Every line from The Office episode "Todd Packer", season 7 episode 17.
Kevin Malone: You're eating eight year old tomatoes?
Dwight Schrute: They're still good for another week.
Meredith Palmer: You know, I think I have some type of cheese in the back of my fridge you might like. (Jim smiles)
Kevin Malone: I've got some cheese you might like too. In between my toes. (all laugh)
Dwight Schrute: Hardy har har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound, you beg, Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?
Jim Halpert: Because of the sign, that says no pounding no begging.
Dwight Schrute: No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.
Jim Halpert: Three months.
Dwight Schrute: Could be.
Jim Halpert: Four months.
Dwight Schrute: I can see that happening, yes.
Jim Halpert: Eight months?
Dwight Schrute: That's a realistic time line.
Jim Halpert: (Pam kisses Jim on the cheek) Eleven months.
Jim Halpert: Okay now really think hard about this one: One year.
Dwight Schrute: I can see that as a very real possibility.
Jim Halpert: (time has obviously passed, as everyone is gone except Jim and Dwight) Four hundred and ninety-four months?
Dwight Schrute: I can see that happening.
Jim Halpert: Four hundred and ninety-FIVE months. That's just...
Holly Flax: (walks into conference room with Michael and Todd) Hi!
Michael Scott: Hi. (Holly and Michael kiss)
Holly Flax: You must be Todd.
Todd Packer: (shaking Holly's hand) Whoa! I'm sorry, Michael. I thought we were meeting Holly today, not Jennifer Aniston!
Holly Flax: (laughs oddly) Very funny. Okay let's get started.
Michael Scott: Oh, Michael! This'll be just us.
Michael Scott: Oh, yes yes yes yes. Just so you know, he's at his funniest when you've given him five shots.
Michael Scott: And it also helps if you've had five shots.
Holly Flax: I already have.
Jim Halpert: (to Michael) Why is Packer back?
Michael Scott: Is Packer here?
Dwight Schrute: Why's he talking to Holly?
Michael Scott: (peering into conference room) Don't know, don't care.
Holly Flax: (to Todd) Michael loves you, and your sales speak for themselves.
Todd Packer: (excitedly) Oh!
Michael Scott: (sees Holly and Todd shaking hands in the conference room) Yes! The Pack is back! Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a man who needs no introduction, probably because most of you have done it with him. Just kidding he wouldn't be interested in any of you. In all seriousness, Todd Packer, is a permanent salesman at this branch. And I would like to invite you to welcome him with open arms.
Todd Packer: It's great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do!
Kevin Malone: Nice! We got burned!
Michael Scott: You did! You got burned, because Packer's back! Packer is turning in his car for a desk. He is turning in his condoms, for a condominium! Although he's probably going to have to use condoms from here on out.
Dwight Schrute: (seething) Holly, you approved this?
Holly Flax: Yes I did, I think Todd's gonna make a great addition to the staff.
Jim Halpert: You did approve it?
Kevin Malone: What don't you understand about the word approved? It seems some of you don't know what the word approved means.
Erin Hannon: Thank you Pam.
Pam Beesly: Awwh, you're welcome. (they hug) My pleasure.
Jim Halpert: (Pam walks over to him and smiles excitedly while bouncing, Jim imitates her) Can I do something for ya?
Pam Beesly: I just helped someone out. It feels good.
Jim Halpert: Nice. You know, I cleaned our daughter for like, an hour at four a.m. this morning, so...
Pam Beesly: So you know the feeling.
Michael Scott: Special delivery for Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't order anything.
Michael Scott: And I don't have anything for you. But I do wanna talk to you about something. We have been thinking about where Packer should sit... And we can't just sit around and wait for Creed to die.
Dwight Schrute: Well there's a lot of seats in the annex.
Michael Scott: So you wouldn't mind permanently relocating, so that Packer can take this desk here. (Jim looks appalled)
Todd Packer: Thanks man, it'd mean a lot.
Dwight Schrute: I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael.
Todd Packer: well I was there for twelve years. Plus my name's carved under the desk.
Dwight Schrute: No it is not.
Michael Scott: (Grunting as he crawls under Dwight's desk. Dwight follows) Let's look at this.
Todd Packer: Check it out!
Dwight Schrute: I don't wanna move desks!
Michael Scott: Don't be a baby! Okay! There it is. Packer was here and so was your mom! (Todd starts humping Dwight and Michael who are still under the desk.
Jim Halpert: Do I have any say in this?!
Todd Packer: (grunting while humping Michael and Dwight) Don't even watch, Halpert!
Dwight Schrute: (in the annex, moving into his new desk. Holds up a red tray with rocks on it) Hey, who's dirt box is this?
Holly Flax: Oh, that's our Zen garden.
Dwight Schrute: What do you grow in here, bullcrap? (puts the tray into the garbage)
Pam Beesly: (walking into the annex with Jim) Hey, um...
Holly Flax: Hey, what's up guys?
Meredith Palmer: Don't what's up us! You think you're so cute, with your pretty blonde hair!
Jim Halpert: Whoa, pull it back. Uhm, why did you hire Todd Packer?
Pam Beesly: He's seriously awful!
Holly Flax: Michael's recommendation was glowing! And, honestly, he's been nothing but nice to me!
Meredith Palmer: That's how he gets you to take off his panties.
Jim Halpert: (Pam starts nodding in agreement) Why are you nodding?
Pam Beesly: United front...
Holly Flax: Okay, look. We can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan Howard: Right this isn't the U.S. Government.
Kelly Kapoor: What are you referencing?
Ryan Howard: (seems unsure) Everything... Everything.
Holly Flax: Do any of you have any concrete complaints about something he's done?
Jim Halpert: Well, I mean he humped Michael.
Holly Flax: Well if that's the case, I guess I've gotta be fired too. (all groan in disgust)
Andy Bernard: (looking at his computer, gasps) Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! (no one moves) Check it out! This guy's on a full beam reach. (watching a sailing video on his computer) They're hiking out like mad! Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Nice job! Ughh. (computer is frozen, taps the top of it) This computer's a hunk of jjunk.
Erin Hannon: Hey sailor! Come watch it over here! (pats her new computer)
Andy Bernard: Where did you get this?!
Erin Hannon: Pam gave it to me!
Andy Bernard: This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! (to Pam, in a fake British accent) Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them?
Pam Beesly: You have a computer Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So...
Pam Beesly: Ok, but listen. We just don't have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.
Andy Bernard: Well Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but...
Pam Beesly: Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.
Stanley Hudson: So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?
Andy Bernard: I'm not asking for one, I need it.
Phyllis Vance: If you're just handing them out, I want one too.
Andy Bernard: Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.
Pam Beesly: See, this is what I'm talking about.
Andy Bernard: What are you gonna play mange on faster?
Todd Packer: Hey what's going on you guys? (walking into the kitchen with Holly, Dwight, and Kevin, with whom he fist bumps) Yeahh! Three muska-queers!
Kevin Malone: (giggling) Mean but good!
Holly Flax: So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter.
Todd Packer: I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom. (Holly is un-amused)
Holly Flax: Well, some girls go through a phase.
Kevin Malone: Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book!
Todd Packer: Since when did you learn how to read?
Kevin Malone: I do know how to read though!
Todd Packer: Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!
Kevin Malone: (Todd leaves. Kevin laughs uncertainly) He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.
Dwight Schrute: Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer.
Pam Beesly: (walking through the office, notices Andy with Erin's computer set up at his desk) What the heck! Why do you have Erin's computer!
Andy Bernard: It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched.
Pam Beesly: What? Erin is that true?
Erin Hannon: (nods) I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one.
Pam Beesly: Erin, it's not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It's not yours to give away.
Andy Bernard: Pam, when I'm freaking out, I just sorta step back and-
Pam Beesly: I'm not freaking out, Andy.
Andy Bernard: -take a few breaths, and then I ask myself: Is this worth freaking out about?
Pam Beesly: Andy, why should she have your crappy computer?
Andy Bernard: That's interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy.
Pam Beesly: Switch the computers back Andy.
Andy Bernard: Pam! Come on!
Andy Bernard: Fine! (the office goes back to their work) Please make sure no one is humping me!
Erin Hannon: (to Holly who is walking by) Oh! If you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. (picks up an ant farm and tube of ants from her desk, Holly takes them) Thanks.
Michael Scott: Best day ever. Best day ever!
Holly Flax: So much happening. (not as excited as Michael)
Michael Scott: Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?
Holly Flax: Did Todd tell you to do that?
Michael Scott: Yeah, You love him right? (Holly seems unsure) You love him. I can tell.
Michael Scott: No. Not me, him.
Holly Flax: That's certainly opinionated.
Erin Hannon: (looking anxious) If you're not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself.
Holly Flax: Oh I'm going.
Michael Scott: Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he's funnier than you? Oh honey...
Holly Flax: I don't think he's funnier than me.
Michael Scott: He's funnier than me.
Holly Flax: No, he's not funny at all.
Michael Scott: So I'm less funny than not funny at all?
Erin Hannon: (very anxious at this point) Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other!
Holly Flax: No, what I'm saying is, he's not funny, but you're funnier than he is.
Michael Scott: (seems taken aback) Uhm...
Holly Flax: Ok: Bill Cosby (puts the ant tube high up. Each time she mentions a name it gets lower), Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here (tube takes a jump to the bottom) Todd Packer.
Michael Scott: That's insane!
Holly Flax: Honey, he's a jerk.
Erin Hannon: (getting up and walking towards them, worriedly) For Pete's sake it just needs to be done! (takes the ant farm and tube from Holly and heads towards the annex)
Todd Packer: (to Jim) So you two are married to each other now, right?
Todd Packer: That's sweet. How's the sex?
Jim Halpert: (continues working)
Dwight Schrute: (walks towards Todd) Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate.
Dwight Schrute: 'Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.
Jim Halpert: That's a lot of reasons! (suspicious)
Dwight Schrute: Drink it!
Todd Packer: I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viva A Fox. (winks)
Jim Halpert: (interrupts Dwight trying to force feed Todd) Can I talk to you a second?
Jim Halpert: So, this hot chocolate thing.
Dwight Schrute: None of your business.
Jim Halpert: Well, you know you can't actually poison him.
Dwight Schrute: It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this.
Jim Halpert: I really think we should join forces on this one.
Jim Halpert: What do we think, what would drive him crazy.
Dwight Schrute: Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.
Jim Halpert: You've gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can't get to them.
Dwight Schrute: (mocking) Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?
Jim Halpert: Okay! Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number.
Dwight Schrute: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim Halpert: He... It's a crime fighting beaver.
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over.
Andy Bernard: Pam. Can I talk to you in private?
Pam Beesly: I don't know if there's really a private place in this office.
Andy Bernard: Well they put a sign-up sheet on the conference room and I signed us up for three mods. A mod is five minutes. And it started two minutes ago.
Pam Beesly: (looking confused) You did that?
Andy Bernard: Can we talk about this in the meeting? Because we're a little late.
Pam Beesly: Okay. (walks to conference room with Andy and stares at the sign up sheet with wonder) When did people sign-
Andy Bernard: Mind if I close the door? (after shutting door in the conference room) What you did out there, earlier, was totally un-cool.
Pam Beesly: Well what was I supposed to do, let you walk all over me?
Andy Bernard: You humiliated me in front of every body!
Pam Beesly: Okay, well I didn't think about it like that. It's just, I can't do anything about it. I can't replace that one unless that computer breaks.
Andy Bernard: I mean, it's pretty broken already.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, well if it breaks all the way I can get you a new one.
Andy Bernard: (looks at her knowingly) Pretty sneaky sis. (knocking on conference room door)
Ryan Howard: (walking in) Hey cats, we got a jazz session in mod six, nine, and twelve. (Pam and Andy exit as Ryan and others holding saxophones walk in, Pam looks at the sign up sheet in awe)
Dwight Schrute: (to Jim, the two are alone in the annex) There are over four hundred of these! (indicating a packet of paper)
Jim Halpert: Yeah I couldn't cut it down.
Dwight Schrute: They're all good. So good! Number three: eat a frog. That sounds promising. Number four: eat a dog. I don't know, um, from practical stand point-
Jim Halpert: One thirty-five. Did you like one thirty-five?
Dwight Schrute: Eat a brog. Maybe it's because I didn't understand it. I just had a couple of notes, let me grab a pen. (Dwight tries to open up a drawer on his desk but it only goes out two inches) Damn it. Gah! Just when we were getting going.
Todd Packer: (at Hank's with Michael, talking to Hank) And a '76 that's good to boot, I like that. (Hank smiles)
Michael Scott: And you made Hank smile, that doesn't happen often. You're very charming. That is something you should take upstairs, and use on people that really matter. (Hank looks irritated again)
Michael Scott: I don't know, Holly mentioned that there were some complaints. And that you had said some things about Kevin.
Todd Packer: Holly said that?
Holly Flax: She was laughing hysterically that whole time!
Michael Scott: I guess you said something weird about your daughter?
Todd Packer: She asked me, Michael! It would've been rude not to answer.
Michael Scott: You've been on the road a long time. And you've been an outdoor cat. And now you have to be an indoor cat, so you can't be peeing all over the walls.
Todd Packer: Michael, can I open the kamomo with you. I've been on the road too long. But, I wanna connect with my daughter. And it's not right to call her a bitch in front of strangers.
Michael Scott: No it isn't.
Todd Packer: You're right. I gotta watch my behavior.
Michael Scott: Yeah, a little bit.
Todd Packer: Don't give up on me.
Michael Scott: (Michael and Todd are walking into the office) Okay, every body. I need you to see this. Because maybe there is somebody here that you all underestimated, who will surprise you. Todd Packer, is going to apologize. Kevin! Front and center, come here.
Kevin Malone: I got a lot of numbers here to put together.
Michael Scott: Kevin, we know that you are just trying to save face, we know that you are hurt and embarrassed.
Kevin Malone: That's silly. If anything, I should be apologizing to Packer. Because we all know I can dish it, as good as I can take it.
Michael Scott: Okay, sweetie, no. You shouldn't be apologizing to Packer. That doesn't make any sense. You ready for this? You ready for this? Gentlemen, start your engines.
Todd Packer: I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier.
Kevin Malone: Well, like I said, I wasn't offended, but I'll stand here for the big show.
Michael Scott: Kevin, do you accept the apology?
Kelly Kapoor: Don't do it Kevin, that's the fake kind of apology.
Michael Scott: Okay, go back to the annex.
Kelly Kapoor: This is textbook. It's so uncool. Ryan does this to me all the time. Like it's some offense to have feelings. Don't do it Kevin.
Ryan Howard: (muttering) Sometimes you over react.
Oscar Martinez: Michael how's this supposed to work? Packer's gonna keep saying terrible things, and then he's just gonna make half-assed apologies. And we're back to square one.
Todd Packer: Okay. You want an apology? Here it goes. Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny, and you are a genius.
Michael Scott: That-That was maybe too much. Packer is a survivor of divorce Stanley. Packer doesn't speak with his child, Meredith. Packer never lived up to his parent's expectations, Andy. (Andy looks confused and shrugs) Angela loves pussy cats, and Packer loves-
Angela Martin: (cutting in) No! Don't!
Michael Scott: I was going to say dogs! Okay, you know what, this is over! Apology has been issued! And we're through with it. Packer will be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us!
Pam Beesly: (in a car with Andy, by the dumpster you can see a new computer box) So listen, we have to really scuff this up.
Andy Bernard: No no no no no! We can say that the previous owner was a neat-freak. Or an elegant old lady and she just kept it around in case her grand-kids came to visit, but they died and they never came, I think I'm gonna make myself cry.
Pam Beesly: Andy, this is the deal we made.
Andy Bernard: (watching Pam scrap his computer) That's probably good. That's enough.
Pam Beesly: We should break this hinge maybe.
Andy Bernard: Let's not go crazy.
Todd Packer: Well thanks, will do.
Jim Halpert: (using fake Southern accent, on the phone with Todd Packer, Dwight is also with Jim) Absolutely, now when you get down there, Jo's a little bit, uh, forgetful. So she may have locked the gate, but what you're gonna do is go ahead, hop it, and just head back to the pool. (Michael walks in on Jim and Dwight)
Todd Packer: That sounds weird.
Jim Halpert: It is weird! Look at you, perceptive. Now I know why Jo's kept her eye on you!
Dwight Schrute: (also In southern accent) And you make sure to get down there and check out that Harry Potter World.
Jim Halpert: (trying to stop him) Whatever you wanna do in your spare time is up to you!
Dwight Schrute: Harry Potter World is supposed to be faaantastic!
Dwight Schrute: Check it out and have a free butterbeer on us. Keep the receipt and we'll get ya' back!
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: (trying to hide from Michael what they're doing, he picks up the phone and talks directly into it) All right, so just pack your bags and, uh, be sure to bring those swimming trunks! Bye now! (hangs up)
Michael Scott: I cannot believe this, you're sending Packer to Florida? Why?
Jim Halpert: He's a jerk.
Dwight Schrute: He took my desk.
Michael Scott: Okay, so you're tricking him into flying to Florida?
Dwight Schrute: It wasn't my first choice, Jim had so many better ideas.
Michael Scott: You have to tell him. You have to tell him what you did.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. That is not part of the plan. That is actually anti-what we're doing.
Michael Scott: He is my oldest friend, I am going to tell him.
Jim Halpert: Wait! Why don't we come up with a plan we're all happy about? (Michael leaves)
Andy Bernard: (plugging in new computer, acting to make people think he got a bad computer) Pam, how is this thing even any better than my old computer?
Pam Beesly: Come on Andy! I mean you said you wanted a new computer and this is the best I could do!
Andy Bernard: Where'd you even find this thing, like, in the corner in the warehouse?
Pam Beesly: Yes, I found it in a shelf in the corner of the warehouse. (Darryl gives the camera an odd look)
Andy Bernard: All right, well thank you for my garbage computer. (Andy turns it on and looks amazed, clearly happy with it)
Todd Packer: (walking into Michael's office) You're looking at the new face of corporate. Gonna put the "ass", in Tallahassee!
Michael Scott: Yes, about that.
Todd Packer: Well we gotta go out and celebrate, tonight!
Michael Scott: Well... I don't know if that's a good idea.
Todd Packer: Do you have a ball and chain?
Michael Scott: No, nothing like that at all.
Todd Packer: Listen, I'm gonna tell you something that none of these people have the stones to tell you. It's your girlfriend, man. She's uptight.
Todd Packer: I know this stuff can hurt, but I wish someone had said something to me about my ex-wife. All I'm saying is about a month or so, meet me down in Florida, I'll introduce you to all the local (spanks the air) talent.
Michael Scott: (thinks a moment) Sounds great.
Todd Packer: It's gonna be so good.
Michael Scott: That is. (Jim sees them and looks happy) It's gonna be awesome. I think you're really going to enjoy it down there.
Holly Flax: I'm sorry about your friend.
Michael Scott: Nah, he's an ass.
Holly Flax: (Brooklyn accent) You ahh.
Michael Scott: (imitating) You ahh.
Holly Flax: What ah you wicked smaht?
Michael Scott: No you ahh.
Michael Scott: (kisses her and speaks normally again) You ahh.
Darryl Philbin: So this new computer you found in the warehouse.
Pam Beesly: Yep. Lucked out.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, you really did. 'Cause I know every INCH of that warehouse.
Pam Beesly: Yep, super lucky.
Darryl Philbin: Maybe you could go back down there and see if you can find me some extra sick days.
Pam Beesly: (hesitating at the bribe) Yeah. You know what , I think I saw ONE sick day down there.
Darryl Philbin: Really? 'Cause I think maybe I saw five.
Pam Beesly: Three. (Daryl nods)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 17 season 7. Todd Packer is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.