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Season 6 Episode 3
The Promotion

Every line from The Office episode "The Promotion", season 6 episode 3.

Dwight Schrute: (in Michael's office) Could you please sign my expense report?
Michael Scott: No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture, epic.
Dwight Schrute: (in Jim's office) Sign this.
Jim Halpert: Ah, ah, ah. Where's the "please"? We're not animals.
Dwight Schrute: Sign it.
Jim Halpert: No, not without a "please."
Dwight Schrute: Idiot.
Dwight Schrute: (in Michael's office) I have a complaint about Jim.
Michael Scott: That is not big picture.
Dwight Schrute: I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.
Michael Scott: ... Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Jim won't sign my expense report.
Michael Scott: That is not-- okay-- that is day-to-day.
Dwight Schrute: No, that is huge.
Michael Scott: You're trying to trick me.
Dwight Schrute: This has to do--
Michael Scott: Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.
Dwight Schrute: (in Jim's office) I'd like to lodge a complaint.
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about?
Dwight Schrute: You!
Jim Halpert: Okay. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously. So... When did this happen?
Dwight Schrute: One minute ago.
Jim Halpert: Okay. And how do you feel?
Dwight Schrute: Angry.
Jim Halpert: All right. Did he hit you?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Did you cry?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: Did you feel like crying?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Jim Halpert: I'm just gonna write "held back tears."
Dwight Schrute: Wait, stop writing that. That is not true.
Jim Halpert: If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not cr-- uhh!
Dwight Schrute: I deserved that promotion, not Jim. Oh, man. Makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing. And then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock! And he's gasping, he's panting! Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! (claps hands and stands up) Aha! $18,000 and a chance at the title! Ooh hah!
Erin Hannon: (at the door) Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.
Michael Scott: Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up, because I'd like everyone to meet in the conference room in five minutes. And I suggest that you bring a snack, because we may be in there for a while.
Jim Halpert: Michael...
Michael Scott: Yes?
Jim Halpert: Can I talk to you in my office for a second?
Michael Scott: Mmm, sure, but could I first talk to you in my office?
Stanley Hudson: Can I also be a boss?
Oscar Martinez: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?
Jim Halpert: I have noticed that we--
Michael Scott: Welcome.
Jim Halpert: Thank you. I've noticed we've been having a lot of conference room meetings.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert: And I'm wondEring if perhaps those are a bit, um--
Michael Scott: Disruptive.
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Michael Scott: No, I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important.
Jim Halpert: Okay, maybe we should talk specifics.
Michael Scott: Let's do.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.
Michael Scott: N-- well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the-- ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
Jim Halpert: I am.
Michael Scott: Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets...
Jim Halpert: Right.
Michael Scott: At first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are.
Jim Halpert: Yes, I agree.
Michael Scott: Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust.
Jim Halpert: I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day.
Michael Scott: You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim Halpert: You mean on a weekend?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim Halpert: How about this? I think our goal should be we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential.
Michael Scott: Alright. No more meetings this week.
Jim Halpert: Really? You just agreed to that?
Michael Scott: I can be very suprising.
Phyllis Vance: What's going on?
Pam Beesly: I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant.
Ryan Howard: You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts?
Pam Beesly: We did, but mostly because people expect us to. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry... However much.
Pam Beesly: It's awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn't Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?
Phyllis Vance: Perfect. I hate registries.
Pam Beesly: Oh, good.
Phyllis Vance: My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be suprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?
Pam Beesly: No, we're not.
Phyllis Vance: Good. Good.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm?
Jim Halpert: (walks in, see's Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting in Michaels office) Okay, I thought I saw people missing.
Michael Scott: Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each.
Jim Halpert: Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?
Michael Scott: Stanley, you don't need to answer that.
Jim Halpert: Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: "If you don't smell this, you're fired."
Jim Halpert: Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people's time with meetings like these.
Michael Scott: What do you mean by "these people"?
Jim Halpert: Michael, this is a conference room meeting.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room.
Jim Halpert: That's not what I meant.
Michael Scott: Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want.
Jim Halpert: I disagree.
Michael Scott: What do you guys think? (all start talking at the same time)
Jim Halpert: Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, you don't need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people.
Jim Halpert: That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager.
Michael Scott: That is not what Wallace told us.
Jim Halpert: That's exactly what Wallace told us.
Michael Scott: That is not the way I heard it.
Kelly Kapoor: I love rivalries-- Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answEring your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.
Michael Scott: It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around.
Jim Halpert: I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. (Michael pulls out his cell phone) I will call David Wallace.
Erin Hannon: David Wallace is on line two for you guys.
Michael Scott: Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just--
Jim Halpert: Hey, David. You got Jim here.
Michael Scott: Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager.
David Wallace: Hey guys, um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it.
Michael Scott: Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision.
Jim Halpert: Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.
David Wallace: It's probably a little of both.
Michael Scott: Which is it more of?
David Wallace: Excuse me?
Jim Halpert: David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.
David Wallace: Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you-- are you texting me?
Michael Scott: I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.
David Wallace: Look, I need you both to take care of this. This is not going to be a problem, is it?
Jim Halpert: Nope, not at all.
Michael Scott: No, it will not be. I am on top of it.
David Wallace: Very good.
Jim Halpert: Alright, thanks alot, David.
Michael Scott: Talk to you later-- (Jim hangs up) Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. (sighs, and claps hands once) Alright, I am looking forward to this.
Jim Halpert: You don't have to lie.
Michael Scott: I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.
Jim Halpert: Right.
Michael Scott: All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.
Jim Halpert: Alright. Let's get started.
Creed Bratton: Hey, why haven't we ever, um...
Meredith Palmer: We have.
Michael Scott: You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.
Jim Halpert: Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?
Michael Scott: No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.
Michael Scott: Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?
Jim Halpert: It's hard to tell so far.
Michael Scott: You use your brain too much.
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?
Michael Scott: Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.
Jim Halpert: You just came up with that.
Michael Scott: As I was saying it.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro-- everyone gets a little bit.
Michael Scott: (in nerdy voice) Con-- you look like a nerd.
Jim Halpert: Con-- no one gets as much as they did last year.
Michael Scott: Pro-- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.
Jim Halpert: Pro-- no favoritism.
Michael Scott: Con-- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.
Jim Halpert: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart-- (pulls out a pie chart) How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.
Kevin Malone: Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.
Pam Beesly: I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.
Kevin Malone: Like money? Like you-- you want my money?
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Kevin Malone: Will you take a check?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Kevin Malone: Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, "To love's eternal glory."
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Kevin Malone: Wait til' Monday.
Pam Beesly: Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. (looks down at the check) oh look! "Mrs. Pam Halpert!" That's the first time I've seen it in writing!
Jim Halpert: You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.
Michael Scott: That will not go over well.
Jim Halpert: I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself.
Jim Halpert: I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.
Michael Scott: No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.
Jim Halpert: Michael.
Michael Scott: And then another--
Jim Halpert: Look, you have a lot of strengths.
Michael Scott: Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are.
Jim Halpert: I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.
Michael Scott: Ha! That-- I am not known for that!
Jim Halpert: But there is a reason why I'm here!
Michael Scott: Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!
Jim Halpert: No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?
Jim Halpert: I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!
Michael Scott: Ah.
Jim Halpert: At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision.
Michael Scott: Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!
Jim Halpert: But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.
Michael Scott: Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? (laughs) You call it.
Jim Halpert: (leave the conference room to address everyone)
Michael Scott: (to the camera) This had better be terrible.
Jim Halpert: Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.
Meredith Palmer: Wait. Seriously?!
Jim Halpert: Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.
Oscar Martinez: Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.
Angela Martin: But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?
Oscar Martinez: Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.
Jim Halpert: Ooh, easy. That's not it at all.
Oscar Martinez: Well?
Jim Halpert: Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office.
Kelly Kapoor: (walks in from shopping, with bags in her hands) What's going on?
Kevin Malone: Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.
Kelly Kapoor: What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?!
Oscar Martinez: Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?
Kelly Kapoor: No! (put's down her bags) How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!
Dwight Schrute: This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!
Jim Halpert: Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so--
Dwight Schrute: What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?!
Oscar Martinez: Exactly!
Kevin Malone: Totally!
Oscar Martinez: We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises.
Creed Bratton: Yes.
Angela Martin: Yes. They don't get 'em, if we don't get 'em!
Meredith Palmer: My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?!
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Her kid needs shoes, Jim!
Meredith Palmer: What the hell?! (everyone complaining at Jim)
Jim Halpert: Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so... (imitates a tape rewinding and chuckles, Michael comes over by Jim laughing)
Michael Scott: That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you (someone growns in disgust), and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This--
Angela Martin: What are you talking about Michael?
Stanley Hudson: We just need to hear your plan for our raise.
Michael Scott: My plan-- a man-- panama.
Andy Bernard: That's not how that goes.
Meredith Palmer: You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct...
Jim Halpert: Thank you, Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: ...when he was telling us his dumbass plan.
Oscar Martinez: We would just like to know what's happening. Are we getting a raise, yes or no?
Michael Scott: Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise? (all say yes) Alright, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do.
Oscar Martinez: Again, that gives us no information.
Phyllis Vance: This isn't a game, you know? It's our livelihood!
Michael Scott: What about a raise based on merit?
Jim Halpert: Rank each person individually?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best.
Jim Halpert: (sarcastically) Well, obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started. (starts to write on a piece of paper)
Michael Scott: Are you making a--
Jim Halpert: Nope. I'm numbering the paper.
Oscar Martinez: (everyone talking to the camera) Just--
Kevin Malone: Yeah, I don't understand how they can even consider giving money to some people and not the rest of us.
Angela Martin: It's not like we're not gonna see the checks. We're in accounting!
Meredith Palmer: I am so pissed at this company!
Dwight Schrute: (out the side of his mouth) And Jim!
Meredith Palmer: Yeah. Who said that?
Dwight Schrute: I think it was Creed.
Creed Bratton: Yep.
Jim Halpert: (to camera) It's going really well, actually.
Jim Halpert: (to camera, holds up a bean) Each Boston Baked Bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture (walking around the table) of who you think deserv-- who's that? (picture that Michael drew of toby, looks like a monster)
Michael Scott: Toby.
Jim Halpert: He's not a part of this. You know that.
Michael Scott: Just wanted to draw a picture of him.
Jim Halpert: Okay, your move.
Michael Scott: Alright! Who to pick? (walking around the table) Who to pick?
Jim Halpert: Here we go.
Michael Scott: I... will skip a turn.
Jim Halpert: Okay, you're gonna still have to play that bean. You know that.
Michael Scott: I need more time.
Erin Hannon: Wallace sent an e-mail about a meeting next week. He wants you both to respond. (Michael and Jim leave, Dwight sneaks in)
Dwight Schrute: People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years, because Stanley Washington was napping, and Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.
Dwight Schrute: Come on in. (everyone looking around at all the pictures and beans on the table) That's right. Come in, feast your eyes. They determine our worth by putting beans upon our faces.
Oscar Martinez: What the hell?!
Dwight Schrute: Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager.
Michael Scott: Hey, what are you guys doing in here?
Kevin Malone: What does a bean mean?
Pam Beesly: Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?
Kevin Malone: Michael, what does a bean mean?
Pam Beesly: Jim?
Jim Halpert: I was just trying to be unbiased.
Kevin Malone: What does a bean mean?!
Oscar Martinez: Someone please explain it to Kevin.
Meredith Palmer: Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours.
Phyllis Vance: Not according to the beans.
Angela Martin: This is how you make this important decision?
Andy Bernard: There's no way that Stanley gets more beans than me. (starts to take Stanley's beans, Stanley swats Andy's hand with his crossword puzzle) That is ridiculous. This is how it works. (everyone continues to argue)
Phyllis Vance: It's not so much that I might not get a raise. It's just demeaning!
Andy Bernard: Thank you! That is exactly-- by the way, I would also like a raise.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, I would, too.
Dwight Schrute: Are we idiots? (gets up, starts walking around) What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist, and these are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick-- let's get him. Tock-- let's get Jim! Tick-- and drag Jim out of his office! Tock-- take his keys away from him! Tick-- that's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?!
Phyllis Vance: I say no.
Dwight Schrute: No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? (all groan) Okay.
Michael Scott: (leaving his office, hurrying to Jim's office)
Kevin Malone: What does a bean mean?
Michael Scott: (in Jim's office) How you doing?
Jim Halpert: Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a four.
Michael Scott: Oh, what are you usually?
Jim Halpert: Six. You?
Michael Scott: Usually a ten, but I'm feeling like a zero.
Jim Halpert: I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Jim Halpert: We tried to find the fairest way to do it.
Michael Scott: Yes, we did.
Jim Halpert: I just-- what?
Michael Scott: Um, nothing. I just... I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. I have something I would like to give you. (leaves office)
Phyllis Vance: Michael!
Kevin Malone: Michael!
Phyllis Vance: Come on! This isn't fair!
Jim Halpert: (to camera) Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?
Phyllis Vance: (at Michael return to Jim's office) Michael, you cannot just keep avoiding us like this!
Jim Halpert: (Michael give Jim a "World's Best Boss" mug) Thank you.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Jim Halpert: What's in here?
Michael Scott: Gin. (toast, sip)
Jim Halpert: Ooh!
Michael Scott: (someone knocks) Just pretend we're not here.
Ryan Howard: Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you.
Ryan Howard: Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now, or $5,000 a year from now?
Pam Beesly: $100 now for sure.
Ryan Howard: Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in a hundred of my own money as the gift...
Pam Beesly: Yeah. No, no, I'll um-- the hundred. I'll just take the hundred.
Ryan Howard: Instead of $5,000 a year from now?
Pam Beesly: How sure is this?
Pam Beesly: The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.
Pam Beesly: (writes a check, gives to Ryan) Don't tell Jim.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 3 season 6. The Promotion is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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