Every line from The Office episode "The Meeting", season 6 episode 2.
Michael Scott: (knock at Michael's Office door) Yeah?
Oscar Martinez: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah sure.
Michael Scott: I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar Martinez: Is everything okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah, it's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar Martinez: I'm sure everything will be fine. (pulls up a chair) What do you? What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking?
Michael Scott: It is a colonoscopy.
Michael Scott: In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? (Oscar looks irritated and frustrated) Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry?
Oscar Martinez: (sighs) Oh my God.
Michael Scott: My main concern, should I have a safe word?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah. (Oscar gets up and walks out)
David Wallace: So Michael, do you think you can give me a run down on the Buffalo clients by Monday?
Michael Scott: Abso... you know what? I'll do you one better, Sunday, Sunday night.
David Wallace: Okay, I will look at it Monday.
Michael Scott: Ho, Hol, hold on big guy, I'm gonna put it in the mail Sunday night and you'll get it Weds.
David Wallace: Okay, Jim you wanna hit the conference room?
Pam Beesly: Hey, Good luck.
Michael Scott: Oh right, this thing. I remember now. (whispers to Jim) What's this about?
Jim Halpert: Ah, this is just me and David, if that's okay.
Michael Scott: It's okay with me but he's gonna want me in there.
David Wallace: No, ah it's okay Michael. We got it.
Michael Scott: Alright, do you mind if it sit this out? I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out.
David Wallace: (nods) Okay. (Jim smiles and waves to Pam)
Michael Scott: Hey let me escort you to your desk.
Pam Beesly: Okay, it's just three or four steps but thank you, thank you.
Michael Scott: You and Jim are close, huh?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together.
Michael Scott: Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you...
Pam Beesly: Ummm, I don't know.
Michael Scott: Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in.
Pam Beesly: Did I? Doesn't sound like me, not very superstitious.
Michael Scott: If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.
Pam Beesly: Please don't talk about my breast milk.
Michael Scott: I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?
Michael Scott: I just don't want you to.
Darryl Philbin: I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and the ladder's on top of me.
Toby Flenderson: And that's how you broke your ankle?
Dwight Schrute: Hmmm, interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you, if you fell off of it?
Darryl Philbin: This doesn't concern you man, you need to walk away.
Dwight Schrute: Oh really, I'm sorry I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden.
Darryl Philbin: If we were living in Sweden, I wouldn't have to worry about this 'cause we'd have universal healthcare.
Dwight Schrute: Nnnnn, that's not... okay.
Darryl Philbin: Be quiet.
Dwight Schrute: I'm talking about... hmmm.
Toby Flenderson: I will send this off to corporate. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills. Feel better.
Darryl Philbin: Thanks T-Man, later. (fist bumps Toby}
Dwight Schrute: So long Darryl, feel better... (to Toby) He's lying.
Toby Flenderson: He has a doctor's note.
Dwight Schrute: Oh? From who, Dr. J? Look, you really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders.
Toby Flenderson: A guy on my street fell off a ladder painting his house. It was on the news.
Dwight Schrute: Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? (imitating Darryl) Y'all having birthday cake?
Toby Flenderson: That's not a very good Darryl.
Dwight Schrute: Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?
Dwight Schrute: It just doesn't add up.
Michael Scott: (walks into conference room on his cell phone, interrupting David and Jim) Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it you can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will... I love you too. Bye.
Jim Halpert: Who was that?
Michael Scott: Sorry about that. What'd I miss?
David Wallace: Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind.
Michael Scott: Do not mind! Yes, I do! No, I don't. Yes, I do! No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity flop. Oh this... call waiting. (answers his phone) Yeah, uh huh, well you tell the Mayor he just lost six votes.
Creed Bratton: (spying on David and Jim) They've been in there a while.
Creed Bratton: Can't be good.
Creed Bratton: Think they're talking about me?
Michael Scott: No, I think they're talking about me.
Creed Bratton: Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay thanks boss.
Kelly Kapoor: Ugh, so jealous of your boobs.
Pam Beesly: Thank you. Um, listen I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable and more than fine.
Kelly Kapoor: Is Ryan going?
Pam Beesly: I don't know, he hasn't RSVP'd yet.
Andy Bernard: What can I do for ya Hoss?
Michael Scott: (staring into the conference room) How are your sales doin'?
Andy Bernard: How are my sales doin'? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and it's 'cause of the economy. You're not buying it, you're good. Okay the truth is, I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine and it's a total mind effer.
Phyllis Vance: Again with the cousin.
Andy Bernard: Oh, I'm sorry Phyllis, you explain this email, okay. "Hey Andy let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together, ha ha."
Michael Scott: Shhh, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay?
Michael Scott: (in the cheese cart) Be my eyes.
Andy Bernard: You got it.
Stanley Hudson: What have we here?
Andy Bernard: Oh, just backing up and turning around.
Kevin Malone: Hey, we're gonna do this...
Andy Bernard: Dit, dit, dit, dit, it's not for you. (enters the conference room) Pardon moi, Messieurs. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room.
David Wallace: Cheese platter?
Andy Bernard: Oui, Oui, Monsieur. From the Wisconsin region, a nice firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find a cheddar style spread which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine Bleu Cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the bleu cheese. Bon appetit.
David Wallace: Alright, well I should go. Thanks for this. You've given me a lot to think about. Please promise me you won't do anything until we speak.
Jim Halpert: No, I won't. Alright, thanks for giving me your time, I appreciate it.
David Wallace: Thank you Jim.
David Wallace: Erin, is Michael around?
Erin Hannon: I think he's around here...
Michael Scott: (crawls out of the cheese cart unseen) Hey, hey, you must have walked right past me. How you doin'?
David Wallace: Ah, yeah, could we talk in your office for a second?
Michael Scott: Yes, definitely.
Toby Flenderson: (spying at Darryl's house) Sounds like a EMDP-40.
Dwight Schrute: Nah, that's a GE. A P40 is much higher pitched.
Toby Flenderson: You're into trains?
Dwight Schrute: I have been my whole life.
Dwight Schrute: I'm rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house.
Toby Flenderson: That's so cool.
Toby Flenderson: Wow, I'd love to take a look at that.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, it's just a run of the mill slaughter house, but sure anytime.
Toby Flenderson: Well, you know, 'cause of the trains.
Dwight Schrute: Wa... wa... wait , someone's coming.
Toby Flenderson: Uhh, oh boy, oh boy.
Dwight Schrute: Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera!
Toby Flenderson: Get over there! Get over there!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, worker's comp, my ass!
Toby Flenderson: I can't believe this. (mistaking Darryl's sister for Darryl) Hey you, ass****!
Toby Flenderson: You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?
Dwight Schrute: Ooohhh... (crashes car into garbage cans) Oh man! You okay?
Toby Flenderson: Just keep going.
Pam Beesly: So, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, I might stop by.
Pam Beesly: It costs about $75 per person.
Ryan Howard: Okay, I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77.
Pam Beesly: Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not?
Ryan Howard: Yes, I'm coming to your wedding.
Pam Beesly: Okay, Ryan Howard, yes.
Ryan Howard: Probably, yes.
Pam Beesly: Kelly Kapoor, yes.
David Wallace: Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilites?
Michael Scott: Look who you're talking to.
David Wallace: I'm just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents.
Michael Scott: Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever.
David Wallace: What about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position?
Michael Scott: (looks at Jim) Permission to speak on the record?
David Wallace: Please do.
Michael Scott: Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No, I don't think so. Because Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. I... If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe.
David Wallace: I thought you liked Jim?
Michael Scott: Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it's his performance report... right here. Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable.
Michael Scott: It's not very well written, but you get the gist.
David Wallace: Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch?
Michael Scott: I can just continue to run it myself.
David Wallace: Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position.
Michael Scott: This was Jim's idea?
Michael Scott: Wow. Ummm, well I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H and R Block.
David Wallace: Ummm... okay, here's the thing though. The plan doesn't work unless we have someone to replace you. I was hoping... plus we have to worry about Jim, he has another job offer. We may have to replace him.
Michael Scott: (shakes jelly beans) Little pick me up? (Jim accepts) Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush.
Jim Halpert: When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace, did I come up at all?
Michael Scott: Well we did talk about how handsome you are.
Jim Halpert: Why don't we head in your office to talk?
Michael Scott: Oh what a week, God. We said... I know there were certain things we said...
Jim Halpert: Michael, look I'll just be honest with you. Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion. I actually think that talk went really well. And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed.
Michael Scott: Hmmm, that's weird, that's weird... it's kinda weirding me out. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Jim Halpert: Michael, did you say anything?
Michael Scott: Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion.
Jim Halpert: You will? Wanna do it right now?
Dwight Schrute: I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated.
Toby Flenderson: If they were dilated...
Darryl Philbin: Toby! Dwight! Is that them?
Darryl Philbin: You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass****, and told her to eat dog food.
Dwight Schrute: We thought that she was you.
Darryl Philbin: Why would you think a lady is me?
Dwight Schrute: Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?
Toby Flenderson: No, nah. I don't see it.
Darryl Philbin: Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you.
Dwight Schrute: Aww, Darryl.
Darryl Philbin: C'mon Gwenneth.
David Wallace: (on phone) This is David.
Michael Scott: Hey David, this is Michael Scott. (Jim pushes speaker phone button) Michael Scott here.
Michael Scott: Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.
David Wallace: So, what, you're changing your mind about Jim?
Michael Scott: Absolutely, (turns speakerphone off) not. (turns speakerphone back on) Like I said before, Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job.
David Wallace: Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out... This is not what you said earlier.
Michael Scott: Wha... here's the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him.
David Wallace: Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file.
Michael Scott: Well, nnnn, that... that was an anomaly. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.
David Wallace: Michael, I really don't know what's going on (police sirens in background) down there, but... oh, dammit, I am getting pulled over for talking on my cell, dammit.
Toby Flenderson: Hey Darryl, look ahhh, we're here to apologize ahh...
Dwight Schrute: Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.
Dwight Schrute: He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment, case closed.
Darryl Philbin: Stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Dwight Schrute: Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby.
Toby Flenderson: Well, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em but I suppose if we wanted to be really certain...
Darryl Philbin: Alright, yeah fine so whatever...
Toby Flenderson: You really did it...
Dwight Schrute: Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.
Darryl Philbin: And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister.
Dwight Schrute: Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that...
Toby Flenderson: Ahhh, kay. Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but you know, we can just move on with our... with our lives.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey Jim, it would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face. Alright, Just do it.
Jim Halpert: How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job.
Michael Scott: I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, (starts to choke up) and now I don't wanna lose the baby.
Jim Halpert: So instead, you screwed me?
Michael Scott: That's what she...
Erin Hannon: David Wallace is calling.
Michael Scott: Kind of in the middle of something here.
Erin Hannon: Should I tell him you'll call him back?
Michael Scott: I, yeah... no, I'll tell him myself. Let's both.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Hello.
David Wallace: Hey Michael, you got Jim there with you?
Michael Scott: No, it's just us.
David Wallace: Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please.
Michael Scott: Oh, oh, well here he is right now. (Michael knocks on desk) Come in. (Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer)
David Wallace: Hey guys, so I spoke to Alan, we had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool. But it only works if everyone's on board.
Michael Scott: Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.
David Wallace: We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day to day and Michael you would focus on clients and big picture stuff.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that sounds pretty cool.
Michael Scott: I like that, so manager and co-manager.
David Wallace: Co-manager and Co-manager. See, there are a lot of moving pieces and this is the only way I can sell it upstairs.
Michael Scott: Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager.
David Wallace: Alright, hey Michael can you pick up for one second. (Michael picks up phone) Okay look, I'm not going to force you into anything. If you're willing to lose Jim, fine, you just say so and we'll find another solution, okay. Is that what you want to do?
Dwight Schrute: Okay people, listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed...
Michael Scott: Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make... whoa do you have an announcement?
Dwight Schrute: I'm... I was making it.
Michael Scott: Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.
Stanley Hudson: Co-manager of what?
Michael Scott: Of your butt, and your butt, and your butt, all of the Scranton branch butts.
Phyllis Vance: What's happening to you Michael?
Michael Scott: What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager, we will be co-managers together. Jim Halpert, welcome.
Jim Halpert: (shakes Michael's hand) Thank you. (Dwight looks disappointed and angry behind them)
Meredith Palmer: Niagara Falls in October? Pfft, hells yeah.
Pam Beesly: Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card?
Meredith Palmer: Nah, I'll just tell you now, easier.
Pam Beesly: Well, you have to choose a food option and there's information in there about directions and lodging...
Meredith Palmer: I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs. I'll just get the other information the day of, I'll text you.
Pam Beesly: You are going to text me, the morning of my wedding.
Pam Beesly: To ask for directions..
Meredith Palmer: Right...
Pam Beesly: And you will eat whatever is fanciest?
Meredith Palmer: Unless there's ribs. (leaves)
Pam Beesly: So rude, right?
Pam Beesly: (sits down) Oh my gosh, I have been chasing people down all day. It's incredible.
Angela Martin: Pam, my bag was there...
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 2 season 6. The Meeting is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.