Every line from The Office episode "The Seminar", season 7 episode 13.
David Brent: Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael Scott: (English accent) Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.
David Wallace: (laughing) What you doing?
David Wallace: You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.
Michael Scott: Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?
David Wallace: Yeah big time, yeah.
Michael Scott: I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David Wallace: Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
Michael Scott: Michael Scott.
David Wallace: Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li (bleep). That's what it sounds like.
Michael Scott: (laughing)
David Wallace: Herrow! Herrow!
Michael Scott: I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!
David Wallace: You can't do that these days. You can't.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David Wallace: No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. (laughs). (hugs Michaels) Ohh.
Michael Scott: That's good. Pleasure to meet you.
David Wallace: Where are you working?
Michael Scott: Dunder Mifflin.
David Wallace: Any jobs now?
Michael Scott: No, not right now.
David Wallace: Just let me know.
Michael Scott: All right. See you around.
David Wallace: All right.
Michael Scott: Bye-bye. What a nice guy.
Erin Hannon: Oh it's... (points to conference room)
Michael Scott: (enters) (in a gruff voice) Hello, I am here for the small business seminar.
Michael Scott: Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos.
Erin Hannon: Ooh. Wait, Michael?
Andy Bernard: Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.
Jim Halpert: Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win.
Andy Bernard: Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.
Jim Halpert: Wow. (sees guy at Erin's desk) Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar.
Andy Bernard: No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy,
Andy Bernard: If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night.
Jim Halpert: I'm really sorry. I can't do it.
Andy Bernard: You can't. You can't.
Jim Halpert: Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over?
Pam Beesly: What's going on? Do you know that guy?
Jim Halpert: I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office.
Dwight Schrute: (to Erin) How are the marks?
Dwight Schrute: What are some of your small business ideas?
Older guy: I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts.
Phyllis & Stanley & Dwight: Oooh!
Dwight Schrute: That's great. There's a big, big future in that.
Phyllis Vance: A lot of mines in Scranton.
Dwight Schrute: Um, what about you?
Younger Guy: Uh, credit cards.
Younger Guy: My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction.
Younger Guy: Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents.
Dwight Schrute: Right. Okay? Great.
Dwight Schrute: You promised us whales. These are worms.
Andy Bernard: They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter.
Andy Bernard: Stanley, you're suppose to close.
Phyllis Vance: I'm out too.
Andy Bernard: What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.
Dwight Schrute: We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.
Michael Scott: (as Mikanos) If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos?
Holly Flax: Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian.
Michael Scott: Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.
Holly Flax: Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.
Michael Scott: Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that.
Erin Hannon: (muttering) Down... there. (to Pam) Is "jlp" a word?
Pam Beesly: "Jelp?" J-e-l-p?
Erin Hannon: No, j-l-p. Like, "I jlp... I jlp you!"
Pam Beesly: I don't think that's a word.
Erin Hannon: I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game.
Pam Beesly: You want some help?
Pam Beesly: K-a. "Ka"? What does "ka" mean?
Oscar Martinez: It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play "moo"?
Erin Hannon: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo", I'm playing "milk". Whatever it takes.
Oscar Martinez: Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood". Would have played a...
Oscar Martinez: A triple word.
Erin Hannon: Like the cow mood yesterday. God.
Erin Hannon: The cow jumped over the moon.
Oscar Martinez: She's stuck on that one thing.
Pam Beesly: No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?
Andy Bernard: Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.
Kevin Malone: Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.
Andy Bernard: Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.
Kevin Malone: Then I won't let you down.
Andy Bernard: Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?
Andy Bernard: I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.
Andy Bernard: Can you do it?
Ryan Howard: Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that.
Ryan Howard: No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment.
Andy Bernard: What do I put you down for, bro hombre?
Ryan Howard: Yes, I'll do it.
Andy Bernard: Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome.
Ryan Howard: And if I flake, I flake.
Andy Bernard: Kevin, you open it up.
Andy Bernard: Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three!
Creed Bratton: Creed! Ha!
Andy Bernard: Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.
Older Woman: Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.
Andy Bernard: Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, "Don't Just Dream it, do it." Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. (plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train)
Kevin Malone: (running laps around the conference room) Yes!
Kevin Malone: (out of breath) Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. (coughing) And then double it! (coughing).
Andy Bernard: Are you okay?
Kevin Malone: No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. (coughing) (vomiting). Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! (runs out of room)
Andy Bernard: I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...
Kelly Kapoor: But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.
Andy Bernard: What are you...
Kelly Kapoor: Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.
Kelly Kapoor: I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.
Professor Powell: Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.
Kelly Kapoor: Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.
Professor Powell: Uh, why?
Kelly Kapoor: Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?
Professor Powell: Um, there aren't really ten secrets.
Kelly Kapoor: Come on Scott, please? It's me.
Professor Powell: Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.
Oscar Martinez: A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that "q" right there.
Oscar Martinez: Put the "q" there, sweetie.
Pam Beesly: I think there's better...
Oscar Martinez: Put the "q" there! (phone rings) Sorry I yelled.
Pam Beesly: You could have just told us what you were thinking.
Oscar Martinez: There's no theater in that.
Pam Beesly: There's no yelling in that, either.
Holly Flax: What do you do in your free time?
Michael Scott: (as Mikanos) Practice Olympics.
Holly Flax: Mmm. Do you like movies?
Michael Scott: (as Mikanos) I like the musical "Grease", or as we call it, "home".
Holly Flax: We have to try this out on somebody.
Michael Scott: (as Mikanos) Hello.
Hank Tate: Look, you want to order something?
Michael Scott: She will have a greekaccino.
Hank Tate: I don't know what that is.
Holly Flax: (with accent) It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.
Michael Scott: (laughs) I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk!
Holly Flax: No more brain damage.
Michael Scott: No more brain damage!
Andy Bernard: Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. (applause)
Creed Bratton: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?
Andy Bernard: (clapping) Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour.
Dwight Schrute: So what's your crazy business pipe dream?
Guy: Well, I started my own golf supply company.
Dwight Schrute: (unimpressed) Really?
Guy: It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.
Dwight Schrute: (quietly) Phyllis?
Dwight Schrute: Some of these people are for real.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?
Dwight Schrute: I got it. I got it.
Andy Bernard: (turning towards Darryl) Hey, do you need a lozenge?
Darryl Philbin: (whispering) They're a bunch of jackals.
Darryl Philbin: They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home.
Andy Bernard: (to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis): Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.
Andy Bernard: Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. (to Michael and Holly) Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on?
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) You're gonna blow it.
Andy Bernard: Maybe. Only maybe.
Oscar Martinez: We got it! Wow! We got it!
Pam Beesly: Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself.
Oscar Martinez: Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes.
Oscar Martinez: (pulls phone back) Ah. No! (laughing) (hands phone back). Although I must say, I will have "apoplexy" if you lose. Do you understand? "Apoplexy" is what I will have.
Erin Hannon: Got it. (plays word) Oh, Oscar. Oscar?
Andy Bernard: Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so...
Michael Scott: (as Mikanos) Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. (exits conference room) (normal voice) All, you have to close right now.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.
Michael Scott: No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, yeah.
Michael Scott: Andy, what's the problem?
Andy Bernard: This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.
Michael Scott: You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. (entering conference room) (as Mikanos) What is taking that guy so long?
Pam Beesly: Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.
Jim Halpert: Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually.
Pam Beesly: And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group.
Jim Halpert: I was blue group, so it was second from the top.
Jim Halpert: Was in the green group.
Pam Beesly: And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence.
Jim Halpert: And that's what I told him.
Pam Beesly: Right. But how'd you say it?
Jim Halpert: "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."
Andy Bernard: Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now?
Older Woman: I'll take one.
Andy Bernard: Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? (younger guy raises hand) Sold! Anybody else? (older guy raises hand) Yes! All right!
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah bitch.
Andy Bernard: Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.
Michael Scott: (quietly) No, no, no.
Andy Bernard: But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime.
Tom: Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, woah. (deeper voice) Yep, absolutely, go ahead.
Jim Halpert: Pretty good.
Jim Halpert: It has been, yeah.
Tom: So you work here, huh?
Tom: Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. (laughs)
Tom: 'Cause you're so smart.
Jim Halpert: Oh, man. You remember that, huh?
Tom: Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius.
Jim Halpert: All right, good catch-up.
Tom: Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?
Holly Flax: (with accent) Wonderful seminar!
Michael Scott: (as Mikanos) Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on.
Holly Flax: Michael, I should get back to work.
Michael Scott: What? Come on. It's time for grapes. (regular voice) Real fun day.
Erin Hannon: I know. You get to pick.
Gabe Lewis: Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch "Wall-e".
Gabe Lewis: So I got us a compromise. This movie's called "Hardware". It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married...
Andy Bernard: Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it.
Erin Hannon: There's a "Shrek" two?!
Andy Bernard: Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow.
Erin Hannon: Ohh. (laughs)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 13 season 7. The Seminar is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.