Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Training Day

Vol. 7 · Issue 19Scranton, PA

Check out every line from the moment Deangelo Vickers arrives in Scranton to replace Michael Scott. From the "Babies I Don't Care About" comment to the awkward shaving scene, the full script covers all the cringey highlights. You can find all the best quotes and dialogue from the start of the post-Michael era right here.

Scene 01

23 lines
Michael Scott
Kahlua Sombrero, please.
Waiter
All right, so just you tonight?
Michael Scott
Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I'm a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years.
Deangelo Vickers
I'll drink to that. I'm starting at a company this week.
Michael Scott
Oh, really?
Deangelo Vickers
To begginings and endings.
Michael Scott
And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Deangelo Vickers
The moms and the troops.
Michael Scott
Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
Deangelo Vickers
(laughs) I won't... I don't know her.
Michael Scott
I'm moving out to the burbs... actually, I'm moving further than the burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
Deangelo Vickers
Colorado! The sunshine state.
Michael Scott
Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.
Deangelo Vickers
Doing some skiing?
Michael Scott
No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Deangelo Vickers
Well that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
Michael Scott
You know, I would like to try the luge, through.
Deangelo Vickers
Try it once, you're hooked. That's my guess.
Michael Scott
That's what I've heard.
Deangelo Vickers
I'm an olympics nut.
Michael Scott
Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?
Deangelo & Michael
(in unison) Summer!
Deangelo Vickers
(holds out fist) Knuckles! Actually, I gotta come around and give you...

Scene 02

26 lines
Deangelo Vickers
You know, it's funny, I tried to get an animal olympics going.
Michael Scott
Really? What happened?
Deangelo Vickers
You know, life happened. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?
Michael Scott
Oh... wow. The mountains. Where things are.
Deangelo Vickers
That's the way it goes.
Michael Scott
Man, he is late. I'm gonna call him. Do you mind? I'm sorry. (calls Deangelo, Deangelo's phone vibrates)
Deangelo Vickers
Excuse me. Hello? You running late?
Michael Scott
No, I'm here. I'm right... I'm at the bar.
Deangelo Vickers
I'm at the bar too.
Michael Scott
You are? What bar?
Deangelo Vickers
I'm at the bar. The bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel.
Michael Scott
I... do not see you.
Deangelo Vickers
How long have you...
Michael Scott
I'm been here about... gosh, over half an hour.
Deangelo Vickers
Ok, me too.
Deangelo & Michael
(looking up from phones in unison) Sorry...
Michael Scott
What're you wearing?
Deangelo Vickers
I am wearing a grey suit, red tie.
Michael Scott
Are we both at the right place?
Deangelo Vickers
Which place?
Michael Scott
I hear your voice.
Deangelo Vickers
I hear your voice, I see your lips moving.
Michael Scott
I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! (holds out hand) Michael Scott.
Deangelo Vickers
Deangelo Vickers.
Michael Scott
Wow... that is insane! (laughter)
Deangelo Vickers
That is insane, that is the right term. Let's get some Vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend.

Scene 03

3 lines
Michael Scott
(entering Dunder Mifflin offices) Here we go! Are you ready?
Deangelo Vickers
I am ready.
Michael Scott
Alright! Here we go!

Scene 04

2 lines
Michael Scott
This is it. What do you think?
Deangelo Vickers
Oh, she'll do. She'll do just fine.

Scene 05

3 lines
Deangelo Vickers
I am very much looking forward to tommorow. It feels like the culmanation of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune...
Michael Scott
(pops up from below camera, and runs out of room)
Deangelo Vickers
Did that? Did that just happen?! (runs after Michael) We should.. we should write a movie or something! I'm serious!

Scene 06

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Michael is leaving. And apparently they've already hired a new manager. And we're meeting him today. It's a lot to process. Paperwork wise.

Scene 07

1 line
Kevin Malone
(wearing wig) Nope! It's not Ashton Kutcher. It's Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart! (winks)

Scene 08

6 lines
Michael Scott
Ok, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for it's own sake. So, without further ado, let's start clapping! Presenting Deangelo Vickers!
Deangelo Vickers
(blinds roll down, Deangelo waving)
Michael Scott
Come on out!
Deangelo Vickers
Hello! (opens door) How are you sir?
Michael Scott
I am well, sir, how are you?
Deangelo Vickers
Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy, something I live with, it's a part of me. I've learned to cope with it. What else, I'm just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a-

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.

Scene 10

8 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(drops papers as Deangelo walks by) I'll get that you guys. Don't... it's just... you know...
Deangelo Vickers
(picks up paper) I'll help you.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, hi! (obviously flirting body language)
Deangelo Vickers
Hello!
Kelly Kapoor
Have we met before?
Deangelo Vickers
No, not officially, actually, I saw you walking out of the bathroom before.
Kelly Kapoor
Well, I guess I'll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you.
Deangelo Vickers
(offers Kelly the papers as she walks away)

Scene 11

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
And that is what you call a meet cute.

Scene 12

9 lines
Michael Scott
And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it's Deangelo the whole time!
Darryl Philbin
Kind of embarassing.
Angela Martin
Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid.
Michael Scott
I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy!
Deangelo Vickers
Oh. (chuckles) That was... let's see, where's my replacement? Where's the guy I'm replacing? Why don't I look to the left? He's sitting right there! (office laughs)
Michael Scott
Oh yeah... I know... that's what I was just saying... that's what...
Deangelo Vickers
(silences Michael)
Andy Bernard
That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. (holds up 'Hello, my name is..,') nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself.
Deangelo Vickers
(laughs) Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around!

Scene 13

1 line
Andy Bernard
I wasn't even trying to make a joke. But I guess I've always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted.

Scene 14

8 lines
Michael Scott
This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes.
Pam Beesly
Well, it wasn't an affair.
Michael Scott
Yes it was.
Pam Beesly
But, no, but we are a family.
Jim Halpert
(points to picture of Cecelia) We made that.
Pam Beesly
Cecelia.
Deangelo Vickers
Well, congratulations. I have four kids of my own.
Pam Beesly
Really? Oh, my gosh! We just have the one, but she poops for four. (laughs)

Scene 15

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss!
Jim Halpert
Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies.

Scene 16

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Thanks for meeting me.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding? I'd come anywhere to see a turtle? Where'd you find him.
Dwight Schrute
There's no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here.
Michael Scott
You know me very well, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
That's because I'm your right-hand man, Michael, but I can't do it again. I can't do it again for a whole new guy.
Michael Scott
Now I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I'll be off all day.
Dwight Schrute
I want to be manager. I just don't understand why I wasn't even interviewed for the job. What's wrong? I was totally qualified, you were pushing for me.

Scene 17

5 lines
Meredith Palmer
That apple looks delic!
Deangelo Vickers
I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calor intake under 1200. (laughter)
Stanley Hudson
Deangelo, you're going to starve to death. (laughter)
Michael Scott
So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!
Darryl Philbin
It's cool that you like the southwest. It's one of my favorite regions.

Scene 18

1 line
Darryl Philbin
It's one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good.

Scene 19

7 lines
Darryl Philbin
I love the desert. It's one of my favorite ecosystems.
Deangelo Vickers
Here's the great thing about the southwest; there's so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you've ever seen.
Kevin Malone
Burnt! It's lush, dummie. Hey, Deangelo, what do you think of bald people? I hate them.
Angela Martin
Deangelo, I forget, did you mention you like politics?
Deangelo Vickers
I did not.
Angela Martin
Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend, he's a state senator. I really think the two of you would hit it off. He's a great person to know.
Deangelo Vickers
Sounds very interesting, thank you.

Scene 20

20 lines
Erin Hannon
Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Ok, let me transfer you.
Deangelo Vickers
Why do you use your name when you use the phone?
Erin Hannon
Oh, that's how Pam does it. I just copy her. She's sort of a living legend.
Deangelo Vickers
Try it without using your name.
Erin Hannon
Dunder Mifflin, this is... oh, I like it!
Deangelo Vickers
Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you?
Erin Hannon
Oh, assist.
Michael Scott
I sorta like the old way.
Deangelo Vickers
I just prefer it without the name and I thought- I've got to start doing some managing at some point.
Michael Scott
I know, I know, I'm sorry, but if it's not a big deal we should just-
Deangelo Vickers
And it really isn't.
Michael Scott
Is that good?
Erin Hannon
Yeah, ok, good.
Deangelo Vickers
Well, I'd like to change it, actually.
Michael Scott
Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work.
Erin Hannon
What do you think?
Deangelo Vickers
I think a change would be nice.
Michael Scott
You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. (phone rings)
Deangelo Vickers
(whispering) Change it.
Erin Hannon
(picks up phone) ...I'm so sorry. Sorry. (hangs up)

Scene 21

6 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Hey, funny guy. Wanna have a little mid-day lawl here. Make me laugh, huh? What you got? I can't even look at you.
Andy Bernard
Here we go... ok... what do African Americans call... (laughter)
Erin Hannon
Deangelo, did you order a barber?
Deangelo Vickers
Oh, yeah. Put a pin on that, kid. Can't wait to hear the punchline.
Darryl Philbin
Finish the joke, Andy. What do African Americans call?
Andy Bernard
I... don't know. Help me.

Scene 22

25 lines
Ryan Howard
(a barber enters the office for Deangelo) That is so badass. So hardcore.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, real cool. Real power move.
Deangelo Vickers
I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me.
Michael Scott
(to Erin) Shave me. (walks into office with Deangelo) This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!
Deangelo Vickers
Ok, alright! I love it! I love it! Michael, this is Reggie. He is the #1 yelp reviewed shaver in Scranton. It's not even close.
Michael Scott
And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. (Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael's face, none on the neck)
Deangelo Vickers
Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice, doesn't it?
Michael Scott
It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah, that is nice.
Oscar Martinez
You wanted to talk to us Deangelo?
Deangelo Vickers
Ah, yes, please! Just cozy up there. Just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups.
Michael Scott
Well, we don't really do rap sessions. We kinda do... (Erin shaves Michael) god... we sorta do more of like powwows or-
Deangelo Vickers
Ok, then, powwows then, fine.
Michael Scott
That's-
Pam Beesly
Hey, Deangelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece, it is so adorable.
Jim Halpert
Alright, wait, little bit of backstory, she loves dogs. She calls them 'da-das'.
Pam Beesly
Da-das.
Jim Halpert
And what happens here is-
Deangelo Vickers
You know what, enough about your baby, ok? I'm sorry.
Jim Halpert
We were... I think she was just trying to-
Deangelo Vickers
No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it. I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better?
Michael Scott
You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can't say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something.
Oscar Martinez
Well, Deangelo, I'd say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent.
Michael Scott
Ok, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don't even really have to worry about.
Erin Hannon
Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips.
Michael Scott
Don't shave my lips.

Scene 23

2 lines
Deangelo Vickers
(Andy walks into room) What's up?
Andy Bernard
I don't mean to go into a rant here, but...

Scene 24

1 line
Andy Bernard
I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny.

Scene 25

5 lines
Andy Bernard
...I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don't. I'm thinking, 'how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.
Deangelo Vickers
Let's not talk politics in the office, ok? I like you better as a funny guy.
Andy Bernard
(leans on table) I wasn't taking a position. It's just one of those things where- (table collapses under Andy)
Deangelo Vickers
(laughter) Now that's funny! That's funny! You walk much?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, right, I mean- (walks into door, jokingly)

Scene 26

11 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Little click...
Erin Hannon
(pushing box into office) Deangelo, this box came for you.
Deangelo Vickers
Thank you. That's my stuff. Yeah. Michael, take a look at this.
Stanley Hudson
Need a hand?
Deangelo Vickers
Oh, that'd be great, thank you Stanley!
Michael Scott
You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so... you know, let's not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I'm still here-
Ryan Howard
(holds up painting of desert to office, who are impressed)
Michael Scott
I still have to look at this stuff, guys.
Darryl Philbin
So this is a ten-gallon hat, huh?
Deangelo Vickers
Yep, ten-gallon hat. Technically, it only holds about three quartz. Little factoid.
Kevin Malone
Interesting.

Scene 27

1 line
Michael Scott
Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a great fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.

Scene 28

4 lines
Darryl's sister
(holds out cowboy boots for Darryl)
Darryl Philbin
Cool, cool. Alright, see you later.
Darryl's sister
Hey, hey, hey! (holds up set of pistols in holsters)
Darryl Philbin
No, I'm good. Keep them.

Scene 29

5 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Hey, funny man! Whatcha got for me? Make me laugh?
Andy Bernard
(mimes using a rope to pull himself forward to microwave) Let's see if they have my favorite teas in here... (throws tea packets into air, puts hand in unplugged toaster, pretends to be shocked, takes container of cheese-puffs and throws them into air, pours hot coffee on his pants)
Deangelo Vickers
(laughs) Drink some soap!
Andy Bernard
(drinks hand soap)
Deangelo Vickers
(laughter and applause)

Scene 30

1 line
Andy Bernard
I guess this is my life now.

Scene 31

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
How do I become a manger at Sabre?
Gabe Lewis
First thing's first, thank you for coming here directly. I know you could have called Tallahassee but they would've just looped back to me, so, it's cool you recognized my role here.
Dwight Schrute
I left a message at corporate.
Gabe Lewis
Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. That'll put you right on the shortlist for next time there's an opening.
Dwight Schrute
Can't you just use the recommendation you already have on file?
Gabe Lewis
What recommendation?
Dwight Schrute
From when he recommended me to replace him.
Gabe Lewis
...I'm sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations.

Scene 32

34 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Best whale watching: easily the west coast. If you're going whale watching on the East Coast, you might wanna bring a magazine called "West Coast Whales'. (laughter) Because you're not gonna see them-
Michael Scott
(interrupting Deangelo) Snack time! It's the witching hour! It's the sandwitching hour!
Kevin Malone
Awesome!
Phyllis Vance
Mmm, whatcha got?
Michael Scott
PB and J, my mom's recipe! (throws sandwitch at Phyllis)
Angela Martin
Michael! Deangelo has a peanut allergy.
Deangelo Vickers
I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts.
Stanley Hudson
What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
Michael Scott
I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go! (throws sandwitch into Kevin's open mouth)
Oscar Martinez
Michael, this is serious! Do you know what happens if Deangelo touches a peanut?
Michael Scott
What?
Deangelo Vickers
Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut, I was itchy for three days, ok? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.
Jim Halpert
Wait, so, you don't go into shock or die or anything?
Deangelo Vickers
No, Jim, not everything is life or death. I want to feel comfortable.
Michael Scott
Oscar, here you go. (throws sandwitch)
Deangelo Vickers
(uses book to stop the sandwitch's flight) You're getting nut particles all in the air!
Michael Scott
No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.
Deangelo Vickers
(steps into conference room) Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multi-purpose room, now.
Michael Scott
No, that's good. You just stay in there, stay in there by yourself, loser. No body go in. (disgusted comments by co-workers) No body go in there. Stay where you are.
Oscar Martinez
Michael, This is insane.
Michael Scott
No, it's not insane, Oscar. I'm been here for 19 years, and just because someone else is called the boss, you're gonna throw it all away? No.
Jim Halpert
Listen, you're the one who decided to leave. Come on, he's the new boss, you know we have to do this.
Michael Scott
Well, who needs him. Guess it's just you and me, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Correction. Just you. Alright, meeting. Multi-function room.
Deangelo Vickers
(walks out) Hold on, Hey Michael, Michael, wait up, hold on. Um, so for these meetings do you just jump into business or do you start with some chit-chat or...?
Michael Scott
I start with some chit-chat and a maybe a couple of jokes. And you might want to develop a couple of characters. You know what, you'll be fine.
Deangelo Vickers
Maybe. Maybe not. 50/50. You know what, it is too bad for this place that you're leaving. (extents hands for hug) Bring it in, come on. (Michael doesn't accept hug) Ok. (walks back)
Michael Scott
Ok. (hugs Deangelo from behind) Why did you have to be so damn good?
Deangelo Vickers
I... I'm adequete. I'm half as good as you.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. Come on. You are good, they know it.
Deangelo Vickers
Will you do me a favour and enjoy this time, ok? You've worked so hard, get your senioritis on. It's Lake Havasu time!
Michael Scott
Guess I've been working so hard I forgot what it's like to be hardly working.
Deangelo Vickers
Ok. What is the Native American girl's name?
Michael Scott
You'll figure it out.

Scene 33

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Deangelo! Wanna meet Cece?
Deangelo Vickers
That's a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute.
Jim Halpert
Thank you very much.

Scene 34

2 lines
Pam Beesly
See, we knew it! If he just met her, he'd understand.
Jim Halpert
We're back in! Right?

Scene 35

1 line
Deangelo Vickers
I swear, that baby could be the star of a show entitled 'Babys I Don't Care About.'