Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Promotion

Vol. 6 · Issue 3Scranton, PA

Jim and Michael try to navigate their first big hurdle as co-managers by deciding who gets a raise, which goes about as well as you’d expect. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from the awkward bean-sorting debacle to Dwight’s failed attempt at a workspace revolution. It’s the best way to catch the exact phrasing of Michael's 'big picture' logic or Jim's realization that being the boss actually sucks.

Scene 01

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
(in Michael's office) Could you please sign my expense report?
Michael Scott
No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture, epic.

Scene 02

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
(in Jim's office) Sign this.
Jim Halpert
Ah, ah, ah. Where's the "please"? We're not animals.
Dwight Schrute
Sign it.
Jim Halpert
No, not without a "please."
Dwight Schrute
Idiot.

Scene 03

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
(in Michael's office) I have a complaint about Jim.
Michael Scott
That is not big picture.
Dwight Schrute
I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.
Michael Scott
... Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Jim won't sign my expense report.
Michael Scott
That is not-- okay-- that is day-to-day.
Dwight Schrute
No, that is huge.
Michael Scott
You're trying to trick me.
Dwight Schrute
This has to do--
Michael Scott
Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

Scene 04

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
(in Jim's office) I'd like to lodge a complaint.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about?
Dwight Schrute
You!
Jim Halpert
Okay. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously. So... When did this happen?
Dwight Schrute
One minute ago.
Jim Halpert
Okay. And how do you feel?
Dwight Schrute
Angry.
Jim Halpert
All right. Did he hit you?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Jim Halpert
Did you cry?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Jim Halpert
Did you feel like crying?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Jim Halpert
I'm just gonna write "held back tears."
Dwight Schrute
Wait, stop writing that. That is not true.
Jim Halpert
If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not cr-- uhh!

Scene 05

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
I deserved that promotion, not Jim. Oh, man. Makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing. And then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock! And he's gasping, he's panting! Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! (claps hands and stands up) Aha! $18,000 and a chance at the title! Ooh hah!
Erin Hannon
(at the door) Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.

Scene 06

6 lines
Michael Scott
Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up, because I'd like everyone to meet in the conference room in five minutes. And I suggest that you bring a snack, because we may be in there for a while.
Jim Halpert
Michael...
Michael Scott
Yes?
Jim Halpert
Can I talk to you in my office for a second?
Michael Scott
Mmm, sure, but could I first talk to you in my office?
Stanley Hudson
Can I also be a boss?

Scene 07

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Scene 08

26 lines
Jim Halpert
I have noticed that we--
Michael Scott
Welcome.
Jim Halpert
Thank you. I've noticed we've been having a lot of conference room meetings.
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
And I'm wondEring if perhaps those are a bit, um--
Michael Scott
Disruptive.
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Michael Scott
No, I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important.
Jim Halpert
Okay, maybe we should talk specifics.
Michael Scott
Let's do.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.
Michael Scott
N-- well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the-- ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
Jim Halpert
I am.
Michael Scott
Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets...
Jim Halpert
Right.
Michael Scott
At first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are.
Jim Halpert
Yes, I agree.
Michael Scott
Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust.
Jim Halpert
I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day.
Michael Scott
You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim Halpert
You mean on a weekend?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jim Halpert
How about this? I think our goal should be we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential.
Michael Scott
Alright. No more meetings this week.
Jim Halpert
Really? You just agreed to that?
Michael Scott
I can be very suprising.

Scene 09

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
What's going on?
Pam Beesly
I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant.
Ryan Howard
You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.
Phyllis Vance
Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts?
Pam Beesly
We did, but mostly because people expect us to. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry... However much.

Scene 10

1 line
Pam Beesly
It's awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn't Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?

Scene 11

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
Perfect. I hate registries.
Pam Beesly
Oh, good.
Phyllis Vance
My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be suprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?
Pam Beesly
No, we're not.
Phyllis Vance
Good. Good.

Scene 12

21 lines
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm?
Jim Halpert
(walks in, see's Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting in Michaels office) Okay, I thought I saw people missing.
Michael Scott
Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each.
Jim Halpert
Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?
Michael Scott
Stanley, you don't need to answer that.
Jim Halpert
Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
"If you don't smell this, you're fired."
Jim Halpert
Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people's time with meetings like these.
Michael Scott
What do you mean by "these people"?
Jim Halpert
Michael, this is a conference room meeting.
Michael Scott
Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room.
Jim Halpert
That's not what I meant.
Michael Scott
Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want.
Jim Halpert
I disagree.
Michael Scott
What do you guys think? (all start talking at the same time)
Jim Halpert
Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael?
Michael Scott
No, no, no, you don't need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people.
Jim Halpert
That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager.
Michael Scott
That is not what Wallace told us.
Jim Halpert
That's exactly what Wallace told us.
Michael Scott
That is not the way I heard it.

Scene 13

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
I love rivalries-- Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answEring your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.

Scene 14

27 lines
Michael Scott
It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around.
Jim Halpert
I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. (Michael pulls out his cell phone) I will call David Wallace.
Erin Hannon
David Wallace is on line two for you guys.
Michael Scott
Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just--
Jim Halpert
Hey, David. You got Jim here.
Michael Scott
Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager.
David Wallace
Hey guys, um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it.
Michael Scott
Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision.
Jim Halpert
Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.
David Wallace
It's probably a little of both.
Michael Scott
Which is it more of?
David Wallace
Excuse me?
Jim Halpert
David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.
David Wallace
Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you-- are you texting me?
Michael Scott
I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.
David Wallace
Look, I need you both to take care of this. This is not going to be a problem, is it?
Jim Halpert
Nope, not at all.
Michael Scott
No, it will not be. I am on top of it.
David Wallace
Very good.
Jim Halpert
Alright, thanks alot, David.
Michael Scott
Talk to you later-- (Jim hangs up) Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. (sighs, and claps hands once) Alright, I am looking forward to this.
Jim Halpert
You don't have to lie.
Michael Scott
I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Michael Scott
All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Let's get started.

Scene 15

2 lines
Creed Bratton
Hey, why haven't we ever, um...
Meredith Palmer
We have.

Scene 16

17 lines
Michael Scott
You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.
Jim Halpert
Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?
Michael Scott
No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.
Michael Scott
Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?
Jim Halpert
It's hard to tell so far.
Michael Scott
You use your brain too much.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?
Michael Scott
Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.
Jim Halpert
You just came up with that.
Michael Scott
As I was saying it.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro-- everyone gets a little bit.
Michael Scott
(in nerdy voice) Con-- you look like a nerd.
Jim Halpert
Con-- no one gets as much as they did last year.
Michael Scott
Pro-- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.
Jim Halpert
Pro-- no favoritism.
Michael Scott
Con-- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart-- (pulls out a pie chart) How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

Scene 18

9 lines
Kevin Malone
Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.
Pam Beesly
I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.
Kevin Malone
Like money? Like you-- you want my money?
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Kevin Malone
Will you take a check?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Kevin Malone
Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, "To love's eternal glory."
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Kevin Malone
Wait til' Monday.

Scene 19

1 line
Pam Beesly
Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. (looks down at the check) oh look! "Mrs. Pam Halpert!" That's the first time I've seen it in writing!

Scene 20

63 lines
Jim Halpert
You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.
Michael Scott
That will not go over well.
Jim Halpert
I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...
Michael Scott
Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself.
Jim Halpert
I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.
Michael Scott
No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.
Jim Halpert
Michael.
Michael Scott
And then another--
Jim Halpert
Look, you have a lot of strengths.
Michael Scott
Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are.
Jim Halpert
I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.
Michael Scott
Ha! That-- I am not known for that!
Jim Halpert
But there is a reason why I'm here!
Michael Scott
Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!
Jim Halpert
No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!
Michael Scott
Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?
Jim Halpert
I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!
Michael Scott
Ah.
Jim Halpert
At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision.
Michael Scott
Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!
Jim Halpert
But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.
Michael Scott
Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? (laughs) You call it.
Jim Halpert
(leave the conference room to address everyone)
Michael Scott
(to the camera) This had better be terrible.
Jim Halpert
Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.
Meredith Palmer
Wait. Seriously?!
Jim Halpert
Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.
Oscar Martinez
Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.
Angela Martin
But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?
Oscar Martinez
Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.
Jim Halpert
Ooh, easy. That's not it at all.
Oscar Martinez
Well?
Jim Halpert
Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office.
Kelly Kapoor
(walks in from shopping, with bags in her hands) What's going on?
Kevin Malone
Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.
Kelly Kapoor
What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?!
Oscar Martinez
Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?
Kelly Kapoor
No! (put's down her bags) How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!
Dwight Schrute
This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!
Jim Halpert
Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so--
Dwight Schrute
What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?!
Oscar Martinez
Exactly!
Kevin Malone
Totally!
Oscar Martinez
We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises.
Creed Bratton
Yes.
Angela Martin
Yes. They don't get 'em, if we don't get 'em!
Meredith Palmer
My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?!
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Her kid needs shoes, Jim!
Meredith Palmer
What the hell?! (everyone complaining at Jim)
Jim Halpert
Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so... (imitates a tape rewinding and chuckles, Michael comes over by Jim laughing)
Michael Scott
That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you (someone growns in disgust), and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This--
Angela Martin
What are you talking about Michael?
Stanley Hudson
We just need to hear your plan for our raise.
Michael Scott
My plan-- a man-- panama.
Andy Bernard
That's not how that goes.
Meredith Palmer
You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...
Jim Halpert
Thank you, Meredith.
Meredith Palmer
...when he was telling us his dumbass plan.
Oscar Martinez
We would just like to know what's happening. Are we getting a raise, yes or no?
Michael Scott
Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise? (all say yes) Alright, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do.
Oscar Martinez
Again, that gives us no information.
Phyllis Vance
This isn't a game, you know? It's our livelihood!

Scene 21

6 lines
Michael Scott
What about a raise based on merit?
Jim Halpert
Rank each person individually?
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best.
Jim Halpert
(sarcastically) Well, obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started. (starts to write on a piece of paper)
Michael Scott
Are you making a--
Jim Halpert
Nope. I'm numbering the paper.

Scene 22

8 lines
Oscar Martinez
(everyone talking to the camera) Just--
Kevin Malone
Yeah, I don't understand how they can even consider giving money to some people and not the rest of us.
Angela Martin
It's not like we're not gonna see the checks. We're in accounting!
Meredith Palmer
I am so pissed at this company!
Dwight Schrute
(out the side of his mouth) And Jim!
Meredith Palmer
Yeah. Who said that?
Dwight Schrute
I think it was Creed.
Creed Bratton
Yep.

Scene 23

12 lines
Jim Halpert
(to camera) It's going really well, actually.
Jim Halpert
(to camera, holds up a bean) Each Boston Baked Bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture (walking around the table) of who you think deserv-- who's that? (picture that Michael drew of toby, looks like a monster)
Michael Scott
Toby.
Jim Halpert
He's not a part of this. You know that.
Michael Scott
Just wanted to draw a picture of him.
Jim Halpert
Okay, your move.
Michael Scott
Alright! Who to pick? (walking around the table) Who to pick?
Jim Halpert
Here we go.
Michael Scott
I... will skip a turn.
Jim Halpert
Okay, you're gonna still have to play that bean. You know that.
Michael Scott
I need more time.
Erin Hannon
Wallace sent an e-mail about a meeting next week. He wants you both to respond. (Michael and Jim leave, Dwight sneaks in)

Scene 24

1 line
Dwight Schrute
People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years, because Stanley Washington was napping, and Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

Scene 25

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
Come on in. (everyone looking around at all the pictures and beans on the table) That's right. Come in, feast your eyes. They determine our worth by putting beans upon our faces.
Oscar Martinez
What the hell?!
Dwight Schrute
Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.
Michael Scott
Hey, what are you guys doing in here?
Kevin Malone
What does a bean mean?
Pam Beesly
Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?
Kevin Malone
Michael, what does a bean mean?
Pam Beesly
Jim?
Jim Halpert
I was just trying to be unbiased.
Kevin Malone
What does a bean mean?!
Oscar Martinez
Someone please explain it to Kevin.
Meredith Palmer
Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours.
Phyllis Vance
Not according to the beans.
Angela Martin
This is how you make this important decision?
Andy Bernard
There's no way that Stanley gets more beans than me. (starts to take Stanley's beans, Stanley swats Andy's hand with his crossword puzzle) That is ridiculous. This is how it works. (everyone continues to argue)

Scene 26

30 lines
Phyllis Vance
It's not so much that I might not get a raise. It's just demeaning!
Andy Bernard
Thank you! That is exactly-- by the way, I would also like a raise.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, I would, too.
Dwight Schrute
Are we idiots? (gets up, starts walking around) What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist, and these are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick-- let's get him. Tock-- let's get Jim! Tick-- and drag Jim out of his office! Tock-- take his keys away from him! Tick-- that's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?!
Phyllis Vance
I say no.
Dwight Schrute
No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? (all groan) Okay.
Michael Scott
(leaving his office, hurrying to Jim's office)
Kevin Malone
What does a bean mean?
Michael Scott
(in Jim's office) How you doing?
Jim Halpert
Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a four.
Michael Scott
Oh, what are you usually?
Jim Halpert
Six. You?
Michael Scott
Usually a ten, but I'm feeling like a zero.
Jim Halpert
I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?
Michael Scott
I know, I know.
Jim Halpert
We tried to find the fairest way to do it.
Michael Scott
Yes, we did.
Jim Halpert
I just-- what?
Michael Scott
Um, nothing. I just... I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. I have something I would like to give you. (leaves office)
Phyllis Vance
Michael!
Kevin Malone
Michael!
Phyllis Vance
Come on! This isn't fair!
Jim Halpert
(to camera) Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?
Phyllis Vance
(at Michael return to Jim's office) Michael, you cannot just keep avoiding us like this!
Jim Halpert
(Michael give Jim a "World's Best Boss" mug) Thank you.
Michael Scott
You're welcome.
Jim Halpert
What's in here?
Michael Scott
Gin. (toast, sip)
Jim Halpert
Ooh!
Michael Scott
(someone knocks) Just pretend we're not here.

Scene 27

8 lines
Ryan Howard
Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you.
Ryan Howard
Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now, or $5,000 a year from now?
Pam Beesly
$100 now for sure.
Ryan Howard
Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in a hundred of my own money as the gift...
Pam Beesly
Yeah. No, no, I'll um-- the hundred. I'll just take the hundred.
Ryan Howard
Instead of $5,000 a year from now?
Pam Beesly
How sure is this?

Scene 28

1 line
Pam Beesly
The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.

Scene 29

1 line
Pam Beesly
(writes a check, gives to Ryan) Don't tell Jim.