Every line from The Office episode "Murder", season 6 episode 9.
Dwight Schrute: How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch (screams, pretends to punch Meredith in the throat)
Jim Halpert: OK, so there's no defense for that, good to know.
Dwight Schrute: No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!
Kevin Malone: No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
Dwight Schrute: False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!
Jim Halpert: OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.
Jim Halpert: So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?
Dwight Schrute: Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. (gives himself a fake throat punch) Block. Grasp wrist as such. (grasps wrist)
Jim Halpert: And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two.
Dwight Schrute: Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. (gives himself another throat punch and proceeds to both attack and defend himself) Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!
Jim Halpert: Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool.
Dwight Schrute: He really is, but not for long. (steps on foot) Ow! Instep, oh, not again. (more screaming) You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on.
Jim Halpert: You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.
Dwight Schrute: The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise. (hits himself in the groin and moans)
Michael Scott: But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.
Andy Bernard: I did stand up comedy once.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I killed.
Michael Scott: That sounds like it was hilarious.
Andy Bernard: It was hilarious.
Dwight Schrute: What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael Scott: You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day.
Dwight Schrute: This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Woo hoo, shout out!
Dwight Schrute: Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP.
Michael Scott: Erin, do we have the journal?
Erin Hannon: Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.
Pam Beesly: Michael, he means the Wall Street Journal online.
Michael Scott: Oh, the Wall.
Oscar Martinez: I found the article. (everyone walks over to his desk, he begins reading the article) "On a day marked by panicked corporate board meetings, one that is relatively not surprising is Dunder Mifflin's. It is rumored that they will recommend... " and the article cuts off.
Michael Scott: It's $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say? (no one makes a move to pay for the article)
Jim Halpert: Are you serious? (starts typing on the computer and Andy begins to lean in toward the computer)
Andy Bernard: I got it, I got it... Oh, Tuna beat me to it.
Phyllis Vance: "It is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy."
Michael Scott: No, no, that doesn't make any sense.
Stanley Hudson: Oh lord, we're all gonna lose our jobs.
Oscar Martinez: Not necessarily, bankruptcy could mean a lot of things. Maybe they're just restructuring to get out of debt.
Michael Scott: Oh, that sounds awful.
Oscar Martinez: Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Oh God. Well, that's an interesting theory.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.
David Wallace's Secretary: I'm sorry, Michael, David's in a meeting.
Michael Scott: Ah, well maybe you should spy on him. (in Valley Girl voice) Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious! (laughs)
David Wallace's Secretary: Um, I'll just have him call you back.
Michael Scott: OK, OK. Good. I'll catch you on the flippity flip. Bye. (hangs up phone) He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free.
Kevin Malone: (retching sounds coming from the men's bathroom, Kevin walks to the door and goes in) Michael, are you OK? Did you throw up in there?
Michael Scott: No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be.
Kevin Malone: It smells like throw up in here.
Michael Scott: Crazy world. Lotta smells.
Jim Halpert: (Michael in his office playing music loudly, Jim walks in and turns the volume down, Michael trailing off on singing) We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what's going to happen.
Michael Scott: OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins.
Jim Halpert: Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine. So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they'll follow along.
Michael Scott: Monkey see, monkey do.
Michael Scott: Monkey pee all over you.
Jim Halpert: That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today?
Michael Scott: We have a monthly staff meeting
Jim Halpert: Alright, let's conference room it up! (everyone is now in the conference room) Here's the deal guys. There is no new information as of yet, so I suggest we all just keep working.
Jim Halpert: Customers have to use the coupon code from the website. And as of now there is no differentiation between the letter O and the zero, but we are working on that. Stay tuned for that.
Dwight Schrute: (Michael leaves) He needs me. Seat saved infinity. (leaves)
Michael Scott: (walks back in, on cell phone) What? Oh my God! (everyone starts asking questions) There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah. (runs back to his office)
Meredith Palmer: (reading the game box cover) Belles, Bourbon and Bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game.
Michael Scott: It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it...
Jim Halpert: Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea.
Michael Scott: This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder.
Jim Halpert: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this.
Michael Scott: Tube City, you owe me one.
Voice on CD player: August the 5th, 1955. It's a sad day down here in Savannah. Local magnate Bill Bourbon was killed last night and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate Bill as he passes on to his great reward. You're not just here to pay your respects, you have to figure out which of y'all is the no-count scoundrel who killed him.
Stanley Hudson: This is ridiculous. (gets up to leave, as does Angela)
Michael Scott: There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.
Stanley Hudson: What kind of food?
Michael Scott: Sandwich platters.
Stanley Hudson: I'm in. (sits back down)
Michael Scott: Baby carrots. (Angela sits back down)
Michael Scott: OK, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.
Kevin Malone: Whoa, I'll try it.
Michael Scott: OK, use your imaginations.
Andy Bernard: Who'd you get?
Erin Hannon: Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, a vivacious young socialite with a penchant for scandal.
Andy Bernard: Oooooo, saucy.
Erin Hannon: How about you?
Andy Bernard: Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and Nellie's brother.
Angela Martin: Michael, I don't like this game. It's scary.
Michael Scott: It's not scary.
Angela Martin: I don't like my character.
Angela Martin: Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps. I'm not comfortable with this. (holds up a head)
Michael Scott: Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy. Every night, a different woman. Being oogled. Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful.
Michael Scott: (looks at Oscar who is using his phone, grabs it) Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?
Oscar Martinez: It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company.
Michael Scott: Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.
Ryan Howard: You don't have to keep saying "I do declare". Any time you say something it means you are declaring.
Michael Scott: That is the way Southern people talk.
Jim Halpert: And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?
Michael Scott: Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery?
Pam Beesly: I'll go. (stands up, begins speaking with a southern accent) My name is Deborah U. Tante. Deb for short.
Andy Bernard: That's clever, Debutante.
Pam Beesly: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Meredith Palmer: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Andy Bernard: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin Malone: Oooo, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy Bernard: Uh, not familiar, what province is he from?
Kevin Malone: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.
Phyllis Vance: You know, I think I'm supposed to say something to Pam, I mean, Deb, OK? (in character) I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept.
Dwight Schrute: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight Schrute: I will poison your food.
Creed Bratton: (Creed pulls into the parking lot and goes into the office) Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on?
Michael Scott: (accent) Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.
Creed Bratton: OK. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and I'll be right back.
Michael Scott: Very good, very good. Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. (Creed gets in his car and drives away)
Andy Bernard: (in character) Hey there young lady.
Andy Bernard: I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.
Erin Hannon: Sounds like a plan, Sugar.
Andy Bernard: Alright, a plan it is.
Kevin Malone: (in character) Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.
Erin Hannon: Well, you know ol' Nellie's always up for a romp in the hay.
Meredith Palmer: How about a threesome?
Erin Hannon: Yeah, my boudoir's always open.
Oscar Martinez: I just got an email from corporate, specifically for Accounting to stop all payments to our vendors.
Phyllis Vance: What does that mean?
Oscar Martinez: Well, maybe nothing but it could mean a problem with liquidity-
Michael Scott: (accent) Whoa. What's this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son? This here's Savannah.
Oscar Martinez: (tries to speak in a high-pitched southern accent) This plantation, we're running low on greenbacks. We're having problems paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay... (in regular voice) - Michael, I can't - Basically it could mean a lot of things, but it is unprecedented, so it's cause for concern.
Jim Halpert: OK, I'm going back to work.
Michael Scott: No no no no no no no. (accent) I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go.
Voice on CD player: Well by now you've figured out that ol' Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.
Phyllis Vance: Michael, I was doing so well.
Michael Scott: (accent) Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- that's a misdirection. We still don't know who the murderer is. (everyone leaves) Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here. I can't do this myself. Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do?
Jim Halpert: OK, so Corporate is still in their meeting.
Kevin Malone: That could be a good sign.
Angela Martin: Hey everyone, Kevin's going to give us his take on the situation. Let's listen up.
Jim Halpert: Alright guys, it's a work day and you guys work here, so let's go do some work.
Kevin Malone: Now, Jim telling us all to work? I think that is a very good sign.
Angela Martin: Don't just say things.
Jim Halpert: (Michael walks in) Oh, hey, Michael. Listen, I brought up those sales targets. Do you want to-
Michael Scott: (accent) I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y'all skedaddled way too soon. We need to reopen this case.
Jim Halpert: No, you're not reopening the case. The case is closed.
Michael Scott: No it ain't.
Andy Bernard: Just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. It's funny, the guy's dead the whole time.
Erin Hannon: I haven't seen it.
Andy Bernard: Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend?
Erin Hannon: (accent) Of course, Nathaniel.
Erin Hannon: (accent) Where are you taking me?
Andy Bernard: (accent) Well, finest steakhouse in all Savannah.
Erin Hannon: (accent) Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.
Andy Bernard: Did you mean a real date?
Erin Hannon: No. (laughs) Did you?
Andy Bernard: Totally... not. (Erin gets up and walks away)
Dwight Schrute: You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid?
Michael Scott: I already declared you, it was too dark to tell.
Dwight Schrute: Stop playing games with me, Crawdad.
Michael Scott: This is not a game, this is my life. You are out of order, sir.
Dwight Schrute: Answer me.
Michael Scott: You are out of order.
Dwight Schrute: You are out of order.
Pam Beesly: I think Michael may have snapped.
Jim Halpert: Or maybe he's just stuck in character.
Pam Beesly: Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?
Jim Halpert: Both. They're both worse.
Michael Scott: (comes into Jim's office using accent) Deb, what in the world - do you have the vapors?
Jim Halpert: Michael, not now.
Michael Scott: Can't wait, we have to get you to our witch doctor right now. Come on. Come on.
Pam Beesly: I should just go. (accent) Where to now Caleb?
Michael Scott: To Mama Juju Boo Boo.
Jim Halpert: Michael, can I... OK, I'm just going to skip right past the what and go with why.
Michael Scott: Because this is the recreation of a crime scene.
Meredith Palmer: (laying on the ground) I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks.
Dwight Schrute: Hey shut up. You're dead.
Jim Halpert: Michael, can I talk to you in your office?
Michael Scott: No Michael here, my name is-
Michael Scott: (accent) Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. What can I do you for?
Erin Hannon: Wallace is on the phone. He's returning your call.
Michael Scott: Detective Wallace?
Erin Hannon: I don't think so. I think it's David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here.
Oscar Martinez: You're not gonna answer the phone?
Michael Scott: No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room.
Jim Halpert: I'll take it.
David Wallace: Hey, sorry to be getting back to you guys so late. Things are still a bit unclear, we didn't officially decide anything yet.
David Wallace: But if I can be candid with you here Jim, it's not good. We fully expect to be out of money by the end of the year. Insolvent. So, well... You know what? I'm sorry, I have to run. But we will talk soon, OK?
Jim Halpert: Sure. Oh, you know, while I have you... today I was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain, and it would actually be a big account and I wanted to-
David Wallace: You know what? I can't really get my head around anything like that right now, but that's great. Keep after it, but I gotta run.
David Wallace: Thanks Jim.
Pam Beesly: (Jim comes out of the office) What's the news?
Jim Halpert: Nothing yet.
Phyllis Vance: Well, I guess that's not-
Jim Halpert: Well there is some bad news. (accent) There has been another murder.
Michael Scott: A murder, you say? I do declare.
Jim Halpert: Conference room everyone.
Stanley Hudson: Do we have to play?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, this could be a juicy one.
Michael Scott: Get in there!
Andy Bernard: (Andy, Michael, and Dwight are pointing imaginary guns at each other) I didn't do it!
Dwight Schrute: OK, everybody just calm down.
Michael Scott: On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns.
Dwight Schrute: I have crossbows.
Michael Scott: We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?
Dwight Schrute: OK, I'm ready.
Michael Scott: One, two, three.. (all scream)
Jim Halpert: (Michael, Dwight, Andy and now Pam are in the circle and training their 'weapons' on each other, Jim walks in) Really?
Pam Beesly: (accent) It wasn't me. I'm not goin' down for this!
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I want to go home.
Pam Beesly: Get the keys out of my purse, start the car. (Jim and Pam slowly back out of the office, Pam has her weapon trained on everyone and then they run out)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 9 season 6. Murder is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.