Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

China

Vol. 7 · Issue 10Scranton, PA

You've got access to every line from the episode where Michael tries to outsmart 'Actually' Oscar about the rise of China. Read the full script to see how Pam handles Dwight's ridiculous landlord rules and his half-ply toilet paper. It’s all the dialogue you remember, from the fake office search to Nate's 'eensy sec' on the phone.

Scene 01

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(picks up pencil between his toes)
Jim Halpert
Why?
Dwight Schrute
Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. (attempts to place pencil in pencil sharpener) Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes. (accidentally kicks items from his desk onto Pam's)
Pam Beesly
Do you mind?
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter.
Pam Beesly
You don't have to do that.
Dwight Schrute
(typing with his toes) D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear.
Jim Halpert
(whistling, places cup of coffee onto Dwight's desk) Ahh, Thank you hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do.
Dwight Schrute
(lifts cup up with toes)
Jim Halpert
Oh, don't worry about it. Dwight, its okay. You were wrong.
Dwight Schrute
(spills hot coffee on himself) Uhh, aah!
Jim Halpert
Well, A for effort right?
Dwight Schrute
(taps Jim's hand with his foot)

Scene 02

6 lines
Hank Tate
Welcome, start your morning right with a burst of blueberry. Or try plain.
Andy Bernard
What's the occasion?
Hank Tate
Dwight said this entry was a waste of space.
Andy Bernard
I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor.
Hank Tate
Eight dollars.
Andy Bernard
Eight dollars?

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.

Scene 04

11 lines
Michael Scott
(examines items on the reception desk) Mmhmm, China. China.
Erin Hannon
How was the dentist?
Michael Scott
It was great. China.
Pam Beesly
Are you okay, what's wrong?
Michael Scott
Everything here was made in China, Pam.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, its where they make stuff.
Michael Scott
They used to make stuff in America, Andy. But we're falling behind, did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir.
Erin Hannon
Oh, no.
Michael Scott
Yeah, right here. It is right there. (holds up magazine) Anybody read the news any more?
Dwight Schrute
China is on the move?
Michael Scott
I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read, that's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight.

Scene 06

7 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey Andy.
Andy Bernard
Hey Darryl.
Darryl Philbin
You gotta stop texting me so much.
Andy Bernard
But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane.
Darryl Philbin
You need to change your standard for what's worthy of a text. Ask yourself is this something Darryl needs to know. The answers almost always no.
Andy Bernard
Got it. Then I will call you.
Darryl Philbin
No.

Scene 07

1 line
Darryl Philbin
There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. "I'm coming over baby." And I would text back "BTB", bring that booty.

Scene 08

23 lines
Stanley Hudson
Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply?
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.
Pam Beesly
Umm, Stanley. Maybe you could just unspool a little more each time you need to...
Stanley Hudson
Don't tell me how to do my business.
Dwight Schrute
Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner.
Jim Halpert
Which is you.
Dwight Schrute
"Which is you" is not a sentence.
Jim Halpert
I disagree with.
Stanley Hudson
Are you just gonna sit there, Office Administrator, or are you going to do something?
Pam Beesly
Dwight, can we talk about these cutbacks.
Dwight Schrute
Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment.
Pam Beesly
I'm not going to do that.
Dwight Schrute
Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy.
Nate Nickerson
(on the phone) Y'ello.
Pam Beesly
Hi Nate, Its Pam Halpert.
Nate Nickerson
Oh, hey Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hey, I would just love to schedule a meeting today with Dwight.
Nate Nickerson
Let me put you on hold for just one 'eensy sec.
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Dwight Schrute
(answers phone) Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up.
Nate Nickerson
Hey Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police in connection with a string of dog-nappings that ha...
Pam Beesly
(hangs up phone) Dwight. Dwight. Can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with, people he's worked with for years. His friends.
Dwight Schrute
You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity. (Kevin smiles)

Scene 09

6 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh my God.
Michael Scott
What?
Erin Hannon
According to the internet, the tallest man in the world is Chinese.
Michael Scott
So much for keeping our secrets up high.
Erin Hannon
What's America gonna do?
Michael Scott
I know what we're going to do. We're going to put our best minds on it.

Scene 10

15 lines
Michael Scott
Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower, where forks are irrelevant, and where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes.
Angela Martin
You never told us to close them.
Michael Scott
Welcome to your future.
Phyllis Vance
What do we do? How do we stop this?
Michael Scott
How do we stop it? With a big idea. That's what America is built on, big ideas. Blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Whose got one, whose got a big idea?
Pam Beesly
An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon?
Michael Scott
Yes, indeed. Yes Kevin.
Kevin Malone
An antacid that you only take once a week.
Michael Scott
Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes.
Kevin Malone
Michael! An antacid pill that you take once every six weeks.
Stanley Hudson
Why not just go one for the year?
Michael Scott
I don't know.
Kevin Malone
It's too big of a pill to swallow.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Erin Hannon
What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy, and then we all kill him, but first we take out like a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy. I bet you guys like that idea don't you?

Scene 11

1 line
Erin Hannon
I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing.

Scene 12

25 lines
Michael Scott
I don't know what the (expletive) that was.
Dwight Schrute
I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, Dwight's right we should drop a bomb.
Michael Scott
No he's not right. We're not. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are fifty six cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine.
Erin Hannon
(gasps)
Oscar Martinez
Actually, that's not true. I know the figure you're referring to, and it's a projection of fifteen years from now.
Kevin Malone
Thank God.
Michael Scott
No, no. That is right now.
Oscar Martinez
Michael, China's agrarian. Urbanizing fast? You bet 'cha, but still agrarian.
Michael Scott
In terms of land, not population.
Oscar Martinez
Come on Michael. You can...
Michael Scott
No, no you're wrong about this.
Oscar Martinez
Where are you getting this information?
Michael Scott
I got it from NewYorkTimes.com
Kevin Malone
Uh oh, getting nervous Oscar?
Jim Halpert
Okay, someone look it up.
Ryan Howard
I'm on it Jim. I'm on it.
Oscar Martinez
Guys its not worth it really. Guys this is not worth our time.
Darryl Philbin
(reads text) "Are you watching this?" Seriously?
Andy Bernard
Well are you?
Darryl Philbin
I'm sitting right here.
Ryan Howard
Got it. China has fifty six cities with a population of over one million. The US has... nine.
Meredith Palmer
Suck it Oscar.
Jim Halpert
Well on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael.
Oscar Martinez
Great. I was wrong. I'm wrong. Is everyone happy?

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? (laughs) I don't care.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar?

Scene 15

10 lines
Meredith Palmer
Wow, so this building can get uglier.
Stanley Hudson
I will not work in a roach billboard.
Gabe Lewis
Oh my God, I can't look at roaches.
Angela Martin
Michael do something about this.
Michael Scott
Absolutely, Pam this is exactly why I hired you as Office Administrator, handle it. Taking care of business.
Pam Beesly
Dwight take it down.
Dwight Schrute
(chuckles)
Pam Beesly
I'm serious, take it down or else.
Dwight Schrute
Or else? Or else what? There's nothing you can do.
Pam Beesly
We can move out.

Scene 16

1 line
Angela Martin
(lights turn off) Really? (jumps to try and activate motion sensor, Kevin walks through the door setting it off, and the lights come back on)

Scene 17

24 lines
Pam Beesly
So, does anyone wanna know where I've been for the last 2 hours?
Jim Halpert
Oh God, I've been playing Zombie Soccer for two hours?
Pam Beesly
I went out to look for a better office space.
Dwight Schrute
Waste of time.
Pam Beesly
Not really, because I found one.
Jim Halpert
Oh wow, these are nice.
Pam Beesly
Yup.
Dwight Schrute
Let me see.
Pam Beesly
Look at the huge offices Jim, check out that conference room.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, yeah. Totally.
Dwight Schrute
You can't just move out.
Pam Beesly
Oh in three months we can. Check the lease, and if you don't undo all the changes you've made, we're moving. Hey guys, can I show you some pictures.
Andy Bernard
(without looking at the pictures) Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you.
Pam Beesly
They're not of Cece.
Andy Bernard
Oh, cool.
Pam Beesly
This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office.
Phyllis Vance
Well I like being in the same building as Bob. Keeps me honest.
Pam Beesly
Well, this building isn't far, and its much newer. There's a dry cleaner, nail place and a gym. Oh, and it's next-door to and Outback so it always smells like steak.
Stanley Hudson
Are you trying to kill me?
Kelly Kapoor
Is the nail place Koreans or whites?
Pam Beesly
Koreans.
Kelly Kapoor
Good. And the dry cleaners?
Pam Beesly
White.
Kelly Kapoor
Good.

Scene 18

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Woah, there is a lot of brainpower in this room. We've got Michael and Oscar, the two smartest guys in the office, also in that order.
Oscar Martinez
Funny Jim. That is funny.
Michael Scott
Very comedically humorous Jim.
Kelly Kapoor
I have a computer question. Hey Oscar?
Oscar Martinez
What is it?
Kelly Kapoor
Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael?
Oscar Martinez
Alright. Alright I get it.
Kelly Kapoor
Michael, how do I create a new tab?
Michael Scott
Try 'Control P'.
Oscar Martinez
That's print.
Michael Scott
Not if the printer isn't hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar.
Kelly Kapoor
Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you.
Oscar Martinez
He's... he's not smarter than me, he was just right about one thing.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, but it was a really smart thing to be right about, actually.
Ryan Howard
Actually, it was.

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
Around here, Oscar is known as 'actually' because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts, or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.

Scene 20

6 lines
Darryl Philbin
(reading text) Megan Fox. Question mark. What's that mean?
Andy Bernard
Megan Fox! Come on!
Darryl Philbin
You know what, you're one bad text away from getting blocked.
Andy Bernard
Yes, but one good text away from a high five.
Darryl Philbin
You accept these terms?
Andy Bernard
Oh, its on.

Scene 21

24 lines
Dwight Schrute
In your perfect would, what would make this building awesome? I'm putting together kind of a wish list.
Kevin Malone
Well, I wish for a million wishes.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, no. I'm not a genie. I'm just talking about a...
Kevin Malone
Then see you later building.
Dwight Schrute
You can't possibly be serious.
Kevin Malone
I said see you later building.
Oscar Martinez
Hey Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey.
Oscar Martinez
I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China.
Michael Scott
Mmm.
Oscar Martinez
I'd love to talk more about it.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Oscar Martinez
Maybe over some coffee later?
Michael Scott
Sure.
Jim Halpert
Woah, woah, woah. Do you know what you just agreed to?
Michael Scott
Coffee Jim.
Jim Halpert
No.
Andy Bernard
It is not just coffee.
Jim Halpert
He's trying to set you up Michael. What's going to happen is he's going to try and bring up what ever you're talking about in a very casual way, but secretly he'll be trying to trip you up, and when he does, boom, its awful. Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up the Tour de France around him?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Andy Bernard
And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small.
Michael Scott
Alright, well I just need to learn everything about China. To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time. Okay, okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary.
Jim Halpert
No politics?
Michael Scott
I'm pretty good on politics. "California is bankrupt, and California, California." (Jim and Andy follow Michael into his office) What?

Scene 22

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Parley, my office, five minutes.
Pam Beesly
Parley?
Creed Bratton
Pirate code, he wants to meet.
Pam Beesly
So everyone here knows pirate code?
Creed Bratton
I understand it, I can't speak it.

Scene 23

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap.
Pam Beesly
You've been watering down the soap?
Dwight Schrute
Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?
Pam Beesly
We need everything back the way it was.
Dwight Schrute
You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping.
Pam Beesly
That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. (lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor)

Scene 24

20 lines
Ryan Howard
Where is Tibet?
Michael Scott
Pass.
Ryan Howard
When was China founded?
Michael Scott
Pass.
Jim Halpert
Two for two, keep it up.
Ryan Howard
Who is Mao?
Michael Scott
Lifeline.
Andy Bernard
Damn it. Michael, you are moments away from the smack down of your life. If you don't know something, steer the conversation back to something you do know.
Michael Scott
I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs.
Jim Halpert
What do you know about boobs?
Andy Bernard
Michael, I have to tell you something it's from Rocky II.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
This guy doesn't just wanna win. Y'know, he want's to bury you. He wants to humiliate you!
Michael Scott
Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take?
Andy Bernard
I'm like a quarter of the way through.
Michael Scott
Is it going to be worth it?
Andy Bernard
No.
Ryan Howard
Just in case Michael, I made you a cheat sheet.
Michael Scott
I don't need to cheat.
Jim Halpert
Show him how to use it.

Scene 25

20 lines
Nate Nickerson
(riding in car, looking for new office) Ten thousand seven hundred and six.
Dwight Schrute
Here it is, right here, pull over. Oh my God. No way. Man, look at that.
Nate Nickerson
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
There's no building. This could only mean one thing.
Nate Nickerson
The building's underground?
Dwight Schrute
She was lying. Oh, Pam, Pam...
Dwight & Nate
Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam.
Passer-by
Yeah?
Nate Nickerson
Pam. Pam?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Passer-by
I'm Pam.
Dwight Schrute
Oh.
Nate Nickerson
No you're not.
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry. We have a colleague with the same name.
Passer-by
Oh, that's fine.
Dwight Schrute
So, okay. You're not a liar too are you?
Passer-by
I've been known to bend the truth.
Dwight Schrute
Damn it, Pam. Get out. Right now. Leave it, I mean it. Get the hell out of here. Go.
Passer-by
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam.

Scene 26

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Dwight Schrute
Y'know what, I'm the only one here who you haven't asked about the new office.
Pam Beesly
I know, because you're the reason we're moving.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, but I'm still an employee here, and that part of me is really excited about the change of scenery. What's the square footage in the new place?
Pam Beesly
Uhh, I think it's something like umm...
Dwight Schrute
What's the exact square footage.
Pam Beesly
Umm, let me see.
Dwight Schrute
How many offices are there? Oh I'll just look at the one sheet myself.
Pam Beesly
Oh, actually I don't know what I did with the one sheet. Y'know, that's the problem. You only have one sheet.
Dwight Schrute
(chuckles) You're a funny guy Pam. What's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? I'm going to walk down the hall and say "Wow, I can't believe this is real, but it is." I can't wait.
Pam Beesly
Mmhmm.

Scene 27

12 lines
Pam Beesly
I lied about some aspects of the building.
Jim Halpert
It's still on a bike path though right?
Pam Beesly
There's no building... it doesn't exist.
Jim Halpert
What does that mean?
Pam Beesly
I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna...
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
Fail. I don't want to fail... again.
Jim Halpert
But you didn't fail.
Pam Beesly
And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales.
Jim Halpert
And you didn't fail those things either.
Pam Beesly
Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?
Jim Halpert
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Scene 28

4 lines
Oscar Martinez
Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is that I've been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated.
Michael Scott
Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast?
Oscar Martinez
We have missiles too.
Michael Scott
Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon.

Scene 29

5 lines
Nate Nickerson
I wasn't here. (places a book in front of Pam)
Pam Beesly
What?
Nate Nickerson
I wasn't here. It's a pretty common saying. You may want to log it away for future use.
Pam Beesly
Well thanks.
Nate Nickerson
Yeah.

Scene 30

5 lines
Michael Scott
China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us.
Oscar Martinez
Actually, we're in a mild recession right now. I'll give you that, but people use China as the boogie man for all their problems. In the nineteen eighties, it was Japan.
Michael Scott
How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?
Oscar Martinez
Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy's heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? I'd say that's far more relevant. Wouldn't you?
Michael Scott
Don't... I...

Scene 31

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Hello, hello. You're breaking the law.
Dwight Schrute
Impossible, I love the law.
Pam Beesly
Read article nineteen. There are suitable standards that you have to maintain the building at that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two, and no more tampering with the toilet paper.
Dwight Schrute
I see I've underestimated you, and I didn't think that was possible. Nate, reply the paper.
Nate Nickerson
I don't think it goes that way.
Dwight Schrute
Reply it!

Scene 32

16 lines
Oscar Martinez
Don't worry about the coffee, its on me.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I figured that.
Oscar Martinez
Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat.
Michael Scott
Wait. You forgetting something?
Oscar Martinez
What?
Michael Scott
This chat. Two men, one white, one latina. A boss and a money cruncher. I could fire you.
Erin Hannon
Fire him. No, show mercy.
Michael Scott
Here we are.
Oscar Martinez
What's your point.
Michael Scott
My point is... that as long as people like you and me don't stop talking, nobody can stop the USA.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. (clapping)
Erin Hannon
Right, yes.
Michael Scott
I am talking about freedom, about choice. America, I don't think you need to worry. Because if you want to beat China you will. If you don't, that's fine. That my friend, is your victory. Y'know, a lot of people say if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China, and that may be the true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend. So here is to conversation.
Oscar Martinez
That's not.
Michael Scott
Raise your cups on high. Case closed.
Oscar Martinez
That wasn't what we were discu... That wasn't the whole...

Scene 33

1 line
Dwight Schrute
They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion.

Scene 34

1 line
Darryl Philbin
(reads text) Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action?

Scene 35

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Shhh. You're gonna scare 'em away. (two pigeons are eating out of a soft serve cone)
Darryl Philbin
(laughs) That's a text. (high fives Andy)
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Right.
Darryl Philbin
That's your new standard.