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Season 6 Episode 23
The Chump

Every line from The Office episode "The Chump", season 6 episode 23.

Toby Flenderson: This here is a radon test kit. (holding out tiny cylinder disc) Okay I will be putting 'em everywhere. And... please don't throw these out. (starts snapping towards Michael's face) This is a radon test kit. (continues snapping) Please don't throw these out. (Michael gives annoyed look) See them all over the office.
Michael Scott: Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere, like he owns the place. The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. (finds radon kit in between his blinds in his office) But I figured I'd rather live with ants than with his creepy little disc. (throws it away) The second time... I thought it was one of those, you know, those things you turn over and it moos. (finds another radon kit on top of his cabinet) Like a cow thing. But upon closer examination, it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. And the third time... I did it out of spite. (takes radon kit from the top of the blinds of his office window and slams it into the trash can)
Michael Scott: Pfffffttt.
Toby Flenderson: Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.
Michael Scott: You're kidding me? God! You say radon is silent, but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?
Toby Flenderson: Please sit down.
Michael Scott: You know what? We're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom.
Everyone: YEAH! (laughter)
Michael Scott: Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Everyone: No. No!
Jim Halpert: That's... not okay.
Michael Scott: Okay, alright.
Dwight Schrute: You were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Michael Scott: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Dwight Schrute: No, hmmm... that's still...
Everyone: Mm-mm.
Michael Scott: Okay geniuses, how would you do it?
Creed Bratton: Curve the bullet. Like in my favorite James McAvoy film, Wanted.
Oscar Martinez: All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden...
Ryan Howard: Is there a curtain rod in the room?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Stanley Hudson: How about make-believe land has anything you want?
Jim Halpert: Stanley, please, this is serious!
Angela Martin: Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence?
Michael Scott: Yes, we stab Toby through the heart with an icicle.
Dwight Schrute: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. (stands up and points to Phyllis) Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.
Toby Flenderson: I don't wanna do this.
Michael Scott: (shouting) Toby, just do it! God!
Dwight Schrute: Toby, come on. (Andy lines up to the right of Toby and Phyllis is on his left)
Dwight Schrute: Ready, one bullet. And boom! (makes shooting noises and mimics a bullet with his fingers tapping Phyllis' throat, then Toby's, and finally Andy's)
Everyone: Yeah, that works. That works!
Michael Scott: Good work. (clapping)
Pam Beesly: What flavors did you get? (yawns)
Erin Hannon: It's so exciting Pam. The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60.
Pam Beesly: (reading flavors) Despera-dough. Witchy-womanilla. Why do they do this?
Erin Hannon: Do you want me to go back to the store?
Pam Beesly: No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. We gotta get these out, open 'em up.
Erin Hannon: This is all for Michael. It turns out his girlfriend was married.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, this whole place comes to a halt, so we're just trying to get out in front of this.
Erin Hannon: After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me.
Pam Beesly: (yawns) Yeah, or no... well... I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece, otherwise I'd be running this.
Erin Hannon: That's okay. You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late, though.
Erin Hannon: We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room and the Pink Panther movie in his office. With half hour shifts to watch it with him.
Pam Beesly: And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. So please sign up.
Erin Hannon: He's coming.
Pam Beesly: Oh, okay. Everyone, remember, when he get's like this, he will wallow, if you empathize. Keep conversations light and if you get stuck, and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect okay? Farting noise, whatever. Okay.
Toby Flenderson: (walks in) Hey everyone.
Pam Beesly: No, out! Get out now! Leave now.
Dwight Schrute: Leave, get outta here.
Pam Beesly: Leave!
Dwight Schrute: Right now!
Pam Beesly: Oh, and if he makes a joke, just laugh it up, no matter what. Okay?
Michael Scott: (walks in) Morning everyone.
Everyone: Hey! (applauses) Hey, hey!
Erin Hannon: Hi Michael. (gives him a hug)
Michael Scott: Hello!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, nice tie or something.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you. It's reversible, I think. (everyone laughs)
Kevin Malone: That's hilarious.
Pam Beesly: That's awesome. You want some ice cream?
Michael Scott: Oh! Oh wow, are those Eagles' flavors? Cake it to the Limit. That's my favorite! I love that! Too much for me to have by myself. Anybody wanna share?
Kevin Malone: Boi-oi-oi-ing
Michael Scott: Okay. Well... that's random. I will dig into those later.
Lawyer: I don't follow this exactly. Uh, "The Descendants of any replicants from this union shall have..."
Dwight & Angela: Joint custody
Lawyer: Are we talking about your grandchildren?
Angela Martin: No.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Angela Martin: Rather than spend all day in court, we've decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. It was an option spelled out in our childrearing contract.
Dwight Schrute: Alleged contract.
Angela Martin: Alleged? I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over.
Dwight Schrute: Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! (pretends to karate chop her neck) See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.
Dwight Schrute: So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point "B", uh... the beet juice cleanse?
Angela Martin: I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample.
Angela Martin: Dwight, look at my teeth. (shows teeth, beet red)
Dwight Schrute: Eughh. (looks disgusted)
Andy Bernard: No secret crying. Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there.
Pam Beesly: Could he still be seeing her?
Phyllis Vance: I don't think he'd do that.
Jim Halpert: So we're gonna say the most likely scenerio is that Michael matured overnight?
Andy Bernard: Well, it happened to Tom Hanks in Big.
Jim Halpert: Exactly. It happened in Big.
Michael Scott: No, I gotta go. Text me later.
Jim Halpert: I'm really too tired to do this.
Pam Beesly: Me too!
Jim Halpert: Then let's just not do this. Do you have any idea the risks involved?
Pam Beesly: Hey Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Pam Beesly: We were wondering if you would like to have dinner with us tonight, in our home, and play with our baby.
Jim Halpert: We can order in from Hooters.
Michael Scott: Oh, Hooters to go. Nice.
Pam Beesly: We can watch a movie and play Rock Band.
Jim Halpert: Billy Joel Rock Band.
Michael Scott: That... exists?
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer.
Pam Beesly: (shouts) Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna?
Michael Scott: Okay, Pam... she's not invisible so stop asking silly questions.
Phyllis Vance: Oh Michael.
Michael Scott: Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?
Michael Scott: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband... or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
Meredith Palmer: That is something I would never do.
Michael Scott: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
Meredith Palmer: I ask... everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?".
Michael Scott: People, this is Scranton. And many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
Kelly Kapoor: Eughh, Ryan, I do not want you hanging around Michael anymore.
Ryan Howard: Okay.
Michael Scott: I will have you know that I asked Donna about this and she is fine with it. And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward. Same answer.
Andy Bernard: How does he feel about it?
Michael Scott: He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach. He wakes up early. He goes to bed early. Look at how long it took for him to find out. (points to Andy) It was right under his nose. I had to tell him.
Jim Halpert: Now you're just being hurtful.
Michael Scott: I'm sorry, it... why is it okay for Stanley to cheat or for Phyllis to cheat...
Phyllis Vance: Hey!
Michael Scott: On her diet! He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dogfighting. Drugs. They spit.
Andy Bernard: Did Donna tell you that?
Michael Scott: Real sports with Bryant Gumble.
Andy Bernard: So you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy.
Michael Scott: You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. just sit there and think about Michael jackson.
Andy Bernard: My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I'd so much rather play the part on stage.
Andy Bernard: So... here's the thing about infidelity.
Michael Scott: Mm, no, when are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy.
Andy Bernard: How does that work?
Michael Scott: Do you think this husband is a super sweet nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.
Andy Bernard: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyonce.
Michael Scott: I am Beyonce always.
Andy Bernard: Not this time.
Michael Scott: Yes, I am.
Andy Bernard: This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is.
Michael Scott: I would love that.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out.
Michael Scott: I have work to do.
Andy Bernard: Oh, really? I thought you were the boss.
Michael Scott: Let's go. (starts walking towards the elevator) I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.
Andy Bernard: (humming Call to Post) Bum bum BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM bum bum
Michael Scott: All right, Andy, please.
Andy Bernard: Baseball!
Michael Scott: Shh! Try not to draw attention, please. That's him. That's him.
Andy Bernard: Where?
Michael Scott: Right there. The coach!
Andy Bernard: Stage right or stage left? I played batboy in damn yankees!
Michael Scott: Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger. Okay? see? The grownup by the base?
Andy Bernard: (announcer's voice) And Now, coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and no heart. Capable of feeling pain.
Michael Scott: All right. Can you just-- can you just act normal for a second, please?
Andy Bernard: Whatever. I'm the one blending in.
Gabe Lewis: (ahem)(Pam snores) Guys?
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Pam Beesly: Mm. Hey. Oh, hi, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis: Can you two please join me in my office? Now.
Pam Beesly: You were supposed to be the Lookout.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, well it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag.
Gabe Lewis: I don't wanna be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad.
Jim Halpert: Sorry about that.
Pam Beesly: So embarrassing.
Gabe Lewis: Good. Okay. End of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know, the power dynamics.
Jim Halpert: Well, you were surprisingly restrained.
Pam Beesly: We will be well-rested tomorrow.
Gabe Lewis: Okay. That's great, actually, because I wanted to talk to you about something else.
Jim Halpert: Excellent. Go for it.
Gabe Lewis: I'm sure you got my email about the printer fires. The one with the branching decision tree? I actually designed that chart. Kinda hoping it catches on. (Jim and Pam struggling to stay awake) Anyway, the question is, what is the best way to disseminate important information in an efficient way?
Jim Halpert: Right? So, uh, let's uh...
Lawyer: Finally there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button.
Angela Martin: Same page. Go to the next one.
Dwight Schrute: Same page. Just keep moving.
Lawyer: Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of the matrix--
Dwight Schrute: Which we can't know.
Lawyer: This is essentially...
Dwight Schrute: Unless we're unplugged.
Lawyer: Equivalent to a donor or surrogate contractor.
Dwight Schrute: And wake up in the future.
Lawyer: Which is actually pretty common. So I have to tell you that this is a solid contract.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Lawyer: Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else.
Angela Martin: What?
Lawyer: So essentially, this comes down to damages. Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Dwight Schrute: I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.
Andy Bernard: Chase Dixon is up. Could be a big play.
Michael Scott: You have no idea what you're talking about.
Andy Bernard: I know it's like cricket.
Michael Scott: You don't. No, no.
Andy Bernard: And it's--there's-- well, home plate is like a wicket.
Michael Scott: You don't know. You don't-- you don't know anything. Look at him. Look at him over there. High-fiving? He didn't even do anything. Kid did all the work. I bet he does that at home. I bet it's like, "Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes?" "High-five, Donna." "Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers?" "Hi-five. I'm taking all the credit."
Andy Bernard: Seems pretty well liked by the team.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary.
Andy Bernard: You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players.
Michael Scott: I know, I know, I know. It--I'm--it-- that was a euphemism.
Dwight Schrute: $30,000? There's gotta be another way.
Angela Martin: He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune.
Dwight Schrute: Look, I will not pay.
Angela Martin: Well, I have an alternative.(hands Dwight a document)
Dwight Schrute: "Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?"
Lawyer: Look, I don't think that's actually legal.
Dwight Schrute: Agreed. (shakes hands with Angela)
Dwight Schrute: Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.
Dwight Schrute: But not in your bed. It's lumpy.
Angela Martin: Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Ember, Milky Way, Diane, and Lumpy.
Dwight Schrute: Fine. Five times. (signs contract)
Lawyer: Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution.
Angela Martin: I want eye contact.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Angela Martin: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Do you understand how rare is that in nature?
Angela Martin: I'm not some farm animal. (Dwight smirks at the camera)
Andy Bernard: Great game, coach.
Michael Scott: Shh! Okay, all right. Don't, don't.
Andy Bernard: You guys are awesome! Best game I've ever seen in my life.
Shane: Yeah, right. You must be rootin' for the other guys.
Andy Bernard: Ha. The other guys can go die.
Michael Scott: (whispers) Okay.
Andy Bernard: Baseball! Go talk to him.
Michael Scott: No. God. You go talk to him.
Shane: Let's go.
Andy Bernard: Shane. Great game man!
Shane: Do I know you?
Andy Bernard: No. Uh, just big fans. Both of us.
Shane: Are you somebody's... parents? Oh, are you guys... Kenny's dads?
Andy Bernard: Ha. No. No. But we're gay for baseball. (chuckles)
Shane: Okay.
Andy Bernard: But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot.
Shane: Okay. Let's go!
Andy Bernard: Yeah. I am so into the institution of marriage.
Shane: Whoa!
Andy Bernard: I mean, isn't marriage the best, you know? Two good people finding each other, getting all committed to each other. So you love baseball. What else do you love? Let's round you out as a person.
Shane: Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to... focus here on the game.
Andy Bernard: I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife.
Shane: Of course. Okay? I gotta... get back to this.
Andy Bernard: Of course.
Shane: All right.
Andy Bernard: But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon!
Michael Scott: No, no, no.
Andy Bernard: Come on, get over here.
Michael Scott: I'm good. Oh, my God.
Andy Bernard: Get- Get over here. Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach.
Michael Scott: Sorry. I got some stomach cramps.
Shane: It's all right. It's all right. Keep it going.
Michael Scott: Well, that was not at all what I expected. Hoo hoo! Whoo. My heart's still racing. I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." And you know who does that? James freakin' Bond.
Michael Scott: Okay, orange slices. There ya go.
Erin Hannon: Thanks, Michael.
Michael Scott: Don't thank me. Thank Dylan's mom. Here you go! Oh! Ooh Hoo Hoo Hoo hoo!
Oscar Martinez: Why would you throw something wet at me?
Michael Scott: You love it. There ya go.
Jim Halpert: Now, were those for the team?
Michael Scott: Uh, no, they didn't say team. They just said coal Hawks.
Jim Halpert: Ah.
Pam Beesly: I don't think those were yours to take.
Michael Scott: Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane.
Andy Bernard: I just wanna go on record as saying that I do not condone this affair, and I went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior.
Pam Beesly: Did you talk to him?
Michael Scott: I did.
Pam Beesly: You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with.
Kevin Malone: Wow. That is crazy.
Phyllis Vance: Was there a fistfight?
Michael Scott: No. We just talked. He's very nice.
Phyllis Vance: And it didn't change your mind.
Michael Scott: It did not.
Phyllis Vance: Michael, that's awful.
Michael Scott: Isn't it?
Phyllis Vance: Yes.
Michael Scott: I'm awful, aren't I?
Kevin Malone: Yeah. That's pretty bad.
Michael Scott: I'm an awful guy! Ooh!
Oscar Martinez: How can you live with yourself?
Michael Scott: I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now, I want a piece of cake. From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for.
Kevin Malone: That is a dangerous game, friendo.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, because I thought that it was a book about Anthropology the store.
Ryan Howard: I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore.
Kelly Kapoor: 'Cause it's next to they baby section, okay?
Ryan Howard: All right, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning when you said, "I read a book about anthropology."
Kelly Kapoor: I don't really know why you're screaming at me right now.
Ryan Howard: I'm not scream-- I'm not screaming.
Kelly Kapoor: That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday.
Michael Scott: I don't care. I have an appetite for life! (eats cake) Mmm. Mmm! Oh, god. That's Lemon.
Ryan Howard: Good for you, man. Good for you.
Ryan Howard: He takes what he wants.
Ryan Howard: You know what? I think you're attractive, and I wanna sleep with you.
Erin Hannon: What about Kelly?
Ryan Howard: You read my mind.
Erin Hannon: (quietly) Is this a joke?
Ryan Howard: Yep.
Ryan Howard: It's hard to live that way man. You gotta really not care what people think about you. I-I don't know how you do it, Michael, I-I-I can't be that cold.
Michael Scott: You'll learn, baby. You'll learn.
Dwight Schrute: (pressing buttons to start microwave and moves towards his crotch) I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, (banging on his crotch with drum sticks) but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. (drops yellow pages against his crotch) (screaming) (chuckling) Let's see what she gets. (bouncing crotch on bike and crashes into glass door) (thud) Aah!
Creed Bratton: (Michael leaving copy machine) Uh, boss, we're out of paper.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I noticed that.
Creed Bratton: Are you gonna add any more?
Michael Scott: Nope.
Creed Bratton: He don't give an "F" about nothin'!
Michael Scott: I have got big balls.
Pam Beesly: I don't think I'm gonna make it.
Jim Halpert: (yawning) What about an energy drink or something?
Pam Beesly: (shakes head) It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later.
Jim Halpert: Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it.
Pam Beesly: Well, it does and it doesn't.
Darryl Philbin: Probably shouldn't tell you this, but a lotta guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, so... we have a place.
Jim Halpert: A place?
Darryl Philbin: A restful location. Talk to Glen. He'll take you up in the lift.
Pam Beesly: You sleep in the warehouse?
Darryl Philbin: Lightbulb's burnt out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist, okay?
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: Pam.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Phyllis Vance: For your signature. (drops document on Michael's desk)
Michael Scott: Okay. (Phyllis avoids looking at Michael) Phyllis. Okay. Look at me. (continues to look away) Phyllis, look at-- (Phyllis turns to leave) okay, that's... (chases after her) All right, all right. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. If you think that's going to have any effect on me, it will not. I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna.
Kevin Malone: Why not your condo?
Michael Scott: Because a motel is dirty and it is sexy. Like me. And like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, Michael, will you drop it? Everybody's spoken their mind, and no one's changing their mind.
Michael Scott: Okay, Morgan Freeman-narrating-everything.
Andy Bernard: Do you want someone to stop you? 'Cause no one's going to.
Michael Scott: Nobody better try to stop me. Good. (leaves the office. door closes)
Dwight Schrute: I could have stopped him.
Dwight Schrute: Are you warmed up? (outside sliding door in warehouse)
Angela Martin: No.
Dwight Schrute: God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? (zipper sound)
Angela Martin: What did you do to yourself? (camera pans to Jim and Pam laying down in restful location)
Dwight Schrute: Never mind. Just never mind.
Angela Martin: Well, it better work.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it'll work. (Jim and Pam look shocked and disturbed) Mm. Stop kissing me. It's not in the contract.
Michael Scott: (driving in car; returns to office; grabs ice cream out of freezer) How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. (beeping; cut to Donna who is waiting in the parking lot of the motel) Like a grownup.(Donna receives text from phone) That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. And I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. (Donna has disappointed look; cut back to Michael in his office opening ice cream) At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or... being happy. And I picked... the... former.
Reporter: Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: Yes?
Reporter: Do you wanna make a comment on the rumors?
Michael Scott: (sighs) Umm... I have done some very bad things, things of which I am not proud. I would like to publicly apologize to... the coach and the players. And I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again.
Reporter: I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire.
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay. I was talking about... what do-- what? What's going on?

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