Every line from The Office episode "The Search", season 7 episode 14.
Kelly Kapoor: Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement.
Kelly Kapoor: Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. (throws ring on the ground)
Meredith Palmer: Sweet! Free Ring!
Ryan Howard: Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides.
Kelly Kapoor: The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.
Pam Beesly: Wait. Can you back up? What's the story?
Kelly Kapoor: We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot.
Ryan Howard: It's not irrelevant. Details
Kelly Kapoor: And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said...
Ryan & Kelly: I don't think I should be married to you anymore.
Andy Bernard: Sorry, when did you get married?
Kelly Kapoor: Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right.
Andy Bernard: And you didn't invite any of us?
Ryan Howard: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly Kapoor: God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake.
Ryan Howard: No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar Martinez: You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're ok with it. We agree it's fine if you got married.
Ryan Howard: No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can!
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan, I changed my mind.
Ryan Howard: Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side?
Kelly Kapoor: And who is on my side? (no one raises their hand)
Jim Halpert: All right. Bye.
Michael Scott: Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?
Michael Scott: You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
Holly Flax: Don't you have a sales call to go on?
Michael Scott: I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?
Holly Flax: We don't know that.
Michael Scott: Sure we do.
Holly Flax: Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?
Michael Scott: Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.
Holly Flax: Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree.
Holly Flax: Well you don't have to agree.
Holly Flax: No you don't.
Holly Flax: No, you can have your own opinion.
Michael Scott: I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.
Jim Halpert: He's going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with.
Pam Beesly: Aw you'll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny "Jim" game.
Jim Halpert: That's it? That's all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today?
Pam Beesly: All right, what'd you do?
Jim Halpert: Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.
Pam Beesly: Where'd you put it?
Jim Halpert: Where'd I put what?
Jim Halpert: Oh, sorry gotta go.
Pam Beesly: Say it. Where?
Jim Halpert: Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer.
Jim Halpert: Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance.
Pam Beesly: The fridge, got it.
Jim Halpert: And the final clue...
Jim Halpert: You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine.
Jim Halpert: Cheer up. We made a sale.
Michael Scott: Just drive faster. I want to get back.
Jim Halpert: Well, I'm going the speed limit. So...
Michael Scott: Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.
Jim Halpert: Someone's in a bad mood.
Michael Scott: No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim?
Jim Halpert: Alright, let me turn on some music.
Michael Scott: I need to pee.
Jim Halpert: No you don't.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I do. My word against yours.
Jim Halpert: Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes.
Michael Scott: What part of "I need to pee" do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.
Jim Halpert: Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I'll pull over.
Michael Scott: Well I hope I make it.
Helene: Hi Jim, it's Helen.
Jim Halpert: Hey Helen. Is everything ok?
Helene: Everything is fine. Baby's fine. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about.
Helene: A tiny thing. I locked her in the car.
Helene: She's smiling. She's happy.
Helene: Jim, I don't have a spare key.
Jim Halpert: Just stay there. I'll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out but I have to go because it's an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please?
Guy: (towards bathroom) Hello? (gives up and drives off)
Jim Halpert: Hey it's me. So uh, don't worry. Everything's ok.
Pam Beesly: What's wrong?
Jim Halpert: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you?
Jim Halpert: Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car.
Pam Beesly: Oh God! What?!
Jim Halpert: No no no it's ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She's laughing and she's happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra.
Pam Beesly: Ok. She's ok?
Jim Halpert: Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet.
Jim Halpert: And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.
Pam Beesly: Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a "Ask Pam Beasley". ... Did the phone cut off?
Pam Beesly: Alright, just call me after the doctor.
Michael Scott: I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted.
Attendant: No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away.
Michael Scott: There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!
Attendant: Just make it quick.
Michael Scott: Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. (opens phone) And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it?
Attendant: You don't know it.
Michael Scott: You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number.
Attendant: He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away.
Holly Flax: It's the gas station on Benet Street?
Erin Hannon: You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go?
Holly Flax: Oh no no no. I'll be fine.
Erin Hannon: It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along.
Dwight Schrute: Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.
Pam Beesly: Cute. (enters office area) Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good.
Oscar Martinez: Which on in particular?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, which one?
Pam Beesly: Well the first one has a surprise factor. "I'm a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!"
Andy Bernard: Boo-yea! (office laughs)
Gabe Lewis: No no. No no no.
Pam Beesly: But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line.
Oscar Martinez: You suppose?
Darryl Philbin: What's it say?
Oscar Martinez: "I'm suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again."
Gabe Lewis: Ok. (office laughs) No no no.
Kevin Malone: Red gloves.
Darryl Philbin: Keep it real.
Pam Beesly: You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.
Darryl Philbin: And I will take you all down.
Darryl Philbin: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.
Andy Bernard: Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton.
Pam Beesly: Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea. Ok, it will just take me ten minutes.
Kevin Malone: I can't wait.
Dwight Schrute: Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial.
Erin Hannon: He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox.
Attendant: Yeah, he just left.
Holly Flax: Which way did he go?
Dwight Schrute: Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.
Holly Flax: Oh really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?
Attendant: She's right. He went that way.
Dwight Schrute: Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. (Dwight and Erin low-five) Let's ride.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Has Michael checked in?
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I asked you a question.
Pam Beesly: No, he hasn't.
Pam Beesly: No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought...
Dwight Schrute: Pam, this isn't a shopping trip.
Dwight Schrute: This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.
Pam Beesly: Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out...
Dwight Schrute: Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up.
Pam Beesly: Ok, well it wasn't obvious so... (phone hangs up)
Dwight Schrute: No word from Michael.
Kevin Malone: Ok, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island.
Oscar Martinez: Ok. I got one.
Gabe Lewis: Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down.
Gabe Lewis: Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed.
Darryl Philbin: Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.
Gabe Lewis: Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for.
Oscar Martinez: Irony is such a critical...
Gabe Lewis: Number two: no pop culture references.
Gabe Lewis: I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.
Darryl Philbin: Wrap it up, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis: Ok final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre.
Gabe Lewis: Go get 'em. Start quipin'.
Oscar Martinez: Pam, I think I'm going to send you an IM.
Darryl Philbin: Send me one too.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, yeah. Put me on that.
Michael Scott: Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog.
Hot Dog Guy: I'm not a pawn shop.
Michael Scott: Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
Michael Scott: With that I can buy... half the menu.
Hot Dog Guy: I can't just go giving away hot dogs.
Michael Scott: All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell?
Hot Dog Guy: Throw 'em away.
Michael Scott: Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?
Michael Scott: Okay. You've just lost my business.
Erin Hannon: Hey, you were in there forever.
Dwight Schrute: There's too many brands. Where's Holly?
Erin Hannon: She wandered off like an idiot.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Holly Flax: Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now.
Cell Phone Sales Person: Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original.
Cell Phone Sales Person: You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
Dwight Schrute: Tootenbacher.
Erin Hannon: Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that...
Dwight & Erin: farts popcorn.
Dwight Schrute: Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?
Holly Flax: Are their egg rolls really that big?
Michael Scott: Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?
Michael Scott: Okay. I'll be right back. (goes to leave but walks back). Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people.
Waiter: So you can't pay for your food?
Michael Scott: Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing.
Waiter: You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much.
Michael Scott: Well the number three is not such a giant feast.
Waiter: (calling to the back) Mr. Chu!
Michael Scott: Okay, all right. You know what?
Waiter: You were trying to steal food from us?
Michael Scott: I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now.
Waiter: You can't. We'll stop you.
Michael Scott: Well, I think I can get through the door.
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian...
Erin Hannon: (point to picture) It's Michael!
Holly Flax: What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying?
Dwight Schrute: Uncanny. Put a pin in that. (to waiter) Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. (pointing) This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know?
Waiter: I think he was heading downtown.
Dwight Schrute: He's heading downtown.
Gabe Lewis: So what, no one's even gonna try?
Gabe Lewis: Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive.
Darryl Philbin: You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. (notification tone) (laughter)
Stanley Hudson: (whispers) Click the "x"
Phyllis Vance: (whispers) I'm clicking!
Stanley Hudson: In the box.
Phyllis Vance: I am clicking.
Stanley Hudson: Woman, you've had a computer for years!
Gabe Lewis: Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don't want to be your babysitter.
Gabe Lewis: "Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat." (laughter)
Gabe Lewis: No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.
Andy Bernard: Do the next one.
Gabe Lewis: "Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.'
Darryl Philbin: Dreaming he's a dog on a island.
Gabe Lewis: Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?
Phyllis Vance: Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?
Gabe Lewis: Umm... "You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here." Ha.
Oscar Martinez: That's tasteless, Gabe.
Oscar Martinez: Tasteless.
Gabe Lewis: More tasteless than this..."is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it." (laughter)
Pam Beesly: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.
Kevin Malone: Yes, well done!
Oscar Martinez: Who's is it? Who wrote that?
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, who wrote it?
Erin Hannon: Where did he go, Holly?
Holly Flax: I have no idea.
Dwight Schrute: Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, "this way, this way"?
Holly Flax: I don't know.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you!
Holly Flax: Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all.
Dwight Schrute: All right then. Someone propose a plan.
Erin Hannon: Okay. We fan out...
Dwight Schrute: Not you, Erin.
Holly Flax: Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let's just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below.
Dwight Schrute: That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.
Holly Flax: Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him.
Erin Hannon: Good. We don't need her.
Dwight Schrute: Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling.
Holly Flax: (walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael) Michael?
Michael Scott: Hi. (laughs) How did you know I was up here?
Holly Flax: What are you doing up here?
Michael Scott: I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.
Holly Flax: Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Yeah. (laughs) Wow. I just miss you so much.
Holly Flax: I missed you too.
Michael Scott: Can I kiss you?
Phyllis Vance: Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading.
Meredith Palmer: Maybe it wasn't.
Gabe Lewis: "Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe."
Andy Bernard: Oh! (laughter)
Phyllis Vance: No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going.
Gabe Lewis: "I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull(bleep). (laughter) "Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo."
Gabe Lewis: "Gabe's mom... hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her."
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, there you go. (laughter)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 14 season 7. The Search is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.