Scene 014 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Wow. Late every day this week.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We signed Cici up for this daycare. It's on the other side of town. The traffic...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Why didn't I think of this before? Did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is there really?
Scene 021 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Now that I own the building, I'm looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center... Ha ha ha (laughing maniacally) Well I guess it's not an evil idea. It's just a regular idea. But there is no good laugh for a regular idea.
Scene 0326 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Aaah!MoseOpen quote: Aaah!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You remember my cousin Mose.MoseOpen quote: Welcome children.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Were you painting in the dark?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wait. Is this your place Dwight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't really think we need...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh... lets take the tour Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. (pause) I see you found out magical toy box Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: These are actually forks and knives from the break room.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And a soy sauce packet.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Don't beat yourself up.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Who will be watching the children?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Prove it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh no, no, no.Jim HalpertOpen quote: But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I promise you, that door locks! (Jim closes the door)
Scene 042 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: What's something that you...Michael ScottOpen quote: This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!
Scene 051 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell.
Scene 061 lineToby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael has been assigned six hours of mandatory counseling with a trained professional. I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would ask a few standard questions, and check off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here.
Scene 073 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I know what you want to ask me. "Did your mom ever see you naked?"Toby FlendersonOpen quote: We can do this with more privacy.Michael ScottOpen quote: So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key.
Scene 088 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Boycott the Steamtown Mall! Everyone, you heard me! Cancel all of your business with the Steamtown Mall!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: The mall itself or just the stores in the mall?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks!Ryan HowardOpen quote: America is one big mall.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Did something happen Dwight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, something happened. Oh yeah, something happened, Jim.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, tell us what it is. I mean, it would help us to get some context so we can get on board.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You don't want to know.
Scene 091 lineToby FlendersonOpen quote: I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful. For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons.
Scene 101 linePhyllis VanceOpen quote: I'm glad Michael is getting help. He as a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
Scene 116 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (on phone) Look, I'm not going to tell you that we have lower prices. Is price something that is important to you? Ok, well let me know if anything changes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I can't do this. I don't have this sales gene, or whatever it is. Tell me everything is going to be ok.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Everything is going to be ok.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Tell me I'm good at sales.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You're good... you're good at sales.
Scene 121 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: The unfair thing about working in sales is that your salary is almost all commission. So, you suck at sales, you make almost no money. I guess that's fair.
Scene 1317 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Dwight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Andy BernardOpen quote: Did you call all of my clients at the mall and cancel all my business while using the "F" word?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes I did. And I'm going to do the same with all of your clients.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: No you will not.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh yes I will! That mall is corrupt, ok! They're "appearance"ists!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, Dwight. We can't do that. So why don't you just tell us what happened?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, what happened Dwight?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You guys know me. You know that I'm not one for fancy things, but there was this one thing. It was in a fancy store. And it caught the corner of my eye when I took Mose down to the Mall to get his blood pressure at the Rite-Aid. And I thought, you know, maybe I deserve this. You know, I had a great crop yield this fall...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So what happened?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I went to the store and I pressed the buzzer, and they looked right at me, and then they looked away. And then I pressed the buzzer again, and they started taking pictures of me on their mobile phones. I guess I'm not the kind of guy that's good enough for precious heirlooms.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: You know what Dwight? You need to go back there, and you need to "Pretty Woman" their asses.Creed BrattonOpen quote: We should start our own mall!Erin HannonOpen quote: Yeah!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wait, wait, wait. That's actually a really good idea Kelly.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: What did I say?
Scene 154 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight, how about this? Instead of boycotting, you and I, together, go down to that store and we teach those snobs a lesson.Andy BernardOpen quote: No, you and I... and I. I'm going to come with you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OkJim HalpertOpen quote: Alright.
Scene 161 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Did you assume that I would automatically side with the rich snobby shop owner? (removes cuff link) How about now? (removes other cuff link) How about now? (removes tie clip) How about now?
Scene 179 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Uh... what was your favorite flavor of...Michael ScottOpen quote: One hour.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: One hour. We've done one hour. Let's just speed this up, ok? Keep it moving. I want to do all six hours today.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Ok, I can't count the hour if you don't talk.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no! I know my rights! All I had to do was sit here for six hours. Do my time.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael, it's up to me to check off the boxes, and I can't do that unless I honestly...Michael ScottOpen quote: You know, do you have any idea how angry this is making me?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Tell me!
Scene 191 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Yes, I will. I will talk alright. Be careful what you wish for Toby.
Scene 208 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980's, Beautiful Girl...Andy BernardOpen quote: Pretty Woman.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Apparently, it's one of the best revenge stories of all times, in which this sex worker, who is the antagonist... That can't be right. Andy? How does it...?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, no. I want to hear you tell it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, Um... The sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns dressed in all the "trappings" of extravagant wealth, but instead of going...Andy BernardOpen quote: Julia Roberts goes into the store, and she's like," I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't help me." And the shop girl goes, "ok". And Julia Roberts goes," You girls work on commission, right?" And the girl is like,"Yeah", and Julia Roberts goes...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: "Big mistake! Huge!"Andy BernardOpen quote: I was telling that... I was telling that.
Scene 217 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: How many paper supplies and ink cartridges to go with that? Ok, sure.Window treatment guyOpen quote: Who can I speak to in this office about saving on window treatments?Erin HannonOpen quote: I don't know.Window treatment guyOpen quote: Is one of you the office administrator?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (hesitates) I am. I am the office administrator!Window treatment guyOpen quote: Can I show you a few samples?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, we're not interested. We're not interested at all.
Scene 221 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: There are a few ways to get promoted. One is to wait for an opening and apply for it. That's the main way. But this could work.
Scene 233 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Toby, can I really tell you anything?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Of course.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half.
Scene 2411 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Office Administrator. So when did this happen?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: A few months ago. I was talking to someone at corporate, who isn't there anymore, and I think the paperwork just got lost in the shuffle. Can you believe that?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah, totally. Well, congrats!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Thanks! Yeah, so I'm just going to take care of things around the office and get paid a reasonable salary. You believe that, right?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Totally, that's great.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I get paid $40,000 per year.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Great.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Maybe $50,000.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: $50,000?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, not $50,000, $41,000, I think. $41,500.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: That's great.
Scene 2523 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Before me stands your coworker, Dwight Kurt Schrute. Dwight, show them all sides. Turn around. Now, today, we need your help turning Dwight into a gentleman.Andy BernardOpen quote: A gentleman who is a rich snob who will go into shopping malls and drop huge amounts of cash on clothes.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Is he still doing his boycott?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, this is instead of the boycott. Yeah?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: You shirt and tie are disgusto-barfo.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Agreed.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Maybe something not so monochromatic. Not so matching.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait. Less matching to appear more rich?Ryan HowardOpen quote: The glasses are a little... (Dwight drops glasses to the floor, stomps on them)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I liked them.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I thought they were kind of cute.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, I liked them too.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can't see.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Say stuff like, "Good morning, Good Afternoon". People appreciate that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait, I see you every day. Can I say "Good month?"Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I'm telling you how to do this man.Andy BernardOpen quote: If someone offers you a cocktail, accept, but keep your wits about you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Please and thank you go a long way.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Copy. Thank you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Thank you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Please.Andy BernardOpen quote: (in a cockney accent) I think he's got it!
Scene 264 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And I was raised by wolves. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? (howls and growls like a werewolf)Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Come on Michael. Those are all fake stories.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, Yes. They are all fake stories. What sort of twisted mind would come up with weird stories like that? (pause) Three hours. We're half way done.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Oh.
Scene 279 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, do you have a second?Gabe LewisOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, as I am sure you know, for the past few months, I've been the Office Administrator. Since right before you guys took over.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Right, of course!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And, I haven't gotten paid yet. I'm not blaming you.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Thank you so much.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I just think somebody lost the paperwork.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Oh boy. Can you get every department head's signature on this so I can back this up to corporate?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes. Absolutely. Right away.
Scene 281 lineToby FlendersonOpen quote: You know what Michael? You're right. You win. This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere. I got a bunch of fun stuff, in case my daughter ever comes over. Why don't we just run out the clock by playing games, drawing some pictures, talking?
Scene 296 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (fanfare)Jim HalpertOpen quote: We present to you for your comments and approval, Dwight K. Shrute.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Go get 'em Dwight.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wish us luck!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you.Erin HannonOpen quote: Dwight (snaps a picture with a disposable camera, then drops the camera in the trash can)
Scene 301 lineErin HannonOpen quote: Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today.
Scene 3110 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: We can play something more complicated if you like.Michael ScottOpen quote: This is plenty complicated.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: So you have played it before?Michael ScottOpen quote: I've played it once or twice with Jeff.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Who's Jeff?Michael ScottOpen quote: Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: So, her husband, your stepdad?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Did you guys do much stuff together?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.
Scene 335 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: (coughs for attention)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Angela MartinOpen quote: My place tonight. Wear this. (motioning to his new outfit)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you have your card?Angela MartinOpen quote: Yes. Don't forget the pipe.
Scene 3418 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Its really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?Michael ScottOpen quote: I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Why?Michael ScottOpen quote: I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Dogs don't do that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I don't know.Michael ScottOpen quote: When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I'm just trying to help you Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I just want to...Michael ScottOpen quote: You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (tossing forms at Michael) Just fill them out any way you want.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate.Michael ScottOpen quote: You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these (giving Toby two middle fingers) and call me in the morning.
Scene 351 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey Michael, um... about three months ago, I was talking to... (Michael grabs form and signs it without reading.)
Scene 361 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: There are a lot of one person departments here, so, there's a lot of department heads. But I'm off to a good start. Oh, man! If I could pull this off, it will be scam of all scams. And yet very helpful to everyone.
Scene 376 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yes.Gabe LewisOpen quote: That is not how it seems to me.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: He seems fine.Gabe LewisOpen quote: You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Heh.
Scene 387 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: I saw a TLC show on Kate Walsh's home office. All corkboard.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We can do that.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Right in here?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Easily.Gabe LewisOpen quote: I'm back! Ha ha. Pam, perfect. I was hoping to talk to the office administrator about a little office administration problem.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: But of course!Gabe LewisOpen quote: Great.
Scene 3916 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: The problem, unfortunately, is about the office administrator. I have gone through everything for the past three years. There is nothing that says you are the office administrator.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So weird that there is no paperwork.Gabe LewisOpen quote: At all.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Although, like, unlikely things happen all the time. My best friend, in High School, she went to Australia, Canberra I think, and she met this guy who lived only two streets away in America.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... admit...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Admit what?Gabe LewisOpen quote: I don't want to say it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Say it.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Say that I'm lying or say that I have the job. Make a definitive statement, Gabe.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Statements of such nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Great. Well, Let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an Office Administrator can handle.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Will do... Can I get one of those name plates... that says Gabe Lewis?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sure. Anything else?Gabe LewisOpen quote: Nope.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'll get it right away.
Scene 401 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 AM, you play the opponent. Not the cards.
Scene 4132 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Is that what you were here for? A crystal wizard? I like it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It is a pewter wizard holding a crystal.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wait a second. You know you can't buy that now, right? And I can come back and get it for you later. But I'm saying right now, we can't do that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Because I'm here for one thing. Revenge.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's it.SalesmanOpen quote: Let me know if I can help you with anything.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Excuse me sir.SalesmanOpen quote: Yes?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I was here yesterday, and you refused to wait on me.SalesmanOpen quote: I remember, yes. I'm terribly sorry about that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You work on commission, don't you?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Stop, stop, stop.SalesmanOpen quote: No, we don't.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Did you just say you remember him?SalesmanOpen quote: Of course, but he looks much less threatening now.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What does that mean?SalesmanOpen quote: We had a safety concern. Um... we very politely indicated that he'd be welcome back...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good Morning!SalesmanOpen quote: If he were in accordance with our dress policy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?SalesmanOpen quote: But the blood stained hands...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It was beet juice! I am a beet farmer idi...SalesmanOpen quote: I'm very sorry.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good sir. I happen to have been working a very long day. When I came to you fine establishment. You are such a... I'm gonna... Ok. Listen. You can't treat... Thank you! Good morning sir!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Lets just go.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You made a big mistake. Huge!Jim HalpertOpen quote: There it is. Alright.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Aaah!Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's pretty good.Andy BernardOpen quote: After you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (re-entering the store) I'll take the wizard!SalesmanOpen quote: Oh, ok!
Scene 427 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You forged them! You forged the forms!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: You filled them in and faxed them yourself!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: You remember that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose.Michael ScottOpen quote: You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... (mimicking Gabe) "I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!" (normal voice) Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!