Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Happy Hour

Vol. 6 · Issue 19Scranton, PA

Here are all the lines from the night Michael Scott introduced the world to Date Mike and his backwards hat. You can read the full script to catch every awkward moment, like Stanley’s push-up challenge or Hide’s secret past in Japan. It’s the best way to catch up on the drama between Dwight, Angela, and Isabel without the stress of a legal contract.

Scene 01

25 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups) Breathe. Work your core. Come on.
Michael Scott
How many is that?
Dwight Schrute
Not counting the last one, 25.
Michael Scott
Count the last one.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!
Michael Scott
Oh, new record!
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Michael Scott
Oh, what did you do today?
Jim Halpert
I made a sale.
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.
Meredith Palmer
What do we get if we do 'em?
Michael Scott
My respect. (everyone returns to work) Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups -
Dwight Schrute
And one girl push-up.
Michael Scott
Gets to go home. (everyone starts to do push-ups) Ooh! I say 'dance,' they say 'how high?' Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. (steps on Angela) Disqualified!
Angela Martin
Ow!
Michael Scott
What do we got? Creed, disqualified.
Creed Bratton
(from desk chair) Oh, come on!
Jim Halpert
19. (grunts) I had a really hard work out this morning.
Michael Scott
(Stanley straining and breathing heavily) Oh, wow, that is adorable!
Phyllis Vance
Ten...
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm betting one more.
Phyllis Vance
Eleven, wow!
Michael Scott
Good.
Everyone
(chanting) Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley...
Michael Scott
Alright, alright. (chanting continues)

Scene 02

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Well, it's not exactly fair. He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down.

Scene 04

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it!
Phyllis Vance
One more, one more! (cheers and applause)
Oscar Martinez
You okay? You okay, Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
Excuse me.
Jim Halpert
Wow. (applause)

Scene 05

7 lines
Oscar Martinez
Hey. Matt, right?
Matt
Hey, Oscar. You're here early.
Oscar Martinez
I always come in at 7.
Warehouse Guy
No, you don't.
Oscar Martinez
Well... Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight?
Matt
I don't know. I'm free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah.

Scene 06

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. (tries to open door, locked) Just a couple of hours to kill before work.

Scene 07

12 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey, what's up?
Oscar Martinez
Hey, nice office.
Darryl Philbin
Thanks, it's cool. So...
Oscar Martinez
You know what we haven't done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink.
Darryl Philbin
Has that ever happened? Ever?
Oscar Martinez
Didn't we? I think we did.
Darryl Philbin
You want me to invite Matt?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included.
Darryl Philbin
Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.
Oscar Martinez
So happy hour.
Darryl Philbin
Happy hour. My pleasure.
Oscar Martinez
All right.

Scene 08

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
So what do you think?
Phyllis Vance
Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I'd like to try. I'll ask Bob.

Scene 09

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats 'em up. What?

Scene 10

6 lines
Andy Bernard
A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.
Jim Halpert
I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam's at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in.
Andy Bernard
Oh, baloney.
Jim Halpert
Good one.
Andy Bernard
Ring her up.
Jim Halpert
Absolutely, I will do that right now.

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I - and I love her. I also love her, very much.

Scene 12

3 lines
Jim Halpert
So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Yes! Yes! I would love to!
Andy Bernard
Ha! Knew it!

Scene 13

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(through phone) It's been so long since I've been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley's going to be there. Yes, oh my God!
Jim Halpert
I did not see this coming.

Scene 14

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. (whispering) Are you going later?
Erin Hannon
Sure, if you are.
Andy Bernard
Yes.
Erin Hannon
Talk to me that way again, and I'll cut your face off.
Andy Bernard
Whoa.

Scene 15

4 lines
Andy Bernard
We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um... but we're kinda keeping it quiet for now 'cause it's still kind of a new thing. It's a little delicate, and we just don't want all the drama.
Erin Hannon
Exactly.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, cause when everyone knows- (knock on window, open blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures) That's actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.
Erin Hannon
Quiet.

Scene 16

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, boss man.
Michael Scott
Yes?
Andy Bernard
A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?
Michael Scott
Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time.
Andy Bernard
I'm sorry, I meant later.
Michael Scott
Ok, yes. Sure.
Andy Bernard
For happy hour?
Michael Scott
No, I got that.
Andy Bernard
Trying to get a head count.
Michael Scott
I am in.
Andy Bernard
All right, yes! It's a deal.
Michael Scott
It's a deal.

Scene 17

14 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
I want her to meet Michael.
Jim Halpert
Why?
Pam Beesly
They're both single, I have a sense they might-
Jim Halpert
You've been gone for a long time.
Pam Beesly
It is not that. Kevin! Oh!
Kevin Malone
Yeah! (hugs Pam)
Pam Beesly
Hey, how are you?
Kevin Malone
Oh, I missed you so much.
Pam Beesly
Aw!
Kevin Malone
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
Yeah!
Kevin Malone
Waaah! (starts to make crying baby noises)

Scene 18

1 line
Kevin Malone
When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what's fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know... that would be funny.

Scene 19

8 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! (laughs)
Jim Halpert
Easy.
Michael Scott
It's not a birthday, it's not a good-bye party...
Jim Halpert
Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth.
Michael Scott
Sucks to be you.
Jim Halpert
Would you like to be our fourth?
Michael Scott
That would be sublime.
Jim Halpert
All right.

Scene 20

1 line
Darryl Philbin
So, the guy shows me the deck he's built. And I'm like, 'I'll call this a deck if it'll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.' (laughter, Oscar looks toward door) It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs.

Scene 21

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
This is my friend Julie.
Michael Scott
Hello, how are you?
Julie
Good. Hi.
Michael Scott
What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? (Julie laughs)

Scene 22

1 line
Pam Beesly
Julie laughs at everything.

Scene 23

10 lines
Julie
So you work with Pam and Jim?
Michael Scott
Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.
Julie
(giggles) I should hope not.
Michael Scott
No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.
Isabel
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness.
Isabel
Of course.
Pam Beesly
You want to play pool?
Isabel
Um, I'm gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone.
Pam Beesly
Ok.

Scene 24

8 lines
Angela Martin
And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-
Dwight Schrute
Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn't Isabel.
Isabel
Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?
Isabel
A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.
Dwight Schrute
Ooh, I love repartee.
Isabel
Do you?
Dwight Schrute
Usually means there's a battle scene coming.

Scene 25

7 lines
Michael Scott
So, what do you do?
Julie
I am an ESL teacher.
Michael Scott
Really?
Julie
Yeah.
Michael Scott
See, I didn't think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?
Julie
Are you thinking that I said 'ESP?'
Michael Scott
Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.

Scene 26

1 line
Julie
I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn't act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.

Scene 27

11 lines
Jim Halpert
So what do you think?
Michael Scott
About what?
Jim Halpert
About Julie?
Michael Scott
She's nice.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
So you like her?
Michael Scott
Uh, yeah, sure.
Jim Halpert
So Pam was right?
Michael Scott
About what?
Jim Halpert
About you two hitting it off.

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
(removing tie) Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. (puts on backwards golf cap)

Scene 29

2 lines
Hide
My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.
Oscar Martinez
I know.

Scene 30

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Michael, where have you been? (Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces)
Jim Halpert
Hey, you're supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok?
Pam Beesly
Why are you wearing a hat now?
Michael Scott
Guys, come on, I'm on a date. Let me do my thang.

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
Hi, I'm date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? (tries to wink)

Scene 32

4 lines
Jim Halpert
You want to just make a run for it?
Pam Beesly
Maybe.
Kevin Malone
Waaaah! (Kevin fake-cries into Pam's chest) Waaaaah! Mommy!
Jim Halpert
What is happening?

Scene 33

18 lines
Andy Bernard
Whoa! What is crackin?
Ryan Howard
Guys, one second. (on dance videogame)
Kelly Kapoor
We're focusing, we're focusing, we can't talk.
Erin Hannon
What's this game?
Ryan Howard
One second.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, how do you play?
Ryan Howard
Guys, guys, guys, please. (game ends) Ok, all right, it's all yours now.
Kelly Kapoor
Only three tickets.
Ryan Howard
If we save 'em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.
Kelly Kapoor
Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.
Ryan Howard
I know, but you wanted the big thing.
Andy Bernard
Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?
Erin Hannon
Oh I know.
Andy Bernard
They'd be like, 'what's up with those two?'
Erin Hannon
'Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.'
Andy Bernard
'Did we miss the wedding?' Um, I got it-I'll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we'll switch.
Erin Hannon
Yes, okay. Yeah, that's smart.
Andy Bernard
No drama. Ok.

Scene 34

10 lines
Isabel
Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole.
Dwight Schrute
Any brothers or sisters?
Isabel
Three brothers.
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Isabel
Two are in the Marines, one's a cop.
Dwight Schrute
Vegetarian?
Isabel
No. I love meat.
Dwight Schrute
What's your blood type?
Isabel
O-negative. Universal donor.
Dwight Schrute
Universal donor. (startled by Angela, curses)

Scene 35

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.

Scene 36

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, guys, guys, guys. (steals a cherry from waitress passing buy) Watch this. Ready?
Julie
What are you doing?
Michael Scott
I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
Jim Halpert
Michael, you don't have to do this.
Michael Scott
(choking) Wow. Oh, wow, that was close.

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

Scene 38

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hey, you two having fun?
Andy Bernard
Did you tell them?
Erin Hannon
No.
Andy Bernard
This is exactly what I don't want, the drama. I don't want the drama!
Erin Hannon
I get it.

Scene 39

19 lines
Isabel
(Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole) You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight Schrute
Whacking moles. Hit 'em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.
Isabel
Whack!
Dwight Schrute
Extend the fingers more.
Isabel
Whack!
Dwight Schrute
Good.
Angela Martin
This looks like a hoot.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, monkey, how you doing?
Angela Martin
Whack.
Dwight Schrute
Listen, can I talk to you for a second?
Angela Martin
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Look, I've been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don't need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.
Angela Martin
It's no worry.
Dwight Schrute
It's just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family.
Angela Martin
I could see enjoying that.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You're off the hook.
Angela Martin
But we signed the contract.
Dwight Schrute
Dissolved. Don't worry, you're free. Okay? Okay. See you later.
Angela Martin
We both-you didn't dup-

Scene 40

26 lines
Jim Halpert
(Michael playing air guitar on pool table) Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he's not normally like this.
Pam Beesly
Maybe it should come from a man.
Jim Halpert
Maybe it should come from a note... with flowers...tomorrow.
Bar Manager
Hello.
Michael Scott
Hello.
Bar Manager
Hi.
Michael Scott
Hi.
Bar Manager
You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?
Michael Scott
Yeah, why don't you send the bill to 23 I Don't Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?
Pam Beesly
Hey, Michael, why don't you just get down.
Michael Scott
Hey, she can tell I'm on a date, right? Right? I'm just having fun.
Bar Manager
Ted, are we having fun?
Michael Scott
Really? You told on me. That's lame.
Bouncer
We got a problem?
Michael Scott
Yes. Homelessness. What?
Bar Manager
All right, go.
Michael Scott
Where?
Bar Manager
Get out. Now.
Michael Scott
Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I'm just kidding around. I'm sorry.
Pam Beesly
Ok, um, why don't we just finish the game? Michael, it's your shot.
Michael Scott
She can't talk to us that way.
Pam Beesly
You guys are stripes, I think...
Michael Scott
You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?
Jim Halpert
It stopped.
Michael Scott
Well, I am starting it again!
Pam Beesly
Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.

Scene 41

20 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize.
Bar Manager
Then I am sorry that I didn't kick you out.
Michael Scott
I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Bar Manager
Well, uh, I'm the manager here, sir.
Michael Scott
Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don't see that from you.
Bar Manager
Is that how you do it?
Michael Scott
Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
Bar Manager
Really? How much have you written?
Michael Scott
I've written all of it... in my head.
Bar Manager
Oh.
Michael Scott
If you're really interested, it's called 'Somehow I Manage' and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.
Bar Manager
Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca's? It's a classic.
Michael Scott
Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.
Bar Manager
Dude, tonight! You're not going to want to put it down. It's gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow.
Michael Scott
I own a Chrysler.
Bar Manager
Shut up.
Michael Scott
No, you shut up.
Bar Manager
What's your drink?
Michael Scott
Grenadine.
Bar Manager
What?

Scene 42

15 lines
Andy Bernard
We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead.
Erin Hannon
Okay.
Andy Bernard
(Andy sits at table with another woman) Hi.
Girl at table
Hi.
Andy Bernard
I don't normally do this, but...
Girl at table
Do what?
Andy Bernard
Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.
Erin Hannon
(Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh) Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?
Andy Bernard
(Andy spits out his drink) What are you doing?
Erin Hannon
What we said to do.
Andy Bernard
We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!
Erin Hannon
I was flirting with a man.
Andy Bernard
Get in here. (Andy and Erin go into photo booth) Where did you learn to talk like that?
Erin Hannon
The movies. I don't know.
Andy Bernard
Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?

Scene 43

11 lines
Michael Scott
I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.
Bar Manager
You have a card?
Michael Scott
I did. I actually put it in your bowl.
Bar Manager
Stanley Hudson?
Michael Scott
No, no.
Bar Manager
Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson's in here.
Michael Scott
No, it's Michael Scott.
Bar Manager
Michael Scott?
Michael Scott
He is I.
Bar Manager
You just won yourself a lunch.
Michael Scott
Oh, hey guys. (thumbs up)

Scene 44

11 lines
Julie
I think I'm gonna go.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Julie
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry, he's not usually like that.
Julie
What's he usually like?
Pam Beesly
He's more, just... like... you can go.
Julie
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Bye.
Jim Halpert
See ya. Nice girl.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.

Scene 45

2 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, Julie! You having fun? (Julie leaves)
Bar Manager
So... when are you coming in for that free lunch? You're gonna want to come in on a day that I'm working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too.

Scene 46

10 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right?
Oscar Martinez
I couldn't understand a word he said.
Darryl Philbin
Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt's an okay dude, but he's a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.
Oscar Martinez
Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.
Matt
Hey, what's up?
Oscar Martinez
There he is! Hey, hey, hey.
Matt
Anyone up for some hoops?
Oscar Martinez
Sure. Hoops!
Matt
Let's do it.
Oscar Martinez
Hoop it up, right.

Scene 47

1 line
Andy Bernard
This is not what I want my relationship to look like. (holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting)

Scene 48

1 line
Andy Bernard
(over PA) Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I've been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.

Scene 49

3 lines
Andy Bernard
You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.
Erin Hannon
(laughs) You love drama.
Andy Bernard
I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.

Scene 50

21 lines
Dwight Schrute
With this move, he can't get you.
Isabel
Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, please. I wish he'd come after me. I would be like-aaah!
Angela Martin
Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Dwight Schrute
Sh-what?
Angela Martin
You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no. (trying to talk over her) Blah blah blah blah!
Angela Martin
For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.
Isabel
What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute
What are you-
Angela Martin
Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me.
Dwight Schrute
Angela...
Angela Martin
Did he not tell you that?
Dwight Schrute
You're really putting me in an awkward position here.
Angela Martin
Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?
Dwight Schrute
Angela, not here!
Angela Martin
Dwight?
Isabel
Whack! (Isabel smacks Angela on forehead)
Angela Martin
You'll see me in small claims court!
Dwight Schrute
You are an impressive specimen.
Isabel
Thank you. (Dwight and Isabel kiss)

Scene 51

9 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(crying) Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn't give me a refill.
Pam Beesly
Oh-oh, gosh. Oh.
Jim Halpert
You all right?
Pam Beesly
Okay, we have to get home.
Kevin Malone
Yeah!
Michael Scott
Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady.
Jim Halpert
Actually, you didn't.
Pam Beesly
Not at all.
Michael Scott
I think I did. But I can't take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me.

Scene 52

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
Tell 'em your story, Hide.
Hide
In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!