All Episodes

Season 7 Episode 11
Classy Christmas

Every line from The Office episode "Classy Christmas", season 7 episode 11.

Nate Nickerson: Got it. (taking a group photo outside)
Pam Beesly: Okay let's go in. I'm freezing.
Michael Scott: People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one.
Jim Halpert: One Charlie's Angels. One. Let's go.
Pam Beesly: Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one's putting this on their fridge.
Kevin Malone: Oh, I got it, you guys, how 'bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, 'why I oughta', and the girls are like, 'let's go shopping!'.
Andy Bernard: Let's just jump in the air!
Michael Scott: That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Nate Nickerson: One, two, three. (everyone jumps at different times) Not everyone jumped.
Michael Scott: Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.
Nate Nickerson: One, two, three. (everyone jumps) Still some people not jumping.
Jim Halpert: You gotta be kidding me. Who isn't jumping?
Dwight Schrute: I'll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar.
Phyllis Vance: I am jumping.
Dwight Schrute: You are?
Phyllis Vance: Yes, I'm jumping.
Dwight Schrute: Let me see you jump. (Phyllis barely jumps) Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.
Pam Beesly: I'm freezing.
Nate Nickerson: Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three'.
Erin Hannon: I didn't want to miss it.
Andy Bernard: Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that.
Oscar Martinez: Here's a question nobody's asking: Is this worth it?
Michael Scott: Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes?
Oscar Martinez: Why?
Michael Scott: I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.
Nate Nickerson: Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three, (some people jump) two, (others jump) one, (others jump) zero. (everyone begins to yell)
Michael Scott: We didn't get it.
Pam Beesly: I'm the office administrator now, which means I'm basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head... I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties.
Pam Beesly: It hardly looks fake. It's so lush.
Jim Halpert: Why's it smell real? (Pam shows him a hidden car-freshener) Ah... good one.
Michael Scott: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! (dressed as Santa)
Everyone: Merry Christmas.
Michael Scott: How's everybody doing today?
Erin Hannon: Good.
Michael Scott: How's the party coming along?
Pam Beesly: Great.
Michael Scott: Are we over budget?
Pam Beesly: Nope.
Michael Scott: No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?
Meredith Palmer: Not yet!
Michael Scott: Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What's the problem?
Angela Martin: Nothing. Should be fun.
Michael Scott: So Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?
Stanley Hudson: (cheerily) Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I'm doing fine.
Michael Scott: Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy?
Andy Bernard: Yea?
Michael Scott: Whatcha got?
Andy Bernard: All good, Santa.
Michael Scott: Well, that's a relief. Santa's gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good!
Michael Scott: My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that's what I want. That's what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.
Kelly Kapoor: It's present time, you guys. (all react) Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre.
Gabe Lewis: We just want to say how grateful we are.
Kelly Kapoor: Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, "Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do."
Kelly Kapoor: It's a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve.
Andy Bernard: Hello Kitty's for girls.
Pam Beesly: Nashua got mp3 players.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, I don't even have a laptop.
Kelly Kapoor: I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.
Meredith Palmer: Wow.
Phyllis Vance: Oh God.
Dwight Schrute: Oh come on.
Kelly Kapoor: I said, "I wonder." I didn't say, "I think."
Gabe Lewis: Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets.
Kelly Kapoor: Blankets, what am I, five?
Gabe Lewis: Erin and I make great use of ours.
Gabe Lewis: Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we're still dating?
Darryl Philbin: I'll take one of those pink pouches.
Darryl Philbin: I feel good today. My little girl Jada? It's my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago I had her, and we had the best time. I tivoed her favorite shows, some things I've never heard of. iCarly... You know who's funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He's got a nice way of talking.
Jim Halpert: Hey, it's snowing.
Dwight Schrute: (mocking) Oh, my God! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams, hmm? It's not even a real snow. Look, it's a dusting. Pitiful.
Jim Halpert: (Jim goes outside, makes a snowball, and brings it back inside) Hey, Dwight. (Jim throws the snowball at Dwight and everyone laughs)
Dwight Schrute: Damn it, Jim, you cannot throw snowballs in here!
Jim Halpert: Well, it's not a snowball, 'cause it's only a dusting. Right?
Dwight Schrute: Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You coulda killed me.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Stanley Hudson: Yeah, who's a little girl now? (everyone laughs)
Dwight Schrute: You apologize to me right now.
Jim Halpert: You've got something on your nose.
Dwight Schrute: You apologize right now.
Jim Halpert: No.
Dwight Schrute: Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter.
Jim Halpert: You got it.
Andy Bernard: That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?
Dwight Schrute: No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it. (Jim continues to shake Dwight's hand) Jim, let go. Let go.
Kevin Malone: Angela, are you bringing you new boyfriend to the party.
Angela Martin: I wouldn't subject Robert to that. He's a very busy senator.
Oscar Martinez: State senator.
Angela Martin: I would not expect you to know what it's like to date someone in the public arena.
Oscar Martinez: Who are you dating in the public arena?
Angela Martin: The senator.
Kevin Malone: Oh, right. The state senator.
Angela Martin: We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptroller's wife.
Kevin Malone: Oh, that would be impressive... if anyone knew what a comptroller was.
Oscar Martinez: Well...
Angela Martin: Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. "Angela..." (imitates camera shooting) "over here, Angela..." (imitates camera shooting) "here. Look here!"
Pam Beesly: Before we kick off the party, I just want to remind everyone that an office party is just that...
Michael Scott: Yeah!
Pam Beesly: A party. It's not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind.
Michael Scott: Pam? Pam?
Dwight Schrute: Pam?
Pam Beesly: Wow, there are, there are questions to that. Okay. Um, you know what, no questions. Last item on the agenda, Toby would like to make an announcement.
Toby Flenderson: Hi guys.
Michael Scott: Hi.
Toby Flenderson: Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I'll be taking a leave of absence starting next week.
Michael Scott: Uh, because you've been on the Lam? Because the 'boring police' have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?
Toby Flenderson: Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case.
Michael Scott: Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!
Dwight Schrute: Death to Toby!
Toby Flenderson: Okay, that's hurtful talk. We've talked about that. You know, I don't interrupt your announcements.
Michael Scott: You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do?
Phyllis Vance: What's the case, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Well, I really can't talk about it, but it's a very high profile case.
Andy Bernard: Is it criminal?
Toby Flenderson: Yes.
Andy Bernard: Have we heard of it?
Toby Flenderson: I don't know.
Dwight Schrute: Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?
Toby Flenderson: Come on.
Meredith Palmer: Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?
Toby Flenderson: Guys, it's a really big deal. (rubs his neck)
Ryan Howard: He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck!
Kelly Kapoor: He's rubbing his neck.
Ryan Howard: He's rubbing his neck.
Andy Bernard: Oh, Scranton Strangler! (all react)
Toby Flenderson: I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty. (excited outbursts)
Michael Scott: That was the worst joke ever.
Toby Flenderson: Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye.
Toby Flenderson: Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch.
Michael Scott: What? What?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, uh, she'll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know.
Michael Scott: Hold on, Holly's coming back here?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah.
Erin Hannon: Guys, who's Holly?
Michael Scott: That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future?
Erin Hannon: Wow.
Creed Bratton: She's one sassy black lady.
Michael Scott: Holly's coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party.
Gabe Lewis: I'm not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party.
Michael Scott: You know what, we'll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Cancel. We're canceling it. (Michael starts to throw away all of the food)
Angela Martin: No, don't throw those out!
Michael Scott: No, we have to cancel the party.
Angela Martin: We can save that.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, we're gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new.
Andy Bernard: I bought these.
Michael Scott: I know.
Andy Bernard: These cookies are fine.
Michael Scott: It's not. They're not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.
Pam Beesly: Michael, Michael, wait we don't have, we don't have the budget for another party.
Michael Scott: Well then everybody'll chip in, it'll be fine.
Pam Beesly: I honestly think you're idealizing people here again, Michael. I don't think that's gonna happen.
Michael Scott: You know what, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for the party. It doesn't matter. This is way too important. People, Holly's coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work.
Michael Scott: Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person's breath away.
Michael Scott: We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they've never been cool. (imitating Sean Connery) The name is Bond... Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa... wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can't get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He's not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus... God! Ow! (camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael's pants)
Angela Martin: Just stop moving your calves so much while you're talking.
Michael Scott: Well, this year's gonna be different. We're gonna have fun. It's not gonna be tacky. It's going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It's not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It's gonna be cool, sleek Santa.
Angela Martin: Maybe I'll bring my boyfriend. I'll invite him.
Michael Scott: Okay. Sure.
Angela Martin: I mean, unless there's any chance there could be press at this party.
Michael Scott: You never know about the press.
Angela Martin: Well, I only ask because he's a senator.
Michael Scott: Could he help us with some parking tickets?
Angela Martin: I don't think that's appropriate.
Michael Scott: Well, then he's not a senator.
Angela Martin: Yes, he is.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: We still doing the gifts today? (Pam nods) I mean, it is the Christmas party. Well, the classy Christmas party.
Pam Beesly: Yes. But don't get too excited, 'cause I didn't have a lot of time this year.
Jim Halpert: Me neither. Whew.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Pam Beesly: I've been working forever on Jim's present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He'll take a memory or a private joke, and he'll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes 'bear man'. Wreaks havoc on the office. It's really good.
Jim Halpert: (A note is on Jim's computer that says, "It is time. Parking lot at noon." Jim nods and hands it to Dwight who burns it.)
Michael Scott: Okay... (sighs) Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no!
Pam Beesly: No, it has the little...
Michael Scott: Pam, no, no. Holly's coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it's a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you.
Bass Player: Hi, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Yes, that's me. Come on it.
Michael Scott: (scats awkwardly) There's nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what's better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?
Pam Beesly: Hey, uh, any volunteers to come with me to go buy a Christmas tree?
Kevin Malone: I would, but I don't want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party.
Pam Beesly: Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It's just us.
Andy Bernard: I will help. Although my 'brid', my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won't fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup.
Pam Beesly: Oh, do you mean Darryl? That's a great idea. I'll ask him.
Andy Bernard: You know Darryl?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. He works here. We all know him.
Andy Bernard: I should come along, just 'cause he's my, you know, he's my hookup.
Pam Beesly: Cool.
Darryl Philbin: Come on, now, Justine, look... Listen, look, I've been planning this, okay? You cannot do this, Justine.
Justine: (on the phone) I'm not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here.
Darryl Philbin: She did?
Justine: Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas.
Darryl Philbin: I don't know... I thought I was enough family for my daughter.
Darryl Philbin: (Pam knocks on Darryl's door) Don't come in, I'm busy. (Pam opens the door)
Andy Bernard: It's cool, Darryl, I'm here too.
Pam Beesly: Hey, sorry, I really didn't want to come in. It's just that we have to go buy a new Christmas tree, and we're hoping we could borrow your truck.
Darryl Philbin: Uh, no.
Andy Bernard: Come on, it'll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back.
Darryl Philbin: No. Thank you for your interest in my truck.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Sorry. We'll uh, we'll leave you alone.
Darryl Philbin: Hey... (sighs) You know what, I could use a breath of fresh air. Let's do it.
Michael Scott: When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her.
Erin Hannon: I've looked her up online... there's nothing about her. She's made no impression on the internet.
Michael Scott: She doesn't need an internet presence, you just know.
Erin Hannon: Oh...
Toby Flenderson: Hey.
Michael Scott: What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the courthouse.
Toby Flenderson: Uh, we're on recess. I came for the party. Hey, everyone.
Kevin Malone: Hi, Toby.
Meredith Palmer: What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Meredith Palmer: That scowl.
Toby Flenderson: I can't talk about it or I'll get removed from the jury.
Michael Scott: And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions.
Toby Flenderson: I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But, they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we're just talking.
Jim Halpert: (standing outside, dials Dwight's cell phone)
Dwight Schrute: (voicemail recording) You've reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave... (Jim hangs up and turns for the door. It is pad locked. Jim turns as Dwight springs from a nearby snowman and pelts him with snowballs.)
Dwight Schrute: Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Jim Halpert: Stop! Stop!
Dwight Schrute: Ahh!
Jim Halpert: Oh... oh!
Dwight Schrute: (grunting, shouting)
Dwight Schrute: I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.
Dwight Schrute: (dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim, then rests his foot on Jim and raises his arms in the air) Haahh!! (runs off)
Jim Halpert: Um, I was laying on the ground, defenseless, and uh, he just kept throwing 'em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, (cell phone chimes) then... (reading text message) "How 'bout icing it? lol. Dwight."
Holly Flax: Hi.
Erin Hannon: Hello.
Holly Flax: Is there any way I can get a hand with these, please?
Erin Hannon: I'm really sorry, I can't help you. I'm waiting for my boss' pretty friend to arrive.
Michael Scott: There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God's sake?
Erin Hannon: Oh, you're Holly! Of course. Sorry.
Michael Scott: Hello.
Holly Flax: (weak Clint Eastwood accent) Well, well, well, if it isn't Michael Scott. You old bastard.
Michael Scott: (imitating her accent) Well, I never thought I'd see your face around these parts, you old bastard.
Holly Flax: Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard.
Michael Scott: (as Curly) Why, you're some sorta wise guy, huh?
Holly Flax: (as Curly) I most certainly am.
Michael Scott: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Holly Flax: Unnnnnnngh!
Michael Scott: (as Homer) D'oh!
Holly Flax: (as Marge) Oh, Homey. (they both laugh)
Jim Halpert: Okay... Holly's back.
Michael Scott: Hi. Hi. Oh... (they hug)
Holly Flax: (in monster voice) Oh, huggy monster!
Michael Scott: Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! (both sigh) Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly.
Holly Flax: Hi.
Kevin Malone: Did you bring us anything from Nashua?
Holly Flax: Oh, yeah. I brought um, some maple candy. But I have to admit, I got a little hungry on the drive, and I ate some of them.
Michael Scott: That's adorable.
Holly Flax: Would you put those out?
Erin Hannon: To throw out? Or put out, like, six pieces for everyone?
Holly Flax: Oh, it's so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It's like a party for limousine drivers.
Michael Scott: Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party.
Holly Flax: Oh, it's fabulous. I love what you did.
Michael Scott: Isn't it wonderful? We love it here. Don't you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. (in a stereotyped Mexican accent) I show you to your desk.
Holly Flax: (in the same accent) Watch out for my guns they're both loaded. (makes gun noises)
Michael Scott: What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?
Jim Halpert: Aww...
Holly Flax: It's a pea shoot...
Michael Scott: This is weird. I can't believe you're here. This feels like you never left. Doesn't it?
Holly Flax: Yeah, kind of.
Michael Scott: Oh...
Holly Flax: Oh...
Michael Scott: Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! (the both chuckle) Oh, I love toy...
Holly Flax: AJ gave me that.
Michael Scott: Well, that's understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character?
Holly Flax: Mmhmm.
Michael Scott: You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy's mom.
Holly Flax: Why?
Michael Scott: Because without Andy's mom, there's no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie.
Holly Flax: That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn't seen any of the Toy Story movies.
Michael Scott: You're kidding me. Ahh!
Holly Flax: No. I know. I was like, "What? Are you serious?"
Michael Scott: What a douche bag!
Holly Flax: Get a life!
Michael Scott: Get a... yeah! Good riddance.
Holly Flax: We sat down and we watched them all in one day.
Michael Scott: Mmhmm.
Holly Flax: Now he's the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever.
Michael Scott: Good for him.
Holly Flax: Next day I found him in my bed.
Michael Scott: Really? That's creepy. How did AJ get in your house?
Holly Flax: We live together.
Michael Scott: Oh, you do?
Holly Flax: He had a little note pinned to him that said, "You've got a friend in me."
Michael Scott: (fighting back tears) Yeah, Randy Newman's the best.
Holly Flax: Yeah. I love him.
Michael Scott: Me too.
Andy Bernard: (singing) Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won't you be my Christmas tree.
Pam Beesly: Hey, how about this one?
Andy Bernard: Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is?
Pam Beesly: Maybe. I mean...
Darryl Philbin: (on the phone) I just, no, she be talking to your mom or something. This is my daughter too, Justine! You seem to think, (Justine hangs up) oh... pick a damn tree already.
Pam Beesly: Um, hey, Darryl, listen, it's none of my business, but if I couldn't have Cece for Christmas, I'd be really upset too.
Andy Bernard: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.
Darryl Philbin: Jada don't want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasn't as much fun. And how could she say that? You know, I took her to the toy store to buy her own presents.
Pam Beesly: Well Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents.
Darryl Philbin: Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess that's something to do.
Pam Beesly: No, you should have her mom do the boring Christmas stuff on her time. You should be associated with the fun parts of Christmas.
Darryl Philbin: How do I do that?
Pam Beesly: Bring her to the party. Yeah, we'll have Santa, and we'll play games with her. It'll be a lot of fun.
Andy Bernard: Yes.
Pam Beesly: You'll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night.
Pam Beesly: Hey guys, the tree's here.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Andy Bernard: Nobody hug me, I'm covered in tree sap, so...
Oscar Martinez: Why would someone hug you?
Michael Scott: Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I'm Santa Claus. Welcome.
Darryl Philbin: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: It's a sophisticated take.
Jada: He doesn't look like Santa Claus.
Darryl Philbin: No, he doesn't. (to Michael) I told her Santa would be here.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled.
Pam Beesly: Who told you that?
Michael Scott: Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made.
Phyllis Vance: So is it an open relationship?
Holly Flax: Oh, God, no.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, you're almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids?
Holly Flax: Oh, I want kids. I really want kids. But AJ and I are practically engaged. We talk about spending our lives together.
Kelly Kapoor: So where's the ring?
Pam Beesly: Kelly! Um, how are you adjusting to the move?
Phyllis Vance: Nobody cares about that. Look, you have to make him commit, or kick his butt to the curb.
Pam Beesly: You guys, I don't think any of us are really qualified to be giving Holly personal advice about her love life.
Erin Hannon: Yeah, I mean, maybe Holly's not in any position to be shooing guys away.
Erin Hannon: I don't get it! I'm sorry. I just, I don't get it!
Holly Flax: Okay, listen, I'm gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose by the end of this year, we're over.
Pam Beesly: Wow, an ultimatum.
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: It doesn't really seem like you.
Kelly Kapoor: That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.
Dwight Schrute: (turns in Pam's chair with a Pam wig on and laughs maniacally)
Jim Halpert: Don't. Stop, Dwight! (Dwight pelts Jim with snowballs) Dwight, stop! Dwight, stop!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no. Oh, no!
Jim Halpert: Stop!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no. Yes, taste my wrath!
Jim Halpert: Okay. Okay. Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Huh? You like that?
Jim Halpert: Seriously!
Dwight Schrute: Huh?
Jim Halpert: Okay. Okay. (Dwight throws another snowball and laughs maniacally)
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.
Jim Halpert: I just want it to stop.
Pam Beesly: So, cool right?
Ryan Howard: There's no connection between the origin story and the quest.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Ryan Howard: We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise, it's the bear's quest.
Pam Beesly: Okay, well, I just sorta meant, like, cute, right?
Ryan Howard: Well, did you come here for help, or did you come here for me to tell you how great it is?
Pam Beesly: I mean, help, if it's something simple, like add page numbers or laminate it or...
Ryan Howard: Well, it sounds like you know what you want. (Pam walks away) It's also a little derivative of a serias called 'Bear Man'. Did you look that up?
Pam Beesly: No.
Ryan Howard: Okay.
Toby Flenderson: Oh, Jim. Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Toby.
Toby Flenderson: There's this female uh, uh, stenographer at the courthouse...
Jim Halpert: No way.
Toby Flenderson: Who looks exactly like you.
Jim Halpert: That's increadible.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah. No, it's uncanny.
Jim Halpert: You know what's crazy?
Toby Flenderson: What?
Jim Halpert: I can't reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second. (he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick, misses, and shatters a window, everyone gasps) Excuse me. (clears throat)
Michael Scott: I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don't. And that's just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. (clip of Michael throwing Holly's Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it)
Angela Martin: It's so cold. Even with my coat on.
Meredith Palmer: Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car... for screwing Americans.
Gabe Lewis: Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy.
Holly Flax: You guys, this has to stop. Someone could have really gotten hurt.
Michael Scott: What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic.
Dwight Schrute: I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about? You're the one terrorizing me.
Dwight Schrute: With snowballs, Jim? With fluffy little snowballs? No. I thought we were just playing.
Holly Flax: Dwight's right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. I'm really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here, you were both best friends.
Michael Scott: All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? (he holds up a toy taxi cab) Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, what girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I haven't told you about her.
Dwight Schrute: I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.
Michael Scott: I'm a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that's pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, "Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab."
Holly Flax: I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: I do. She is.
Michael Scott: Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain't Tara.
Phyllis Vance: So you went homemade this year.
Pam Beesly: Yup.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah. Money problems, is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don't think we can help you out.
Pam Beesly: No, no. Jim had a great year, actually. I just wanted to get your opinion.
Phyllis Vance: Are you good at homemade?
Pam Beesly: Look at this.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah...
Holly Flax: (walks in with a dirty Woody) Who did this? It's obvious to me I'm not welcome here, but somebody better tell me who did this, or else I'm leaving.
Phyllis Vance: Well, I don't think Erin seems to like you.
Erin Hannon: That's not true. I don't know her enough to make a decision even.
Michael Scott: What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby's very jealous of all the attention you've been getting.
Toby Flenderson: No, I would never ever do anything like that. But it does seem like something you would do.
Michael Scott: Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn't that nice? Thank you very much.
Kevin Malone: Wait, wait, guys, listen. Toy Story is all about toys that come to life when people aren't looking. You don't think... it's not possible... that Woody did this to himself.
Michael Scott: It is Christmas.
Angela Martin: No, it really seems like something Michael would do.
Michael Scott: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed.
Andy Bernard: Why would anyone frame you for that?
Jim Halpert: Okay, I'm sorry, why are we discounting this whole "Woody came to life" thing so quickly?
Michael Scott: Ahhhhhh! (laughs) Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh?
Holly Flax: You think this is funny?
Michael Scott: (laughs) I don't. But someday I think we will laugh about this... when we tell our kids...
Jim Halpert: Yikes. (everyone gasps)
Kevin Malone: Oh no, that's, that's not happening.
Dwight Schrute: Dear God in heaven.
Michael Scott: All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings.
Holly Flax: Michael, you have to let this go. I'm with someone else. I don't feel that way anymore.
Michael Scott: Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That's what Jim and Dwight thought.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, hey, hey, hey...
Jim Halpert: No, fake girlfriends are always wrong.
Holly Flax: You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I'd get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?
Michael Scott: When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, "Michael, I love you, but I can't do this." But then, with this other guy, you don't have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me.
Holly Flax: Michael, I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: And we did this whole stupid party for you.
Erin Hannon: (blocks Holly's path) No.
Holly Flax: You guys, it wasn't my fault.
Kevin Malone: Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!
Erin Hannon: I really think you're better off.
Michael Scott: Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please?
Erin Hannon: Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something?
Jim Halpert: (walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it, reading the note) "Hey, Pickles, Merry Christmas. Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese." (opens the present and a snowball shoots out at him, everyone laughs) Damn it, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all.
Stanley Hudson: So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?
Toby Flenderson: No, they bring it in.
Stanley Hudson: You lucky son of a bitch.
Stanley Hudson: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... that is the life.
Jada: Daddy, I'm bored. Can I read my book in your office?
Darryl Philbin: Sure, sweetie.
Pam Beesly: Jada, Darryl, I'm so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him?
Pam Beesly: Oh, my goodness.
Andy Bernard: I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.
Darryl Philbin: Ohh, that sounds fun and Christmasy, you mean old grinch!
Jada: What kind of challenges.
Andy Bernard: Wahhh...
Pam Beesly: Something like an obstacle course, Mr. Grinch?
Andy Bernard: No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?
Jada: I don't know.
Andy Bernard: Do you know the other state?
Darryl Philbin: Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star, and we could ask for clues, and he'll tell us if we're hot or cold.
Andy Bernard: The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she's burning up because the star is right behind her ear! (pulls star from coat and pretends to find it behind Jada's ear)
Darryl Philbin: And the game's over seconds later.
Angela Martin: I'm so glad you could come.
Robert California: It's nice. I know.
Angela Martin: Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend, Senator Robert Lipton.
Robert California: Hi.
Oscar Martinez: Senator, it's an honor. I'm Angela's friend Oscar.
Robert California: Oscar. A pleasure.
Oscar Martinez: Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.
AJ: Hi.
Erin Hannon: Hello.
AJ: I'm, uh, I'm AJ. I'm here to see Holly. It's kind of a surprise.
Erin Hannon: I know who you are, and I think you should go.
Kevin Malone: I bet you didn't even bring us anything, did you?
AJ: Was I supposed to bring you guys something?
Holly Flax: What? AJ!
AJ: Surprise.
Holly Flax: What are you doing here? Oh, my God.
AJ: I wanted to see you. How are you?
Holly Flax: Wow! Nice.
AJ: Oh, God, you look great.
Holly Flax: Oh... when did you get here?
AJ: Just now.
Michael Scott: Hey
AJ: Just now. Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome.
AJ: Pleased to see you. Thank you.
Michael Scott: Good trip down?
AJ: Yeah, it was great.
Michael Scott: Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay.
Michael Scott: I am dead inside.
Darryl Philbin: What do you want, baby? We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies...
Jada: You have a whole room of vending machines?
Creed Bratton: (chuckles) I know. Isn't it something?
Jada: I can't decide what I want.
Darryl Philbin: (handing out vending machine items to everyone) Merry Christmas.
Jada: Merry Christmas.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Jada: And Merry Christmas.
Meredith Palmer: Thank you.
Jada: And Merry Christ... mas.
Robert California: Thank you so much.
Jada: Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas.
Oscar Martinez: Merry Christmas to you.
Jada: Merry Christmas.
Bass Player: Oh, thank you.
Kevin Malone: (Oscar unwraps a pair of Uggs) For your feet!
Ryan Howard: (holding a knitted iPad case) It's amazing. It's so great. Thank you.
Creed Bratton: (Angela hands Creed a pack of deodorant) For me?
Angela Martin: Yes.
Creed Bratton: Thank you very much.
Angela Martin: Mmhmm.
Angela Martin: I don't know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards, but Robert was instrumental in that legislation.
Kevin Malone: Wow, that's awesome!
Oscar Martinez: A real David and Goliath story.
Robert California: I'm just so touched that she's so interested in my work.
Angela Martin: I am.
Meredith Palmer: The real problem is the teachers' union.
Angela Martin: Zip it, Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still can't read.
Ryan Howard: Hey, who's in charge of making drinks around here? Is there a bartender?
Angela Martin: You are. You make your own drink. (Ryan groans)
Oscar Martinez: I'll make it. What are you drinking.
Ryan Howard: An 'F' train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters.
Oscar Martinez: I don't know how to make that.
Ryan Howard: Okay, well, I'll just stick with my mojito.
Angela Martin: And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he's helping eradicate them as well. I mean, I think they've really become a pest.
Meredith Palmer: Annoying.
Angela Martin: Yes.
Pam Beesly: (Jim hits a ceiling panel) I don't think he's in the ceiling, babe.
Jim Halpert: Well, uh... I don't think any of us really know. Alright. (Jim hands Pam a present)
Pam Beesly: Is it... is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? (she shakes it)
Jim Halpert: Ooh, go easy with the shaking.
Pam Beesly: (lifting up a diamond bracelet) Oh, my God.
Jim Halpert: You like it?
Pam Beesly: I love it.
Jim Halpert: Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn't make that.
Jim Halpert: Alright, my turn.
Pam Beesly: Oh, um, it's just, I didn't, I didn't have a lot of time, so that's just a place holder.
Jim Halpert: Right. Of course. (reading the comic book) "The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert." Oh, my God. This is awesome! That's my bike. That's my desk. And that is my daughter.
Jim Halpert: I mean... (speechless)
Pam Beesly: Michael, wait!
Michael Scott: Oh, hey, hey, no, don't run. You're gonna slip.
Pam Beesly: That's good advice.
Michael Scott: Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.
Pam Beesly: That's a sad story.
Michael Scott: (voice breaking) Yeah, well, at least he was married.
Pam Beesly: Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything's gonna be okay.
Michael Scott: No, it's not. It's not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.
Pam Beesly: I shouldn't tell you this, but... AJ won't commit to Holly. And she's gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose to her by the end of the year, it's over.
Michael Scott: Really?
Pam Beesly: Really. And I don't know about you, but I don't know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?
Michael Scott: No.
Pam Beesly: So just be patient.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don't want you to fall.
Jim Halpert: I surrender.
Dwight Schrute: I do not accept your surrender. There's only one way that I would ever relent.
Jim Halpert: Anything. You got it.
Dwight Schrute: You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch.
Jim Halpert: You're a psychopath.
Dwight Schrute: I'll take that as a no.
Michael Scott: I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it.
Kelly Kapoor: Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You're re-gifting this to me.
Michael Scott: No, that's not... no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt.
Michael Scott: (hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet) From the mall. That...
Kelly Kapoor: This is a fast food receipt from April.
Michael Scott: Well, that...
Kelly Kapoor: God, how many number nines did you order?
AJ: Is everyone here kind of mean?
Holly Flax: Oh, I think everyone's on edge because of the strangler trial.
AJ: Oh.
Holly Flax: Hey, I'm so glad you came down. It's been so much harder than I expected.
AJ: Hey, what happened to Woody?
Holly Flax: Oh, okay, get ready for this. You're not gonna believe it. I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him.
AJ: He smells awful.
Holly Flax: It was blue cheese dressing.
AJ: Great.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, Mike.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Darryl Philbin: We wanted to give you something.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Jada: Merry Christmas.
Michael Scott: Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.
Darryl Philbin: What do you say?
Jada: You're welcome.
Michael Scott: Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn't he say that?
Jada: Yeah.
Michael Scott: I think I know where he is.
Jada: A trampoline...
Michael Scott: Mmhmm.
Jada: Video games.
Michael Scott: Video games.
Jada: A DSi.
Michael Scott: A DSi?
Jada: A horse.
Michael Scott: A horse.
Jada: A pool.
Michael Scott: You, are you sure you don't want a pony? You want a real horse?
Jada: Yes.
Michael Scott: All right. You have to pick up after them.
Pam Beesly: Hey, sorry. I'm ready.
Jim Halpert: I don't want to go.
Pam Beesly: Oh... come on, bear man. Come on. (the lights flicker)
Jim Halpert: Have you ever seen 'em do that? (walk outside and the parking lot is covered with snowmen)
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry. I had no idea.
Jim Halpert: No, it's, it's okay. Okay.
Pam Beesly: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.
Jim Halpert: Okay. This is it.
Pam Beesly: What?
Jim Halpert: Go! Go! Go!
Pam Beesly: What? What is it? What? What is, oh, my God! (Jim starts attacking snowmen) Honey? Jim? Jim!
Dwight Schrute: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 11 season 7. Classy Christmas is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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