Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Classy Christmas

Vol. 7 · Issue 11Scranton, PA

Michael pulls out all the stops for a sophisticated holiday party to impress Holly, but her arrival with a boyfriend puts a damper on those "Santa Bond" vibes. You'll find every line from the episode here, from Pam’s custom comic book to the moment Dwight finally wins the snowball war through pure psychological terror. It's a great way to catch every quote about the Scranton Strangler or the legendary Bear Man.

Scene 01

28 lines
Nate Nickerson
Got it. (taking a group photo outside)
Pam Beesly
Okay let's go in. I'm freezing.
Michael Scott
People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We're gonna do a fun one.
Jim Halpert
One Charlie's Angels. One. Let's go.
Pam Beesly
Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one's putting this on their fridge.
Kevin Malone
Oh, I got it, you guys, how 'bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, 'why I oughta', and the girls are like, 'let's go shopping!'.
Andy Bernard
Let's just jump in the air!
Michael Scott
That's it! That's a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We're gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Nate Nickerson
One, two, three. (everyone jumps at different times) Not everyone jumped.
Michael Scott
Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.
Nate Nickerson
One, two, three. (everyone jumps) Still some people not jumping.
Jim Halpert
You gotta be kidding me. Who isn't jumping?
Dwight Schrute
I'll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar.
Phyllis Vance
I am jumping.
Dwight Schrute
You are?
Phyllis Vance
Yes, I'm jumping.
Dwight Schrute
Let me see you jump. (Phyllis barely jumps) Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn't one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.
Pam Beesly
I'm freezing.
Nate Nickerson
Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She's on the ground by 'three'.
Erin Hannon
I didn't want to miss it.
Andy Bernard
Well, if we all jump really high, we'll be in the air longer. Do that.
Oscar Martinez
Here's a question nobody's asking: Is this worth it?
Michael Scott
Don't answer that. People, listen up and listen good. We need to just get one picture where we're all in the air at the same time. Yes?
Oscar Martinez
Why?
Michael Scott
I believe in us. We can do this. Here we go.
Nate Nickerson
Okay, on three. Uh, everyone in the air. Three, (some people jump) two, (others jump) one, (others jump) zero. (everyone begins to yell)
Michael Scott
We didn't get it.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm the office administrator now, which means I'm basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head... I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties.

Scene 03

2 lines
Pam Beesly
It hardly looks fake. It's so lush.
Jim Halpert
Why's it smell real? (Pam shows him a hidden car-freshener) Ah... good one.

Scene 04

19 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! (dressed as Santa)
Everyone
Merry Christmas.
Michael Scott
How's everybody doing today?
Erin Hannon
Good.
Michael Scott
How's the party coming along?
Pam Beesly
Great.
Michael Scott
Are we over budget?
Pam Beesly
Nope.
Michael Scott
No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?
Meredith Palmer
Not yet!
Michael Scott
Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What's the problem?
Angela Martin
Nothing. Should be fun.
Michael Scott
So Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?
Stanley Hudson
(cheerily) Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I'm doing fine.
Michael Scott
Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy?
Andy Bernard
Yea?
Michael Scott
Whatcha got?
Andy Bernard
All good, Santa.
Michael Scott
Well, that's a relief. Santa's gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good!

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that's what I want. That's what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.

Scene 06

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
It's present time, you guys. (all react) Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre.
Gabe Lewis
We just want to say how grateful we are.

Scene 07

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, "Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do."

Scene 08

12 lines
Kelly Kapoor
It's a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve.
Andy Bernard
Hello Kitty's for girls.
Pam Beesly
Nashua got mp3 players.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, I don't even have a laptop.
Kelly Kapoor
I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.
Meredith Palmer
Wow.
Phyllis Vance
Oh God.
Dwight Schrute
Oh come on.
Kelly Kapoor
I said, "I wonder." I didn't say, "I think."
Gabe Lewis
Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets.
Kelly Kapoor
Blankets, what am I, five?
Gabe Lewis
Erin and I make great use of ours.

Scene 09

1 line
Gabe Lewis
Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we're still dating?

Scene 10

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I'll take one of those pink pouches.

Scene 11

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I feel good today. My little girl Jada? It's my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago I had her, and we had the best time. I tivoed her favorite shows, some things I've never heard of. iCarly... You know who's funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He's got a nice way of talking.

Scene 12

16 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, it's snowing.
Dwight Schrute
(mocking) Oh, my God! It's the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams, hmm? It's not even a real snow. Look, it's a dusting. Pitiful.
Jim Halpert
(Jim goes outside, makes a snowball, and brings it back inside) Hey, Dwight. (Jim throws the snowball at Dwight and everyone laughs)
Dwight Schrute
Damn it, Jim, you cannot throw snowballs in here!
Jim Halpert
Well, it's not a snowball, 'cause it's only a dusting. Right?
Dwight Schrute
Look at that. There's a pebble in there. You coulda killed me.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, don't be such a baby.
Stanley Hudson
Yeah, who's a little girl now? (everyone laughs)
Dwight Schrute
You apologize to me right now.
Jim Halpert
You've got something on your nose.
Dwight Schrute
You apologize right now.
Jim Halpert
No.
Dwight Schrute
Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter.
Jim Halpert
You got it.
Andy Bernard
That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?
Dwight Schrute
No, Andy, it's a snowball fight. It's not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it. (Jim continues to shake Dwight's hand) Jim, let go. Let go.

Scene 13

10 lines
Kevin Malone
Angela, are you bringing you new boyfriend to the party.
Angela Martin
I wouldn't subject Robert to that. He's a very busy senator.
Oscar Martinez
State senator.
Angela Martin
I would not expect you to know what it's like to date someone in the public arena.
Oscar Martinez
Who are you dating in the public arena?
Angela Martin
The senator.
Kevin Malone
Oh, right. The state senator.
Angela Martin
We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptroller's wife.
Kevin Malone
Oh, that would be impressive... if anyone knew what a comptroller was.
Oscar Martinez
Well...

Scene 14

1 line
Angela Martin
Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. "Angela..." (imitates camera shooting) "over here, Angela..." (imitates camera shooting) "here. Look here!"

Scene 15

59 lines
Pam Beesly
Before we kick off the party, I just want to remind everyone that an office party is just that...
Michael Scott
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
A party. It's not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind.
Michael Scott
Pam? Pam?
Dwight Schrute
Pam?
Pam Beesly
Wow, there are, there are questions to that. Okay. Um, you know what, no questions. Last item on the agenda, Toby would like to make an announcement.
Toby Flenderson
Hi guys.
Michael Scott
Hi.
Toby Flenderson
Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I'll be taking a leave of absence starting next week.
Michael Scott
Uh, because you've been on the Lam? Because the 'boring police' have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?
Toby Flenderson
Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case.
Michael Scott
Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!
Dwight Schrute
Death to Toby!
Toby Flenderson
Okay, that's hurtful talk. We've talked about that. You know, I don't interrupt your announcements.
Michael Scott
You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do?
Phyllis Vance
What's the case, Toby?
Toby Flenderson
Well, I really can't talk about it, but it's a very high profile case.
Andy Bernard
Is it criminal?
Toby Flenderson
Yes.
Andy Bernard
Have we heard of it?
Toby Flenderson
I don't know.
Dwight Schrute
Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?
Toby Flenderson
Come on.
Meredith Palmer
Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?
Toby Flenderson
Guys, it's a really big deal. (rubs his neck)
Ryan Howard
He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck!
Kelly Kapoor
He's rubbing his neck.
Ryan Howard
He's rubbing his neck.
Andy Bernard
Oh, Scranton Strangler! (all react)
Toby Flenderson
I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say I'll be up to my neck in jury duty. (excited outbursts)
Michael Scott
That was the worst joke ever.
Toby Flenderson
Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while.
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye.
Toby Flenderson
Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch.
Michael Scott
What? What?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, uh, she'll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know.
Michael Scott
Hold on, Holly's coming back here?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah.
Erin Hannon
Guys, who's Holly?
Michael Scott
That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future?
Erin Hannon
Wow.
Creed Bratton
She's one sassy black lady.
Michael Scott
Holly's coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party.
Gabe Lewis
I'm not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party.
Michael Scott
You know what, we'll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Michael Scott
Cancel. We're canceling it. (Michael starts to throw away all of the food)
Angela Martin
No, don't throw those out!
Michael Scott
No, we have to cancel the party.
Angela Martin
We can save that.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, we're gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new.
Andy Bernard
I bought these.
Michael Scott
I know.
Andy Bernard
These cookies are fine.
Michael Scott
It's not. They're not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.
Pam Beesly
Michael, Michael, wait we don't have, we don't have the budget for another party.
Michael Scott
Well then everybody'll chip in, it'll be fine.
Pam Beesly
I honestly think you're idealizing people here again, Michael. I don't think that's gonna happen.
Michael Scott
You know what, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for the party. It doesn't matter. This is way too important. People, Holly's coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person's breath away.

Scene 17

13 lines
Michael Scott
We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they've never been cool. (imitating Sean Connery) The name is Bond... Santa Bond. I'll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa... wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can't get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He's not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus... God! Ow! (camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael's pants)
Angela Martin
Just stop moving your calves so much while you're talking.
Michael Scott
Well, this year's gonna be different. We're gonna have fun. It's not gonna be tacky. It's going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It's not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It's gonna be cool, sleek Santa.
Angela Martin
Maybe I'll bring my boyfriend. I'll invite him.
Michael Scott
Okay. Sure.
Angela Martin
I mean, unless there's any chance there could be press at this party.
Michael Scott
You never know about the press.
Angela Martin
Well, I only ask because he's a senator.
Michael Scott
Could he help us with some parking tickets?
Angela Martin
I don't think that's appropriate.
Michael Scott
Well, then he's not a senator.
Angela Martin
Yes, he is.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 18

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
We still doing the gifts today? (Pam nods) I mean, it is the Christmas party. Well, the classy Christmas party.
Pam Beesly
Yes. But don't get too excited, 'cause I didn't have a lot of time this year.
Jim Halpert
Me neither. Whew.
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 19

1 line
Pam Beesly
I've been working forever on Jim's present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He'll take a memory or a private joke, and he'll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes 'bear man'. Wreaks havoc on the office. It's really good.

Scene 20

1 line
Jim Halpert
(A note is on Jim's computer that says, "It is time. Parking lot at noon." Jim nods and hands it to Dwight who burns it.)

Scene 21

5 lines
Michael Scott
Okay... (sighs) Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no!
Pam Beesly
No, it has the little...
Michael Scott
Pam, no, no. Holly's coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it's a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you.
Bass Player
Hi, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Yes, that's me. Come on it.

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
(scats awkwardly) There's nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what's better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?

Scene 23

15 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, uh, any volunteers to come with me to go buy a Christmas tree?
Kevin Malone
I would, but I don't want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party.
Pam Beesly
Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It's just us.
Andy Bernard
I will help. Although my 'brid', my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won't fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup.
Pam Beesly
Oh, do you mean Darryl? That's a great idea. I'll ask him.
Andy Bernard
You know Darryl?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. He works here. We all know him.
Andy Bernard
I should come along, just 'cause he's my, you know, he's my hookup.
Pam Beesly
Cool.
Darryl Philbin
Come on, now, Justine, look... Listen, look, I've been planning this, okay? You cannot do this, Justine.
Justine
(on the phone) I'm not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here.
Darryl Philbin
She did?
Justine
Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas.

Scene 24

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I don't know... I thought I was enough family for my daughter.

Scene 25

8 lines
Darryl Philbin
(Pam knocks on Darryl's door) Don't come in, I'm busy. (Pam opens the door)
Andy Bernard
It's cool, Darryl, I'm here too.
Pam Beesly
Hey, sorry, I really didn't want to come in. It's just that we have to go buy a new Christmas tree, and we're hoping we could borrow your truck.
Darryl Philbin
Uh, no.
Andy Bernard
Come on, it'll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back.
Darryl Philbin
No. Thank you for your interest in my truck.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Sorry. We'll uh, we'll leave you alone.
Darryl Philbin
Hey... (sighs) You know what, I could use a breath of fresh air. Let's do it.

Scene 26

8 lines
Michael Scott
When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her.
Erin Hannon
I've looked her up online... there's nothing about her. She's made no impression on the internet.
Michael Scott
She doesn't need an internet presence, you just know.
Erin Hannon
Oh...
Toby Flenderson
Hey.
Michael Scott
What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the courthouse.
Toby Flenderson
Uh, we're on recess. I came for the party. Hey, everyone.
Kevin Malone
Hi, Toby.

Scene 27

5 lines
Meredith Palmer
What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Meredith Palmer
That scowl.
Toby Flenderson
I can't talk about it or I'll get removed from the jury.
Michael Scott
And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions.

Scene 28

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But, they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we're just talking.

Scene 29

7 lines
Jim Halpert
(standing outside, dials Dwight's cell phone)
Dwight Schrute
(voicemail recording) You've reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave... (Jim hangs up and turns for the door. It is pad locked. Jim turns as Dwight springs from a nearby snowman and pelts him with snowballs.)
Dwight Schrute
Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Jim Halpert
Stop! Stop!
Dwight Schrute
Ahh!
Jim Halpert
Oh... oh!
Dwight Schrute
(grunting, shouting)

Scene 30

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.

Scene 31

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim, then rests his foot on Jim and raises his arms in the air) Haahh!! (runs off)

Scene 32

1 line
Jim Halpert
Um, I was laying on the ground, defenseless, and uh, he just kept throwing 'em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, (cell phone chimes) then... (reading text message) "How 'bout icing it? lol. Dwight."

Scene 33

34 lines
Holly Flax
Hi.
Erin Hannon
Hello.
Holly Flax
Is there any way I can get a hand with these, please?
Erin Hannon
I'm really sorry, I can't help you. I'm waiting for my boss' pretty friend to arrive.
Michael Scott
There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God's sake?
Erin Hannon
Oh, you're Holly! Of course. Sorry.
Michael Scott
Hello.
Holly Flax
(weak Clint Eastwood accent) Well, well, well, if it isn't Michael Scott. You old bastard.
Michael Scott
(imitating her accent) Well, I never thought I'd see your face around these parts, you old bastard.
Holly Flax
Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard.
Michael Scott
(as Curly) Why, you're some sorta wise guy, huh?
Holly Flax
(as Curly) I most certainly am.
Michael Scott
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Holly Flax
Unnnnnnngh!
Michael Scott
(as Homer) D'oh!
Holly Flax
(as Marge) Oh, Homey. (they both laugh)
Jim Halpert
Okay... Holly's back.
Michael Scott
Hi. Hi. Oh... (they hug)
Holly Flax
(in monster voice) Oh, huggy monster!
Michael Scott
Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! (both sigh) Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly.
Holly Flax
Hi.
Kevin Malone
Did you bring us anything from Nashua?
Holly Flax
Oh, yeah. I brought um, some maple candy. But I have to admit, I got a little hungry on the drive, and I ate some of them.
Michael Scott
That's adorable.
Holly Flax
Would you put those out?
Erin Hannon
To throw out? Or put out, like, six pieces for everyone?
Holly Flax
Oh, it's so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It's like a party for limousine drivers.
Michael Scott
Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party.
Holly Flax
Oh, it's fabulous. I love what you did.
Michael Scott
Isn't it wonderful? We love it here. Don't you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. (in a stereotyped Mexican accent) I show you to your desk.
Holly Flax
(in the same accent) Watch out for my guns they're both loaded. (makes gun noises)
Michael Scott
What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?
Jim Halpert
Aww...
Holly Flax
It's a pea shoot...

Scene 34

29 lines
Michael Scott
This is weird. I can't believe you're here. This feels like you never left. Doesn't it?
Holly Flax
Yeah, kind of.
Michael Scott
Oh...
Holly Flax
Oh...
Michael Scott
Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! (the both chuckle) Oh, I love toy...
Holly Flax
AJ gave me that.
Michael Scott
Well, that's understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character?
Holly Flax
Mmhmm.
Michael Scott
You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy's mom.
Holly Flax
Why?
Michael Scott
Because without Andy's mom, there's no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie.
Holly Flax
That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn't seen any of the Toy Story movies.
Michael Scott
You're kidding me. Ahh!
Holly Flax
No. I know. I was like, "What? Are you serious?"
Michael Scott
What a douche bag!
Holly Flax
Get a life!
Michael Scott
Get a... yeah! Good riddance.
Holly Flax
We sat down and we watched them all in one day.
Michael Scott
Mmhmm.
Holly Flax
Now he's the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever.
Michael Scott
Good for him.
Holly Flax
Next day I found him in my bed.
Michael Scott
Really? That's creepy. How did AJ get in your house?
Holly Flax
We live together.
Michael Scott
Oh, you do?
Holly Flax
He had a little note pinned to him that said, "You've got a friend in me."
Michael Scott
(fighting back tears) Yeah, Randy Newman's the best.
Holly Flax
Yeah. I love him.
Michael Scott
Me too.

Scene 35

15 lines
Andy Bernard
(singing) Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won't you be my Christmas tree.
Pam Beesly
Hey, how about this one?
Andy Bernard
Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is?
Pam Beesly
Maybe. I mean...
Darryl Philbin
(on the phone) I just, no, she be talking to your mom or something. This is my daughter too, Justine! You seem to think, (Justine hangs up) oh... pick a damn tree already.
Pam Beesly
Um, hey, Darryl, listen, it's none of my business, but if I couldn't have Cece for Christmas, I'd be really upset too.
Andy Bernard
I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.
Darryl Philbin
Jada don't want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasn't as much fun. And how could she say that? You know, I took her to the toy store to buy her own presents.
Pam Beesly
Well Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents.
Darryl Philbin
Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess that's something to do.
Pam Beesly
No, you should have her mom do the boring Christmas stuff on her time. You should be associated with the fun parts of Christmas.
Darryl Philbin
How do I do that?
Pam Beesly
Bring her to the party. Yeah, we'll have Santa, and we'll play games with her. It'll be a lot of fun.
Andy Bernard
Yes.
Pam Beesly
You'll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night.

Scene 36

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey guys, the tree's here.
Michael Scott
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Nobody hug me, I'm covered in tree sap, so...
Oscar Martinez
Why would someone hug you?
Michael Scott
Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I'm Santa Claus. Welcome.
Darryl Philbin
Are you serious?
Michael Scott
It's a sophisticated take.
Jada
He doesn't look like Santa Claus.
Darryl Philbin
No, he doesn't. (to Michael) I told her Santa would be here.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled.
Pam Beesly
Who told you that?
Michael Scott
Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made.

Scene 37

9 lines
Phyllis Vance
So is it an open relationship?
Holly Flax
Oh, God, no.
Kelly Kapoor
Well, you're almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids?
Holly Flax
Oh, I want kids. I really want kids. But AJ and I are practically engaged. We talk about spending our lives together.
Kelly Kapoor
So where's the ring?
Pam Beesly
Kelly! Um, how are you adjusting to the move?
Phyllis Vance
Nobody cares about that. Look, you have to make him commit, or kick his butt to the curb.
Pam Beesly
You guys, I don't think any of us are really qualified to be giving Holly personal advice about her love life.
Erin Hannon
Yeah, I mean, maybe Holly's not in any position to be shooing guys away.

Scene 38

1 line
Erin Hannon
I don't get it! I'm sorry. I just, I don't get it!

Scene 39

5 lines
Holly Flax
Okay, listen, I'm gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose by the end of this year, we're over.
Pam Beesly
Wow, an ultimatum.
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
It doesn't really seem like you.
Kelly Kapoor
That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.

Scene 40

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
(turns in Pam's chair with a Pam wig on and laughs maniacally)
Jim Halpert
Don't. Stop, Dwight! (Dwight pelts Jim with snowballs) Dwight, stop! Dwight, stop!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no. Oh, no!
Jim Halpert
Stop!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no. Yes, taste my wrath!
Jim Halpert
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Huh? You like that?
Jim Halpert
Seriously!
Dwight Schrute
Huh?
Jim Halpert
Okay. Okay. (Dwight throws another snowball and laughs maniacally)

Scene 41

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.

Scene 42

1 line
Jim Halpert
I just want it to stop.

Scene 43

10 lines
Pam Beesly
So, cool right?
Ryan Howard
There's no connection between the origin story and the quest.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Ryan Howard
We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise, it's the bear's quest.
Pam Beesly
Okay, well, I just sorta meant, like, cute, right?
Ryan Howard
Well, did you come here for help, or did you come here for me to tell you how great it is?
Pam Beesly
I mean, help, if it's something simple, like add page numbers or laminate it or...
Ryan Howard
Well, it sounds like you know what you want. (Pam walks away) It's also a little derivative of a serias called 'Bear Man'. Did you look that up?
Pam Beesly
No.
Ryan Howard
Okay.

Scene 44

10 lines
Toby Flenderson
Oh, Jim. Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Toby.
Toby Flenderson
There's this female uh, uh, stenographer at the courthouse...
Jim Halpert
No way.
Toby Flenderson
Who looks exactly like you.
Jim Halpert
That's increadible.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah. No, it's uncanny.
Jim Halpert
You know what's crazy?
Toby Flenderson
What?
Jim Halpert
I can't reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second. (he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick, misses, and shatters a window, everyone gasps) Excuse me. (clears throat)

Scene 45

1 line
Michael Scott
I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don't. And that's just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. (clip of Michael throwing Holly's Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it)

Scene 46

3 lines
Angela Martin
It's so cold. Even with my coat on.
Meredith Palmer
Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car... for screwing Americans.
Gabe Lewis
Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy.

Scene 47

13 lines
Holly Flax
You guys, this has to stop. Someone could have really gotten hurt.
Michael Scott
What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic.
Dwight Schrute
I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress.
Jim Halpert
What are you talking about? You're the one terrorizing me.
Dwight Schrute
With snowballs, Jim? With fluffy little snowballs? No. I thought we were just playing.
Holly Flax
Dwight's right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. I'm really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here, you were both best friends.
Michael Scott
All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? (he holds up a toy taxi cab) Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, what girlfriend?
Michael Scott
I haven't told you about her.
Dwight Schrute
I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.
Michael Scott
I'm a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that's pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, "Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab."
Holly Flax
I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
Michael Scott
I do. She is.

Scene 48

1 line
Michael Scott
Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain't Tara.

Scene 49

7 lines
Phyllis Vance
So you went homemade this year.
Pam Beesly
Yup.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah. Money problems, is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don't think we can help you out.
Pam Beesly
No, no. Jim had a great year, actually. I just wanted to get your opinion.
Phyllis Vance
Are you good at homemade?
Pam Beesly
Look at this.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah...

Scene 50

30 lines
Holly Flax
(walks in with a dirty Woody) Who did this? It's obvious to me I'm not welcome here, but somebody better tell me who did this, or else I'm leaving.
Phyllis Vance
Well, I don't think Erin seems to like you.
Erin Hannon
That's not true. I don't know her enough to make a decision even.
Michael Scott
What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby's very jealous of all the attention you've been getting.
Toby Flenderson
No, I would never ever do anything like that. But it does seem like something you would do.
Michael Scott
Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn't that nice? Thank you very much.
Kevin Malone
Wait, wait, guys, listen. Toy Story is all about toys that come to life when people aren't looking. You don't think... it's not possible... that Woody did this to himself.
Michael Scott
It is Christmas.
Angela Martin
No, it really seems like something Michael would do.
Michael Scott
Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed.
Andy Bernard
Why would anyone frame you for that?
Jim Halpert
Okay, I'm sorry, why are we discounting this whole "Woody came to life" thing so quickly?
Michael Scott
Ahhhhhh! (laughs) Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh?
Holly Flax
You think this is funny?
Michael Scott
(laughs) I don't. But someday I think we will laugh about this... when we tell our kids...
Jim Halpert
Yikes. (everyone gasps)
Kevin Malone
Oh no, that's, that's not happening.
Dwight Schrute
Dear God in heaven.
Michael Scott
All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings.
Holly Flax
Michael, you have to let this go. I'm with someone else. I don't feel that way anymore.
Michael Scott
Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That's what Jim and Dwight thought.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, hey, hey, hey...
Jim Halpert
No, fake girlfriends are always wrong.
Holly Flax
You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I'd get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?
Michael Scott
When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, "Michael, I love you, but I can't do this." But then, with this other guy, you don't have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me.
Holly Flax
Michael, I'm sorry.
Michael Scott
And we did this whole stupid party for you.
Erin Hannon
(blocks Holly's path) No.
Holly Flax
You guys, it wasn't my fault.
Kevin Malone
Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!

Scene 51

3 lines
Erin Hannon
I really think you're better off.
Michael Scott
Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please?
Erin Hannon
Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something?

Scene 52

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it, reading the note) "Hey, Pickles, Merry Christmas. Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese." (opens the present and a snowball shoots out at him, everyone laughs) Damn it, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Didn't think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all.

Scene 53

3 lines
Stanley Hudson
So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?
Toby Flenderson
No, they bring it in.
Stanley Hudson
You lucky son of a bitch.

Scene 54

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for... that is the life.

Scene 55

2 lines
Jada
Daddy, I'm bored. Can I read my book in your office?
Darryl Philbin
Sure, sweetie.

Scene 56

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jada, Darryl, I'm so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him?

Scene 57

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, my goodness.
Andy Bernard
I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.
Darryl Philbin
Ohh, that sounds fun and Christmasy, you mean old grinch!
Jada
What kind of challenges.
Andy Bernard
Wahhh...
Pam Beesly
Something like an obstacle course, Mr. Grinch?
Andy Bernard
No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?
Jada
I don't know.
Andy Bernard
Do you know the other state?
Darryl Philbin
Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star, and we could ask for clues, and he'll tell us if we're hot or cold.
Andy Bernard
The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she's burning up because the star is right behind her ear! (pulls star from coat and pretends to find it behind Jada's ear)
Darryl Philbin
And the game's over seconds later.

Scene 58

6 lines
Angela Martin
I'm so glad you could come.
Robert California
It's nice. I know.
Angela Martin
Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend, Senator Robert Lipton.
Robert California
Hi.
Oscar Martinez
Senator, it's an honor. I'm Angela's friend Oscar.
Robert California
Oscar. A pleasure.

Scene 59

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.

Scene 60

21 lines
AJ
Hi.
Erin Hannon
Hello.
AJ
I'm, uh, I'm AJ. I'm here to see Holly. It's kind of a surprise.
Erin Hannon
I know who you are, and I think you should go.
Kevin Malone
I bet you didn't even bring us anything, did you?
AJ
Was I supposed to bring you guys something?
Holly Flax
What? AJ!
AJ
Surprise.
Holly Flax
What are you doing here? Oh, my God.
AJ
I wanted to see you. How are you?
Holly Flax
Wow! Nice.
AJ
Oh, God, you look great.
Holly Flax
Oh... when did you get here?
AJ
Just now.
Michael Scott
Hey
AJ
Just now. Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott
Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome.
AJ
Pleased to see you. Thank you.
Michael Scott
Good trip down?
AJ
Yeah, it was great.
Michael Scott
Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay.

Scene 61

1 line
Michael Scott
I am dead inside.

Scene 62

4 lines
Darryl Philbin
What do you want, baby? We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies...
Jada
You have a whole room of vending machines?
Creed Bratton
(chuckles) I know. Isn't it something?
Jada
I can't decide what I want.

Scene 63

6 lines
Darryl Philbin
(handing out vending machine items to everyone) Merry Christmas.
Jada
Merry Christmas.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Jada
And Merry Christmas.
Meredith Palmer
Thank you.
Jada
And Merry Christ... mas.

Scene 64

3 lines
Robert California
Thank you so much.
Jada
Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas.
Oscar Martinez
Merry Christmas to you.

Scene 65

2 lines
Jada
Merry Christmas.
Bass Player
Oh, thank you.

Scene 66

1 line
Kevin Malone
(Oscar unwraps a pair of Uggs) For your feet!

Scene 67

1 line
Ryan Howard
(holding a knitted iPad case) It's amazing. It's so great. Thank you.

Scene 68

4 lines
Creed Bratton
(Angela hands Creed a pack of deodorant) For me?
Angela Martin
Yes.
Creed Bratton
Thank you very much.
Angela Martin
Mmhmm.

Scene 69

17 lines
Angela Martin
I don't know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards, but Robert was instrumental in that legislation.
Kevin Malone
Wow, that's awesome!
Oscar Martinez
A real David and Goliath story.
Robert California
I'm just so touched that she's so interested in my work.
Angela Martin
I am.
Meredith Palmer
The real problem is the teachers' union.
Angela Martin
Zip it, Meredith.
Meredith Palmer
No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still can't read.
Ryan Howard
Hey, who's in charge of making drinks around here? Is there a bartender?
Angela Martin
You are. You make your own drink. (Ryan groans)
Oscar Martinez
I'll make it. What are you drinking.
Ryan Howard
An 'F' train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters.
Oscar Martinez
I don't know how to make that.
Ryan Howard
Okay, well, I'll just stick with my mojito.
Angela Martin
And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he's helping eradicate them as well. I mean, I think they've really become a pest.
Meredith Palmer
Annoying.
Angela Martin
Yes.

Scene 70

7 lines
Pam Beesly
(Jim hits a ceiling panel) I don't think he's in the ceiling, babe.
Jim Halpert
Well, uh... I don't think any of us really know. Alright. (Jim hands Pam a present)
Pam Beesly
Is it... is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? (she shakes it)
Jim Halpert
Ooh, go easy with the shaking.
Pam Beesly
(lifting up a diamond bracelet) Oh, my God.
Jim Halpert
You like it?
Pam Beesly
I love it.

Scene 71

1 line
Jim Halpert
Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn't make that.

Scene 72

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Alright, my turn.
Pam Beesly
Oh, um, it's just, I didn't, I didn't have a lot of time, so that's just a place holder.
Jim Halpert
Right. Of course. (reading the comic book) "The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert." Oh, my God. This is awesome! That's my bike. That's my desk. And that is my daughter.

Scene 73

1 line
Jim Halpert
I mean... (speechless)

Scene 74

14 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael, wait!
Michael Scott
Oh, hey, hey, no, don't run. You're gonna slip.
Pam Beesly
That's good advice.
Michael Scott
Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.
Pam Beesly
That's a sad story.
Michael Scott
(voice breaking) Yeah, well, at least he was married.
Pam Beesly
Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything's gonna be okay.
Michael Scott
No, it's not. It's not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.
Pam Beesly
I shouldn't tell you this, but... AJ won't commit to Holly. And she's gonna tell him that if he doesn't propose to her by the end of the year, it's over.
Michael Scott
Really?
Pam Beesly
Really. And I don't know about you, but I don't know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?
Michael Scott
No.
Pam Beesly
So just be patient.
Michael Scott
Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don't want you to fall.

Scene 75

6 lines
Jim Halpert
I surrender.
Dwight Schrute
I do not accept your surrender. There's only one way that I would ever relent.
Jim Halpert
Anything. You got it.
Dwight Schrute
You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch.
Jim Halpert
You're a psychopath.
Dwight Schrute
I'll take that as a no.

Scene 76

17 lines
Michael Scott
I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it.
Kelly Kapoor
Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You're re-gifting this to me.
Michael Scott
No, that's not... no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt.
Michael Scott
(hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet) From the mall. That...
Kelly Kapoor
This is a fast food receipt from April.
Michael Scott
Well, that...
Kelly Kapoor
God, how many number nines did you order?
AJ
Is everyone here kind of mean?
Holly Flax
Oh, I think everyone's on edge because of the strangler trial.
AJ
Oh.
Holly Flax
Hey, I'm so glad you came down. It's been so much harder than I expected.
AJ
Hey, what happened to Woody?
Holly Flax
Oh, okay, get ready for this. You're not gonna believe it. I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him.
AJ
He smells awful.
Holly Flax
It was blue cheese dressing.
AJ
Great.

Scene 77

11 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey, Mike.
Michael Scott
Hey.
Darryl Philbin
We wanted to give you something.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Jada
Merry Christmas.
Michael Scott
Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.
Darryl Philbin
What do you say?
Jada
You're welcome.
Michael Scott
Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn't he say that?
Jada
Yeah.
Michael Scott
I think I know where he is.

Scene 78

12 lines
Jada
A trampoline...
Michael Scott
Mmhmm.
Jada
Video games.
Michael Scott
Video games.
Jada
A DSi.
Michael Scott
A DSi?
Jada
A horse.
Michael Scott
A horse.
Jada
A pool.
Michael Scott
You, are you sure you don't want a pony? You want a real horse?
Jada
Yes.
Michael Scott
All right. You have to pick up after them.

Scene 79

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, sorry. I'm ready.
Jim Halpert
I don't want to go.
Pam Beesly
Oh... come on, bear man. Come on. (the lights flicker)
Jim Halpert
Have you ever seen 'em do that? (walk outside and the parking lot is covered with snowmen)
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry. I had no idea.
Jim Halpert
No, it's, it's okay. Okay.
Pam Beesly
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.
Jim Halpert
Okay. This is it.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
Go! Go! Go!
Pam Beesly
What? What is it? What? What is, oh, my God! (Jim starts attacking snowmen) Honey? Jim? Jim!

Scene 80

1 line
Dwight Schrute
In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.