Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Whistleblower

Vol. 6 · Issue 24Scranton, PA

Jo Bennett is hunting for the leak after Sabre's printers start catching fire, and things get tense in the office fast. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from Michael's awkward plane ride with Jo to Nick the IT guy's epic bridge-burning exit. It’s the complete dialogue for the moment Andy gets outed as the snitch while everyone else tries to save their own skin.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
(on Youtube video) There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. (phone rings, Michael picks it up) Michael Scott, as seen on TV.
Todd Packer
(high-pitched voice) I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... (normal voice) It's Packer!
Michael Scott
OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl!

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in the paper today. And it's online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough.

Scene 03

11 lines
Michael Scott
Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site.
Oscar Martinez
What's number one?
Michael Scott
Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times.
Jim Halpert
So instead of working, you want...
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it!
Angela Martin
Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? It's on the same site!
Phyllis Vance
Awww, it's kissing its mommy!
Michael Scott
Please.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever.

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand up. (looks toward computer) It's trying to stand up... (choking up) there it goes.

Scene 05

14 lines
Jo Bennett
Howdy. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Michael Scott
Jo! We were not expecting you!
Jo Bennett
'Course you all, no doubt, know why I'm here.
Kevin Malone
No.
Jo Bennett
Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go.
Kevin Malone
Jo, I think that I know what happened.
Jo Bennett
I'm not sure you do, teddy bear.
Kevin Malone
Well, now I think I might not.
Jo Bennett
Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please.
Michael Scott
Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office.
Jo Bennett
Can you now?
Michael Scott
Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.
Phyllis Vance
(quietly, to Andy) Put your hand up, Norma Rae.
Andy Bernard
If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.

Scene 06

1 line
Andy Bernard
So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. (sings) Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today?

Scene 07

6 lines
Jo Bennett
(as Gabe hands out forms to everyone) It's a little form, says "I did not do it."
Michael Scott
There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like...
Jo Bennett
All that's just birthday information, Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture.
Jo Bennett
Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what'cha say?
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 08

1 line
Jo Bennett
When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice!", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said "Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah", well nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.

Scene 09

8 lines
Jo Bennett
So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him?
Michael Scott
We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda.
Jo Bennett
Uh, that's, uh, Guantanamo Bay.
Michael Scott
Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can.
Jo Bennett
Well, I guess we're all right, Michael.
Michael Scott
I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right.
Jo Bennett
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 10

11 lines
Nick
Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, IT guy.
Nick
Mind if I get in there for a second?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, sure thing, go ahead.
Nick
Just one... (Dwight pushes Nick's neck to the desk and pushes his arm up) Gah! Ah! Dwight, what the hell?
Dwight Schrute
Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell! What are you doing to my computer?
Oscar Martinez
The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot, Big Brother.
Dwight Schrute
You're with Big Brother? Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide.
Kevin Malone
Wait, are they searching all our computers?
Nick
Yeah. (Kevin runs to his desk) I already got to yours, Kevin. (Kevin runs back)
Kevin Malone
No, that's cool. Sometimes... sometimes I run. I'm a runner.

Scene 11

3 lines
Angela Martin
Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!
Michael Scott
Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers.
Phyllis Vance
Look, he's been complaining about this for a while, it's not crazy.

Scene 12

9 lines
Jo Bennett
Okay Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here... (hands Jo a piece of paper) You should fire the following people.
Jo Bennett
Well, I'm inclined to believe you.
Dwight Schrute
Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?
Jo Bennett
Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year. Good boy... you turning that money into more money?
Dwight Schrute
Are you referring to alchemy?
Jo Bennett
I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money, but if you ain't investing in property, then you're dumber than a dummy.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not dumb. I'm smart.
Jo Bennett
Well, buy property. That's my advice.

Scene 13

12 lines
Michael Scott
Is there something that you would like to say to me?
Andy Bernard
Uh...
Michael Scott
About talking to the press?
Andy Bernard
I, I didn't know. I didn't do that!
Michael Scott
Mmhmm.
Andy Bernard
Okay? I, I... didn't do it.
Michael Scott
I don't believe you.
Andy Bernard
I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.
Michael Scott
That's a little much. All right, all right, all right.
Andy Bernard
I don't care, that's how much I swear!
Michael Scott
Okay, I believe you, I believe you.
Andy Bernard
I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me.

Scene 14

7 lines
Michael Scott
Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar.
Michael Scott
Oh, no, no, no...
Darryl Philbin
I think she could... sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she... she's the copy editor at the Trib.
Michael Scott
Oh my god. Was she cute?
Darryl Philbin
No.
Michael Scott
Oh, god, Darryl!

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is.

Scene 16

10 lines
Jo Bennett
Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was.
Toby Flenderson
Well, that's...
Jo Bennett
And we didn't find anything on your computer.
Toby Flenderson
Good.
Jo Bennett
Except this. (hands stack of paper to Toby)
Toby Flenderson
Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a mystery novel that I've been working on.
Jo Bennett
I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid?
Toby Flenderson
Oh, uh, I don't know, uh...
Jo Bennett
The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.
Toby Flenderson
Oh... yes.

Scene 17

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Write your own damn novel.

Scene 18

12 lines
Pam Beesly
It was me.
Jim Halpert
What was you? You were the leak?
Pam Beesly
Okay. I'm talking to this woman at daycare...
Jim Halpert
Uh-huh.
Pam Beesly
She's telling me about all her amazing trip to Vietnam, I have nothing. I tell her our printers catch on fire, spontaneously!
Jim Halpert
Why'd you do that?
Pam Beesly
Her husband's a reporter.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
So now everyone hates Andy, and it's this whole mess, and I don't know what to do.
Jim Halpert
Okay, just relax. Just need to relax.
Pam Beesly
I could tell Jo... or I could tell Michael.
Jim Halpert
This is a very good idea. This is good. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out.

Scene 19

5 lines
Michael Scott
You leaked it?
Pam Beesly
I don't know what to do! Do I go tell Jo, or - I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person!
Michael Scott
I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh god... my mind is going a mile an hour.
Pam Beesly
That fast?
Michael Scott
Oh.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said.

Scene 21

3 lines
Pam Beesly
(Michael knocks on Pam's desk) Yeah? (Michael points at Pam, himself, and Meredith, mimes drinking, driving, then points to his watch and holds up five fingers) I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me.
Michael Scott
So see you in Meredith's van in five minutes.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, you didn't need to actually say it.

Scene 22

11 lines
Pam Beesly
(in Meredith's van) I have never seen so many parking tickets.
Darryl Philbin
All right, this is just messed up.
Michael Scott
No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think.
Darryl Philbin
All right.
Michael Scott
What do we got?
Pam Beesly
Um...
Kelly Kapoor
(opening door) Hey guys, sorry I'm late.
Pam Beesly
We're not going for yogurt.
Michael Scott
It's okay, she's cool, she also whistle-blew.
Kelly Kapoor
Guys, I couldn't help it, it is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue.
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.

Scene 23

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
Of course I'm the leak! I think I Tweeted it! I can't control what I say to people, I spend the whole day talking! I mean, I video chat, I Skype, I text, I Tweet, I phone, I Woof...

Scene 24

3 lines
Ryan Howard
Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. (types on his phone) I just sent myself a Woof. (fax machine makes noise, several windows pop up on computer behind Ryan with accompanying sounds, including barking)
Erin Hannon
(on phone) Ryan, you have a Woof on line 1.
Ryan Howard
Thank you, Erin. Woof!

Scene 25

11 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case.
Pam Beesly
Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers?
Michael Scott
No. Okay, not all the computers, just our computers.
Kelly Kapoor
That idea sucks.
Pam Beesly
I don't think that's a good idea.
Michael Scott
Just don't say no.
Darryl Philbin
Michael, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat.
Kelly Kapoor
Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl.
Michael Scott
That's just what we need, another black man in prison. You know, let's just...
Pam Beesly
Nobody's going to prison, okay? Um... all right, Michael, you need to convince Jo to go easy on us. And then we'll all confess once we know our jobs are safe.
Michael Scott
Okay. You can count on me.

Scene 26

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
(sees Toby banging on the vending machine) Let me give you a hand.
Toby Flenderson
I'm hungry.
Dwight Schrute
Ready? (they pull the vending machine towards them; Dwight's phone rings) Got it? Oh shoot. Got it? (walks away, opens phone) Dwight Schrute.
Realtor
(on phone) The property you're looking at is in great shape. By the way, it has a very spacious basement office.
Dwight Schrute
Basement office? You mean like a lair?

Scene 27

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Jo.
Jo Bennett
Michael.
Michael Scott
I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after they're back in the thick of it.
Jo Bennett
Michael Scott... what do you know?
Michael Scott
What?

Scene 28

7 lines
Michael Scott
It doesn't matter what I know.
Jo Bennett
If it doesn't matter, then tell me.
Michael Scott
Why?
Jo Bennett
Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it.
Michael Scott
Well, deal with this. (crosses arms)
Jo Bennett
Empathize with me for a moment. I came up here with a big problem, and now I got a branch manager who's giving me the silent treatment... Speak to me... speak. (Jo's dog barks) Come with me.
Michael Scott
What?

Scene 29

1 line
Gabe Lewis
(as Michael and Jo leave) Are you leaving? Oh, am I... should I continue with the investigation?

Scene 30

2 lines
Michael Scott
Are you going to kill me?
Jo Bennett
Hahahahahaha.

Scene 31

5 lines
Realtor
(on phone) I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Realtor
What time works for you? (Dwight looks across the street) Mr. Schrute, what time works?
Dwight Schrute
Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make 'em an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, low ball them. Don't call me 'til you have it.
Realtor
But... (Dwight closes phone)

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
(on Jo's jet) Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but... I have an early dinner that I need to get to... with the Chief of Police.

Scene 33

10 lines
Creed Bratton
I'm very relieved to learn it wasn't you.
Gabe Lewis
All right. Uh, Stan, you're up.
Stanley Hudson
It wasn't me.
Gabe Lewis
What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. And... you did it. (nods at Andy)
Andy Bernard
What? Based on what?
Gabe Lewis
Uh, just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you. Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now, and sit with it, see how it feels?
Dwight Schrute
All right. Sounds good.
Jim Halpert
Guys, I think that seems a little unfair. I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been... Jim.
Jim Halpert
Really?

Scene 34

12 lines
Jo Bennett
Michael.
Michael Scott
I have rights.
Jo Bennett
Let's just talk.
Michael Scott
I am not going to tell you anything.
Jo Bennett
Honey, you don't seem like your normal self.
Michael Scott
Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Jo Bennett
Mama Jo knew there was something up.
Michael Scott
Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down.
Jo Bennett
Oh, I hate that.
Michael Scott
And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? ... I miss Holly.
Jo Bennett
Who's Holly?
Michael Scott
Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.

Scene 35

2 lines
Kevin Malone
Well, I think that the real question is: Who is the whistleblower?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, just...

Scene 36

1 line
David Wallace
I may have heard from an old client, and I may have immediately started spreading the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah. But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about Suck It. Suck it.

Scene 37

19 lines
Andy Bernard
Gabe, I told you all about the printers.
Jim Halpert
I mean, it could be you, Gabe. I mean, that's the point.
Pam Beesly
Yes, it's totally obvious.
Creed Bratton
I think we all can agree that it's either Gabe or Angela. (flips a coin) It's Angela. Get her, boys.
Nick
Hey guys, uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm going to go down to Detroit and teach, uh, inner city kids about computers.
Gabe Lewis
Uh, not now.
Nick
Oh yeah, it's just that my friends are in the car waiting, so I thought I would...
Stanley Hudson
(quietly) Phyllis, what's this guy's name again?
Phyllis Vance
I don't know, is it Shadow or Garth, it's something weird, I...
Nick
My name is Nick.
Angela Martin
Okay, well, Nick, we're in a meeting.
Nick
Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy, and everybody hates me.
Jim Halpert
Hey, listen man, you can't take it personally.
Nick
You called me man? I just said my name just now, did you forget it already?
Jim Halpert
No... sport.
Nick
You, you guys have fifteen parties a week, you can't learn my name?
Dwight Schrute
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey IT guy. Here's the story, champ. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, okay? We liked the last guy, Siddiq, because he kept to himself, and we also thought he might have been a terrorist. You know what, I'm going to leave you with one other thought. Inner city kids use computers for two things, games and porn. So good luck wasting your life, lurch.
Nick
Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives, and guess what? (gestures to Ryan) You're not a photographer. (gestures to Kelly) And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! All right? And you. (points to Andy) This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it, check it out. (gives the finger)
Andy Bernard
You're going to believe that guy?

Scene 38

6 lines
Jo Bennett
When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me.
Michael Scott
Hmm, hmm.
Jo Bennett
I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.
Michael Scott
You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you.
Jo Bennett
Oh honey, surely you don't want that.
Michael Scott
I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. (Jo laughs) You were playing too.

Scene 39

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'm about to buy this building, you know.
Hank Tate
You don't say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston.
Dwight Schrute
Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you... enjoy that chair for now... 'cause pretty soon, you will be on your feet, at Buckingham Palace.

Scene 40

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey Phyllis, have you seen my bag?
Phyllis Vance
(points to the ceiling) You deserve it.

Scene 41

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down, and children to die. Does that make me a hero? I...
Kevin Malone
(offscreen) No, it does not!
Andy Bernard
Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either.
Angela Martin
It does!

Scene 42

5 lines
Erin Hannon
Andy?
Andy Bernard
Hey.
Erin Hannon
I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press.
Andy Bernard
Uh, thanks. Yeah, you know, just seemed like the right thing to do.
Erin Hannon
Yeah.

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
(to press) We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions?

Scene 44

7 lines
Jo Bennett
Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there.
Michael Scott
That was fun.
Jo Bennett
I hope your rough patch ends soon.
Michael Scott
Thanks. Today helped.
Jo Bennett
Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life.
Michael Scott
Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua.
Jo Bennett
Let me see what I can do.