Scene 0126 linesDavid BrentOpen quote: Oh, sorry, mate.Michael ScottOpen quote: (English accent) Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.David WallaceOpen quote: (laughing) What you doing?Michael ScottOpen quote: English?David WallaceOpen quote: You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?David WallaceOpen quote: Yeah big time, yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah.David WallaceOpen quote: Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Michael Scott.David WallaceOpen quote: Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li (bleep). That's what it sounds like.Michael ScottOpen quote: (laughing)David WallaceOpen quote: Herrow! Herrow!Michael ScottOpen quote: I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!David WallaceOpen quote: You can't do that these days. You can't.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.David WallaceOpen quote: No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. (laughs). (hugs Michaels) Ohh.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's good. Pleasure to meet you.David WallaceOpen quote: Where are you working?Michael ScottOpen quote: Dunder Mifflin.David WallaceOpen quote: Any jobs now?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, not right now.David WallaceOpen quote: Just let me know.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right. See you around.David WallaceOpen quote: All right.Michael ScottOpen quote: Bye-bye. What a nice guy.
Scene 022 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Your first student is here, Mister Bernard.Andy BernardOpen quote: That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard.
Scene 031 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Last year, I went to a seminar called "The Ten Secrets of Real Estate". Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.
Scene 046 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Oh it's... (points to conference room)Michael ScottOpen quote: (enters) (in a gruff voice) Hello, I am here for the small business seminar.Erin HannonOpen quote: Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos.Erin HannonOpen quote: Ooh. Wait, Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 051 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character "Mikanos", is just a little added flava. "Mikanos" is loosely based on another character I do, "Spiros", who is more about the ladies.
Scene 069 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win.Andy BernardOpen quote: Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. (sees guy at Erin's desk) Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar.Andy BernardOpen quote: No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy,Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know.Andy BernardOpen quote: If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm really sorry. I can't do it.Andy BernardOpen quote: You can't. You can't.
Scene 071 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.
Scene 086 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What's going on? Do you know that guy?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (to Erin) How are the marks?
Scene 0913 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What are some of your small business ideas?Older guyOpen quote: I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts.Phyllis & Stanley & DwightOpen quote: Oooh!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's great. There's a big, big future in that.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: A lot of mines in Scranton.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Um, what about you?Younger GuyOpen quote: Uh, credit cards.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh-huh.Younger GuyOpen quote: My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wow!Younger GuyOpen quote: Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Right. Okay? Great.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Great.
Scene 107 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You promised us whales. These are worms.Andy BernardOpen quote: They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I'm out.Andy BernardOpen quote: Stanley, you're suppose to close.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I'm out too.Andy BernardOpen quote: What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.
Scene 113 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and...Holly FlaxOpen quote: Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 121 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.
Scene 135 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (as Mikanos) If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos?Holly FlaxOpen quote: Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that.
Scene 145 linesErin HannonOpen quote: (muttering) Down... there. (to Pam) Is "jlp" a word?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: "Jelp?" J-e-l-p?Erin HannonOpen quote: No, j-l-p. Like, "I jlp... I jlp you!"Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't think that's a word.Erin HannonOpen quote: I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game.
Scene 151 lineErin HannonOpen quote: The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen "The Shining", "Rosemary's Baby", "The Ring". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything.
Scene 1615 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: You want some help?Erin HannonOpen quote: Really?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Erin HannonOpen quote: Yes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: K-a. "Ka"? What does "ka" mean?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play "moo"?Erin HannonOpen quote: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo", I'm playing "milk". Whatever it takes.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood". Would have played a...Erin HannonOpen quote: Uh...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: A triple word.Erin HannonOpen quote: Like the cow mood yesterday. God.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Or moon.Erin HannonOpen quote: The cow jumped over the moon.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: She's stuck on that one thing.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?
Scene 174 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Then I won't let you down.
Scene 1818 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: Cake.Ryan HowardOpen quote: In you go.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yup.Andy BernardOpen quote: I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.Ryan HowardOpen quote: And?Andy BernardOpen quote: Can you do it?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that.Andy BernardOpen quote: So no?Ryan HowardOpen quote: No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh, baby.Andy BernardOpen quote: What do I put you down for, bro hombre?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yes.Andy BernardOpen quote: All right!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yes, I'll do it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome.Ryan HowardOpen quote: And if I flake, I flake.Andy BernardOpen quote: What?
Scene 195 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Kevin, you open it up.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yep.Andy BernardOpen quote: Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Go.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Creed! Ha!
Scene 204 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.Older WomanOpen quote: Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.Andy BernardOpen quote: Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, "Don't Just Dream it, do it." Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. (plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (running laps around the conference room) Yes!
Scene 211 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type.
Scene 225 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (out of breath) Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. (coughing) And then double it! (coughing).Andy BernardOpen quote: Are you okay?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No. Yes!Andy BernardOpen quote: Here...Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. (coughing) (vomiting). Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! (runs out of room)
Scene 234 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.Andy BernardOpen quote: What are you...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.
Scene 241 lineKelly KapoorOpen quote: It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. "The Business Bitch", "The Diet Bitch", "The Shopping Bitch", "The Etiquette Bitch."
Scene 259 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.Professor PowellOpen quote: Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.Professor PowellOpen quote: Uh, why?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?Professor PowellOpen quote: Um, there aren't really ten secrets.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Come on Scott, please? It's me.Professor PowellOpen quote: Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Mm-hmm.
Scene 279 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that "q" right there.Erin HannonOpen quote: Wait. Why?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Put the "q" there, sweetie.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I think there's better...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Put the "q" there! (phone rings) Sorry I yelled.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You could have just told us what you were thinking.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: There's no theater in that.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: There's no yelling in that, either.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Well...
Scene 285 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: What do you do in your free time?Michael ScottOpen quote: (as Mikanos) Practice Olympics.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Mmm. Do you like movies?Michael ScottOpen quote: (as Mikanos) I like the musical "Grease", or as we call it, "home".Holly FlaxOpen quote: We have to try this out on somebody.
Scene 2910 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (as Mikanos) Hello.Hank TateOpen quote: Look, you want to order something?Michael ScottOpen quote: She will have a greekaccino.Hank TateOpen quote: I don't know what that is.Michael ScottOpen quote: It...Holly FlaxOpen quote: (with accent) It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.Michael ScottOpen quote: (laughs) I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk!Holly FlaxOpen quote: No more brain damage.Michael ScottOpen quote: No more brain damage!Holly FlaxOpen quote: Ahh!
Scene 313 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. (applause)Creed BrattonOpen quote: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?Andy BernardOpen quote: (clapping) Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour.
Scene 324 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: I picked out our movie. It's called "Suspiria". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.Erin HannonOpen quote: When I win...Gabe LewisOpen quote: Ooh.Erin HannonOpen quote: We're gonna watch "Wall-e", where all the boundaries of color are pushed.
Scene 331 lineGabe LewisOpen quote: It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some "Slumdog Millionaire" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible.
Scene 347 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: So what's your crazy business pipe dream?GuyOpen quote: Well, I started my own golf supply company.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (unimpressed) Really?GuyOpen quote: It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (quietly) Phyllis?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Hmm?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Some of these people are for real.
Scene 3512 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?Andy BernardOpen quote: Really?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Ahem!Andy BernardOpen quote: Excuse me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I got it. I got it.Andy BernardOpen quote: (turning towards Darryl) Hey, do you need a lozenge?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: (whispering) They're a bunch of jackals.Andy BernardOpen quote: What?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home.Andy BernardOpen quote: (to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis): Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.
Scene 363 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. (to Michael and Holly) Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering) You're gonna blow it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Maybe. Only maybe.
Scene 378 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: We got it! Wow! We got it!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes.Erin HannonOpen quote: Yes.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (pulls phone back) Ah. No! (laughing) (hands phone back). Although I must say, I will have "apoplexy" if you lose. Do you understand? "Apoplexy" is what I will have.Erin HannonOpen quote: Apoplexy.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yes.Erin HannonOpen quote: Got it. (plays word) Oh, Oscar. Oscar?
Scene 391 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (on phone) I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.
Scene 408 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so...Michael ScottOpen quote: (as Mikanos) Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. (exits conference room) (normal voice) All, you have to close right now.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Andy, what's the problem?Andy BernardOpen quote: This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.Michael ScottOpen quote: You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. (entering conference room) (as Mikanos) What is taking that guy so long?
Scene 414 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Psst. You think this thing's gonna go much longer?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't know. They're still in there.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ohh! Good-bye.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Stop. Out with it.
Scene 4210 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I was blue group, so it was second from the top.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And Tom...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Was in the green group.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And that's what I told him.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Right. But how'd you say it?Jim HalpertOpen quote: "My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."
Scene 438 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now?Older WomanOpen quote: I'll take one.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? (younger guy raises hand) Sold! Anybody else? (older guy raises hand) Yes! All right!Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah bitch.Andy BernardOpen quote: Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.Michael ScottOpen quote: (quietly) No, no, no.Andy BernardOpen quote: But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Whoo!
Scene 4419 linesTomOpen quote: Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, woah. (deeper voice) Yep, absolutely, go ahead.TomOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.TomOpen quote: How's it goin'?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pretty good.TomOpen quote: It's been a while.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It has been, yeah.TomOpen quote: So you work here, huh?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sales.TomOpen quote: Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. (laughs)Jim HalpertOpen quote: (laughs)TomOpen quote: 'Cause you're so smart.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, man. You remember that, huh?TomOpen quote: Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, good catch-up.TomOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: See ya.TomOpen quote: Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?
Scene 452 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em.
Scene 464 linesHolly FlaxOpen quote: (with accent) Wonderful seminar!Michael ScottOpen quote: (as Mikanos) Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on.Holly FlaxOpen quote: Michael, I should get back to work.Michael ScottOpen quote: What? Come on. It's time for grapes. (regular voice) Real fun day.
Scene 4710 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: So, I won.Erin HannonOpen quote: I know. You get to pick.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch "Wall-e".Erin HannonOpen quote: Yes?Gabe LewisOpen quote: So I got us a compromise. This movie's called "Hardware". It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married...Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it.Erin HannonOpen quote: There's a "Shrek" two?!Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Nice guy.Erin HannonOpen quote: Ohh. (laughs)
