Secretary's Day

Vol. 6 · Issue 20The Office · NBCScranton, PA

Michael accidentally ruins Secretary’s Day by revealing Andy’s past engagement to Angela, leading to a very public meltdown at Hayworth's. Back at the office, Kevin deals with some Cookie Monster-themed bullying while Jim and Pam suffer through a paid suspension. Every line from the episode is right here, including the full script and those classic Kevin quotes.

Scene 01

21 lines

Andy Bernard

This is awesome!

Oscar Martinez

Thank you. It didn't even take that long.

Kevin Malone

This isn't funny. I don't talk like that. (all continue laughing)

Kevin Malone

No. I won't say it.

Dwight Schrute

Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.

Dwight Schrute

(gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk) Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?

Phyllis Vance

Mm-hmm.

Dwight Schrute

I love that show.

Ryan Howard

Good work, buddy.

Oscar Martinez

Thank you.

Dwight Schrute

That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.

Oscar Martinez

Yes.

Kelly Kapoor

Me, too Oscar.

Ryan Howard

C.C. me

Kevin Malone

Angela, this is inappropriate.

Angela Martin

This is my favorite day.

Scene 02

1 line

Andy Bernard

It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. (Andy unfurling a giant "Happy Secretary's Day" banner by reception, placing a teddy bear on Erin's chair). Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.

Scene 03

5 lines

Meredith Palmer

Here you go.

Erin Hannon

Oh, thank you.

Andy Bernard

I do.

Dwight Schrute

(hands Erin a basket of beets)

Erin Hannon

Thank you.

Scene 04

1 line

Andy Bernard

If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

Scene 05

2 lines

Erin Hannon

(as Halperts arrive) Welcome back!

Pam Beesly

Hey, thanks.

Scene 06

1 line

Pam Beesly

It's my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?... It rocked. It rocked my ass off.

Scene 07

5 lines

Pam Beesly

(at her desk, grabs her plant and sees it dried up, looks at Jim) Oh. You couldn't have watered it?

Jim Halpert

I literally did not know that existed until this moment.

Dwight Schrute

Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.

Pam Beesly

It's nice to see you again, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

Hello, Pam.

Scene 08

9 lines

Andy Bernard

(arrives at Michael's office and sits) I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day.

Michael Scott

I'm going to give Erin $15.

Erin Hannon

I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch.

Michael Scott

A one-on-one lunch with Erin?

Andy Bernard

Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. (Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear's arm at Michael).

Michael Scott

She's kind of a rube.

Andy Bernard

(slams his hand on Michael's desk) That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

Michael Scott

Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'll take her to lunch.

Andy Bernard

(taping desk) She's gonna be so psyched.

Scene 09

13 lines

Michael Scott

(walks over to Erin's desk) Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day.

Erin Hannon

Well, happy Boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss.

Michael Scott

I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...(Erin snaps a picture of Michael) lunch.

Erin Hannon

I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's.

Michael Scott

Ugh.

Erin Hannon

Just the two of us.

Michael Scott

Well, Hayworth's is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I'm...

Erin Hannon

Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth's, but...

Michael Scott

Okay, well, we'll figure something. (Michael turns and starts back toward his office)

Erin Hannon

Oh.

Michael Scott

(looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around) Okay, let's go to Hayworth's.

Erin Hannon

(cheerfully) Okay.

Michael Scott

All right.

Scene 10

6 lines

Kevin Malone

Yeah, haha. Tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.

Darryl Philbin

I brought those in. It's my birthday. That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.

Kevin Malone

Man, Darryl, I'm sorry. (pats Darryl's back) Happy Birthday.

Darryl Philbin

Thank you. (Kevin grabs cookie and starts eating it)

Darryl Philbin

(as Cookie Monster) Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum.

Scene 11

1 line

Scene 12

7 lines

Kevin Malone

(again on laptop as Cookie Monster as he shows Gabe the video) Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...

Gabe Lewis

This is violent and offensive.

Kevin Malone

Thank you. (computer continues) It really makes me self-conscious about my voice.

Gabe Lewis

It's awful. (reaches for tissue box, hands it to Kevin)

Kevin Malone

I'm not crying.

Gabe Lewis

You have some food on your face.

Kevin Malone

(on computer as Cookie Monster) Do my hands feel sweaty to you? (Kevin grabs a tissue and wipes his mouth)

Scene 13

1 line

Gabe Lewis

The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure.

Scene 14

3 lines

Gabe Lewis

Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or e-mail this around.

Kevin Malone

Yeah.

Gabe Lewis

And that's straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all. Ciao.

Scene 15

7 lines

Michael Scott

(in his car with Erin driving to lunch) Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire.

Erin Hannon

I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?

Michael Scott

(shakes head, annoyed) I don't know.

Erin Hannon

I would have chosen the 1490's.

Michael Scott

Ahhh.

Erin Hannon

'Cause America was discovered.

Michael Scott

Right. (sighs)

Scene 16

3 lines

Erin Hannon

(at lunch) And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don't know, I couldn't keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. (Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed). So it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month?

Michael Scott

An age or month?

Erin Hannon

Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven.

Scene 17

1 line

Michael Scott

I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.

Scene 18

31 lines

Erin Hannon

How many pillows do you sleep on at night?

Michael Scott

So how are things going with Andy?

Erin Hannon

He's the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him.

Michael Scott

Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo.

Erin Hannon

Yeah I love that.

Michael Scott

Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.

Erin Hannon

What?

Michael Scott

I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.

Erin Hannon

Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela?

Michael Scott

Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh.

Hayworth's waiter

Here we go. Hot plate.

Michael Scott

Okay.

Hayworth's waiter

And your salad, miss.

Erin Hannon

Why wouldn't he tell me that?

Michael Scott

I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else.

Erin Hannon

They had sex?

Michael Scott

They were engaged, so... (Erin looks shocked) Okay, you know what, sir?

Hayworth's waiter

Yes?

Michael Scott

Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles?

Hayworth's waiter

Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles.

Michael Scott

Thank you.

Erin Hannon

Uhhhh, they were engaged?

Michael Scott

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Erin Hannon

(face looks disgusted, moves around uncomfortably) Uh-oh...

Michael Scott

Well...

Erin Hannon

(moans, pulls hair over her face)

Michael Scott

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Erin Hannon

In the Foster home, my hair was my room. (exhales, prolonged exclaiming)

Michael Scott

Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now.

Erin Hannon

(breathes heavily, groans)

Michael Scott

(turns to other restaurant patrons) I'll have what she's having!

Scene 19

1 line

Michael Scott

(in Michael's car) Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch.

Scene 20

22 lines

Pam Beesly

(feels a pain in her breast) Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha.

Jim Halpert

What's up?

Dwight Schrute

Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.

Jim Halpert

Dwight, don't be gross.

Pam Beesly

No, no, he's right.

Dwight Schrute

Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.

Pam Beesly

That's weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump?

Dwight Schrute

(removes jacket, applies hand sanitizer) All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me.

Pam Beesly

You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?

Dwight Schrute

Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.

Pam Beesly

Mm. (walks into bathroom, Meredith is using her brest pump) Meredith!

Meredith Palmer

I just like the way it feels.

Pam Beesly

What are you doing?!

Meredith Palmer

Just relax. Okay.

Pam Beesly

Relax?!

Meredith Palmer

This is like the Cadillac of pumps.

Pam Beesly

Give it back to me now.

Meredith Palmer

Okay, I was just warming it up.

Pam Beesly

It's disgusting!

Meredith Palmer

It's not a big deal.

Pam Beesly

It's not sterile!

Meredith Palmer

We're both girls. Who cares?

Scene 21

7 lines

Andy Bernard

So... how was lunch?

Erin Hannon

Lunch was fine.

Andy Bernard

Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?

Erin Hannon

I don't know. It was lunch, Andy.

Andy Bernard

Well, I know. (stammers) Just want... I mean... (chuckles)

Oscar Martinez

Erin? I think we're out of fax cover sheets.

Erin Hannon

God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy.

Scene 22

26 lines

Kelly Kapoor

(using a Cookie Monster voice) "My name is Kevin, I'm an accountant." See I did the voice.

Ryan Howard

That's a little derivative.

Kelly Kapoor

But parody is always derivative.

Ryan Howard

Uh, it's not organic. Do you know what I mean?

Pam Beesly

Jim does a really good one. Do yours.

Jim Halpert

Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. "Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall."

Gabe Lewis

Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV?

Jim Halpert

"Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies."

Gabe Lewis

Ok.

Andy Bernard

Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself.

Michael Scott

You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so..

Andy Bernard

I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.

Michael Scott

No. No. No.

Andy Bernard

Specific shout-out..

Michael Scott

Stop talking.

Andy Bernard

Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote (starts to use a British accent) a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three..

Erin Hannon

(throws a piece of cake at Andy's face) I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me.

Michael Scott

Oh God.

Andy Bernard

Can we talk about this in private?

Erin Hannon

I don't want to be in private. Is it true or is it not?

Andy Bernard

Yes.

Erin Hannon

Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?

Pam Beesly

No, no never.

Erin Hannon

Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know?

Dwight Schrute

Yeah pretty much.

Erin Hannon

Who are you?! I don't know you! (pushes someone away to leave)

Scene 23

1 line

Gabe Lewis

I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.

Scene 24

11 lines

Kevin Malone

Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would've told you.

Erin Hannon

Thanks.

Kevin Malone

So if you need anything, I'm right over there.

Pam Beesly

(imitating Cookie Monster) "Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful."

Gabe Lewis

Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it. I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days.

Pam Beesly

What? What do you mean, suspend me?

Jim Halpert

I think you need to go a little easy. You can't just suspend someone form work.

Gabe Lewis

Yeah, you're right. You know what? Um, you're suspended too Jim. (Dwight starts to clap) Ok fine. You too Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.

Gabe Lewis

I don't want to hear it. Suspended.

Kevin Malone

"C" is for suspension.

Scene 25

4 lines

Andy Bernard

Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day?

Michael Scott

Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like.. that's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap.

Andy Bernard

I was going to tell her, just on my own time.

Michael Scott

You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.

Scene 26

1 line

Andy Bernard

Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things.

Scene 27

8 lines

Angela Martin

Psst. Hey. Erin.

Erin Hannon

You want to talk to me, come to my desk.

Angela Martin

You embarrassed me earlier.

Erin Hannon

Oh. Take it up with the chief of police.

Angela Martin

You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it.

Erin Hannon

I want to throw up just thinking about it.

Angela Martin

You are throwing up for the wrong reasons!

Toby Flenderson

(standing behind Erin) I don't think this fax is going through. Is there a different... I can just put it through again, you know.

Scene 28

7 lines

Pam Beesly

Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim.

Erin Hannon

Really?

Pam Beesly

Yeah. And he worked here too.

Erin Hannon

It was Andy, wasn't it?

Pam Beesly

No, no it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.

Erin Hannon

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Pam Beesly

Thank you. (kisses Jim on the cheek)

Scene 29

1 line

Gabe Lewis

(talking on the phone) So I can reprimand them but I can't suspend them. Oh I can't do either. Uh huh. Fair enough.

Scene 30

14 lines

Pam Beesly

(answers phone) Hey Toby.

Toby Flenderson

I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in, but he can't dock your pay. That's not legal.

Pam Beesly

Very interesting.

Toby Flenderson

Yeah, I also learned some interesting things about how they structure...

Pam Beesly

(Gabe walks in) Thanks Toby.

Gabe Lewis

Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I'm glad I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what's really important. (Pam hands Jim a note) It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension.

Pam Beesly

I don't think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension.

Jim Halpert

And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that.

Dwight Schrute

(gets up and walks towards Gabe) Prideful idiots. Watch how it's done. (Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave) Gabriel, I apologize.

Gabe Lewis

Great.

Dwight Schrute

(gets on one knee) I kneel before you.

Gabe Lewis

Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.

Dwight Schrute

Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.

Gabe Lewis

(following Jim and Pam to their car) Guys, to err is human. (trying to block their car)

Scene 31

8 lines

Erin Hannon

Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?

Andy Bernard

Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.

Erin Hannon

How long were you guys together?

Andy Bernard

A year.

Erin Hannon

A year? You were together for a year?

Andy Bernard

Yeah but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else...

Erin Hannon

I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok?

Andy Bernard

I didn't see that movie.

Scene 32

13 lines

Gabe Lewis

(walking back into the office) That was ugly. I'm sorry you had to see that.

Kelly Kapoor

Do they still get paid?

Gabe Lewis

It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened.

Oscar Martinez

Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.

Meredith Palmer

Pathetic.

Gabe Lewis

Can I buy everyone coffees? (everyone shakes their heads) (in Cookie Monster voice) "Or cookies."

Dwight Schrute

What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression?

Gabe Lewis

Alright.

Kevin Malone

(imitating Gabe) Uh guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person.

Gabe Lewis

You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm one of the gang.

Dwight Schrute

"I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit."

Kevin Malone

"Ciao" Right? "Ciao. I say Ciao because I'm fancy from Tallahassee."

Gabe Lewis

Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? (everyone says ciao)

Scene 33

12 lines

Erin Hannon

(sitting on bench outside groaning)

Michael Scott

Erin?

Erin Hannon

Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone.

Erin Hannon

I can't trust Andy anymore.

Michael Scott

Oh. Yep. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing.

Erin Hannon

It's Andy's fault.

Michael Scott

Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis.

Erin Hannon

Oh, I like his butt.

Michael Scott

You said butt.

Erin Hannon

You tricked me!

Michael Scott

Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him: "Hey! Hey Scott!"

Scene 34

1 line

Andy Bernard

Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day.

Scene 35

1 line

Oscar's voice from the computer

Hey Kevin it's Oscar. I'm looking at the sheet you sent me. And I can't seem to find the column for shipping cost.

Scene 36

1 line

Kevin Malone

I made the most brilliant retaliation video. It's awesome.

Scene 37

10 lines

Phyllis Vance

I don't get it.

Jim Halpert

Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice.

Pam Beesly

Yeah. "I vant to count to ten".

Kevin Malone

But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers.

Kelly Kapoor

But you're an accountant too.

Oscar Martinez

Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch?

Pam Beesly

That would have been funny.

Kevin Malone

But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple.

Michael Scott

(walking up) Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? "Oscar. I am the Count." Nailed him. Nailed him. (Gives Kevin a fist pump) Good work Cookie Monster.

Kevin Malone

Thank you.