Every line from The Office episode "Whistleblower", season 6 episode 24.
Michael Scott: (on Youtube video) There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. (phone rings, Michael picks it up) Michael Scott, as seen on TV.
Todd Packer: (high-pitched voice) I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... (normal voice) It's Packer!
Michael Scott: OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl!
Michael Scott: Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site.
Oscar Martinez: What's number one?
Michael Scott: Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times.
Jim Halpert: So instead of working, you want...
Michael Scott: Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it!
Angela Martin: Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? It's on the same site!
Phyllis Vance: Awww, it's kissing its mommy!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever.
Jo Bennett: Howdy. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Michael Scott: Jo! We were not expecting you!
Jo Bennett: 'Course you all, no doubt, know why I'm here.
Jo Bennett: Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go.
Kevin Malone: Jo, I think that I know what happened.
Jo Bennett: I'm not sure you do, teddy bear.
Kevin Malone: Well, now I think I might not.
Jo Bennett: Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please.
Michael Scott: Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office.
Michael Scott: Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.
Phyllis Vance: (quietly, to Andy) Put your hand up, Norma Rae.
Andy Bernard: If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.
Jo Bennett: (as Gabe hands out forms to everyone) It's a little form, says "I did not do it."
Michael Scott: There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like...
Jo Bennett: All that's just birthday information, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture.
Jo Bennett: Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what'cha say?
Jo Bennett: So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him?
Michael Scott: We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda.
Jo Bennett: Uh, that's, uh, Guantanamo Bay.
Michael Scott: Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can.
Jo Bennett: Well, I guess we're all right, Michael.
Michael Scott: I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, IT guy.
Nick: Mind if I get in there for a second?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, sure thing, go ahead.
Nick: Just one... (Dwight pushes Nick's neck to the desk and pushes his arm up) Gah! Ah! Dwight, what the hell?
Dwight Schrute: Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell! What are you doing to my computer?
Oscar Martinez: The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot, Big Brother.
Dwight Schrute: You're with Big Brother? Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide.
Kevin Malone: Wait, are they searching all our computers?
Nick: Yeah. (Kevin runs to his desk) I already got to yours, Kevin. (Kevin runs back)
Kevin Malone: No, that's cool. Sometimes... sometimes I run. I'm a runner.
Angela Martin: Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!
Michael Scott: Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers.
Phyllis Vance: Look, he's been complaining about this for a while, it's not crazy.
Dwight Schrute: Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here... (hands Jo a piece of paper) You should fire the following people.
Jo Bennett: Well, I'm inclined to believe you.
Dwight Schrute: Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams?
Jo Bennett: Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year. Good boy... you turning that money into more money?
Dwight Schrute: Are you referring to alchemy?
Jo Bennett: I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money, but if you ain't investing in property, then you're dumber than a dummy.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not dumb. I'm smart.
Jo Bennett: Well, buy property. That's my advice.
Michael Scott: Is there something that you would like to say to me?
Michael Scott: About talking to the press?
Andy Bernard: I, I didn't know. I didn't do that!
Andy Bernard: Okay? I, I... didn't do it.
Michael Scott: I don't believe you.
Andy Bernard: I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.
Michael Scott: That's a little much. All right, all right, all right.
Andy Bernard: I don't care, that's how much I swear!
Michael Scott: Okay, I believe you, I believe you.
Andy Bernard: I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me.
Michael Scott: Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no...
Darryl Philbin: I think she could... sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she... she's the copy editor at the Trib.
Michael Scott: Oh my god. Was she cute?
Michael Scott: Oh, god, Darryl!
Jo Bennett: Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was.
Toby Flenderson: Well, that's...
Jo Bennett: And we didn't find anything on your computer.
Jo Bennett: Except this. (hands stack of paper to Toby)
Toby Flenderson: Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a mystery novel that I've been working on.
Jo Bennett: I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, uh, I don't know, uh...
Jo Bennett: The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.
Toby Flenderson: Oh... yes.
Jim Halpert: What was you? You were the leak?
Pam Beesly: Okay. I'm talking to this woman at daycare...
Pam Beesly: She's telling me about all her amazing trip to Vietnam, I have nothing. I tell her our printers catch on fire, spontaneously!
Jim Halpert: Why'd you do that?
Pam Beesly: Her husband's a reporter.
Pam Beesly: So now everyone hates Andy, and it's this whole mess, and I don't know what to do.
Jim Halpert: Okay, just relax. Just need to relax.
Pam Beesly: I could tell Jo... or I could tell Michael.
Jim Halpert: This is a very good idea. This is good. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out.
Pam Beesly: (Michael knocks on Pam's desk) Yeah? (Michael points at Pam, himself, and Meredith, mimes drinking, driving, then points to his watch and holds up five fingers) I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me.
Michael Scott: So see you in Meredith's van in five minutes.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, you didn't need to actually say it.
Pam Beesly: (in Meredith's van) I have never seen so many parking tickets.
Darryl Philbin: All right, this is just messed up.
Michael Scott: No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think.
Darryl Philbin: All right.
Michael Scott: What do we got?
Kelly Kapoor: (opening door) Hey guys, sorry I'm late.
Pam Beesly: We're not going for yogurt.
Michael Scott: It's okay, she's cool, she also whistle-blew.
Kelly Kapoor: Guys, I couldn't help it, it is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.
Ryan Howard: Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. (types on his phone) I just sent myself a Woof. (fax machine makes noise, several windows pop up on computer behind Ryan with accompanying sounds, including barking)
Erin Hannon: (on phone) Ryan, you have a Woof on line 1.
Ryan Howard: Thank you, Erin. Woof!
Michael Scott: Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case.
Pam Beesly: Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers?
Michael Scott: No. Okay, not all the computers, just our computers.
Kelly Kapoor: That idea sucks.
Pam Beesly: I don't think that's a good idea.
Michael Scott: Just don't say no.
Darryl Philbin: Michael, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat.
Kelly Kapoor: Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl.
Michael Scott: That's just what we need, another black man in prison. You know, let's just...
Pam Beesly: Nobody's going to prison, okay? Um... all right, Michael, you need to convince Jo to go easy on us. And then we'll all confess once we know our jobs are safe.
Michael Scott: Okay. You can count on me.
Dwight Schrute: (sees Toby banging on the vending machine) Let me give you a hand.
Toby Flenderson: I'm hungry.
Dwight Schrute: Ready? (they pull the vending machine towards them; Dwight's phone rings) Got it? Oh shoot. Got it? (walks away, opens phone) Dwight Schrute.
Realtor: (on phone) The property you're looking at is in great shape. By the way, it has a very spacious basement office.
Dwight Schrute: Basement office? You mean like a lair?
Michael Scott: I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after they're back in the thick of it.
Jo Bennett: Michael Scott... what do you know?
Michael Scott: It doesn't matter what I know.
Jo Bennett: If it doesn't matter, then tell me.
Jo Bennett: Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it.
Michael Scott: Well, deal with this. (crosses arms)
Jo Bennett: Empathize with me for a moment. I came up here with a big problem, and now I got a branch manager who's giving me the silent treatment... Speak to me... speak. (Jo's dog barks) Come with me.
Realtor: (on phone) I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms.
Realtor: What time works for you? (Dwight looks across the street) Mr. Schrute, what time works?
Dwight Schrute: Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make 'em an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, low ball them. Don't call me 'til you have it.
Realtor: But... (Dwight closes phone)
Creed Bratton: I'm very relieved to learn it wasn't you.
Gabe Lewis: All right. Uh, Stan, you're up.
Stanley Hudson: It wasn't me.
Gabe Lewis: What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. And... you did it. (nods at Andy)
Andy Bernard: What? Based on what?
Gabe Lewis: Uh, just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you. Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now, and sit with it, see how it feels?
Dwight Schrute: All right. Sounds good.
Jim Halpert: Guys, I think that seems a little unfair. I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been... Jim.
Michael Scott: I have rights.
Jo Bennett: Let's just talk.
Michael Scott: I am not going to tell you anything.
Jo Bennett: Honey, you don't seem like your normal self.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Jo Bennett: Mama Jo knew there was something up.
Michael Scott: Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down.
Jo Bennett: Oh, I hate that.
Michael Scott: And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? ... I miss Holly.
Michael Scott: Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down.
Andy Bernard: Gabe, I told you all about the printers.
Jim Halpert: I mean, it could be you, Gabe. I mean, that's the point.
Pam Beesly: Yes, it's totally obvious.
Creed Bratton: I think we all can agree that it's either Gabe or Angela. (flips a coin) It's Angela. Get her, boys.
Nick: Hey guys, uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm going to go down to Detroit and teach, uh, inner city kids about computers.
Nick: Oh yeah, it's just that my friends are in the car waiting, so I thought I would...
Stanley Hudson: (quietly) Phyllis, what's this guy's name again?
Phyllis Vance: I don't know, is it Shadow or Garth, it's something weird, I...
Angela Martin: Okay, well, Nick, we're in a meeting.
Nick: Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy, and everybody hates me.
Jim Halpert: Hey, listen man, you can't take it personally.
Nick: You called me man? I just said my name just now, did you forget it already?
Jim Halpert: No... sport.
Nick: You, you guys have fifteen parties a week, you can't learn my name?
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey IT guy. Here's the story, champ. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, okay? We liked the last guy, Siddiq, because he kept to himself, and we also thought he might have been a terrorist. You know what, I'm going to leave you with one other thought. Inner city kids use computers for two things, games and porn. So good luck wasting your life, lurch.
Nick: Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives, and guess what? (gestures to Ryan) You're not a photographer. (gestures to Kelly) And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! All right? And you. (points to Andy) This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it, check it out. (gives the finger)
Andy Bernard: You're going to believe that guy?
Jo Bennett: When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me.
Jo Bennett: I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.
Michael Scott: You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you.
Jo Bennett: Oh honey, surely you don't want that.
Michael Scott: I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. (Jo laughs) You were playing too.
Dwight Schrute: I'm about to buy this building, you know.
Hank Tate: You don't say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you... enjoy that chair for now... 'cause pretty soon, you will be on your feet, at Buckingham Palace.
Andy Bernard: Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down, and children to die. Does that make me a hero? I...
Kevin Malone: (offscreen) No, it does not!
Andy Bernard: Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either.
Jo Bennett: Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there.
Michael Scott: That was fun.
Jo Bennett: I hope your rough patch ends soon.
Michael Scott: Thanks. Today helped.
Jo Bennett: Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life.
Michael Scott: Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua.
Jo Bennett: Let me see what I can do.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 24 season 6. Whistleblower is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.