Every line from The Office episode "Mafia", season 6 episode 5.
Michael Scott: The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. "Mental" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Toby Flenderson: Well the "fun" is in it. (conference room group chimes agreement.)
Toby Flenderson: (halfway out) Yeah, I know.
Michael Scott: Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need "small talk." What topics can you use for small talk?
Andy Bernard: Stock market.
Andy Bernard: Dave Matthews.
Michael Scott: Yes, what else?
Creed Bratton: Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes...
Meredith Palmer: The weekend!
Michael Scott: Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?"
Meredith Palmer: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
Michael Scott: All right...
Meredith Palmer: He calls it an upper decker.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with.
Ryan Howard: Write a book.
Erin Hannon: (Michael walks in office, man waits on couch) Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to.
Michael Scott: Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. (whispers) Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Erin Hannon: In your schedule it just says nine til noon is "creative space" and I thought this could be part of that.
Michael Scott: Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Erin Hannon: You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says "free play."
Michael Scott: Push free play til tomorrow morning. (to Grotti) Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made.
Michael Scott: Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
Andy Bernard: What do you think?
Dwight Schrute: I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
Grotti: God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse.
Michael Scott: Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.
Grotti: Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury.
Michael Scott: Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.
Grotti: You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott: Okay, well.
Grotti: I can be very very persistent.
Michael Scott: Do your worst. (they shake hands)
Michael Scott: (Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat) Oh, great.
Grotti: Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?
Andy Bernard: What happened in there?
Michael Scott: Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
Dwight Schrute: Did he threaten you?
Michael Scott: No Dwight, not everything is a threat.
Andy Bernard: Mobsters are!
Michael Scott: There is no such things as monsters.
Andy Bernard: He drives an SUV!
Dwight Schrute: I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.
Oscar Martinez: Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?
Dwight Schrute: No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.
Michael Scott: Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy Bernard: All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation.
Oscar Martinez: For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.
Michael Scott: I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!
Michael Scott: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Oscar Martinez: Uhh. All right, who else is here? (looks around)
Michael Scott: (over chatter) Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?
Ryan Howard: Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'
Ryan Howard: What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?
Michael Scott: Um it is, Grotti.
Andy & Dwight: (groans) Oh no. Fabulous.
Oscar Martinez: What? What?
Andy Bernard: It's John Gotti, you idiot!
Oscar Martinez: It's, it's a completely different name!
Phyllis Vance: So he won't get caught!
Andy Bernard: Yeah. It's pretty close.
Oscar Martinez: No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.
Dwight Schrute: No I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it "murder." And not "muck-duck."
Michael Scott: Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Dwight Schrute: Lock your door!
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna lock my door. (door closes. Then clicks locked)
Oscar Martinez: Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Jim Halpert: Oscar! Uh, what is going on?
Oscar Martinez: It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this.
Jim Halpert: Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-
Pam Beesly: Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon.
Oscar Martinez: Pam, I'm sorry--
Pam Beesly: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.
Oscar Martinez: You're right. You're right. (Pam hangs up) Oh, okay bye.
Michael Scott: It's Grotti. He's following up.
Andy Bernard: Already? This, this guy is persistent!
Michael Scott: (reads email) "I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business."
Dwight Schrute: That's bad.
Dwight Schrute: That's bad.
Michael Scott: Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?
Andy Bernard: Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm calling the police.
Andy Bernard: (hangs up, rips cord from phone) That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!
Dwight Schrute: He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported.
Michael Scott: All right.
Andy Bernard: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!
Dwight Schrute: You know what?
Michael Scott: That's not gonna happen.
Dwight Schrute: That's an exaggeration.
Andy Bernard: That's how it works!
Michael Scott: What am I supposed to do here?
Andy Bernard: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back
Michael Scott: I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Dwight Schrute: No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat.
Dwight Schrute: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.
Michael Scott: I don't know, I don't know about that.
Andy Bernard: Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting.
Dwight Schrute: Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent.
Dwight Schrute: Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.
Andy Bernard: (snaps fingers) I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.
Michael Scott: Hold on, hold on! Just-
Andy Bernard: No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.
Michael Scott: All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone.
Andy Bernard: Well you're gonna have to. (overlaps) Dwight: We'll be right beside you.
Michael Scott: (Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on) What are you wearing? Who's Pat?
Andy Bernard: Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.
Dwight Schrute: Do you know how to use it?
Andy Bernard: To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it.
Michael Scott: Let's go, come on. (whispers) God!
Andy Bernard: Should I change?
Dwight Schrute: You're wearing loafers!
Michael Scott: Forget it! Forget it!
Michael Scott: (Andy is playing with the tire iron) Take that thing off the table! Please!
Andy Bernard: Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it.
Dwight Schrute: Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.
Andy Bernard: Oh! God! (smacks roaches)
Michael Scott: Oh my God!
Dwight Schrute: You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-
Michael Scott: Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.
Michael Scott: Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.
Grotti: Hi. Angelo Grotti.
Grotti: So, you got this table?
Grotti: This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing.
Grotti: Waitress, we're gonna sit over here.
Kevin Malone: (answers phone) Hello.
Credit card rep: Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin Malone: Oh man, do you think it was stolen?
Rep: First would you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin Malone: Um, yes. (looks at Jim's pay stub) Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA
Rep: And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?
Kevin Malone: Six-six-five-zero.
Rep: Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Kevin Malone: Wait a minute. Yes I am.
Rep: I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Kevin Malone: No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Rep: Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away.
Rep: Have a nice day, and thank you!
Grotti: If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy.
Dwight Schrute: Oh he's not that nice.
Michael Scott: That's not true.
Andy Bernard: Hmm. Very true.
Michael Scott: Okay shut up.
Waitress: Have you decided?
Grotti: Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress: Okay then. And for you sir?
Michael Scott: I will have the gabba-gool.
Michael Scott: The gabba-gool.
Waitress: I don't really know what that is.
Andy Bernard: (with Soprano's inflection) You know, gabba-gool.
Michael Scott: I don't, I don't have to have that.
Dwight Schrute: What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool.
Michael Scott: Guys, guys-
Waitress: I don't really think that we have that.
Michael Scott: That's okay.
Dwight Schrute: Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael Scott: Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad.
Michael Scott: If the salad is on top, I send it back.
Oscar Martinez: Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?
Kevin Malone: I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone.
Oscar Martinez: This constitutes identity fraud.
Kevin Malone: Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you.
Oscar Martinez: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin Malone: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail.
Oscar Martinez: Why would I love jail?
Kevin Malone: Because... You would love it.
Michael Scott: I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
Grotti: Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.
Andy Bernard: Maybe we have a plan for you?
Grotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and (drops hand loudly on table) Think about it.
Woman: (approaches with child) Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?
Woman: My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?
Michael Scott: No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad.
Grotti: Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!
Woman: Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
Michael Scott: Hey, do you need any help?
Grotti: I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down.
Michael Scott: He's a good mechanic.
Michael Scott: I don't...
Dwight Schrute: He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay okay.
Dwight Schrute: So we're choosing...
Michael Scott: Yep, all right.
Dwight Schrute: Check out Dental?
Michael Scott: Put it down.
Andy Bernard: Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down.
Kid: He seems bad at this.
Andy Bernard: You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. (Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off) Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube.
Andy Bernard: So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. (Andy walks away, woman is exasperated)
Grotti: Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. (Andy clears throat loudly) You okay, Pat?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of.
Grotti: Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?
Andy Bernard: It was before, my tech- my technical training.
Dwight Schrute: Don't do it!
Andy Bernard: Just do it.
Grotti: Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?
Dwight Schrute: I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?
Michael Scott: It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
Andy Bernard: You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you.
Michael Scott: I had to make a snap decision Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.
Michael Scott: It was a lot of snap decisions.
Dwight Schrute: Do you know what "snap decision" means?
Dwight Schrute: It means like this. (snaps fingers)
Michael Scott: Just get in the car.
Michael Scott: Oh thank God.
Jim Halpert: How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran.
Michael Scott: It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.
Jim Halpert: That sounds bad.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend.
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna help you through it all right?
Jim Halpert: All you're gonna need to (faking a bad connection) and- it- and then go to--
Michael Scott: Jim? Are you?
Jim Halpert: And then you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.
Jim Halpert: Just (drops) and then you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!
Michael Scott: No! Oh my God!
Jim Halpert: And you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!
Jim Halpert: I (drops out) at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again.
Michael Scott: Jim?!? (dial tone) Oh my God.
Michael Scott: Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?
Oscar Martinez: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.
Michael Scott: Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?
Oscar Martinez: Just- no. No.
Michael Scott: All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault.
Andy Bernard: He's alive. So you're welcome.
Dwight Schrute: Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, some of that existed before.
Dwight Schrute: Not the living in fear, that's new.
Andy Bernard: You're right, that is new.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Andy Bernard: Well I don't see that happening.
Dwight Schrute: Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Andy Bernard: Are you saying-
Andy Bernard: That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?
Dwight Schrute: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!
Andy Bernard: That seems a little far-fetched.
Dwight Schrute: Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened.
Dwight Schrute: Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.
Michael Scott: No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works.
Andy Bernard: No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean.
Dwight Schrute: It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.
Andy Bernard: Class act. Boy scout.
Michael Scott: But Grotti acts like he's mafia though.
Andy Bernard: He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman.
Dwight Schrute: And he made us all look like chumps!
Michael Scott: This is Scott.
Grotti: Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now.
Michael Scott: Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Grotti: I, I thought you'd be pleased.
Michael Scott: Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd.
Michael Scott: I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.
Grotti: I don't get it. How was I scaring you?
Michael Scott: I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
Andy Bernard: Whoa. Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Okay that's-
Michael Scott: And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance.
Dwight Schrute: That's good, let's wrap it up.
Michael Scott: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?
Grotti: Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?
Michael Scott: Doubt it. (disconnects call)
Dwight & Andy: (relaxing) Oh man.
Michael Scott: What a tool. (Dwight and Andy exchange looks) What?
Andy Bernard: Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!
Michael Scott: No. What do you mean?
Dwight Schrute: We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared.
Dwight Schrute: You successfully backed down the mob!
Andy Bernard: You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!
Michael Scott: Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not.
Michael Scott: So I looked him in the eye and I said, "Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead." I said something like that.
Dwight Schrute: Very close.
Oscar Martinez: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.
Michael Scott: Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back.
Michael Scott: Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back.
Erin Hannon: How do you return coffee?
Michael Scott: Go. Any questions?
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Are you kidding me?
Kevin Malone: Hi Pam, is Jim there?
Pam Beesly: Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!
Kevin Malone: Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi.
Pam Beesly: Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.
Kevin Malone: Cool. Okay. (Pam hangs up) Bye.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 6. Mafia is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.