Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Murder

Vol. 6 · Issue 9Scranton, PA

Here are all the lines from the episode where the office thinks they're going bankrupt, so Michael forces them to play a Southern murder mystery. You'll find every quote from Caleb Crawdad to the final finger-gun standoff right here in this full script. It's the best way to catch the Savannah accents and Voodoo Mama Juju's antics.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(screaming, Phyllis and Dwight wrestling) Got you! Broken arm! Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom! Ha, gonna flip you!

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate... because as we all know, the one thing thousand year martial arts do all the time is change.

Scene 03

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch (screams, pretends to punch Meredith in the throat)
Jim Halpert
OK, so there's no defense for that, good to know.
Dwight Schrute
No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!
Kevin Malone
No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
Dwight Schrute
False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!
Jim Halpert
OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight Schrute
That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.
Jim Halpert
So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?
Dwight Schrute
Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. (gives himself a fake throat punch) Block. Grasp wrist as such. (grasps wrist)
Jim Halpert
And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two.
Dwight Schrute
Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. (gives himself another throat punch and proceeds to both attack and defend himself) Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool.
Dwight Schrute
He really is, but not for long. (steps on foot) Ow! Instep, oh, not again. (more screaming) You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on.
Jim Halpert
You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.
Dwight Schrute
The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise. (hits himself in the groin and moans)

Scene 04

6 lines
Michael Scott
But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.
Andy Bernard
I did stand up comedy once.
Michael Scott
You did?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I killed.
Michael Scott
That sounds like it was hilarious.
Andy Bernard
It was hilarious.

Scene 05

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yes?
Dwight Schrute
What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael Scott
You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day.
Dwight Schrute
This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott
Woo hoo, shout out!
Dwight Schrute
Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP.
Michael Scott
Erin, do we have the journal?
Erin Hannon
Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.
Michael Scott
Did you?
Pam Beesly
Michael, he means the Wall Street Journal online.
Michael Scott
Oh, the Wall.

Scene 06

12 lines
Oscar Martinez
I found the article. (everyone walks over to his desk, he begins reading the article) "On a day marked by panicked corporate board meetings, one that is relatively not surprising is Dunder Mifflin's. It is rumored that they will recommend... " and the article cuts off.
Michael Scott
It's $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say? (no one makes a move to pay for the article)
Jim Halpert
Are you serious? (starts typing on the computer and Andy begins to lean in toward the computer)
Andy Bernard
I got it, I got it... Oh, Tuna beat me to it.
Phyllis Vance
"It is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy."
Michael Scott
No, no, that doesn't make any sense.
Stanley Hudson
Oh lord, we're all gonna lose our jobs.
Oscar Martinez
Not necessarily, bankruptcy could mean a lot of things. Maybe they're just restructuring to get out of debt.
Michael Scott
Oh, that sounds awful.
Oscar Martinez
Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott
Oh God. Well, that's an interesting theory.
Dwight Schrute
You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

Scene 07

4 lines
David Wallace's Secretary
I'm sorry, Michael, David's in a meeting.
Michael Scott
Ah, well maybe you should spy on him. (in Valley Girl voice) Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious! (laughs)
David Wallace's Secretary
Um, I'll just have him call you back.
Michael Scott
OK, OK. Good. I'll catch you on the flippity flip. Bye. (hangs up phone) He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free.

Scene 08

4 lines
Kevin Malone
(retching sounds coming from the men's bathroom, Kevin walks to the door and goes in) Michael, are you OK? Did you throw up in there?
Michael Scott
No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be.
Kevin Malone
It smells like throw up in here.
Michael Scott
Crazy world. Lotta smells.

Scene 09

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(in lunch room with several coworkers) Guys, what if this is our last day at work? What if we never see each other ever again? (Andy scoffs and looks over at Erin, Erin looks sad)

Scene 10

1 line
Andy Bernard
I like Erin. There, I said it. I was kinda hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front, so... it is time for the Nard Dog to take matters into his own paws.

Scene 11

9 lines
Jim Halpert
(Michael in his office playing music loudly, Jim walks in and turns the volume down, Michael trailing off on singing) We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what's going to happen.
Michael Scott
OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins.
Jim Halpert
Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine. So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they'll follow along.
Michael Scott
Monkey see, monkey do.
Jim Halpert
That's it.
Michael Scott
Monkey pee all over you.
Jim Halpert
That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today?
Michael Scott
We have a monthly staff meeting
Jim Halpert
Alright, let's conference room it up! (everyone is now in the conference room) Here's the deal guys. There is no new information as of yet, so I suggest we all just keep working.

Scene 12

1 line
Jim Halpert
Sure I'm a little nervous, but doing our work will make us feel better. I only slack off when things are good.

Scene 13

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Customers have to use the coupon code from the website. And as of now there is no differentiation between the letter O and the zero, but we are working on that. Stay tuned for that.
Dwight Schrute
(Michael leaves) He needs me. Seat saved infinity. (leaves)
Jim Halpert
OK, great.
Michael Scott
(walks back in, on cell phone) What? Oh my God! (everyone starts asking questions) There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah. (runs back to his office)

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.

Scene 15

6 lines
Meredith Palmer
(reading the game box cover) Belles, Bourbon and Bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game.
Michael Scott
It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it...
Jim Halpert
Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea.
Michael Scott
This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder.
Jim Halpert
I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this.
Michael Scott
Tube City, you owe me one.

Scene 16

1 line
Jim Halpert
Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.

Scene 17

7 lines
Voice on CD player
August the 5th, 1955. It's a sad day down here in Savannah. Local magnate Bill Bourbon was killed last night and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate Bill as he passes on to his great reward. You're not just here to pay your respects, you have to figure out which of y'all is the no-count scoundrel who killed him.
Stanley Hudson
This is ridiculous. (gets up to leave, as does Angela)
Michael Scott
There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.
Stanley Hudson
What kind of food?
Michael Scott
Sandwich platters.
Stanley Hudson
I'm in. (sits back down)
Michael Scott
Baby carrots. (Angela sits back down)

Scene 18

3 lines
Michael Scott
OK, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.
Kevin Malone
Whoa, I'll try it.
Michael Scott
OK, use your imaginations.

Scene 19

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Who'd you get?
Erin Hannon
Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, a vivacious young socialite with a penchant for scandal.
Andy Bernard
Oooooo, saucy.
Erin Hannon
How about you?
Andy Bernard
Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and Nellie's brother.

Scene 20

6 lines
Angela Martin
Michael, I don't like this game. It's scary.
Michael Scott
It's not scary.
Angela Martin
I don't like my character.
Pam Beesly
Who are you?
Angela Martin
Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps. I'm not comfortable with this. (holds up a head)
Michael Scott
Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy. Every night, a different woman. Being oogled. Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful.

Scene 21

16 lines
Michael Scott
(looks at Oscar who is using his phone, grabs it) Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?
Oscar Martinez
It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company.
Michael Scott
Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.
Ryan Howard
You don't have to keep saying "I do declare". Any time you say something it means you are declaring.
Michael Scott
That is the way Southern people talk.
Jim Halpert
And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?
Michael Scott
Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery?
Pam Beesly
I'll go. (stands up, begins speaking with a southern accent) My name is Deborah U. Tante. Deb for short.
Andy Bernard
That's clever, Debutante.
Pam Beesly
Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Meredith Palmer
Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam Beesly
I do not.
Andy Bernard
Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin Malone
Oooo, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy Bernard
Uh, not familiar, what province is he from?
Kevin Malone
He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Scene 22

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
You know, I think I'm supposed to say something to Pam, I mean, Deb, OK? (in character) I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept.
Dwight Schrute
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael Scott
No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight Schrute
I will poison your food.

Scene 23

2 lines
Andy Bernard
I reckon I got something to say to Miss Beatrix Bourbon, if'n she don't mind.
Michael Scott
Oooooo, doggie, we got a party now!

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.

Scene 25

1 line
Kevin Malone
Y'all.

Scene 26

4 lines
Creed Bratton
(Creed pulls into the parking lot and goes into the office) Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on?
Michael Scott
(accent) Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.
Creed Bratton
OK. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and I'll be right back.
Michael Scott
Very good, very good. Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. (Creed gets in his car and drives away)

Scene 27

5 lines
Andy Bernard
(in character) Hey there young lady.
Erin Hannon
Hello.
Andy Bernard
I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.
Erin Hannon
Sounds like a plan, Sugar.
Andy Bernard
Alright, a plan it is.

Scene 28

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts.
Angela Martin
It's not my fault, I was exposed to Harry Potter.
Dwight Schrute
I know you did it!

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, AKA Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.

Scene 30

5 lines
Kevin Malone
(in character) Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.
Erin Hannon
Well, you know ol' Nellie's always up for a romp in the hay.
Meredith Palmer
How about a threesome?
Erin Hannon
Yeah, my boudoir's always open.
Kevin Malone
Nice.

Scene 31

1 line
Andy Bernard
I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer.

Scene 32

7 lines
Oscar Martinez
I just got an email from corporate, specifically for Accounting to stop all payments to our vendors.
Phyllis Vance
What does that mean?
Oscar Martinez
Well, maybe nothing but it could mean a problem with liquidity-
Michael Scott
(accent) Whoa. What's this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son? This here's Savannah.
Oscar Martinez
(tries to speak in a high-pitched southern accent) This plantation, we're running low on greenbacks. We're having problems paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay... (in regular voice) - Michael, I can't - Basically it could mean a lot of things, but it is unprecedented, so it's cause for concern.
Jim Halpert
OK, I'm going back to work.
Michael Scott
No no no no no no no. (accent) I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go.

Scene 33

3 lines
Voice on CD player
Well by now you've figured out that ol' Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.
Phyllis Vance
Michael, I was doing so well.
Michael Scott
(accent) Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- that's a misdirection. We still don't know who the murderer is. (everyone leaves) Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here. I can't do this myself. Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do?

Scene 34

10 lines
Jim Halpert
OK, so Corporate is still in their meeting.
Kevin Malone
That could be a good sign.
Angela Martin
Hey everyone, Kevin's going to give us his take on the situation. Let's listen up.
Jim Halpert
Alright guys, it's a work day and you guys work here, so let's go do some work.
Kevin Malone
Now, Jim telling us all to work? I think that is a very good sign.
Angela Martin
Don't just say things.
Jim Halpert
(Michael walks in) Oh, hey, Michael. Listen, I brought up those sales targets. Do you want to-
Michael Scott
(accent) I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y'all skedaddled way too soon. We need to reopen this case.
Jim Halpert
No, you're not reopening the case. The case is closed.
Michael Scott
No it ain't.

Scene 35

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Frankly, I'm not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns.

Scene 36

11 lines
Andy Bernard
Just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. It's funny, the guy's dead the whole time.
Erin Hannon
I haven't seen it.
Andy Bernard
Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend?
Erin Hannon
(accent) Of course, Nathaniel.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, OK.
Erin Hannon
(accent) Where are you taking me?
Andy Bernard
(accent) Well, finest steakhouse in all Savannah.
Erin Hannon
(accent) Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.
Andy Bernard
Did you mean a real date?
Erin Hannon
No. (laughs) Did you?
Andy Bernard
Totally... not. (Erin gets up and walks away)

Scene 37

1 line
Erin Hannon
I thought it was for real. So I was excited, but it was just, it was part of the game.

Scene 38

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid?
Michael Scott
I already declared you, it was too dark to tell.
Dwight Schrute
Stop playing games with me, Crawdad.
Michael Scott
This is not a game, this is my life. You are out of order, sir.
Dwight Schrute
Answer me.
Michael Scott
You are out of order.
Dwight Schrute
You are out of order.
Michael Scott
You are-

Scene 39

4 lines
Pam Beesly
I think Michael may have snapped.
Jim Halpert
Or maybe he's just stuck in character.
Pam Beesly
Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?
Jim Halpert
Both. They're both worse.

Scene 40

2 lines
Jim Halpert
It's going to be alright. We're a good company, we'll figure this out. We're not going under.
Pam Beesly
Jim, what if we both lose our jobs? I'm trying to think of a way that this all ends up fine, and I can't think of one.

Scene 41

5 lines
Michael Scott
(comes into Jim's office using accent) Deb, what in the world - do you have the vapors?
Jim Halpert
Michael, not now.
Michael Scott
Can't wait, we have to get you to our witch doctor right now. Come on. Come on.
Pam Beesly
I should just go. (accent) Where to now Caleb?
Michael Scott
To Mama Juju Boo Boo.

Scene 42

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Michael, can I... OK, I'm just going to skip right past the what and go with why.
Michael Scott
Because this is the recreation of a crime scene.
Meredith Palmer
(laying on the ground) I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks.
Dwight Schrute
Hey shut up. You're dead.
Jim Halpert
Michael, can I talk to you in your office?
Michael Scott
No Michael here, my name is-
Jim Halpert
Caleb!

Scene 43

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Today of all days...
Michael Scott
No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game, alright? (Jim nods)

Scene 44

8 lines
Michael Scott
(accent) Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. What can I do you for?
Erin Hannon
Wallace is on the phone. He's returning your call.
Michael Scott
Detective Wallace?
Erin Hannon
I don't think so. I think it's David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott
Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here.
Oscar Martinez
You're not gonna answer the phone?
Michael Scott
No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room.
Jim Halpert
I'll take it.

Scene 45

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey David.
David Wallace
Hey, sorry to be getting back to you guys so late. Things are still a bit unclear, we didn't officially decide anything yet.
Jim Halpert
Oh, OK.
David Wallace
But if I can be candid with you here Jim, it's not good. We fully expect to be out of money by the end of the year. Insolvent. So, well... You know what? I'm sorry, I have to run. But we will talk soon, OK?
Jim Halpert
Sure. Oh, you know, while I have you... today I was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain, and it would actually be a big account and I wanted to-
David Wallace
You know what? I can't really get my head around anything like that right now, but that's great. Keep after it, but I gotta run.
Jim Halpert
OK.
David Wallace
Thanks Jim.
Jim Halpert
See ya.

Scene 46

11 lines
Pam Beesly
(Jim comes out of the office) What's the news?
Jim Halpert
Nothing yet.
Phyllis Vance
Well, I guess that's not-
Jim Halpert
Well there is some bad news. (accent) There has been another murder.
Michael Scott
A murder, you say? I do declare.
Jim Halpert
Conference room everyone.
Stanley Hudson
Do we have to play?
Jim Halpert
No.
Stanley Hudson
Super.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, this could be a juicy one.
Michael Scott
Get in there!

Scene 47

1 line
Jim Halpert
I think today was a good day to have two managers. 'Cause if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now.

Scene 48

1 line
Michael Scott
There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. (regular voice) Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.

Scene 49

8 lines
Andy Bernard
(Andy, Michael, and Dwight are pointing imaginary guns at each other) I didn't do it!
Dwight Schrute
OK, everybody just calm down.
Andy Bernard
I am calm.
Michael Scott
On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns.
Dwight Schrute
I have crossbows.
Michael Scott
We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?
Dwight Schrute
OK, I'm ready.
Michael Scott
One, two, three.. (all scream)

Scene 50

1 line
Jim Halpert
Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that - get this- he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.

Scene 51

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(Michael, Dwight, Andy and now Pam are in the circle and training their 'weapons' on each other, Jim walks in) Really?
Pam Beesly
(accent) It wasn't me. I'm not goin' down for this!
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I want to go home.
Pam Beesly
Get the keys out of my purse, start the car. (Jim and Pam slowly back out of the office, Pam has her weapon trained on everyone and then they run out)