Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Ultimatum

Vol. 7 · Issue 12Scranton, PA

Michael is on the edge of his seat waiting for news on Holly's relationship status. You’ll find every line from the episode here, from the awkward New Year’s resolution board to the trauma of Kevin eating a vegetable. It's the perfect place to grab the script and find your favorite quotes.

Scene 01

4 lines
Man
Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.
Dwight Schrute
Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Dwight Schrute
This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.

Scene 03

18 lines
Jim Halpert
I'm actually just looking for my Blackberry, so, carry on.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs, ha, ha, ha... screw you!
Man
Dwight, don't be bothered by your friend's presence.
Dwight Schrute
What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leader's weird voice? Huh? (mimicking the leader's voice) Dwight, don't be bothered by the (mumbles). Over the line, Jim.
Jim Halpert
I'm just looking for my phone, so... pretend I'm not here.
Dwight Schrute
Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. That's our official name, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Sounds good.
Dwight Schrute
Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.
Jim Halpert
Smart.
Dwight Schrute
And the rest was just (mumbles)stuff.
Man
Go ahead and read it, some people weren't here.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.
Jim Halpert
Oh, come on, that sounds awesome.
Member
It was pretty cool.
Jim Halpert
Was it?
Member
It was fun.
Dwight Schrute
It was pretty awesome.
Jim Halpert
(answers phone) Hey! Yeah. No, I got it. Just leaving now.

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let's switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.

Scene 06

3 lines
Michael Scott
(filming video) Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Erin Hannon
(giggles) Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry.
Michael Scott
Okay, so killing yourself. (laughs) I was just thinking about snot.

Scene 07

6 lines
Angela Martin
Good morning.
Pam Beesly
Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display them on... da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board.
Dwight Schrute
Wow. Did your baby draw that?
Angela Martin
The glitter is blinding.
Phyllis Vance
I think it's good.
Pam Beesly
It's gonna be fun.

Scene 08

1 line
Pam Beesly
I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she's awesome.

Scene 09

1 line
Phyllis Vance
I know Sue. She's not that great. And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?

Scene 10

14 lines
Erin Hannon
Okay, champagne.
Michael Scott
Happy.
Erin Hannon
Sponge.
Michael Scott
Sad. To soak up my tears.
Erin Hannon
Gummi bears and gummi worms.
Michael Scott
Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.
Erin Hannon
Ukulele's happy?
Michael Scott
Sad, something to break.
Erin Hannon
Chocolates.
Michael Scott
For you, job well done.
Erin Hannon
Thank you! And two bottles of scotch.
Michael Scott
Both sad.
Erin Hannon
And did you get the tickets?
Michael Scott
I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite. I hope she doesn't call us up on stage. That would suck. "Hey, you think you can do my job better?" I don't know. "What's your name?" Michael.

Scene 11

1 line
Erin Hannon
I'm really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life!

Scene 12

16 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey, guys! I'd like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine. His name is New Year's resolution board.
Michael Scott
Shaaa-shut up. Hello.
Kelly Kapoor
What happened? Is there a ring?
Michael Scott
So... high five me. We're back. To a happy... (grabs Holly's hand) look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?
Kelly Kapoor
(whispering) Come on!
Holly Flax
They're warm.
Michael Scott
They're so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put 'er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! That's a good firm handshake. You're hired! Yes, let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Yes, yes, right away.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat up to 90, smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.
Michael Scott
Yes, no, why? Stop! Yes.
Kevin Malone
(Holly takes off mittens revealing no ring on her ring finger) Congratu-ohhh.
Kelly Kapoor
Wow.
Michael Scott
Oh my God! That's it! That's it!
Holly Flax
Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum.
Kelly Kapoor
Yes, I told everyone.
Holly Flax
(sticking both ring fingers up) Ha ha, ha ha!
Kevin Malone
Hey! (sticking up middle finger) Right back atcha, bitch!

Scene 13

18 lines
Michael Scott
Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy!
Michael Scott
(in video) Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe.
Michael Scott
I'm trying!
Michael Scott
(in video) I said breathe!
Michael Scott
I'm trying!
Michael Scott
(in video) Wait a second, are you listening to music?
Michael Scott
What?
Michael Scott
(in video) Shut that off!
Michael Scott
I'm not listening to music!
Michael Scott
(in video) Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin' good! You're lookin' good. (roping Michael in) Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! Michael dance off!
Michael Scott
Go! Oh, that's nice.
Michael Scott
(in video) Go!
Michael Scott
Me? Okay.
Erin Hannon
Go!
Michael Scott
(in video) Nice! We're gonna calm down later.
Michael Scott
I'm good.
Erin Hannon
Oh, yeah!
Michael Scott
Oh my God! (sprays champagne on Erin)

Scene 14

27 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Dwight, I'm collecting resolution cards.
Dwight Schrute
Not doing that.
Pam Beesly
Why not?
Dwight Schrute
I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best.
Andy Bernard
Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.
Pam Beesly
Learn to cook for one!
Andy Bernard
Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.
Pam Beesly
Well, maybe you'll meet someone.
Andy Bernard
No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.
Pam Beesly
Angela.
Angela Martin
Yes.
Pam Beesly
Make time for romance!
Oscar Martinez
Who's the senator?
Angela Martin
My boyfriend.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused, because you accidentally wrote 'the senator'.
Angela Martin
Ugh.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, it's that easy? That's not a resolution, that's just... something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that... (sticks note card on board, makes trumpet sound) My resolution is... meet a loose woman.
Angela Martin
Oh, God.
Andy Bernard
That's a good one.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.
Dwight Schrute
Awesome.
Darryl Philbin
You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa...'
Andy Bernard
The bookstore?
Dwight Schrute
It's that easy?
Darryl Philbin
I'll come with you, show you how it's done.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I'll drive.

Scene 15

1 line
Darryl Philbin
My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.

Scene 16

15 lines
Michael Scott
Hello! Oh, somebody's got a new phone!
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
That is neat.
Holly Flax
I got it for Christmas. I'm so out of my league here.
Michael Scott
(imitating E.T.) E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?
Holly Flax
(imitating E.T.) Holly misses old phone.
Michael Scott
(imitating E.T.) Why?
Holly Flax
(imitating E.T.) New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception.
Michael Scott
(imitating E.T.) Bummer.
Holly Flax
(imitating E.T.) Bummer.
Michael Scott
(imitating E.T.) Reese's Pieces.
Holly Flax
(imitating E.T.) Reese's Pieces?
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, God, please stop!
Michael Scott
I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible. (slams phone on desk, phone breaks)
Holly Flax
(reaches for her cell phone) Oh, I should get this. Hey! Oh, no, don't go see that one, I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too. All right.

Scene 17

14 lines
Michael Scott
Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is. I can't figure it out. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?
Pam Beesly
I don't think so.
Michael Scott
When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him?
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
But you did still love him.
Pam Beesly
I'm not... I'm not going to have...
Michael Scott
Do you love him now?
Pam Beesly
No! Just talk to her.
Michael Scott
No. She'd just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. (disgusted voice) Oh, hi friend! Blegh.
Phyllis Vance
I'll talk to her, Michael.
Michael Scott
You think she'd talk to you?
Phyllis Vance
Why wouldn't she?
Michael Scott
That's true. She's really nice. She'd talk to anybody. Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out?
Pam Beesly
There's a plan.

Scene 18

3 lines
Andy Bernard
All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel.
Dwight Schrute
I'll take the entirety of the second floor.
Darryl Philbin
I got that cutie behind the counter.

Scene 19

4 lines
Bookstore employee
Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.
Darryl Philbin
Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold like, ten books at once.
Bookstore employee
Actually, it's ten thousand.
Darryl Philbin
Holy (bleep), what? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant.

Scene 20

19 lines
Andy Bernard
Hi.
Customer
Hi.
Dwight Schrute
Welcome.
Andy Bernard
Let us know if you need anything.
Customer
Thanks.
Andy Bernard
Why did we pretend like we work here?
Dwight Schrute
Is that what we were doing?
Darryl Philbin
Hey, how'd you do?
Andy Bernard
Good!
Dwight Schrute
Good. Real good.
Darryl Philbin
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, yeah!
Andy Bernard
We kinda nailed it.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, pretty much. But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out, so. Let's roll.
Darryl Philbin
Cool.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. What'd you get?
Darryl Philbin
A book about oceans.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
Darryl Philbin
No, that's uh. Porn. Pornography. Old lady... nasty... porn.

Scene 21

12 lines
Phyllis Vance
(whispering) Follow my lead. Hey, want some company?
Erin Hannon
Want some company?
Holly Flax
Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, really good, I went to Portugal.
Erin Hannon
I went to Portugal.
Holly Flax
Oh, wow... you went together?
Phyllis Vance
No.
Erin Hannon
No.
Phyllis Vance
So, I've just gotta know. What's going on with you and AJ?
Holly Flax
Nothing really happened. I mean, I know I made a big deal about this whole New Year's deadline, but um, it came and went... and, we're still together.
Phyllis Vance
You didn't break up with AJ at all? I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?
Holly Flax
It just wasn't fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place. The whole thing is totally my fault. But we're going to be just fine. Just fine.

Scene 22

12 lines
Darryl Philbin
Whoa! Hold on.
Dwight Schrute
I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.
Darryl Philbin
(Dwight heads toward a strip club) Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Dwight Schrute
Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.
Darryl Philbin
I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.
Dwight Schrute
Well, we can't just go back, I mean, we came out to meet women.
Andy Bernard
Hey, there's a roller rink across the street! There's always chicks at the rink.
Darryl Philbin
What kind of chicks are you going to meet there?
Andy Bernard
I don't know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten year reunion parties.
Dwight Schrute
Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.
Andy Bernard
Roller derby practice!
Darryl Philbin
We're going skating.

Scene 23

49 lines
Pam Beesly
The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who's been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it.
Erin Hannon
Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.
Pam Beesly
Cool! Here's a little 'way to go' gift from Sabre. (tosses Erin a Frisbee)
Gabe Lewis
Intercepted!
Erin Hannon
Hey! Gabe.
Gabe Lewis
Whoops.
Pam Beesly
Creed. I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board. What's yours?
Creed Bratton
I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
Pam Beesly
How is it going?
Creed Bratton
I'm having a little trouble motivating.
Pam Beesly
One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them. In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February.
Michael Scott
Or sooner.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
That's not a joke.
Pam Beesly
But that's okay. Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've fudged on some of our resolutions?
Kevin Malone
Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet. But it's okay. I still have time, since last year, I ate none.
Pam Beesly
Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine.
Michael Scott
Is it?
Pam Beesly
Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.
Michael Scott
Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere.
Kevin Malone
Well not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott.
Michael Scott
What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!
Creed Bratton
Well, I can't, I don't know how.
Michael Scott
You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone? Loser.
Creed Bratton
My tombstone's already made, thank you.
Michael Scott
Just do a cartwheel!
Erin Hannon
This is all I could find.
Michael Scott
(holding broccoli in front of Kevin) Eat it.
Pam Beesly
You don't have to do that, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
I don't know. I'm glad this is happening. Thank you, Michael.
Kelly Kapoor
Why are you eating stem first?
Kevin Malone
This is a new food for me, how else should I eat it?
Ryan Howard
The other way.
Kevin Malone
Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise?
Michael Scott
No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott
Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.
Kevin Malone
God, I hate it.
Michael Scott
I don't care whether you hate it! You said you'd do it!
Angela Martin
All right!
Michael Scott
Eat it!
Kelly Kapoor
You're killing him, Michael!
Michael Scott
All right, all right, shh!
Kevin Malone
All right, I ate the fluffy part, can I be done?
Michael Scott
Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. (reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out) Oh, God! You guys are pathetic.
Kevin Malone
Can I get some candy, or something?
Michael Scott
No! You can't have any candy!
Oscar Martinez
I'll get him water.
Pam Beesly
Okay, Michael, just settle down.

Scene 24

6 lines
Michael Scott
(imitating E.T.) Holly Flax.
Holly Flax
Yes, Michael?
Michael Scott
(imitating E.T.) Not Michael, E.T.
Holly Flax
What's up?
Michael Scott
Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there.
Holly Flax
Oh, no, Michael, I don't want to talk about it with you. I mean, I'm fine, I just... I don't want to talk about it.

Scene 25

14 lines
Michael Scott
Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room.
Creed Bratton
You think?
Michael Scott
And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax.
Kevin Malone
You were super mean.
Michael Scott
It was insensitive and I am sorry.
Kevin Malone
It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.
Michael Scott
I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies... I... care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.
Kevin Malone
Okay, Michael, no offense, but you need to get your own life.
Michael Scott
You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends.
Creed Bratton
I don't think I'm there yet, Boss.
Kevin Malone
Well, I am. (hugs Michael)
Michael Scott
Okay, oh! All right.
Kevin Malone
I'm going to help you.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 26

4 lines
DJ
(at the skating rink)Hey, uh. It's just you. Anything you want to hear?
Andy Bernard
Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only.
DJ
Okay. (Ants Go Marching starts playing)
Andy Bernard
I said no hits!

Scene 27

12 lines
Ryan Howard
I just feel blocked. Like I'm living, but I'm not...
Kevin Malone
Hey, Ryan.
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Kevin Malone
How's your fart project coming?
Ryan Howard
That's real, real classy, Kevin. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?
Kevin Malone
Me.
Pam Beesly
Kevin, don't! Come on!
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine!
Pam Beesly
Yeah, just a little, I have a lot to deal with today.
Meredith Palmer
(holding a pack of cigarettes) Well, if you don't have to do 'em...
Kelly Kapoor
Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant!
Ryan Howard
Okay, no.

Scene 28

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
My resolution was to get more attention.

Scene 29

5 lines
Ryan Howard
No, she's lying.
Kevin Malone
Hey, Ryan. (taps board, makes farting noise)
Erin Hannon
One, two, three. (does cartwheel) I did it! I did a cartwheel!
Creed Bratton
(bleep) you! (bleep) you! God!
Pam Beesly
Okay, that's it.

Scene 30

1 line
Pam Beesly
(throws resolution board away in dumpster) Lesson learned.

Scene 31

13 lines
Darryl Philbin
Sup?
Andy Bernard
Hey! Where did you go?
Darryl Philbin
To the arcade.
Andy Bernard
Oh, cool.
Darryl Philbin
Why, did you meet someone?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him.
Darryl Philbin
Right on, son.
Dwight Schrute
Gentlemen.
Andy Bernard
And where did you go?
Dwight Schrute
Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.
Darryl Philbin
Right.
DJ
So, that's it, guys? If you want, I can put on the strobe.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!

Scene 32

6 lines
Erin Hannon
You want to keep this?
Michael Scott
No.
Erin Hannon
Do you want to keep this?
Michael Scott
Yup.
Erin Hannon
Do you want to keep this?
Michael Scott
You can toss them.

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.

Scene 34

1 line
Holly Flax
We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine... just fine... just fine... just fine...

Scene 35

1 line
Holly Flax
I just think we need to cool things down for awhile. Yeah, a break. At least until I get back to Nashua. Yeah, I'm sure.

Scene 36

13 lines
Michael Scott
Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where you're going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.
Creed Bratton
Mmmhm.
Michael Scott
You ready to do this?
Creed Bratton
Yes, sir.
Michael Scott
You know what? I'm going to stay here as long as it takes.
Creed Bratton
I really appreciate it, Boss.
Michael Scott
It's about you. It's about you. Go!
Creed Bratton
I did it!
Michael Scott
You did?
Creed Bratton
The perfect cartwheel.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Creed Bratton
What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.
Michael Scott
Congratulations. All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow.