Double Date

Vol. 6 · Issue 8The Office · NBCScranton, PA

You can find every awkward word from Michael’s disastrous birthday lunch for Helene in this full episode script. From the politeness war between Dwight and Andy to Toby’s boxing lessons, all the best lines from Double Date are right here. It is the perfect place to see exactly what Michael said before Pam finally slapped him in the parking lot.

Scene 01

8 lines

Dwight Schrute

Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?

Stanley Hudson

Thank you. (reaches for bagel)

Dwight Schrute

No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.

Andy Bernard

Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?

Dwight Schrute

Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?

Phyllis Vance

This is really nice Dwight, thanks.

Andy Bernard

Thanks.

Dwight Schrute

Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one.

Scene 02

15 lines

Dwight Schrute

Good morning Michael.

Michael Scott

Morning Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

Hungry?

Michael Scott

No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers. Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.

Dwight Schrute

Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac.

Michael Scott

Well, yeah...

Dwight Schrute

You're thinking of deer penis.

Michael Scott

It worked.

Dwight Schrute

Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. (holds up tray) Bagel?

Michael Scott

I don't mind if I do.

Dwight Schrute

K. I brought cheese too.

Michael Scott

I'm taking one for my lady friend.

Dwight Schrute

Excellent.

Michael Scott

Brain food. Thank you very much.

Dwight Schrute

Okay. (walks out of Michael's office) You owe me.

Scene 03

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Scene 04

4 lines

Dwight Schrute

Pam, would you care for a bagel?

Pam Beesly

Oh, no thank you.

Dwight Schrute

That's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.

Pam Beesly

I have an early lunch.

Scene 05

1 line

Pam Beesly

Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out.

Scene 06

8 lines

Erin Hannon

These are amazing. You took all these?

Ryan Howard

I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti. Photography lets me capture all that. Have you ever been photographed before?

Erin Hannon

Oh just by like friends.

Ryan Howard

Well here's what I've been doing around here. It's for a series on exposure in the workplace.

Helene

(walks into the office) Whoohoo! Pammy?

Pam Beesly

Hey! (gets up to greet Helene) Hey. Happy birthday.

Helene

Thank you. (they hug)

Michael Scott

(comes over to hug them both) My girls. There they are. (Pam walks away)

Scene 07

1 line

Michael Scott

Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch-- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your "Gee I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother" and fixes all occurrences of "I don't really see them together". So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.

Scene 08

5 lines

Angela Martin

Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?

Pam Beesly

I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding.

Michael Scott

Yeah--

Kevin Malone

Hi.

Michael Scott

I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we?

Scene 09

21 lines

Helene

Wait a minute. (looks at the bag in Michael's hand) Is that another birthday present for me cause you already gave me a necklace.

Kelly Kapoor

Oh my God I love it. (looks at camera and shakes head)

Helene

Tell her how you gave it to me.

Michael Scott

No, that wouldn't be--

Helene

He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. What a nice way to wake up.

Michael Scott

Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to-- inappropriosity.

Kevin Malone

Because of sex?

Michael Scott

Hey--

Pam Beesly

Kevin!

Michael Scott

Please, Kevin. You're fired. (Kevin looks at Jim; Jim shakes his head) Sorry, sorry. Work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go?

Pam Beesly

Yes, let's go. (looks at Erin and nods)

Erin Hannon

Oh, wait. Um-- Swartz Lumber is on the phone for you Pam and they say it's urgent.

Pam Beesly

Oh, you guys. Just one second. (picks up phone) Oh my gosh! Are you serious? Shipping emergency. I don't think I can go to lunch.

Jim Halpert

Oh man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out too.

Pam Beesly

I know. Isn't that always how it goes?

Jim Halpert

Rarely. If ever. Let me give it a whirl. I'll talk to them.

Pam Beesly

I want to handle it.

Jim Halpert

That's okay.

Pam Beesly

I feel like its--

Jim Halpert

It's my pleasure. (takes phone from Pam) Hello? Well that's great. (hangs up phone) Turns out the paper was there all along.

Creed Bratton

(sighs) Thank God.

Scene 10

1 line

Creed Bratton

Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.

Scene 11

7 lines

Helene

So, Pammy-- are you still liking sales?

Pam Beesly

Yeah-- it's exciting.

Helene

Well, you know-- Michael and I were-- talking, and maybe if you put a little more face to face time with your clients you could improve your sales.

Jim Halpert

Pam's sales are fine actually.

Michael Scott

Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today.

Pam Beesly

Thank you.

Michael Scott

Today is about family.

Scene 12

1 line

Pam Beesly

Why did I get in the car? I could of struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn't even blow it.

Scene 13

6 lines

Andy Bernard

Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you.

Dwight Schrute

Let me guess-- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.

Andy Bernard

Yes! (they laugh) And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory.

Dwight Schrute

Wow--

Andy Bernard

Feel it against your cheek.

Dwight Schrute

I will. (Andy rubs the briefcase against Dwight's face)

Scene 14

1 line

Andy Bernard

You give me a gift-- Bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere-- Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor-- Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.

Scene 15

22 lines

Dwight Schrute

Let me get that door for you-- (runs to open door)

Andy Bernard

Whoa--

Dwight Schrute

There you go!

Andy Bernard

Thank you very much. Now I've got it for you. (holds open door)

Dwight Schrute

Oh... goodness... thanks. You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees.

Andy Bernard

Is that right?

Dwight Schrute

Observe. (walks towards desk)

Andy Bernard

Huh. (laughs; follows Dwight)

Dwight Schrute

Right?

Andy Bernard

That really works.

Dwight Schrute

Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime. Okay.

Andy Bernard

Hey-- oh, hold on a second. Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus.

Dwight Schrute

(straightens Andy's tie) And that needs to be straight as an arrow.

Andy Bernard

Whoa-- thank you very much. (takes off Dwight's glasses and blows on them) Oh boy.

Dwight Schrute

Thank you very much for that.

Andy Bernard

(puts Dwight's glasses back on Dwight's face) You are very welcome.

Dwight Schrute

(pulls out Andy's chair) Have a seat. Allow me.

Andy Bernard

(pulls out Dwight's chair) Have a seat yourself.

Dwight Schrute

You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse.

Andy Bernard

Not necessary.

Dwight Schrute

No, no, no! (takes mouse and runs away)

Andy Bernard

You didn't have to do that.

Scene 16

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.

Scene 17

3 lines

Michael Scott

Hello. Scott. Table for four.

Hostess

Welcome Scott family. It'll be just a moment.

Pam Beesly

I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too.

Scene 18

21 lines

Michael Scott

What table should we take? So many to choose from.

Jim Halpert

Wow.

Helene

(sees table decorated with a banner and balloons) Oh my God!

Michael Scott

What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh, wait a second! You mean this one? Wow!

Pam Beesly

Michael, you did all this?

Michael Scott

Not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it.

Helene

Well, thank you. All of you.

Michael Scott

Well, it was actually me alone, so-- wow look at this place. Really makes me want to go to Italy some day.

Helene

Oh you'll love it. You can have my guide books. I think I'm done with those really long plane rides.

Michael Scott

Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books.

Pam Beesly

So, mom... which birthday are we celebrating this year?

Helene

(laughs) Sticking with 49.

Pam Beesly

49 again? That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition.

Michael Scott

That's funny.

Helene

Well, as long as you're running numbers Pam, then help me out with this one. Let's see your six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?

Jim Halpert

Oh, burn. Burn on you... and a little bit on me, too. (they laugh)

Michael Scott

You're 54 years old.

Helene

No. I'm 58.

Michael Scott

You're 58 years old?

Helene

Uh huh.

Michael Scott

Congratulations.

Scene 19

1 line

Michael Scott

The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave.

Scene 20

8 lines

Pam Beesly

Mom, have you decided what you want to be called?

Helene

Oh, well I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma.

Pam Beesly

Please be Grandma.

Jim Halpert

Definitely Grandma.

Pam Beesly

I want you to be Grandma.

Helene

Oh, Michael what do you think? Grandma?

Michael Scott

(nods uncomfortably) That--

Pam Beesly

Yay, Grandma!

Scene 21

17 lines

Michael Scott

Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think?

Pam Beesly

Maybe.

Michael Scott

Helene?

Helene

Oh, oh no. I don't think so.

Michael Scott

I am. I'm definitely going to do it. I've already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in?

Helene

Oh no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out. It just-- doesn't interest me.

Michael Scott

So it's a matter of interest. Good, okay. It's not anything you would have ever done.

Helene

Hmm... I might have done it when I was younger, but now there's just other things I'd rather be doing, instead of running and jumping and swimming--

Michael Scott

Well there's no jumping in a triathlon.

Helene

Oh--

Michael Scott

You're thinking of the broad jump. Would you try-- bungee jumping?

Helene

No, no... (laughs)

Michael Scott

Snowboarding?

Helene

You want to go snowboarding?

Michael Scott

I might.

Helene

Michael, what are you talking about?

Michael Scott

(sighs) Nothing. Just life-- and doing things-- before you die. I don't know.

Scene 22

1 line

Michael Scott

Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.

Scene 23

8 lines

Andy Bernard

(singing fanfare) Aye-yi-yi! (lifts covers off trays of food)

Dwight Schrute

What's going on in here?

Oscar Martinez

Andy bought lunch.

Dwight Schrute

Oh... no... really?

Andy Bernard

Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.

Dwight Schrute

There is no book. There's only a survival guide.

Andy Bernard

You bought breakfast for everyone, so I got lunch for everyone.

Dwight Schrute

Okay, well, allow me. You know what-- gosh these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos! Gra-ga-ga-ga-ga!

Scene 24

10 lines

Michael Scott

So we should get the check?

Pam Beesly

What about your gift Michael?

Michael Scott

Oh, no, no, no. No. It's stupid. You'd hate it. I hate it.

Helene

I'm sure I won't.

Michael Scott

Yes you will.

Pam Beesly

He locked himself in his office all morning working on it.

Helene

Gimme. Look at this wrapping paper. It's got the word love on it in every language.

Pam Beesly

Aww--

Michael Scott

I literally-- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper.

Helene

(opens present, reads inscription) A scrapbook of our first memories by Michael Gary Scott. For my girlfriend Helene on your birthday. (laughs)

Scene 25

21 lines

Michael Scott

That's just an arbitrary title.

Helene

Ok, there's a penny. What's that from?

Jim Halpert

Penny for your thoughts.

Helene

It was from the wishing well at the mall. You threw it in. I went back later, waded in and I found it.

Jim Halpert

Wow.

Pam Beesly

That's amazing.

Michael Scott

It's not amazing... at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.

Helene

(looking through the book) A poem!

Michael Scott

Oh that I plagiarized I think.

Helene

(reading) I can not go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay...

Jim Halpert

(whispers to Pam) Shel Silverstein.

Pam Beesly

Yeah.

Helene

Um-- I have the measles and the mumps, a gash, a rash and purple bumps. And my teachers really mean-- Happy Birthday , I love you Helene.

Pam Beesly

That's really nice Michael.

Michael Scott

I think it sucks.

Helene

I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

Michael Scott

Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational-- sort of gap between us.

Helene

(hugging book) God... it's a scrapbook.

Pam Beesly

Home run Michael.

Jim Halpert

You set the bar so high.

Michael Scott

That was a bunt.

Scene 26

6 lines

Andy Bernard

Whoa, whoa Dwight. I'm going to do this.

Dwight Schrute

Hey, hey, hey-- relax I got it covered.

Andy Bernard

No, I insist.

Dwight Schrute

No, no, no, no, no, no, I insist. (pushes Andy out of the room and locks the door)

Andy Bernard

Ok, Dwight this is ridiculous.

Dwight Schrute

Don't worry about it. You can just owe me.

Scene 27

5 lines

Pam Beesly

Hey. Where'd you go?

Michael Scott

Oh, just went to the bathroom.

Pam Beesly

And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?

Michael Scott

I got thirsty.

Pam Beesly

Okay, weirdo. Come on. It's time for cake.

Scene 28

1 line

Michael Scott

Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself.

Scene 29

5 lines

Pam Beesly

Cakes really good.

Helene

Oh, I know. I love how they use butter cream frosting.

Michael Scott

Finish your cake, Helene.

Helene

Hmmm?

Michael Scott

I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.

Scene 30

12 lines

Michael Scott

Helene I think you're a wonderful person and I-- God-- I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.

Pam Beesly

Michael. Michael ,it's okay.

Michael Scott

No it's not.

Pam Beesly

I know that it took me a little while to come around and its still a little weird to get used to, but you obviously make my mom very happy. And that makes me happy.

Michael Scott

Wow. That just-- you've really grown.

Pam Beesly

Well--

Michael Scott

(covering eyes) Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who-- who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never-- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping.

Jim Halpert

Okay, so--

Michael Scott

And I want kids. And you... unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.

Pam Beesly

Michael.

Michael Scott

It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer-- (waitress comes over to pour water; long pause) -- tility.

Helene

I, um-- I got it.

Scene 31

3 lines

Helene

I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?

Michael Scott

Well, hobbies--

Jim Halpert

Stop.

Scene 32

4 lines

Andy Bernard

(reaching for something on the top shelf) Ahh.

Dwight Schrute

What's going on?

Andy Bernard

Stupid things wedged up there. No one in this office will help me.

Dwight Schrute

Alright, move it.

Scene 33

1 line

Andy Bernard

What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.

Scene 34

4 lines

Dwight Schrute

Oh yeah, you're going to owe me big time.

Andy Bernard

It's like a little envelope-- there you go.

Dwight Schrute

Got it. (looks at envelope) To Dwight. Wha-- (opens envelope) Starbucks gift card.

Andy Bernard

Surprise! (laughs) It's from everybody. $15 value.

Scene 35

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. (bends over and hold hand about 1/2 an inch from the floor) They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.

Scene 36

33 lines

Michael Scott

Pamela Beesly Halpert--

Pam Beesly

What?

Michael Scott

May I have a word with you in my office please?

Pam Beesly

I am working.

Pam Beesly

Really?

Michael Scott

Yes.

Pam Beesly

Really?

Michael Scott

Yes. Join me please, won't you? (Pam gets up and follows Michael into his office) I am going to give you a raise.

Pam Beesly

Why?

Michael Scott

Because of all the good work you've done.

Pam Beesly

I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.

Michael Scott

That's-- no, no-- it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.

Pam Beesly

I have the worst attitude of any person here.

Michael Scott

Do you want the raise or what?

Pam Beesly

Yeah, I'll take it. (turns to leave)

Michael Scott

Hey, Pam, Pam-- with this raise there are strings attached. (Pam sighs) And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.

Pam Beesly

You're bribing me?

Michael Scott

No! No-- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't-- unless I haven't offered you enough... your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--

Pam Beesly

I want to hit you.

Michael Scott

What?

Pam Beesly

I want to hit you. I'll do that.

Michael Scott

(nervous laughter) Oh-- okay , what? I don't-- Are you kidding?

Pam Beesly

No. Are you kidding?

Michael Scott

Ye-- No. Alright. I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just--

Pam Beesly

No. I don't think I can hit you in the office.

Michael Scott

Okay.

Pam Beesly

So, um... we'll do it after work. In the parking lot. In front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can.

Michael Scott

Okay.

Pam Beesly

Okay.

Michael Scott

Okay.

Pam Beesly

See you then.

Michael Scott

See you.

Scene 37

14 lines

Ryan Howard

Hey.

Michael Scott

Hey.

Ryan Howard

Quick question.

Kelly Kapoor

Yeah.

Ryan Howard

Are you scared?

Michael Scott

Never. About what? A little-- what are you talking--

Ryan Howard

We heard about the punch.

Michael Scott

What punch?

Kelly Kapoor

Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work.

Michael Scott

I'm pretty sure we said slap.

Kelly Kapoor

No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now.

Ryan Howard

I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Do you?

Michael Scott

I-- mmm-- I'm good.

Ryan Howard

alright. See you there.

Scene 38

23 lines

Michael Scott

Hey.

Jim Halpert

Hey.

Michael Scott

Do you and Pam ever get frisky?

Jim Halpert

Inappropriate.

Michael Scott

I mean-- do you ever wrestle with each other?

Jim Halpert

All the time.

Michael Scott

Really?

Jim Halpert

Yeah.

Michael Scott

She strong?

Jim Halpert

She wants it bad Michael.

Michael Scott

Can you stop this?

Jim Halpert

I can.

Michael Scott

Okay.

Jim Halpert

And I don't support her choice to hit you.

Michael Scott

I don't either.

Jim Halpert

But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning.

Michael Scott

Mmm-hmm. I know.

Jim Halpert

I just need some time.

Michael Scott

You gotta do something--

Jim Halpert

I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision.

Michael Scott

How much time do you think you'll need?

Jim Halpert

No more than a week. Maybe two weeks.

Michael Scott

Come on, man!

Scene 39

13 lines

Toby Flenderson

Pam, can I talk to you for a second?

Pam Beesly

Oh...

Toby Flenderson

I heard about the hit. Just-- make sure it's off company property, right?

Pam Beesly

Right.

Toby Flenderson

Okay, I think we should probably be okay.

Pam Beesly

Okay.

Toby Flenderson

Okay. And-- the-the power-- comes from the back foot. So its-- its all one motion through the-- body. So you stay a little low and there's a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm. (demonstrates punch) Pow!

Pam Beesly

(stands up; gets into stance) Okay wait-- it's-- you're saying it comes from the foot.

Toby Flenderson

Yes.

Pam Beesly

Okay. (punches Toby's hand)

Toby Flenderson

Yes.

Pam Beesly

Wow!

Toby Flenderson

Okay.

Scene 40

6 lines

Meredith Palmer

Hey everybody, he's not in the men's room although the seat was warm so we may have just missed him.

Kevin Malone

My money's on Pam.

Oscar Martinez

It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be?

Kevin Malone

Michael could win.

Oscar Martinez

How? He can't hit back.

Kevin Malone

Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?

Scene 41

1 line

Michael Scott

Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it. (claps hands) Let's do this.

Scene 42

28 lines

Michael Scott

It's okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home.

Kevin Malone

We're here for the show, Michael.

Michael Scott

You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?

Kelly Kapoor

It has almost no calories.

Pam Beesly

Are you ready?

Michael Scott

Yes.

Pam Beesly

(goes to punch Michael; he flinches) You have to keep your hands down, Michael.

Michael Scott

I know. (sighs) Okay. Alright. (Pam goes to punch him again) Oh-- God!

Pam Beesly

Michael, you have to put your hands down.

Angela Martin

Put your hands in your pockets.

Michael Scott

Okay! (braces himself) Pam, Pam-- I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

Pam Beesly

What are you sorry for?

Michael Scott

So many things. I don't know. It's hard to choose.

Pam Beesly

How about for dating my mom?

Michael Scott

Maybe that--

Pam Beesly

And dumping her on her birthday.

Michael Scott

Yes.

Pam Beesly

Okay-- just-- don't ever date a member of my family again.

Michael Scott

Okay. I promise. (Pam starts to walk away) For the record your mom came on to me. (Pam turns around and slaps him; he gasps)

Phyllis Vance

Holy crap.

Pam Beesly

Are you okay?

Michael Scott

No!

Pam Beesly

You're okay.

Jim Halpert

Feel better?

Pam Beesly

No. You were right.

Dwight Schrute

(walks with Michael back into the office; Michael is clutching is face and limping) Wait, why are you limping?

Michael Scott

I don't know.

Dwight Schrute

Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.

Scene 43

1 line

Michael Scott

As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me.

Scene 44

13 lines

Michael Scott

Ahh... (Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to his face)

Dwight Schrute

Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down.

Michael Scott

Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

Fire Jim.

Michael Scott

No.

Dwight Schrute

I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him.

Michael Scott

What are you talking about--

Dwight Schrute

Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers.

Michael Scott

Forget that.

Dwight Schrute

Can I have an office?

Michael Scott

No.

Dwight Schrute

You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it.

Michael Scott

(pats face) Oh that feels better.