All Episodes

Season 6 Episode 4

Every line from The Office episode "Niagara", season 6 episode 4.

Pam Beesly: I'm sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume... and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room?
Jim Halpert: We would really appreciate it.
Dwight Schrute: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.
Pam Beesly: Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy.
Phyllis Vance: Now this is getting ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.
Meredith Palmer: All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I'm not stopping for anyone.
Pam Beesly: I don't think I'm asking for too much. I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.
Andy Bernard: (Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk, sniffs it and takes a bite; Pam stares at him, picks up her trash can and pukes into it) Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And... frankly so does talking about it. So... wow... (Andy, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Oscar and Angela all proceed to throw up in various places while Creed looks on eating a bowl of noodles; Dwight stares shocked; Pam wipes her mouth with a satisfied look)
Michael Scott: (standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding) What do you think? I spent all morning on it.
Jim Halpert: It is really special.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... no. It's great.
Michael Scott: It's just a really important day for me.
Jim Halpert: Well, congrats.
Michael Scott: Thanks.
Erin Hannon: Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day.
Jim Halpert: Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column.
Kevin Malone: So... you're going to provide them, then?
Jim Halpert: No. This is a fire cracker free wedding.
Kevin Malone: What the hell?
Dwight Schrute: Come on. You've got to be kidding me.
Pam Beesly: Ok. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended.
Angela Martin: Decent people everywhere will get offended.
Pam Beesly: Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned.
Angela Martin: Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers.
Jim Halpert: That's nice.
Pam Beesly: You know, Angela, you don't have to come to the wedding.
Angela Martin: Really, Pam...
Michael Scott: Yes she does. Yes she does. We're all gonna go and we're gonna have a good time. (hugs Angela)
Angela Martin: Ow! He pinched me!
Michael Scott: No.
Pam Beesly: Next time we're all in this room Jim and I will be married.
Dwight Schrute: We'll see.
Pam Beesly: Thank you, Dwight.
Jim Halpert: Good-bye.
Pam Beesly: See you later. (others say good-bye)
Michael Scott: And, hey, don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.
Andy Bernard: What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. (laughter)
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.
Andy Bernard: No... I didn't steal your joke.
Michael Scott: Yes. I said that yesterday.
Dwight Schrute: But you can say that about anything.
Michael Scott: Dwight...
Dwight Schrute: What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.
Kevin Malone: Oh yeah.
Michael Scott: No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.
Dwight Schrute: It's easy. That's what I'm saying.
Michael Scott: This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!
Michael Scott: Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe.
Dwight Schrute: I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Michael Scott: Get out of here.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.
Michael Scott: There's... a name.
Dwight Schrute: Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Michael Scott: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.
Dwight Schrute: Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.
Michael Scott: Is that all you have on her?
Dwight Schrute: Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name.
Michael Scott: You're an idiot.
Kevin Malone: People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office... but I'm going ot turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. (Angela beeps her car horn.) It's the hair-- (beeps again.) Ok. Ok. I'm going. (long beep) God.
Andy Bernard: (in Andy's car, Andy driving) Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It's like a five hour drive-ish, you know.
Kelly Kapoor: This is so much cooler. We feel like wer're in a limo and you're our driver.
Andy Bernard: Mmm-hmm. Erin?
Erin Hannon: Oh no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in back.
Andy Bernard: Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smell's like my mom.
Pam Beesly: (in car) Hey, my aunt told me something neat.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Pam Beesly: She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Jim Halpert: Oh, wow. That's cool.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: (aims imaginary camera at Pam) Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Jim Halpert: Lousy Picture.
Pam Beesly: We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.
Michael Scott: (in car, Michael driving) Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep.
Dwight Schrute: What? No way!
Michael Scott: Those glasses are super dark.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. God.
Michael Scott: Alright. We need some tunes, I think.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? I made you a cd...
Michael Scott: You did?
Dwight Schrute: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: That was nice of you.
Dwight Schrute: This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Michael Scott: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.
Dwight Schrute: You're gonna like this. (Dwight's voice on the cd) "Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of you're night in heaven--" (Michael turns off cd)
Michael Scott: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. It's practical.
Michael Scott: No. No. That's not how it works.
Jim Halpert: Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun.
Front Desk Clerk: Halpert...
Jim Halpert: And Beesly. Tonight we're in two seperate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.
Front Desk Clerk: Great.
Jim Halpert: I know. We're pretty excited, too.
Pam Beesly: Can we take a look at the suite now?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.
Pam Beesly: Oh... is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there.
Andy Bernard: Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. (laughs)
Jim Halpert: I don't like that.
Pam Beesly: I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.
Michael Scott: Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott.
Front Desk Clerk: One moment while I check.
Dwight Schrute: The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm.
Front Desk Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation?
Michael Scott: I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms.
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, ok. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I'm afraid we're all sold out.
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745.
Front Desk Clerk: Yes. Schrute.
Dwight Schrute: And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes?
Front Desk Clerk: Sure. No problem.
Dwight Schrute: Ok.
Front Desk Clerk: Here's your key, Mr. Schrute.
Michael Scott: Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room.
Dwight Schrute: No way. What if I meet someone?
Michael Scott: I'm staying in your-- Come on, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: No. No.
Michael Scott: I would do the same for you.
Dwight Schrute: You would?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes... just go--
Dwight Schrute: Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours.
Michael Scott: Oh. Thank God.
Dwight Schrute: Oh no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you?
Michael Scott: Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can't. And I'll tell you why.
Dwight Schrute: Please?
Michael Scott: If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha! (rips reservation out of Michael's hand) That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me.
Michael Scott: I don't have a room?
Dwight Schrute: No you do not.
Michael Scott: Ok. 'Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.'
Dwight Schrute: It worked.
Michael Scott: Jerk.
Michael Scott: When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.
Stanley Hudson: Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.
Michael Scott: Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Stanley Hudson: Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me.
Michael Scott: Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
Stanley Hudson: I got one queen size bed.
Michael Scott: You... are... kidding me.
Stanley Hudson: A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?
Erin Hannon: Oh. Gross.
Kelly Kapoor: Blow my brains out.
Michael Scott: That's rude.
Toby Flenderson: Michael, I have one extra twin bed, if you want.
Michael Scott: You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it.
Mr. Halpert: So, which one is Pam's grandma?
Pam Beesly: Oh, Mema? She's the one in the teal suit. She's the only 80 year old with no smile wrinkles.
Jim Halpert: Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right?
Mr. Halpert: No.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word.
Jim Halpert: Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott.
Mr. Halpert: Oh.
Michael Scott: How ya doin'?
Mr. Halpert: Hi.
Michael Scott: Nice to meet you.
Mr. Halpert: Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and--
Jim Halpert: Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think.
Michael Scott: (talking quietly, trying not to move his lips)That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives.
Jim Halpert: Pretty sure everyone heard that.
Michael Scott: Didn't move my lips.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Mema.
Mema: I wasn't sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.
Pam Beesly: Oh. Thank you... but nobody's perfect.
Mema: Well... I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.
Jim Halpert: Mr. Beesly. How are ya?
Mr. Beesly: I'd like you to meet Christy Kelly.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Is this, uh, is this your niece?
Mr. Beesly: (laughs) No no. She's my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table?
Dwight Schrute: From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report.
Little Girl: Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter?
Dwight Schrute: Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim... the bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt.
Kids: Ewwww!
Dwight Schrute: That's right. It is ew. It is very ew.
Pam Beesly: Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor.
Oscar Martinez: Pleased to meet you.
Penny: I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil?
Kevin Malone: She thought I was your boyfriend.
Oscar Martinez: You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?
Pam Beesly: Oscar, it was an honest mistake.
Oscar Martinez: Him? Him?
Kevin Malone: Oscar, I would be proud to date you.
Penny: I'm sorry.
Kevin Malone: I'm not gay. I'm Kevin.
Penny: Nice to meet you, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Yes.
Oscar Martinez: You owe me and apology.
Penny: I'm so sorry.
Kevin Malone: Are you seeing anyone right now?
Pam Beesly: She has a boyfriend. He's out of town.
Kevin Malone: Cool.
Ryan Howard: (to a girl sitting next to him) I was the youngest VP in the company history.
Meredith Palmer: More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories.
Ryan Howard: Um... also--
Andy Bernard: How did Meredith get put at the young people's table?
Kevin Malone: She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin.
Andy Bernard: What? You're kid-- That's-- You're--
Isabel: Jim and Pam, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.
Michael Scott: Head table, where I belong.
Dwight Schrute: It's just for family.
Michael Scott: Well, who's that one?
Dwight Schrute: Isabel Poreba. Oh, I've got stuff on her. (laughs) In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2.
Michael Scott: What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: That's a very good record.
Pete Miller: Alright, so I'll be like, 'You're so sweet guys and so kind'.
Tom: That's when I'll do the face, like-
Pete Miller: Like, 'What? What?'. And then we'll just give him a little punch in the back and--
Tom: A noogie?
Pete Miller: You know what? Never too married for a noogie.
Michael Scott: They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.
Tom: Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine.
Pete Miller: Smoking.
Tom: Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch.
Pete Miller: A little mo' cardio.
Michael Scott: That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight Schrute: Knight Rider.
Michael Scott: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. (no one is laughing)
Dwight Schrute: Very smart.
Michael Scott: And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.
Jim Halpert: No.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Go ahead.
Jim Halpert: Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming.
Pete Miller: Douche.
Jim Halpert: Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight... especially the Flordia cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. (laughter) Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do... which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photo copy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?
Pam Beesly: Like... a year.
Jim Halpert: I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So... I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses--
Mema: What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Jim Halpert: Pam can't drink? I didn't-- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I-- no. What we want-- the real reason is that, that Pam's pregnant.
Michael Scott: (clears throat) Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex--
Mema: They were living together?
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.
Jim Halpert: Michael.
Michael Scott: When you c-- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God. Please.
Michael Scott: When you use something to block-- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman--
Pam Beesly: Michael.
Michael Scott: ...but it's different for the-- ok. Ok.
Pam Beesly: Michael. Stop.
Michael Scott: Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Michael Scott: Jim.
Jim Halpert: To waiting.
Everyone: (quiet and scattered) To waiting.
Mema: I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called "Bruno" last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, 'How could they pick such a hotel?' Hmmm. Now I know.
Pam Beesly: Mema.
Michael Scott: That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it.
Jim Halpert: I can't believe it was me.
Michael Scott: I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Jim Halpert: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Michael Scott: I have not found that to be the case.
Pam Beesly: Hey, smooth guys.
Jim Halpert: I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott: Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.
Pam Beesly: Mema's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Michael Scott: There's gonna be a free room?
Michael Scott: Hi, Mema. It's Michael.
Mema: Oh. You're that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
Michael Scott: I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma... and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.
Mema: I want to go to bed but I can't. I can't turn that television off.
Michael Scott: Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up, there. (turns off tv)
Mema: Oh. Thank you.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Mema: It was that horrible Charlie Rose.
Michael Scott: Oh. Isn't he terrible? May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That's part of life.
Mema: People are like cats and dogs these days.
Michael Scott: Exactly.
Mema: This used to be such a great country.
Michael Scott: I know.
Mema: I don't know what happened to it.
Michael Scott: They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Mema.
Mema: You mean, Sylvia.
Michael Scott: Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.
Andy Bernard: Partay. Room 639.
Kevin Malone: Yes!
Andy Bernard: Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models.
Kevin Malone: That sounds epic. Can we bring anything?
Andy Bernard: Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. 'Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo!
Andy Bernard: No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down.
Andy Bernard: If I was girl, I would seriously reconsdier coming to this party. But don't tell anyone that I said that, 'cause I want them to come.
Angela Martin: And where do you think you're going?
Pam Beesly: I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
Angela Martin: Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead?
Pam Beesly: I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.
Angela Martin: Mmm-hmm. Ok. I'll go with you. Come on.
Pam Beesly: (sighs) Nevermind.
Angela Martin: Are you sure?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Angela Martin: It'll be fun.
Pam Beesly: No.
Michael Scott: What are you wearing?
Dwight Schrute: What? It's a casual, social outfit.
Michael Scott: Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex.
Michael Scott: Ok. (Dwight howls) That's not appropriate. (Dwight continues howling) Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. (they both howl) Ok. Ok. Come on. Let's go. (both howl as they exit)
Kevin Malone: It's a good idea.
Oscar Martinez: It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.
Dwight Schrute: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight Schrute: Nine and three-quarters.
Dwight Schrute: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, 'No'.
Michael Scott: (talking to an attractive woman) Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.
Dwight Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Drop this one. Abort.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight Schrute: I found twins.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Twins. I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you.
Dwight Schrute: Aren't they magnificent?
Michael Scott: They're men, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I love finding a good set of twins.
Michael Scott: Something is wrong with you.
Erin Hannon: (everyone is dancing) Go Meredith. Nice moves.
Andy Bernard: You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, ok? Like this.
Kelly Kapoor: Lame! What else you got, Andy?
Andy Bernard: How about a little bit of this.
Erin Hannon: Oh yeah. What else you got?
Kevin Malone: What else you got?
Andy Bernard: Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! (Andy does a split and screams out in pain)
Erin Hannon: What else you got?
Kevin Malone: It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Pam's here. (knocks on Pam's door) Pam? (knocks again)
Andy Bernard: I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket.
Pam Beesly: What?
Andy Bernard: I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.
Pam Beesly: Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours.
Andy Bernard: Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here.
Pam Beesly: (on the phone) Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital?
Jim Halpert: (over phone) What?
Pam Beesly: He tore his scrotum dancing.
Jim Halpert: (over phone) What?
Pam Beesly: He is in my room icing his balls.
Jim Halpert: (over phone) What?
Pam Beesly: Please stop saying what. Can you take him?
Jim Halpert: Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted.
Pam Beesly: Your brothers took you out drinking?
Jim Halpert: Uh...
Michael Scott: (over phone) Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly.
Pam Beesly: That's Michael. You're out with Michael?
Jim Halpert: (over phone) And Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: (over phone) Hey-O!
Jim Halpert: Pam, it just happened.
Pam Beesly: Okay, fine. I'll take him.
Jim Halpert: I love you. Okay, I gotta--I gotta go!
Michael Scott: (over phone) I love you! (laughs)
Pam Beesly: Are you pushing me off the phone?
Jim Halpert: No. Let's talk for a long time.
Pam Beesly: Goodbye. (hangs up phone)
Michael Scott: Mmm! It's after midnight. (points at Jim)
Michael & Dwight: You're married. (hugs Jim) He's married!
Dwight Schrute: Congratulations.
Jim Halpert: That's not how that works.
Dwight Schrute: Oh my goodness.
Michael Scott: Oh my God. You're not going to be able to talk back.
Dwight Schrute: You'll have Pam to answer to.
Michael Scott: She'll be sitting home saying, "Jim... take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons." (Dwight laughs) "And... and clip my toenails."
Dwight Schrute: "Jim... hey why don't you braid my hair. I want to watch TV."
Michael Scott: Now you sound like Kermit.
Andy Bernard: Are you sure this is the right way?
Pam Beesly: Nope. I, like you, have never been here before.
Andy Bernard: Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum.
Pam Beesly: Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split when you've never done one before.
Andy Bernard: I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so--
Pam Beesly: My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job.
Andy Bernard: Well it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so--
Andy Bernard: (Pam swerves the car back and forth) Ow, ow!
Andy Bernard: (snickers) I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.
Pam Beesly: Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?
Andy Bernard: No. No that was real.
Michael Scott: (folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket) Why don't you take a picture. It'll last longer. God. Can't I get a little privacy?
Hotel Employee: (Kevin rings bell at the front desk) Good morning. How can I help you?
Kevin Malone: I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
Hotel Employee: You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.
Kevin Malone: Thank you.
Hotel Employee: (whispers to manager) Sir. It's the man with the shoes.
Hotel Manager: Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone.
Kevin Malone: They were stolen?
Hotel Manager: No. Destroyed.
Kevin Malone: What?
Hotel Manager: The bag was opened by our shoe shine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin Malone: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Hotel Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin Malone: Well... well damn-it.
Hotel Employee: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Kevin Malone: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: (walking out of hotel room with a woman) You have everything?
Isabel: Hmm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: Cell phone? Charger?
Isabel: Yeah. So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day.
Dwight Schrute: It really is. I'm not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you Isabel.
Isabel: That's really sweet, Dwight. So I'll see you at the wedding?
Dwight Schrute: You know it.
Isabel: K. (they kiss)
Dwight Schrute: Okay, get out of here.
Isabel: Bye.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: (passes Isabel) Hey, good morning. (to Dwight) It's about damn time. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. (walks into hotel room) Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit.
Dwight Schrute: (lays on bed) Really? I hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots.
Michael Scott: (watching Dwight eat breakfast) How can you eat like that?
Dwight Schrute: I'm ravenous after a night of love making. You?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, what was she like?
Michael Scott: She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger.
Dwight Schrute: Brides side or grooms side? Or townie?
Michael Scott: She was from Europe.
Dwight Schrute: No kidding.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh.
Dwight Schrute: I bet she had hairy armpits.
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere.
Michael Scott: Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: She's Pam's best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe?
Dwight Schrute: Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth.
Michael Scott: No... you're crazy.
Dwight Schrute: Look. She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass.
Michael Scott: She's-- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in. It-- it--
Dwight Schrute: You should ask her out.
Michael Scott: (stands up and walks away) I already have my European girlfriend.
Stanley Hudson: If your hat hits me in the face one more time--
Phyllis Vance: That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. (glares at Stanley's date)
Angela Martin: (sees Kevin's toupee) Oh my God.
Oscar Martinez: Oh...
Kevin Malone: Oscar. Angela.
Erin Hannon: Are you in a lot of pain?
Andy Bernard: Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um--I just have that side to me.
Erin Hannon: People say you cry all the time.
Andy Bernard: Well that's not--
Meredith Palmer: Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me.
Andy Bernard: I wasn't telling you.
Meredith Palmer: Is there still something there?
Andy Bernard: Excuse me?
Meredith Palmer: It didn't get torn off?
Andy Bernard: No, it didn't--nothing got torn off. Who told you that?
Jim Halpert: I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married.
Erin Hannon: If you want to sit on this-- (hands Andy her wrap) I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer.
Andy Bernard: It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you.
Michael Scott: Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so-- how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. (holds up painting) And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.
Dwight Schrute: I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs.
Penny: Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby.
Pam Beesly: Thank you weirdo.
Helene: everybody see Kristie's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom.
Pam Beesly: Okay, here I come. (walks out in her wedding dress)
Helene: Oh darling! You look beautiful.
Pam Beesly: Thanks mom.
Helene: Oh, I hope he deserves you.
Pam Beesly: He does.
Helene: Are you sure? Remember you don't have to do this. You don't.
Penny: Mom, you're totally projecting. You're being a drag.
Pam Beesly: Yes. Thank you, mom.
Isabel: Hey, I'm going to go outside and talk to Dwight.
Pam Beesly: Okay great. (Isabel kisses her cheek) Yeah, I'll see you in a second. (pauses) Wait, what? (tries to follow, but veil gets caught on wall and tears) Oh! Oh no!
Jim Halpert: (answers cell phone) Hey!
Pam Beesly: Can you come here please?
Jim Halpert: Is this allowed?
Pam Beesly: No. No, but I'm allowing it. Just come here.
Dwight Schrute: (talking to a woman) That was an intelligent comment.
Isabel: Hello stranger. How do I look?
Dwight Schrute: Oh. Fine. Isabel, (holds out hand) nice to see you. What do you want?
Isabel: Um... (shakes head) nothing. Anymore.
Dwight Schrute: (turns back to other woman) So, uh tell me again the difference between Filene's and Filene's basement.
Michael Scott: (to Isabel) Hey, hey... He's not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy?
Isabel: I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid.
Michael Scott: Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid. Where am I gonna go?
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Wow. You look--
Pam Beesly: Terrible.
Jim Halpert: So beautiful. (Pam's starts to cry. Jim pulls up chair to sit next to her) Hey--
Pam Beesly: My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels--
Jim Halpert: (takes her hand) Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty.
Pam Beesly: (sighs) Thank you.
Jim Halpert: And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right?
Pam Beesly: No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and-- (Jim cuts off half his tie)
Jim Halpert: There. Now we're even. (Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture, they kiss)
Pam Beesly: (sighs) Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. (Jim chuckles) And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend. (sighs) This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people?
Phyllis Vance: I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife.
Angela Martin: Yes.
Oscar Martinez: (to Kevin who is bouncing up and down) What are you doing?
Kevin Malone: I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.
Oscar Martinez: How long do you take to pee?
Kevin Malone: The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.
Michael Scott: (to Pam's mom) Hey. Hi. Do you--would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have--
Helene: Oh, yeah--(hands Michael a snack)
Michael Scott: Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or--
Helene: No.
Michael Scott: Oh... okay. Were you saving it?
Helene: Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just--I've had a very rough weekend.
Michael Scott: I'm sorry. (puts food in his mouth) Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.
Erin Hannon: Do you think they canceled the wedding?
Angela Martin: Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party.
Michael Scott: my weekend was bad so far.
Helene: Oh--
Michael Scott: I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm.
Helene: Oh that sounds awful.
Michael Scott: And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else.
Helene: Oh--
Michael Scott: It is a terrible year for love.
Helene: Yeah. Guess it is.
Michael Scott: I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen.
Tom Halpert: Excuse me, are you Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: Um, yeah.
Tom: Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.
Pete Halpert: Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. (pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them) There you go. Use it in good health.
Tom & Pete: (laughing) Yes!
Meredith Palmer: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing?
Stanley Hudson: Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?
Kevin Malone: Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs?
Stanley Hudson: No.
Kevin Malone: Who would want it?
Oscar Martinez: Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes.
Dwight Schrute: Toby.
Toby Flenderson: What?
Dwight Schrute: I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour.
Toby Flenderson: (sighs)
Dwight Schrute: (looks over and sees hole in his present) Crap. (sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up) Come here you.
Toby Flenderson: Well I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them. (Jim and Pam walk in laughing)
Pam's dad: Hey. What happened?
Ryan Howard: Where were you guys? Do you know how long I've been waiting here?
Jim Halpert: Well we are here now, so let's just--
Michael Scott: (walks up) Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look?
Jim Halpert: You look great.
Pam Beesly: You look great.
Tom: (looks at Jim's cut tie) Wear a tie much?
Penny: (music starts playing and people start dancing down the isle) I begged them not to.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Penny: I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list.
Pam Beesly: Yes I did.
Penny: I'm sorry.
Pam Beesly: (smiles) Go ahead. I think it's your turn.
Penny: Wait, what happened? You're okay with this?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I'm okay.
Penny: Okay then! (takes flower girl to dance down the isle)
Michael Scott: Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube.
Pam Beesly: Saw it.
Jim Halpert: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.
Kevin Malone: What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. (sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine) Whoo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 4 season 6. Niagara is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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