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Season 7 Episode 2

Every line from The Office episode "Counseling", season 7 episode 2.

Dwight Schrute: Wow. Late every day this week.
Pam Beesly: We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic...
Dwight Schrute: Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?
Jim Halpert: Is there really?
Dwight Schrute: Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... Ha ha ha (laughing maniacally) Well I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea.
Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.
Jim Halpert: Aaah!
Mose: Aaah!
Dwight Schrute: You remember my cousin Mose.
Mose: Welcome children.
Pam Beesly: Were you painting in the dark?
Jim Halpert: Wait. Is this your place Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?
Pam Beesly: I don't really think we need...
Jim Halpert: Oh... lets take the tour Pam.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. (pause) I see you found out magical toy box Jim.
Jim Halpert: These are actually forks and knives from the break room.
Dwight Schrute: Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork.
Pam Beesly: And a soy sauce packet.
Dwight Schrute: Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.
Jim Halpert: Don't beat yourself up.
Dwight Schrute: We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success.
Jim Halpert: Who will be watching the children?
Dwight Schrute: No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.
Jim Halpert: Prove it.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Jim Halpert: Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works.
Dwight Schrute: Oh no, no, no.
Jim Halpert: But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good.
Dwight Schrute: I promise you, that door locks! (Jim closes the door)
Toby Flenderson: What's something that you...
Michael Scott: This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell.
Toby Flenderson: Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here.
Michael Scott: I know what you want to ask me. "Did your mom ever see you naked?"
Toby Flenderson: We can do this with more privacy.
Michael Scott: So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key.
Dwight Schrute: Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall!
Phyllis Vance: The mall itself or just the stores in the mall?
Dwight Schrute: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks!
Ryan Howard: America is one big mall.
Jim Halpert: Did something happen Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim.
Andy Bernard: Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board.
Dwight Schrute: You don't want to know.
Toby Flenderson: I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons.
Phyllis Vance: I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Look, I'm not going to tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you? Ok, well let me know if anything changes.
Jim Halpert: Pam?
Pam Beesly: I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene, or whatever it is. Tell me everything is going to be ok.
Jim Halpert: Everything is going to be ok.
Pam Beesly: Tell me I'm good at sales.
Jim Halpert: You're good... you're good at sales.
Pam Beesly: The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair.
Andy Bernard: Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: What?
Andy Bernard: Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the "F" word?
Dwight Schrute: Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients.
Stanley Hudson: No you will not.
Dwight Schrute: Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt, ok! They're "appearance"ists!
Jim Halpert: Ok, Dwight. We can't do that. So why don't you just tell us what happened?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, what happened Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things, but there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the Mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall...
Pam Beesly: So what happened?
Dwight Schrute: I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms.
Kelly Kapoor: You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to "Pretty Woman" their asses.
Creed Bratton: We should start our own mall!
Erin Hannon: Yeah!
Jim Halpert: Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: What did I say?
Kelly Kapoor: I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, how about this? Instead of boycotting, you and I, together, go down to that store and we teach those snobs a lesson.
Andy Bernard: No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you.
Dwight Schrute: Ok
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Andy Bernard: Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? (removes cuff link) How about now? (removes other cuff link) How about now? (removes tie clip) How about now?
Toby Flenderson: Uh... what was your favorite flavor of...
Michael Scott: One hour.
Toby Flenderson: What?
Michael Scott: One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today.
Toby Flenderson: Ok, I can't count the hour if you don't talk.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time.
Toby Flenderson: Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, and I can't do that unless I honestly...
Michael Scott: You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me?
Toby Flenderson: Tell me!
Toby Flenderson: I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby.
Dwight Schrute: Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl...
Andy Bernard: Pretty Woman.
Dwight Schrute: Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...?
Jim Halpert: No, no. I want to hear you tell it.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, Um... The sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the "trappings" of extravagant wealth, but instead of going...
Andy Bernard: Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like," I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me." And the shop girl goes, "ok". And Julia Roberts goes," You girls work on commission, right?" And the girl is like,"Yeah", and Julia Roberts goes...
Kelly Kapoor: "Big mistake! Huge!"
Andy Bernard: I was telling that... I was telling that.
Stanley Hudson: How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok, sure.
Window treatment guy: Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments?
Erin Hannon: I don't know.
Window treatment guy: Is one of you the office administrator?
Pam Beesly: (hesitates) I am. I am the office administrator!
Window treatment guy: Can I show you a few samples?
Pam Beesly: Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all.
Pam Beesly: There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work.
Michael Scott: Toby, can I really tell you anything?
Toby Flenderson: Of course.
Michael Scott: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half.
Oscar Martinez: Office Administrator. So when did this happen?
Pam Beesly: A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, totally. Well, congrats!
Pam Beesly: Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right?
Oscar Martinez: Totally, that's great.
Pam Beesly: I get paid $40,000 per year.
Oscar Martinez: Great.
Pam Beesly: Maybe $50,000.
Oscar Martinez: $50,000?
Pam Beesly: No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500.
Oscar Martinez: That's great.
Jim Halpert: Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around. Now, today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman.
Andy Bernard: A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.
Stanley Hudson: Is he still doing his boycott?
Jim Halpert: No, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor: You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.
Jim Halpert: Agreed.
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Oscar Martinez: Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching.
Dwight Schrute: Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?
Ryan Howard: The glasses are a little... (Dwight drops glasses to the floor, stomps on them)
Pam Beesly: I liked them.
Kelly Kapoor: I thought they were kind of cute.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, I liked them too.
Dwight Schrute: I can't see.
Darryl Philbin: Say stuff like, "Good morning, Good Afternoon". People appreciate that.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, I see you every day. Can I say "Good month?"
Darryl Philbin: I'm telling you how to do this man.
Andy Bernard: If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you.
Angela Martin: Please and thank you go a long way.
Dwight Schrute: Copy. Thank you.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Please.
Andy Bernard: (in a cockney accent) I think he's got it!
Michael Scott: And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? (howls and growls like a werewolf)
Toby Flenderson: Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories.
Michael Scott: Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? (pause) Three hours. We're half way done.
Toby Flenderson: Oh.
Pam Beesly: Hey, do you have a second?
Gabe Lewis: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over.
Gabe Lewis: Right, of course!
Pam Beesly: And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you.
Gabe Lewis: Thank you so much.
Pam Beesly: I just think somebody lost the paperwork.
Gabe Lewis: Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?
Pam Beesly: Yes. Absolutely. Right away.
Toby Flenderson: You know what Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff, in case my daughter ever comes over. Why don't we just run out the clock by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking?
Andy Bernard: (fanfare)
Jim Halpert: We present to you for your comments and approval, Dwight K. Shrute.
Phyllis Vance: Go get 'em Dwight.
Jim Halpert: Wish us luck!
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Erin Hannon: Dwight (snaps a picture with a disposable camera, then drops the camera in the trash can)
Erin Hannon: Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today.
Toby Flenderson: We can play something more complicated if you like.
Michael Scott: This is plenty complicated.
Toby Flenderson: So you have played it before?
Michael Scott: I've played it once or twice with Jeff.
Toby Flenderson: Who's Jeff?
Michael Scott: Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married.
Toby Flenderson: So, her husband, your stepdad?
Michael Scott: Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.
Toby Flenderson: Did you guys do much stuff together?
Michael Scott: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.
Toby Flenderson: It's working. I'm doing it!
Angela Martin: (coughs for attention)
Dwight Schrute: What?
Angela Martin: My place tonight. Wear this. (motioning to his new outfit)
Dwight Schrute: Do you have your card?
Angela Martin: Yes. Don't forget the pipe.
Toby Flenderson: Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?
Michael Scott: I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid.
Toby Flenderson: Why?
Michael Scott: I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.
Toby Flenderson: Dogs don't do that.
Michael Scott: Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly.
Toby Flenderson: I don't know.
Michael Scott: When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so...
Toby Flenderson: It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?
Michael Scott: Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok.
Toby Flenderson: I'm just trying to help you Michael.
Michael Scott: You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?
Toby Flenderson: I just want to...
Michael Scott: You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?
Toby Flenderson: (tossing forms at Michael) Just fill them out any way you want.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Toby Flenderson: I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate.
Michael Scott: You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these (giving Toby two middle fingers) and call me in the morning.
Pam Beesly: Hey Michael, um... about three months ago, I was talking to... (Michael grabs form and signs it without reading.)
Pam Beesly: There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone.
Gabe Lewis: So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation?
Toby Flenderson: Yes.
Gabe Lewis: That is not how it seems to me.
Toby Flenderson: He seems fine.
Gabe Lewis: You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior.
Toby Flenderson: Heh.
Darryl Philbin: I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office. All corkboard.
Pam Beesly: We can do that.
Darryl Philbin: Right in here?
Pam Beesly: Easily.
Gabe Lewis: I'm back! Ha ha. Pam, perfect. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator about a little office administration problem.
Pam Beesly: But of course!
Gabe Lewis: Great.
Gabe Lewis: The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you are the office administrator.
Pam Beesly: So weird that there is no paperwork.
Gabe Lewis: At all.
Pam Beesly: Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America.
Gabe Lewis: Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... admit...
Pam Beesly: Admit what?
Gabe Lewis: I don't want to say it.
Pam Beesly: Say it.
Gabe Lewis: Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly: Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis: Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.
Pam Beesly: Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle.
Gabe Lewis: Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis?
Pam Beesly: Sure. Anything else?
Gabe Lewis: Nope.
Pam Beesly: I'll get it right away.
Pam Beesly: The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards.
Jim Halpert: Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it.
Dwight Schrute: It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal.
Jim Halpert: Wait a second. You know you can't buy that now, right? And I can come back and get it for you later. But I'm saying right now, we can't do that.
Dwight Schrute: Because I'm here for one thing. Revenge.
Jim Halpert: That's it.
Salesman: Let me know if I can help you with anything.
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me sir.
Salesman: Yes?
Dwight Schrute: I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me.
Salesman: I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that.
Dwight Schrute: You work on commission, don't you?
Jim Halpert: Stop, stop, stop.
Salesman: No, we don't.
Jim Halpert: Did you just say you remember him?
Salesman: Of course, but he looks much less threatening now.
Jim Halpert: What does that mean?
Salesman: We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back...
Dwight Schrute: Good Morning!
Salesman: If he were in accordance with our dress policy.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Salesman: But the blood stained hands...
Dwight Schrute: It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi...
Salesman: I'm very sorry.
Dwight Schrute: Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Ok. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!
Jim Halpert: Lets just go.
Dwight Schrute: You made a big mistake. Huge!
Jim Halpert: There it is. Alright.
Dwight Schrute: Aaah!
Jim Halpert: That's pretty good.
Andy Bernard: After you.
Dwight Schrute: (re-entering the store) I'll take the wizard!
Salesman: Oh, ok!
Michael Scott: You forged them! You forged the forms!
Toby Flenderson: You filled them in and faxed them yourself!
Michael Scott: Yes.
Toby Flenderson: You remember that.
Michael Scott: Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake.
Toby Flenderson: Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose.
Michael Scott: You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... (mimicking Gabe) "I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!" (normal voice) Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 2 season 7. Counseling is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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