Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Search

Vol. 7 · Issue 14Scranton, PA

Michael finds himself stranded at a gas station with no money and no phone, forcing Holly and Dwight to track him down through the streets of Scranton. You can read through every line from the episode here, including the brutal caption contest that leaves Gabe feeling a little picked on. It's the ultimate breakdown of how Holly manages to think exactly like Michael.

Scene 01

25 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement.
Erin Hannon
Oh my gosh!
Phyllis Vance
Wow.
Kelly Kapoor
Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. (throws ring on the ground)
Meredith Palmer
Sweet! Free Ring!
Andy Bernard
Divorced?
Ryan Howard
Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides.
Kelly Kapoor
The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.
Pam Beesly
Wait. Can you back up? What's the story?
Kelly Kapoor
We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot.
Ryan Howard
It's not irrelevant. Details
Kelly Kapoor
And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said...
Ryan & Kelly
I don't think I should be married to you anymore.
Kevin Malone
What?
Andy Bernard
Sorry, when did you get married?
Kelly Kapoor
Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right.
Andy Bernard
And you didn't invite any of us?
Ryan Howard
We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly Kapoor
God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake.
Ryan Howard
No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar Martinez
You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're ok with it. We agree it's fine if you got married.
Ryan Howard
No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can!
Kelly Kapoor
Ryan, I changed my mind.
Ryan Howard
Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side?
Kelly Kapoor
And who is on my side? (no one raises their hand)

Scene 02

38 lines
Jim Halpert
All right. Bye.
Pam Beesly
Bye.
Jim Halpert
Let's Go!
Michael Scott
Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?
Holly Flax
For what?
Michael Scott
You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
Holly Flax
Don't you have a sales call to go on?
Michael Scott
I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?
Holly Flax
We don't know that.
Michael Scott
Sure we do.
Holly Flax
Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?
Michael Scott
Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.
Holly Flax
Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree.
Holly Flax
Well you don't have to agree.
Michael Scott
Yes I do.
Holly Flax
No you don't.
Michael Scott
Yes I do.
Holly Flax
No, you can have your own opinion.
Michael Scott
I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.
Jim Halpert
He's going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with.
Pam Beesly
Aw you'll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny "Jim" game.
Jim Halpert
That's it? That's all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today?
Pam Beesly
All right, what'd you do?
Jim Halpert
Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.
Pam Beesly
Where'd you put it?
Jim Halpert
Where'd I put what?
Michael Scott
Let's go.
Jim Halpert
Oh, sorry gotta go.
Pam Beesly
Say it. Where?
Jim Halpert
Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer.
Pam Beesly
The fridge.
Jim Halpert
Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance.
Pam Beesly
The fridge, got it.
Jim Halpert
And the final clue...
Michael Scott
Let's go!
Jim Halpert
You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine.
Pam Beesly
Bye.

Scene 03

1 line
Erin Hannon
Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.

Scene 04

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Cheer up. We made a sale.
Michael Scott
Just drive faster. I want to get back.
Jim Halpert
Well, I'm going the speed limit. So...
Michael Scott
Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.
Jim Halpert
Someone's in a bad mood.
Michael Scott
No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim?
Jim Halpert
Alright, let me turn on some music.
Michael Scott
I need to pee.
Jim Halpert
No you don't.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I do. My word against yours.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes.
Michael Scott
What part of "I need to pee" do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.
Jim Halpert
Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I'll pull over.
Michael Scott
Well I hope I make it.

Scene 05

12 lines
Jim Halpert
Hello?
Helene
Hi Jim, it's Helen.
Jim Halpert
Hey Helen. Is everything ok?
Helene
Everything is fine. Baby's fine. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about.
Jim Halpert
Ok...
Helene
A tiny thing. I locked her in the car.
Jim Halpert
What?
Helene
She's smiling. She's happy.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God.
Helene
Jim, I don't have a spare key.
Jim Halpert
Just stay there. I'll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out but I have to go because it's an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please?
Guy
(towards bathroom) Hello? (gives up and drives off)

Scene 06

17 lines
Pam Beesly
This is Pam.
Jim Halpert
Hey it's me. So uh, don't worry. Everything's ok.
Pam Beesly
What's wrong?
Jim Halpert
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you?
Pam Beesly
Jim, what?
Jim Halpert
Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car.
Pam Beesly
Oh God! What?!
Jim Halpert
No no no it's ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She's laughing and she's happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra.
Pam Beesly
Ok. She's ok?
Jim Halpert
Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet.
Pam Beesly
Understood.
Jim Halpert
And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.
Pam Beesly
Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a "Ask Pam Beasley". ... Did the phone cut off?
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Pam Beesly
Alright, just call me after the doctor.
Jim Halpert
Ok. Bye.
Pam Beesly
Bye.

Scene 07

8 lines
Michael Scott
I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted.
Attendant
No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away.
Michael Scott
There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!
Attendant
Just make it quick.
Michael Scott
Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. (opens phone) And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it?
Attendant
You don't know it.
Michael Scott
You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number.
Attendant
He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. (to cameras) Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Ok.

Scene 09

7 lines
Holly Flax
It's the gas station on Benet Street?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Holly Flax
Ok.
Erin Hannon
You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go?
Holly Flax
Oh no no no. I'll be fine.
Erin Hannon
It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along.
Dwight Schrute
Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.

Scene 10

21 lines
Pam Beesly
Cute. (enters office area) Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good.
Oscar Martinez
Which on in particular?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, which one?
Pam Beesly
Well the first one has a surprise factor. "I'm a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!"
Andy Bernard
Boo-yea! (office laughs)
Gabe Lewis
No no. No no no.
Pam Beesly
But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line.
Oscar Martinez
You suppose?
Darryl Philbin
What's it say?
Oscar Martinez
"I'm suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again."
Gabe Lewis
Ok. (office laughs) No no no.
Kevin Malone
Red gloves.
Darryl Philbin
Keep it real.
Pam Beesly
You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.
Darryl Philbin
And I will take you all down.
Andy Bernard
You?
Darryl Philbin
I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: me.
Andy Bernard
Oh it is on like Genghis Khan wearing Sean Jean in Buton.
Pam Beesly
Yes. You guys, I have the perfect idea. Ok, it will just take me ten minutes.
Andy Bernard
Woo-hoo.
Kevin Malone
I can't wait.

Scene 11

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial.
Erin Hannon
He answers to Michal. Michal G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox.
Attendant
Yeah, he just left.
Holly Flax
Which way did he go?
Dwight Schrute
Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.
Holly Flax
Oh really? You don't think he walked by the bakery just for the smell of it?
Attendant
She's right. He went that way.
Dwight Schrute
Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. (Dwight and Erin low-five) Let's ride.

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
(at puppies) Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. (at parrots) Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. (at snake) You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yekkk. (holding puppy) Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? (licks his nose) I'm being serious. Seriously.

Scene 13

15 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Dwight Schrute
Has Michael checked in?
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I asked you a question.
Pam Beesly
No, he hasn't.
Dwight Schrute
Goodbye.
Pam Beesly
No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought...
Dwight Schrute
Pam, this isn't a shopping trip.
Erin Hannon
No.
Dwight Schrute
This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.
Pam Beesly
Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out...
Dwight Schrute
Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up.
Pam Beesly
Ok, well it wasn't obvious so... (phone hangs up)
Dwight Schrute
No word from Michael.
Holly Flax
Oh.

Scene 14

18 lines
Pam Beesly
Ta-da!
Kevin Malone
Ok, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island.
Oscar Martinez
Ok. I got one.
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Oscar Martinez
Yes!
Gabe Lewis
Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down.
Office
Boo!
Meredith Palmer
Why?
Gabe Lewis
Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed.
Darryl Philbin
Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.
Gabe Lewis
Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for.
Oscar Martinez
Irony is such a critical...
Gabe Lewis
Number two: no pop culture references.
Pam Beesly
Seriously?
Oscar Martinez
Wow.
Gabe Lewis
I think we can all agree that they tend to alienate those who don't get the reference, making them feel like the other.
Darryl Philbin
Wrap it up, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis
Ok final thing, and this is a fun one: Instead of writing the caption directly under the picture, let's all try using Sticky Quips. All right? New, from Dunder Mifflin Sabre.

Scene 15

1 line
Gabe Lewis
Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. (laughs) Not every day.

Scene 16

7 lines
Gabe Lewis
Go get 'em. Start quipin'.
Oscar Martinez
Pam, I think I'm going to send you an IM.
Pam Beesly
Oh! Ok.
Darryl Philbin
Send me one too.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, yeah. Put me on that.
Phyllis Vance
C.C
Kevin Malone
Ditto.

Scene 17

11 lines
Michael Scott
Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog.
Hot Dog Guy
I'm not a pawn shop.
Michael Scott
Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
Hot Dog Guy
Wow.
Michael Scott
With that I can buy... half the menu.
Hot Dog Guy
I can't just go giving away hot dogs.
Michael Scott
All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell?
Hot Dog Guy
Throw 'em away.
Michael Scott
Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?
Hot Dog Guy
No.
Michael Scott
Okay. You've just lost my business.

Scene 18

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey.
Erin Hannon
Hey, you were in there forever.
Dwight Schrute
There's too many brands. Where's Holly?
Erin Hannon
She wandered off like an idiot.
Dwight Schrute
Hey!
Holly Flax
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing?
Holly Flax
Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now.
Cell Phone Sales Person
Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original.
Holly Flax
What?
Cell Phone Sales Person
You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
Dwight Schrute
Tootenbacher.
Erin Hannon
Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that...
Dwight & Erin
farts popcorn.
Dwight Schrute
Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?
Holly Flax
Are their egg rolls really that big?

Scene 19

13 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?
Waiter
No problem.
Michael Scott
Okay. I'll be right back. (goes to leave but walks back). Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people.
Waiter
So you can't pay for your food?
Michael Scott
Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing.
Waiter
You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much.
Michael Scott
Well the number three is not such a giant feast.
Waiter
(calling to the back) Mr. Chu!
Michael Scott
Okay, all right. You know what?
Waiter
You were trying to steal food from us?
Michael Scott
I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now.
Waiter
You can't. We'll stop you.
Michael Scott
Well, I think I can get through the door.

Scene 20

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian...
Erin Hannon
(point to picture) It's Michael!
Waiter
He just left.
Erin Hannon
You knew.
Holly Flax
What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying?
Dwight Schrute
Uncanny. Put a pin in that. (to waiter) Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. (pointing) This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know?
Waiter
I think he was heading downtown.
Dwight Schrute
He's heading downtown.

Scene 21

13 lines
Gabe Lewis
So what, no one's even gonna try?
Pam Beesly
Guess not.
Gabe Lewis
Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive.
Darryl Philbin
You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. (notification tone) (laughter)
Gabe Lewis
Hey...
Stanley Hudson
(whispers) Click the "x"
Phyllis Vance
(whispers) I'm clicking!
Stanley Hudson
In the box.
Phyllis Vance
I am clicking.
Stanley Hudson
Woman, you've had a computer for years!
Andy Bernard
Phyllis!
Gabe Lewis
Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don't want to be your babysitter.
Andy Bernard
Oooohhh.

Scene 22

18 lines
Gabe Lewis
"Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat." (laughter)
Kevin Malone
Nice!
Gabe Lewis
No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs.
Andy Bernard
Do the next one.
Gabe Lewis
"Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.'
Darryl Philbin
Dreaming he's a dog on a island.
Gabe Lewis
Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?
Phyllis Vance
Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it?
Gabe Lewis
Umm... "You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here." Ha.
Oscar Martinez
That's tasteless, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis
Tasteless?
Oscar Martinez
Tasteless.
Gabe Lewis
More tasteless than this..."is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it." (laughter)
Pam Beesly
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.
Phyllis Vance
Yes.
Kevin Malone
Yes, well done!
Oscar Martinez
Who's is it? Who wrote that?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, who wrote it?

Scene 23

1 line
Angela Martin
Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.

Scene 24

14 lines
Erin Hannon
Where did he go, Holly?
Holly Flax
I have no idea.
Dwight Schrute
Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, "this way, this way"?
Holly Flax
I don't know.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you!
Holly Flax
Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all.
Dwight Schrute
All right then. Someone propose a plan.
Erin Hannon
Okay. We fan out...
Dwight Schrute
Not you, Erin.
Holly Flax
Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let's just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below.
Dwight Schrute
That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.
Holly Flax
Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him.
Erin Hannon
Good. We don't need her.
Dwight Schrute
Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling.

Scene 25

12 lines
Holly Flax
(walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael) Michael?
Michael Scott
Hi. (laughs) How did you know I was up here?
Holly Flax
What are you doing up here?
Michael Scott
I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.
Holly Flax
Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott
Yeah. (laughs) Wow. I just miss you so much.
Holly Flax
I missed you too.
Michael Scott
Really?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Can I kiss you?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 26

10 lines
Phyllis Vance
Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading.
Gabe Lewis
Uh, it was.
Meredith Palmer
Maybe it wasn't.
Gabe Lewis
"Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe."
Andy Bernard
Oh! (laughter)
Phyllis Vance
No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going.
Gabe Lewis
"I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull(bleep). (laughter) "Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo."
Andy Bernard
(laughs)
Gabe Lewis
"Gabe's mom... hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her."
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, there you go. (laughter)