Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Garage Sale

Vol. 7 · Issue 18Scranton, PA

Michael finally pops the question to Holly in a room full of candles and sprinklers, leading to a big life change for the world's best boss. You'll find every line from the episode here, from Dwight's magic legume trading spree to the chaotic rules of the Dallas board game. It's the complete transcript of the day Dunder Mifflin hosted its very first garage sale.

Scene 01

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Oscar, big Will and Grace fan huh?
Oscar Martinez
No. Everybody assumes I am. I always get them as gifts.
Pam Beesly
Oh.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we really didn't need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves.

Scene 03

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
People! Look alive. It's showtime. Doors open in 3...2...1.
Jim Halpert
Oh, yikes.
Pam Beesly
It's cold Dwight. Just shut the door and let people come in the front.
Dwight Schrute
It's good that its cold it will drive business inside.
Pam Beesly
The signs will drive people inside.
Dwight Schrute
The warmth will lure people inside.
Andy Bernard
Close it.
Dwight Schrute
This is how business...
Andy Bernard
Close it.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not closing the door.
Andy Bernard
Close it. (starts wrestling Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
Stop it.
Andy Bernard
Just close it.

Scene 04

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Uh oh, looks like someone's sign is a little crooked. Uh, looks awful. Need a thumb tack?
Meredith Palmer
Sure.
Dwight Schrute
Not so fast.

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Schrute's are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here.

Scene 06

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
I will trade you for the used candle.
Meredith Palmer
Forget you.
Dwight Schrute
Come on, its trash, like your sign, unless you have this.
Meredith Palmer
Fine, just give it.
Dwight Schrute
That's how it's done.

Scene 07

20 lines
Kevin Malone
Woah, I love her. How much for that?
Michael Scott
I uh... I actually don't know why I brought that because It's kind of priceless.
Holly Flax
10 dollars.
Michael Scott
Mhmm, no I paid 500 dollars for that.
Kevin Malone
200.
Michael Scott
500.
Holly Flax
20.
Kevin Malone
45.
Michael Scott
Get lost.
Kevin Malone
Damn it.
Michael Scott
That is how you do it.
Holly Flax
You know we don't have to sell that if you don't want to. If it's a problem with the neon I can have my neon guy take a look.
Michael Scott
You know it's really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price.
Holly Flax
Well we could put it in storage... in case.
Michael Scott
In case... in case of what?
Holly Flax
You know... in case if something changes.
Michael Scott
I don't have an in case. Do you have an in case?
Holly Flax
Nope.
Lady
How much for the slip and slide?
Michael Scott
Get lost.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
(on phone) Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm actually calling because I'm in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you... which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn't a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.

Scene 09

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You're blocking my table with your giant body.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, cause there's a huge line of people waiting in line who want your spinster chotskies.
Kelly Kapoor
Screw you man. People like my stuff.
Dwight Schrute
People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and you're like 'Hey baby let me light a candle' then you pull out this one half used and he's like 'Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.'
Kelly Kapoor
You can take my Helen Fielding collection.
Dwight Schrute
And the Jennifer Weiner collection.

Scene 10

11 lines
Andy Bernard
Oh my gosh, you have the Dallas board game?
Kevin Malone
Yea when I was a kid I was on Dallas.
Andy Bernard
Really?
Kevin Malone
Yea. When I was kid we missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii... I was in heaven.
Darryl Philbin
We should play it.
Andy Bernard
Well... there's no instructions.
Darryl Philbin
It's Dallas the game, we can figure it out.
Kevin Malone
Yea.
Andy Bernard
I'm pretty good at board games.
Darryl Philbin
Well, shall we make it a little interesting?
Andy Bernard
Sure.

Scene 11

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
What is this?
Jim Halpert
How did those get out? I'm sorry.
Dwight Schrute
Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes?
Jim Halpert
I was in Jamaica, and I got lost, and it was getting dark this one night and then out of nowhere with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight he's telling me things about myself that there's no way he could have known.
Dwight Schrute
That's a common swindlers trick.
Jim Halpert
Probably, probably. So I buy some, I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money, he was gone.
Dwight Schrute
So you wanna sell me magic beans. (laughs)
Jim Halpert
Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes.
Dwight Schrute
Nice try. No. Correction. Terrible try.

Scene 12

19 lines
Holly Flax
Michael called Dad?
Holly's Mom
Your friend Michael, yes. What's going on?
Holly Flax
Um, I think I know. But I'll sound stupid if I'm wrong but is Dad there?
Holly's Dad
Holly?
Holly Flax
Hi Dad.
Holly's Dad
There was a program on TV about India.
Holly Flax
Um, ok. Did you connect with Michael?
Holly's Dad
Wanna watch it?
Holly Flax
I... I'm not there Dad, I'm in Pennsylvania.
Holly's Dad
What are you doing there?
Holly Flax
I live here. Um, can I talk to you about Michael?
Holly's Dad
I'll, I'll put your mother on.
Holly Flax
No. No... no Dad.
Holly's Mom
Holly?
Holly Flax
Mom, Dad can't seem to focus on a subject.
Holly's Mom
Don't you worry about him, he's got me.
Holly Flax
Well who do you have?
Holly's Mom
I have your father. He's right here I'll put him on.
Holly Flax
No. Mom?

Scene 13

22 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, which one is decaf?
Pam Beesly
(looks out window) Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott
Hi.
Pam Beesly
Hi.. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael Scott
Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam Beesly
Why do you need more gas?
Michael Scott
Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam Beesly
Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael Scott
I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam Beesly
Are you proposing!?
Michael Scott
Maybe.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Michael Scott
Hey you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam Beesly
Yea. Yea no problem. (runs away)
Michael Scott
Pam.
Pam Beesly
Yep.
Michael Scott
Could you light this please?
Pam Beesly
Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael Scott
I am not in the mood for riddles pam.
Pam Beesly
This is terrible.
Michael Scott
No, this is romantic.
Pam Beesly
You know what? I'm gonna get a hose. Then we'll talk about it. Ok we'll figure it out. Be right back. Just stay there.

Scene 14

1 line
Ryan Howard
Free sample?

Scene 15

1 line
Ryan Howard
My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her 'Mom you should sell this, you'd make a fortune' and she always says 'No it's just for family.' Well finally I was like f*** it, I'll sell it so I'm like 'Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends' and she's like 'uh, ok' ... pesto party? Really? Anyway... she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis... just had that mom look I wanted.

Scene 16

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
You got this kosher certified?
Ryan Howard
No I meant like uh, it's cool, its kosher, it's all good.
Dwight Schrute
Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. (laughs)
Ryan Howard
Thank you. Whatcha got there?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, its just Stanley's old photo album. I'm thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black mans old photo album on my bookshelf. I'm not James Franco.

Scene 17

1 line
Dwight Schrute
things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk for Kelly's crap for Phyllis' garbage for Oscars trash for Stanley's garbage for Ryan's junk for Creed's garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.

Scene 18

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Jim, put those away.
Jim Halpert
(pulls away beans) I'm really sorry. Pam must have put those out.
Dwight Schrute
just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans?
Jim Halpert
They're legumes Dwight, and you're just gonna make fun of me, so why would I... You know what, this ends now. (crumples up beans, stomps on them, and throws them in a box)

Scene 19

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Michael everyone's in the conference room.
Michael Scott
Why?
Pam Beesly
You called the meeting I don't..
Michael Scott
I did?

Scene 20

15 lines
Michael Scott
Ok. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about... recycling.
Pam Beesly
Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
We are a family.
Michael Scott
I could not have agreed with you more.
Pam Beesly
And I've always believed that we should all be involved in everyone's personal lives, in a very major way.
Michael Scott
Yes. Thank you.
Pam Beesly
So about this proposal thing...
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no. My minds made up I am not going to change my mind you can't talk me out of it.
Pam Beesly
Michael, she's perfect for you.
Oscar Martinez
She's the one.
Jim Halpert
She's amazing. This is very exciting.
Pam Beesly
So we just... we wanna help you plan the proposal so that it's safe and responsible and realistic and doable.
Michael Scott
I had a great idea until you ruined it.
Oscar Martinez
Wanna know how to do it? Here's how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a dogs collar, stop, and look at yourself.

Scene 21

16 lines
Andy Bernard
(playing the Dallas board game) Hmm, I'm gonna play me a little ol' black mail card .
Kevin Malone
Nice.
Andy Bernard
And call a proxy meeting to take control of you and oil once and for all.
Kevin Malone
No you cant do that. You cant play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn.
Andy Bernard
Why not. Seems to me we're just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being.
Darryl Philbin
And I'm gonna play this here share the wealth card.
Andy Bernard
Oooh.
Darryl Philbin
Which entitles me to half of both of y'alls money so if you don't mind.
Kevin Malone
no this card is from the wrong game this is from the game of life.
Darryl Philbin
It was in the box.
Andy Bernard
Well played.
Darryl Philbin
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.
Kevin Malone
No but that's not fair.
Andy Bernard
Well that's Dallas.
Darryl Philbin
Dallas indeed.

Scene 22

1 line
Oscar Martinez
What... Ryan, where did you get this picture? (a picture of Oscar on Ryans bottles of salsa)

Scene 23

1 line
Ryan Howard
My mom also makes the best salsa.

Scene 24

7 lines
Holly Flax
This is your moms old stuff?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah mostly.
Holly Flax
How's she doing?
Phyllis Vance
It didn't go down so easy but she's made some friends and it's already better than it was.
Holly Flax
How do you know when its time?
Phyllis Vance
Uh I don't know if you ever know. And if you wait for the day when your parent to comes to you and says 'I cant take care of myself anymore' its never gonna happen. I have a box of bras under the table if you're interested.
Holly Flax
Let me see.

Scene 25

26 lines
Pam Beesly
Ok I think animals and proposals are out. Right Ryan didn't you read in one of your blogs that animals are out?
Ryan Howard
Blogs are out but people are texting each other no more animals
Michael Scott
How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof, it hits the ground, the head pops off, this leads me to the line ' I lost my head when I fell in love with you.'
Jim Halpert
That's a guarantee.
Michael Scott
It's easy enough to get a corpse, you just go to a med school. I already have the ring.
Jim Halpert
Don't think you need the corpse then.
Michael Scott
Heres the ring.
Pam Beesly
Holy s*** is that real?
Michael Scott
Yeah. I saved 3 years salary.
Oscar Martinez
No. (shakes head back and forth)
Michael Scott
Is she not going to like that?
Pam Beesly
No she's going to love it so I think you can keep the proposal simple. You know like when Jim proposed. He just he got down on one knee and he told me that he loved me and he asked me to marry him and it was perfect.
Oscar Martinez
Where was that.
Jim Halpert
At a gas station. (oscar laughs)
Michael Scott
At a gas station?
Jim Halpert
Oh it was when she was working in New York so it was halfway between both of us.
Michael Scott
That mush have been a surprise when... at the gas station you proposed.
Pam Beesly
No it was really it was really sweet. It was raining and..
Michael Scott
Oh yea you didn't say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever.
Jim Halpert
Totally reasonable.
Michael Scott
I just... it's terrifying.
Pam Beesly
She's not gonna say no.
Michael Scott
I know but I'm still scared I don't know why.
Jim Halpert
Cause it's a big deal. I mean.. I knew Pam was gonna say yes but I was still scared.
Pam Beesly
You were scared?
Jim Halpert
Yeah... it.s scary.

Scene 26

15 lines
Michael Scott
Get this... Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him 'Dude this was a prop in my movie.'
Holly Flax
Look I need to talk to you.
Michael Scott
Ok it's because we haven't sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day, people get desperate, and they're gonna pay anything.
Holly Flax
I think I need to go home to Colorado. My dad isn't doing so well.
Michael Scott
Oh ok. For how long?
Holly Flax
I don't know.
Michael Scott
Is he alright?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
You ok?
Holly Flax
Yeah, yeah it's just you know I don't want to go home when he's on his death bed you know, I wanna be there when he's still my dad.
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah well you definitely need to do that.
Holly Flax
And I want you to come with me. Now I know that's a lot to ask of a boyfriend..
Michael Scott
Ok.
Holly Flax
And I was thinking... you know maybe since given our last conversation that we're both ready... Michael Scott will you..
Michael Scott
No, no, shhhhut it. Mhmm. Oh God. Nope, nope, nope.

Scene 27

1 line
Holly Flax
Uh, what?

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.

Scene 29

7 lines
Kevin Malone
Hey guys it's my turn.
Andy Bernard
You cant go, you're dead, I shot you 5 moves ago.
Kevin Malone
Yeah I told you, you can't shoot people.
Darryl Philbin
I told you we're way past rules. We have been for some time now. We start having rules now, everything we built collapses.
Kevin Malone
This is stupid and I want my money back. Where's the money?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah where is it?
Kevin Malone
Ok you know what? I am never ever playing board games with you two again.

Scene 30

1 line
Kevin Malone
And that is Dallas. (shows money)

Scene 31

12 lines
Ryan Howard
Nice.
Jim Halpert
Not bad right. (swinging golf club)
Ryan Howard
Can't really tell the...
Jim Halpert
(to Dwight) Nice.
Dwight Schrute
I know right...(sees Jim's beans) what the?
Jim Halpert
Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute
That... that's impossible.
Jim Halpert
It is right. I mean, it's impossible.
Dwight Schrute
All right, I'll take them.
Jim Halpert
They're probably worthless.
Dwight Schrute
Probably. (walks away with beans)
Jim Halpert
Leave the telescope.

Scene 32

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No, it was this... packet of beans. So I traded the telescope for it. And I can just go buy another telescope.

Scene 33

7 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, how'd we do?
Holly Flax
13 dollars.
Michael Scott
That's great and we still have most of our stuff. Good.
Holly Flax
Listen about earlier ...
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no, lets not talk about that.
Holly Flax
It was wrong to put you in that position and... Michael you are my life now. I'm not going to Colorado.
Michael Scott
Shhhh. Let's go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff.

Scene 34

3 lines
Michael Scott
So this is one of my favorite places in the world.
Holly Flax
Why?
Michael Scott
This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Let's go in here.

Scene 35

4 lines
Michael Scott
This is where we first kissed.
Holly Flax
I remember.
Michael Scott
And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there?
Holly Flax
Michael.. (they both laugh)

Scene 36

3 lines
Michael Scott
Through these blinds is where I first saw you, and you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen. And I was sitting at this desk when I called you to tell you that I had herpes and that I was still in love with you and you said that it was over, and that you didn't love me. Thank goodness none of that was true. Including the herpes.
Holly Flax
Yes.
Michael Scott
In-grown hair.

Scene 37

5 lines
Michael Scott
Right in here... this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember, obesity awareness?
Holly Flax
Mh hmm.
Michael Scott
We saved a lot of lives that day. That's where you first met Michael Klump.
Holly Flax
Oh, I say, I say, I say I sit on you!
Michael Scott
And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn't believe it, you thought it was so wrong.

Scene 38

5 lines
Michael Scott
And over here..
Holly Flax
What happened here?
Michael Scott
Well, nothing. Nothing really. I would just find an excuse to come here so I could stare at you through that window. This is what I'd do. (runs water through hand)
Holly Flax
Nice
Michael Scott
Let's go in here.

Scene 39

29 lines
Holly Flax
(everyone in the office is standing in the kitchen with a lit candle) Hi guys.
Michael Scott
This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this, its just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives.
Jim Halpert
Holly, will you marry me?
Holly Flax
No.
Stanley Hudson
Marry me Holly.
Holly Flax
No.
Michael Scott
That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar Martinez
Will you marry me?
Holly Flax
No.
Michael Scott
That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe Lewis
Will you marry me?
Holly Flax
No.
Michael Scott
Easy no.
Angela Martin
Will you marry me?
Holly Flax
No.
Michael Scott
That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan Howard
Will you marry me Holly?
Holly Flax
No.
Michael Scott
Only one that I was kind of worried about.
Michael Scott
(the area where Holly's desk is is filled with lit candles) This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with.. (fire sprinklers go on) Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
Holly Flax
Your wife becoming me will I. (everyone in the kitchen starts cheering, then enters annex)
Kevin Malone
That's awesome!
Pam Beesly
Congratulations!
Jim Halpert
Congratulations!
Michael Scott
Thank you. So guys, guys, guys. We're moving to Colorado.
Kevin Malone
All of us?
Michael Scott
Yep.
Jim Halpert
Wait, what?
Michael Scott
Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.