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Season 7 Episode 1

Every line from The Office episode "Nepotism", season 7 episode 1.

Stanley Hudson: (to Toby, who's filming) You fallin' behind.
Ryan Howard: (jumps in front of camera)!
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan, we're doing the dance!
Ryan Howard: This is how you build a business. This is how you make it in this country.
Creed Bratton: (Bluetooth rings) You got Creed.
Ryan Howard: -and you jump in front of them.
Kelly Kapoor: You make it so hard to love you sometimes.
Stanley Hudson: Still behind.
Angela Martin: (closing door) I said I didn't want to be on the internet!
Andy Bernard: Go, go, go, go!
Michael Scott: (performs magic-tricks while lip-syncing)
Everyone: Streamers! (everyone throws streamers in the air and starts dancing)
Dwight Schrute: Hiya! Ha! (climbs on Phyllis' desk and starts kicking things off, bites off the head of a stuffed animal)
Phyllis Vance: Dwight! (Dwight pulls out a hunting knife and jumps off desk)
Stanley Hudson: Are you crazy?
Andy Bernard: (song ends) Toby, how did we do?
Toby Flenderson: Well, that was better.
Andy Bernard: Whoo! We did it! (everyone starts cheering)
Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did.
Andy Bernard: Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.
Erin Hannon: Yes, of course.
Andy Bernard: And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.
Erin Hannon: Who's the guy who invented the peanut?
Gabe Lewis: Hey, guys.
Andy Bernard: Hey!
Gabe Lewis: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.
Andy Bernard: Not at all.
Gabe Lewis: I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. (he and Erin kiss)
Gabe Lewis: I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite.
Erin Hannon: Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great.
Andy Bernard: Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, OK? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.
Pam Beesly: (goes to change thermostat as Dwight puts a locked cover over it) Hey. What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack.
Kevin Malone: Well, what if you're cold?
Dwight Schrute: Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions, OK? I'm too busy.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight, I don't know if you heard, but we're supposed to be drinking out of weird backpacks instead of cups, like regular people. Oh, you did hear.
Dwight Schrute: (drinking from Camelback) Jim, you have one job to do. And you do it forgettably. Those of us who are busy require hands-free hydration.
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer, bed-and-breakfast proprietor, aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.
Kelly Kapoor: This summer, I did the minority executive training program at Yale. You guys, I'm, like, really smart now. You don't even know. You could ask me, "Kelly, what's the biggest company in the world?" And I'd be like, "blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah," giving you the exact right answer.
Luke: Coffee Monkey's arrived.
Oscar Martinez: The coffee's supposed to be here at 9.
Luke: Here you go, Big O. Tiny. (hands Kevin his coffee) Darryl Hannah.
Darryl Philbin: It says decaf. You get me decaf?
Luke: Ooh, yeah. Must've been some sort of mix-up there. You could just drink it, or I could drive all the way back?
Darryl Philbin: My summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're going to get out of Afghanistan. I hate the new assistant. He's only been here for a week, and I hate him.
Andy Bernard: New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard-Man. I'm the Nard-Dog, okay? Nard-man is my father.
Luke: My name is Luke Cooper. I love cinema. My favorite movies are Citizen Kane and The Boondock Saints.
Andy Bernard: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael Scott: He's not the worst, okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy-remember? Eeeh! That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. (starts drinking coffee) Ah! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar Martinez: He messed yours up to.
Darryl Philbin: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael Scott: It's just coffee, guys! But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's a lot of keys.
Dwight Schrute: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Jim Halpert: That's right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back.
Dwight Schrute: Where?
Jim Halpert: I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. (pulls out stethoscope)
Dwight Schrute: Give me that.
Jim Halpert: Yep. Wait, and this. (hands Dwight a hammer)
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Jim Halpert: Go get 'em.
Jim Halpert: What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.
Dwight Schrute: (Jim quietly takes Dwight's keychain and starts adding keys to it, Pam giggles) Hey, what's so funny over here? Ha. Very nice. Give me my keys. (removes keys and throws them at Jim) Ha. Ha. Not. Funny. Jim.
Pam Beesly: Sorry.
Jim Halpert: Oh, no. Don't worry about it. I was just gonna put a couple keys on it every day until Christmas. Then his pants would have fallen down, which was a little gift to me, but...
Pam Beesly: It was really funny.
Jim Halpert: Well, it would have been. So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.
Pam Beesly: I love you.
Phyllis Vance: Luke? Luke!
Luke: What's up, Venus?
Phyllis Vance: Did you send those samples to Justin at Lehigh Motors yesterday? Because he didn't get 'em.
Luke: Uh, if you asked me to do it, I'm sure I did it. Yeah, strawberries are ripe.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, turn off the Chumbawamba and scram, twerp.
Luke: You don't have to yell.
Michael Scott: Okay, rude. Luke, I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
Luke: What for?
Michael Scott: To get some ice cream for everybody. It's national ice cream afternoon. Great.
Michael Scott: And another thing I did this summer, I hired my nephew.
Michael Scott: Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother, who also happens to be my half-sister, kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years a- 14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of 'Ace Ventura II' and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
Michael Scott: Don't bother Luke.
Pam Beesly: Why is there a circle with a line through it?
Michael Scott: That means don't. Haven't you seen Ghostbusters, Pam?
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, but it's like you're saying we should bother Luke.
Michael Scott: No, it... Yes, okay, right. (erases don't) All right, yep. My bad. I got it. Here we go. (writes "Don't" in front of symbol)
Darryl Philbin: Don't don't bother Luke. Got it.
Michael Scott: Come on. Okay, um... (draws a circle around "Don't" with a line through it) That's as clear as I can make it.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, why can't we bother Luke? He deserves it.
Michael Scott: Because I don't want it getting back to Sabre that we're yelling at assistants. I think it would reflect poorly on us.
Dwight Schrute: Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?
Gabe Lewis: That'd be hilarious. Uh, "Jo, they're creating a hostile work environment. Stop 'em."
Michael Scott: Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.
Dwight Schrute: How close?
Michael Scott: Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Of course.
Toby Flenderson: Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.
Michael Scott: No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes he is. He's my nephew.
Everyone: What?
Michael Scott: Luke is my nephew.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew.
Michael Scott: Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.
Darryl Philbin: What's wrong with a level playing field?
Michael Scott: Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
Jim Halpert: Oh, man, so many points being made.
Creed Bratton: I couldn't care less about nepotism. But, I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat.
Michael Scott: God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
Erin Hannon: That's a really tight argument.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jim Halpert: But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
Michael Scott: No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?
Oscar Martinez: This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.
Michael Scott: Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!
Kelly Kapoor: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.
Oscar Martinez: If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?
Michael Scott: Because I wanted you to come to me and say, "Wow, he is so great." And I was gonna say, "Well, it's in the genes." And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew. Hey, there he is.
Erin Hannon: Hey! Ice cream afternoon!
Michael Scott: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Kevin Malone: Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?
Pam Beesly: Or enough for everyone?
Luke: No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips.
Oscar Martinez: Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.
Andy Bernard: Clutch cream run, bro.
Pam Beesly: Get whatever you want, on me.
Jim Halpert: You really think you can make it up to me with food?
Pam Beesly: I don't know. That usually works.
Pam Beesly: I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right.
Angela Martin: I came down here to feed the feral cats like I usually do and I found something unsavory in the back of your nephew's car.
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? Just -just back off! Back off!
Phyllis Vance: Well, take a look. It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.
Michael Scott: All right, those might be his. He might own an Ebay store.
Jim Halpert: Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, "I don't own an Ebay store," so...
Michael Scott: Ok, ok. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.
Oscar Martinez: Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.
Stanley Hudson: Let's just make this kid open this damn car.
Erin Hannon: Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.
Michael Scott: I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway.
Andy Bernard: You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Tripple A.
Michael Scott: Wait a minute.
Meredith Palmer: (breaks into the car) I'm in.
Michael Scott: Don't-all right. Well, ok, you've just committed a felony.
Oscar Martinez: Yep, here they are.
Phyllis Vance: Yep, I just lost a client cause I swore I sent these samples on time.
Andy Bernard: This kid's costing us sales, Michael.
Erin Hannon: I'm sorry, do you want to try them on again to see.
Michael Scott: No, I know they fit. It's not about the fit.
Jo Bennett: Why is this my problem, Michael?
Michael Scott: Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
Gabe Lewis: Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.
Jo Bennett: Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Ok, educate me now why you won't fire the boy.
Michael Scott: You don't have all the facts.
Jo Bennett: Which are?
Michael Scott: I love him.
Jo Bennett: Oh, God. How far has it gone?
Michael Scott: No. No. He's my nephew.
Jo Bennett: Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house.
Michael Scott: Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.
Jo Bennett: If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities.
Michael Scott: I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Jo Bennett: Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.
Michael Scott: Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other.
Kevin Malone: Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses "Doors closed" the doors open. Or he presses "lobby" it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?
Kevin Malone: Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.
Pam Beesly: Dwight is about to get so Pammed.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, did you SMS text message me?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I wanted to show you something in the lobby. Come on.
Dwight Schrute: (as elevator doors won't shut) Okay, that's weird. Just hitting "door closed." What?
Pam Beesly: There we go.
Dwight Schrute: Is this elevator going up? Hey, the elevator is disobeying us! (elevator stops between floors) Okay, okay. We are stuck. We are stuck. Hank, Hank! Can you hear us? Oh, my God. Okay. Emergency protocol.
Pam Beesly: Let's just calm down.
Dwight Schrute: Pam, try and pry open those front doors, immediately.
Pam Beesly: I don't-
Dwight Schrute: Use your talons! Pry 'em open! (starts to urinate in elevator corner)
Pam Beesly: Ok, Dwi-Oh, my God!
Dwight Schrute: Well, don't look, freak!
Pam Beesly: Dwight, what are you doing!? We've only been in here for, like, two seconds!
Dwight Schrute: I've got 56 ounces of fluid in my bladder! And we have to establish a pee corner!
Pam Beesly: You've gotta be kidding me.
Michael Scott: Luke is going to use his laser pointer to point to account setup. You click on that first, then a whole new-Not, no, no, no! (Luke points laser at Oscar's forehead) Luke, come on. Come on. Not on Oscar's head. Alright. Luke, come on. Stop it!
Luke: What? I'm stopping it. That's what you said.
Michael Scott: Give me the pointer.
Luke: So you just want me to move it? You're being totally unclear here. I'm just gonna go ahead and move it. (points it at Angela's chest)
Michael Scott: No, just power it down. No, no, no, no, no. Not on Angela's boob. Come on. Come on. Luke, seriously.
Luke: All right, fine. Fine. I'll just go.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Luke: I'm gone.
Michael Scott: All right. Okay. Good job. Okay, email accounts. So we're starting with account setup-
Andy Bernard: Oh, my God, is it in my eyeball? I think he's burning my eye.
Angela Martin: Michael, do something.
Meredith Palmer: Sack up, man.
Michael Scott: Okay, can I have that?
Luke: No.
Michael Scott: Ok, I am going to count down from five.
Both: Five, four...
Michael Scott: I'm not kidding.
Both: Three, two, one.
Michael Scott: Give-okay. Alright, give it up.
Luke: No!
Michael Scott: (bending Luke over desk, spanking him repeatedly) You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke: What the?
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke: Hey, (bleep) this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good? (Luke runs out crying) You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.
Kevin Malone: That was awesome!
Stanley Hudson: Texas justice.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, your nephew is so lame.
Creed Bratton: He's been trashing us relentlessly on Twitter. Yeah, it's funny stuff, but mean.
Jim Halpert: You follow him on Twitter?
Creed Bratton: Everywhere I look it's Betty White this and Betty White that. Finally a kid that's not talking about Betty White. Of course I follow him.
Gabe Lewis: Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Michael Scott: Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?
Jim Halpert: Pam?
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey Jim. Some prankster switched the elevator buttons on Dwight.
Jim Halpert: I did not do this.
Pam Beesly: I know. Yeah, and it was going really great at first. I got video.
Jim Halpert: This is impressive.
Pam Beesly: Well, you know... they don't call me the Bart Simpson of Scranton for nothing.
Jim Halpert: Do they call you that?
Pam Beesly: They do call me that.
Jim Halpert: Come on, give me your hand. I'll help you down.
Pam Beesly: Nope. Scared of getting cut in half. Also, there's pee on the floor.
Jim Halpert: Oh! Of course there is. Hey, Chinese tonight?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Great.
Dwight Schrute: How ya doin'?
Jim Halpert: Pretty good. You must be almost out of water.
Pam Beesly: Stop drinking the water! Stop!
Andy Bernard: (Phyllis and Andy act out Luke getting spanked) No, no, no, no. It's the other hand. Right hand. Yeah.
Michael Scott: Would have been nice to work with my family. It would have been nice if Luke had been able to stay here. But he couldn't. These things seldom work out. I don't know how Ringling Brothers do it. Night after night, town after town, all across America. You would think they'd be sick of each other by now. But, clearly, they make it work. And my hat's off to them.
Andy Bernard: (Dwight starts aggressively spanking Andy) Whoa! Whoa! Hey. Whoa. Dwight! Stop!
Gabe Lewis: Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
Michael Scott: That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery.
Gabe Lewis: Good. Well, that's the spirit.
Michael Scott: I can do that.
Gabe Lewis: And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors.
Michael Scott: Okay. Wait, what?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael.
Michael Scott: Is there another option?
Gabe Lewis: The alternative is termination. (Michael stares off, considering termination...)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 7. Nepotism is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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