Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Threat Level Midnight

Vol. 7 · Issue 16Scranton, PA

Here is the legendary action movie eleven years in the making. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from Michael Scarn's dramatic "clean up on aisle five" to the step-by-step instructions for The Scarn. It's the complete script for anyone who knows that Goldenface must be stopped at all costs.

Scene 01

4 lines
Delivery Guy
I got a delivery for ya'.
Michael Scott
Leave it at reception.
Delivery
I'm supposed to deliver this one in person. (pulls out a gun and starts shooting at Michael, who dodges dramatically)
Michael Scott
(pulls out two handguns and kills the man with an unnecessarily large amount of bullets) Clean up on aisle five. (Threat Level: Midnight titlescreen appears)

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.

Scene 03

3 lines
Michael Scott
Erin... what are you doing?
Erin Hannon
Guys! Guys. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it.
Michael Scott
That's... That's. Well, don't put words in my mouth.

Scene 04

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Threat Level: Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott.
Pam Beesly
We're all in it, from like years and years ago. It's like a home movie.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie!
Pam Beesly
Michael screened a work in progress for us, years ago, and it didn't go well. We thought it was a comedy. (flashback clip of Michael angrily leaving the conference room while the whole office is laughing at the tv) Everything pointed to it being a comedy.

Scene 05

4 lines
Pam Beesly
We'd love to see it!
Michael Scott
Sweet, I will go invite Holly.
Pam Beesly
Okay everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive, so let's stay positive! And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy and we'll have a pure fun day! Okay?
Creed Bratton
Thanks mom.

Scene 06

5 lines
Holly Flax
You never told me you made a movie.
Michael Scott
Mhmm! It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom.
Holly Flax
It's got you.
Michael Scott
It's got a lot of me.
Holly Flax
(laughs) I can't wait.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Midnight. (applause)

Scene 08

2 lines
Narrator
(Stanley's voice as the screen shows Scarn Manor) Michael Scarn, well that's an interesting story. (headlines of Michael Scarn's success are shown as well as an article reporting the death of Michael's wife, Catherine Zeta Scarn) He was once the best secret agent in the business. That was years ago. Where is he now? Well, that's also an interesting story.
Samuel
(Dwight Schrute dressed as a butler. Speaks in slow, deep voice) Master Scarn.

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- (robot impression) to be like this! (normally) But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.

Scene 10

1 line
Michael Scott
Dwight does not play a robot.

Scene 11

6 lines
Samuel
(crashes cymbals by Michael's ear)
Michael Scott
(lying on bed with a bottle of alcohol) I'm up.
Samuel
It's the president. He needs you for a mission.
Michael Scott
Tell him I'm retired.
Dwight Schrute
It's Goldenface.
Michael Scott
Goldenface, this makes it personal.

Scene 12

1 line
President
(Darryl, sitting at a desk in the Oval Office) Scarn, you're right on time. (cheering from the office)

Scene 13

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it'd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.

Scene 14

4 lines
President
It's your old enemy, Goldenface. He's after the NHL All Star Game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one is personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
Samuel
We have to search the stadium.
President
Not so fast, Goldenface has taken all the concession stand workers hostage. Scarn, will you find these hostages, and save the game?
Michael Scott
(holding a quarter up) Heads I do it, tails I don't. Best out of seven. (flips the coin) Heads. (flips it again) Tails. (President winces each time he says tails)...Heads...Tails...Heads...Tails. (flips one more time and the quarter spins around on the table. Michael looks at it) Well, it looks like there's going to be a clean-up on aisle five.

Scene 15

1 line
Narrator
Well, the hostages were scared.

Scene 16

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(as a hostage) Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us.
Goldenface
(Jim, with his face painted with metallic gold paint) Oh someone's coming alright, the only man who would care. (Goldenface turns in his chair, holding a golden gun) Michael Scarn. See I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then... I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good. (malicious, deep laughter)

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

Scene 18

1 line
Narrator
(scene shows Michael Scarn driving through the rain) Well, the All Star Game was three days away, so naturally it was all sold out. The only way Scarn was getting in was in a uniform. Just one problem with that, Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a Slim Jim. So he went to meet with the famed trainer... (Michael stops the car and gets out) Cherokee Jack.

Scene 19

5 lines
Cherokee Jack
(Creed wearing a tunic and carrying a mop, standing with Michael in front of an ice rink) Mop the ice.
Michael Scott
I'm not here to learn how to mop, I'm here to learn how to play hockey.
Cherokee Jack
Mop it. (A montage of Michael mopping the ice awkwardly and using an ab-cruncher, and slowly getting better. After a little while, Cherokee Jack Slams a hockey stick on the ice to stop Michael, then offers it to him) Now take this.
Michael Scott
What am I supposed to do with this?
Cherokee Jack
Mop. (a montage shows Michael sliding around the ice skillfully and hitting the puck into the goal)

Scene 20

1 line
Narrator
Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country.

Scene 21

9 lines
Ryan Howard
(Ryan is acting as an official for the competition taking place. A line is formed in front of a line on the ice. Standing behind it are Michael Scarn, Oscar in a blue full-body suit, and a mysterious man in a hockey mask) Each year, the National Hockey League selects one civilian amateur to play in the All Star Game. It's down to the three of you. The final test is speed skating. (holds a gun to the ceiling) On your marks, get set...
Goldenface
Die! (The masked man pulls off the mask to reveal that it is Goldenface)
Michael Scott
(Michael and Goldenface skate around the rink, Goldenface shooting with a solid gold gun, Michael with two pistols. Michael is out of breath at the end of the race) Nice try Goldenface, but you forgot one thing, to kill me.
Goldenface
I wasn't trying to kill you, I was trying to slow you down. (Ryan is seen placing a medal around Oscar's neck)
Michael Scott
No!
Goldenface
Oh by the way!
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Goldenface
How's your wife doing?
Michael Scott
(begins to cry as Goldenface laughs)

Scene 22

5 lines
Michael Scott
Congratulations.
Oscar Martinez
Hey, you came in second. Not bad either.
Michael Scott
I am sorry that I have to do this... (starts choking Oscar to death with his towel)
Oscar Martinez
Huh...(muffled screaming as he slowly chokes, and eventually dies)
Michael Scott
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Scene 23

3 lines
Samuel
I'm intercepting a name. Jasmine Winsong. She works for Goldenface. What I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat.
Michael Scott
Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest Jazz Club in town. (stands up with his cup of tea and walks by Samuel, pouring his tea all over him)
Samuel
Oh-(starts to freak out, but the scene is crudely cut short)

Scene 24

1 line
Dwight Schrute
He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?

Scene 25

1 line
Jan Levinson
(acting as a jazz singer at the Funky Cat, singing) They call me Jasmine Winsong.

Scene 26

1 line
Michael Scott
(walking into the Funky Cat) Bingo.

Scene 27

1 line
Jan Levinson
He finished his movie? (frantically trying to open her car door, as if trying to get away from the camera crew) No kidding. Wow, that's great. Yeah that's good for him.

Scene 28

4 lines
Jan Levinson
(singing gibberish while laying on the piano on stage)
Michael Scott
(pulls out a recording device from his pocket and clicks it on)
Jan Levinson
(michael pushes the backwards button on the recorder) The hostages are under the stadium. (An assassin with a golden tie shoots her with a tranquilizer and she falls)
Michael Scott
Jack Blaise.

Scene 29

2 lines
Pam Beesly
You have to let us go Goldenface! We have families!
Goldenface
Ha! This is gonna show them (cocks his golden gun) that I mean business. See ya! (points gun to Toby the hostage's head, shoots and Toby's fake head explodes, the shot is shown repeatedly)

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story.

Scene 31

19 lines
Samuel
Ha! (kicking open the gate in the stadium where the hostages and Goldenface are)
Kevin Malone
Michael Scarn!
Goldenface
Sorry about your friend, Scarn!
Michael Scott
The joke's on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist.
Goldenface
(gives Michael a disgusted look)
Samuel
We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?
Goldenface
Hm?
Samuel
We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?
Goldenface
Hm?
Samuel
We've searched the wh- ok...
Michael Scott
He said, where is the bomb?
Goldenface
In the puck! (tosses the puck to Michael)
Michael Scott
Why are you telling me this?
Goldenface
Because I'm going to kill you. (takes out golden gun) Unless! You forgive me for murdering your wife. (distraught, memories of him and his wife are shown on the puck in a dreamy haze)
Michael Scott
Hey Goldenface.
Goldenface
Yeah?
Michael Scott
Go puck yourself!
Goldenface
(dodges the puck and shoots at Michael)
Samuel
Noooo! (jumps in front of Michael to receive the bullet)

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
That was not scripted.

Scene 33

1 line
Goldenface
(re-cocks gun and shoots at Michael, who looks shocked and scared)

Scene 34

6 lines
Michael Scott
More Tylenol.
Helene
(as a busty nurse) You've already had four.
Pam Beesly
Looking at her mother on screen, horrified] Oh God... (looks at Michael) So good.
Helene
You're lucky to be alive.
Michael Scott
It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back, and balls to kill Michael Scarn.
Helene
Let's just make sure that everything's... Working properly... (leans in closer to Michael and the heart rate monitor, which was beating steadily, now beats very quickly)

Scene 35

6 lines
President
You just said the bomb... is in the puck?
Michael & Samuel together
Yes.
President
Is that where you hid the bomb Goldenface?
Goldenface
(walks into the Oval Office with an accomplice, Troy)
Samuel
But why would you blow up the stadium? You OWN the stadium!
Michael Scott
For the insurance money! I knew it all along! (the President, Goldenface, and his minion pull out automatic machine guns) You will never get away with this! (takes a painting of Abraham Lincoln and awkwardly smashes it on the President's head, runs out of the office as Goldenface and his minion shoot at them)

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up.

Scene 37

1 line
Narrator
It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he had lost his self-confidence. And he hadn't of course, He just wasn't using it right now.

Scene 38

7 lines
Michael Scott
(in a bar) Beer me Billy.
Billy
(Andy as a bar tender with a Brooklyn accent) You don't looks so good, what's got ya down?
Michael Scott
I got problems Billy. Big problems...
Billy
You got problems?! My TV don't work! I pay thirty bucks a month for the damn satellite what's-a-whosit, I can't even get the damn game! Now you tell me, what's worse than that?
Michael Scott
(laughs to himself) Don't ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow.
Billy
I see what you mean about problems. I know what'll cheer you up. That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink. (a table with Meredith, Phyllis, Karen, and Angela all say hey to Michael)
Karen Filippelli
Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby? (winks)

Scene 39

1 line
Karen Filippelli
Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?

Scene 40

6 lines
Michael Scott
I'm too depressed to save the big game Billy.
Billy
I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know hows. (to a small boy in overalls) Hey kid! Hit G-9 on the Jukebox!
Michael Scott
No Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died.
Billy
There is a whole crowd of people out there, who need to learn, how to do The Scarn.
Michael Scott
(A funky beat sounds from the Jukebox and Michael starts dancing poorly) Well my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say, I'm about to do The Scarn in a major way. (the bachelorettes and the others in the bar stand up to join him) You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! (doing the actions he says to) You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn!
Todd Packer
(as a drunken man in the bar) If doing The Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth!

Scene 41

11 lines
Jim Halpert
(cracking up at the stupidity of it, the rest of the office besides Michael and Holly are concealing their laughter. Pam Is trying to quiet Jim up) Sorry.
Michael Scott
(turns off the movie from the remote, the office complains)
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I think I was just relieved, to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah Michael the movie is amazing!
Kevin Malone
It's like one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life.
Ryan Howard
You should enter it in festivals!
Kevin Malone
Or carnivals!
Michael Scott
(to Holly) Well that's a... pretty good reaction. (Holly nods) Pretty cool, right? Did you like it? Did you like that?
Holly Flax
Uh... which part?
Michael Scott
Okay. (Stands up and leaves the conference room to the dismay of the office) No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough...
Andy Bernard
Some people are really popping on screen!

Scene 42

6 lines
Michael Scott
Hey.
Holly Flax
Hey! Good movie.
Michael Scott
Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great!
Holly Flax
I loved it.
Michael Scott
Did you? What did you love about it?
Holly Flax
Uhm, I loved that you got to work together with all your friends. Isn't that great when you can all work together like that?

Scene 43

14 lines
Michael Scott
No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly.
Holly Flax
Uhm...
Michael Scott
Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded.
Holly Flax
Not worried about that.
Michael Scott
(angrily) It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream.
Holly Flax
Wha- It's your dream and you never even mentioned it before!
Michael Scott
I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus.
Holly Flax
Well why do you have to make a movie at all?
Michael Scott
Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing.
Holly Flax
Really, you can't think of anything else that you might have?
Michael Scott
I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.
Holly Flax
I'm real.
Michael Scott
Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you.
Holly Flax
I love you too.

Scene 44

1 line
Michael Scott
I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans.

Scene 45

1 line
Michael Scott
Who likes Threat Level: Midnight? (applause from the office) Okay then who wants to watch the rest?! (everyone yells approval)

Scene 46

4 lines
Samuel
Michael! You have to get to that puck before halftime! Or the whole stadium will explode!
Michael Scott
I know, it's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on!
Samuel
Cherokee Jack? Michael he died.
Michael Scott
(crying) This one's for you Cherokee Jack. (Michael skates into the rink of an already in-play match)

Scene 47

1 line
Michael Scott
We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states.

Scene 48

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(he office shushes Michael to hear the movie better) That's fine, it's great!
Michael Scott
No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they (chuckles), they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there. (Michael stands up, clearly realizing that his movie is not as great as he thought)

Scene 49

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Why is your face gold?
Goldenface
Why do you care?
Pam Beesly
I'm just making conversation.
Goldenface
I worked in a gold factory, we had a boss, who only cared about money...

Scene 50

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hey...
Holly Flax
Hey, I'm sorry. It is good.
Michael Scott
No it's not. (kisses Holly while smiling) It's not. But, they really seem to be enjoying it.

Scene 51

1 line
Hostage
Please Goldenface, let us go!

Scene 52

2 lines
Michael Scott
(ees Cherokee Jack from a confusion of heavenly light and smoke) Cherokee Jack.
Cherokee Jack
I want you to take all of your frustrations, with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. All on the puck.

Scene 53

1 line
Michael Scott
(laughs at the stupidity)

Scene 54

1 line
Michael Scott
(skates forward, hits the puck, and stares in wonder as it flies by)

Scene 55

1 line
Samuel
Yah! (kicks open the gate to save the hostages, hostages rejoice as Samuel unties them) (the puck is seen flying into space and it hits a satellite, Billy is at his bar and his TV suddenly turns back on)

Scene 56

1 line
Billy
Hey! We got sports games again! (people at the bar cheer)

Scene 57

1 line
Goldenface
(seen at his house counting his money) Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! (The puck lands on his lap) Oh-(A large explosion blocks out his words) (The office cheers at the ending of the movie, Michael Scarn holds up a trophy)

Scene 58

1 line
Michael Scott
(in Scarn manor) Some breakfast for me (shows a plate of bacon and eggs) and some breakfast for you. (pulls out an oil can and oils Samuel's circuit board on his back)

Scene 59

1 line
Michael Scott
Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.

Scene 60

5 lines
Michael Scott
(phone rings) I'll get it! Man I love being retired! Scarn here!
President
(on phone) Michael, it's the president.
Michael Scott
Hello sir.
President
I need you for another mission.
Michael Scott
Ugh... (after a little thought) I'm in.

Scene 61

4 lines
Andy Bernard
(the office cheers) Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isn't the president evil?
Michael Scott
Oh yeah! (laughs) Yes he is!
Dwight Schrute
No no, he's doing it to catch the president!
Michael Scott
No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid. (the office laughs)

Scene 62

1 line
Narrator
(in Stanley's voice, a chair is shown with a gray haired head sticking above it) Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game. And I bet you're wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn. (the chair revolves to show Michael Scarn, gray haired, talking with Stanley's voice) Well because I AM Michael Scarn. (applause)

Scene 63

1 line
Rapper
(Andy rapping to a montage of scenes from the movie) Ahhhh, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madelyn Allbrite, Threat Level Midnight! It's a threat, a level, a level level threat. He's the greatest hockey-star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace I'm out!