Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Nepotism

Vol. 7 · Issue 1Scranton, PA

Michael Scott brings his nephew Luke into the office, and it goes about as well as you’d expect. Every line from the episode is right here, from the 'don’t don’t bother Luke' sign to that infamous spanking session. This full script captures all the chaos of the Season 7 premiere, including Dwight's new role as the building owner.

Scene 01

18 lines
Stanley Hudson
(to Toby, who's filming) You fallin' behind.
Ryan Howard
(jumps in front of camera) Wuphf.com!
Kelly Kapoor
Ryan, we're doing the dance!
Ryan Howard
This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country.
Creed Bratton
(Bluetooth rings) You got Creed.
Ryan Howard
-and you jump in front of them.
Kelly Kapoor
You make it so hard to love you sometimes.
Stanley Hudson
Still behind.
Angela Martin
(closing door) I said I didn't want to be on the internet!
Andy Bernard
Go, go, go, go!
Michael Scott
(performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing)
Everyone
Streamers! (everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing)
Dwight Schrute
Hiya! Ha! (climbs on Phyllis' desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal)
Phyllis Vance
Dwight! (Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk)
Stanley Hudson
Are you crazy?
Andy Bernard
(song ends) Toby, how did we do?
Toby Flenderson
Well, that was better.
Andy Bernard
Whoo! We did it! (everyone starts cheering)

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did.

Scene 03

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.
Erin Hannon
Yes, of course.
Andy Bernard
And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.
Erin Hannon
Who's the guy who invented the peanut?
Gabe Lewis
Hey, guys.
Andy Bernard
Hey!
Gabe Lewis
Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.
Andy Bernard
Not at all.
Gabe Lewis
I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. (he and Erin kiss)

Scene 04

1 line
Gabe Lewis
I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite.

Scene 05

1 line
Erin Hannon
Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great.

Scene 06

1 line
Andy Bernard
Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.

Scene 07

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it) Hey. What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack.
Kevin Malone
Well, what if you're cold?
Dwight Schrute
Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I'm too busy.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.
Dwight Schrute
(drinking from Camelback) Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.

Scene 09

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, "Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?" And I'd be like, "blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah," giving you the exact right answer.

Scene 10

5 lines
Luke
Coffee Monkey's arrived.
Oscar Martinez
The coffee's supposed to be here at 9.
Luke
Here you go, Big O. Tiny. (hands Kevin his coffee) Darryl Hannah.
Darryl Philbin
It says decaf. You get me decaf?
Luke
Ooh, yeah. Must've been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back?

Scene 11

1 line
Darryl Philbin
My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He's only been here for a week, and I hate him.

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.

Scene 13

1 line
Luke
My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints.

Scene 14

5 lines
Andy Bernard
That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael Scott
He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. (starts drinking coffee) Ah! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar Martinez
He messed yours up to.
Darryl Philbin
He's got to go, Mike.
Michael Scott
It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Scene 15

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Wow, that's a lot of keys.
Dwight Schrute
The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Jim Halpert
That's right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back.
Dwight Schrute
Where?
Jim Halpert
I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. (pulls out stethoscope)
Dwight Schrute
Give me that.
Jim Halpert
Yep. Wait, and this. (hands Dwight a hammer)
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Go get 'em.

Scene 16

1 line
Jim Halpert
What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.

Scene 17

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Jim quietly takes Dwight's keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles) Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. (removes keys and throws them at Jim) Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim.
Pam Beesly
Sorry.
Jim Halpert
Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but...
Pam Beesly
It was really funny.
Jim Halpert
Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.
Pam Beesly
I love you.

Scene 18

9 lines
Phyllis Vance
Luke? Luke!
Luke
What's up, Venus?
Phyllis Vance
Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em.
Luke
Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe.
Meredith Palmer
Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.
Luke
You don't have to yell.
Michael Scott
Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
Luke
What for?
Michael Scott
To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.

Scene 21

24 lines
Michael Scott
Don't bother Luke.
Pam Beesly
Why is there a circle with a line through it?
Michael Scott
That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke.
Michael Scott
No, it... Yes, okay, right. (erases don't) All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. (writes "Don't" in front of symbol)
Darryl Philbin
Don't don't bother Luke. Got it.
Michael Scott
Come on. Okay, um... (draws a circle around "Don't" with a line through it) That's as clear as I can make it.
Phyllis Vance
Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it.
Michael Scott
Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.
Dwight Schrute
Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?
Gabe Lewis
That'd be hilarious. Uh, "Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop 'em."
Michael Scott
Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.
Dwight Schrute
How close?
Michael Scott
Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Of course.
Toby Flenderson
Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.
Michael Scott
No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes he is. He's my nephew.
Everyone
What?
Michael Scott
Luke is my nephew.
Oscar Martinez
Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew.
Michael Scott
Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.
Darryl Philbin
What's wrong with a level playing field?
Michael Scott
Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
Jim Halpert
Oh, man, so many points being made.

Scene 22

1 line
Creed Bratton
I couldn't care less about nepotism. But, I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat.

Scene 23

17 lines
Michael Scott
God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
Erin Hannon
That's a really tight argument.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Jim Halpert
But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
Michael Scott
No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?
Oscar Martinez
This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.
Michael Scott
Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!
Kelly Kapoor
I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.
Oscar Martinez
If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?
Michael Scott
Because I wanted you to come to me and say, "Wow, he is so great." And I was gonna say, "Well, it's in the genes." And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is.
Erin Hannon
Hey! Ice cream afternoon!
Michael Scott
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Kevin Malone
Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?
Pam Beesly
Or enough for everyone?
Luke
No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips.
Oscar Martinez
Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.
Andy Bernard
Clutch cream run, bro.

Scene 24

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Get whatever you want, on me.
Jim Halpert
You really think you can make it up to me with food?
Pam Beesly
I don't know. That usually works.

Scene 25

1 line
Pam Beesly
I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right.

Scene 26

19 lines
Angela Martin
I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew's car.
Michael Scott
Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off!
Phyllis Vance
Well, take a look. It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.
Michael Scott
All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store.
Jim Halpert
Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, "I don't own an Ebay store," so...
Michael Scott
Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.
Oscar Martinez
Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.
Stanley Hudson
Let's just make this kid open this damn car.
Erin Hannon
Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.
Michael Scott
I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway.
Andy Bernard
You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Tripple A.
Michael Scott
Wait a minute.
Meredith Palmer
(breaks into the car) I'm in.
Michael Scott
Don't-all right. Well, ok, you've just committed a felony.
Oscar Martinez
Yep, here they are.
Phyllis Vance
Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time.
Andy Bernard
This kid's costing us sales, Michael.
Erin Hannon
I'm sorry, do you want to try them on again to see.
Michael Scott
No, I know they fit. It's not about the fit.

Scene 27

14 lines
Jo Bennett
Why is this my problem, Michael?
Michael Scott
Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
Gabe Lewis
Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.
Jo Bennett
Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won't fire the boy.
Michael Scott
You don't have all the facts.
Jo Bennett
Which are?
Michael Scott
I love him.
Jo Bennett
Oh, God. How far has it gone?
Michael Scott
No. No. He's my nephew.
Jo Bennett
Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house.
Michael Scott
Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.
Jo Bennett
If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities.
Michael Scott
I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Jo Bennett
Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other.

Scene 29

18 lines
Kevin Malone
Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses "Doors closed" the doors open. Or he presses "lobby" it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?
Kevin Malone
Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.
Pam Beesly
Dwight is about to get so Pammed.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, did you SMS text message me?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on.
Dwight Schrute
(as elevator doors won't shut) Okay, that's weird. Just hitting "door closed." What?
Pam Beesly
There we go.
Dwight Schrute
Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! (elevator stops between floors) Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol.
Pam Beesly
Let's just calm down.
Dwight Schrute
Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately.
Pam Beesly
I don't-
Dwight Schrute
Use your talons! Pry 'em open! (starts to urinate in elevator corner)
Pam Beesly
Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God!
Dwight Schrute
Well, don't look, freak!
Pam Beesly
Dwight, what are you doing!? We've only been in here for, like, two seconds!
Dwight Schrute
I've got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!
Pam Beesly
You've gotta be kidding me.

Scene 30

32 lines
Michael Scott
Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! (Luke points laser at Oscar's forehead) Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar's head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it!
Luke
What? I'm stopping it. That's what you said.
Michael Scott
Give me the pointer.
Luke
So you just want me to move it? You're being totally unclear here. I'm just gonna go ahead and move it. (points it at Angela's chest)
Michael Scott
No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela's boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously.
Luke
All right, fine. Fine. I'll just go.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Luke
I'm gone.
Michael Scott
All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we're starting with account setup-
Andy Bernard
Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he's burning my eye.
Angela Martin
Michael, do something.
Meredith Palmer
Sack up, man.
Michael Scott
Okay, can I have that?
Luke
No.
Michael Scott
Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Both
Five, four...
Michael Scott
I'm not kidding.
Both
Three, two, one.
Michael Scott
Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke
No!
Michael Scott
(bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly) You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke
What the?
Michael Scott
That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke
What the hell was that?
Michael Scott
I had to do that.
Luke
Hey, (bleep) this! Screw it!
Michael Scott
All right. Are we good? (Luke runs out crying) You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin Malone
That was awesome!
Stanley Hudson
Texas justice.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed Bratton
He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim Halpert
You follow him on Twitter?

Scene 31

1 line
Creed Bratton
Everywhere I look it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.

Scene 32

2 lines
Gabe Lewis
Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Michael Scott
Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?

Scene 33

16 lines
Jim Halpert
Pam?
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
Jim Halpert
I did not do this.
Pam Beesly
I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video.
Jim Halpert
This is impressive.
Pam Beesly
Well, you know... they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
Jim Halpert
Do they call you that?
Pam Beesly
They do call me that.
Jim Halpert
Come on, give me your hand. I'll help you down.
Pam Beesly
Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there's pee on the floor.
Jim Halpert
Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Great.
Dwight Schrute
How ya doin'?
Jim Halpert
Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.
Pam Beesly
Stop drinking the water! Stop!

Scene 34

1 line
Andy Bernard
(Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked) No, no, no, no. It's the other hand. Right hand. Yeah.

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them.

Scene 36

1 line
Andy Bernard
(Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy) Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!

Scene 37

9 lines
Gabe Lewis
Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
Michael Scott
That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery.
Gabe Lewis
Good. Well, that's the spirit.
Michael Scott
I can do that.
Gabe Lewis
And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors.
Michael Scott
Okay. Wait, what?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael.
Michael Scott
Is there another option?
Gabe Lewis
The alternative is termination. (Michael stares off, considering termination...)