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Season 6 Episode 19
Happy Hour

Every line from The Office episode "Happy Hour", season 6 episode 19.

Dwight Schrute: (Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups) Breathe. Work your core. Come on.
Michael Scott: How many is that?
Dwight Schrute: Not counting the last one, 25.
Michael Scott: Count the last one.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!
Michael Scott: Oh, new record!
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Oh, what did you do today?
Jim Halpert: I made a sale.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.
Meredith Palmer: What do we get if we do 'em?
Michael Scott: My respect. (everyone returns to work) Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups -
Dwight Schrute: And one girl push-up.
Michael Scott: Gets to go home. (everyone starts to do push-ups) Ooh! I say 'dance,' they say 'how high?' Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. (steps on Angela) Disqualified!
Angela Martin: Ow!
Michael Scott: What do we got? Creed, disqualified.
Creed Bratton: (from desk chair) Oh, come on!
Jim Halpert: 19. (grunts) I had a really hard work out this morning.
Michael Scott: (Stanley straining and breathing heavily) Oh, wow, that is adorable!
Phyllis Vance: Ten...
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm betting one more.
Phyllis Vance: Eleven, wow!
Michael Scott: Good.
Everyone: (chanting) Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley...
Michael Scott: Alright, alright. (chanting continues)
Oscar Martinez: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.
Michael Scott: Well, it's not exactly fair. He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down.
Dwight Schrute: 25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it!
Phyllis Vance: One more, one more! (cheers and applause)
Oscar Martinez: You okay? You okay, Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: Excuse me.
Jim Halpert: Wow. (applause)
Oscar Martinez: Hey. Matt, right?
Matt: Hey, Oscar. You're here early.
Oscar Martinez: I always come in at 7.
Warehouse Guy: No, you don't.
Oscar Martinez: Well... Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight?
Matt: I don't know. I'm free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. (tries to open door, locked) Just a couple of hours to kill before work.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, what's up?
Oscar Martinez: Hey, nice office.
Darryl Philbin: Thanks, it's cool. So...
Oscar Martinez: You know what we haven't done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink.
Darryl Philbin: Has that ever happened? Ever?
Oscar Martinez: Didn't we? I think we did.
Darryl Philbin: You want me to invite Matt?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included.
Darryl Philbin: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.
Oscar Martinez: So happy hour.
Darryl Philbin: Happy hour. My pleasure.
Oscar Martinez: All right.
Oscar Martinez: So what do you think?
Phyllis Vance: Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I'd like to try. I'll ask Bob.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats 'em up. What?
Andy Bernard: A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.
Jim Halpert: I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam's at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in.
Andy Bernard: Oh, baloney.
Jim Halpert: Good one.
Andy Bernard: Ring her up.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely, I will do that right now.
Jim Halpert: I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I - and I love her. I also love her, very much.
Jim Halpert: So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Yes! Yes! I would love to!
Andy Bernard: Ha! Knew it!
Pam Beesly: (through phone) It's been so long since I've been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley's going to be there. Yes, oh my God!
Jim Halpert: I did not see this coming.
Andy Bernard: Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. (whispering) Are you going later?
Erin Hannon: Sure, if you are.
Andy Bernard: Yes.
Erin Hannon: Talk to me that way again, and I'll cut your face off.
Andy Bernard: Whoa.
Andy Bernard: We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um... but we're kinda keeping it quiet for now 'cause it's still kind of a new thing. It's a little delicate, and we just don't want all the drama.
Erin Hannon: Exactly.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, cause when everyone knows- (knock on window, open blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures) That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.
Erin Hannon: Quiet.
Andy Bernard: Hey, boss man.
Michael Scott: Yes?
Andy Bernard: A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time.
Andy Bernard: I'm sorry, I meant later.
Michael Scott: Ok, yes. Sure.
Andy Bernard: For happy hour?
Michael Scott: No, I got that.
Andy Bernard: Trying to get a head count.
Michael Scott: I am in.
Andy Bernard: All right, yes! It's a deal.
Michael Scott: It's a deal.
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Pam Beesly: I want her to meet Michael.
Jim Halpert: Why?
Pam Beesly: They're both single, I have a sense they might-
Jim Halpert: You've been gone for a long time.
Pam Beesly: It is not that. Kevin! Oh!
Kevin Malone: Yeah! (hugs Pam)
Pam Beesly: Hey, how are you?
Kevin Malone: Oh, I missed you so much.
Pam Beesly: Aw!
Kevin Malone: Yeah!
Pam Beesly: Yeah!
Kevin Malone: Waaah! (starts to make crying baby noises)
Kevin Malone: When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what's fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know... that would be funny.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! (laughs)
Jim Halpert: Easy.
Michael Scott: It's not a birthday, it's not a good-bye party...
Jim Halpert: Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth.
Michael Scott: Sucks to be you.
Jim Halpert: Would you like to be our fourth?
Michael Scott: That would be sublime.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Darryl Philbin: So, the guy shows me the deck he's built. And I'm like, 'I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.' (laughter, Oscar looks toward door) It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam Beesly: This is my friend Julie.
Michael Scott: Hello, how are you?
Julie: Good. Hi.
Michael Scott: What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? (Julie laughs)
Pam Beesly: Julie laughs at everything.
Julie: So you work with Pam and Jim?
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.
Julie: (giggles) I should hope not.
Michael Scott: No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.
Isabel: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness.
Isabel: Of course.
Pam Beesly: You want to play pool?
Isabel: Um, I'm gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone.
Pam Beesly: Ok.
Angela Martin: And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-
Dwight Schrute: Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn't Isabel.
Isabel: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?
Isabel: A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.
Dwight Schrute: Ooh, I love repartee.
Isabel: Do you?
Dwight Schrute: Usually means there's a battle scene coming.
Michael Scott: So, what do you do?
Julie: I am an ESL teacher.
Michael Scott: Really?
Julie: Yeah.
Michael Scott: See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?
Julie: Are you thinking that I said 'ESP?'
Michael Scott: Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.
Julie: I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.
Jim Halpert: So what do you think?
Michael Scott: About what?
Jim Halpert: About Julie?
Michael Scott: She's nice.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: So you like her?
Michael Scott: Uh, yeah, sure.
Jim Halpert: So Pam was right?
Michael Scott: About what?
Jim Halpert: About you two hitting it off.
Michael Scott: (removing tie) Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. (puts on backwards golf cap)
Hide: My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.
Oscar Martinez: I know.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Michael, where have you been? (Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces)
Jim Halpert: Hey, you're supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok?
Pam Beesly: Why are you wearing a hat now?
Michael Scott: Guys, come on, I'm on a date. Let me do my thang.
Michael Scott: Hi, I'm date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? (tries to wink)
Jim Halpert: You want to just make a run for it?
Pam Beesly: Maybe.
Kevin Malone: Waaaah! (Kevin fake-cries into Pam's chest) Waaaaah! Mommy!
Jim Halpert: What is happening?
Andy Bernard: Whoa! What is crackin?
Ryan Howard: Guys, one second. (on dance videogame)
Kelly Kapoor: We're focusing, we're focusing, we can't talk.
Erin Hannon: What's this game?
Ryan Howard: One second.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, how do you play?
Ryan Howard: Guys, guys, guys, please. (game ends) Ok, all right, it's all yours now.
Kelly Kapoor: Only three tickets.
Ryan Howard: If we save 'em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.
Kelly Kapoor: Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.
Ryan Howard: I know, but you wanted the big thing.
Andy Bernard: Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?
Erin Hannon: Oh I know.
Andy Bernard: They'd be like, 'what's up with those two?'
Erin Hannon: 'Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.'
Andy Bernard: 'Did we miss the wedding?' Um, I got it-I'll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we'll switch.
Erin Hannon: Yes, okay. Yeah, that's smart.
Andy Bernard: No drama. Ok.
Isabel: Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole.
Dwight Schrute: Any brothers or sisters?
Isabel: Three brothers.
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Isabel: Two are in the Marines, one's a cop.
Dwight Schrute: Vegetarian?
Isabel: No. I love meat.
Dwight Schrute: What's your blood type?
Isabel: O-negative. Universal donor.
Dwight Schrute: Universal donor. (startled by Angela, curses)
Dwight Schrute: Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.
Michael Scott: Hey, guys, guys, guys. (steals a cherry from waitress passing buy) Watch this. Ready?
Julie: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
Jim Halpert: Michael, you don't have to do this.
Michael Scott: (choking) Wow. Oh, wow, that was close.
Michael Scott: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, you two having fun?
Andy Bernard: Did you tell them?
Erin Hannon: No.
Andy Bernard: This is exactly what I don't want, the drama. I don't want the drama!
Erin Hannon: I get it.
Isabel: (Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole) You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight Schrute: Whacking moles. Hit 'em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.
Isabel: Whack!
Dwight Schrute: Extend the fingers more.
Isabel: Whack!
Dwight Schrute: Good.
Angela Martin: This looks like a hoot.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, monkey, how you doing?
Angela Martin: Whack.
Dwight Schrute: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?
Angela Martin: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Look, I've been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don't need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.
Angela Martin: It's no worry.
Dwight Schrute: It's just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family.
Angela Martin: I could see enjoying that.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You're off the hook.
Angela Martin: But we signed the contract.
Dwight Schrute: Dissolved. Don't worry, you're free. Okay? Okay. See you later.
Angela Martin: We both-you didn't dup-
Jim Halpert: (Michael playing air guitar on pool table) Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he's not normally like this.
Pam Beesly: Maybe it should come from a man.
Jim Halpert: Maybe it should come from a note... with flowers...tomorrow.
Bar Manager: Hello.
Michael Scott: Hello.
Bar Manager: Hi.
Michael Scott: Hi.
Bar Manager: You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?
Michael Scott: Yeah, why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?
Pam Beesly: Hey, Michael, why don't you just get down.
Michael Scott: Hey, she can tell I'm on a date, right? Right? I'm just having fun.
Bar Manager: Ted, are we having fun?
Michael Scott: Really? You told on me. That's lame.
Bouncer: We got a problem?
Michael Scott: Yes. Homelessness. What?
Bar Manager: All right, go.
Michael Scott: Where?
Bar Manager: Get out. Now.
Michael Scott: Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I'm just kidding around. I'm sorry.
Pam Beesly: Ok, um, why don't we just finish the game? Michael, it's your shot.
Michael Scott: She can't talk to us that way.
Pam Beesly: You guys are stripes, I think...
Michael Scott: You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?
Jim Halpert: It stopped.
Michael Scott: Well, I am starting it again!
Pam Beesly: Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.
Michael Scott: Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize.
Bar Manager: Then I am sorry that I didn't kick you out.
Michael Scott: I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Bar Manager: Well, uh, I'm the manager here, sir.
Michael Scott: Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don't see that from you.
Bar Manager: Is that how you do it?
Michael Scott: Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
Bar Manager: Really? How much have you written?
Michael Scott: I've written all of it... in my head.
Bar Manager: Oh.
Michael Scott: If you're really interested, it's called 'Somehow I Manage' and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.
Bar Manager: Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca's? It's a classic.
Michael Scott: Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.
Bar Manager: Dude, tonight! You're not going to want to put it down. It's gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow.
Michael Scott: I own a Chrysler.
Bar Manager: Shut up.
Michael Scott: No, you shut up.
Bar Manager: What's your drink?
Michael Scott: Grenadine.
Bar Manager: What?
Andy Bernard: We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead.
Erin Hannon: Okay.
Andy Bernard: (Andy sits at table with another woman) Hi.
Girl at table: Hi.
Andy Bernard: I don't normally do this, but...
Girl at table: Do what?
Andy Bernard: Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.
Erin Hannon: (Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh) Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?
Andy Bernard: (Andy spits out his drink) What are you doing?
Erin Hannon: What we said to do.
Andy Bernard: We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!
Erin Hannon: I was flirting with a man.
Andy Bernard: Get in here. (Andy and Erin go into photo booth) Where did you learn to talk like that?
Erin Hannon: The movies. I don't know.
Andy Bernard: Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?
Michael Scott: I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.
Bar Manager: You have a card?
Michael Scott: I did. I actually put it in your bowl.
Bar Manager: Stanley Hudson?
Michael Scott: No, no.
Bar Manager: Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson's in here.
Michael Scott: No, it's Michael Scott.
Bar Manager: Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: He is I.
Bar Manager: You just won yourself a lunch.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey guys. (thumbs up)
Julie: I think I'm gonna go.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Julie: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry, he's not usually like that.
Julie: What's he usually like?
Pam Beesly: He's more, just... like... you can go.
Julie: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Bye.
Jim Halpert: See ya. Nice girl.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Hey, Julie! You having fun? (Julie leaves)
Bar Manager: So... when are you coming in for that free lunch? You're gonna want to come in on a day that I'm working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right?
Oscar Martinez: I couldn't understand a word he said.
Darryl Philbin: Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.
Oscar Martinez: Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.
Matt: Hey, what's up?
Oscar Martinez: There he is! Hey, hey, hey.
Matt: Anyone up for some hoops?
Oscar Martinez: Sure. Hoops!
Matt: Let's do it.
Oscar Martinez: Hoop it up, right.
Andy Bernard: This is not what I want my relationship to look like. (holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting)
Andy Bernard: (over PA) Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.
Andy Bernard: You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.
Erin Hannon: (laughs) You love drama.
Andy Bernard: I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.
Dwight Schrute: With this move, he can't get you.
Isabel: Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, please. I wish he'd come after me. I would be like-aaah!
Angela Martin: Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Dwight Schrute: Sh-what?
Angela Martin: You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. (trying to talk over her) Blah blah blah blah!
Angela Martin: For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.
Isabel: What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: What are you-
Angela Martin: Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me.
Dwight Schrute: Angela...
Angela Martin: Did he not tell you that?
Dwight Schrute: You're really putting me in an awkward position here.
Angela Martin: Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?
Dwight Schrute: Angela, not here!
Angela Martin: Dwight?
Isabel: Whack! (Isabel smacks Angela on forehead)
Angela Martin: You'll see me in small claims court!
Dwight Schrute: You are an impressive specimen.
Isabel: Thank you. (Dwight and Isabel kiss)
Kelly Kapoor: (crying) Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn't give me a refill.
Pam Beesly: Oh-oh, gosh. Oh.
Jim Halpert: You all right?
Pam Beesly: Okay, we have to get home.
Kevin Malone: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady.
Jim Halpert: Actually, you didn't.
Pam Beesly: Not at all.
Michael Scott: I think I did. But I can't take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me.
Darryl Philbin: Tell 'em your story, Hide.
Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 19 season 6. Happy Hour is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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