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Season 6 Episode 6
The Lover

Every line from The Office episode "The Lover", season 6 episode 6.

Erin Hannon: They're back!
Kevin Malone: Oooh yeah... (people chuckle) Jim and Pam!
Kelly Kapoor: How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?
Jim Halpert: It was.
Pam Beesly: It really was.
Jim Halpert: Really was.
Kelly Kapoor: (voice cracks) I'm so happy for you...
Jim Halpert: Puerto Rico was awesome.
Pam Beesly: Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot.
Jim Halpert: (goofy voice) Frank and Beans. (laughs) Always makes her laugh.
Pam Beesly: (goofy voice) Frank and beans!
Michael Scott: Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Is someone there? I can't see you because I'm blind.
Dwight Schrute: Its Jim and Pam, Michael.
Michael Scott: (gasps) It is?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah...
Michael Scott: They're back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! (reaching out with hands at chest level)
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Michael Scott: And oh, Jim...
Pam Beesly: Hi, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, I haven't see you since my accident that I had when I fell- I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy.
Michael Scott: Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him. (groans)
Meredith Palmer: So what'd you bring us?
Pam Beesly: Some candy.
Meredith Palmer: What else?
Pam Beesly: That's it.
Meredith Palmer: Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding.
Michael Scott: (behind Pam, acting out blind-guy, groaning)
Pam Beesly: It's good to be home.
Dwight Schrute: This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Jim Halpert: Do we have a conversation scheduled?
Dwight Schrute: Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two... I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... (high voice, holding up wooden mallard) con-quack-ulations!
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's... really thoughtful of you, Dwight, thank you.
Dwight Schrute: (duck voice) You're welcome! (quacks, laughs)
Dwight Schrute: I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
Jim Halpert: It's a real handsome duck.
Dwight Schrute: Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair.
Pam Beesly: Hey!
Erin Hannon: Hi!
Pam Beesly: Uh, we brought back some Puerto Rican candy.
Erin Hannon: Coco Leche! That's my favorite!
Pam Beesly: Awesome! I'll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it.
Erin Hannon: Oh, um, let me just check with Michael first.
Pam Beesly: (laughs) I think it'll be okay.
Erin Hannon: (laughs) I think it will too, but I'll just check with him, though.
Pam Beesly: Great.
Erin Hannon: Oops, sorry. (slides candy back to Pam) Oops.
Michael Scott: I have recently taken a lover.
Jim Halpert: Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?
Michael Scott: Pam's mom.
Jim Halpert: What?
Michael Scott: Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?
Jim Halpert: You're messing with me.
Michael Scott: About what?
Jim Halpert: You did not have sex with Pam's mom.
Michael Scott: Oh, big time.
Jim Halpert: What kind of car does she drive?
Michael Scott: She drives a green camry.
Jim Halpert: (expletive)
Michael Scott: And the seats go all the way down. All the way down.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God. (Michael bangs the table) Oh my God.
Michael Scott: (laughs) What?
Jim Halpert: Okay, never tell Pam, and secondly-
Michael Scott: Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright?
Jim Halpert: Oh my God.
Toby Flenderson: (walks in) Hey, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Not now, Toby, my God!
Toby Flenderson: Oh, Jesus!
Michael Scott: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby Flenderson: What did I do?
Jim Halpert: Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again.
Michael Scott: I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.
Jim Halpert: No, not more than anything.
Michael Scott: Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-
Jim Halpert: Don't call her "the mom."
Michael Scott: She's right on my way home from work.
Jim Halpert: Then take a different way home, man!
Michael Scott: I di- alright, I'll take surface streets, its- the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so we're good.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?
Erin Hannon: Sure. Oh, is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico?
Michael Scott: Sure. Thanks for asking.
Erin Hannon: Pam, we're all set. (Pam places candy on Erin's desk) Yum.
Jim Halpert: Frank and beans!
Pam Beesly: Frank and beans! (both laugh) So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?
Jim Halpert: You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?
Pam Beesly: Bottle of rum it is. (takes package out of bag) Alright, shall we?
Jim Halpert: You know what, I am really slammed, trying to catch up on everything here and I know that Michael's slammed too. So, maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy.
Pam Beesly: Come on, it'll take two seconds.
Jim Halpert: No, it- (high-pitched feedback as Jim starts to leave, feedback changes as he moves, turns over the mallard to see the listening devics, sighs, places mallard back on the desk)
Michael Scott: (unwraps rum gift) Oh, wow.
Pam Beesly: (giggles)
Michael Scott: That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.
Erin Hannon: Michael, you're all set at Botticelli's. I changed the reservation to two people.
Michael Scott: Erin, look. (holds up parrot rum bottle)
Erin Hannon: Fun!
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Wow, Botticelli's, that sounds like a special occasion.
Michael Scott: Yeah, no, it's nobody.
Pam Beesly: (laughs) I don't know. I think Michael has a date.
Michael Scott: (chuckles) Hmm... no.
Pam Beesly: (laughs) I think you have a date.
Michael Scott: I don't.
Pam Beesly: Come on.
Jim Halpert: Uh, I think we should just drop it... 'cause obviously he doesn't want to talk about it.
Michael Scott: (sighs) I don't deserve this, guys.
Jim Halpert: Yes, you do.
Michael Scott: No, I don't.
Jim Halpert: Just take the parrot.
Michael Scott: (long exhale)
Jim Halpert: Okay, back to the old grind.
Michael Scott: I was probably going to break up with her anyway.
Pam Beesly: Oh, that's too bad.
Jim Halpert: Don't-
Michael Scott: Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here.
Jim Halpert: Sounds complicated.
Michael Scott: It is.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes.
Michael Scott: You want me to be happy?
Pam Beesly: Of course.
Michael Scott: Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Michael Scott: More than a friend, a co-worker.
Pam Beesly: Oh! Gossip, who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? ...Who?
Michael Scott: It's okay.
Pam Beesly: No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo!
Michael Scott: That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset.
Pam Beesly: (screams out in the parking lot, Michael watches from his office window)
Dwight Schrute: (to Michael) You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down...
Michael Scott: (sighs) Feels good.
Dwight Schrute: There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down...
Michael Scott: I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner.
Dwight Schrute: ...the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.
Pam Beesly: (outside, on cell phone) How could you do this to me? He's my boss! How many times have I complained about him to you? No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!
Jim Halpert: (singsong voice) Who wants a hot chocolate?
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Jim Halpert: (sighs) Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I played it just right I can get Dwight to play out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam Beesly: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.
Jim Halpert: Andy, can I talk to you for a second?
Andy Bernard: Sure thing, Tuna Boss.
Jim Halpert: (holding up a sign that reads, "Dwight picked the wrong day to put a wooden mallard in my office")
Andy Bernard: (in Jim's office) How may I be of service to you?
Jim Halpert: I am gonna need your advice (starts playing loud opera music, everyone can hear it, Creed starts crying) I was thinking about getting this opera for Dwight's birthday, what do you think?
Andy Bernard: (both look at Dwight, Jim waves) This aurea is a joke.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Andy Bernard: What are you thinking?
Jim Halpert: I was gonna go with this one.
Andy Bernard: (both look at Dwight who is standing right outside the office) Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better.
Dwight Schrute: (Andy gets up and leaves the office) The Nard Dog... what was that all about?
Andy Bernard: I know, right?
Dwight Schrute: What were you talking about in there?
Andy Bernard: Trust me it would only make you mad. (opera continues, Dwight looks at Jim standing outside his office, waves, Jim waves back)
Michael Scott: (in the conference room leading a meeting) Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
Andy Bernard: Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?
Michael Scott: That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.
Pam Beesly: Haha! Ha ha ha.
Jim Halpert: And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice. (everyone claps and makes comments)
Michael Scott: Who wants to help the world one step at a time? (Dwight raises his hand) Alright, good.
Dwight Schrute: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.
Michael Scott: Alright, that's...
Meredith Palmer: Paint a mural of Chicano leaders.
Michael Scott: Alright...
Pam Beesly: I have a way to make Scranton a better place, you could leave it. (laughter)
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm out of here, (pretends to leave) see you later guys...
Various: Get out and stay out, bye...
Michael Scott: Ok, oh no here's an idea... conservation...
Pam Beesly: I love it, conservation. Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. (stands up and cheers) No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! (Stanley cheers her on in the background)
Michael Scott: Anybody else? Who else has an idea?
Angela Martin: I have some ideas about conservation...
Jim Halpert: Yes! Angela! Please...
Michael Scott: (Michael leaves to answer his phone) Can you hold down the fort? (on phone) Hey boo!
Angela Martin: Thank you. Sure well first of all I think that we could totally...
Michael Scott: (on phone) What's it... why are you crying?
Jim Halpert: Yes! I think we should look into that. If you could just speak up louder...
Kevin Malone: (to Angela) Shhhh...
Angela Martin: Well, for our profit...
Kevin Malone: (to Angela) Shhh...
Michael Scott: (on phone) No, no, no, I'll talk to her. I will... No... nobody talks to my baby that way... uh ah... yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. Alright, by pickle.
Kevin Malone: Who's pickle?
Michael Scott: (hangs up phone and walks back into conference room) Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now.
Angela Martin: I'm sorry, I was told I had the floor.
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Oscar Martinez: Hold on, hold on, what's going on?
Jim Halpert: Nothing... nothing at all... it's all good!
Pam Beesly: I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology.
Michael Scott: For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Pam Beesly: Don't call my mother your lover.
Kevin Malone: Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
Andy Bernard: That is not okay dude.
Michael Scott: Alright, in my defense...
Phyllis Vance: Disgusting...
Creed Bratton: She's messed up man...
Pam Beesly: Yes! Thank you, welcome to my personal hell!
Oscar Martinez: You have no sense of boundaries Michael.
Michael Scott: Shut up Oscar. Hey, alright, you know what, clearly I'm outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please? What is so wrong about me? I'm caring, I'm generous, I'm sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness.
Phyllis Vance: Good luck Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for.
Oscar Martinez: Maybe you're right, who are we to...
Pam Beesly: Shut up Oscar. What is wrong with all of you, he is sleeping with my mother!
Dwight Schrute: I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Michael Scott: Let's get back to the matter at hand.
Pam Beesly: Whatever, you know, sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody's mom...
Michael Scott: No, no, no... no, no...
Ryan Howard: Whoa, that's my mother you're talking about...
Michael Scott: I don't like the tone here... this is a place of business, you are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
Pam Beesly: Uhh, huh, ho... oooh my God, you are ridiculous!
Michael Scott: Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.
Pam Beesly: You are never going to be my father, you get out!
Michael Scott: I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am...
Pam Beesly: Me too...
Pam Beesly: Hey. (walks up to Oscar and hands him a report to sign)
Oscar Martinez: Hey.
Angela Martin: (in a sing-songy voice) Pam, how's your day going?
Oscar Martinez: Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a little bit, your mom's old enough to make her own decisions.
Pam Beesly: Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom?
Oscar Martinez: My mother's in a wheelchair.
Pam Beesly: Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that... Oh could I just get you to sign this second page.
Kelly Kapoor: (Dwight listening in his ear piece) Ryan, I have to ask you a personal question. Do you think that I should get a Fedora?
Ryan Howard: Ahh, I don't think so, no...
Kelly Kapoor: Well, I think I'd look really hot in one. Where'd you get your fedora?
Ryan Howard: I'd rather not say.
Kelly Kapoor: I think I'm gonna get the same fedora as you.
Erin Hannon: Hi Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: (Dwight storms through the break room listening to Kelly and Ryan in his ear piece) Shh!
Ryan Howard: (Ryan and Kelly talking) should go with the persona you already have.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, I think I have that persona.
Dwight Schrute: Where did you get that mallard?
Kelly Kapoor: What the hell is a mallard?
Dwight Schrute: That!
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back.
Kelly Kapoor: If you take it back, I'll scream.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs heavily) I'll give you five bucks for it.
Ryan Howard: Twenty.
Dwight Schrute: Ten.
Ryan Howard: Deal. (pays Ryan and takes the mallard back)
Kelly Kapoor: (to Ryan) You're so cool.
Ryan Howard: This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.
Michael Scott: (walks into Toby's office) Hey Toby, could I talk to you for a minute?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, sure, what's up?
Michael Scott: Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier that was... uncalled for, I'm sorry.
Toby Flenderson: Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot. Thank you for saying it.
Michael Scott: Can I sit down for a second?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, er... pull up a chair or sit on the shredder.
Michael Scott: This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation.
Toby Flenderson: Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the work place.
Michael Scott: She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.
Toby Flenderson: Ok, I mean, I could talk to her.
Michael Scott: Really? Would you do that?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah... that's why they pay me the big bucks. (both laugh)
Michael Scott: (hugs Toby, who smiles big) You're a good, good guy.
Toby Flenderson: I'm good...
Toby Flenderson: You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends.
Toby Flenderson: (walks up to Pam's desk with a binder) Hey Pam, could I talk to you for a sec?
Pam Beesly: Sure, what's up?
Toby Flenderson: Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened today, it would be a good idea if today, you, me, and Michael could head into the conference room for some conflict resolution.
Pam Beesly: (to Michael) What's the matter, you can't fight your own battles?
Michael Scott: No... that's...
Toby Flenderson: Maybe you could just take the rest of the day off... you know...
Pam Beesly: (to Michael) Oh, would that make you feel better?
Michael Scott: I don't... um... I can't hear your conversation.
Pam Beesly: You can tell Michael that I'm not leaving.
Toby Flenderson: (gets up and puts a hand on Michael's shoulder) Buddy, I think that...
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah-okay... you're a jackass. (to Pam) Hey, hey, you know what? You're just as stubborn as your mother, when you don't wanna do something you just don't do it.
Stanley Hudson: Heh, heh, heh.
Pam Beesly: Michael, you're just her rebound!
Michael Scott: You were right Jim, shoulda listened to you, should never have told her.
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) What! You knew?
Jim Halpert: Barely, I... I don't have all the facts. Frank and Bean...
Michael Scott: (Pam storms into break room) Okay, do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will.
Pam Beesly: Mmmmm, yes!
Michael Scott: Well, that is not gonna happen!
Pam Beesly: Then why'd you even offer!?
Michael Scott: Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy.
Pam Beesly: Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh(beep) about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Pam Beesly: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael Scott: You know what it means.
Jim Halpert: (Pam storms out of the break room) Hey...
Pam Beesly: Shut it!
Jim Halpert: Yep...
Michael Scott: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam's mom, my aunt... although she just blocked me on IM, what's her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week.
Jim Halpert: (walks into his office and sees the mallard back on his desk) Dwight, you brought the mallard back.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even...
Jim Halpert: (speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight) Hi buddy.
Dwight Schrute: (walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece) I'm sorry.
Jim Halpert: A wooden duck?
Dwight Schrute: Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Jim Halpert: Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this and you are not equipped for espionage...
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I'm equipped... I can...
Jim Halpert: Silence.
Dwight Schrute: Don't tell Michael...
Jim Halpert: I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car.
Dwight Schrute: Punishment fits the crime, I accept. (shakes Jim's hand and leaves)
Michael Scott: (leaving his office with his rum) Night everyone. Night Pam, thanks again for the rum.
Erin Hannon: Night Michael.
Michael Scott: Night Erin.
Jim Halpert: (in the conference room) Hey Pam, can I see you for a second? So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So he generously offered to wash our car.
Pam Beesly: (looking out the window at Dwight washing the car) Awww, he did that for me?
Jim Halpert: Yes, he did. You know what was nice, nights swimming in Bayou bay.
Pam Beesly: Mmmm.
Jim Halpert: (Michael is seen debating on whether to come back in to the office) Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?
Pam Beesly: Haha, yeah. Say more nice things.
Jim Halpert: Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it and Frank and Beans!
Pam Beesly: Maybe I'm overreacting.
Jim Halpert: Yeah... maybe.
Pam Beesly: But I don't think I am.
Jim Halpert: You're not, nope. Nope.
Kevin Malone: (Ryan is walking out of the office ahead of him) Oh... where'd you get that hat?
Ryan Howard: I'd rather not say.
Dwight Schrute: (walks into Jims office, twists the top of the pen that he placed in Jim's pen holder which has a bug in it, pushes play) (Jim's voice) "We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our..." (pauses recording) I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. (starts the recording again) "...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer."

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 6 season 6. The Lover is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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