Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Koi Pond

Vol. 6 · Issue 7Scranton, PA

You'll find every awkward line and hilariously mean joke from the "Koi Pond" script right here. Michael Scott's dignity takes a literal dip, and you can catch all the "Do Not Mock" list highlights plus Jim's questionable reflexes in this full transcript. From the Halloween warehouse scene to the "Book Face" costume, it's all laid out for you.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community.
Kids
YAY!
Michael Scott
Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Don't worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha... (bumps into something) ... ha ha ha.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because, as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
I am going to scare these kids so bad.

Scene 04

15 lines
Darryl Philbin
This is the spookiest warehouse in the world, kids. You don't believe me? Just take a look. (Kevin chops into Erin, who is dressed as Princess Fiona) Oh. Scary, huh? This is a surgery with an octopus and a burn victim.
Angela Martin
Black widow.
Kelly Kapoor
Lulu from The Fifth Element.
Darryl Philbin
Nobody told me what people were, alright? So... label yourselves or take what you get.
Creed Bratton
I want to sell your blood!
Ryan Howard
That's really not the trend in vampires right now.
Darryl Philbin
Here is an old man and a goth dude... and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell.
Meredith Palmer
I'm a hobo.
Darryl Philbin
I asked for a list. (Dwight rides in on a tricycle, laughing diabolically) ...and a clown.
Dwight Schrute
I'm Jigsaw, idiot.
Darryl Philbin
You're not as scary as Book Face, over there.
Jim Halpert
Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face.
Darryl Philbin
Ok, kids. You've all been so good and unbelievably patient so I think you are gonna get some candy!
Kids
Yeah! (a chair falls over, Michael is seen hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck - the kids scream)
Michael Scott
Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright?

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?

Scene 06

3 lines
Michael Scott
It is the easy way out. You are not alone.
Darryl Philbin
What the hell is wrong with you?
Michael Scott
Who wants candy?

Scene 07

17 lines
Michael Scott
...and then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Michael Scott
Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.
Jim Halpert
I bet we would.
Michael Scott
They have a TCBY booth.
Jim Halpert
Cool.
Michael Scott
The same stuff you get downtown.
Jim Halpert
Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott
Do you like TCBY?
Jim Halpert
Who doesn't?
Michael Scott
I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun
Erin Hannon
I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're expecting the both of you in an hour.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Actually, it's just gonna be me.
Erin Hannon
They said the both of you.
Jim Halpert
That is a mistake.
Michael Scott
You should give them a call. Check that out.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Let's clear this up. (on phone) Well, there's actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can- no. Nope. Why would that be a problem?

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?

Scene 09

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Great. See ya' then.
Michael Scott
Wha- what?
Jim Halpert
They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.
Michael Scott
Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.
Jim Halpert
I absolutely don't understand, either.
Michael Scott
I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. Alright.
Jim Halpert
Alright.
Michael Scott
Let me get your stroller.

Scene 10

1 line
Jim Halpert
Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?

Scene 11

16 lines
Michael Scott
What are you gonna call him?
Jim Halpert
Dave.
Michael Scott
No. What is his name?
Jim Halpert
Dave.
Michael Scott
Mr. Bourchard. They're very formal.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well... this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing?
Jim Halpert
Yes, it is.
Michael Scott
...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.
Jim Halpert
No thanks.
Michael Scott
They are into style.
Jim Halpert
Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott
They are into appearance. We are selling success.
Jim Halpert
...and paper.
Michael Scott
That's sorta secondary. (offers Jim the watch again)
Jim Halpert
Nope. No.

Scene 12

1 line
Jim Halpert
He's trying to micro-co-manage me... or co-micro... manage... me.

Scene 13

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Here we are outside-
Andy Bernard
WB!
Pam Beesly
- the Wilkes-Barre Industrial Park.
Andy Bernard
Industrial P.! Makin' cold calls.
Pam Beesly
The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them.

Scene 14

5 lines
Andy Bernard
(singing) Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202.
Pam Beesly
Here it is. (Andy is still singing) Suite 401.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. I was gonna sing that part.
Pam Beesly
I know. Now you don't have to.
Andy Bernard
Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. (sings) Suite 401.

Scene 15

13 lines
Michael Scott
Alright. Hi. Any messages?
Erin Hannon
You're soaking wet.
Michael Scott
Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning.
Phyllis Vance
Wow. Sounds scary.
Michael Scott
It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't.
Angela Martin
Why isn't Jim wet?
Jim Halpert
I outran it.
Meredith Palmer
I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.
Michael Scott
It rained.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?
Michael Scott
Nothing. Cocoa.
Jim Halpert
I'll just leave that suit in your office then.
Michael Scott
Good. Yep.

Scene 16

5 lines
Secretary
Must be nice to have company on these cold calls.
Andy Bernard
We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. (points to Pam's tummy)
Secretary
How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet?
Pam Beesly
(Andy shakes his head 'no') Oh. No, no. (laughing) We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together.
Andy Bernard
(miffed) Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies.

Scene 17

3 lines
Erin Hannon
(Michael is walking around in one of Jim's suits) Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi pond.
Michael Scott
Ok. Thank you.
Stanley Hudson
Did you say 'Koi pond'?

Scene 18

14 lines
Michael Scott
(phone rings) Yeah?
Erin Hannon
Michael, people are asking questions.
Michael Scott
Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?
Phyllis Vance
Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond?
Michael Scott
Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.
Oscar Martinez
Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond?
Jim Halpert
Mmm... it's like Michael said. It was some- something else.
Michael Scott
It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.
Angela Martin
So you fell in?
Michael Scott
No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.
Angela Martin
So a child had fallen in?
Michael Scott
Not yet!
Kevin Malone
That is hilarious. (extends hand for a fist bump)
Michael Scott
No it is- don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. (Stanley laughs)

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in. It was... how long it took him to get out.

Scene 20

12 lines
Pam Beesly
And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area.
Customer
Well that sounds like a really nice deal.
Andy Bernard
Sha-bow.
Customer
And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too.
Andy Bernard
Oh, wow. You thought that- oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not.
Customer
My mistake. Sorry.
Pam Beesly
It's ok.
Andy Bernard
Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not ok. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine.
Customer
That- that's good for you.
Pam Beesly
Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes.
Andy Bernard
Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.

Scene 21

4 lines
Pam Beesly
You were way meaner to me than I was to you.
Andy Bernard
No I wasn't. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.
Pam Beesly
You blew the sale, you idiot.
Andy Bernard
Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale.

Scene 22

19 lines
Michael Scott
Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?
Erin Hannon
Staples? (Kevin clears his throat) Uh, David Wallace called.
Michael Scott
Oh. He did? What did he say?
Erin Hannon
He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Kevin Malone
(whispers to Erin) I'm gonna kill you.
Stanley Hudson
Michael, don't listen to them.
Michael Scott
Thank you, Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
You just ignore their carp.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay.
Creed Bratton
Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?
Michael Scott
I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story.
Oscar Martinez
Don't you mean 'Koi Story'?
Phyllis Vance
And when you fell in, did you flounder?
Dwight Schrute
Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and -
Michael Scott
I know what a flounder is.

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good.

Scene 24

23 lines
Michael Scott
The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance
Michael, you make fun of us every day.
Michael Scott
Uh...
Kevin Malone
Yeah. Every single day.
Michael Scott
You never said anything.
Meredith Palmer
Uh, we have. Countless times.
Michael Scott
Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop because I want you to stop' or STOP as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!'
Angela Martin
That's never the case.
Michael Scott
We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? (writes 'Koi pond' on the list) Ok. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Ok. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.
Dwight Schrute
I don't want people making fun of my nose.
Michael Scott
Your nose?
Dwight Schrute
It's too small.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Oscar Martinez
Oh my. That is small.
Dwight Schrute
Just, write it down, please.
Oscar Martinez
Can you breathe okay?
Kelly Kapoor
What keeps your glasses on?
Dwight Schrute
Hey! It's on the list, everybody.
Michael Scott
No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance.
Kevin Malone
I don't want people making fun of my weight.
Michael Scott
Ok. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yeah? (writes Huge Gut) Meredith?
Meredith Palmer
I don't want to say it out loud.
Michael Scott
Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away.

Scene 25

1 line
Meredith Palmer
I really didn't want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so... what are you gonna do? (she writes 'sex with a terrorist')

Scene 26

1 line
Michael Scott
Ok.

Scene 27

22 lines
Andy Bernard
That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it.
Keena Gifford
Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple.
Andy Bernard
Well-
Pam Beesly
Oh- (both look at each other and together say) Thank you.
Keena Gifford
Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do.
Pam Beesly
Well, you know.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-
Pam Beesly
He loves to eat.
Andy Bernard
I love to dance-
Pam Beesly
I love to watch him dance.
Andy Bernard
Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room-
Pam Beesly
And I'll just watch him.
Keena Gifford
And a baby on the way? You must be so excited.
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. We are thrilled.
Pam Beesly
Mmm-hmm.
Andy Bernard
In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey?
Pam Beesly
It was, sweetie.
Keena Gifford
Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. On Clearview Avenue.
Keena Gifford
Yeah!
Andy Bernard
Yeah.

Scene 28

16 lines
Angela Martin
This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel.
Phyllis Vance
So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal?
Erin Hannon
Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. (everyone shows remorse)
Michael Scott
It's a fish.
Erin Hannon
They want you to pay for it.
Michael Scott
It could've died of natural causes. So...
Erin Hannon
Well, they said you stepped on it's head. He did not suffer.
Oscar Martinez
When is the funeral?
Michael Scott
Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want?
Erin Hannon
$300.
Michael Scott
What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm.
Creed Bratton
Oh, you're payin' way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy?
Jim Halpert
Ok. Great meeting, everybody. That's it.
Michael Scott
No, no.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you. (everyone begins to leave)
Michael Scott
No. We are not done here. This-

Scene 29

7 lines
Andy Bernard
One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly wht the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick!
Keena Gifford
That's great!
Andy Bernard
Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, well, that'll happen.
Andy Bernard
Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too. (leans over and kisses Pam's belly)
Pam Beesly
Sometimes we're so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting.
Andy Bernard
Message received, little soy bean.

Scene 30

10 lines
Jim Halpert
I think you just gotta ride this one out, man.
Michael Scott
No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'.
Jim Halpert
No, they don't.
Michael Scott
Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail.
Jim Halpert
Maybe if you make fun of yourself it'll all go away.
Michael Scott
I want to make fun of you right now.
Jim Halpert
Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball.
Michael Scott
No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid.
Jim Halpert
See?
Michael Scott
Oh, my God.

Scene 31

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? (everyone starts laughing) Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to.
Phyllis Vance
Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby?
Michael Scott
Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.
Michael Scott
It's ok. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to hrow me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. (Jim signals for making to stop) No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. (Michael begins to lose his cool) Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the friends- the five- the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. (realizing he's going downhill) Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice.

Scene 32

8 lines
Kevin Malone
(watching Angela eat something) Enjoying your nut?
Oscar Martinez
Kevin.
Angela Martin
Why?
Kevin Malone
I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut.
Angela Martin
I was.
Michael Scott
Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over.
Jim Halpert
Mm... I'm, know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitity training, so...
Kevin Malone
We'll stay late.

Scene 33

21 lines
Andy Bernard
Well, that went pretty well.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I guess.
Andy Bernard
We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it.
Pam Beesly
If I'm being completely honest, I could've done without the belly kiss.
Andy Bernard
You know what? I'm sorry. 'Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Way too much.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
I mean, what the hell was that?
Andy Bernard
What the heck was that?
Pam Beesly
When you cried?
Andy Bernard
Agh- try almost cried, ok? I just got caught up in the fantasy.
Pam Beesly
You're fantsy involves comparison shopping birthing classes?
Andy Bernard
No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right?
Pam Beesly
Hmm.
Andy Bernard
I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I'm so sick of being single.
Pam Beesly
Well, are you dating anyone?
Andy Bernard
What do you think of Erin? I mean- she's- I- She's kinda cool.
Pam Beesly
Ah.
Andy Bernard
You think I can do better?
Pam Beesly
Ah.
Andy Bernard
Gotta get my goin' out on.

Scene 34

32 lines
Meredith Palmer
Hey, let's watch this thing.
Jim Halpert
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Yeah. We're not watchin' this.
Oscar Martinez
How can we not watch this?
Jim Halpert
What happened to 'Do Not Mock'?
Phyllis Vance
We're not mocking, we're watching.
Jim Halpert
That will inevitably lead to mocking. So...
Phyllis Vance
Well, we'll deal with it as it comes.
Michael Scott
Is this the tape of me falling?
Phyllis Vance
Yes. Put the DVD in.
Kevin Malone
Open QuickTime.
Oscar Martinez
It starts on it's own. Let it -
Kevin Malone
No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I've done this.
Jim Halpert
Guys. Michael can't handle this and as your boss I'm saying we're not watching it.
Michael Scott
No. It's ok. Watch it. He can't fire all of you.
Jim Halpert
What are you doing?
Michael Scott
It's alright. I can handle it.
Jim Halpert
No.
Michael Scott
I am a grown-up, Jim.
Meredith Palmer
Shh. It's on.
Kevin Malone
Here they come. (everyone reacts to seeing Michael fall in) Boom!
Oscar Martinez
Oh. Did - did you see that?
Jim Halpert
See what?
Angela Martin
Why'd you stop it?
Jim Halpert
Oscar, yes. You're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it.
Oscar Martinez
Jim, you let Michael fall in.
Dwight Schrute
Play it again. (everyone has the same reaction as before) He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in.
Jim Halpert
Oh... man. I thinke when I started to see you go in I think I just froze.
Michael Scott
I don't think you froze.
Jim Halpert
It's a killer new dance move. (re-enacts leaning back) Do you wanna talk in your office?
Angela Martin
No.
Jim Halpert
I didn't ask you. (back to Michael) Would you like to talk? (walks away)
Dwight Schrute
Judas.

Scene 35

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-

Scene 36

1 line
Jim Halpert
I should've grabbed you. I'm sorry. Look, I thought I could've done today's sales call alone. I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job.

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me.

Scene 38

7 lines
Meredith Palmer
(as Jim enters the kitchen) Hey, what's up lifeguard?
Oscar Martinez
Jim, I think I'm in your way. (leans back - they both exit)
Michael Scott
Oscar's a douche.
Jim Halpert
(laughing) He's alright.
Michael Scott
No. He's a- yeah, he's alright. Ok. (holds door open as they exit)
Jim Halpert
Thanks Michael.
Michael Scott
You're welcome. Whoa! (leans back) Almost fell. (they both laugh)

Scene 39

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me?
Erin Hannon
Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don't accidentally read them.
Pam Beesly
Ok.
Erin Hannon
Thanks.
Pam Beesly
Mmm-hmm.
Erin Hannon
How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?
Pam Beesly
No. It was a total waste of time. Um... it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool.
Erin Hannon
Yeah, he is!
Pam Beesly
Yeah, he is.
Erin Hannon
He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met.
Pam Beesly
That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando.
Erin Hannon
Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.
Pam Beesly
I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah.