Scene 011 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (screaming, Phyllis and Dwight wrestling) Got you! Broken arm! Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom! Ha, gonna flip you!
Scene 021 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate... because as we all know, the one thing thousand year martial arts do all the time is change.
Scene 0315 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch (screams, pretends to punch Meredith in the throat)Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, so there's no defense for that, good to know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. (gives himself a fake throat punch) Block. Grasp wrist as such. (grasps wrist)Jim HalpertOpen quote: And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. (gives himself another throat punch and proceeds to both attack and defend himself) Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He really is, but not for long. (steps on foot) Ow! Instep, oh, not again. (more screaming) You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise. (hits himself in the groin and moans)
Scene 046 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.Andy BernardOpen quote: I did stand up comedy once.Michael ScottOpen quote: You did?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, I killed.Michael ScottOpen quote: That sounds like it was hilarious.Andy BernardOpen quote: It was hilarious.
Scene 0512 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?Michael ScottOpen quote: You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin.Michael ScottOpen quote: Woo hoo, shout out!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP.Michael ScottOpen quote: Erin, do we have the journal?Erin HannonOpen quote: Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.Michael ScottOpen quote: Did you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael, he means the Wall Street Journal online.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, the Wall.
Scene 0612 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: I found the article. (everyone walks over to his desk, he begins reading the article) "On a day marked by panicked corporate board meetings, one that is relatively not surprising is Dunder Mifflin's. It is rumored that they will recommend... " and the article cuts off.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say? (no one makes a move to pay for the article)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are you serious? (starts typing on the computer and Andy begins to lean in toward the computer)Andy BernardOpen quote: I got it, I got it... Oh, Tuna beat me to it.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: "It is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy."Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, that doesn't make any sense.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Oh lord, we're all gonna lose our jobs.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Not necessarily, bankruptcy could mean a lot of things. Maybe they're just restructuring to get out of debt.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, that sounds awful.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh God. Well, that's an interesting theory.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.
Scene 074 linesDavid Wallace's SecretaryOpen quote: I'm sorry, Michael, David's in a meeting.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, well maybe you should spy on him. (in Valley Girl voice) Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious! (laughs)David Wallace's SecretaryOpen quote: Um, I'll just have him call you back.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, OK. Good. I'll catch you on the flippity flip. Bye. (hangs up phone) He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free.
Scene 084 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (retching sounds coming from the men's bathroom, Kevin walks to the door and goes in) Michael, are you OK? Did you throw up in there?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: It smells like throw up in here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Crazy world. Lotta smells.
Scene 091 lineKelly KapoorOpen quote: (in lunch room with several coworkers) Guys, what if this is our last day at work? What if we never see each other ever again? (Andy scoffs and looks over at Erin, Erin looks sad)
Scene 101 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I like Erin. There, I said it. I was kinda hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front, so... it is time for the Nard Dog to take matters into his own paws.
Scene 119 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Michael in his office playing music loudly, Jim walks in and turns the volume down, Michael trailing off on singing) We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what's going to happen.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine. So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they'll follow along.Michael ScottOpen quote: Monkey see, monkey do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Monkey pee all over you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today?Michael ScottOpen quote: We have a monthly staff meetingJim HalpertOpen quote: Alright, let's conference room it up! (everyone is now in the conference room) Here's the deal guys. There is no new information as of yet, so I suggest we all just keep working.
Scene 121 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Sure I'm a little nervous, but doing our work will make us feel better. I only slack off when things are good.
Scene 134 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Customers have to use the coupon code from the website. And as of now there is no differentiation between the letter O and the zero, but we are working on that. Stay tuned for that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (Michael leaves) He needs me. Seat saved infinity. (leaves)Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, great.Michael ScottOpen quote: (walks back in, on cell phone) What? Oh my God! (everyone starts asking questions) There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah. (runs back to his office)
Scene 141 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.
Scene 156 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: (reading the game box cover) Belles, Bourbon and Bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game.Michael ScottOpen quote: It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea.Michael ScottOpen quote: This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Tube City, you owe me one.
Scene 161 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.
Scene 177 linesVoice on CD playerOpen quote: August the 5th, 1955. It's a sad day down here in Savannah. Local magnate Bill Bourbon was killed last night and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate Bill as he passes on to his great reward. You're not just here to pay your respects, you have to figure out which of y'all is the no-count scoundrel who killed him.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: This is ridiculous. (gets up to leave, as does Angela)Michael ScottOpen quote: There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: What kind of food?Michael ScottOpen quote: Sandwich platters.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I'm in. (sits back down)Michael ScottOpen quote: Baby carrots. (Angela sits back down)
Scene 183 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: OK, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Whoa, I'll try it.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, use your imaginations.
Scene 195 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Who'd you get?Erin HannonOpen quote: Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, a vivacious young socialite with a penchant for scandal.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oooooo, saucy.Erin HannonOpen quote: How about you?Andy BernardOpen quote: Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and Nellie's brother.
Scene 206 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Michael, I don't like this game. It's scary.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's not scary.Angela MartinOpen quote: I don't like my character.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Who are you?Angela MartinOpen quote: Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps. I'm not comfortable with this. (holds up a head)Michael ScottOpen quote: Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy. Every night, a different woman. Being oogled. Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful.
Scene 2116 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (looks at Oscar who is using his phone, grabs it) Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company.Michael ScottOpen quote: Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.Ryan HowardOpen quote: You don't have to keep saying "I do declare". Any time you say something it means you are declaring.Michael ScottOpen quote: That is the way Southern people talk.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?Michael ScottOpen quote: Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'll go. (stands up, begins speaking with a southern accent) My name is Deborah U. Tante. Deb for short.Andy BernardOpen quote: That's clever, Debutante.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I do not.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oooo, now do the Swedish chef.Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh, not familiar, what province is he from?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.
Scene 224 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: You know, I think I'm supposed to say something to Pam, I mean, Deb, OK? (in character) I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I will poison your food.
Scene 232 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: I reckon I got something to say to Miss Beatrix Bourbon, if'n she don't mind.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oooooo, doggie, we got a party now!
Scene 241 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters.
Scene 264 linesCreed BrattonOpen quote: (Creed pulls into the parking lot and goes into the office) Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on?Michael ScottOpen quote: (accent) Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.Creed BrattonOpen quote: OK. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and I'll be right back.Michael ScottOpen quote: Very good, very good. Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. (Creed gets in his car and drives away)
Scene 275 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (in character) Hey there young lady.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hello.Andy BernardOpen quote: I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.Erin HannonOpen quote: Sounds like a plan, Sugar.Andy BernardOpen quote: Alright, a plan it is.
Scene 283 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts.Angela MartinOpen quote: It's not my fault, I was exposed to Harry Potter.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know you did it!
Scene 291 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, AKA Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect.
Scene 305 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (in character) Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.Erin HannonOpen quote: Well, you know ol' Nellie's always up for a romp in the hay.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: How about a threesome?Erin HannonOpen quote: Yeah, my boudoir's always open.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Nice.
Scene 311 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer.
Scene 327 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: I just got an email from corporate, specifically for Accounting to stop all payments to our vendors.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What does that mean?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Well, maybe nothing but it could mean a problem with liquidity-Michael ScottOpen quote: (accent) Whoa. What's this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son? This here's Savannah.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (tries to speak in a high-pitched southern accent) This plantation, we're running low on greenbacks. We're having problems paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay... (in regular voice) - Michael, I can't - Basically it could mean a lot of things, but it is unprecedented, so it's cause for concern.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, I'm going back to work.Michael ScottOpen quote: No no no no no no no. (accent) I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go.
Scene 333 linesVoice on CD playerOpen quote: Well by now you've figured out that ol' Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Michael, I was doing so well.Michael ScottOpen quote: (accent) Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- that's a misdirection. We still don't know who the murderer is. (everyone leaves) Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here. I can't do this myself. Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do?
Scene 3410 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: OK, so Corporate is still in their meeting.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: That could be a good sign.Angela MartinOpen quote: Hey everyone, Kevin's going to give us his take on the situation. Let's listen up.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright guys, it's a work day and you guys work here, so let's go do some work.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Now, Jim telling us all to work? I think that is a very good sign.Angela MartinOpen quote: Don't just say things.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Michael walks in) Oh, hey, Michael. Listen, I brought up those sales targets. Do you want to-Michael ScottOpen quote: (accent) I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y'all skedaddled way too soon. We need to reopen this case.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, you're not reopening the case. The case is closed.Michael ScottOpen quote: No it ain't.
Scene 351 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Frankly, I'm not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns.
Scene 3611 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. It's funny, the guy's dead the whole time.Erin HannonOpen quote: I haven't seen it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend?Erin HannonOpen quote: (accent) Of course, Nathaniel.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, OK.Erin HannonOpen quote: (accent) Where are you taking me?Andy BernardOpen quote: (accent) Well, finest steakhouse in all Savannah.Erin HannonOpen quote: (accent) Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton.Andy BernardOpen quote: Did you mean a real date?Erin HannonOpen quote: No. (laughs) Did you?Andy BernardOpen quote: Totally... not. (Erin gets up and walks away)
Scene 371 lineErin HannonOpen quote: I thought it was for real. So I was excited, but it was just, it was part of the game.
Scene 388 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid?Michael ScottOpen quote: I already declared you, it was too dark to tell.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Stop playing games with me, Crawdad.Michael ScottOpen quote: This is not a game, this is my life. You are out of order, sir.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Answer me.Michael ScottOpen quote: You are out of order.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You are out of order.Michael ScottOpen quote: You are-
Scene 394 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I think Michael may have snapped.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Or maybe he's just stuck in character.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Both. They're both worse.
Scene 402 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: It's going to be alright. We're a good company, we'll figure this out. We're not going under.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Jim, what if we both lose our jobs? I'm trying to think of a way that this all ends up fine, and I can't think of one.
Scene 415 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (comes into Jim's office using accent) Deb, what in the world - do you have the vapors?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Michael, not now.Michael ScottOpen quote: Can't wait, we have to get you to our witch doctor right now. Come on. Come on.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I should just go. (accent) Where to now Caleb?Michael ScottOpen quote: To Mama Juju Boo Boo.
Scene 427 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Michael, can I... OK, I'm just going to skip right past the what and go with why.Michael ScottOpen quote: Because this is the recreation of a crime scene.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: (laying on the ground) I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey shut up. You're dead.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Michael, can I talk to you in your office?Michael ScottOpen quote: No Michael here, my name is-Jim HalpertOpen quote: Caleb!
Scene 432 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Today of all days...Michael ScottOpen quote: No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game, alright? (Jim nods)
Scene 448 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (accent) Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. What can I do you for?Erin HannonOpen quote: Wallace is on the phone. He's returning your call.Michael ScottOpen quote: Detective Wallace?Erin HannonOpen quote: I don't think so. I think it's David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin.Michael ScottOpen quote: Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You're not gonna answer the phone?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'll take it.
Scene 459 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey David.David WallaceOpen quote: Hey, sorry to be getting back to you guys so late. Things are still a bit unclear, we didn't officially decide anything yet.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, OK.David WallaceOpen quote: But if I can be candid with you here Jim, it's not good. We fully expect to be out of money by the end of the year. Insolvent. So, well... You know what? I'm sorry, I have to run. But we will talk soon, OK?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sure. Oh, you know, while I have you... today I was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain, and it would actually be a big account and I wanted to-David WallaceOpen quote: You know what? I can't really get my head around anything like that right now, but that's great. Keep after it, but I gotta run.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK.David WallaceOpen quote: Thanks Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: See ya.
Scene 4611 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (Jim comes out of the office) What's the news?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nothing yet.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, I guess that's not-Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well there is some bad news. (accent) There has been another murder.Michael ScottOpen quote: A murder, you say? I do declare.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Conference room everyone.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Do we have to play?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Super.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, this could be a juicy one.Michael ScottOpen quote: Get in there!
Scene 471 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I think today was a good day to have two managers. 'Cause if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now.
Scene 481 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. (regular voice) Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time.
Scene 498 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (Andy, Michael, and Dwight are pointing imaginary guns at each other) I didn't do it!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, everybody just calm down.Andy BernardOpen quote: I am calm.Michael ScottOpen quote: On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I have crossbows.Michael ScottOpen quote: We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, I'm ready.Michael ScottOpen quote: One, two, three.. (all scream)
Scene 501 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that - get this- he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.
Scene 514 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Michael, Dwight, Andy and now Pam are in the circle and training their 'weapons' on each other, Jim walks in) Really?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (accent) It wasn't me. I'm not goin' down for this!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, I want to go home.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Get the keys out of my purse, start the car. (Jim and Pam slowly back out of the office, Pam has her weapon trained on everyone and then they run out)