Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Mafia

Vol. 6 · Issue 5Scranton, PA

Michael is positive an insurance salesman is actually in the mob, and with Jim and Pam on their honeymoon, the "coalition for reason" is basically non-existent. Every line from the episode is right here, from the legendary "gabba-gool" order to Andy's terrible mechanic disguise. It's the full script for anyone who needs to see Michael's attempt at being a tough guy.

Scene 01

22 lines
Michael Scott
The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. "Mental" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Toby Flenderson
Well the "fun" is in it. (conference room group chimes agreement.)
Michael Scott
Get out.
Toby Flenderson
(halfway out) Yeah, I know.
Michael Scott
Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need "small talk." What topics can you use for small talk?
Andy Bernard
Golf.
Michael Scott
Mmhm.
Andy Bernard
Stock market.
Michael Scott
Mmhm.
Andy Bernard
Dave Matthews.
Michael Scott
Yes, what else?
Creed Bratton
Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes...
Michael Scott
No.
Meredith Palmer
The weekend!
Michael Scott
Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?"
Meredith Palmer
Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
Michael Scott
All right...
Meredith Palmer
He calls it an upper decker.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.
Ryan Howard
Then do it.
Michael Scott
What?
Ryan Howard
Write a book.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
(into mini recorder) The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman...

Scene 03

8 lines
Erin Hannon
(Michael walks in office, man waits on couch) Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.
Michael Scott
Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. (whispers) Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Erin Hannon
In your schedule it just says nine til noon is "creative space" and I thought this could be part of that.
Michael Scott
Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Erin Hannon
You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says "free play."
Michael Scott
Push free play til tomorrow morning. (to Grotti) Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made.
Grotti
Ah.
Michael Scott
Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.

Scene 04

6 lines
Grotti
As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride.
Michael Scott
Mmhm.
Grotti
But you also got a lot of responsibility
Michael Scott
Yep.
Grotti
None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.

Scene 06

1 line
Kevin Malone
Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.

Scene 07

13 lines
Andy Bernard
What do you think?
Dwight Schrute
I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
Grotti
God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse.
Michael Scott
Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.
Grotti
Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury.
Michael Scott
Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.
Grotti
You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott
Okay, well.
Grotti
I can be very very persistent.
Michael Scott
Do your worst. (they shake hands)
Michael Scott
(Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat) Oh, great.
Grotti
Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?
Michael Scott
Mmhm.

Scene 08

18 lines
Andy Bernard
What happened in there?
Michael Scott
Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
Dwight Schrute
Did he threaten you?
Michael Scott
No Dwight, not everything is a threat.
Andy Bernard
Mobsters are!
Michael Scott
There is no such things as monsters.
Andy Bernard
He drives an SUV!
Dwight Schrute
I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.
Oscar Martinez
Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?
Dwight Schrute
No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.
Michael Scott
Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy Bernard
All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.
Oscar Martinez
For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.
Michael Scott
I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!
Dwight Schrute
Exactly.
Michael Scott
He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Oscar Martinez
Uhh. All right, who else is here? (looks around)

Scene 09

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between "sane and others." Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.

Scene 10

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. (nods head)

Scene 11

16 lines
Michael Scott
(over chatter) Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?
Ryan Howard
Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'
Michael Scott
Okay.
Ryan Howard
What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?
Michael Scott
Um it is, Grotti.
Andy & Dwight
(groans) Oh no. Fabulous.
Oscar Martinez
What? What?
Andy Bernard
It's John Gotti, you idiot!
Oscar Martinez
It's, it's a completely different name!
Phyllis Vance
So he won't get caught!
Andy Bernard
Yeah. It's pretty close.
Oscar Martinez
No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.
Dwight Schrute
No I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it "murder." And not "muck-duck."
Michael Scott
Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Dwight Schrute
Lock your door!
Michael Scott
I'm not gonna lock my door. (door closes. Then clicks locked)

Scene 12

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Hello?
Oscar Martinez
Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Jim Halpert
Oscar! Uh, what is going on?
Oscar Martinez
It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this.
Jim Halpert
Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-
Pam Beesly
Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon.
Oscar Martinez
Pam, I'm sorry--
Pam Beesly
Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.
Oscar Martinez
You're right. You're right. (Pam hangs up) Oh, okay bye.

Scene 13

35 lines
Michael Scott
It's Grotti. He's following up.
Andy Bernard
Already? This, this guy is persistent!
Michael Scott
(reads email) "I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business."
Dwight Schrute
That's bad.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
That's bad.
Michael Scott
Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?
Andy Bernard
Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.
Michael Scott
Okay, I'm calling the police.
Andy Bernard
(hangs up, rips cord from phone) That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!
Dwight Schrute
He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.
Michael Scott
All right.
Andy Bernard
Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!
Michael Scott
Shh!
Dwight Schrute
You know what?
Michael Scott
That's not gonna happen.
Dwight Schrute
That's an exaggeration.
Andy Bernard
That's how it works!
Michael Scott
What am I supposed to do here?
Andy Bernard
When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back
Michael Scott
I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Dwight Schrute
No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat.
Andy Bernard
Dwight...
Dwight Schrute
The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.
Michael Scott
I don't know, I don't know about that.
Andy Bernard
Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting.
Dwight Schrute
Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent.
Andy Bernard
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.
Andy Bernard
(snaps fingers) I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.
Michael Scott
Hold on, hold on! Just-
Andy Bernard
No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.
Michael Scott
All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone.
Andy Bernard
Well you're gonna have to. (overlaps) Dwight: We'll be right beside you.
Andy Bernard
What?

Scene 14

8 lines
Michael Scott
(Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on) What are you wearing? Who's Pat?
Andy Bernard
Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.
Dwight Schrute
Do you know how to use it?
Andy Bernard
To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it.
Michael Scott
Let's go, come on. (whispers) God!
Andy Bernard
Should I change?
Dwight Schrute
You're wearing loafers!
Michael Scott
Forget it! Forget it!

Scene 15

7 lines
Michael Scott
(Andy is playing with the tire iron) Take that thing off the table! Please!
Andy Bernard
Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it.
Dwight Schrute
Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.
Andy Bernard
Oh! God! (smacks roaches)
Michael Scott
Oh my God!
Dwight Schrute
You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-
Michael Scott
Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.

Scene 16

13 lines
Michael Scott
Hello.
Grotti
Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott
Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.
Grotti
Hi. Angelo Grotti.
Andy Bernard
Hi.
Dwight Schrute
Hello.
Grotti
So, you got this table?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Grotti
This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing.
Michael Scott
Well.
Grotti
Waitress, we're gonna sit over here.
Waitress
That's fine.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 17

15 lines
Kevin Malone
(answers phone) Hello.
Credit card rep
Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin Malone
Oh man, do you think it was stolen?
Rep
First would you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin Malone
Um, yes. (looks at Jim's pay stub) Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA
Rep
And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?
Kevin Malone
Six-six-five-zero.
Rep
Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Kevin Malone
Wait a minute. Yes I am.
Rep
I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Kevin Malone
No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Rep
Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away.
Kevin Malone
No-
Rep
Have a nice day, and thank you!
Kevin Malone
Shoot.

Scene 18

22 lines
Grotti
If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy.
Dwight Schrute
Oh he's not that nice.
Michael Scott
That's not true.
Andy Bernard
Hmm. Very true.
Michael Scott
Okay shut up.
Waitress
Have you decided?
Grotti
Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress
Okay then. And for you sir?
Michael Scott
I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress
The... what?
Michael Scott
The gabba-gool.
Waitress
I don't really know what that is.
Andy Bernard
(with Soprano's inflection) You know, gabba-gool.
Michael Scott
I don't, I don't have to have that.
Dwight Schrute
What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool.
Michael Scott
Guys, guys-
Waitress
I don't really think that we have that.
Michael Scott
That's okay.
Dwight Schrute
Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael Scott
Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad.
Waitress
Okay.
Michael Scott
If the salad is on top, I send it back.

Scene 19

8 lines
Oscar Martinez
Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?
Kevin Malone
I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone.
Oscar Martinez
This constitutes identity fraud.
Kevin Malone
Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you.
Oscar Martinez
What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin Malone
Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail.
Oscar Martinez
Why would I love jail?
Kevin Malone
Because... You would love it.

Scene 20

23 lines
Michael Scott
I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
Grotti
Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.
Andy Bernard
Maybe we have a plan for you?
Grotti
How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and (drops hand loudly on table) Think about it.
Woman
(approaches with child) Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?
Andy Bernard
Yeeeeah.
Woman
My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?
Andy Bernard
Yes I can.
Michael Scott
No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad.
Grotti
Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!
Andy Bernard
Okay!
Woman
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
Michael Scott
Hey, do you need any help?
Grotti
I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down.
Michael Scott
He's a good mechanic.
Grotti
Where were we?
Michael Scott
I don't...
Dwight Schrute
He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay okay.
Dwight Schrute
So we're choosing...
Michael Scott
Yep, all right.
Dwight Schrute
Check out Dental?
Michael Scott
Put it down.

Scene 21

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down.
Kid
He seems bad at this.
Andy Bernard
You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. (Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off) Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube.
Woman
What?!?
Andy Bernard
So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. (Andy walks away, woman is exasperated)

Scene 22

12 lines
Grotti
Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. (Andy clears throat loudly) You okay, Pat?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of.
Grotti
Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?
Andy Bernard
It was before, my tech- my technical training.
Dwight Schrute
Don't do it!
Andy Bernard
Do it.
Dwight Schrute
Don't.
Andy Bernard
Just do it.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Grotti
Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 23

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?
Michael Scott
It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
Andy Bernard
You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you.
Michael Scott
I had to make a snap decision Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.
Michael Scott
It was a lot of snap decisions.
Dwight Schrute
Do you know what "snap decision" means?
Michael Scott
Yes!
Dwight Schrute
It means like this. (snaps fingers)
Michael Scott
Just get in the car.

Scene 24

22 lines
Jim Halpert
Hello?
Michael Scott
Jim?
Jim Halpert
Michael?
Michael Scott
Oh thank God.
Jim Halpert
How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran.
Michael Scott
It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.
Jim Halpert
That sounds bad.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend.
Jim Halpert
I'm gonna help you through it all right?
Michael Scott
Okay!
Jim Halpert
All you're gonna need to (faking a bad connection) and- it- and then go to--
Michael Scott
Jim? Are you?
Jim Halpert
And then you'll be saved.
Michael Scott
What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.
Jim Halpert
Just (drops) and then you'll be saved.
Michael Scott
No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!
Jim Halpert
A- ah--
Michael Scott
No! Oh my God!
Jim Halpert
And you'll be saved.
Michael Scott
No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!
Jim Halpert
I (drops out) at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again.
Michael Scott
Jim?!? (dial tone) Oh my God.

Scene 25

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?
Oscar Martinez
Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.
Michael Scott
Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?
Oscar Martinez
Just- no. No.
Michael Scott
All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.

Scene 26

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault.
Andy Bernard
He's alive. So you're welcome.
Dwight Schrute
Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, some of that existed before.
Dwight Schrute
Not the living in fear, that's new.
Andy Bernard
You're right, that is new.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Andy Bernard
Well I don't see that happening.
Dwight Schrute
Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Andy Bernard
Are you saying-
Dwight Schrute
Yeah...
Andy Bernard
That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?
Dwight Schrute
What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!
Andy Bernard
That seems a little far-fetched.
Dwight Schrute
Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.

Scene 27

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.
Michael Scott
No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.
Andy Bernard
No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.
Dwight Schrute
It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.
Andy Bernard
Class act. Boy scout.
Michael Scott
But Grotti acts like he's mafia though.
Andy Bernard
He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman.
Dwight Schrute
And he made us all look like chumps!
Michael Scott
(grunts)

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.

Scene 29

27 lines
Grotti
This is Grotti.
Michael Scott
This is Scott.
Grotti
Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now.
Michael Scott
Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Grotti
I, I thought you'd be pleased.
Michael Scott
Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd.
Grotti
What?
Michael Scott
I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.
Grotti
I don't get it. How was I scaring you?
Michael Scott
I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
Andy Bernard
Whoa. Okay.
Michael Scott
You suck!
Dwight Schrute
Okay that's-
Michael Scott
And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance.
Dwight Schrute
That's good, let's wrap it up.
Michael Scott
How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?
Grotti
Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?
Michael Scott
Doubt it. (disconnects call)
Dwight & Andy
(relaxing) Oh man.
Michael Scott
What a tool. (Dwight and Andy exchange looks) What?
Andy Bernard
Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!
Michael Scott
No. What do you mean?
Dwight Schrute
We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared.
Michael Scott
What?
Dwight Schrute
You successfully backed down the mob!
Andy Bernard
You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!
Michael Scott
Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not.

Scene 30

12 lines
Michael Scott
So I looked him in the eye and I said, "Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead." I said something like that.
Dwight Schrute
Very close.
Oscar Martinez
Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.
Michael Scott
Erin?
Erin Hannon
Yes?
Michael Scott
Coffee?
Erin Hannon
Okay.
Michael Scott
Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back.
Erin Hannon
Okay.
Michael Scott
Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back.
Erin Hannon
How do you return coffee?
Michael Scott
Go. Any questions?

Scene 31

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Are you kidding me?
Kevin Malone
Hi Pam, is Jim there?
Pam Beesly
Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!
Kevin Malone
Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi.
Pam Beesly
Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.
Kevin Malone
Cool. Okay. (Pam hangs up) Bye.

Scene 32

1 line
Kevin Malone
They have no idea what happened.