Every line from The Office episode "Threat Level Midnight", season 7 episode 16.
Delivery Guy: I got a delivery for ya'.
Michael Scott: Leave it at reception.
Delivery: I'm supposed to deliver this one in person. (pulls out a gun and starts shooting at Michael, who dodges dramatically)
Michael Scott: (pulls out two handguns and kills the man with an unnecessarily large amount of bullets) Clean up on aisle five. (Threat Level: Midnight titlescreen appears)
Michael Scott: Erin... what are you doing?
Erin Hannon: Guys! Guys. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it.
Michael Scott: That's... That's. Well, don't put words in my mouth.
Jim Halpert: Threat Level: Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott.
Pam Beesly: We're all in it, from like years and years ago. It's like a home movie.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie!
Pam Beesly: Michael screened a work in progress for us, years ago, and it didn't go well. We thought it was a comedy. (flashback clip of Michael angrily leaving the conference room while the whole office is laughing at the tv) Everything pointed to it being a comedy.
Pam Beesly: We'd love to see it!
Michael Scott: Sweet, I will go invite Holly.
Pam Beesly: Okay everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive, so let's stay positive! And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy and we'll have a pure fun day! Okay?
Creed Bratton: Thanks mom.
Holly Flax: You never told me you made a movie.
Michael Scott: Mhmm! It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom.
Holly Flax: It's got you.
Michael Scott: It's got a lot of me.
Holly Flax: (laughs) I can't wait.
Narrator: (Stanley's voice as the screen shows Scarn Manor) Michael Scarn, well that's an interesting story. (headlines of Michael Scarn's success are shown as well as an article reporting the death of Michael's wife, Catherine Zeta Scarn) He was once the best secret agent in the business. That was years ago. Where is he now? Well, that's also an interesting story.
Samuel: (Dwight Schrute dressed as a butler. Speaks in slow, deep voice) Master Scarn.
Samuel: (crashes cymbals by Michael's ear)
Michael Scott: (lying on bed with a bottle of alcohol) I'm up.
Samuel: It's the president. He needs you for a mission.
Michael Scott: Tell him I'm retired.
Dwight Schrute: It's Goldenface.
Michael Scott: Goldenface, this makes it personal.
President: It's your old enemy, Goldenface. He's after the NHL All Star Game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one is personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
Samuel: We have to search the stadium.
President: Not so fast, Goldenface has taken all the concession stand workers hostage. Scarn, will you find these hostages, and save the game?
Michael Scott: (holding a quarter up) Heads I do it, tails I don't. Best out of seven. (flips the coin) Heads. (flips it again) Tails. (President winces each time he says tails)...Heads...Tails...Heads...Tails. (flips one more time and the quarter spins around on the table. Michael looks at it) Well, it looks like there's going to be a clean-up on aisle five.
Kevin Malone: (as a hostage) Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us.
Goldenface: (Jim, with his face painted with metallic gold paint) Oh someone's coming alright, the only man who would care. (Goldenface turns in his chair, holding a golden gun) Michael Scarn. See I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then... I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good. (malicious, deep laughter)
Cherokee Jack: (Creed wearing a tunic and carrying a mop, standing with Michael in front of an ice rink) Mop the ice.
Michael Scott: I'm not here to learn how to mop, I'm here to learn how to play hockey.
Cherokee Jack: Mop it. (A montage of Michael mopping the ice awkwardly and using an ab-cruncher, and slowly getting better. After a little while, Cherokee Jack Slams a hockey stick on the ice to stop Michael, then offers it to him) Now take this.
Michael Scott: What am I supposed to do with this?
Cherokee Jack: Mop. (a montage shows Michael sliding around the ice skillfully and hitting the puck into the goal)
Ryan Howard: (Ryan is acting as an official for the competition taking place. A line is formed in front of a line on the ice. Standing behind it are Michael Scarn, Oscar in a blue full-body suit, and a mysterious man in a hockey mask) Each year, the National Hockey League selects one civilian amateur to play in the All Star Game. It's down to the three of you. The final test is speed skating. (holds a gun to the ceiling) On your marks, get set...
Goldenface: Die! (The masked man pulls off the mask to reveal that it is Goldenface)
Michael Scott: (Michael and Goldenface skate around the rink, Goldenface shooting with a solid gold gun, Michael with two pistols. Michael is out of breath at the end of the race) Nice try Goldenface, but you forgot one thing, to kill me.
Goldenface: I wasn't trying to kill you, I was trying to slow you down. (Ryan is seen placing a medal around Oscar's neck)
Goldenface: Oh by the way!
Goldenface: How's your wife doing?
Michael Scott: (begins to cry as Goldenface laughs)
Michael Scott: Congratulations.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, you came in second. Not bad either.
Michael Scott: I am sorry that I have to do this... (starts choking Oscar to death with his towel)
Oscar Martinez: Huh...(muffled screaming as he slowly chokes, and eventually dies)
Michael Scott: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Samuel: I'm intercepting a name. Jasmine Winsong. She works for Goldenface. What I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat.
Michael Scott: Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest Jazz Club in town. (stands up with his cup of tea and walks by Samuel, pouring his tea all over him)
Samuel: Oh-(starts to freak out, but the scene is crudely cut short)
Jan Levinson: (singing gibberish while laying on the piano on stage)
Michael Scott: (pulls out a recording device from his pocket and clicks it on)
Jan Levinson: (michael pushes the backwards button on the recorder) The hostages are under the stadium. (An assassin with a golden tie shoots her with a tranquilizer and she falls)
Michael Scott: Jack Blaise.
Samuel: Ha! (kicking open the gate in the stadium where the hostages and Goldenface are)
Kevin Malone: Michael Scarn!
Goldenface: Sorry about your friend, Scarn!
Michael Scott: The joke's on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist.
Goldenface: (gives Michael a disgusted look)
Samuel: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?
Samuel: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?
Samuel: We've searched the wh- ok...
Michael Scott: He said, where is the bomb?
Goldenface: In the puck! (tosses the puck to Michael)
Michael Scott: Why are you telling me this?
Goldenface: Because I'm going to kill you. (takes out golden gun) Unless! You forgive me for murdering your wife. (distraught, memories of him and his wife are shown on the puck in a dreamy haze)
Michael Scott: Hey Goldenface.
Michael Scott: Go puck yourself!
Goldenface: (dodges the puck and shoots at Michael)
Samuel: Noooo! (jumps in front of Michael to receive the bullet)
Michael Scott: More Tylenol.
Helene: (as a busty nurse) You've already had four.
Pam Beesly: Looking at her mother on screen, horrified) Oh God... (looks at Michael) So good.
Helene: You're lucky to be alive.
Michael Scott: It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back, and balls to kill Michael Scarn.
Helene: Let's just make sure that everything's... Working properly... (leans in closer to Michael and the heart rate monitor, which was beating steadily, now beats very quickly)
President: You just said the bomb... is in the puck?
Michael & Samuel together: Yes.
President: Is that where you hid the bomb Goldenface?
Goldenface: (walks into the Oval Office with an accomplice, Troy)
Samuel: But why would you blow up the stadium? You OWN the stadium!
Michael Scott: For the insurance money! I knew it all along! (the President, Goldenface, and his minion pull out automatic machine guns) You will never get away with this! (takes a painting of Abraham Lincoln and awkwardly smashes it on the President's head, runs out of the office as Goldenface and his minion shoot at them)
Michael Scott: (in a bar) Beer me Billy.
Billy: (Andy as a bar tender with a Brooklyn accent) You don't looks so good, what's got ya down?
Michael Scott: I got problems Billy. Big problems...
Billy: You got problems?! My TV don't work! I pay thirty bucks a month for the damn satellite what's-a-whosit, I can't even get the damn game! Now you tell me, what's worse than that?
Michael Scott: (laughs to himself) Don't ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow.
Billy: I see what you mean about problems. I know what'll cheer you up. That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink. (a table with Meredith, Phyllis, Karen, and Angela all say hey to Michael)
Karen Filippelli: Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby? (winks)
Michael Scott: I'm too depressed to save the big game Billy.
Billy: I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know hows. (to a small boy in overalls) Hey kid! Hit G-9 on the Jukebox!
Michael Scott: No Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
Billy: There is a whole crowd of people out there, who need to learn, how to do The Scarn.
Michael Scott: (A funky beat sounds from the Jukebox and Michael starts dancing poorly) Well my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say, I'm about to do The Scarn in a major way. (the bachelorettes and the others in the bar stand up to join him) You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! (doing the actions he says to) You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn!
Todd Packer: (as a drunken man in the bar) If doing The Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth!
Jim Halpert: (cracking up at the stupidity of it, the rest of the office besides Michael and Holly are concealing their laughter. Pam Is trying to quiet Jim up) Sorry.
Michael Scott: (turns off the movie from the remote, the office complains)
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I think I was just relieved, to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah Michael the movie is amazing!
Kevin Malone: It's like one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life.
Ryan Howard: You should enter it in festivals!
Kevin Malone: Or carnivals!
Michael Scott: (to Holly) Well that's a... pretty good reaction. (Holly nods) Pretty cool, right? Did you like it? Did you like that?
Holly Flax: Uh... which part?
Michael Scott: Okay. (Stands up and leaves the conference room to the dismay of the office) No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough...
Andy Bernard: Some people are really popping on screen!
Holly Flax: Hey! Good movie.
Michael Scott: Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great!
Michael Scott: Did you? What did you love about it?
Holly Flax: Uhm, I loved that you got to work together with all your friends. Isn't that great when you can all work together like that?
Michael Scott: No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly.
Michael Scott: Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded.
Holly Flax: Not worried about that.
Michael Scott: (angrily) It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream.
Holly Flax: Wha- It's your dream and you never even mentioned it before!
Michael Scott: I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus.
Holly Flax: Well why do you have to make a movie at all?
Michael Scott: Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing.
Holly Flax: Really, you can't think of anything else that you might have?
Michael Scott: I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.
Michael Scott: Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you.
Holly Flax: I love you too.
Michael Scott: I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans.
Samuel: Michael! You have to get to that puck before halftime! Or the whole stadium will explode!
Michael Scott: I know, it's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on!
Samuel: Cherokee Jack? Michael he died.
Michael Scott: (crying) This one's for you Cherokee Jack. (Michael skates into the rink of an already in-play match)
Jim Halpert: (he office shushes Michael to hear the movie better) That's fine, it's great!
Michael Scott: No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they (chuckles), they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there. (Michael stands up, clearly realizing that his movie is not as great as he thought)
Pam Beesly: Why is your face gold?
Goldenface: Why do you care?
Pam Beesly: I'm just making conversation.
Goldenface: I worked in a gold factory, we had a boss, who only cared about money...
Michael Scott: (phone rings) I'll get it! Man I love being retired! Scarn here!
President: (on phone) Michael, it's the president.
Michael Scott: Hello sir.
President: I need you for another mission.
Michael Scott: Ugh... (after a little thought) I'm in.
Andy Bernard: (the office cheers) Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isn't the president evil?
Michael Scott: Oh yeah! (laughs) Yes he is!
Dwight Schrute: No no, he's doing it to catch the president!
Michael Scott: No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid. (the office laughs)
Rapper: (Andy rapping to a montage of scenes from the movie) Ahhhh, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madelyn Allbrite, Threat Level Midnight! It's a threat, a level, a level level threat. He's the greatest hockey-star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace I'm out!
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 16 season 7. Threat Level Midnight is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.