Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Niagara

Vol. 6 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

Check out the full rundown of Jim and Pam’s big weekend, from the secret Maid of the Mist ceremony to the disaster at the rehearsal dinner. Every line from the episode is right here, including Michael's accidental reveal to Mema and Andy’s unfortunate dance floor injury. It's all the dialogue from the show so you can see exactly how the Halperts finally became official.

Scene 01

2 lines
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume... and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room?
Jim Halpert
We would really appreciate it.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Scene 03

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy.
Phyllis Vance
Now this is getting ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.
Meredith Palmer
All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I'm not stopping for anyone.

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
I don't think I'm asking for too much. I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.

Scene 05

1 line
Andy Bernard
(Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk, sniffs it and takes a bite; Pam stares at him, picks up her trash can and pukes into it) Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And... frankly so does talking about it. So... wow... (Andy, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Oscar and Angela all proceed to throw up in various places while Creed looks on eating a bowl of noodles; Dwight stares shocked; Pam wipes her mouth with a satisfied look)

Scene 06

6 lines
Michael Scott
(standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding) What do you think? I spent all morning on it.
Jim Halpert
It is really special.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... no. It's great.
Michael Scott
It's just a really important day for me.
Jim Halpert
Well, congrats.
Michael Scott
Thanks.

Scene 07

1 line
Erin Hannon
Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day.

Scene 08

33 lines
Jim Halpert
Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column.
Kevin Malone
So... you're going to provide them, then?
Jim Halpert
No. This is a fire cracker free wedding.
Kevin Malone
What the hell?
Dwight Schrute
Come on. You've got to be kidding me.
Pam Beesly
Ok. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Jim Halpert
Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended.
Angela Martin
Decent people everywhere will get offended.
Pam Beesly
Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned.
Angela Martin
Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers.
Jim Halpert
That's nice.
Pam Beesly
You know, Angela, you don't have to come to the wedding.
Angela Martin
Really, Pam...
Michael Scott
Yes she does. Yes she does. We're all gonna go and we're gonna have a good time. (hugs Angela)
Angela Martin
Ow! He pinched me!
Michael Scott
No.
Pam Beesly
Next time we're all in this room Jim and I will be married.
Dwight Schrute
We'll see.
Pam Beesly
Thank you, Dwight.
Jim Halpert
Good-bye.
Pam Beesly
See you later. (others say good-bye)
Michael Scott
And, hey, don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.
Andy Bernard
What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. (laughter)
Michael Scott
Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.
Andy Bernard
No... I didn't steal your joke.
Michael Scott
Yes. I said that yesterday.
Dwight Schrute
But you can say that about anything.
Michael Scott
Dwight...
Dwight Schrute
What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.
Kevin Malone
Oh yeah.
Michael Scott
No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.
Dwight Schrute
It's easy. That's what I'm saying.
Michael Scott
This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.

Scene 10

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Michael Scott
Get out of here.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Michael Scott
Oh, my God, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.
Michael Scott
There's... a name.
Dwight Schrute
Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Michael Scott
Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.
Dwight Schrute
Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.
Michael Scott
Is that all you have on her?
Dwight Schrute
Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name.
Michael Scott
You're an idiot.

Scene 11

1 line
Kevin Malone
People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office... but I'm going ot turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. (Angela beeps her car horn.) It's the hair-- (beeps again.) Ok. Ok. I'm going. (long beep) God.

Scene 12

4 lines
Andy Bernard
(in Andy's car, Andy driving) Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It's like a five hour drive-ish, you know.
Kelly Kapoor
This is so much cooler. We feel like wer're in a limo and you're our driver.
Andy Bernard
Mmm-hmm. Erin?
Erin Hannon
Oh no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in back.

Scene 13

1 line
Andy Bernard
Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smell's like my mom.

Scene 14

9 lines
Pam Beesly
(in car) Hey, my aunt told me something neat.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Jim Halpert
Oh, wow. That's cool.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
(aims imaginary camera at Pam) Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Jim Halpert
Lousy Picture.
Pam Beesly
We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.

Scene 15

15 lines
Michael Scott
(in car, Michael driving) Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep.
Dwight Schrute
What? No way!
Michael Scott
Those glasses are super dark.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. God.
Michael Scott
Alright. We need some tunes, I think.
Dwight Schrute
You know what? I made you a cd...
Michael Scott
You did?
Dwight Schrute
Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott
That was nice of you.
Dwight Schrute
This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Michael Scott
Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.
Dwight Schrute
You're gonna like this. (Dwight's voice on the cd) "Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of you're night in heaven--" (Michael turns off cd)
Michael Scott
Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. It's practical.
Michael Scott
No. No. That's not how it works.

Scene 16

1 line
Jim Halpert
Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun.

Scene 17

11 lines
Front Desk Clerk
Halpert...
Jim Halpert
And Beesly. Tonight we're in two seperate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.
Front Desk Clerk
Great.
Jim Halpert
I know. We're pretty excited, too.
Pam Beesly
Can we take a look at the suite now?
Front Desk Clerk
Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.
Pam Beesly
Oh... is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?
Front Desk Clerk
Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there.
Andy Bernard
Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. (laughs)
Jim Halpert
I don't like that.
Pam Beesly
I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.

Scene 18

36 lines
Michael Scott
Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott.
Front Desk Clerk
One moment while I check.
Dwight Schrute
The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.
Michael Scott
Mmm-hmm.
Front Desk Clerk
I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation?
Michael Scott
I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms.
Front Desk Clerk
Oh, ok. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I'm afraid we're all sold out.
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745.
Front Desk Clerk
Yes. Schrute.
Dwight Schrute
And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes?
Front Desk Clerk
Sure. No problem.
Dwight Schrute
Ok.
Front Desk Clerk
Here's your key, Mr. Schrute.
Michael Scott
Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room.
Dwight Schrute
No way. What if I meet someone?
Michael Scott
I'm staying in your-- Come on, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
No. No.
Michael Scott
I would do the same for you.
Dwight Schrute
You would?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Michael Scott
Yes... just go--
Dwight Schrute
Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours.
Michael Scott
Oh. Thank God.
Dwight Schrute
Oh no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you?
Michael Scott
Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can't. And I'll tell you why.
Dwight Schrute
Please?
Michael Scott
If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay.
Dwight Schrute
Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha! (rips reservation out of Michael's hand) That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me.
Michael Scott
I don't have a room?
Dwight Schrute
No you do not.
Michael Scott
Ok. 'Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.'
Dwight Schrute
It worked.
Michael Scott
Jerk.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

Scene 20

13 lines
Stanley Hudson
Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.
Michael Scott
Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Stanley Hudson
Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me.
Michael Scott
Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
Stanley Hudson
I got one queen size bed.
Michael Scott
You... are... kidding me.
Stanley Hudson
A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael.
Michael Scott
I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?
Erin Hannon
Oh. Gross.
Kelly Kapoor
Blow my brains out.
Michael Scott
That's rude.
Toby Flenderson
Michael, I have one extra twin bed, if you want.
Michael Scott
You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it.

Scene 21

16 lines
Mr. Halpert
So, which one is Pam's grandma?
Pam Beesly
Oh, Mema? She's the one in the teal suit. She's the only 80 year old with no smile wrinkles.
Jim Halpert
Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right?
Mr. Halpert
No.
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word.
Jim Halpert
Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott.
Mr. Halpert
Oh.
Michael Scott
How ya doin'?
Mr. Halpert
Hi.
Michael Scott
Nice to meet you.
Mr. Halpert
Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott
Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and--
Jim Halpert
Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think.
Michael Scott
(talking quietly, trying not to move his lips)That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives.
Jim Halpert
Pretty sure everyone heard that.
Michael Scott
Didn't move my lips.

Scene 22

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Mema.
Mema
I wasn't sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.
Pam Beesly
Oh. Thank you... but nobody's perfect.
Mema
Well... I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.

Scene 23

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Mr. Beesly. How are ya?
Mr. Beesly
I'd like you to meet Christy Kelly.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Is this, uh, is this your niece?
Mr. Beesly
(laughs) No no. She's my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table?

Scene 24

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report.
Little Girl
Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter?
Dwight Schrute
Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim... the bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt.
Kids
Ewwww!
Dwight Schrute
That's right. It is ew. It is very ew.

Scene 25

17 lines
Pam Beesly
Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor.
Oscar Martinez
Pleased to meet you.
Penny
I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil?
Kevin Malone
She thought I was your boyfriend.
Oscar Martinez
You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?
Pam Beesly
Oscar, it was an honest mistake.
Oscar Martinez
Him? Him?
Kevin Malone
Oscar, I would be proud to date you.
Penny
I'm sorry.
Kevin Malone
I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.
Penny
Nice to meet you, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Yes.
Oscar Martinez
You owe me and apology.
Penny
I'm so sorry.
Kevin Malone
Are you seeing anyone right now?
Pam Beesly
She has a boyfriend. He's out of town.
Kevin Malone
Cool.

Scene 26

3 lines
Ryan Howard
(to a girl sitting next to him) I was the youngest VP in the company history.
Meredith Palmer
More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories.
Ryan Howard
Um... also--

Scene 27

3 lines
Andy Bernard
How did Meredith get put at the young people's table?
Kevin Malone
She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin.
Andy Bernard
What? You're kid-- That's-- You're--

Scene 28

7 lines
Isabel
Jim and Pam, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.
Michael Scott
Head table, where I belong.
Dwight Schrute
It's just for family.
Michael Scott
Well, who's that one?
Dwight Schrute
Isabel Poreba. Oh, I've got stuff on her. (laughs) In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2.
Michael Scott
What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
That's a very good record.

Scene 29

5 lines
Pete Miller
Alright, so I'll be like, 'You're so sweet guys and so kind'.
Tom
That's when I'll do the face, like-
Pete Miller
Like, 'What? What?'. And then we'll just give him a little punch in the back and--
Tom
A noogie?
Pete Miller
You know what? Never too married for a noogie.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.

Scene 31

35 lines
Tom
Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine.
Pete Miller
Smoking.
Tom
Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch.
Pete Miller
A little mo' cardio.
Michael Scott
That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight Schrute
Knight Rider.
Michael Scott
That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. (no one is laughing)
Dwight Schrute
Very smart.
Michael Scott
And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.
Jim Halpert
No.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Go ahead.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming.
Pete Miller
Douche.
Jim Halpert
Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight... especially the Flordia cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. (laughter) Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do... which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photo copy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?
Pam Beesly
Like... a year.
Jim Halpert
I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So... I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses--
Mema
What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Jim Halpert
Pam can't drink? I didn't-- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I-- no. What we want-- the real reason is that, that Pam's pregnant.
Michael Scott
(clears throat) Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex--
Mema
They were living together?
Michael Scott
Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.
Jim Halpert
Michael.
Michael Scott
When you c-- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.
Jim Halpert
Oh, my God. Please.
Michael Scott
When you use something to block-- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman--
Pam Beesly
Michael.
Michael Scott
...but it's different for the-- ok. Ok.
Pam Beesly
Michael. Stop.
Michael Scott
Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word.
Jim Halpert
Alright.
Michael Scott
Jim.
Jim Halpert
To waiting.
Everyone
(quiet and scattered) To waiting.

Scene 32

2 lines
Mema
I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called "Bruno" last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, 'How could they pick such a hotel?' Hmmm. Now I know.
Pam Beesly
Mema.

Scene 33

11 lines
Michael Scott
That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it.
Jim Halpert
I can't believe it was me.
Michael Scott
I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Jim Halpert
Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Michael Scott
I have not found that to be the case.
Pam Beesly
Hey, smooth guys.
Jim Halpert
I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott
Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.
Pam Beesly
Mema's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Jim Halpert
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Michael Scott
There's gonna be a free room?

Scene 34

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hi, Mema. It's Michael.
Mema
Oh. You're that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse.
Michael Scott
Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma... and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.

Scene 36

14 lines
Mema
I want to go to bed but I can't. I can't turn that television off.
Michael Scott
Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up, there. (turns off tv)
Mema
Oh. Thank you.
Michael Scott
You're welcome.
Mema
It was that horrible Charlie Rose.
Michael Scott
Oh. Isn't he terrible? May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That's part of life.
Mema
People are like cats and dogs these days.
Michael Scott
Exactly.
Mema
This used to be such a great country.
Michael Scott
I know.
Mema
I don't know what happened to it.
Michael Scott
They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Mema.
Mema
You mean, Sylvia.
Michael Scott
Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.

Scene 37

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Partay. Room 639.
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Andy Bernard
Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models.
Kevin Malone
That sounds epic. Can we bring anything?
Andy Bernard
Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. 'Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo!

Scene 38

1 line
Andy Bernard
No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down.

Scene 39

1 line
Andy Bernard
If I was girl, I would seriously reconsdier coming to this party. But don't tell anyone that I said that, 'cause I want them to come.

Scene 40

10 lines
Angela Martin
And where do you think you're going?
Pam Beesly
I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
Angela Martin
Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead?
Pam Beesly
I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.
Angela Martin
Mmm-hmm. Ok. I'll go with you. Come on.
Pam Beesly
(sighs) Nevermind.
Angela Martin
Are you sure?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Angela Martin
It'll be fun.
Pam Beesly
No.

Scene 41

5 lines
Michael Scott
What are you wearing?
Dwight Schrute
What? It's a casual, social outfit.
Michael Scott
Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex.
Michael Scott
Ok. (Dwight howls) That's not appropriate. (Dwight continues howling) Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. (they both howl) Ok. Ok. Come on. Let's go. (both howl as they exit)

Scene 42

3 lines
Kevin Malone
It's a good idea.
Oscar Martinez
It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.

Scene 43

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael Scott
Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel
Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight Schrute
Nine and three-quarters.

Scene 44

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, 'No'.

Scene 45

7 lines
Michael Scott
(talking to an attractive woman) Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.
Dwight Schrute
Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Drop this one. Abort.
Michael Scott
Why?
Dwight Schrute
I found twins.
Michael Scott
Oh, my God. Twins. I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you.

Scene 46

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Aren't they magnificent?
Michael Scott
They're men, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I love finding a good set of twins.
Michael Scott
Something is wrong with you.

Scene 47

8 lines
Erin Hannon
(everyone is dancing) Go Meredith. Nice moves.
Andy Bernard
You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, ok? Like this.
Kelly Kapoor
Lame! What else you got, Andy?
Andy Bernard
How about a little bit of this.
Erin Hannon
Oh yeah. What else you got?
Kevin Malone
What else you got?
Andy Bernard
Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! (Andy does a split and screams out in pain)
Erin Hannon
What else you got?

Scene 48

4 lines
Kevin Malone
It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Pam's here. (knocks on Pam's door) Pam? (knocks again)
Andy Bernard
I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket.
Pam Beesly
What?
Andy Bernard
I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.

Scene 49

23 lines
Pam Beesly
Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours.
Andy Bernard
Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here.
Pam Beesly
(on the phone) Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital?
Jim Halpert
(over phone) What?
Pam Beesly
He tore his scrotum dancing.
Jim Halpert
(over phone) What?
Pam Beesly
He is in my room icing his balls.
Jim Halpert
(over phone) What?
Pam Beesly
Please stop saying what. Can you take him?
Jim Halpert
Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted.
Pam Beesly
Your brothers took you out drinking?
Jim Halpert
Uh...
Michael Scott
(over phone) Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly.
Pam Beesly
That's Michael. You're out with Michael?
Jim Halpert
(over phone) And Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(over phone) Hey-O!
Jim Halpert
Pam, it just happened.
Pam Beesly
Okay, fine. I'll take him.
Jim Halpert
I love you. Okay, I gotta--I gotta go!
Michael Scott
(over phone) I love you! (laughs)
Pam Beesly
Are you pushing me off the phone?
Jim Halpert
No. Let's talk for a long time.
Pam Beesly
Goodbye. (hangs up phone)

Scene 50

10 lines
Michael Scott
Mmm! It's after midnight. (points at Jim)
Michael & Dwight
You're married. (hugs Jim) He's married!
Dwight Schrute
Congratulations.
Jim Halpert
That's not how that works.
Dwight Schrute
Oh my goodness.
Michael Scott
Oh my God. You're not going to be able to talk back.
Dwight Schrute
You'll have Pam to answer to.
Michael Scott
She'll be sitting home saying, "Jim... take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons." (Dwight laughs) "And... and clip my toenails."
Dwight Schrute
"Jim... hey why don't you braid my hair. I want to watch TV."
Michael Scott
Now you sound like Kermit.

Scene 51

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Are you sure this is the right way?
Pam Beesly
Nope. I, like you, have never been here before.
Andy Bernard
Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum.
Pam Beesly
Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split when you've never done one before.
Andy Bernard
I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so--
Pam Beesly
My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job.
Andy Bernard
Well it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so--
Andy Bernard
(Pam swerves the car back and forth) Ow, ow!

Scene 52

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(snickers) I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.
Pam Beesly
Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?
Andy Bernard
No. No that was real.

Scene 53

1 line
Michael Scott
(folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket) Why don't you take a picture. It'll last longer. God. Can't I get a little privacy?

Scene 54

15 lines
Hotel Employee
(Kevin rings bell at the front desk) Good morning. How can I help you?
Kevin Malone
I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
Hotel Employee
You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.
Kevin Malone
Thank you.
Hotel Employee
(whispers to manager) Sir. It's the man with the shoes.
Hotel Manager
Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone.
Kevin Malone
They were stolen?
Hotel Manager
No. Destroyed.
Kevin Malone
What?
Hotel Manager
The bag was opened by our shoe shine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin Malone
But that was my only pair of shoes.
Hotel Manager
It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin Malone
Well... well damn-it.
Hotel Employee
I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Kevin Malone
Okay.

Scene 55

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(walking out of hotel room with a woman) You have everything?
Isabel
Hmm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
Cell phone? Charger?
Isabel
Yeah. So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day.
Dwight Schrute
It really is. I'm not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you Isabel.
Isabel
That's really sweet, Dwight. So I'll see you at the wedding?
Dwight Schrute
You know it.
Isabel
K. (they kiss)
Dwight Schrute
Okay, get out of here.
Isabel
Bye.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Michael Scott
(passes Isabel) Hey, good morning. (to Dwight) It's about damn time. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. (walks into hotel room) Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit.
Dwight Schrute
(lays on bed) Really? I hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots.

Scene 56

21 lines
Michael Scott
(watching Dwight eat breakfast) How can you eat like that?
Dwight Schrute
I'm ravenous after a night of love making. You?
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, what was she like?
Michael Scott
She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger.
Dwight Schrute
Brides side or grooms side? Or townie?
Michael Scott
She was from Europe.
Dwight Schrute
No kidding.
Michael Scott
Uh-huh.
Dwight Schrute
I bet she had hairy armpits.
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere.
Michael Scott
Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
She's Pam's best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe?
Dwight Schrute
Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth.
Michael Scott
No... you're crazy.
Dwight Schrute
Look. She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass.
Michael Scott
She's-- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in. It-- it--
Dwight Schrute
You should ask her out.
Michael Scott
(stands up and walks away) I already have my European girlfriend.

Scene 57

2 lines
Stanley Hudson
If your hat hits me in the face one more time--
Phyllis Vance
That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. (glares at Stanley's date)

Scene 58

3 lines
Angela Martin
(sees Kevin's toupee) Oh my God.
Oscar Martinez
Oh...
Kevin Malone
Oscar. Angela.

Scene 59

10 lines
Erin Hannon
Are you in a lot of pain?
Andy Bernard
Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um--I just have that side to me.
Erin Hannon
People say you cry all the time.
Andy Bernard
Well that's not--
Meredith Palmer
Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me.
Andy Bernard
I wasn't telling you.
Meredith Palmer
Is there still something there?
Andy Bernard
Excuse me?
Meredith Palmer
It didn't get torn off?
Andy Bernard
No, it didn't--nothing got torn off. Who told you that?

Scene 60

1 line
Jim Halpert
I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married.

Scene 61

3 lines
Erin Hannon
If you want to sit on this-- (hands Andy her wrap) I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer.
Andy Bernard
It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you.
Michael Scott
Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so-- how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. (holds up painting) And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Scene 62

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs.

Scene 63

13 lines
Penny
Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby.
Pam Beesly
Thank you weirdo.
Helene
everybody see Kristie's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom.
Pam Beesly
Okay, here I come. (walks out in her wedding dress)
Helene
Oh darling! You look beautiful.
Pam Beesly
Thanks mom.
Helene
Oh, I hope he deserves you.
Pam Beesly
He does.
Helene
Are you sure? Remember you don't have to do this. You don't.
Penny
Mom, you're totally projecting. You're being a drag.
Pam Beesly
Yes. Thank you, mom.
Isabel
Hey, I'm going to go outside and talk to Dwight.
Pam Beesly
Okay great. (Isabel kisses her cheek) Yeah, I'll see you in a second. (pauses) Wait, what? (tries to follow, but veil gets caught on wall and tears) Oh! Oh no!

Scene 64

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(answers cell phone) Hey!
Pam Beesly
Can you come here please?
Jim Halpert
Is this allowed?
Pam Beesly
No. No, but I'm allowing it. Just come here.

Scene 65

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
(talking to a woman) That was an intelligent comment.
Isabel
Hello stranger. How do I look?
Dwight Schrute
Oh. Fine. Isabel, (holds out hand) nice to see you. What do you want?
Isabel
Um... (shakes head) nothing. Anymore.
Dwight Schrute
(turns back to other woman) So, uh tell me again the difference between Filene's and Filene's basement.
Michael Scott
(to Isabel) Hey, hey... He's not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy?
Isabel
I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid.
Michael Scott
Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid. Where am I gonna go?

Scene 66

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Wow. You look--
Pam Beesly
Terrible.
Jim Halpert
So beautiful. (Pam's starts to cry. Jim pulls up chair to sit next to her) Hey--
Pam Beesly
My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels--
Jim Halpert
(takes her hand) Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty.
Pam Beesly
(sighs) Thank you.
Jim Halpert
And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right?
Pam Beesly
No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and-- (Jim cuts off half his tie)
Jim Halpert
There. Now we're even. (Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture, they kiss)
Pam Beesly
(sighs) Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. (Jim chuckles) And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend. (sighs) This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people?

Scene 67

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife.
Angela Martin
Yes.

Scene 68

4 lines
Oscar Martinez
(to Kevin who is bouncing up and down) What are you doing?
Kevin Malone
I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.
Oscar Martinez
How long do you take to pee?
Kevin Malone
The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.

Scene 69

7 lines
Michael Scott
(to Pam's mom) Hey. Hi. Do you--would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have--
Helene
Oh, yeah--(hands Michael a snack)
Michael Scott
Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or--
Helene
No.
Michael Scott
Oh... okay. Were you saving it?
Helene
Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just--I've had a very rough weekend.
Michael Scott
I'm sorry. (puts food in his mouth) Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.

Scene 70

2 lines
Erin Hannon
Do you think they canceled the wedding?
Angela Martin
Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party.

Scene 71

15 lines
Michael Scott
my weekend was bad so far.
Helene
Oh--
Michael Scott
I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm.
Helene
Oh that sounds awful.
Michael Scott
And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else.
Helene
Oh--
Michael Scott
It is a terrible year for love.
Helene
Yeah. Guess it is.
Michael Scott
I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen.
Tom Halpert
Excuse me, are you Michael Scott?
Michael Scott
Um, yeah.
Tom
Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.
Pete Halpert
Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back.
Michael Scott
Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. (pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them) There you go. Use it in good health.
Tom & Pete
(laughing) Yes!

Scene 72

6 lines
Meredith Palmer
Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing?
Stanley Hudson
Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?
Kevin Malone
Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs?
Stanley Hudson
No.
Kevin Malone
Who would want it?
Oscar Martinez
Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes.

Scene 73

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Toby.
Toby Flenderson
What?
Dwight Schrute
I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour.
Toby Flenderson
(sighs)
Dwight Schrute
(looks over and sees hole in his present) Crap. (sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up) Come here you.
Toby Flenderson
Well I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them. (Jim and Pam walk in laughing)

Scene 74

6 lines
Pam's dad
Hey. What happened?
Ryan Howard
Where were you guys? Do you know how long I've been waiting here?
Jim Halpert
Well we are here now, so let's just--
Michael Scott
(walks up) Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look?
Jim Halpert
You look great.
Pam Beesly
You look great.

Scene 75

1 line
Tom
(looks at Jim's cut tie) Wear a tie much?

Scene 76

11 lines
Penny
(music starts playing and people start dancing down the isle) I begged them not to.
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Penny
I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list.
Pam Beesly
Yes I did.
Penny
I'm sorry.
Pam Beesly
(smiles) Go ahead. I think it's your turn.
Penny
Wait, what happened? You're okay with this?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I'm okay.
Penny
Okay then! (takes flower girl to dance down the isle)
Michael Scott
Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube.
Pam Beesly
Saw it.

Scene 77

1 line
Jim Halpert
I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Scene 78

1 line
Kevin Malone
What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. (sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine) Whoo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.