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Season 7 Episode 10

Every line from The Office episode "China", season 7 episode 10.

Dwight Schrute: (picks up pencil between his toes)
Jim Halpert: Why?
Dwight Schrute: Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. (attempts to place pencil in pencil sharpener) Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes. (accidentally kicks items from his desk onto Pam's)
Pam Beesly: Do you mind?
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter.
Pam Beesly: You don't have to do that.
Dwight Schrute: (typing with his toes) D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear.
Jim Halpert: (whistling, places cup of coffee onto Dwight's desk) Ahh, Thank you hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do.
Dwight Schrute: (lifts cup up with toes)
Jim Halpert: Oh, don't worry about it. Dwight, its okay. You were wrong.
Dwight Schrute: (spills hot coffee on himself) Uhh, aah!
Jim Halpert: Well, A for effort right?
Dwight Schrute: (taps Jim's hand with his foot)
Hank Tate: Welcome, start your morning right with a burst of blueberry. Or try plain.
Andy Bernard: What's the occasion?
Hank Tate: Dwight said this entry was a waste of space.
Andy Bernard: I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor.
Hank Tate: Eight dollars.
Andy Bernard: Eight dollars?
Dwight Schrute: Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.
Michael Scott: (examines items on the reception desk) Mmhmm, China. China.
Erin Hannon: How was the dentist?
Michael Scott: It was great. China.
Pam Beesly: Are you okay, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything here was made in China, Pam.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, its where they make stuff.
Michael Scott: They used to make stuff in America, Andy. But we're falling behind, did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir.
Erin Hannon: Oh, no.
Michael Scott: Yeah, right here. It is right there. (holds up magazine) Anybody read the news any more?
Dwight Schrute: China is on the move?
Michael Scott: I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read, that's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again.
Michael Scott: My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight.
Darryl Philbin: Hey Andy.
Andy Bernard: Hey Darryl.
Darryl Philbin: You gotta stop texting me so much.
Andy Bernard: But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane.
Darryl Philbin: You need to change your standard for what's worthy of a text. Ask yourself is this something Darryl needs to know. The answers almost always no.
Andy Bernard: Got it. Then I will call you.
Darryl Philbin: No.
Darryl Philbin: There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. "I'm coming over baby." And I would text back "BTB", bring that booty.
Stanley Hudson: Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply?
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.
Pam Beesly: Umm, Stanley. Maybe you could just unspool a little more each time you need to...
Stanley Hudson: Don't tell me how to do my business.
Dwight Schrute: Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner.
Jim Halpert: Which is you.
Dwight Schrute: "Which is you" is not a sentence.
Jim Halpert: I disagree with.
Stanley Hudson: Are you just gonna sit there, Office Administrator, or are you going to do something?
Pam Beesly: Dwight, can we talk about these cutbacks.
Dwight Schrute: Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment.
Pam Beesly: I'm not going to do that.
Dwight Schrute: Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy.
Nate Nickerson: (on the phone) Y'ello.
Pam Beesly: Hi Nate, Its Pam Halpert.
Nate Nickerson: Oh, hey Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hey, I would just love to schedule a meeting today with Dwight.
Nate Nickerson: Let me put you on hold for just one 'eensy sec.
Pam Beesly: Sure.
Dwight Schrute: (answers phone) Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up.
Nate Nickerson: Hey Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police in connection with a string of dog-nappings that ha...
Pam Beesly: (hangs up phone) Dwight. Dwight. Can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with, people he's worked with for years. His friends.
Dwight Schrute: You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity. (Kevin smiles)
Erin Hannon: Oh my God.
Michael Scott: What?
Erin Hannon: According to the internet, the tallest man in the world is Chinese.
Michael Scott: So much for keeping our secrets up high.
Erin Hannon: What's America gonna do?
Michael Scott: I know what we're going to do. We're going to put our best minds on it.
Michael Scott: Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower, where forks are irrelevant, and where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes.
Angela Martin: You never told us to close them.
Michael Scott: Welcome to your future.
Phyllis Vance: What do we do? How do we stop this?
Michael Scott: How do we stop it? With a big idea. That's what America is built on, big ideas. Blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Whose got one, whose got a big idea?
Pam Beesly: An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon?
Michael Scott: Yes, indeed. Yes Kevin.
Kevin Malone: An antacid that you only take once a week.
Michael Scott: Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes.
Kevin Malone: Michael! An antacid pill that you take once every six weeks.
Stanley Hudson: Why not just go one for the year?
Michael Scott: I don't know.
Kevin Malone: It's too big of a pill to swallow.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Erin Hannon: What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy, and then we all kill him, but first we take out like a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy. I bet you guys like that idea don't you?
Erin Hannon: I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing.
Michael Scott: I don't know what the (expletive) that was.
Dwight Schrute: I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, Dwight's right we should drop a bomb.
Michael Scott: No he's not right. We're not. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are fifty six cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine.
Erin Hannon: (gasps)
Oscar Martinez: Actually, that's not true. I know the figure you're referring to, and it's a projection of fifteen years from now.
Kevin Malone: Thank God.
Michael Scott: No, no. That is right now.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, China's agrarian. Urbanizing fast? You bet 'cha, but still agrarian.
Michael Scott: In terms of land, not population.
Oscar Martinez: Come on Michael. You can...
Michael Scott: No, no you're wrong about this.
Oscar Martinez: Where are you getting this information?
Michael Scott: I got it from
Kevin Malone: Uh oh, getting nervous Oscar?
Jim Halpert: Okay, someone look it up.
Ryan Howard: I'm on it Jim. I'm on it.
Oscar Martinez: Guys its not worth it really. Guys this is not worth our time.
Darryl Philbin: (reads text) "Are you watching this?" Seriously?
Andy Bernard: Well are you?
Darryl Philbin: I'm sitting right here.
Ryan Howard: Got it. China has fifty six cities with a population of over one million. The US has... nine.
Meredith Palmer: Suck it Oscar.
Jim Halpert: Well on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael.
Oscar Martinez: Great. I was wrong. I'm wrong. Is everyone happy?
Michael Scott: So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? (laughs) I don't care.
Michael Scott: Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar?
Meredith Palmer: Wow, so this building can get uglier.
Stanley Hudson: I will not work in a roach billboard.
Gabe Lewis: Oh my God, I can't look at roaches.
Angela Martin: Michael do something about this.
Michael Scott: Absolutely, Pam this is exactly why I hired you as Office Administrator, handle it. Taking care of business.
Pam Beesly: Dwight take it down.
Dwight Schrute: (chuckles)
Pam Beesly: I'm serious, take it down or else.
Dwight Schrute: Or else? Or else what? There's nothing you can do.
Pam Beesly: We can move out.
Angela Martin: (lights turn off) Really? (jumps to try and activate motion sensor, Kevin walks through the door setting it off, and the lights come back on)
Pam Beesly: So, does anyone wanna know where I've been for the last 2 hours?
Jim Halpert: Oh God, I've been playing Zombie Soccer for two hours?
Pam Beesly: I went out to look for a better office space.
Dwight Schrute: Waste of time.
Pam Beesly: Not really, because I found one.
Jim Halpert: Oh wow, these are nice.
Pam Beesly: Yup.
Dwight Schrute: Let me see.
Pam Beesly: Look at the huge offices Jim, check out that conference room.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, yeah. Totally.
Dwight Schrute: You can't just move out.
Pam Beesly: Oh in three months we can. Check the lease, and if you don't undo all the changes you've made, we're moving. Hey guys, can I show you some pictures.
Andy Bernard: (without looking at the pictures) Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you.
Pam Beesly: They're not of Cece.
Andy Bernard: Oh, cool.
Pam Beesly: This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office.
Phyllis Vance: Well I like being in the same building as Bob. Keeps me honest.
Pam Beesly: Well, this building isn't far, and its much newer. There's a dry cleaner, nail place and a gym. Oh, and it's next-door to and Outback so it always smells like steak.
Stanley Hudson: Are you trying to kill me?
Kelly Kapoor: Is the nail place Koreans or whites?
Pam Beesly: Koreans.
Kelly Kapoor: Good. And the dry cleaners?
Pam Beesly: White.
Kelly Kapoor: Good.
Jim Halpert: Woah, there is a lot of brainpower in this room. We've got Michael and Oscar, the two smartest guys in the office, also in that order.
Oscar Martinez: Funny Jim. That is funny.
Michael Scott: Very comedically humorous Jim.
Kelly Kapoor: I have a computer question. Hey Oscar?
Oscar Martinez: What is it?
Kelly Kapoor: Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael?
Oscar Martinez: Alright. Alright I get it.
Kelly Kapoor: Michael, how do I create a new tab?
Michael Scott: Try 'Control P'.
Oscar Martinez: That's print.
Michael Scott: Not if the printer isn't hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar.
Kelly Kapoor: Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you.
Oscar Martinez: He's... he's not smarter than me, he was just right about one thing.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, but it was a really smart thing to be right about, actually.
Ryan Howard: Actually, it was.
Jim Halpert: Around here, Oscar is known as 'actually' because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts, or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.
Darryl Philbin: (reading text) Megan Fox. Question mark. What's that mean?
Andy Bernard: Megan Fox! Come on!
Darryl Philbin: You know what, you're one bad text away from getting blocked.
Andy Bernard: Yes, but one good text away from a high five.
Darryl Philbin: You accept these terms?
Andy Bernard: Oh, its on.
Dwight Schrute: In your perfect would, what would make this building awesome? I'm putting together kind of a wish list.
Kevin Malone: Well, I wish for a million wishes.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, no. I'm not a genie. I'm just talking about a...
Kevin Malone: Then see you later building.
Dwight Schrute: You can't possibly be serious.
Kevin Malone: I said see you later building.
Oscar Martinez: Hey Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Oscar Martinez: I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China.
Michael Scott: Mmm.
Oscar Martinez: I'd love to talk more about it.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Oscar Martinez: Maybe over some coffee later?
Michael Scott: Sure.
Jim Halpert: Woah, woah, woah. Do you know what you just agreed to?
Michael Scott: Coffee Jim.
Jim Halpert: No.
Andy Bernard: It is not just coffee.
Jim Halpert: He's trying to set you up Michael. What's going to happen is he's going to try and bring up what ever you're talking about in a very casual way, but secretly he'll be trying to trip you up, and when he does, boom, its awful. Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up the Tour de France around him?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Andy Bernard: And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small.
Michael Scott: Alright, well I just need to learn everything about China. To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time. Okay, okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary.
Jim Halpert: No politics?
Michael Scott: I'm pretty good on politics. "California is bankrupt, and California, California." (Jim and Andy follow Michael into his office) What?
Dwight Schrute: Parley, my office, five minutes.
Pam Beesly: Parley?
Creed Bratton: Pirate code, he wants to meet.
Pam Beesly: So everyone here knows pirate code?
Creed Bratton: I understand it, I can't speak it.
Dwight Schrute: Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap.
Pam Beesly: You've been watering down the soap?
Dwight Schrute: Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?
Pam Beesly: We need everything back the way it was.
Dwight Schrute: You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping.
Pam Beesly: That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. (lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor)
Ryan Howard: Where is Tibet?
Michael Scott: Pass.
Ryan Howard: When was China founded?
Michael Scott: Pass.
Jim Halpert: Two for two, keep it up.
Ryan Howard: Who is Mao?
Michael Scott: Lifeline.
Andy Bernard: Damn it. Michael, you are moments away from the smack down of your life. If you don't know something, steer the conversation back to something you do know.
Michael Scott: I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs.
Jim Halpert: What do you know about boobs?
Andy Bernard: Michael, I have to tell you something it's from Rocky II.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: This guy doesn't just wanna win. Y'know, he want's to bury you. He wants to humiliate you!
Michael Scott: Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take?
Andy Bernard: I'm like a quarter of the way through.
Michael Scott: Is it going to be worth it?
Andy Bernard: No.
Ryan Howard: Just in case Michael, I made you a cheat sheet.
Michael Scott: I don't need to cheat.
Jim Halpert: Show him how to use it.
Nate Nickerson: (riding in car, looking for new office) Ten thousand seven hundred and six.
Dwight Schrute: Here it is, right here, pull over. Oh my God. No way. Man, look at that.
Nate Nickerson: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: There's no building. This could only mean one thing.
Nate Nickerson: The building's underground?
Dwight Schrute: She was lying. Oh, Pam, Pam...
Dwight & Nate: Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam.
Passer-by: Yeah?
Nate Nickerson: Pam. Pam?
Dwight Schrute: What?
Passer-by: I'm Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Oh.
Nate Nickerson: No you're not.
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry. We have a colleague with the same name.
Passer-by: Oh, that's fine.
Dwight Schrute: So, okay. You're not a liar too are you?
Passer-by: I've been known to bend the truth.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it, Pam. Get out. Right now. Leave it, I mean it. Get the hell out of here. Go.
Passer-by: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly: Yeah?
Dwight Schrute: Y'know what, I'm the only one here who you haven't asked about the new office.
Pam Beesly: I know, because you're the reason we're moving.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but I'm still an employee here, and that part of me is really excited about the change of scenery. What's the square footage in the new place?
Pam Beesly: Uhh, I think it's something like umm...
Dwight Schrute: What's the exact square footage.
Pam Beesly: Umm, let me see.
Dwight Schrute: How many offices are there? Oh I'll just look at the one sheet myself.
Pam Beesly: Oh, actually I don't know what I did with the one sheet. Y'know, that's the problem. You only have one sheet.
Dwight Schrute: (chuckles) You're a funny guy Pam. What's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? I'm going to walk down the hall and say "Wow, I can't believe this is real, but it is." I can't wait.
Pam Beesly: Mmhmm.
Pam Beesly: I lied about some aspects of the building.
Jim Halpert: It's still on a bike path though right?
Pam Beesly: There's no building... it doesn't exist.
Jim Halpert: What does that mean?
Pam Beesly: I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna...
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: Fail. I don't want to fail... again.
Jim Halpert: But you didn't fail.
Pam Beesly: And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales.
Jim Halpert: And you didn't fail those things either.
Pam Beesly: Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it?
Jim Halpert: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is that I've been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated.
Michael Scott: Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast?
Oscar Martinez: We have missiles too.
Michael Scott: Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon.
Nate Nickerson: I wasn't here. (places a book in front of Pam)
Pam Beesly: What?
Nate Nickerson: I wasn't here. It's a pretty common saying. You may want to log it away for future use.
Pam Beesly: Well thanks.
Nate Nickerson: Yeah.
Michael Scott: China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us.
Oscar Martinez: Actually, we're in a mild recession right now. I'll give you that, but people use China as the boogie man for all their problems. In the nineteen eighties, it was Japan.
Michael Scott: How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%?
Oscar Martinez: Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy's heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? I'd say that's far more relevant. Wouldn't you?
Michael Scott: Don't... I...
Pam Beesly: Hello, hello. You're breaking the law.
Dwight Schrute: Impossible, I love the law.
Pam Beesly: Read article nineteen. There are suitable standards that you have to maintain the building at that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two, and no more tampering with the toilet paper.
Dwight Schrute: I see I've underestimated you, and I didn't think that was possible. Nate, reply the paper.
Nate Nickerson: I don't think it goes that way.
Dwight Schrute: Reply it!
Oscar Martinez: Don't worry about the coffee, its on me.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I figured that.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat.
Michael Scott: Wait. You forgetting something?
Oscar Martinez: What?
Michael Scott: This chat. Two men, one white, one latina. A boss and a money cruncher. I could fire you.
Erin Hannon: Fire him. No, show mercy.
Michael Scott: Here we are.
Oscar Martinez: What's your point.
Michael Scott: My point is... that as long as people like you and me don't stop talking, nobody can stop the USA.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. (clapping)
Erin Hannon: Right, yes.
Michael Scott: I am talking about freedom, about choice. America, I don't think you need to worry. Because if you want to beat China you will. If you don't, that's fine. That my friend, is your victory. Y'know, a lot of people say if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China, and that may be the true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend. So here is to conversation.
Oscar Martinez: That's not.
Michael Scott: Raise your cups on high. Case closed.
Oscar Martinez: That wasn't what we were discu... That wasn't the whole...
Dwight Schrute: They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion.
Darryl Philbin: (reads text) Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action?
Andy Bernard: Shhh. You're gonna scare 'em away. (two pigeons are eating out of a soft serve cone)
Darryl Philbin: (laughs) That's a text. (high fives Andy)
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Right.
Darryl Philbin: That's your new standard.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 10 season 7. China is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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