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Season 7 Episode 18
Garage Sale

Every line from The Office episode "Garage Sale", season 7 episode 18.

Pam Beesly: Hey Oscar, big Will and Grace fan huh?
Oscar Martinez: No. Everybody assumes I am. I always get them as gifts.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realized we had a lot of things that we really didn't need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves.
Dwight Schrute: People! Look alive. It's showtime. Doors open in 3...2...1.
Jim Halpert: Oh, yikes.
Pam Beesly: It's cold Dwight. Just shut the door and let people come in the front.
Dwight Schrute: It's good that its cold it will drive business inside.
Pam Beesly: The signs will drive people inside.
Dwight Schrute: The warmth will lure people inside.
Andy Bernard: Close it.
Dwight Schrute: This is how business...
Andy Bernard: Close it.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not closing the door.
Andy Bernard: Close it. (starts wrestling Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: Stop it.
Andy Bernard: Just close it.
Dwight Schrute: Uh oh, looks like someone's sign is a little crooked. Uh, looks awful. Need a thumb tack?
Meredith Palmer: Sure.
Dwight Schrute: Not so fast.
Dwight Schrute: Schrute's are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here.
Dwight Schrute: I will trade you for the used candle.
Meredith Palmer: Forget you.
Dwight Schrute: Come on, its trash, like your sign, unless you have this.
Meredith Palmer: Fine, just give it.
Dwight Schrute: That's how it's done.
Kevin Malone: Woah, I love her. How much for that?
Michael Scott: I uh... I actually don't know why I brought that because It's kind of priceless.
Holly Flax: 10 dollars.
Michael Scott: Mhmm, no I paid 500 dollars for that.
Kevin Malone: 200.
Michael Scott: 500.
Holly Flax: 20.
Kevin Malone: 45.
Michael Scott: Get lost.
Kevin Malone: Damn it.
Michael Scott: That is how you do it.
Holly Flax: You know we don't have to sell that if you don't want to. If it's a problem with the neon I can have my neon guy take a look.
Michael Scott: You know it's really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price.
Holly Flax: Well we could put it in storage... in case.
Michael Scott: In case... in case of what?
Holly Flax: You know... in case if something changes.
Michael Scott: I don't have an in case. Do you have an in case?
Holly Flax: Nope.
Lady: How much for the slip and slide?
Michael Scott: Get lost.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter's boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm actually calling because I'm in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you... which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn't a joke. So call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you.
Kelly Kapoor: Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You're blocking my table with your giant body.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, cause there's a huge line of people waiting in line who want your spinster chotskies.
Kelly Kapoor: Screw you man. People like my stuff.
Dwight Schrute: People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and you're like 'Hey baby let me light a candle' then you pull out this one half used and he's like 'Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.'
Kelly Kapoor: You can take my Helen Fielding collection.
Dwight Schrute: And the Jennifer Weiner collection.
Andy Bernard: Oh my gosh, you have the Dallas board game?
Kevin Malone: Yea when I was a kid I was on Dallas.
Andy Bernard: Really?
Kevin Malone: Yea. When I was kid we missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii... I was in heaven.
Darryl Philbin: We should play it.
Andy Bernard: Well... there's no instructions.
Darryl Philbin: It's Dallas the game, we can figure it out.
Kevin Malone: Yea.
Andy Bernard: I'm pretty good at board games.
Darryl Philbin: Well, shall we make it a little interesting?
Andy Bernard: Sure.
Dwight Schrute: What is this?
Jim Halpert: How did those get out? I'm sorry.
Dwight Schrute: Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes?
Jim Halpert: I was in Jamaica, and I got lost, and it was getting dark this one night and then out of nowhere with a cart and he's selling these. Dwight he's telling me things about myself that there's no way he could have known.
Dwight Schrute: That's a common swindlers trick.
Jim Halpert: Probably, probably. So I buy some, I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money, he was gone.
Dwight Schrute: So you wanna sell me magic beans. (laughs)
Jim Halpert: Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield's Miracle Legumes.
Dwight Schrute: Nice try. No. Correction. Terrible try.
Holly Flax: Michael called Dad?
Holly's Mom: Your friend Michael, yes. What's going on?
Holly Flax: Um, I think I know. But I'll sound stupid if I'm wrong but is Dad there?
Holly's Dad: Holly?
Holly Flax: Hi Dad.
Holly's Dad: There was a program on TV about India.
Holly Flax: Um, ok. Did you connect with Michael?
Holly's Dad: Wanna watch it?
Holly Flax: I... I'm not there Dad, I'm in Pennsylvania.
Holly's Dad: What are you doing there?
Holly Flax: I live here. Um, can I talk to you about Michael?
Holly's Dad: I'll, I'll put your mother on.
Holly Flax: No. No... no Dad.
Holly's Mom: Holly?
Holly Flax: Mom, Dad can't seem to focus on a subject.
Holly's Mom: Don't you worry about him, he's got me.
Holly Flax: Well who do you have?
Holly's Mom: I have your father. He's right here I'll put him on.
Holly Flax: No. Mom?
Pam Beesly: Oh, which one is decaf?
Pam Beesly: (looks out window) Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: Hi.
Pam Beesly: Hi.. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael Scott: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam Beesly: Why do you need more gas?
Michael Scott: Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam Beesly: Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael Scott: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam Beesly: Are you proposing!?
Michael Scott: Maybe.
Pam Beesly: Wow.
Michael Scott: Hey you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam Beesly: Yea. Yea no problem. (runs away)
Michael Scott: Pam.
Pam Beesly: Yep.
Michael Scott: Could you light this please?
Pam Beesly: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael Scott: I am not in the mood for riddles pam.
Pam Beesly: This is terrible.
Michael Scott: No, this is romantic.
Pam Beesly: You know what? I'm gonna get a hose. Then we'll talk about it. Ok we'll figure it out. Be right back. Just stay there.
Ryan Howard: Free sample?
Ryan Howard: My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her 'Mom you should sell this, you'd make a fortune' and she always says 'No it's just for family.' Well finally I was like f*** it, I'll sell it so I'm like 'Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends' and she's like 'uh, ok' ... pesto party? Really? Anyway... she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis... just had that mom look I wanted.
Dwight Schrute: You got this kosher certified?
Ryan Howard: No I meant like uh, it's cool, its kosher, it's all good.
Dwight Schrute: Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. (laughs)
Ryan Howard: Thank you. Whatcha got there?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, its just Stanley's old photo album. I'm thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black mans old photo album on my bookshelf. I'm not James Franco.
Dwight Schrute: things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk for Kelly's crap for Phyllis' garbage for Oscars trash for Stanley's garbage for Ryan's junk for Creed's garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, put those away.
Jim Halpert: (pulls away beans) I'm really sorry. Pam must have put those out.
Dwight Schrute: just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans?
Jim Halpert: They're legumes Dwight, and you're just gonna make fun of me, so why would I... You know what, this ends now. (crumples up beans, stomps on them, and throws them in a box)
Pam Beesly: Hey Michael everyone's in the conference room.
Michael Scott: Why?
Pam Beesly: You called the meeting I don't..
Michael Scott: I did?
Michael Scott: Ok. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about... recycling.
Pam Beesly: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam Beesly: We are a family.
Michael Scott: I could not have agreed with you more.
Pam Beesly: And I've always believed that we should all be involved in everyone's personal lives, in a very major way.
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you.
Pam Beesly: So about this proposal thing...
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. My minds made up I am not going to change my mind you can't talk me out of it.
Pam Beesly: Michael, she's perfect for you.
Oscar Martinez: She's the one.
Jim Halpert: She's amazing. This is very exciting.
Pam Beesly: So we just... we wanna help you plan the proposal so that it's safe and responsible and realistic and doable.
Michael Scott: I had a great idea until you ruined it.
Oscar Martinez: Wanna know how to do it? Here's how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a dogs collar, stop, and look at yourself.
Andy Bernard: (playing the Dallas board game) Hmm, I'm gonna play me a little ol' black mail card .
Kevin Malone: Nice.
Andy Bernard: And call a proxy meeting to take control of you and oil once and for all.
Kevin Malone: No you cant do that. You cant play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn.
Andy Bernard: Why not. Seems to me we're just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being.
Darryl Philbin: And I'm gonna play this here share the wealth card.
Andy Bernard: Oooh.
Darryl Philbin: Which entitles me to half of both of y'alls money so if you don't mind.
Kevin Malone: no this card is from the wrong game this is from the game of life.
Darryl Philbin: It was in the box.
Andy Bernard: Well played.
Darryl Philbin: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot.
Kevin Malone: No but that's not fair.
Andy Bernard: Well that's Dallas.
Darryl Philbin: Dallas indeed.
Oscar Martinez: What... Ryan, where did you get this picture? (a picture of Oscar on Ryans bottles of salsa)
Ryan Howard: My mom also makes the best salsa.
Holly Flax: This is your moms old stuff?
Phyllis Vance: Yeah mostly.
Holly Flax: How's she doing?
Phyllis Vance: It didn't go down so easy but she's made some friends and it's already better than it was.
Holly Flax: How do you know when its time?
Phyllis Vance: Uh I don't know if you ever know. And if you wait for the day when your parent to comes to you and says 'I cant take care of myself anymore' its never gonna happen. I have a box of bras under the table if you're interested.
Holly Flax: Let me see.
Pam Beesly: Ok I think animals and proposals are out. Right Ryan didn't you read in one of your blogs that animals are out?
Ryan Howard: Blogs are out but people are texting each other no more animals
Michael Scott: How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof, it hits the ground, the head pops off, this leads me to the line ' I lost my head when I fell in love with you.'
Jim Halpert: That's a guarantee.
Michael Scott: It's easy enough to get a corpse, you just go to a med school. I already have the ring.
Jim Halpert: Don't think you need the corpse then.
Michael Scott: Heres the ring.
Pam Beesly: Holy s*** is that real?
Michael Scott: Yeah. I saved 3 years salary.
Oscar Martinez: No. (shakes head back and forth)
Michael Scott: Is she not going to like that?
Pam Beesly: No she's going to love it so I think you can keep the proposal simple. You know like when Jim proposed. He just he got down on one knee and he told me that he loved me and he asked me to marry him and it was perfect.
Oscar Martinez: Where was that.
Jim Halpert: At a gas station. (oscar laughs)
Michael Scott: At a gas station?
Jim Halpert: Oh it was when she was working in New York so it was halfway between both of us.
Michael Scott: That mush have been a surprise when... at the gas station you proposed.
Pam Beesly: No it was really it was really sweet. It was raining and..
Michael Scott: Oh yea you didn't say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever.
Jim Halpert: Totally reasonable.
Michael Scott: I just... it's terrifying.
Pam Beesly: She's not gonna say no.
Michael Scott: I know but I'm still scared I don't know why.
Jim Halpert: Cause it's a big deal. I mean.. I knew Pam was gonna say yes but I was still scared.
Pam Beesly: You were scared?
Jim Halpert: Yeah... it.s scary.
Michael Scott: Get this... Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him 'Dude this was a prop in my movie.'
Holly Flax: Look I need to talk to you.
Michael Scott: Ok it's because we haven't sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day, people get desperate, and they're gonna pay anything.
Holly Flax: I think I need to go home to Colorado. My dad isn't doing so well.
Michael Scott: Oh ok. For how long?
Holly Flax: I don't know.
Michael Scott: Is he alright?
Holly Flax: Yeah.
Michael Scott: You ok?
Holly Flax: Yeah, yeah it's just you know I don't want to go home when he's on his death bed you know, I wanna be there when he's still my dad.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah well you definitely need to do that.
Holly Flax: And I want you to come with me. Now I know that's a lot to ask of a boyfriend..
Michael Scott: Ok.
Holly Flax: And I was thinking... you know maybe since given our last conversation that we're both ready... Michael Scott will you..
Michael Scott: No, no, shhhhut it. Mhmm. Oh God. Nope, nope, nope.
Holly Flax: Uh, what?
Michael Scott: No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.
Kevin Malone: Hey guys it's my turn.
Andy Bernard: You cant go, you're dead, I shot you 5 moves ago.
Kevin Malone: Yeah I told you, you can't shoot people.
Darryl Philbin: I told you we're way past rules. We have been for some time now. We start having rules now, everything we built collapses.
Kevin Malone: This is stupid and I want my money back. Where's the money?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah where is it?
Kevin Malone: Ok you know what? I am never ever playing board games with you two again.
Kevin Malone: And that is Dallas. (shows money)
Ryan Howard: Nice.
Jim Halpert: Not bad right. (swinging golf club)
Ryan Howard: Can't really tell the...
Jim Halpert: (to Dwight) Nice.
Dwight Schrute: I know right...(sees Jim's beans) what the?
Jim Halpert: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: That... that's impossible.
Jim Halpert: It is right. I mean, it's impossible.
Dwight Schrute: All right, I'll take them.
Jim Halpert: They're probably worthless.
Dwight Schrute: Probably. (walks away with beans)
Jim Halpert: Leave the telescope.
Dwight Schrute: I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No, it was this... packet of beans. So I traded the telescope for it. And I can just go buy another telescope.
Michael Scott: Hey, how'd we do?
Holly Flax: 13 dollars.
Michael Scott: That's great and we still have most of our stuff. Good.
Holly Flax: Listen about earlier ...
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, lets not talk about that.
Holly Flax: It was wrong to put you in that position and... Michael you are my life now. I'm not going to Colorado.
Michael Scott: Shhhh. Let's go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff.
Michael Scott: So this is one of my favorite places in the world.
Holly Flax: Why?
Michael Scott: This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Let's go in here.
Michael Scott: This is where we first kissed.
Holly Flax: I remember.
Michael Scott: And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there?
Holly Flax: Michael.. (they both laugh)
Michael Scott: Through these blinds is where I first saw you, and you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen. And I was sitting at this desk when I called you to tell you that I had herpes and that I was still in love with you and you said that it was over, and that you didn't love me. Thank goodness none of that was true. Including the herpes.
Holly Flax: Yes.
Michael Scott: In-grown hair.
Michael Scott: Right in here... this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember, obesity awareness?
Holly Flax: Mh hmm.
Michael Scott: We saved a lot of lives that day. That's where you first met Michael Klump.
Holly Flax: Oh, I say, I say, I say I sit on you!
Michael Scott: And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn't believe it, you thought it was so wrong.
Michael Scott: And over here..
Holly Flax: What happened here?
Michael Scott: Well, nothing. Nothing really. I would just find an excuse to come here so I could stare at you through that window. This is what I'd do. (runs water through hand)
Holly Flax: Nice
Michael Scott: Let's go in here.
Holly Flax: (everyone in the office is standing in the kitchen with a lit candle) Hi guys.
Michael Scott: This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this, its just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives.
Jim Halpert: Holly, will you marry me?
Holly Flax: No.
Stanley Hudson: Marry me Holly.
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar Martinez: Will you marry me?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe Lewis: Will you marry me?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: Easy no.
Angela Martin: Will you marry me?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan Howard: Will you marry me Holly?
Holly Flax: No.
Michael Scott: Only one that I was kind of worried about.
Michael Scott: (the area where Holly's desk is is filled with lit candles) This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with.. (fire sprinklers go on) Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
Holly Flax: Your wife becoming me will I. (everyone in the kitchen starts cheering, then enters annex)
Kevin Malone: That's awesome!
Pam Beesly: Congratulations!
Jim Halpert: Congratulations!
Michael Scott: Thank you. So guys, guys, guys. We're moving to Colorado.
Kevin Malone: All of us?
Michael Scott: Yep.
Jim Halpert: Wait, what?
Michael Scott: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 18 season 7. Garage Sale is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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