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Season 6 Episode 8
Double Date

Every line from The Office episode "Double Date", season 6 episode 8.

Dwight Schrute: Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: Thank you. (reaches for bagel)
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.
Andy Bernard: Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?
Phyllis Vance: This is really nice Dwight, thanks.
Andy Bernard: Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one.
Dwight Schrute: Good morning Michael.
Michael Scott: Morning Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Hungry?
Michael Scott: No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers. Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.
Dwight Schrute: Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.
Michael Scott: Well, yeah...
Dwight Schrute: You're thinking of deer penis.
Michael Scott: It worked.
Dwight Schrute: Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. (holds up tray) Bagel?
Michael Scott: I don't mind if I do.
Dwight Schrute: K. I brought cheese too.
Michael Scott: I'm taking one for my lady friend.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent.
Michael Scott: Brain food. Thank you very much.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. (walks out of Michael's office) You owe me.
Dwight Schrute: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
Dwight Schrute: Pam, would you care for a bagel?
Pam Beesly: Oh, no thank you.
Dwight Schrute: That's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.
Pam Beesly: I have an early lunch.
Pam Beesly: Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out.
Erin Hannon: These are amazing. You took all these?
Ryan Howard: I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti. Photography lets me capture all that. Have you ever been photographed before?
Erin Hannon: Oh just by like friends.
Ryan Howard: Well here's what I've been doing around here. It's for a series on exposure in the workplace.
Helene: (walks into the office) Whoohoo! Pammy?
Pam Beesly: Hey! (gets up to greet Helene) Hey. Happy birthday.
Helene: Thank you. (they hug)
Michael Scott: (comes over to hug them both) My girls. There they are. (Pam walks away)
Michael Scott: Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch-- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your "Gee I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother" and fixes all occurrences of "I don't really see them together". So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.
Angela Martin: Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?
Pam Beesly: I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding.
Michael Scott: Yeah--
Kevin Malone: Hi.
Michael Scott: I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we?
Helene: Wait a minute. (looks at the bag in Michael's hand) Is that another birthday present for me cause you already gave me a necklace.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God I love it. (looks at camera and shakes head)
Helene: Tell her how you gave it to me.
Michael Scott: No, that wouldn't be--
Helene: He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. What a nice way to wake up.
Michael Scott: Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to-- inappropriosity.
Kevin Malone: Because of sex?
Michael Scott: Hey--
Pam Beesly: Kevin!
Michael Scott: Please, Kevin. You're fired. (Kevin looks at Jim; Jim shakes his head) Sorry, sorry. Work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go?
Pam Beesly: Yes, let's go. (looks at Erin and nods)
Erin Hannon: Oh, wait. Um-- Swartz Lumber is on the phone for you Pam and they say it's urgent.
Pam Beesly: Oh, you guys. Just one second. (picks up phone) Oh my gosh! Are you serious? Shipping emergency. I don't think I can go to lunch.
Jim Halpert: Oh man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out too.
Pam Beesly: I know. Isn't that always how it goes?
Jim Halpert: Rarely. If ever. Let me give it a whirl. I'll talk to them.
Pam Beesly: I want to handle it.
Jim Halpert: That's okay.
Pam Beesly: I feel like its--
Jim Halpert: It's my pleasure. (takes phone from Pam) Hello? Well that's great. (hangs up phone) Turns out the paper was there all along.
Creed Bratton: (sighs) Thank God.
Creed Bratton: Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.
Helene: So, Pammy-- are you still liking sales?
Pam Beesly: Yeah-- it's exciting.
Helene: Well, you know-- Michael and I were-- talking, and maybe if you put a little more face to face time with your clients you could improve your sales.
Jim Halpert: Pam's sales are fine actually.
Michael Scott: Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Today is about family.
Pam Beesly: Why did I get in the car? I could of struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn't even blow it.
Andy Bernard: Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you.
Dwight Schrute: Let me guess-- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.
Andy Bernard: Yes! (they laugh) And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory.
Dwight Schrute: Wow--
Andy Bernard: Feel it against your cheek.
Dwight Schrute: I will. (Andy rubs the briefcase against Dwight's face)
Andy Bernard: You give me a gift-- Bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere-- Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor-- Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.
Dwight Schrute: Let me get that door for you-- (runs to open door)
Andy Bernard: Whoa--
Dwight Schrute: There you go!
Andy Bernard: Thank you very much. Now I've got it for you. (holds open door)
Dwight Schrute: Oh... goodness... thanks. You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees.
Andy Bernard: Is that right?
Dwight Schrute: Observe. (walks towards desk)
Andy Bernard: Huh. (laughs; follows Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: Right?
Andy Bernard: That really works.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime. Okay.
Andy Bernard: Hey-- oh, hold on a second. Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus.
Dwight Schrute: (straightens Andy's tie) And that needs to be straight as an arrow.
Andy Bernard: Whoa-- thank you very much. (takes off Dwight's glasses and blows on them) Oh boy.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you very much for that.
Andy Bernard: (puts Dwight's glasses back on Dwight's face) You are very welcome.
Dwight Schrute: (pulls out Andy's chair) Have a seat. Allow me.
Andy Bernard: (pulls out Dwight's chair) Have a seat yourself.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.
Andy Bernard: Not necessary.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no! (takes mouse and runs away)
Andy Bernard: You didn't have to do that.
Dwight Schrute: Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.
Michael Scott: Hello. Scott. Table for four.
Hostess: Welcome Scott family. It'll be just a moment.
Pam Beesly: I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too.
Michael Scott: What table should we take? So many to choose from.
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Helene: (sees table decorated with a banner and balloons) Oh my God!
Michael Scott: What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh, wait a second! You mean this one? Wow!
Pam Beesly: Michael, you did all this?
Michael Scott: Not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it.
Helene: Well, thank you. All of you.
Michael Scott: Well, it was actually me alone, so-- wow look at this place. Really makes me want to go to Italy some day.
Helene: Oh you'll love it. You can have my guide books. I think I'm done with those really long plane rides.
Michael Scott: Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books.
Pam Beesly: So, mom... which birthday are we celebrating this year?
Helene: (laughs) Sticking with 49.
Pam Beesly: 49 again? That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition.
Michael Scott: That's funny.
Helene: Well, as long as you're running numbers Pam, then help me out with this one. Let's see your six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?
Jim Halpert: Oh, burn. Burn on you... and a little bit on me, too. (they laugh)
Michael Scott: You're 54 years old.
Helene: No. I'm 58.
Michael Scott: You're 58 years old?
Helene: Uh huh.
Michael Scott: Congratulations.
Michael Scott: The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.
Pam Beesly: Mom, have you decided what you want to be called?
Helene: Oh, well I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma.
Pam Beesly: Please be Grandma.
Jim Halpert: Definitely Grandma.
Pam Beesly: I want you to be Grandma.
Helene: Oh, Michael what do you think? Grandma?
Michael Scott: (nods uncomfortably) That--
Pam Beesly: Yay, Grandma!
Michael Scott: Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think?
Pam Beesly: Maybe.
Michael Scott: Helene?
Helene: Oh, oh no. I don't think so.
Michael Scott: I am. I'm definitely going to do it. I've already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in?
Helene: Oh no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out. It just-- doesn't interest me.
Michael Scott: So it's a matter of interest. Good, okay. It's not anything you would have ever done.
Helene: Hmm... I might have done it when I was younger, but now there's just other things I'd rather be doing, instead of running and jumping and swimming--
Michael Scott: Well there's no jumping in a triathlon.
Helene: Oh--
Michael Scott: You're thinking of the broad jump. Would you try-- bungee jumping?
Helene: No, no... (laughs)
Michael Scott: Snowboarding?
Helene: You want to go snowboarding?
Michael Scott: I might.
Helene: Michael, what are you talking about?
Michael Scott: (sighs) Nothing. Just life-- and doing things-- before you die. I don't know.
Michael Scott: Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.
Andy Bernard: (singing fanfare) Aye-yi-yi! (lifts covers off trays of food)
Dwight Schrute: What's going on in here?
Oscar Martinez: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight Schrute: Oh... no... really?
Andy Bernard: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight Schrute: There is no book. There's only a survival guide.
Andy Bernard: You bought breakfast for everyone, so I got lunch for everyone.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, well, allow me. You know what-- gosh these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos! Gra-ga-ga-ga-ga!
Michael Scott: So we should get the check?
Pam Beesly: What about your gift Michael?
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no. No. It's stupid. You'd hate it. I hate it.
Helene: I'm sure I won't.
Michael Scott: Yes you will.
Pam Beesly: He locked himself in his office all morning working on it.
Helene: Gimme. Look at this wrapping paper. It's got the word love on it in every language.
Pam Beesly: Aww--
Michael Scott: I literally-- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper.
Helene: (opens present, reads inscription) A scrapbook of our first memories by Michael Gary Scott. For my girlfriend Helene on your birthday. (laughs)
Michael Scott: That's just an arbitrary title.
Helene: Ok, there's a penny. What's that from?
Jim Halpert: Penny for your thoughts.
Helene: It was from the wishing well at the mall. You threw it in. I went back later, waded in and I found it.
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Pam Beesly: That's amazing.
Michael Scott: It's not amazing... at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.
Helene: (looking through the book) A poem!
Michael Scott: Oh that I plagiarized I think.
Helene: (reading) I can not go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay...
Jim Halpert: (whispers to Pam) Shel Silverstein.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Helene: Um-- I have the measles and the mumps, a gash, a rash and purple bumps. And my teachers really mean-- Happy Birthday , I love you Helene.
Pam Beesly: That's really nice Michael.
Michael Scott: I think it sucks.
Helene: I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful.
Michael Scott: Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational-- sort of gap between us.
Helene: (hugging book) God... it's a scrapbook.
Pam Beesly: Home run Michael.
Jim Halpert: You set the bar so high.
Michael Scott: That was a bunt.
Andy Bernard: Whoa, whoa Dwight. I'm going to do this.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey-- relax I got it covered.
Andy Bernard: No, I insist.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no, no, no, I insist. (pushes Andy out of the room and locks the door)
Andy Bernard: Ok, Dwight this is ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Don't worry about it. You can just owe me.
Pam Beesly: Hey. Where'd you go?
Michael Scott: Oh, just went to the bathroom.
Pam Beesly: And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?
Michael Scott: I got thirsty.
Pam Beesly: Okay, weirdo. Come on. It's time for cake.
Michael Scott: Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself.
Pam Beesly: Cakes really good.
Helene: Oh, I know. I love how they use butter cream frosting.
Michael Scott: Finish your cake, Helene.
Helene: Hmmm?
Michael Scott: I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.
Michael Scott: Helene I think you're a wonderful person and I-- God-- I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.
Pam Beesly: Michael. Michael ,it's okay.
Michael Scott: No it's not.
Pam Beesly: I know that it took me a little while to come around and its still a little weird to get used to, but you obviously make my mom very happy. And that makes me happy.
Michael Scott: Wow. That just-- you've really grown.
Pam Beesly: Well--
Michael Scott: (covering eyes) Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who-- who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never-- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so--
Michael Scott: And I want kids. And you... unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.
Pam Beesly: Michael.
Michael Scott: It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer-- (waitress comes over to pour water; long pause) -- tility.
Helene: I, um-- I got it.
Helene: I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?
Michael Scott: Well, hobbies--
Jim Halpert: Stop.
Andy Bernard: (reaching for something on the top shelf) Ahh.
Dwight Schrute: What's going on?
Andy Bernard: Stupid things wedged up there. No one in this office will help me.
Dwight Schrute: Alright, move it.
Andy Bernard: What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.
Dwight Schrute: Oh yeah, you're going to owe me big time.
Andy Bernard: It's like a little envelope-- there you go.
Dwight Schrute: Got it. (looks at envelope) To Dwight. Wha-- (opens envelope) Starbucks gift card.
Andy Bernard: Surprise! (laughs) It's from everybody. $15 value.
Dwight Schrute: Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. (bends over and hold hand about 1/2 an inch from the floor) They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.
Michael Scott: Pamela Beesly Halpert--
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: May I have a word with you in my office please?
Pam Beesly: I am working.
Michael Scott: Well, this is a work related matter.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes. Join me please, won't you? (Pam gets up and follows Michael into his office) I am going to give you a raise.
Pam Beesly: Why?
Michael Scott: Because of all the good work you've done.
Pam Beesly: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Michael Scott: That's-- no, no-- it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
Pam Beesly: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Michael Scott: Do you want the raise or what?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I'll take it. (turns to leave)
Michael Scott: Hey, Pam, Pam-- with this raise there are strings attached. (Pam sighs) And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
Pam Beesly: You're bribing me?
Michael Scott: No! No-- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't-- unless I haven't offered you enough... your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--
Pam Beesly: I want to hit you.
Michael Scott: What?
Pam Beesly: I want to hit you. I'll do that.
Michael Scott: (nervous laughter) Oh-- okay , what? I don't-- Are you kidding?
Pam Beesly: No. Are you kidding?
Michael Scott: Ye-- No. Alright. I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just--
Pam Beesly: No. I don't think I can hit you in the office.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Pam Beesly: So, um... we'll do it after work. In the parking lot. In front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Pam Beesly: See you then.
Michael Scott: See you.
Ryan Howard: Hey.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Ryan Howard: Quick question.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah.
Ryan Howard: Are you scared?
Michael Scott: Never. About what? A little-- what are you talking--
Ryan Howard: We heard about the punch.
Michael Scott: What punch?
Kelly Kapoor: Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work.
Michael Scott: I'm pretty sure we said slap.
Kelly Kapoor: No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now.
Ryan Howard: I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Do you?
Michael Scott: I-- mmm-- I'm good.
Ryan Howard: alright. See you there.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Michael Scott: Do you and Pam ever get frisky?
Jim Halpert: Inappropriate.
Michael Scott: I mean-- do you ever wrestle with each other?
Jim Halpert: All the time.
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: She strong?
Jim Halpert: She wants it bad Michael.
Michael Scott: Can you stop this?
Jim Halpert: I can.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Jim Halpert: And I don't support her choice to hit you.
Michael Scott: I don't either.
Jim Halpert: But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning.
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm. I know.
Jim Halpert: I just need some time.
Michael Scott: You gotta do something--
Jim Halpert: I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision.
Michael Scott: How much time do you think you'll need?
Jim Halpert: No more than a week. Maybe two weeks.
Michael Scott: Come on, man!
Toby Flenderson: Pam, can I talk to you for a second?
Pam Beesly: Oh...
Toby Flenderson: I heard about the hit. Just-- make sure it's off company property, right?
Pam Beesly: Right.
Toby Flenderson: Okay, I think we should probably be okay.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Toby Flenderson: Okay. And-- the-the power-- comes from the back foot. So its-- its all one motion through the-- body. So you stay a little low and there's a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm. (demonstrates punch) Pow!
Pam Beesly: (stands up; gets into stance) Okay wait-- it's-- you're saying it comes from the foot.
Toby Flenderson: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Okay. (punches Toby's hand)
Toby Flenderson: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Wow!
Toby Flenderson: Okay.
Meredith Palmer: Hey everybody, he's not in the men's room although the seat was warm so we may have just missed him.
Kevin Malone: My money's on Pam.
Oscar Martinez: It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be?
Kevin Malone: Michael could win.
Oscar Martinez: How? He can't hit back.
Kevin Malone: Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?
Michael Scott: Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it. (claps hands) Let's do this.
Michael Scott: It's okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home.
Kevin Malone: We're here for the show, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?
Kelly Kapoor: It has almost no calories.
Pam Beesly: Are you ready?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam Beesly: (goes to punch Michael; he flinches) You have to keep your hands down, Michael.
Michael Scott: I know. (sighs) Okay. Alright. (Pam goes to punch him again) Oh-- God!
Pam Beesly: Michael, you have to put your hands down.
Angela Martin: Put your hands in your pockets.
Michael Scott: Okay! (braces himself) Pam, Pam-- I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.
Pam Beesly: What are you sorry for?
Michael Scott: So many things. I don't know. It's hard to choose.
Pam Beesly: How about for dating my mom?
Michael Scott: Maybe that--
Pam Beesly: And dumping her on her birthday.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Okay-- just-- don't ever date a member of my family again.
Michael Scott: Okay. I promise. (Pam starts to walk away) For the record your mom came on to me. (Pam turns around and slaps him; he gasps)
Phyllis Vance: Holy crap.
Pam Beesly: Are you okay?
Michael Scott: No!
Pam Beesly: You're okay.
Jim Halpert: Feel better?
Pam Beesly: No. You were right.
Dwight Schrute: (walks with Michael back into the office; Michael is clutching is face and limping) Wait, why are you limping?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Dwight Schrute: Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.
Michael Scott: As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me.
Michael Scott: Ahh... (Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to his face)
Dwight Schrute: Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down.
Michael Scott: Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Fire Jim.
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him.
Michael Scott: What are you talking about--
Dwight Schrute: Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.
Michael Scott: Forget that.
Dwight Schrute: Can I have an office?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it.
Michael Scott: (pats face) Oh that feels better.

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