Andy hosts a small business seminar in the office. This page includes the full script and all the lines from The Office episode, "The Seminar" from season 7 episode 13.
David Brent:Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael Scott:(English accent) Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.
David Wallace:(laughing) What you doing?
Michael Scott:English?
David Wallace:You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.
Michael Scott:Oh no no, I'm not picking on you at all. You're English, correct?
David Wallace:Yeah big time, yeah.
Michael Scott:I'm working on an English character. Would you mind gi... It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David Wallace:Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
Michael Scott:Michael Scott.
David Wallace:Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He's called Ho Li (bleep). That's what it sounds like.
Michael Scott:(laughing)
David Wallace:Herrow! Herrow!
Michael Scott:I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!
David Wallace:You can't do that these days. You can't.
Michael Scott:No, no, no. And people don't understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David Wallace:No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said. (laughs). (hugs Michaels) Ohh.
Michael Scott:That's good. Pleasure to meet you.
David Wallace:Where are you working?
Michael Scott:Dunder Mifflin.
David Wallace:Any jobs now?
Michael Scott:No, not right now.
David Wallace:Just let me know.
Michael Scott:All right. See you around.
David Wallace:All right.
Michael Scott:Bye-bye. What a nice guy.
Erin Hannon:Your first student is here, Mister Bernard.
Andy Bernard:That's actually "Master of Ceremonies" Bernard.
Andy Bernard:Last year, I went to a seminar called "The Ten Secrets of Real Estate". Turns out it was just a ploy to sell me time-shares in Idaho. Cut to, you know, spending a weekend in Boise, terrible time, super lonely. But I get to thinking maybe I should put on my own seminar to lure clients.
Erin Hannon:Oh it's... (points to conference room)
Michael Scott:(enters)(in a gruff voice) Hello, I am here for the small business seminar.
Erin Hannon:Michael?
Michael Scott:Nein! I'm greek! My name is Mikanos.
Erin Hannon:Ooh. Wait, Michael?
Michael Scott:Okay.
Michael Scott:I am the plant. Every great seminar has one. My job is to make the speaker look good, and I do this through the techniques of leading questions and laughing at all jokes. And the character "Mikanos", is just a little added flava. "Mikanos" is loosely based on another character I do, "Spiros", who is more about the ladies.
Andy Bernard:Thank you so much Tuna Turner. You are simply the best.
Jim Halpert:Listen, this isn't a favor, all right? This is a good idea. We all win.
Andy Bernard:Go higher. I get super flexible when I'm nervous.
Jim Halpert:Wow. (sees guy at Erin's desk) Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Hey, Andy, I'm really, really sorry to do this to you, but I have a meeting today that I totally forgot, so I can't be apart of this seminar.
Andy Bernard:No. What? You can't do that. You are a critical part of this seminar. You're the charming warm-up guy,
Jim Halpert:I know.
Andy Bernard:If the seminar was a meal, you'd be the amuse-bouche. You like, signal the flavors of the whole night.
Jim Halpert:I'm really sorry. I can't do it.
Andy Bernard:You can't. You can't.
Andy Bernard:I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately, or ever. This is my only idea on how to turn things around. If it goes badly, I might lose my job, which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.
Jim Halpert:Will you let me know when this whole seminar thing's over?
Pam Beesly:What's going on? Do you know that guy?
Jim Halpert:I just have a meeting, uh, outside the office.
Dwight Schrute:Hey.
Jim Halpert:Hey.
Dwight Schrute:(to Erin) How are the marks?
Dwight Schrute:What are some of your small business ideas?
Older guy:I was thinking we could buy up of abandoned mine shafts.
Phyllis & Stanley & Dwight:Oooh!
Dwight Schrute:That's great. There's a big, big future in that.
Phyllis Vance:A lot of mines in Scranton.
Dwight Schrute:Um, what about you?
Younger Guy:Uh, credit cards.
Dwight Schrute:Uh-huh.
Younger Guy:My company would act as an intermedium, for like, point two cents off every transaction.
Dwight Schrute:Wow!
Younger Guy:Something with cell phones. It's like, every time you make a phone call I'd make point two cents. Or anything like any on-line shopping I would get point two cents.
Dwight Schrute:Right. Okay? Great.
Stanley Hudson:Great.
Dwight Schrute:You promised us whales. These are worms.
Andy Bernard:They're not worms, Dwight, okay? They're just people with tiny businesses. They're baby whales which is even cuter.
Stanley Hudson:I'm out.
Andy Bernard:Stanley, you're suppose to close.
Phyllis Vance:I'm out too.
Andy Bernard:What? I already lost Jim. Salesmen are suppose to help each other out. We're suppose to be a team.
Dwight Schrute:We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.
Michael Scott:You know what might be kind of fun? I was thinking , you know Andy is having a seminar today? What if we went in as a greek couple? Mikanos and...
Holly Flax:Oh, I don't know, Michael. I'm not feeling up to that.
Michael Scott:Okay.
Michael Scott:Holly broke up with A.J last week, which is the greatest thing that has ever happened... to me. To Holly, it's been the worst week of her life, and I know for a fact that there was a week for her in high school when she got mono and her first period ever. Too much information? That's what I thought. But, you know what? Here I am using it.
Michael Scott:(as Mikanos) If-a you change-a you mind, why don't you talk to Mikanos?
Holly Flax:Is Mikanos greek? He sounds Italian.
Michael Scott:Ugh. You're the fifth person to tell me that today.
Holly Flax:Maybe Mikanos ran away to join the Italian circus.
Michael Scott:Okay, yeah, like a character history. Good. Tom Hanks does that.
Erin Hannon:(muttering) Down... there. (to Pam) Is "jlp" a word?
Pam Beesly:"Jelp?" J-e-l-p?
Erin Hannon:No, j-l-p. Like, "I jlp... I jlp you!"
Pam Beesly:I don't think that's a word.
Erin Hannon:I'm playing Scrabble with Gabe, and I've never won a game.
Erin Hannon:The winner gets to pick the movie we watch. I have won no games. So far I've seen "The Shining", "Rosemary's Baby", "The Ring". Not really my thing. Although, I... I do like the early parts of the movies where they have a perfect family and everything.
Pam Beesly:You want some help?
Erin Hannon:Really?
Pam Beesly:Mm-hmm.
Erin Hannon:Yes.
Pam Beesly:K-a. "Ka"? What does "ka" mean?
Oscar Martinez:It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you. Why did you play "moo"?
Erin Hannon:Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo", I'm playing "milk". Whatever it takes.
Oscar Martinez:Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood". Would have played a...
Erin Hannon:Uh...
Oscar Martinez:A triple word.
Erin Hannon:Like the cow mood yesterday. God.
Oscar Martinez:Or moon.
Erin Hannon:The cow jumped over the moon.
Oscar Martinez:She's stuck on that one thing.
Pam Beesly:No, it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?
Andy Bernard:Kevin, Jim dropped out of my seminar, and I'm just... I was wondering if you could replace him as my charming warm up guy.
Kevin Malone:Andy, I'm no Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.
Andy Bernard:Hey, that's crazy talk. I think you're great.
Kevin Malone:Then I won't let you down.
Kelly Kapoor:Cake.
Ryan Howard:In you go.
Andy Bernard:Hi, Ryan, you went to business school, right?
Ryan Howard:Yup.
Andy Bernard:I need somebody to talk to this seminar about business.
Ryan Howard:And?
Andy Bernard:Can you do it?
Ryan Howard:Okay. I don't... I don't like committing to things just like that.
Andy Bernard:So no?
Ryan Howard:No, I don't like committing to not doing things, either. That's just as big a commitment.
Kelly Kapoor:Oh, baby.
Andy Bernard:What do I put you down for, bro hombre?
Ryan Howard:Yes.
Andy Bernard:All right!
Ryan Howard:Yes, I'll do it.
Andy Bernard:Okay, than you so much. It's going to be so awesome.
Ryan Howard:And if I flake, I flake.
Andy Bernard:What?
Andy Bernard:Kevin, you open it up.
Kevin Malone:Yep.
Andy Bernard:Ryan, you come in with your small biz expertise, right? And then Creed: guest speaker extraordinaire. And then I come in and just close all the sales and stuff. Um, okay, here we go. One, two three!
Kevin Malone:Go.
Creed Bratton:Creed! Ha!
Andy Bernard:Welcome everybody. Awesome to see you guys. My name is Andy Bernard but you can call me The Nard Dog.
Older Woman:Hi Nard Dog. I'm Lu Peachem.
Andy Bernard:Let's get things started, shall we? You guys ready to hear from the Dunder Mifflin business experts? Good. Well, as you can see on your program... first up is a speech called, "Don't Just Dream it, do it." Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone. (plays Ozzy Osboure's Crazy Train)
Kevin Malone:(running laps around the conference room) Yes!
Kevin Malone:There are some people who have charm and some people who don't. Guess which type I am. Charm type.
Kevin Malone:(out of breath) Dream... big. Right? So what I want you to do is dream the biggest that you c... an. (coughing) And then double it! (coughing).
Andy Bernard:Are you okay?
Kevin Malone:No. Yes!
Andy Bernard:Here...
Kevin Malone:No. I'm fine. Okay, from here now. The first lesson that I'm gonna teach you, right, is about finding success. And the key to finding success is to picture a winner. (coughing)(vomiting). Okay, so then, what are you picturing right now, right this second? 'Cause the universe is yours, people. Get out of the way! (runs out of room)
Andy Bernard:I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last...
Kelly Kapoor:But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.
Andy Bernard:What are you...
Kelly Kapoor:Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.
Kelly Kapoor:It is important to brand yourself, so I have a couple of things in works. "The Business Bitch", "The Diet Bitch", "The Shopping Bitch", "The Etiquette Bitch."
Kelly Kapoor:I could sit here, and I could tell you the ten secrets of business, and you would have a great time, and you would learn a lot. But who better to tell you than the Yale University adjunct professor in management, Professor Scott Powell, who I have on my Blackberry. It's ringing.
Professor Powell:Hey, Kelly Kapoor. What a delicious surprise.
Kelly Kapoor:Profess Powell, you are on speakerphone.
Professor Powell:Uh, why?
Kelly Kapoor:Do you think you could tell us the ten secrets of business?
Professor Powell:Um, there aren't really ten secrets.
Kelly Kapoor:Come on Scott, please? It's me.
Professor Powell:Um, all right. Well, um, I guess know your market would be key. Practice fiscal discipline.
Kelly Kapoor:Mm-hmm.
Andy Bernard:That brilliant little bitch.
Oscar Martinez:A little treat for our old friend Gabe. Put that "q" right there.
Erin Hannon:Wait. Why?
Oscar Martinez:Put the "q" there, sweetie.
Pam Beesly:I think there's better...
Oscar Martinez:Put the "q" there! (phone rings) Sorry I yelled.
Pam Beesly:You could have just told us what you were thinking.
Oscar Martinez:There's no theater in that.
Pam Beesly:There's no yelling in that, either.
Oscar Martinez:Well...
Holly Flax:What do you do in your free time?
Michael Scott:(as Mikanos) Practice Olympics.
Holly Flax:Mmm. Do you like movies?
Michael Scott:(as Mikanos) I like the musical "Grease", or as we call it, "home".
Holly Flax:We have to try this out on somebody.
Michael Scott:(as Mikanos) Hello.
Hank Tate:Look, you want to order something?
Michael Scott:She will have a greekaccino.
Hank Tate:I don't know what that is.
Michael Scott:It...
Holly Flax:(with accent) It's a very strong coffee with milk from a goat.
Michael Scott:(laughs) I can't believe-ee. It's a miracle. She can talk!
Holly Flax:No more brain damage.
Michael Scott:No more brain damage!
Holly Flax:Ahh!
Holly Flax:I don't know.
Andy Bernard:Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest speaker will provoke you. He will inspire you. He is... Creed Bratton. (applause)
Creed Bratton:Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?
Andy Bernard:(clapping) Okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the rarest of things, an actual free lunch. There are sandwiches in the back. Certainly help yourselves. We'll meet back up in an hour.
Gabe Lewis:I picked out our movie. It's called "Suspiria". It pushes all the boundaries. All your preconceived notions about what horror can be come crashing down.
Erin Hannon:When I win...
Gabe Lewis:Ooh.
Erin Hannon:We're gonna watch "Wall-e", where all the boundaries of color are pushed.
Gabe Lewis:It is hard to explain why Erin is doing so well today. The only thing I can think is Erin is living out some "Slumdog Millionaire" scenario, where every word she's playing has a connection to her orphan past. It's possible.
Dwight Schrute:So what's your crazy business pipe dream?
Guy:Well, I started my own golf supply company.
Dwight Schrute:(unimpressed) Really?
Guy:It's taken off faster than I expected, so I came here to learn about creating manageable growth.
Dwight Schrute:(quietly) Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance:Hmm?
Dwight Schrute:Some of these people are for real.
Dwight Schrute:Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.
Andy Bernard:Thank you.
Dwight Schrute:Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?
Andy Bernard:Really?
Darryl Philbin:Ahem!
Andy Bernard:Excuse me.
Dwight Schrute:I got it. I got it.
Andy Bernard:(turning towards Darryl) Hey, do you need a lozenge?
Darryl Philbin:(whispering) They're a bunch of jackals.
Andy Bernard:What?
Darryl Philbin:They left you in the lurch, and if they want to jump in, it means you're almost there. You did this. Bring it home.
Andy Bernard:(to Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis): Let me tell you what you can do with your offer to help. You can table it and offer it up another time. Just know that I really appreciate the gesture.
Andy Bernard:Hi. Hope you enjoyed your lunch. Welcome back. (to Michael and Holly) Ooh. Well, hello. Welcome to the seminar. Hey, man. What's goin' on?
Dwight Schrute:(whispering) You're gonna blow it.
Andy Bernard:Maybe. Only maybe.
Oscar Martinez:We got it! Wow! We got it!
Pam Beesly:Oscar, wait. I think the victory would be more meaningful if Erin puts the last word in herself.
Oscar Martinez:Yes, Pam. Yes, most definitely. Yes.
Erin Hannon:Yes.
Oscar Martinez:(pulls phone back) Ah. No! (laughing)(hands phone back). Although I must say, I will have "apoplexy" if you lose. Do you understand? "Apoplexy" is what I will have.
Erin Hannon:Apoplexy.
Oscar Martinez:Yes.
Erin Hannon:Got it. (plays word) Oh, Oscar. Oscar?
Erin Hannon:I played "ape."
Jim Halpert:(on phone) I just want to make a point to that last caller. I disagree. I don't think it is the running game at all. I think we do have to make a few moves in this off-season.
Andy Bernard:Wow! What a day, right? Guess you guys are probably ready to go. And you got my business card, so...
Michael Scott:(as Mikanos) Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. You know, I like you. I'm going to give you my secret gyro recipe. Come out here since it's a secret, and I'll tell you. (exits conference room)(normal voice) All, you have to close right now.
Andy Bernard:Yeah, I mean, I'm getting to it.
Michael Scott:No, you're not. You're getting past it. You have to close. You can do it.
Andy Bernard:Yeah, yeah.
Michael Scott:Andy, what's the problem?
Andy Bernard:This is hard for me. I'm a nice guy.
Michael Scott:You, Kelly and Creed, Kevin, they believe in you. Don't let them down. Don't let yourself down, Andy. I'm gonna go back in. I'm going to stall them for a little bit. I want you to get your head together, and then come back in. I want you to close. (entering conference room)(as Mikanos) What is taking that guy so long?
Jim Halpert:Psst. You think this thing's gonna go much longer?
Pam Beesly:I don't know. They're still in there.
Jim Halpert:Ohh! Good-bye.
Pam Beesly:Stop. Out with it.
Pam Beesly:Here's the story. That guy in there is Jim's childhood friend, Tom.
Jim Halpert:Tom Witochkin. One of my best buddies, actually.
Pam Beesly:And when they were both in the third grade, Jim was placed in the top reading group.
Jim Halpert:I was blue group, so it was second from the top.
Pam Beesly:And Tom...
Jim Halpert:Was in the green group.
Pam Beesly:And Jim's mom suggested that Jim spend time hanging with the kids in his reading group, because she though that would be a good influence.
Jim Halpert:And that's what I told him.
Pam Beesly:Right. But how'd you say it?
Jim Halpert:"My mom thinks you're too dumb to hang out with."
Andy Bernard:Okay, who would like to purchase this small business package from me right now? Yes, we got one. Okay, the snowball is rolling. Who else? You can put it off for a couple of days, but I guarantee you, eventually you're gonna realize you need this. So the only thing that's gonna be different is you'll be a couple of days behind where you would be if you bought this from me right now. So who's gonna buy one right now?
Older Woman:I'll take one.
Andy Bernard:Yes! Awesome! All right, anyone else? (younger guy raises hand) Sold! Anybody else? (older guy raises hand) Yes! All right!
Kelly Kapoor:Yeah bitch.
Andy Bernard:Good choice. The rest of you are dead to me. You made the stupidest decision of your life.
Michael Scott:(quietly) No, no, no.
Andy Bernard:But it was a pleasure meeting you, and you've got my information, so feel free to call anytime.
Kelly Kapoor:Whoo!
Tom:Hey, you think it's cool if I grab a soda?
Jim Halpert:Yeah, woah. (deeper voice) Yep, absolutely, go ahead.
Tom:Hey.
Jim Halpert:Hey.
Tom:How's it goin'?
Jim Halpert:Pretty good.
Tom:It's been a while.
Jim Halpert:It has been, yeah.
Tom:So you work here, huh?
Jim Halpert:Sales.
Tom:Must be a front for some kind of famous laboratory. (laughs)
Jim Halpert:(laughs)
Tom:'Cause you're so smart.
Jim Halpert:Oh, man. You remember that, huh?
Tom:Oh, barely. I'm so dumb, you know, stuff goes in, stuff goes out. Not like you probably remember every paper sale you ever made. Paper salesman genius.
Jim Halpert:All right, good catch-up.
Tom:Yeah.
Jim Halpert:See ya.
Tom:Where's your jetpack, Zuckerberg?
Dwight Schrute:Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya.
Andy Bernard:Well, I guess when you looked in me, you forgot about my balls. They're on the outside. Don't how you missed 'em.
Holly Flax:(with accent) Wonderful seminar!
Michael Scott:(as Mikanos) Almost as good as the first day when we first met. You are the love of my life. Come to me, Necropolis. Put your lips on my lips. Come on.
Holly Flax:Michael, I should get back to work.
Michael Scott:What? Come on. It's time for grapes. (regular voice) Real fun day.
Gabe Lewis:So, I won.
Erin Hannon:I know. You get to pick.
Gabe Lewis:Well, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. I know how much you want to watch "Wall-e".
Erin Hannon:Yes?
Gabe Lewis:So I got us a compromise. This movie's called "Hardware". It tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like Wall-e, that the government invented to destroy humans. It's some of what you like and some of what I like, and... married...
Andy Bernard:Hey, I heard you talking about movies before, and, anyway, I just watched this over the weekend. I thought you'd really like it.
Erin Hannon:There's a "Shrek" two?!
Andy Bernard:Oh, yeah. See you tomorrow.
Gabe Lewis:Nice guy.
Erin Hannon:Ohh. (laughs)
In The Office episode 13 season 7, "The Seminar," Andy hosts a small business seminar. He wants to gain new clients. He enlists his coworkers to help. Jim bails, leaving Andy scrambling. Kevin tries to give an opening speech but gets sick. Ryan uses Kelly to impress with a call to a professor. Creed gives a bizarre speech about the Loch Ness Monster.
Meanwhile, Pam plays Scrabble with Gabe. She loses every game. Oscar helps her win so she can pick the movie they watch. Michael roleplays as a Greek character, "Mikanos." He tries to get Holly to join in. She is sad about her breakup. Erin excels at Scrabble, surprising everyone. She may have a "Slumdog Millionaire" connection to the words.
Andy struggles to close sales at the seminar. Dwight, Stanley, and Phyllis initially refuse to help. They change their minds when they see real potential. Darryl motivates Andy to seal the deal. Andy successfully sells to three attendees. He celebrates his win. Tom, an old friend of Jim's, visits. Their past creates awkward tension. Gabe compromises with Pam on a movie. Erin suggests "Shrek 2" to a coworker.
