Every line from The Office episode "Koi Pond", season 6 episode 7.
Darryl Philbin: This is the spookiest warehouse in the world, kids. You don't believe me? Just take a look. (Kevin chops into Erin, who is dressed as Princess Fiona) Oh. Scary, huh? This is a surgery with an octopus and a burn victim.
Angela Martin: Black widow.
Kelly Kapoor: Lulu from The Fifth Element.
Darryl Philbin: Nobody told me what people were, alright? So... label yourselves or take what you get.
Creed Bratton: I want to sell your blood!
Ryan Howard: That's really not the trend in vampires right now.
Darryl Philbin: Here is an old man and a goth dude... and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell.
Meredith Palmer: I'm a hobo.
Darryl Philbin: I asked for a list. (Dwight rides in on a tricycle, laughing diabolically) ...and a clown.
Dwight Schrute: I'm Jigsaw, idiot.
Darryl Philbin: You're not as scary as Book Face, over there.
Jim Halpert: Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face.
Darryl Philbin: Ok, kids. You've all been so good and unbelievably patient so I think you are gonna get some candy!
Kids: Yeah! (a chair falls over, Michael is seen hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck - the kids scream)
Michael Scott: Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright?
Michael Scott: ...and then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Michael Scott: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
Jim Halpert: I bet we would.
Michael Scott: They have a TCBY booth.
Michael Scott: The same stuff you get downtown.
Michael Scott: Do you like TCBY?
Jim Halpert: Who doesn't?
Michael Scott: I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun
Erin Hannon: I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're expecting the both of you in an hour.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Actually, it's just gonna be me.
Erin Hannon: They said the both of you.
Jim Halpert: That is a mistake.
Michael Scott: You should give them a call. Check that out.
Jim Halpert: Alright. Let's clear this up. (on phone) Well, there's actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can- no. Nope. Why would that be a problem?
Jim Halpert: Great. See ya' then.
Michael Scott: Wha- what?
Jim Halpert: They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.
Michael Scott: Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.
Jim Halpert: I absolutely don't understand, either.
Michael Scott: I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. Alright.
Michael Scott: Let me get your stroller.
Michael Scott: What are you gonna call him?
Michael Scott: No. What is his name?
Michael Scott: Mr. Bourchard. They're very formal.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well... this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing?
Michael Scott: ...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.
Michael Scott: They are into style.
Michael Scott: They are into appearance. We are selling success.
Jim Halpert: ...and paper.
Michael Scott: That's sorta secondary. (offers Jim the watch again)
Pam Beesly: Here we are outside-
Pam Beesly: - the Wilkes-Barre Industrial Park.
Andy Bernard: Industrial P.! Makin' cold calls.
Pam Beesly: The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them.
Andy Bernard: (singing) Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.
Pam Beesly: Here it is. (Andy is still singing) Suite 401.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.
Pam Beesly: I know. Now you don't have to.
Andy Bernard: Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. (sings) Suite 401.
Michael Scott: Alright. Hi. Any messages?
Erin Hannon: You're soaking wet.
Michael Scott: Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning.
Phyllis Vance: Wow. Sounds scary.
Michael Scott: It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't.
Angela Martin: Why isn't Jim wet?
Jim Halpert: I outran it.
Meredith Palmer: I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Michael Scott: It rained.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?
Michael Scott: Nothing. Cocoa.
Jim Halpert: I'll just leave that suit in your office then.
Michael Scott: Good. Yep.
Secretary: Must be nice to have company on these cold calls.
Andy Bernard: We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. (points to Pam's tummy)
Secretary: How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet?
Pam Beesly: (Andy shakes his head 'no') Oh. No, no. (laughing) We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together.
Andy Bernard: (miffed) Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies.
Michael Scott: (phone rings) Yeah?
Erin Hannon: Michael, people are asking questions.
Michael Scott: Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?
Phyllis Vance: Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond?
Michael Scott: Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
Oscar Martinez: Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond?
Jim Halpert: Mmm... it's like Michael said. It was some- something else.
Michael Scott: It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
Angela Martin: So you fell in?
Michael Scott: No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela Martin: So a child had fallen in?
Kevin Malone: That is hilarious. (extends hand for a fist bump)
Michael Scott: No it is- don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. (Stanley laughs)
Pam Beesly: And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area.
Customer: Well that sounds like a really nice deal.
Customer: And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too.
Andy Bernard: Oh, wow. You thought that- oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not.
Customer: My mistake. Sorry.
Andy Bernard: Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not ok. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine.
Customer: That- that's good for you.
Pam Beesly: Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes.
Andy Bernard: Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like.
Pam Beesly: You were way meaner to me than I was to you.
Andy Bernard: No I wasn't. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.
Pam Beesly: You blew the sale, you idiot.
Andy Bernard: Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale.
Michael Scott: Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?
Erin Hannon: Staples? (Kevin clears his throat) Uh, David Wallace called.
Michael Scott: Oh. He did? What did he say?
Erin Hannon: He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it.
Kevin Malone: (whispers to Erin) I'm gonna kill you.
Stanley Hudson: Michael, don't listen to them.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: You just ignore their carp.
Dwight Schrute: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay.
Creed Bratton: Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?
Michael Scott: I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story.
Oscar Martinez: Don't you mean 'Koi Story'?
Phyllis Vance: And when you fell in, did you flounder?
Dwight Schrute: Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and -
Michael Scott: I know what a flounder is.
Michael Scott: The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance: Michael, you make fun of us every day.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. Every single day.
Michael Scott: You never said anything.
Meredith Palmer: Uh, we have. Countless times.
Michael Scott: Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop because I want you to stop' or STOP as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!'
Angela Martin: That's never the case.
Michael Scott: We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? (writes 'Koi pond' on the list) Ok. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Ok. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.
Dwight Schrute: I don't want people making fun of my nose.
Michael Scott: Your nose?
Dwight Schrute: It's too small.
Oscar Martinez: Oh my. That is small.
Dwight Schrute: Just, write it down, please.
Oscar Martinez: Can you breathe okay?
Kelly Kapoor: What keeps your glasses on?
Dwight Schrute: Hey! It's on the list, everybody.
Michael Scott: No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance.
Kevin Malone: I don't want people making fun of my weight.
Michael Scott: Ok. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yeah? (writes Huge Gut) Meredith?
Meredith Palmer: I don't want to say it out loud.
Michael Scott: Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.
Andy Bernard: That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it.
Keena Gifford: Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple.
Pam Beesly: Oh- (both look at each other and together say) Thank you.
Keena Gifford: Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do.
Pam Beesly: Well, you know.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-
Pam Beesly: He loves to eat.
Andy Bernard: I love to dance-
Pam Beesly: I love to watch him dance.
Andy Bernard: Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room-
Pam Beesly: And I'll just watch him.
Keena Gifford: And a baby on the way? You must be so excited.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. We are thrilled.
Andy Bernard: In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey?
Pam Beesly: It was, sweetie.
Keena Gifford: Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. On Clearview Avenue.
Angela Martin: This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel.
Phyllis Vance: So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal?
Erin Hannon: Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. (everyone shows remorse)
Michael Scott: It's a fish.
Erin Hannon: They want you to pay for it.
Michael Scott: It could've died of natural causes. So...
Erin Hannon: Well, they said you stepped on it's head. He did not suffer.
Oscar Martinez: When is the funeral?
Michael Scott: Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want?
Michael Scott: What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.
Creed Bratton: Oh, you're payin' way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy?
Jim Halpert: Ok. Great meeting, everybody. That's it.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you. (everyone begins to leave)
Michael Scott: No. We are not done here. This-
Andy Bernard: One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly wht the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick!
Keena Gifford: That's great!
Andy Bernard: Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, well, that'll happen.
Andy Bernard: Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too. (leans over and kisses Pam's belly)
Pam Beesly: Sometimes we're so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting.
Andy Bernard: Message received, little soy bean.
Jim Halpert: I think you just gotta ride this one out, man.
Michael Scott: No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'.
Jim Halpert: No, they don't.
Michael Scott: Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail.
Jim Halpert: Maybe if you make fun of yourself it'll all go away.
Michael Scott: I want to make fun of you right now.
Jim Halpert: Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball.
Michael Scott: No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? (everyone starts laughing) Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to.
Phyllis Vance: Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby?
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.
Michael Scott: It's ok. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to hrow me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. (Jim signals for making to stop) No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. (Michael begins to lose his cool) Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the friends- the five- the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. (realizing he's going downhill) Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice.
Kevin Malone: (watching Angela eat something) Enjoying your nut?
Kevin Malone: I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut.
Michael Scott: Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over.
Jim Halpert: Mm... I'm, know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitity training, so...
Kevin Malone: We'll stay late.
Andy Bernard: Well, that went pretty well.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I guess.
Andy Bernard: We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it.
Pam Beesly: If I'm being completely honest, I could've done without the belly kiss.
Andy Bernard: You know what? I'm sorry. 'Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Way too much.
Pam Beesly: I mean, what the hell was that?
Andy Bernard: What the heck was that?
Pam Beesly: When you cried?
Andy Bernard: Agh- try almost cried, ok? I just got caught up in the fantasy.
Pam Beesly: You're fantsy involves comparison shopping birthing classes?
Andy Bernard: No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right?
Andy Bernard: I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I'm so sick of being single.
Pam Beesly: Well, are you dating anyone?
Andy Bernard: What do you think of Erin? I mean- she's- I- She's kinda cool.
Andy Bernard: You think I can do better?
Andy Bernard: Gotta get my goin' out on.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, let's watch this thing.
Jim Halpert: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Yeah. We're not watchin' this.
Oscar Martinez: How can we not watch this?
Jim Halpert: What happened to 'Do Not Mock'?
Phyllis Vance: We're not mocking, we're watching.
Jim Halpert: That will inevitably lead to mocking. So...
Phyllis Vance: Well, we'll deal with it as it comes.
Michael Scott: Is this the tape of me falling?
Phyllis Vance: Yes. Put the DVD in.
Kevin Malone: Open QuickTime.
Oscar Martinez: It starts on it's own. Let it -
Kevin Malone: No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I've done this.
Jim Halpert: Guys. Michael can't handle this and as your boss I'm saying we're not watching it.
Michael Scott: No. It's ok. Watch it. He can't fire all of you.
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: It's alright. I can handle it.
Michael Scott: I am a grown-up, Jim.
Meredith Palmer: Shh. It's on.
Kevin Malone: Here they come. (everyone reacts to seeing Michael fall in) Boom!
Oscar Martinez: Oh. Did - did you see that?
Angela Martin: Why'd you stop it?
Jim Halpert: Oscar, yes. You're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it.
Oscar Martinez: Jim, you let Michael fall in.
Dwight Schrute: Play it again. (everyone has the same reaction as before) He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.
Jim Halpert: Oh... man. I thinke when I started to see you go in I think I just froze.
Michael Scott: I don't think you froze.
Jim Halpert: It's a killer new dance move. (re-enacts leaning back) Do you wanna talk in your office?
Jim Halpert: I didn't ask you. (back to Michael) Would you like to talk? (walks away)
Meredith Palmer: (as Jim enters the kitchen) Hey, what's up lifeguard?
Oscar Martinez: Jim, I think I'm in your way. (leans back - they both exit)
Michael Scott: Oscar's a douche.
Jim Halpert: (laughing) He's alright.
Michael Scott: No. He's a- yeah, he's alright. Ok. (holds door open as they exit)
Jim Halpert: Thanks Michael.
Michael Scott: You're welcome. Whoa! (leans back) Almost fell. (they both laugh)
Pam Beesly: Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me?
Erin Hannon: Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don't accidentally read them.
Erin Hannon: How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?
Pam Beesly: No. It was a total waste of time. Um... it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool.
Erin Hannon: Yeah, he is!
Erin Hannon: He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met.
Pam Beesly: That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando.
Erin Hannon: Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.
Pam Beesly: I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 7 season 6. Koi Pond is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.