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Season 6 Episode 22
The Cover-Up

Every line from The Office episode "The Cover-Up", season 6 episode 22.

Dwight Schrute: Stop it!
Jim Halpert: Stop what?
Dwight Schrute: You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!
Jim Halpert: (chuckles) Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
Jim Halpert: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
Pam Beesly: It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, "I will when you lose the baby weight."
Dwight Schrute: Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. (Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically) Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!
Michael Scott: Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Jim Halpert: It's a pen.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, come on.
Michael Scott: Get back to work, Dwight. Please.
Dwight Schrute: Fine. (clears throat) Hey. Tap away. (Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically)
Michael Scott: Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh... we're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!
Michael Scott: Who enjoys the weekends? (all raise hands) Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. (all nod) And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out.
Stanley Hudson: I have an idea for your weekend.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Stanley Hudson: Let me get back to my desk right now.
Michael Scott: Okay, you get out of here, big dog. (high-fives Stanley) Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas.
Pam Beesly: Stanley got to go.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything. Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out.
Andy Bernard: Walk around apple orchards.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Andy Bernard: Super romantic.
Michael Scott: That's fun.
Dwight Schrute: Eel fishing.
Michael Scott: All right.
Darryl Philbin: Curl up with your favorite DVD.
Meredith Palmer: You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.
Michael Scott: We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang's.
Kelly Kapoor: Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton.
Michael Scott: Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, "I wanna go to Mount Pocono," you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI.
Kelly Kapoor: Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating?
Michael Scott: You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton. Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn't see.
Ryan Howard: Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! It's in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana.
Michael Scott: You guys think Donna's cheating on me?
Pam Beesly: No, Michael, no.
Dwight Schrute: Are you nuts?
Pam Beesly: You had a nice meal with your girlfriend in a lovely place...
Michael Scott: ... and... we had sex, too.
Pam Beesly: That is right. Don't make any more of it.
Michael Scott: How?
Pam Beesly: How what?
Michael Scott: How do I not make any more of it?
Pam Beesly: You could start by concluding this meeting.
Michael Scott: All right. (all stand up to leave) And she won't say, "I love you."
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no.
Andy Bernard: How many dates have you been on?
Michael Scott: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Andy Bernard: Mm.
Oscar Martinez: That seems... quick. Even for lesbians.
Ryan Howard: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?
Ryan Howard: Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she...
Michael Scott: Yeah, she does all that.
Ryan Howard: Sorry, dude.
Michael Scott: No, no...
Pam Beesly: Michael, do not let your imagination run amok.
Michael Scott: Run what?
Pam Beesly: Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control.
Michael Scott: Why didn't you just say that, Pam?
Pam Beesly: Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control.
Michael Scott: Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world.
Jim Halpert: You do?
Michael Scott: Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit.
Jim Halpert: But you didn't believe any of this was true five minutes ago.
Michael Scott: That's what makes it so wrong.
Michael Scott: Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, God, that tickles. What did...
Michael Scott: (whispers) I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator.
Dwight Schrute: I think I've got one for you. (hands Michael a business card)
Michael Scott: This is you. How much do you charge?
Dwight Schrute: $100 a day, plus expenses.
Michael Scott: I'll give you $50. Money's no object.
Dwight Schrute: I'm just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: And you might not like how I find it. (slides over table, leaves)
Andy Bernard: Of course. Yeah, that's terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire.
Stanley Hudson: My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems.
Andy Bernard: Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important.
Gabe Lewis: There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire.
Gabe Lewis: That's weird. I haven't heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves.
Andy Bernard: What are we gonna do about this?
Gabe Lewis: I don't know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That's what I'll do today. All right. Yeah.
Andy Bernard: Let me know what they say.
Darryl Philbin: (puts newspaper down) Wow. That dude is good.
Andy Bernard: What do you mean?
Darryl Philbin: You didn't feel like he was hiding something?
Andy Bernard: I don't know.
Darryl Philbin: Like he was... covering something up? Maybe.
Darryl Philbin: Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said "Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient." (smiles)
Dwight Schrute: (sitting on his Firebird's hood in front of a gym) Hi stranger.
Donna: Oh, hi. You work for Michael.
Dwight Schrute: I work with Michael.
Donna: Right.
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute. (they shake hands)
Donna: Donna, hi.
Dwight Schrute: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.
Jim Halpert: That's interesting. Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think?
Michael Scott: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives.
Pam Beesly: Oh!...
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God
Michael Scott: It's comfort food, all right? (disgustedly) God.
Jim Halpert: You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just... stop beating yourself up.
Michael Scott: I know. Well, I hope you're right. We'll see what Dwight says.
Pam Beesly: Why do we have to see what Dwight says?
Michael Scott: Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update.
Jim Halpert: Michael, no...
Pam Beesly: No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that.
Michael Scott: It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.
Pam Beesly: Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael.
Michael Scott: God, this is so disgusting.
Pam Beesly: Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you.
Michael Scott: I know.
Pam Beesly: And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in.
Michael Scott: That's not true. (Pam stares him down) You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan.
Pam Beesly: Helene.
Michael Scott: Helene?
Pam Beesly: My mother.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Pam Beesly: My mother, Helene. (Jim shakes his head)
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life.
Jim Halpert: You should stop this, (pulls away mayo and olives bowl) and you should call Dwight right now.
Michael Scott: (sighs) All right. (calls Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: (at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna's attention) Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead.
Donna: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: It's all yours. (strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head) Ah! (after first rep, Dwight is injured)
Donna: You okay?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?
Donna: (chuckles) Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about.
Dwight Schrute: Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here.
Dwight Schrute: (moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who's next to him) Oh. Oh. Oh. (groans loudly) One thing you need to know about me. I don't quit until something tears or pops. (chuckles) You look like you're getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?
Donna: Nope. I'm good, thanks.
Dwight Schrute: Really? Hey, um... (Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his "workout")
Old lady: Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat?
Dwight Schrute: Get out of my way. Huh!
Dwight Schrute: Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right?
Donna: I'm out of here.
Dwight Schrute: Donna. Donna, wait, please. I'm sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I'm here: to see... you... naked... while... I'm... naked.
Donna: You stay away from me, or I'm calling security.
Dwight Schrute: Donna, come... Ah! Grr! Ugh! (Dwight is very sore from his "workout" and cannot chase Donna)
Michael Scott: You're back. What happened?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking.
Michael Scott: No, what happened with Donna?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. (near his groin)
Michael Scott: Ugh!
Dwight Schrute: Put your fingers here.
Michael Scott: No. No! Are you sure?
Dwight Schrute: I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there.
Michael Scott: Who eats eight protein bars?
Dwight Schrute: People who don't trust egg whites.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious.
Michael Scott: What? No, she didn't say that.
Dwight Schrute: You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, (pulls out notebook) "What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him." And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly. (lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael's office.
Michael Scott: I am not paying for that membership.
Michael Scott: (sitting on the floor behind Erin's desk, sighs) Ohhh... mmm...
Erin Hannon: Maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own office.
Michael Scott: No, I like the attention. Is she here yet?
Erin Hannon: Uh, no. (Michael sighs, Donna enters) Wait, yes.
Michael Scott: That's her?
Erin Hannon: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. (Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches) Okay, I'll talk to you later.
Donna: How could you think I would cheat on you?
Michael Scott: I didn't. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind.
Donna: That's pathetic.
Michael Scott: Ye... pfff. Well, no. It's a lie. That's not what happened. I just like you. I can't believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want.
Donna: When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. (Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake)
Michael Scott: If you wanna dump me, I totally get it.
Donna: I told you I like you.
Michael Scott: Well, you are boner-ific. (Donna laughs)
Donna: Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would...
Michael Scott: ...poop my pants.
Donna: Have you ever been to Vero Beach?
Michael Scott: Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water?
Donna: We're going.
Michael Scott: We are?
Donna: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: What's up? I got your e-mail.
Darryl Philbin: Close the door.
Andy Bernard: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. (scatting) Andy don't mess with me. (continues scatting) I'll figure something out.
Darryl Philbin: Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things.
Andy Bernard: Such as?
Darryl Philbin: It was kind of mumbled, I don't know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was "Andy," "Problem," "Eliminate," something. I don't know what it meant.
Andy Bernard: What? You don't know what it meant? How about "Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?"
Darryl Philbin: Whoa. I hadn't even thought of that.
Andy Bernard: (chuckles nervously) Yeah. Hah. Hoo.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, hey, I love your earrings.
Donna: Thank you.
Kelly Kapoor: Did Michael get them for you?
Donna: No, I bought them myself.
Kelly Kapoor: Where?
Donna: Steamtown Mall.
Kelly Kapoor: Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where?
Donna: You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there.
Kelly Kapoor: Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place?
Donna: Uh, Franklin Mills.
Jim Halpert: (to Pam) What?
Pam Beesly: Hmm? Oh. It's probably nothing.
Pam Beesly: Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael.
Jim Halpert: Wait, so are you... you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right?
Pam Beesly: No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love.
Creed Bratton: Psst... (Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down)
Andy Bernard: Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this.
Creed Bratton: So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. (draws finger across neck) Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less.
Pam Beesly: So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. (pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling) This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. (pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man) This photo was taken this morning. (shows a baby picture) It's Cece. (laughs) She's never gonna do anything wrong.
Donna: Isn't that something?
Michael Scott: Wow. (Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in) That's exciting.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related.
Michael Scott: Well it can wait. It can wait.
Pam Beesly: I lied it's personal. It's about me and Jim. We're... I just... you're the only person I can talk to.
Michael Scott: Jim is her husband.
Donna: Oh.
Pam Beesly: And...
Michael Scott: And they are having problems, so sh...
Pam Beesly: No, not... we're not... we're not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love...
Michael Scott: Good in bed.
Pam Beesly: Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?
Pam Beesly: (loudly) I need you to sign this! So bad!
Michael Scott: Okay, weirdo.
Pam Beesly: I love (leans over Michael's desk to look at his computer screen)... this idea is neat. I've never been. It sounds lovely. (meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out)
Donna: Yeah I think it'll be a nice trip. We're gonna get a lot done.
Pam Beesly: (to Michael) You're gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh, wow. Look at... golfing. (to Donna) Are you a golfer?
Donna: I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. (Pam and Donna both laugh) Hey, you okay? (to Michael, walking away disappointedly)
Michael Scott: Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam?
Pam Beesly: Absolutely. (both leave Michael's office)
Darryl Philbin: Look, I'm not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself.
Glen: I know, it's just, I'm scared...
Andy Bernard: Your text said 911.
Darryl Philbin: Glen, could you excuse us? (Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily)
Darryl Philbin: It's bad.
Andy Bernard: What's bad?
Darryl Philbin: It's real bad.
Darryl Philbin: Still no plan.
Andy Bernard: Oh, God.
Darryl Philbin: It's getting bigger.
Andy Bernard: I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire.
Darryl Philbin: I can videotape it.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Darryl Philbin: (to camera) There it is.
Andy Bernard: There what is?
Darryl Philbin: What?
Michael Scott: Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?
Pam Beesly: I don't know who he is.
Michael Scott: God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm not. I feel... I... no, I'm not going to kill him.
Pam Beesly: You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her.
Michael Scott: I have to hear it from her.
Pam Beesly: You have to settle down first.
Michael Scott: I need to have her tell me herself. Right?
Pam Beesly: Okay. Okay. Yes.
Michael Scott: I need to have her say...
Pam Beesly: Yeah, but you have to calm...
Michael Scott: I need to say, "What the hell is that? What the hell is that?"
Pam Beesly: Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture.
Michael Scott: No, God! No, no, oh, my God!
Pam Beesly: (in baby voice) Hi, Michael, hi, Michael
Michael Scott: (calms down) Okay. Okay. Okay.
Gabe Lewis: (to Andy) I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. (smiles) We've investigated. Every time it's been user error. They block the vents or something, I don't know. That's why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I'd like to reward you for that. (pulls out gift card) That's god for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts. (Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him)
Michael Scott: You know what? We should really do something fun this week.
Donna: Yeah, we should.
Michael Scott: Wouldn't that be fun?
Donna: Yeah.
Michael Scott: How about Thursday?
Donna: Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do?
Michael Scott: I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?
Donna: Oh, Friday doesn't work.
Michael Scott: Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert.
Donna: Shoot. I'm working.
Michael Scott: Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by.
Donna: Well, won't you be at the concert?
Michael Scott: Nope, that's Tuesday.
Donna: Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday.
Michael Scott: You're cheating. You're cheating on me.
Donna: How do you know?
Michael Scott: Pam told me. (looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor)
Pam Beesly: (gasps) Did she see me?
Jim Halpert: (to Pam on floor) Nice effort.
Andy Bernard: (in old Michael Scott Paper Company's "office") We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. (Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration)
Darryl Philbin: You haven't even introduced yourself.
Andy Bernard: Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much.
Darryl Philbin: You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird.
Andy Bernard: Higher? Okay. (speaking slightly higher) Recently certain events have come to my attention...
Darryl Philbin: Higher. (motions with hand to go up more)
Andy Bernard: Make it higher? Okay.
Darryl Philbin: Mm-hmm
Andy Bernard: (high-pitched) I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation...
Darryl Philbin: One more, yeah. (Again motions to go even higher)
Andy Bernard: (higher) May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... (printer starts smoking and explodes) ah! (speaking lower) It's working. (in normal voice) It's... I knew it!
Darryl Philbin: This... (removes camera headset)
Andy Bernard: We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! (Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer) Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing.
Darryl Philbin: I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore.
Michael Scott: Who is he?
Donna: What, what do you mean?
Michael Scott: The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it?
Donna: It's you. I'm married.
Michael Scott: I'm the mistress?
Dwight Schrute: (on workout bicycle at gym) Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill.
Gym Instructor: Excuse me. Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast!
Gym instructor: Don't listen to him, we're approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill.
Dwight Schrute: No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side.
Gym instructor: No, guys, no. We're just cooling down...
Dwight Schrute: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! (points to those around him) You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 22 season 6. The Cover-Up is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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