Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Seminar

Vol. 7 · Issue 13Scranton, PA

Andy is trying to save his sales career by hosting a small business seminar, even if his "expert" speakers include a vomiting Kevin and a very confused Creed. Every line from the episode is right here, so you can catch all of Kelly's "Business Bitch" wisdom and Michael’s weirdly Italian-sounding Greek character, Mikanos. It's the full script you need to see exactly how Andy actually managed to close those sales.

Scene 01

26 lines
David Brent
Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael Scott
(English accent) Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.
David Wallace
(laughing) What you doing?
Michael Scott
English?
David Wallace
You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.
Michael Scott
Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?
David Wallace
Yeah big time, yeah.
Michael Scott
I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David Wallace
Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
Michael Scott
Michael Scott.
David Wallace
Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li (bleep). That's what it sounds like.
Michael Scott
(laughing)
David Wallace
Herrow! Herrow!
Michael Scott
I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!
David Wallace
You can't do that these days. You can't.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David Wallace
No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. (laughs). (hugs Michaels) Ohh.
Michael Scott
That's good. Pleasure to meet you.
David Wallace
Where are you working?
Michael Scott
Dunder Mifflin.
David Wallace
Any jobs now?
Michael Scott
No, not right now.
David Wallace
Just let me know.
Michael Scott
All right. See you around.
David Wallace
All right.
Michael Scott
Bye-bye. What a nice guy.

Scene 02

2 lines
Erin Hannon
Your first student is here, Mister Bernard.
Andy Bernard
That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard.

Scene 03

1 line
Andy Bernard
Last year, I went to a seminar called "The Ten Secrets of Real Estate". Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.

Scene 04

6 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh it's... (points to conference room)
Michael Scott
(enters) (in a gruff voice) Hello, I am here for the small business seminar.
Erin Hannon
Michael?
Michael Scott
Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos.
Erin Hannon
Ooh. Wait, Michael?
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character "Mikanos", is just a little added flava. "Mikanos" is loosely based on another character I do, "Spiros", who is more about the ladies.

Scene 06

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.
Jim Halpert
Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win.
Andy Bernard
Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.
Jim Halpert
Wow. (sees guy at Erin's desk) Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar.
Andy Bernard
No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy,
Jim Halpert
I know.
Andy Bernard
If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night.
Jim Halpert
I'm really sorry. I can't do it.
Andy Bernard
You can't. You can't.

Scene 07

1 line
Andy Bernard
I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.

Scene 08

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over?
Pam Beesly
What's going on? Do you know that guy?
Jim Halpert
I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office.
Dwight Schrute
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
(to Erin) How are the marks?

Scene 09

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
What are some of your small business ideas?
Older guy
I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts.
Phyllis & Stanley & Dwight
Oooh!
Dwight Schrute
That's great. There's a big, big future in that.
Phyllis Vance
A lot of mines in Scranton.
Dwight Schrute
Um, what about you?
Younger Guy
Uh, credit cards.
Dwight Schrute
Uh-huh.
Younger Guy
My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction.
Dwight Schrute
Wow!
Younger Guy
Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents.
Dwight Schrute
Right. Okay? Great.
Stanley Hudson
Great.

Scene 10

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
You promised us whales. These are worms.
Andy Bernard
They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter.
Stanley Hudson
I'm out.
Andy Bernard
Stanley, you're suppose to close.
Phyllis Vance
I'm out too.
Andy Bernard
What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.
Dwight Schrute
We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.

Scene 11

3 lines
Michael Scott
You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and...
Holly Flax
Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.

Scene 13

5 lines
Michael Scott
(as Mikanos) If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos?
Holly Flax
Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian.
Michael Scott
Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.
Holly Flax
Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.
Michael Scott
Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that.

Scene 14

5 lines
Erin Hannon
(muttering) Down... there. (to Pam) Is "jlp" a word?
Pam Beesly
"Jelp?" J-e-l-p?
Erin Hannon
No, j-l-p. Like, "I jlp... I jlp you!"
Pam Beesly
I don't think that's a word.
Erin Hannon
I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game.

Scene 15

1 line
Erin Hannon
The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen "The Shining", "Rosemary's Baby", "The Ring". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything.

Scene 16

15 lines
Pam Beesly
You want some help?
Erin Hannon
Really?
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Erin Hannon
Yes.
Pam Beesly
K-a. "Ka"? What does "ka" mean?
Oscar Martinez
It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play "moo"?
Erin Hannon
Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo", I'm playing "milk". Whatever it takes.
Oscar Martinez
Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood". Would have played a...
Erin Hannon
Uh...
Oscar Martinez
A triple word.
Erin Hannon
Like the cow mood yesterday. God.
Oscar Martinez
Or moon.
Erin Hannon
The cow jumped over the moon.
Oscar Martinez
She's stuck on that one thing.
Pam Beesly
No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?

Scene 17

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.
Kevin Malone
Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.
Andy Bernard
Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.
Kevin Malone
Then I won't let you down.

Scene 18

18 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Cake.
Ryan Howard
In you go.
Andy Bernard
Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?
Ryan Howard
Yup.
Andy Bernard
I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.
Ryan Howard
And?
Andy Bernard
Can you do it?
Ryan Howard
Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that.
Andy Bernard
So no?
Ryan Howard
No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, baby.
Andy Bernard
What do I put you down for, bro hombre?
Ryan Howard
Yes.
Andy Bernard
All right!
Ryan Howard
Yes, I'll do it.
Andy Bernard
Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome.
Ryan Howard
And if I flake, I flake.
Andy Bernard
What?

Scene 19

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Kevin, you open it up.
Kevin Malone
Yep.
Andy Bernard
Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three!
Kevin Malone
Go.
Creed Bratton
Creed! Ha!

Scene 20

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.
Older Woman
Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.
Andy Bernard
Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, "Don't Just Dream it, do it." Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. (plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train)
Kevin Malone
(running laps around the conference room) Yes!

Scene 21

1 line
Kevin Malone
There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type.

Scene 22

5 lines
Kevin Malone
(out of breath) Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. (coughing) And then double it! (coughing).
Andy Bernard
Are you okay?
Kevin Malone
No. Yes!
Andy Bernard
Here...
Kevin Malone
No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. (coughing) (vomiting). Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! (runs out of room)

Scene 23

4 lines
Andy Bernard
I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...
Kelly Kapoor
But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.
Andy Bernard
What are you...
Kelly Kapoor
Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.

Scene 24

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. "The Business Bitch", "The Diet Bitch", "The Shopping Bitch", "The Etiquette Bitch."

Scene 25

9 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.
Professor Powell
Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.
Kelly Kapoor
Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.
Professor Powell
Uh, why?
Kelly Kapoor
Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?
Professor Powell
Um, there aren't really ten secrets.
Kelly Kapoor
Come on Scott, please? It's me.
Professor Powell
Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.
Kelly Kapoor
Mm-hmm.

Scene 26

1 line
Andy Bernard
That brilliant little bitch.

Scene 27

9 lines
Oscar Martinez
A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that "q" right there.
Erin Hannon
Wait. Why?
Oscar Martinez
Put the "q" there, sweetie.
Pam Beesly
I think there's better...
Oscar Martinez
Put the "q" there! (phone rings) Sorry I yelled.
Pam Beesly
You could have just told us what you were thinking.
Oscar Martinez
There's no theater in that.
Pam Beesly
There's no yelling in that, either.
Oscar Martinez
Well...

Scene 28

5 lines
Holly Flax
What do you do in your free time?
Michael Scott
(as Mikanos) Practice Olympics.
Holly Flax
Mmm. Do you like movies?
Michael Scott
(as Mikanos) I like the musical "Grease", or as we call it, "home".
Holly Flax
We have to try this out on somebody.

Scene 29

10 lines
Michael Scott
(as Mikanos) Hello.
Hank Tate
Look, you want to order something?
Michael Scott
She will have a greekaccino.
Hank Tate
I don't know what that is.
Michael Scott
It...
Holly Flax
(with accent) It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.
Michael Scott
(laughs) I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk!
Holly Flax
No more brain damage.
Michael Scott
No more brain damage!
Holly Flax
Ahh!

Scene 30

1 line
Holly Flax
I don't know.

Scene 31

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. (applause)
Creed Bratton
Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?
Andy Bernard
(clapping) Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour.

Scene 32

4 lines
Gabe Lewis
I picked out our movie. It's called "Suspiria". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.
Erin Hannon
When I win...
Gabe Lewis
Ooh.
Erin Hannon
We're gonna watch "Wall-e", where all the boundaries of color are pushed.

Scene 33

1 line
Gabe Lewis
It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some "Slumdog Millionaire" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible.

Scene 34

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
So what's your crazy business pipe dream?
Guy
Well, I started my own golf supply company.
Dwight Schrute
(unimpressed) Really?
Guy
It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.
Dwight Schrute
(quietly) Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance
Hmm?
Dwight Schrute
Some of these people are for real.

Scene 35

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?
Andy Bernard
Really?
Darryl Philbin
Ahem!
Andy Bernard
Excuse me.
Dwight Schrute
I got it. I got it.
Andy Bernard
(turning towards Darryl) Hey, do you need a lozenge?
Darryl Philbin
(whispering) They're a bunch of jackals.
Andy Bernard
What?
Darryl Philbin
They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home.
Andy Bernard
(to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis): Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.

Scene 36

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. (to Michael and Holly) Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on?
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) You're gonna blow it.
Andy Bernard
Maybe. Only maybe.

Scene 37

8 lines
Oscar Martinez
We got it! Wow! We got it!
Pam Beesly
Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself.
Oscar Martinez
Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes.
Erin Hannon
Yes.
Oscar Martinez
(pulls phone back) Ah. No! (laughing) (hands phone back). Although I must say, I will have "apoplexy" if you lose. Do you understand? "Apoplexy" is what I will have.
Erin Hannon
Apoplexy.
Oscar Martinez
Yes.
Erin Hannon
Got it. (plays word) Oh, Oscar. Oscar?

Scene 38

1 line
Erin Hannon
I played "ape."

Scene 39

1 line
Jim Halpert
(on phone) I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.

Scene 40

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so...
Michael Scott
(as Mikanos) Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. (exits conference room) (normal voice) All, you have to close right now.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.
Michael Scott
No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, yeah.
Michael Scott
Andy, what's the problem?
Andy Bernard
This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.
Michael Scott
You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. (entering conference room) (as Mikanos) What is taking that guy so long?

Scene 41

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Psst. You think this thing's gonna go much longer?
Pam Beesly
I don't know. They're still in there.
Jim Halpert
Ohh! Good-bye.
Pam Beesly
Stop. Out with it.

Scene 42

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.
Jim Halpert
Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually.
Pam Beesly
And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group.
Jim Halpert
I was blue group, so it was second from the top.
Pam Beesly
And Tom...
Jim Halpert
Was in the green group.
Pam Beesly
And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence.
Jim Halpert
And that's what I told him.
Pam Beesly
Right. But how'd you say it?
Jim Halpert
"My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."

Scene 43

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now?
Older Woman
I'll take one.
Andy Bernard
Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? (younger guy raises hand) Sold! Anybody else? (older guy raises hand) Yes! All right!
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah bitch.
Andy Bernard
Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.
Michael Scott
(quietly) No, no, no.
Andy Bernard
But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime.
Kelly Kapoor
Whoo!

Scene 44

19 lines
Tom
Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, woah. (deeper voice) Yep, absolutely, go ahead.
Tom
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Tom
How's it goin'?
Jim Halpert
Pretty good.
Tom
It's been a while.
Jim Halpert
It has been, yeah.
Tom
So you work here, huh?
Jim Halpert
Sales.
Tom
Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. (laughs)
Jim Halpert
(laughs)
Tom
'Cause you're so smart.
Jim Halpert
Oh, man. You remember that, huh?
Tom
Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius.
Jim Halpert
All right, good catch-up.
Tom
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
See ya.
Tom
Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?

Scene 45

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya.
Andy Bernard
Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em.

Scene 46

4 lines
Holly Flax
(with accent) Wonderful seminar!
Michael Scott
(as Mikanos) Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on.
Holly Flax
Michael, I should get back to work.
Michael Scott
What? Come on. It's time for grapes. (regular voice) Real fun day.

Scene 47

10 lines
Gabe Lewis
So, I won.
Erin Hannon
I know. You get to pick.
Gabe Lewis
Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch "Wall-e".
Erin Hannon
Yes?
Gabe Lewis
So I got us a compromise. This movie's called "Hardware". It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married...
Andy Bernard
Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it.
Erin Hannon
There's a "Shrek" two?!
Andy Bernard
Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow.
Gabe Lewis
Nice guy.
Erin Hannon
Ohh. (laughs)