Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Counseling

Vol. 7 · Issue 2Scranton, PA

Every line from the episode is right here, from Michael's sessions with Toby to Dwight's "Pretty Woman" moment at the mall. You'll find the full script of Pam's clever play to become the Office Administrator and Jim's reaction to Dwight's beet-juice hands. It's the ultimate way to catch every joke without having to actually listen to Toby talk.

Scene 01

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Wow. Late every day this week.
Pam Beesly
We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic...
Dwight Schrute
Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?
Jim Halpert
Is there really?

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... Ha ha ha (laughing maniacally) Well I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea.

Scene 03

26 lines
Dwight Schrute
Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.
Jim Halpert
Aaah!
Mose
Aaah!
Dwight Schrute
You remember my cousin Mose.
Mose
Welcome children.
Pam Beesly
Were you painting in the dark?
Jim Halpert
Wait. Is this your place Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?
Pam Beesly
I don't really think we need...
Jim Halpert
Oh... lets take the tour Pam.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. (pause) I see you found out magical toy box Jim.
Jim Halpert
These are actually forks and knives from the break room.
Dwight Schrute
Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork.
Pam Beesly
And a soy sauce packet.
Dwight Schrute
Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.
Jim Halpert
Don't beat yourself up.
Dwight Schrute
We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success.
Jim Halpert
Who will be watching the children?
Dwight Schrute
No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.
Jim Halpert
Prove it.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Jim Halpert
Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works.
Dwight Schrute
Oh no, no, no.
Jim Halpert
But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good.
Dwight Schrute
I promise you, that door locks! (Jim closes the door)

Scene 04

2 lines
Toby Flenderson
What's something that you...
Michael Scott
This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell.

Scene 06

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here.

Scene 07

3 lines
Michael Scott
I know what you want to ask me. "Did your mom ever see you naked?"
Toby Flenderson
We can do this with more privacy.
Michael Scott
So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key.

Scene 08

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall!
Phyllis Vance
The mall itself or just the stores in the mall?
Dwight Schrute
All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks!
Ryan Howard
America is one big mall.
Jim Halpert
Did something happen Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim.
Andy Bernard
Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board.
Dwight Schrute
You don't want to know.

Scene 09

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons.

Scene 10

1 line
Phyllis Vance
I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid.

Scene 11

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Look, I'm not going to tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you? Ok, well let me know if anything changes.
Jim Halpert
Pam?
Pam Beesly
I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene, or whatever it is. Tell me everything is going to be ok.
Jim Halpert
Everything is going to be ok.
Pam Beesly
Tell me I'm good at sales.
Jim Halpert
You're good... you're good at sales.

Scene 12

1 line
Pam Beesly
The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair.

Scene 13

17 lines
Andy Bernard
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Andy Bernard
Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the "F" word?
Dwight Schrute
Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients.
Stanley Hudson
No you will not.
Dwight Schrute
Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt, ok! They're "appearance"ists!
Jim Halpert
Ok, Dwight. We can't do that. So why don't you just tell us what happened?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, what happened Dwight?
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things, but there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the Mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall...
Pam Beesly
So what happened?
Dwight Schrute
I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms.
Kelly Kapoor
You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to "Pretty Woman" their asses.
Creed Bratton
We should start our own mall!
Erin Hannon
Yeah!
Jim Halpert
Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
What did I say?

Scene 14

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

Scene 15

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight, how about this? Instead of boycotting, you and I, together, go down to that store and we teach those snobs a lesson.
Andy Bernard
No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you.
Dwight Schrute
Ok
Jim Halpert
Alright.

Scene 16

1 line
Andy Bernard
Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? (removes cuff link) How about now? (removes other cuff link) How about now? (removes tie clip) How about now?

Scene 17

9 lines
Toby Flenderson
Uh... what was your favorite flavor of...
Michael Scott
One hour.
Toby Flenderson
What?
Michael Scott
One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today.
Toby Flenderson
Ok, I can't count the hour if you don't talk.
Michael Scott
No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time.
Toby Flenderson
Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, and I can't do that unless I honestly...
Michael Scott
You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me?
Toby Flenderson
Tell me!

Scene 18

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I think we might be about to maybe really get somewhere.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby.

Scene 20

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl...
Andy Bernard
Pretty Woman.
Dwight Schrute
Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...?
Jim Halpert
No, no. I want to hear you tell it.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, Um... The sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the "trappings" of extravagant wealth, but instead of going...
Andy Bernard
Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like," I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me." And the shop girl goes, "ok". And Julia Roberts goes," You girls work on commission, right?" And the girl is like,"Yeah", and Julia Roberts goes...
Kelly Kapoor
"Big mistake! Huge!"
Andy Bernard
I was telling that... I was telling that.

Scene 21

7 lines
Stanley Hudson
How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok, sure.
Window treatment guy
Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments?
Erin Hannon
I don't know.
Window treatment guy
Is one of you the office administrator?
Pam Beesly
(hesitates) I am. I am the office administrator!
Window treatment guy
Can I show you a few samples?
Pam Beesly
Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all.

Scene 22

1 line
Pam Beesly
There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work.

Scene 23

3 lines
Michael Scott
Toby, can I really tell you anything?
Toby Flenderson
Of course.
Michael Scott
Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half.

Scene 24

11 lines
Oscar Martinez
Office Administrator. So when did this happen?
Pam Beesly
A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, totally. Well, congrats!
Pam Beesly
Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right?
Oscar Martinez
Totally, that's great.
Pam Beesly
I get paid $40,000 per year.
Oscar Martinez
Great.
Pam Beesly
Maybe $50,000.
Oscar Martinez
$50,000?
Pam Beesly
No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500.
Oscar Martinez
That's great.

Scene 25

23 lines
Jim Halpert
Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around. Now, today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman.
Andy Bernard
A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.
Stanley Hudson
Is he still doing his boycott?
Jim Halpert
No, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor
You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.
Jim Halpert
Agreed.
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Oscar Martinez
Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching.
Dwight Schrute
Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?
Ryan Howard
The glasses are a little... (Dwight drops glasses to the floor, stomps on them)
Pam Beesly
I liked them.
Kelly Kapoor
I thought they were kind of cute.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, I liked them too.
Dwight Schrute
I can't see.
Darryl Philbin
Say stuff like, "Good morning, Good Afternoon". People appreciate that.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, I see you every day. Can I say "Good month?"
Darryl Philbin
I'm telling you how to do this man.
Andy Bernard
If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you.
Angela Martin
Please and thank you go a long way.
Dwight Schrute
Copy. Thank you.
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Please.
Andy Bernard
(in a cockney accent) I think he's got it!

Scene 26

4 lines
Michael Scott
And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? (howls and growls like a werewolf)
Toby Flenderson
Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories.
Michael Scott
Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? (pause) Three hours. We're half way done.
Toby Flenderson
Oh.

Scene 27

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, do you have a second?
Gabe Lewis
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over.
Gabe Lewis
Right, of course!
Pam Beesly
And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you.
Gabe Lewis
Thank you so much.
Pam Beesly
I just think somebody lost the paperwork.
Gabe Lewis
Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?
Pam Beesly
Yes. Absolutely. Right away.

Scene 28

1 line
Toby Flenderson
You know what Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff, in case my daughter ever comes over. Why don't we just run out the clock by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking?

Scene 29

6 lines
Andy Bernard
(fanfare)
Jim Halpert
We present to you for your comments and approval, Dwight K. Shrute.
Phyllis Vance
Go get 'em Dwight.
Jim Halpert
Wish us luck!
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Erin Hannon
Dwight (snaps a picture with a disposable camera, then drops the camera in the trash can)

Scene 30

1 line
Erin Hannon
Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today.

Scene 31

10 lines
Toby Flenderson
We can play something more complicated if you like.
Michael Scott
This is plenty complicated.
Toby Flenderson
So you have played it before?
Michael Scott
I've played it once or twice with Jeff.
Toby Flenderson
Who's Jeff?
Michael Scott
Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married.
Toby Flenderson
So, her husband, your stepdad?
Michael Scott
Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.
Toby Flenderson
Did you guys do much stuff together?
Michael Scott
Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.

Scene 32

1 line
Toby Flenderson
It's working. I'm doing it!

Scene 33

5 lines
Angela Martin
(coughs for attention)
Dwight Schrute
What?
Angela Martin
My place tonight. Wear this. (motioning to his new outfit)
Dwight Schrute
Do you have your card?
Angela Martin
Yes. Don't forget the pipe.

Scene 34

18 lines
Toby Flenderson
Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?
Michael Scott
I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid.
Toby Flenderson
Why?
Michael Scott
I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.
Toby Flenderson
Dogs don't do that.
Michael Scott
Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly.
Toby Flenderson
I don't know.
Michael Scott
When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so...
Toby Flenderson
It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?
Michael Scott
Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok.
Toby Flenderson
I'm just trying to help you Michael.
Michael Scott
You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?
Toby Flenderson
I just want to...
Michael Scott
You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?
Toby Flenderson
(tossing forms at Michael) Just fill them out any way you want.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Toby Flenderson
I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate.
Michael Scott
You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these (giving Toby two middle fingers) and call me in the morning.

Scene 35

1 line
Pam Beesly
Hey Michael, um... about three months ago, I was talking to... (Michael grabs form and signs it without reading.)

Scene 36

1 line
Pam Beesly
There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone.

Scene 37

6 lines
Gabe Lewis
So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation?
Toby Flenderson
Yes.
Gabe Lewis
That is not how it seems to me.
Toby Flenderson
He seems fine.
Gabe Lewis
You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior.
Toby Flenderson
Heh.

Scene 38

7 lines
Darryl Philbin
I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office. All corkboard.
Pam Beesly
We can do that.
Darryl Philbin
Right in here?
Pam Beesly
Easily.
Gabe Lewis
I'm back! Ha ha. Pam, perfect. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator about a little office administration problem.
Pam Beesly
But of course!
Gabe Lewis
Great.

Scene 39

16 lines
Gabe Lewis
The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you are the office administrator.
Pam Beesly
So weird that there is no paperwork.
Gabe Lewis
At all.
Pam Beesly
Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America.
Gabe Lewis
Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... admit...
Pam Beesly
Admit what?
Gabe Lewis
I don't want to say it.
Pam Beesly
Say it.
Gabe Lewis
Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly
Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis
Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.
Pam Beesly
Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle.
Gabe Lewis
Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis?
Pam Beesly
Sure. Anything else?
Gabe Lewis
Nope.
Pam Beesly
I'll get it right away.

Scene 40

1 line
Pam Beesly
The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards.

Scene 41

32 lines
Jim Halpert
Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it.
Dwight Schrute
It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal.
Jim Halpert
Wait a second. You know you can't buy that now, right? And I can come back and get it for you later. But I'm saying right now, we can't do that.
Dwight Schrute
Because I'm here for one thing. Revenge.
Jim Halpert
That's it.
Salesman
Let me know if I can help you with anything.
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me sir.
Salesman
Yes?
Dwight Schrute
I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me.
Salesman
I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that.
Dwight Schrute
You work on commission, don't you?
Jim Halpert
Stop, stop, stop.
Salesman
No, we don't.
Jim Halpert
Did you just say you remember him?
Salesman
Of course, but he looks much less threatening now.
Jim Halpert
What does that mean?
Salesman
We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back...
Dwight Schrute
Good Morning!
Salesman
If he were in accordance with our dress policy.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Salesman
But the blood stained hands...
Dwight Schrute
It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi...
Salesman
I'm very sorry.
Dwight Schrute
Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Ok. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!
Jim Halpert
Lets just go.
Dwight Schrute
You made a big mistake. Huge!
Jim Halpert
There it is. Alright.
Dwight Schrute
Aaah!
Jim Halpert
That's pretty good.
Andy Bernard
After you.
Dwight Schrute
(re-entering the store) I'll take the wizard!
Salesman
Oh, ok!

Scene 42

7 lines
Michael Scott
You forged them! You forged the forms!
Toby Flenderson
You filled them in and faxed them yourself!
Michael Scott
Yes.
Toby Flenderson
You remember that.
Michael Scott
Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake.
Toby Flenderson
Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose.
Michael Scott
You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... (mimicking Gabe) "I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!" (normal voice) Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!