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Season 7 Episode 12

Every line from The Office episode "Ultimatum", season 7 episode 12.

Man: Next up, secretary Schrute will read the minutes from Sunday's meeting.
Dwight Schrute: Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. No, Jim, hey!
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Dwight Schrute: This meeting is for Knights of the Night only.
Dwight Schrute: Knights of the Night are volunteer crime patrollers. We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels. One of our many recent good deeds? We set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.
Jim Halpert: I'm actually just looking for my Blackberry, so, carry on.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs, ha, ha, ha... screw you!
Man: Dwight, don't be bothered by your friend's presence.
Dwight Schrute: What are you going to do now? Are you going to make fun of our leader's weird voice? Huh? (mimicking the leader's voice) Dwight, don't be bothered by the (mumbles). Over the line, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I'm just looking for my phone, so... pretend I'm not here.
Dwight Schrute: Fine. Minutes from previous meeting of Knights of the Night. That's our official name, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Sounds good.
Dwight Schrute: Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets. Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.
Jim Halpert: Smart.
Dwight Schrute: And the rest was just (mumbles)stuff.
Man: Go ahead and read it, some people weren't here.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.
Jim Halpert: Oh, come on, that sounds awesome.
Member: It was pretty cool.
Jim Halpert: Was it?
Member: It was fun.
Dwight Schrute: It was pretty awesome.
Jim Halpert: (answers phone) Hey! Yeah. No, I got it. Just leaving now.
Michael Scott: January three, 2011. A day which will live in-famously. Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man. This is freaking me out. I- okay, let's switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no, let's push through. We'll do this.
Michael Scott: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down. And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.
Michael Scott: (filming video) Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Erin Hannon: (giggles) Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry.
Michael Scott: Okay, so killing yourself. (laughs) I was just thinking about snot.
Angela Martin: Good morning.
Pam Beesly: Hey, guys! Fun thing. The index cards on your desk are resolution cards. You write your New Year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display them on... da-da-da-da-da! This! Resolution board.
Dwight Schrute: Wow. Did your baby draw that?
Angela Martin: The glitter is blinding.
Phyllis Vance: I think it's good.
Pam Beesly: It's gonna be fun.
Pam Beesly: I recently met Sue, the office administrator at Vance Refrigeration. She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff. Sue just goes for it, she's awesome.
Phyllis Vance: I know Sue. She's not that great. And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?
Erin Hannon: Okay, champagne.
Michael Scott: Happy.
Erin Hannon: Sponge.
Michael Scott: Sad. To soak up my tears.
Erin Hannon: Gummi bears and gummi worms.
Michael Scott: Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.
Erin Hannon: Ukulele's happy?
Michael Scott: Sad, something to break.
Erin Hannon: Chocolates.
Michael Scott: For you, job well done.
Erin Hannon: Thank you! And two bottles of scotch.
Michael Scott: Both sad.
Erin Hannon: And did you get the tickets?
Michael Scott: I did! I did, indeed. Two front row center, to Paula Poundstone, Live in Poughkeepsie. Holly's favorite. I hope she doesn't call us up on stage. That would suck. "Hey, you think you can do my job better?" I don't know. "What's your name?" Michael.
Erin Hannon: I'm really excited for Michael either way. Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy. And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life!
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey, guys! I'd like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine. His name is New Year's resolution board.
Michael Scott: Shaaa-shut up. Hello.
Kelly Kapoor: What happened? Is there a ring?
Michael Scott: So... high five me. We're back. To a happy... (grabs Holly's hand) look at those! Mittens. Are those a present?
Kelly Kapoor: (whispering) Come on!
Holly Flax: They're warm.
Michael Scott: They're so fuzzy and warm! Let me feel those. Let me feel that. Put 'er there. Give me a good firm... ooh! That's a good firm handshake. You're hired! Yes, let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Yes, yes, right away.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat up to 90, smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.
Michael Scott: Yes, no, why? Stop! Yes.
Kevin Malone: (Holly takes off mittens revealing no ring on her ring finger) Congratu-ohhh.
Kelly Kapoor: Wow.
Michael Scott: Oh my God! That's it! That's it!
Holly Flax: Oh, I get it. Everybody knows about the ultimatum.
Kelly Kapoor: Yes, I told everyone.
Holly Flax: (sticking both ring fingers up) Ha ha, ha ha!
Kevin Malone: Hey! (sticking up middle finger) Right back atcha, bitch!
Michael Scott: Happy! Happy, happy, happy, happy!
Michael Scott: (in video) Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, calm down, breathe.
Michael Scott: I'm trying!
Michael Scott: (in video) I said breathe!
Michael Scott: I'm trying!
Michael Scott: (in video) Wait a second, are you listening to music?
Michael Scott: What?
Michael Scott: (in video) Shut that off!
Michael Scott: I'm not listening to music!
Michael Scott: (in video) Fine, just go crazy for a little while! Lookin' good! You're lookin' good. (roping Michael in) Oh, I gotcha! I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! Michael dance off!
Michael Scott: Go! Oh, that's nice.
Michael Scott: (in video) Go!
Michael Scott: Me? Okay.
Erin Hannon: Go!
Michael Scott: (in video) Nice! We're gonna calm down later.
Michael Scott: I'm good.
Erin Hannon: Oh, yeah!
Michael Scott: Oh my God! (sprays champagne on Erin)
Pam Beesly: Hey, Dwight, I'm collecting resolution cards.
Dwight Schrute: Not doing that.
Pam Beesly: Why not?
Dwight Schrute: I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best.
Andy Bernard: Drink less caffeine. That's a good one, Pam. Here's mine.
Pam Beesly: Learn to cook for one!
Andy Bernard: Yeah. I love cooking, but I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare, so... two years is time to just start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.
Pam Beesly: Well, maybe you'll meet someone.
Andy Bernard: No, some people don't just meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.
Pam Beesly: Angela.
Angela Martin: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Make time for romance!
Oscar Martinez: Who's the senator?
Angela Martin: My boyfriend.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, you mean the state senator. I'm sorry, I was confused, because you accidentally wrote 'the senator'.
Angela Martin: Ugh.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, it's that easy? That's not a resolution, that's just... something I want to do. Okay, fine. I can do that... (sticks note card on board, makes trumpet sound) My resolution is... meet a loose woman.
Angela Martin: Oh, God.
Andy Bernard: That's a good one.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: You know what, that's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.
Dwight Schrute: Awesome.
Darryl Philbin: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. 'Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa...'
Andy Bernard: The bookstore?
Dwight Schrute: It's that easy?
Darryl Philbin: I'll come with you, show you how it's done.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I'll drive.
Darryl Philbin: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.
Michael Scott: Hello! Oh, somebody's got a new phone!
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Michael Scott: That is neat.
Holly Flax: I got it for Christmas. I'm so out of my league here.
Michael Scott: (imitating E.T.) E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone?
Holly Flax: (imitating E.T.) Holly misses old phone.
Michael Scott: (imitating E.T.) Why?
Holly Flax: (imitating E.T.) New phone is confusing. Gets bad reception.
Michael Scott: (imitating E.T.) Bummer.
Holly Flax: (imitating E.T.) Bummer.
Michael Scott: (imitating E.T.) Reese's Pieces.
Holly Flax: (imitating E.T.) Reese's Pieces?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, God, please stop!
Michael Scott: I still have my old phone. This thing... indestructible. (slams phone on desk, phone breaks)
Holly Flax: (reaches for her cell phone) Oh, I should get this. Hey! Oh, no, don't go see that one, I want to see that together. Yeah, go see that action one. Okay. I love you, too. All right.
Michael Scott: Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is. I can't figure it out. Do you think she's already dating a different AJ?
Pam Beesly: I don't think so.
Michael Scott: When you broke it off with Roy, did you still tell him you loved him?
Pam Beesly: No.
Michael Scott: But you did still love him.
Pam Beesly: I'm not... I'm not going to have...
Michael Scott: Do you love him now?
Pam Beesly: No! Just talk to her.
Michael Scott: No. She'd just resent me. Or worse! She would think of me as her friend. (disgusted voice) Oh, hi friend! Blegh.
Phyllis Vance: I'll talk to her, Michael.
Michael Scott: You think she'd talk to you?
Phyllis Vance: Why wouldn't she?
Michael Scott: That's true. She's really nice. She'd talk to anybody. Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out?
Pam Beesly: There's a plan.
Andy Bernard: All right! We should divide up by section. I will take romance and travel.
Dwight Schrute: I'll take the entirety of the second floor.
Darryl Philbin: I got that cutie behind the counter.
Bookstore employee: Well, if you read a lot, you should check out our e-readers. They're really neat.
Darryl Philbin: Whoa, I work at a paper company, those things terrify me. They could put us out of business, you know? I heard those machines hold like, ten books at once.
Bookstore employee: Actually, it's ten thousand.
Darryl Philbin: Holy (bleep), what? Let me see that. It's so light. Like a croissant.
Andy Bernard: Hi.
Customer: Hi.
Dwight Schrute: Welcome.
Andy Bernard: Let us know if you need anything.
Customer: Thanks.
Andy Bernard: Why did we pretend like we work here?
Dwight Schrute: Is that what we were doing?
Darryl Philbin: Hey, how'd you do?
Andy Bernard: Good!
Dwight Schrute: Good. Real good.
Darryl Philbin: Really?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, yeah!
Andy Bernard: We kinda nailed it.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, pretty much. But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out, so. Let's roll.
Darryl Philbin: Cool.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. What'd you get?
Darryl Philbin: A book about oceans.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
Darryl Philbin: No, that's uh. Porn. Pornography. Old lady... nasty... porn.
Phyllis Vance: (whispering) Follow my lead. Hey, want some company?
Erin Hannon: Want some company?
Holly Flax: Oh, sure. Have a seat. How were your breaks?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, really good, I went to Portugal.
Erin Hannon: I went to Portugal.
Holly Flax: Oh, wow... you went together?
Phyllis Vance: No.
Erin Hannon: No.
Phyllis Vance: So, I've just gotta know. What's going on with you and AJ?
Holly Flax: Nothing really happened. I mean, I know I made a big deal about this whole New Year's deadline, but um, it came and went... and, we're still together.
Phyllis Vance: You didn't break up with AJ at all? I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?
Holly Flax: It just wasn't fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place. The whole thing is totally my fault. But we're going to be just fine. Just fine.
Darryl Philbin: Whoa! Hold on.
Dwight Schrute: I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.
Darryl Philbin: (Dwight heads toward a strip club) Oh, no, no, no. Uh-uh.
Dwight Schrute: Come on, why not? I've never been in one before. I'm tired of being Mr. Perfect Role Model all the time.
Darryl Philbin: I'm telling you, don't do it. I've got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.
Dwight Schrute: Well, we can't just go back, I mean, we came out to meet women.
Andy Bernard: Hey, there's a roller rink across the street! There's always chicks at the rink.
Darryl Philbin: What kind of chicks are you going to meet there?
Andy Bernard: I don't know. Single moms at a skating party. Sweet sixteen, ten year reunion parties.
Dwight Schrute: Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.
Andy Bernard: Roller derby practice!
Darryl Philbin: We're going skating.
Pam Beesly: The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions! Who's been good about their resolutions so far? Erin. Tell us about it.
Erin Hannon: Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.
Pam Beesly: Cool! Here's a little 'way to go' gift from Sabre. (tosses Erin a Frisbee)
Gabe Lewis: Intercepted!
Erin Hannon: Hey! Gabe.
Gabe Lewis: Whoops.
Pam Beesly: Creed. I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board. What's yours?
Creed Bratton: I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not make a big deal about it. But I know everybody saw it. Just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
Pam Beesly: How is it going?
Creed Bratton: I'm having a little trouble motivating.
Pam Beesly: One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them. In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February.
Michael Scott: Or sooner.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: That's not a joke.
Pam Beesly: But that's okay. Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying. In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've fudged on some of our resolutions?
Kevin Malone: Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet. But it's okay. I still have time, since last year, I ate none.
Pam Beesly: Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee. But that's fine.
Michael Scott: Is it?
Pam Beesly: Yes! Because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.
Michael Scott: Next year? Come-I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss, and I did it. 12:01, January first, BAM! Blood everywhere.
Kevin Malone: Well not all of us are Michael Freaking Scott.
Michael Scott: What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables. Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you. Come on, old man, do a cartwheel!
Creed Bratton: Well, I can't, I don't know how.
Michael Scott: You're just gonna somersault around for the rest of your life and you know what's going to be on your tombstone? Loser.
Creed Bratton: My tombstone's already made, thank you.
Michael Scott: Just do a cartwheel!
Erin Hannon: This is all I could find.
Michael Scott: (holding broccoli in front of Kevin) Eat it.
Pam Beesly: You don't have to do that, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: I don't know. I'm glad this is happening. Thank you, Michael.
Kelly Kapoor: Why are you eating stem first?
Kevin Malone: This is a new food for me, how else should I eat it?
Ryan Howard: The other way.
Kevin Malone: Can I get some cheese whiz? Or hollandaise?
Michael Scott: No. No cheese whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it. Come on. Here comes the airplane, there you go. Open, open, into the hanger, there you go.
Pam Beesly: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: Eat it. Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.
Kevin Malone: God, I hate it.
Michael Scott: I don't care whether you hate it! You said you'd do it!
Angela Martin: All right!
Michael Scott: Eat it!
Kelly Kapoor: You're killing him, Michael!
Michael Scott: All right, all right, shh!
Kevin Malone: All right, I ate the fluffy part, can I be done?
Michael Scott: Let me see if you swallowed it, open your mouth. Under your tongue. (reveals hidden broccoli, spits it out) Oh, God! You guys are pathetic.
Kevin Malone: Can I get some candy, or something?
Michael Scott: No! You can't have any candy!
Oscar Martinez: I'll get him water.
Pam Beesly: Okay, Michael, just settle down.
Michael Scott: (imitating E.T.) Holly Flax.
Holly Flax: Yes, Michael?
Michael Scott: (imitating E.T.) Not Michael, E.T.
Holly Flax: What's up?
Michael Scott: Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there.
Holly Flax: Oh, no, Michael, I don't want to talk about it with you. I mean, I'm fine, I just... I don't want to talk about it.
Michael Scott: Holly, come on in. Thanks for coming. I thought there should be an HR rep here for this. So, Kevin and Creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room.
Creed Bratton: You think?
Michael Scott: And I wanted to apologize. These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me, and it was none of my beeswax.
Kevin Malone: You were super mean.
Michael Scott: It was insensitive and I am sorry.
Kevin Malone: It was traumatizing, Michael. I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.
Michael Scott: I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions. The cartwheel, the veggies... I... care about you. Very much. And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.
Kevin Malone: Okay, Michael, no offense, but you need to get your own life.
Michael Scott: You're right. And I hope that we can still be friends.
Creed Bratton: I don't think I'm there yet, Boss.
Kevin Malone: Well, I am. (hugs Michael)
Michael Scott: Okay, oh! All right.
Kevin Malone: I'm going to help you.
Michael Scott: Okay.
DJ: (at the skating rink)Hey, uh. It's just you. Anything you want to hear?
Andy Bernard: Um... Dave Matthews Band. No hits! Deep tracks only.
DJ: Okay. (Ants Go Marching starts playing)
Andy Bernard: I said no hits!
Ryan Howard: I just feel blocked. Like I'm living, but I'm not...
Kevin Malone: Hey, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Kevin Malone: How's your fart project coming?
Ryan Howard: That's real, real classy, Kevin. Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to?
Kevin Malone: Me.
Pam Beesly: Kevin, don't! Come on!
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, Pam, soda. Caffeine!
Pam Beesly: Yeah, just a little, I have a lot to deal with today.
Meredith Palmer: (holding a pack of cigarettes) Well, if you don't have to do 'em...
Kelly Kapoor: Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant!
Ryan Howard: Okay, no.
Kelly Kapoor: My resolution was to get more attention.
Ryan Howard: No, she's lying.
Kevin Malone: Hey, Ryan. (taps board, makes farting noise)
Erin Hannon: One, two, three. (does cartwheel) I did it! I did a cartwheel!
Creed Bratton: (bleep) you! (bleep) you! God!
Pam Beesly: Okay, that's it.
Pam Beesly: (throws resolution board away in dumpster) Lesson learned.
Darryl Philbin: Sup?
Andy Bernard: Hey! Where did you go?
Darryl Philbin: To the arcade.
Andy Bernard: Oh, cool.
Darryl Philbin: Why, did you meet someone?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I did actually. His name is Andy, and he roller skates like a Greek god and you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him.
Darryl Philbin: Right on, son.
Dwight Schrute: Gentlemen.
Andy Bernard: And where did you go?
Dwight Schrute: Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.
Darryl Philbin: Right.
DJ: So, that's it, guys? If you want, I can put on the strobe.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Erin Hannon: You want to keep this?
Michael Scott: No.
Erin Hannon: Do you want to keep this?
Michael Scott: Yup.
Erin Hannon: Do you want to keep this?
Michael Scott: You can toss them.
Michael Scott: My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.
Holly Flax: We're gonna be just fine. You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine... just fine... just fine... just fine...
Holly Flax: I just think we need to cool things down for awhile. Yeah, a break. At least until I get back to Nashua. Yeah, I'm sure.
Michael Scott: Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel. So look at where you're going to be placing your hands. So pick a spot.
Creed Bratton: Mmmhm.
Michael Scott: You ready to do this?
Creed Bratton: Yes, sir.
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm going to stay here as long as it takes.
Creed Bratton: I really appreciate it, Boss.
Michael Scott: It's about you. It's about you. Go!
Creed Bratton: I did it!
Michael Scott: You did?
Creed Bratton: The perfect cartwheel.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Creed Bratton: What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.
Michael Scott: Congratulations. All right. Well, all right. See you tomorrow.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 12 season 7. Ultimatum is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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