Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Meeting

Vol. 6 · Issue 2Scranton, PA

Watch things get awkward as Michael uses a literal cheese cart to spy on Jim and David Wallace. You'll find every line from the episode right here, covering everything from the co-manager promotion to Dwight's weird investigation into Darryl’s injury. It's the perfect way to catch every joke you might have missed.

Scene 01

14 lines
Michael Scott
(knock at Michael's Office door) Yeah?
Oscar Martinez
You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott
Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah sure.
Michael Scott
I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar Martinez
Is everything okay?
Michael Scott
Yeah, it's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar Martinez
I'm sure everything will be fine. (pulls up a chair) What do you? What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking?
Michael Scott
It is a colonoscopy.
Oscar Martinez
Okay.
Michael Scott
In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? (Oscar looks irritated and frustrated) Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry?
Oscar Martinez
(sighs) Oh my God.
Michael Scott
My main concern, should I have a safe word?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah. (Oscar gets up and walks out)

Scene 02

15 lines
David Wallace
So Michael, do you think you can give me a run down on the Buffalo clients by Monday?
Michael Scott
Abso... you know what? I'll do you one better, Sunday, Sunday night.
David Wallace
Okay, I will look at it Monday.
Michael Scott
Ho, Hol, hold on big guy, I'm gonna put it in the mail Sunday night and you'll get it Weds.
David Wallace
Okay, Jim you wanna hit the conference room?
Jim Halpert
Sure.
Pam Beesly
Hey, Good luck.
Michael Scott
Oh right, this thing. I remember now. (whispers to Jim) What's this about?
Jim Halpert
Ah, this is just me and David, if that's okay.
Michael Scott
It's okay with me but he's gonna want me in there.
David Wallace
No, ah it's okay Michael. We got it.
Michael Scott
Really?
David Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Alright, do you mind if it sit this out? I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out.
David Wallace
(nods) Okay. (Jim smiles and waves to Pam)

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No, because we are the Three Amigos. And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off... to the bathroom... while the other two have a secret meeting. (shrugs)

Scene 04

13 lines
Michael Scott
Hey let me escort you to your desk.
Pam Beesly
Okay, it's just three or four steps but thank you, thank you.
Michael Scott
You and Jim are close, huh?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together.
Michael Scott
Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you...
Pam Beesly
Ummm, I don't know.
Michael Scott
Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in.
Pam Beesly
Did I? Doesn't sound like me, not very superstitious.
Michael Scott
If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.
Pam Beesly
Please don't talk about my breast milk.
Michael Scott
I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
I just don't want you to.

Scene 05

21 lines
Darryl Philbin
I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and the ladder's on top of me.
Toby Flenderson
And that's how you broke your ankle?
Darryl Philbin
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Hmmm, interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you, if you fell off of it?
Darryl Philbin
This doesn't concern you man, you need to walk away.
Dwight Schrute
Oh really, I'm sorry I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden.
Darryl Philbin
If we were living in Sweden, I wouldn't have to worry about this 'cause we'd have universal healthcare.
Dwight Schrute
Nnnnn, that's not... okay.
Darryl Philbin
Be quiet.
Dwight Schrute
I'm talking about... hmmm.
Toby Flenderson
I will send this off to corporate. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills. Feel better.
Darryl Philbin
Thanks T-Man, later. [fist bumps Toby}
Dwight Schrute
So long Darryl, feel better... (to Toby) He's lying.
Toby Flenderson
He has a doctor's note.
Dwight Schrute
Oh? From who, Dr. J? Look, you really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders.
Toby Flenderson
A guy on my street fell off a ladder painting his house. It was on the news.
Dwight Schrute
Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? (imitating Darryl) Y'all having birthday cake?
Toby Flenderson
That's not a very good Darryl.
Dwight Schrute
Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?
Toby Flenderson
Hmmm.
Dwight Schrute
It just doesn't add up.

Scene 06

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Well, we did a little investigation and Dwight had a good point. The ladder didn't reach the top shelf. I don't know if I believe it, but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel. (impression) I'll punch you in da mush, see.

Scene 07

5 lines
Michael Scott
(walks into conference room on his cell phone, interrupting David and Jim) Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it you can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will... I love you too. Bye.
Jim Halpert
Who was that?
Michael Scott
Sorry about that. What'd I miss?
David Wallace
Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind.
Michael Scott
Do not mind! Yes, I do! No, I don't. Yes, I do! No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity flop. Oh this... call waiting. (answers his phone) Yeah, uh huh, well you tell the Mayor he just lost six votes.

Scene 08

7 lines
Creed Bratton
(spying on David and Jim) They've been in there a while.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Creed Bratton
Can't be good.
Michael Scott
Nope.
Creed Bratton
Think they're talking about me?
Michael Scott
No, I think they're talking about me.
Creed Bratton
Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay thanks boss.

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job? That 's bull crap. That is bull crap. Although, it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you there has been work everyday. Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve... I left my cell phone here.

Scene 10

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
Ugh, so jealous of your boobs.
Pam Beesly
Thank you. Um, listen I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable and more than fine.
Kelly Kapoor
Is Ryan going?
Pam Beesly
I don't know, he hasn't RSVP'd yet.

Scene 11

1 line
Pam Beesly
We invited everyone in the office to our wedding. Even though we realized most people wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls. (whispers) Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls. (normal volume) Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off, if they came. So now, people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work.

Scene 12

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
Here's the deal. I really want to go but I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go, because it's kind of a waste of time. That came out wrong. It would awesome if you could try to get him to go because I'd really like to be there to support Jim.

Scene 13

6 lines
Andy Bernard
What can I do for ya Hoss?
Michael Scott
(staring into the conference room) How are your sales doin'?
Andy Bernard
How are my sales doin'? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and it's 'cause of the economy. You're not buying it, you're good. Okay the truth is, I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine and it's a total mind effer.
Phyllis Vance
Again with the cousin.
Andy Bernard
Oh, I'm sorry Phyllis, you explain this email, okay. "Hey Andy let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together, ha ha."
Michael Scott
Shhh, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay?

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I'm completely overwhelmed.

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work? Well, I don't believe that. I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just elegant.

Scene 16

11 lines
Michael Scott
(in the cheese cart) Be my eyes.
Andy Bernard
You got it.
Stanley Hudson
What have we here?
Andy Bernard
Oh, just backing up and turning around.
Kevin Malone
Hey, we're gonna do this...
Andy Bernard
Dit, dit, dit, dit, it's not for you. (enters the conference room) Pardon moi, Messieurs. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room.
David Wallace
Cheese platter?
Andy Bernard
Oui, Oui, Monsieur. From the Wisconsin region, a nice firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find a cheddar style spread which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine Bleu Cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the bleu cheese. Bon appetit.
David Wallace
Alright, well I should go. Thanks for this. You've given me a lot to think about. Please promise me you won't do anything until we speak.
Jim Halpert
No, I won't. Alright, thanks for giving me your time, I appreciate it.
David Wallace
Thank you Jim.

Scene 17

5 lines
David Wallace
Erin, is Michael around?
Erin Hannon
I think he's around here...
Michael Scott
(crawls out of the cheese cart unseen) Hey, hey, you must have walked right past me. How you doin'?
David Wallace
Ah, yeah, could we talk in your office for a second?
Michael Scott
Yes, definitely.

Scene 18

21 lines
Toby Flenderson
(spying at Darryl's house) Sounds like a EMDP-40.
Dwight Schrute
Nah, that's a GE. A P40 is much higher pitched.
Toby Flenderson
You're into trains?
Dwight Schrute
I have been my whole life.
Toby Flenderson
Wow.
Dwight Schrute
I'm rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house.
Toby Flenderson
That's so cool.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Toby Flenderson
Wow, I'd love to take a look at that.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, it's just a run of the mill slaughter house, but sure anytime.
Toby Flenderson
Well, you know, 'cause of the trains.
Dwight Schrute
Wa... wa... wait , someone's coming.
Toby Flenderson
Uhh, oh boy, oh boy.
Dwight Schrute
Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera!
Toby Flenderson
Get over there! Get over there!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, worker's comp, my ass!
Toby Flenderson
I can't believe this. (mistaking Darryl's sister for Darryl) Hey you, ass****!
Dwight Schrute
Toby...
Toby Flenderson
You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?
Dwight Schrute
Ooohhh... (crashes car into garbage cans) Oh man! You okay?
Toby Flenderson
Just keep going.

Scene 19

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Ryan.
Ryan Howard
Hey.
Pam Beesly
So, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, I might stop by.
Pam Beesly
It costs about $75 per person.
Ryan Howard
Okay, I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77.
Pam Beesly
Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not?
Ryan Howard
Yes, I'm coming to your wedding.
Pam Beesly
Okay, Ryan Howard, yes.
Ryan Howard
Probably, yes.
Pam Beesly
Kelly Kapoor, yes.

Scene 20

18 lines
David Wallace
Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilites?
Michael Scott
Look who you're talking to.
David Wallace
I'm just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents.
Michael Scott
Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever.
David Wallace
What about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position?
Michael Scott
(looks at Jim) Permission to speak on the record?
David Wallace
Please do.
Michael Scott
Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No, I don't think so. Because Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. I... If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe.
David Wallace
I thought you liked Jim?
Michael Scott
Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it's his performance report... right here. Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable.
Michael Scott
It's not very well written, but you get the gist.
David Wallace
Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch?
Michael Scott
I can just continue to run it myself.
David Wallace
Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position.
Michael Scott
This was Jim's idea?
David Wallace
Mmhmm.
Michael Scott
Wow. Ummm, well I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H and R Block.
David Wallace
Ummm... okay, here's the thing though. The plan doesn't work unless we have someone to replace you. I was hoping... plus we have to worry about Jim, he has another job offer. We may have to replace him.

Scene 21

1 line
Jim Halpert
I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example, he handed out Jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown marathon.

Scene 22

2 lines
David Wallace
Jim can you walk me out to my car for a second.
Jim Halpert
Sure.

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
(after talking to David, Jim looks dejected) I can't help but feel partially responsible.

Scene 24

13 lines
Michael Scott
(shakes jelly beans) Little pick me up? (Jim accepts) Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush.
Jim Halpert
When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace, did I come up at all?
Michael Scott
Well we did talk about how handsome you are.
Jim Halpert
Why don't we head in your office to talk?
Michael Scott
Oh what a week, God. We said... I know there were certain things we said...
Jim Halpert
Michael, look I'll just be honest with you. Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion. I actually think that talk went really well. And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed.
Michael Scott
Hmmm, that's weird, that's weird... it's kinda weirding me out. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Jim Halpert
Michael, did you say anything?
Michael Scott
Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Michael Scott
Yes!
Jim Halpert
You will? Wanna do it right now?
Michael Scott
Yes.

Scene 25

1 line
Jim Halpert
I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.

Scene 26

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated.
Toby Flenderson
If they were dilated...
Darryl Philbin
Toby! Dwight! Is that them?
Gwenneth
Definitely.
Darryl Philbin
You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass****, and told her to eat dog food.
Dwight Schrute
We thought that she was you.
Darryl Philbin
Why would you think a lady is me?
Dwight Schrute
Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?
Toby Flenderson
No, nah. I don't see it.
Darryl Philbin
Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you.
Dwight Schrute
Aww, Darryl.
Darryl Philbin
C'mon Gwenneth.
Gwenneth
Sad.

Scene 27

11 lines
David Wallace
(on phone) This is David.
Michael Scott
Hey David, this is Michael Scott. (Jim pushes speaker phone button) Michael Scott here.
David Wallace
Yep.
Michael Scott
Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.
David Wallace
So, what, you're changing your mind about Jim?
Michael Scott
Absolutely, (turns speakerphone off) not. (turns speakerphone back on) Like I said before, Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job.
David Wallace
Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out... This is not what you said earlier.
Michael Scott
Wha... here's the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him.
David Wallace
Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file.
Michael Scott
Well, nnnn, that... that was an anomaly. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.
David Wallace
Michael, I really don't know what's going on (police sirens in background) down there, but... oh, dammit, I am getting pulled over for talking on my cell, dammit.

Scene 28

15 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey Darryl, look ahhh, we're here to apologize ahh...
Darryl Philbin
Cool.
Dwight Schrute
Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.
Toby Flenderson
What?
Dwight Schrute
He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment, case closed.
Darryl Philbin
Stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Dwight Schrute
Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby.
Toby Flenderson
Well, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em but I suppose if we wanted to be really certain...
Darryl Philbin
Alright, yeah fine so whatever...
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Toby Flenderson
You really did it...
Dwight Schrute
Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.
Darryl Philbin
And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister.
Dwight Schrute
Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that...
Toby Flenderson
Ahhh, kay. Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but you know, we can just move on with our... with our lives.

Scene 29

1 line
Toby Flenderson
So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that both would file complaints with corporate and now I get to do all this paperwork. We worked it out.

Scene 30

10 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, hey Jim, it would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face. Alright, Just do it.
Jim Halpert
How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job.
Michael Scott
I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, (starts to choke up) and now I don't wanna lose the baby.
Jim Halpert
So instead, you screwed me?
Michael Scott
That's what she...
Jim Halpert
No.
Erin Hannon
David Wallace is calling.
Michael Scott
Kind of in the middle of something here.
Erin Hannon
Should I tell him you'll call him back?
Michael Scott
I, yeah... no, I'll tell him myself. Let's both.

Scene 31

14 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) Hello.
David Wallace
Hey Michael, you got Jim there with you?
Michael Scott
No, it's just us.
David Wallace
Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please.
Michael Scott
Oh, oh, well here he is right now. (Michael knocks on desk) Come in. (Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer)
Jim Halpert
Hi David.
David Wallace
Hey guys, so I spoke to Alan, we had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool. But it only works if everyone's on board.
Michael Scott
Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.
David Wallace
We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day to day and Michael you would focus on clients and big picture stuff.
Jim Halpert
Wow, that sounds pretty cool.
Michael Scott
I like that, so manager and co-manager.
David Wallace
Co-manager and Co-manager. See, there are a lot of moving pieces and this is the only way I can sell it upstairs.
Michael Scott
Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager.
David Wallace
Alright, hey Michael can you pick up for one second. (Michael picks up phone) Okay look, I'm not going to force you into anything. If you're willing to lose Jim, fine, you just say so and we'll find another solution, okay. Is that what you want to do?

Scene 32

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Okay people, listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed...
Michael Scott
Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make... whoa do you have an announcement?
Dwight Schrute
I'm... I was making it.
Michael Scott
Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.
Stanley Hudson
Co-manager of what?
Michael Scott
Of your butt, and your butt, and your butt, all of the Scranton branch butts.
Phyllis Vance
What's happening to you Michael?
Michael Scott
What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager, we will be co-managers together. Jim Halpert, welcome.
Jim Halpert
(shakes Michael's hand) Thank you. (Dwight looks disappointed and angry behind them)

Scene 33

1 line
Dwight Schrute
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Scene 34

16 lines
Meredith Palmer
Niagara Falls in October? Pfft, hells yeah.
Pam Beesly
Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card?
Meredith Palmer
Nah, I'll just tell you now, easier.
Pam Beesly
Well, you have to choose a food option and there's information in there about directions and lodging...
Meredith Palmer
I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs. I'll just get the other information the day of, I'll text you.
Pam Beesly
You are going to text me, the morning of my wedding.
Meredith Palmer
Uh huh.
Pam Beesly
To ask for directions..
Meredith Palmer
Right...
Pam Beesly
And you will eat whatever is fanciest?
Meredith Palmer
Unless there's ribs. (leaves)
Angela Martin
Rude.
Pam Beesly
So rude, right?
Angela Martin
Mmm hmmm.
Pam Beesly
(sits down) Oh my gosh, I have been chasing people down all day. It's incredible.
Angela Martin
Pam, my bag was there...