Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

PDA

Vol. 7 · Issue 15Scranton, PA

Here's every line from the episode where Michael and Holly’s "booby honking" makes the whole office uncomfortable. You can follow the full script through Jim and Pam’s bottomless champagne lunch and Gabe's awkward scavenger hunt for Erin. It’s the ultimate collection of Valentine's Day chaos and best quotes.

Scene 01

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey. How you doing?
Darryl Philbin
Thinking about my grandmother a lot.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Darryl Philbin
She was about to turn 97.
Pam Beesly
At least she lived a very long and I'm sure, a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.
Darryl Philbin
Thank you. "Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted." "Have fun today, big guy." "Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop."
Pam Beesly
It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday.
Darryl Philbin
"Hooray. Live it up big D. " "Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this"?
Andy Bernard
Birthday punches! (softly punching Darryl in the stomach) One two three four five sice seven eight!
Pam Beesly
I'm so sorry.
Darryl Philbin
(tears welling up in his eyes)
Andy Bernard
...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...

Scene 02

11 lines
Andy Bernard
...So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and I'm taking Rachel. She's picking me up after work.
Darryl Philbin
Rachel from the party?
Andy Bernard
Oh, yeah!
Darryl Philbin
Nice. Do the damn thing. - Pow! (they fist bump and explode)
Phyllis Vance
Blue Wasabi is so good, but get the cheeseburger. They say they won't do it, but they will if you make a scene.
Holly Flax
Okay, bye. Okay, bye. (kisses Michael) I'll miss you.
Michael Scott
Miss you. Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me.
Holly Flax
Bye.
Michael Scott
Okay, bye. Bye. All right, bye. Bye... bye.
Holly Flax
Okay, one more quick one.
Michael Scott
Don't go. I don't want you to go. Oh don't go. Don't go.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Holly and I are dating. It's been a week, and I still can't believe it. (sighs) It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can't work for it. It just comes to you.

Scene 04

3 lines
Gabe Lewis
And what do we have here?
Erin Hannon
From my secret admirer. That's you!
Gabe Lewis
Come on.

Scene 05

1 line
Gabe Lewis
I dominate Valentine's Day. I practically make romance into a science.

Scene 06

7 lines
Erin Hannon
"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue." Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic scavenger hunt!
Gabe Lewis
Oh, close. It's a romantic treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse. Good luck.
Erin Hannon
But, there's no clue.
Gabe Lewis
Well, get to work.
Erin Hannon
I can't, 'cause there's no clue.
Gabe Lewis
The puzzle is the clue.
Erin Hannon
Oh.

Scene 07

7 lines
Oscar Martinez
(clears throat)
Michael Scott
(rubbing hands with Holly) Are these numbers correct?
Oscar Martinez
The numbers are correct, Michael.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Oscar Martinez
(clears throat more loudly)
Michael Scott
Are you... are you sick, Oscar? Do you need to go home? 'Cause you're grossing me out.
Oscar Martinez
I jus... I just need a signature.

Scene 08

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(getting out of a taxi) There you go. Thanks.
Pam Beesly
How much did you give him?
Jim Halpert
Big tip.
Pam Beesly
Wait. I don't have my scarf.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
I'm missing my scarf. Oh. (both laugh)

Scene 09

7 lines
Jim Halpert
We decided to have a Valentine's day lunch and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece and avoid the Valentine's day dinner thing. It's a whole thing.
Pam Beesly
(loudly) Yeah, lunch was wonderful!
Jim Halpert
Shh.
Pam Beesly
Um, there was an amazing buffet and there was a chocolate fondue... station. And what else was there?
Jim Halpert
Um, bottomless champagne.
Pam Beesly
Yes. Never found that bottom, did we?
Jim Halpert
No.

Scene 10

13 lines
Erin Hannon
Psst! Psst!
Andy Bernard
What's up?
Erin Hannon
Are you good at jigsaw puzzles?
Andy Bernard
Are you kidding me? It's all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing.
Erin Hannon
Okay.
Andy Bernard
But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe, I should probably...
Erin Hannon
Oh! No, no, no, no. It's not weird at all. You have your new girlfriend. I have Gabe. This is just as friends.
Andy Bernard
Well, okay then.
Erin Hannon
Yes!
Andy Bernard
At least until Stanley calms down.
Erin Hannon
Oh, is he...
Andy Bernard
D...d...d...d...don't look. I accidentally did his Sudoku. (Stanley glares at Andy)
Erin Hannon
Andy.

Scene 11

5 lines
Jim Halpert
(on phone) All right, I will fax over it to you. Whoop. I will fax it over to you. Okay. Thank you. (chuckles)
Dwight Schrute
Okay, my name is j...j...j...j...j...j...j...j Jim Halpert and I will fax it in to you... under you. I'll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just p...p...p...p pissed my pants. Not really. I didn't really. (clears throat)
Jim Halpert
(goes to hand Dwight a valentines card) Wait.
Dwight Schrute
You're just filling that out right now. That wasn't meant for me. I will not be your Valentine.
Jim Halpert
Aww, nuts. (laughs)

Scene 12

17 lines
Angela Martin
I don't know if anyone else feels this way and don't get me wrong, I love Michael and Holly, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but... the PDA.
Oscar Martinez
Yes! The freaking PDA!
Angela Martin
Uh-huh.
Oscar Martinez
Thank you! I mean, I'm thrilled for them.
Angela Martin
No one is more thrilled for them than I am...
Oscar Martinez
Yes, yes, absolutely.
Angela Martin
...but it's totally inappropriate.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, it's a little much.
Phyllis Vance
Mm-hmm.
Darryl Philbin
Obviously, so happy for them both.
Oscar Martinez
So happy. Yeah.
Kevin Malone
I don't know, guys. I, for one, enjoy watching them, because...
Angela Martin
No, stop! Just don't.
Oscar Martinez
Kevin!
Kevin Malone
Can I finish? Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying...I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny.
Everyone
(groans)
Angela Martin
God! Kevin!

Scene 13

11 lines
Erin Hannon
So tell me about your new girlfriend.
Andy Bernard
She's neat. Uh, I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.
Erin Hannon
Aww, cute.
Andy Bernard
Hey, look at that. Done.
Erin Hannon
That's Gabe's boom box. Come on. We have to go find it.
Andy Bernard
I wish you well on your quest.
Erin Hannon
No, come on.
Andy Bernard
Aww, I mean...
Erin Hannon
(growling) Come on!
Andy Bernard
Okay.
Erin Hannon
Ha!

Scene 14

5 lines
Gabe Lewis
(to Toby) I hear them kissing all the time. It's this horrible plipping sound. You know, it's like Chinese water torture. Just...(makes popping sound) like it's coming from my own head.
Michael Scott
Sit. Okay, just close your eyes. (massaging Holly's back)
Holly Flax
Ohh. Can you get lower?
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah.
Holly Flax
A little lower.

Scene 15

1 line
Holly Flax
I cannot keep myself from Michael. Everything he does is sexy. He has this undeniable animal magnetism. He's a jungle cat. The man exudes sex. He can put both his legs behind his head.

Scene 16

28 lines
Gabe Lewis
Thank you all for meeting on such sort notice.
Michael Scott
(clears throat)
Gabe Lewis
Yes?
Michael Scott
(sitting in Holly's lap) Yes. Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. What is the purpose of this meeting?
Gabe Lewis
Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, I felt it would be apropos to have a little refresher course on romance in the workplace.
Michael Scott
Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on.
Gabe Lewis
First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something you'd expect to hear from corporate. Well, guess what. Sabre is 100% tolerant of office romances.
Ryan Howard
Speaking of, Gabe, I don't see Erin at this meeting.
Meredith Palmer
Uh, I also don't see Andy.
Kevin Malone
Oooh.
Jim Halpert
OOH! Boom! Face!
Gabe Lewis
I get it. Andy's slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of, however, is public displays of affection, or PDAs. PDAs are totally superfluous to a happy, healthy office romance. Perfect example. Look at Jim and Pam.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. What? Us?
Gabe Lewis
They don't touch. They don't kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife.
Jim Halpert
Did it!
Pam Beesly
Yeah!
Jim Halpert
Love it. Keep it goin.
Gabe Lewis
Okay. So, PDAs. That's gonna include behaviors such as hugging, kissing, uh...
Kevin Malone
Booby honking.
Gabe Lewis
Yeah, booby honking. Sure.
Kevin Malone
Butt honking.
Gabe Lewis
Butt honking. Yeah, all the honking.
Creed Bratton
The one where you start in a crouches position, then you leap...
Gabe Lewis
Sure. Basically, there's no precise definition, but you know it when you see it. Ahem.
Oscar Martinez
Are you guys listening to this?
Michael Scott
What, are you talking about me and Holly?
Pam Beesly
Yeah!
Gabe Lewis
Maybe you find your own chair.

Scene 17

29 lines
Holly Flax
So we kiss occasionally.
Oscar Martinez
Not occasionally. All the time.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, and it's not just the kissing. It's the flirtatious whispering.
Stanley Hudson
The flirtatious tickling.
Michael Scott
Whispering and tickling have their place in business.
Darryl Philbin
That thing were you softly exhale on her neck.
Michael Scott
I... Okay, yeah, that's pretty hot. I will give you that. Look, you are all hypocrites. You all do it.
Dwight Schrute
Michael. Confession: I have done PDA in the office.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
I've had intercourse in the office.
Michael Scott
All right.
Dwight Schrute
As has Angela!
Angela Martin
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed. (Creed smiles and nods) As has Michael and as has Holly.
Kevin Malone
As has Kevin!
Angela Martin
With who?
Kevin Malone
She goes to another school.
Michael Scott
Okay. Fine. No more PDA.
Oscar Martinez
Good.
Michael Scott
You win. But here's what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone.
Angela Martin
No.
Michael Scott
Anything goes.
Oscar Martinez
Just leave it how you said...
Dwight Schrute
Michael, that's absurd. What if two couples want to go at the same time?
Michael Scott
Okay, then we have two closets. No, no, we're gonna have three closets, one for each base, no homers. Yes?
Dwight Schrute
And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation?
Michael Scott
Pro.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Michael Scott
What? Problem solved.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises.

Scene 19

4 lines
Pam Beesly
That's weird. I mean, that's weird to have sex in the office. That's where you work, right?
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly
You know, you're in a meeting, and nobody knows that you've had sex there, except for you and him.
Jim Halpert
(snorts) Ew.

Scene 20

25 lines
Erin Hannon
Don't mind us. You keep working.
Darryl Philbin
Okay. I'll keep working.
Erin Hannon
Oh, my God. It's a song.
Andy Bernard
Whoa.
Erin Hannon
What do you think is on it?
Andy Bernard
(softy) We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad.
Erin Hannon
(softly) Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us.
Andy Bernard
I think he can hear us.
Andy Bernard
(softly) That makes sense, 'cause I feel like I'd be able to hear us at this level.
Erin Hannon
Darryl.
Andy Bernard
Darryl is a jerk.
Erin Hannon
No, he's not.
Andy Bernard
No, I'm just testing if he can hear.
Darryl Philbin
I can hear you.
Andy Bernard
Oh. Okay.
Erin Hannon
Okay. Then no more talking. Let's just play the song.
Boom Box
(Gabe singing) The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night.
Andy Bernard
The temp at night?
Erin Hannon
What do you...
Darryl Philbin
You got it. Pick it up. Take it out.
Andy Bernard
Pi...
Darryl Philbin
Pick it up.
Andy Bernard
Okay.
Darryl Philbin
Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Take it out.
Andy Bernard
Right. Okay.

Scene 21

7 lines
Holly Flax
Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to collect my things.
Michael Scott
Ah, the old "leave behind." Oldest trick in the book. Good thing it's working.
Holly Flax
Oh, no. Michael, I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Michael Scott
Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean, I don't... I don't sit on your lap because it's comfortable. I sit on your lap because I like the way your thighs feel on my butt.
Holly Flax
Yeah, but if they're uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.
Michael Scott
Oh. Okay. Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, then we'll stop.
Holly Flax
Okay.

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Scene 23

8 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, you know why people here are complaining? They are jealous of two people in love on Valentine's Day.
Holly Flax
Two people in love?
Michael Scott
I love you.
Holly Flax
Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you love me? We've only been dating for a week. Do you mean you love me like, "oh, hey, there's Holly. I love that girl." Or you do you mean you love me like you love me-love me?
Michael Scott
I love you-love you.
Holly Flax
Wow, you love me-love me. I love you-love you. (both laugh)
Michael Scott
I am really disappointed in the office's policy on PDA at this moment. I love you. (shakes Holly's hand)
Holly Flax
I love you.

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me.

Scene 25

10 lines
Andy Bernard
Okay, Ryan's the temp. What does he do at night?
Erin Hannon
I guess we just have to wait until night and see.
Andy Bernard
Oh, or maybe not. (turns out the lights)
Erin Hannon
(gasps) Oh. Cool.
Andy Bernard
How romantic is this?
Erin Hannon
Super romantic.
Andy Bernard
Right. Do you see a clue or...
Erin Hannon
Yeah. Did you not see it? ("Eat at Hanks" is written in glow-in-the-dark letters above the door)
Andy Bernard
Oh, my gosh.
Erin Hannon
Hanks.

Scene 26

16 lines
Jim & Pam
Hey!
Andy & Erin
(bursting out of Ryan's closet) Hey.
Andy Bernard
No time to chat.
Erin Hannon
Sorry.
Jim Halpert
Well, we were just looking for Ryan, so he's not here.
Ryan Howard
Hey. You're looking for me?
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, we were. We were just looking to say hi. So hey.
Ryan Howard
No you weren't.
Pam Beesly
No, we weren't.
Ryan Howard
You wanted to have sex in my office.
Pam Beesly
No.
Jim Halpert
Definitely not. That's disgusting.
Ryan Howard
No. It's... it's cool. Just try to put everything back were you found it. Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here.
Jim Halpert
Hey, you don't have to...
Pam Beesly
That was so embarrassing. I'm gonna die.
Jim Halpert
That was really rough.

Scene 27

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office.
Jim Halpert
No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place.
Pam Beesly
Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed.
Jim Halpert
And a shower.

Scene 28

18 lines
Michael Scott
Hello, Holly.
Holly Flax
Hello.
Michael Scott
Here, shake. No!
Holly Flax
No, don't touch.
Michael Scott
No, we can't.
Holly Flax
No touching.
Michael Scott
No touching. Ah, I'm trying not to touch you.
Holly Flax
Oh.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Holly Flax
Almost got you.
Michael Scott
Oh, no, so close. Oh. No, we can't do that. We can't do this. Ohh.
Holly Flax
You're not touching me.
Michael Scott
I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it.
Oscar Martinez
Okay, this is much worse than before.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, I agree. This is nasty.
Michael Scott
Grab you here.
Holly Flax
And here.
Michael Scott
I will grab you here anyway. (laughs)

Scene 29

10 lines
Gabe Lewis
You have to cut it out.
Holly Flax
Okay.
Michael Scott
Never.
Holly Flax
You said you would.
Michael Scott
I did say I would, but I was wrong. I can't stop. You don't what it is like to love a woman and have her love you back. It is a feeling that cannot and will not, and frankly, cannot be contained.
Gabe Lewis
No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two, it's reaching the level of a complex. I can think of three explanations. One: You're taking MDMA. Street name, ecstasy. I've done it, and I know the feeling.
Holly Flax
No, I don't think so.
Gabe Lewis
Number two: You're desperately trying to fit in a whole relationship before Toby comes back from jury duty and Holly has to go back to Nashua. Or three: You're at an age where your sexual climaxes aren't as powerful so you need to overcompensate with foreplay, taboo behavior.
Michael Scott
Yes, it was that. It's that one.
Holly Flax
Yes. Number three.

Scene 30

10 lines
Holly Flax
Give me all your money and take off your clothes.
Michael Scott
We're not supposed to PDA.
Holly Flax
Come one. Nobody's looking. What's wrong?
Michael Scott
I haven't thought about you having to go back to Nashua.
Holly Flax
Maybe we didn't want to think about it. We can make it work. We'll date long-distance.
Michael Scott
That's what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. How's this gonna be any different?
Holly Flax
We weren't in love last time.
Michael Scott
I was in love with you.
Holly Flax
I'm not saying it won't be hard. But we can make it work. That's what she said.
Michael Scott
(chuckles, sighs)

Scene 31

5 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh. One Erin Special, please.
Hank Tate
Here's your bottle of sparkling cider.
Andy Bernard
Hey.
Erin Hannon
(laughs) That's my favorite.
Hank Tate
I'm now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mind-hunt break and look for a heart or some (bleep) in the break room when you're through.

Scene 32

30 lines
Kevin Malone
(through the window at Michael) Hey, buck up, buddy!
Darryl Philbin
Make that face he likes.
Dwight Schrute
Hey. Hey. Come on. You're hurting him.
Michael Scott
It's like a time bomb...
Dwight Schrute
Shh.
Michael Scott
...is ticking down. When it goes off, no more kissing. No more hugging.
Dwight Schrute
Just hush.
Michael Scott
Sexual time bomb.
Dwight Schrute
Just rock. Shh.
Michael Scott
(into recorder) Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera.
Dwight Schrute
Movie idea?
Michael Scott
No. (into recorder) Saving the world has never been this hard.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap.
Michael Scott
No, I can't talk to her. I can't even look at her without thinking about it ending.
Dwight Schrute
Kevin! Do more stupid faces.
Kevin Malone
Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces.
Dwight Schrute
I don't know.
Michael Scott
Do the monkey face.
Dwight Schrute
Do the monkey face!
Michael Scott
I love that. I love that face.
Dwight Schrute
Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down.
Michael Scott
No. The monkey!
Dwight Schrute
Go back to the monkey!
Michael Scott
Don't do the squirrel. Throw your poop.
Dwight Schrute
Hurl your feces.
Michael Scott
That's good.
Dwight Schrute
Good.
Michael Scott
That's good. He's throwing it.
Dwight Schrute
They really do that.
Michael Scott
I know.

Scene 33

8 lines
Erin Hannon
(at vending machine) B-9.
Andy Bernard
B-9.
Erin Hannon
Like a benign tumor.
Andy Bernard
Maybe it's just more like, "be mine."
Erin Hannon
Oh, yes. There's a note. "A little cookie for you, my miss. But the real treasure is your Valentine's kiss."
Andy Bernard
Mm.
Erin Hannon
Mm. Oh. We're suppose to...mmm (leans in to kiss Andy)
Andy Bernard
Hmm. (points to Gabe blowing a kiss to Erin)

Scene 34

11 lines
Michael Scott
Holly. Hey.
Holly Flax
Hi.
Michael Scott
Holly, I love you so, so, so much. And I think we need to break up.
Holly Flax
What? What are you talking about?
Michael Scott
Actually, it's Valentine's Day. Shouldn't be doing this today. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Holly Flax
No, we're gonna talk now. You're not breaking up with me.
Michael Scott
You're gonna go back to Nashua eventually, and I can't handle it. So let's just...let's...
Holly Flax
What if I said it wasn't up to them?
Michael Scott
Who?
Holly Flax
The company. Nobody knows our future, but it's not gonna be decided by the company. It's not gonna be decided by anybody but us. What we are is up to you and me.
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay.

Scene 35

9 lines
Michael Scott
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. As of today, officially, Holly and I are moving into together. Yay! (claps) Thank you. Thank you. Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend!
Oscar Martinez
Are you kidding? I wasn't trying to break you guys up.
Kevin Malone
Better luck next time, pal.
Michael Scott
Well, the point is, there will no longer be any need for PDA here at the office between us because, when we get home, we are going to make love to and with one another, and that, to me, is the best Valentine's Day present that a person could receive. So I bid you all adieu.
Holly Flax
You do?
Michael Scott
I do.
Oscar Martinez
Go on. Kiss each other already. (they kiss)
Kevin Malone
Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you.
Oscar Martinez
I just told them to do it!

Scene 36

4 lines
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
No.
Jim Halpert
No. We took a walk.
Pam Beesly
We took a walk.

Scene 37

1 line
Dwight Schrute
My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

Scene 38

1 line
Ryan Howard
Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.

Scene 39

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
Flowers, diamonds, three-course meal, violinist comes to my table to serenade me...

Scene 40

1 line
Kevin Malone
Pizza, soda, the moon, someone to share it with.

Scene 41

2 lines
Michael Scott
What are our plans for tonight? Umm...
Holly Flax
(imitates a squeaky bed) (laughter)