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Season 6 Episode 20
Secretary's Day

Every line from The Office episode "Secretary's Day", season 6 episode 20.

Cookie Monster: (Kevin's voice) Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them. (all laugh)
Andy Bernard: This is awesome!
Oscar Martinez: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Cookie Monster: (Kevin's voice) What's the difference between a chimichanga, (Kevin arrives behind the group) a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
Kevin Malone: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that. (all continue laughing)
Phyllis Vance: Say "Me eat cookie."
Kevin Malone: No. I won't say it.
Dwight Schrute: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan Howard: It's Kevin as Cookie monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight Schrute: (gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk) Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis Vance: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: I love that show.
Cookie Monster: (Kevin's voice) This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan Howard: Good work, buddy.
Oscar Martinez: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar Martinez: Yes.
Kelly Kapoor: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan Howard: C.C. me
Kevin Malone: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela Martin: This is my favorite day.
Andy Bernard: It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. (Andy unfurling a giant "Happy Secretary's Day" banner by reception, placing a teddy bear on Erin's chair). Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.
Meredith Palmer: Here you go.
Erin Hannon: Oh, thank you.
Andy Bernard: I do.
Dwight Schrute: (hands Erin a basket of beets)
Erin Hannon: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.
Erin Hannon: (as Halperts arrive) Welcome back!
Pam Beesly: Hey, thanks.
Pam Beesly: It's my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?... It rocked. It rocked my ass off.
Pam Beesly: (at her desk, grabs her plant and sees it dried up, looks at Jim) Oh. You couldn't have watered it?
Jim Halpert: I literally did not know that existed until this moment.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.
Pam Beesly: It's nice to see you again, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Hello, Pam.
Andy Bernard: (arrives at Michael's office and sits) I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day.
Michael Scott: I'm going to give Erin $15.
Erin Hannon: I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch.
Michael Scott: A one-on-one lunch with Erin?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. (Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear's arm at Michael).
Michael Scott: She's kind of a rube.
Andy Bernard: (slams his hand on Michael's desk) That's my girlfriend you're talking about.
Michael Scott: Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'll take her to lunch.
Andy Bernard: (taping desk) She's gonna be so psyched.
Michael Scott: (walks over to Erin's desk) Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day.
Erin Hannon: Well, happy Boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss.
Michael Scott: I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...(Erin snaps a picture of Michael) lunch.
Erin Hannon: I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's.
Michael Scott: Ugh.
Erin Hannon: Just the two of us.
Michael Scott: Well, Hayworth's is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I'm...
Erin Hannon: Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth's, but...
Michael Scott: Okay, well, we'll figure something. (Michael turns and starts back toward his office)
Erin Hannon: Oh.
Michael Scott: (looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around) Okay, let's go to Hayworth's.
Erin Hannon: (cheerfully) Okay.
Michael Scott: All right.
Meredith Palmer: (sitting at kitchen table with Darryl) Have a cookie, Kev.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, haha. Tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.
Darryl Philbin: I brought those in. It's my birthday. That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.
Kevin Malone: Man, Darryl, I'm sorry. (pats Darryl's back) Happy Birthday.
Darryl Philbin: Thank you. (Kevin grabs cookie and starts eating it)
Darryl Philbin: (as Cookie Monster) Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum.
Kevin Malone: They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.
Kevin Malone: (again on laptop as Cookie Monster as he shows Gabe the video) Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...
Gabe Lewis: This is violent and offensive.
Kevin Malone: Thank you. (computer continues) It really makes me self-conscious about my voice.
Gabe Lewis: It's awful. (reaches for tissue box, hands it to Kevin)
Kevin Malone: I'm not crying.
Gabe Lewis: You have some food on your face.
Kevin Malone: (on computer as Cookie Monster) Do my hands feel sweaty to you? (Kevin grabs a tissue and wipes his mouth)
Gabe Lewis: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure.
Gabe Lewis: Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or e-mail this around.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Gabe Lewis: And that's straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all. Ciao.
Michael Scott: (in his car with Erin driving to lunch) Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire.
Erin Hannon: I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?
Michael Scott: (shakes head, annoyed) I don't know.
Erin Hannon: I would have chosen the 1490's.
Michael Scott: Ahhh.
Erin Hannon: 'Cause America was discovered.
Michael Scott: Right. (sighs)
Erin Hannon: (at lunch) And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don't know, I couldn't keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. (Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed). So it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month?
Michael Scott: An age or month?
Erin Hannon: Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven.
Michael Scott: I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird.
Erin Hannon: How many pillows do you sleep on at night?
Michael Scott: So how are things going with Andy?
Erin Hannon: He's the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him.
Michael Scott: Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo.
Erin Hannon: Yeah I love that.
Michael Scott: Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.
Erin Hannon: What?
Michael Scott: I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.
Erin Hannon: Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh.
Hayworth's waiter: Here we go. Hot plate.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Hayworth's waiter: And your salad, miss.
Erin Hannon: Why wouldn't he tell me that?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having sex with somebody else.
Erin Hannon: They had sex?
Michael Scott: They were engaged, so... (Erin looks shocked) Okay, you know what, sir?
Hayworth's waiter: Yes?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles?
Hayworth's waiter: Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Erin Hannon: Uhhhh, they were engaged?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Erin Hannon: (face looks disgusted, moves around uncomfortably) Uh-oh...
Michael Scott: Well...
Erin Hannon: (moans, pulls hair over her face)
Michael Scott: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Erin Hannon: In the Foster home, my hair was my room. (exhales, prolonged exclaiming)
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now.
Erin Hannon: (breathes heavily, groans)
Michael Scott: (turns to other restaurant patrons) I'll have what she's having!
Michael Scott: (in Michael's car) Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch.
Pam Beesly: (feels a pain in her breast) Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha.
Jim Halpert: What's up?
Dwight Schrute: Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, don't be gross.
Pam Beesly: No, no, he's right.
Dwight Schrute: Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.
Pam Beesly: That's weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump?
Dwight Schrute: (removes jacket, applies hand sanitizer) All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me.
Pam Beesly: You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?
Dwight Schrute: Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.
Pam Beesly: Mm. (walks into bathroom, Meredith is using her brest pump) Meredith!
Meredith Palmer: I just like the way it feels.
Pam Beesly: What are you doing?!
Meredith Palmer: Just relax. Okay.
Pam Beesly: Relax?!
Meredith Palmer: This is like the Cadillac of pumps.
Pam Beesly: Give it back to me now.
Meredith Palmer: Okay, I was just warming it up.
Pam Beesly: It's disgusting!
Meredith Palmer: It's not a big deal.
Pam Beesly: It's not sterile!
Meredith Palmer: We're both girls. Who cares?
Andy Bernard: So... how was lunch?
Erin Hannon: Lunch was fine.
Andy Bernard: Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?
Erin Hannon: I don't know. It was lunch, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Well, I know. (stammers) Just want... I mean... (chuckles)
Oscar Martinez: Erin? I think we're out of fax cover sheets.
Erin Hannon: God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy.
Kelly Kapoor: (using a Cookie Monster voice) "My name is Kevin, I'm an accountant." See I did the voice.
Ryan Howard: That's a little derivative.
Kelly Kapoor: But parody is always derivative.
Ryan Howard: Uh, it's not organic. Do you know what I mean?
Pam Beesly: Jim does a really good one. Do yours.
Jim Halpert: Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. "Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall."
Gabe Lewis: Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV?
Jim Halpert: "Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies."
Gabe Lewis: Ok.
Andy Bernard: Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself.
Michael Scott: You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so..
Andy Bernard: I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.
Michael Scott: No. No. No.
Andy Bernard: Specific shout-out..
Michael Scott: Stop talking.
Andy Bernard: Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote (starts to use a British accent) a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three..
Erin Hannon: (throws a piece of cake at Andy's face) I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me.
Michael Scott: Oh God.
Andy Bernard: Can we talk about this in private?
Erin Hannon: I don't want to be in private. Is it true or is it not?
Andy Bernard: Yes.
Erin Hannon: Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?
Pam Beesly: No, no never.
Erin Hannon: Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah pretty much.
Erin Hannon: Who are you?! I don't know you! (pushes someone away to leave)
Gabe Lewis: I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.
Kevin Malone: Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would've told you.
Erin Hannon: Thanks.
Kevin Malone: So if you need anything, I'm right over there.
Pam Beesly: (imitating Cookie Monster) "Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful."
Gabe Lewis: Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it. I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days.
Pam Beesly: What? What do you mean, suspend me?
Jim Halpert: I think you need to go a little easy. You can't just suspend someone form work.
Gabe Lewis: Yeah, you're right. You know what? Um, you're suspended too Jim. (Dwight starts to clap) Ok fine. You too Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.
Gabe Lewis: I don't want to hear it. Suspended.
Kevin Malone: "C" is for suspension.
Andy Bernard: Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day?
Michael Scott: Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like.. that's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap.
Andy Bernard: I was going to tell her, just on my own time.
Michael Scott: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.
Andy Bernard: Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things.
Angela Martin: Psst. Hey. Erin.
Erin Hannon: You want to talk to me, come to my desk.
Angela Martin: You embarrassed me earlier.
Erin Hannon: Oh. Take it up with the chief of police.
Angela Martin: You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it.
Erin Hannon: I want to throw up just thinking about it.
Angela Martin: You are throwing up for the wrong reasons!
Toby Flenderson: (standing behind Erin) I don't think this fax is going through. Is there a different... I can just put it through again, you know.
Pam Beesly: Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim.
Erin Hannon: Really?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. And he worked here too.
Erin Hannon: It was Andy, wasn't it?
Pam Beesly: No, no it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
Erin Hannon: I hope you find what you're looking for.
Pam Beesly: Thank you. (kisses Jim on the cheek)
Gabe Lewis: (talking on the phone) So I can reprimand them but I can't suspend them. Oh I can't do either. Uh huh. Fair enough.
Pam Beesly: (answers phone) Hey Toby.
Toby Flenderson: I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in, but he can't dock your pay. That's not legal.
Pam Beesly: Very interesting.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, I also learned some interesting things about how they structure...
Pam Beesly: (Gabe walks in) Thanks Toby.
Gabe Lewis: Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I'm glad I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what's really important. (Pam hands Jim a note) It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension.
Pam Beesly: I don't think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension.
Jim Halpert: And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that.
Dwight Schrute: (gets up and walks towards Gabe) Prideful idiots. Watch how it's done. (Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave) Gabriel, I apologize.
Gabe Lewis: Great.
Dwight Schrute: (gets on one knee) I kneel before you.
Gabe Lewis: Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.
Dwight Schrute: Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.
Gabe Lewis: (following Jim and Pam to their car) Guys, to err is human. (trying to block their car)
Erin Hannon: Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?
Andy Bernard: Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.
Erin Hannon: How long were you guys together?
Andy Bernard: A year.
Erin Hannon: A year? You were together for a year?
Andy Bernard: Yeah but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else...
Erin Hannon: I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok?
Andy Bernard: I didn't see that movie.
Gabe Lewis: (walking back into the office) That was ugly. I'm sorry you had to see that.
Kelly Kapoor: Do they still get paid?
Gabe Lewis: It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened.
Oscar Martinez: Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.
Meredith Palmer: Pathetic.
Gabe Lewis: Can I buy everyone coffees? (everyone shakes their heads) (in Cookie Monster voice) "Or cookies."
Dwight Schrute: What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression?
Gabe Lewis: Alright.
Kevin Malone: (imitating Gabe) Uh guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person.
Gabe Lewis: You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm one of the gang.
Dwight Schrute: "I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit."
Kevin Malone: "Ciao" Right? "Ciao. I say Ciao because I'm fancy from Tallahassee."
Gabe Lewis: Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? (everyone says ciao)
Erin Hannon: (sitting on bench outside groaning)
Michael Scott: Erin?
Erin Hannon: Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone.
Michael Scott: No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down?
Erin Hannon: I can't trust Andy anymore.
Michael Scott: Oh. Yep. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing.
Erin Hannon: It's Andy's fault.
Michael Scott: Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis.
Erin Hannon: Oh, I like his butt.
Michael Scott: You said butt.
Erin Hannon: You tricked me!
Michael Scott: Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him: "Hey! Hey Scott!"
Andy Bernard: Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day.
Oscar's voice from the computer: Hey Kevin it's Oscar. I'm looking at the sheet you sent me. And I can't seem to find the column for shipping cost.
Kevin Malone: I made the most brilliant retaliation video. It's awesome.
Phyllis Vance: I don't get it.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. "I vant to count to ten".
Kevin Malone: But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers.
Kelly Kapoor: But you're an accountant too.
Oscar Martinez: Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch?
Pam Beesly: That would have been funny.
Kevin Malone: But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple.
Michael Scott: (walking up) Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? "Oscar. I am the Count." Nailed him. Nailed him. (Gives Kevin a fist pump) Good work Cookie Monster.
Kevin Malone: Thank you.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 20 season 6. Secretary's Day is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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