Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Lover

Vol. 6 · Issue 6Scranton, PA

Michael Scott dating Pam’s mom is even more awkward than you remember, especially once the "Frank and Beans" honeymoon phase ends. Every line from the episode is laid out here, so you can follow along with Pam’s total meltdown in the parking lot. It’s the complete script for those who need to see Michael promise to date Helene even harder.

Scene 01

7 lines
Erin Hannon
They're back!
Kevin Malone
Oooh yeah... (people chuckle) Jim and Pam!
Kelly Kapoor
How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?
Jim Halpert
It was.
Pam Beesly
It really was.
Jim Halpert
Really was.
Kelly Kapoor
(voice cracks) I'm so happy for you...

Scene 02

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Puerto Rico was awesome.
Pam Beesly
Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot.
Jim Halpert
(goofy voice) Frank and Beans. (laughs) Always makes her laugh.
Pam Beesly
(goofy voice) Frank and beans!

Scene 03

11 lines
Michael Scott
Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Michael Scott
Is someone there? I can't see you because I'm blind.
Dwight Schrute
Its Jim and Pam, Michael.
Michael Scott
(gasps) It is?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah...
Michael Scott
They're back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! (reaching out with hands at chest level)
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Michael Scott
And oh, Jim...
Pam Beesly
Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, I haven't see you since my accident that I had when I fell- I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy.

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him. (groans)

Scene 05

7 lines
Meredith Palmer
So what'd you bring us?
Pam Beesly
Some candy.
Meredith Palmer
What else?
Pam Beesly
That's it.
Meredith Palmer
Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding.
Michael Scott
(behind Pam, acting out blind-guy, groaning)
Pam Beesly
It's good to be home.

Scene 06

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Jim Halpert
Do we have a conversation scheduled?
Dwight Schrute
Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two... I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... (high voice, holding up wooden mallard) con-quack-ulations!
Jim Halpert
Wow, that's... really thoughtful of you, Dwight, thank you.
Dwight Schrute
(duck voice) You're welcome! (quacks, laughs)

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.

Scene 08

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
Jim Halpert
It's a real handsome duck.
Dwight Schrute
Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.

Scene 09

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Erin Hannon
Hi!
Pam Beesly
Uh, we brought back some Puerto Rican candy.
Erin Hannon
Coco Leche! That's my favorite!
Pam Beesly
Awesome! I'll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it.
Erin Hannon
Oh, um, let me just check with Michael first.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) I think it'll be okay.
Erin Hannon
(laughs) I think it will too, but I'll just check with him, though.
Pam Beesly
Great.
Erin Hannon
Oops, sorry. (slides candy back to Pam) Oops.

Scene 10

33 lines
Michael Scott
I have recently taken a lover.
Jim Halpert
Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?
Michael Scott
Pam's mom.
Jim Halpert
What?
Michael Scott
Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?
Jim Halpert
You're messing with me.
Michael Scott
About what?
Jim Halpert
You did not have sex with Pam's mom.
Michael Scott
Oh, big time.
Jim Halpert
What kind of car does she drive?
Michael Scott
She drives a green camry.
Jim Halpert
(expletive)
Michael Scott
And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God. (Michael bangs the table) Oh my God.
Michael Scott
(laughs) What?
Jim Halpert
Okay, never tell Pam, and secondly-
Michael Scott
Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright?
Jim Halpert
Oh my God.
Toby Flenderson
(walks in) Hey, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Not now, Toby, my God!
Toby Flenderson
Oh, Jesus!
Michael Scott
Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby Flenderson
What did I do?
Jim Halpert
Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again.
Michael Scott
I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.
Jim Halpert
No, not more than anything.
Michael Scott
Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-
Jim Halpert
Don't call her "the mom."
Michael Scott
She's right on my way home from work.
Jim Halpert
Then take a different way home, man!
Michael Scott
I di- alright, I'll take surface streets, its- the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam.
Jim Halpert
Okay, so we're good.
Michael Scott
Yeah.

Scene 11

4 lines
Michael Scott
Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?
Erin Hannon
Sure. Oh, is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico?
Michael Scott
Sure. Thanks for asking.
Erin Hannon
Pam, we're all set. (Pam places candy on Erin's desk) Yum.

Scene 12

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Frank and beans!
Pam Beesly
Frank and beans! (both laugh) So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?
Jim Halpert
You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?
Pam Beesly
Bottle of rum it is. (takes package out of bag) Alright, shall we?
Jim Halpert
You know what, I am really slammed, trying to catch up on everything here and I know that Michael's slammed too. So, maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy.
Pam Beesly
Come on, it'll take two seconds.
Jim Halpert
No, it- (high-pitched feedback as Jim starts to leave, feedback changes as he moves, turns over the mallard to see the listening devics, sighs, places mallard back on the desk)

Scene 13

36 lines
Michael Scott
(unwraps rum gift) Oh, wow.
Pam Beesly
(giggles)
Michael Scott
That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.
Erin Hannon
Michael, you're all set at Botticelli's. I changed the reservation to two people.
Michael Scott
Erin, look. (holds up parrot rum bottle)
Erin Hannon
Fun!
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Wow, Botticelli's, that sounds like a special occasion.
Michael Scott
Yeah, no, it's nobody.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) I don't know. I think Michael has a date.
Michael Scott
(chuckles) Hmm... no.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) I think you have a date.
Michael Scott
I don't.
Pam Beesly
Come on.
Jim Halpert
Uh, I think we should just drop it... 'cause obviously he doesn't want to talk about it.
Michael Scott
(sighs) I don't deserve this, guys.
Jim Halpert
Yes, you do.
Michael Scott
No, I don't.
Jim Halpert
Just take the parrot.
Michael Scott
(long exhale)
Jim Halpert
Okay, back to the old grind.
Michael Scott
I was probably going to break up with her anyway.
Pam Beesly
Oh, that's too bad.
Jim Halpert
Don't-
Michael Scott
Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here.
Jim Halpert
Sounds complicated.
Michael Scott
It is.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes.
Michael Scott
You want me to be happy?
Pam Beesly
Of course.
Michael Scott
Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine.
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Michael Scott
More than a friend, a co-worker.
Pam Beesly
Oh! Gossip, who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? ...Who?
Michael Scott
It's okay.
Pam Beesly
No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo!

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.

Scene 15

8 lines
Pam Beesly
(screams out in the parking lot, Michael watches from his office window)
Dwight Schrute
(to Michael) You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?
Michael Scott
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...
Michael Scott
(sighs) Feels good.
Dwight Schrute
There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
Michael Scott
I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.
Dwight Schrute
...the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.

Scene 16

5 lines
Pam Beesly
(outside, on cell phone) How could you do this to me? He's my boss! How many times have I complained about him to you? No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!
Jim Halpert
(singsong voice) Who wants a hot chocolate?
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Jim Halpert
(sighs) Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I played it just right I can get Dwight to play out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam Beesly
You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

Scene 17

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Andy, can I talk to you for a second?
Andy Bernard
Sure thing, Tuna Boss.

Scene 18

1 line
Jim Halpert
(holding up a sign that reads, "Dwight picked the wrong day to put a wooden mallard in my office")

Scene 19

11 lines
Andy Bernard
(in Jim's office) How may I be of service to you?
Jim Halpert
I am gonna need your advice (starts playing loud opera music, everyone can hear it, Creed starts crying) I was thinking about getting this opera for Dwight's birthday, what do you think?
Andy Bernard
(both look at Dwight, Jim waves) This aurea is a joke.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Andy Bernard
What are you thinking?
Jim Halpert
I was gonna go with this one.
Andy Bernard
(both look at Dwight who is standing right outside the office) Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.
Dwight Schrute
(Andy gets up and leaves the office) The Nard Dog... what was that all about?
Andy Bernard
I know, right?
Dwight Schrute
What were you talking about in there?
Andy Bernard
Trust me it would only make you mad. (opera continues, Dwight looks at Jim standing outside his office, waves, Jim waves back)

Scene 20

57 lines
Michael Scott
(in the conference room leading a meeting) Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
Andy Bernard
Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?
Michael Scott
That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.
Pam Beesly
Haha! Ha ha ha.
Jim Halpert
And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice. (everyone claps and makes comments)
Michael Scott
Who wants to help the world one step at a time? (Dwight raises his hand) Alright, good.
Dwight Schrute
Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.
Michael Scott
Alright, that's...
Meredith Palmer
Paint a mural of Chicano leaders.
Michael Scott
Alright...
Pam Beesly
I have a way to make Scranton a better place, you could leave it. (laughter)
Michael Scott
Okay, I'm out of here, (pretends to leave) see you later guys...
Various
Get out and stay out, bye...
Michael Scott
Ok, oh no here's an idea... conservation...
Pam Beesly
I love it, conservation. Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. (stands up and cheers) No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! (Stanley cheers her on in the background)
Michael Scott
Anybody else? Who else has an idea?
Angela Martin
I have some ideas about conservation...
Jim Halpert
Yes! Angela! Please...
Michael Scott
(Michael leaves to answer his phone) Can you hold down the fort? (on phone) Hey boo!
Angela Martin
Thank you. Sure well first of all I think that we could totally...
Michael Scott
(on phone) What's it... why are you crying?
Jim Halpert
Yes! I think we should look into that. If you could just speak up louder...
Kevin Malone
(to Angela) Shhhh...
Angela Martin
Well, for our profit...
Kevin Malone
(to Angela) Shhh...
Michael Scott
(on phone) No, no, no, I'll talk to her. I will... No... nobody talks to my baby that way... uh ah... yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. Alright, by pickle.
Kevin Malone
Who's pickle?
Michael Scott
(hangs up phone and walks back into conference room) Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now.
Angela Martin
I'm sorry, I was told I had the floor.
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Oscar Martinez
Hold on, hold on, what's going on?
Jim Halpert
Nothing... nothing at all... it's all good!
Pam Beesly
I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology.
Michael Scott
For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Pam Beesly
Don't call my mother your lover.
Kevin Malone
Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
Andy Bernard
That is not okay dude.
Michael Scott
Alright, in my defense...
Phyllis Vance
Disgusting...
Creed Bratton
She's messed up man...
Pam Beesly
Yes! Thank you, welcome to my personal hell!
Oscar Martinez
You have no sense of boundaries Michael.
Michael Scott
Shut up Oscar. Hey, alright, you know what, clearly I'm outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please? What is so wrong about me? I'm caring, I'm generous, I'm sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness.
Phyllis Vance
Good luck Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for.
Oscar Martinez
Maybe you're right, who are we to...
Pam Beesly
Shut up Oscar. What is wrong with all of you, he is sleeping with my mother!
Dwight Schrute
I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Michael Scott
Let's get back to the matter at hand.
Pam Beesly
Whatever, you know, sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody's mom...
Michael Scott
No, no, no... no, no...
Ryan Howard
Whoa, that's my mother you're talking about...
Michael Scott
I don't like the tone here... this is a place of business, you are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
Pam Beesly
Uhh, huh, ho... oooh my God, you are ridiculous!
Michael Scott
Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.
Pam Beesly
You are never going to be my father, you get out!
Michael Scott
I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am...
Pam Beesly
Me too...

Scene 21

7 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey. (walks up to Oscar and hands him a report to sign)
Oscar Martinez
Hey.
Angela Martin
(in a sing-songy voice) Pam, how's your day going?
Oscar Martinez
Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a little bit, your mom's old enough to make her own decisions.
Pam Beesly
Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom?
Oscar Martinez
My mother's in a wheelchair.
Pam Beesly
Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that... Oh could I just get you to sign this second page.

Scene 22

21 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(Dwight listening in his ear piece) Ryan, I have to ask you a personal question. Do you think that I should get a Fedora?
Ryan Howard
Ahh, I don't think so, no...
Kelly Kapoor
Well, I think I'd look really hot in one. Where'd you get your fedora?
Ryan Howard
I'd rather not say.
Kelly Kapoor
I think I'm gonna get the same fedora as you.
Erin Hannon
Hi Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
(Dwight storms through the break room listening to Kelly and Ryan in his ear piece) Shh!
Ryan Howard
(Ryan and Kelly talking) ...it should go with the persona you already have.
Kelly Kapoor
Well, I think I have that persona.
Dwight Schrute
Where did you get that mallard?
Kelly Kapoor
What the hell is a mallard?
Dwight Schrute
That!
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.
Kelly Kapoor
If you take it back, I'll scream.
Dwight Schrute
(sighs heavily) I'll give you five bucks for it.
Ryan Howard
Twenty.
Dwight Schrute
Ten.
Ryan Howard
Deal. (pays Ryan and takes the mallard back)
Kelly Kapoor
(to Ryan) You're so cool.
Ryan Howard
This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.

Scene 23

14 lines
Michael Scott
(walks into Toby's office) Hey Toby, could I talk to you for a minute?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, sure, what's up?
Michael Scott
Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier that was... uncalled for, I'm sorry.
Toby Flenderson
Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot. Thank you for saying it.
Michael Scott
Can I sit down for a second?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, er... pull up a chair or sit on the shredder.
Michael Scott
This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation.
Toby Flenderson
Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the work place.
Michael Scott
She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.
Toby Flenderson
Ok, I mean, I could talk to her.
Michael Scott
Really? Would you do that?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah... that's why they pay me the big bucks. (both laugh)
Michael Scott
(hugs Toby, who smiles big) You're a good, good guy.
Toby Flenderson
I'm good...

Scene 24

1 line
Toby Flenderson
You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.

Scene 25

28 lines
Toby Flenderson
(walks up to Pam's desk with a binder) Hey Pam, could I talk to you for a sec?
Pam Beesly
Sure, what's up?
Toby Flenderson
Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened today, it would be a good idea if today, you, me, and Michael could head into the conference room for some conflict resolution.
Pam Beesly
(to Michael) What's the matter, you can't fight your own battles?
Michael Scott
No... that's...
Toby Flenderson
Maybe you could just take the rest of the day off... you know...
Pam Beesly
(to Michael) Oh, would that make you feel better?
Michael Scott
I don't... um... I can't hear your conversation.
Pam Beesly
You can tell Michael that I'm not leaving.
Toby Flenderson
(gets up and puts a hand on Michael's shoulder) Buddy, I think that...
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah, yeah-okay... you're a jackass. (to Pam) Hey, hey, you know what? You're just as stubborn as your mother, when you don't wanna do something you just don't do it.
Stanley Hudson
Heh, heh, heh.
Pam Beesly
Michael, you're just her rebound!
Michael Scott
You were right Jim, shoulda listened to you, should never have told her.
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) What! You knew?
Jim Halpert
Barely, I... I don't have all the facts. Frank and Bean...
Michael Scott
(Pam storms into break room) Okay, do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will.
Pam Beesly
Mmmmm, yes!
Michael Scott
Well, that is not gonna happen!
Pam Beesly
Then why'd you even offer!?
Michael Scott
Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
Pam Beesly
Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh(beep) about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!
Michael Scott
You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Pam Beesly
What's that supposed to mean?
Michael Scott
You know what it means.
Jim Halpert
(Pam storms out of the break room) Hey...
Pam Beesly
Shut it!
Jim Halpert
Yep...

Scene 26

1 line
Michael Scott
I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam's mom, my aunt... although she just blocked me on IM, what's her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.

Scene 27

12 lines
Jim Halpert
(walks into his office and sees the mallard back on his desk) Dwight, you brought the mallard back.
Dwight Schrute
Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even...
Jim Halpert
(speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight) Hi buddy.
Dwight Schrute
(walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece) I'm sorry.
Jim Halpert
A wooden duck?
Dwight Schrute
Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Jim Halpert
Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this and you are not equipped for espionage...
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I'm equipped... I can...
Jim Halpert
Silence.
Dwight Schrute
Don't tell Michael...
Jim Halpert
I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car.
Dwight Schrute
Punishment fits the crime, I accept. (shakes Jim's hand and leaves)

Scene 28

3 lines
Michael Scott
(leaving his office with his rum) Night everyone. Night Pam, thanks again for the rum.
Erin Hannon
Night Michael.
Michael Scott
Night Erin.

Scene 29

11 lines
Jim Halpert
(in the conference room) Hey Pam, can I see you for a second? So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So he generously offered to wash our car.
Pam Beesly
(looking out the window at Dwight washing the car) Awww, he did that for me?
Jim Halpert
Yes, he did. You know what was nice, nights swimming in Bayou bay.
Pam Beesly
Mmmm.
Jim Halpert
(Michael is seen debating on whether to come back in to the office) Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?
Pam Beesly
Haha, yeah. Say more nice things.
Jim Halpert
Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it and Frank and Beans!
Pam Beesly
Maybe I'm overreacting.
Jim Halpert
Yeah... maybe.
Pam Beesly
But I don't think I am.
Jim Halpert
You're not, nope. Nope.

Scene 30

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(Ryan is walking out of the office ahead of him) Oh... where'd you get that hat?
Ryan Howard
I'd rather not say.

Scene 31

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(walks into Jims office, twists the top of the pen that he placed in Jim's pen holder which has a bug in it, pushes play) (Jim's voice) "We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our..." (pauses recording) I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. (starts the recording again) "...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer."