Every line from The Office episode "Michael's Last Dundies", season 7 episode 20.
Michael Scott: It is six a.m. (DeAngelo yawns) and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars!
Deangelo Vickers: Yes, and this happens every...?
Michael Scott: Every year! This happens, you have a lot to learn my friend. (DeAngelo laughs)
Deangelo Vickers: Well, you know, why don't we try it, and if it goes good it'll be part of my tradition.
Michael Scott: Why do you always say that? You're gonna love it.
Michael Scott: (arriving at the first house) Alright let's go! (DeAngelo runs in the wrong direction) This way, this way! (Michael knocks on the door)
Deangelo Vickers: Thanks.
Deangelo Vickers: Congratulations!
Jim Halpert: Yep, okay...
Michael Scott: You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards!
Michael Scott: (holds up a camera and DeAngelo meows) Here we go! Have Pam come down.
Jim Halpert: No she doesn't wa- She's not here.
Pam Beesly: What's going on?
Jim Halpert: Stay in bed!
Michael Scott: (arriving at a dumpy looking, unkempt house) I've never seen this place in the daylight.
Deangelo Vickers: It reminds me of Katrina.
Michael Scott: Here we go, alright got it? Set? (the door is ajar, Michael knocks lightly) Hello? (turns around to see Meredith walking towards her house)
Meredith Palmer: I'm so busted! Walk of shame!
Deangelo Vickers: Do you usually leave your door unlocked? And ajar?
Meredith Palmer: Ahh, Nice! I got a Dundie nomination!
Michael Scott: Yes you did. That's right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out.
Meredith Palmer: No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins. (walks into her house) Let me fix you breakfast!
Deangelo Vickers: (whispers) I'm not going in there.
Michael Scott: (quietly shuts the door) Go.
Michael Scott: (walking into the office) Good morning Erin.
Erin Hannon: Oh hey, didn't see you.
Michael Scott: You have big plans for tonight?
Erin Hannon: I don't know, maybe volunteer at the shelter, or go to bed, or... I don't know. Maybe I'm going to the Dundies!! (Flashes her Nomination Certificate)
Michael Scott: You are getting so funny! (Erin giggles) Very good.
Michael Scott: Anything can happen at the Dundies! (DeAngelo laughs) They're like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time!
Dwight Schrute: Just a little announcement folks, remember, the Dundies is a black tie affair.
Michael Scott: Black tie optional.
Dwight Schrute: Every day is black tie optional!
Michael Scott: A la, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies!
Kevin Malone: Nice! (rest of the office looks excited)
Phyllis Vance: I love their breadsticks!
Pam Beesly: Oh, their breadsticks are like crack!
Ryan Howard: I love when people say like crack when they've obviously never done crack.
Pam Beesly: Well the breadsticks are like what then, Ryan, what can I use?
Ryan Howard: I don't know, something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.
Pam Beesly: You're right, you're right. I'm a middle class broad. (Jim does his "Jim face")
Michael Scott: Shh, shh! Okay, okay. Everybody's right. They're like breadsticks on steroids. Right?
Ryan Howard: Yeah that's great.
Michael Scott: So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy. So I'm going to need to train a replacement. So this year, I have decided to have a co-host. (Dwight looks suspecting) And that person is (he and DeAngelo roll their tongues as a drum roll) DeAngelo! (all applaud)
Deangelo Vickers: Thank you Michael, uh, but I will have to pass.
Michael Scott: Think of it as part of your training.
Deangelo Vickers: Not much of a performer, unless you count singing in the shower. Boy, okay...
Michael Scott: (smiling) Okay, well we'll work on it.
Deangelo Vickers: (whispers to Michael) Michael, I'm very, very bad.
Michael Scott: You are doing it.
Michael Scott: (all in conference room) Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin Malone: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael Scott: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
Deangelo Vickers: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a-
Michael Scott: (cutting him off) Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys...
Deangelo Vickers: This did not happen.
Michael Scott: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay. (Ryan stands next to Michael up front) Ryan how are you today?
Ryan Howard: Why don't you ask my therapist, my mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael Scott: (very excited) There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
Deangelo Vickers: Uhhh, you sir! (points to Jim) Are we having fun tonight?
Jim Halpert: Having a great time.
Deangelo Vickers: Oh good!
Jim Halpert: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo Vickers: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael Scott: No! God! (Jim looks at him oddly)
Deangelo Vickers: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy Bernard: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim Halpert: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael Scott: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl Philbin: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael Scott: This is my last Dundies ever, if I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?
Deangelo Vickers: (laying down, Michael is sitting on DeAngelo's stomach bouncing up and down in Michael's office) Me mo. Me mo.
Michael Scott: Good. Good. Good!
Deangelo Vickers: Meee Mo, Mee!
Michael Scott: Now, tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood.
Deangelo Vickers: When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court and choose between them.
Michael Scott: (getting off his stomach) Too personal. I don't wanna hear about it. (picking up a portable tape player) Let's try this. Put these on. (DeAngelo puts the headphones in) I am going to turn this on, and turn the volume all the way up. So you can't- (DeAngelo winces) That's right, you're not going to be able to hear yourself. Read this, (gives him a card) and make it sound perfect.
Deangelo Vickers: THE DUNDIES ARE-OW-ABOUT COMING TOGETHER! AND RECOGNIZING, THE ADOMINABILITY OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT! (Jim comes and closes the door)
Michael Scott: Say it with an accent!
Deangelo Vickers: (bad Australian accent attempt) THE DUNDIES!
Michael Scott: (also in a poor Australian accent) The Dundies!
Deangelo Vickers: THE DUNDIES!
Jim Halpert: (Jim and Pam are walking outside) I just don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me, and not just regular fries.
Pam Beesly: Yeah... (they see Erin eating in her car, and ducking when they see her. Pam knocks on her car window) Hey, Erin, everything okay?
Erin Hannon: Get away from the car, he's gonna see you.
Jim Halpert: Who's gonna see us?
Erin Hannon: (desperately) Just get in! Get in! Just get in!
Jim Halpert: Get in the car? (Jim and Pam get in the back seat)
Erin Hannon: Please! Sorry. Get in. (Jim and Pam are confused and worried) Sorry sorry sorry.
Pam Beesly: What's wrong?
Erin Hannon: I eat lunch in the car now. It's my alone time. It's just nice to have some time away from Gabe.
Pam Beesly: Why don't you wanna eat lunch with your boyfriend?
Erin Hannon: I, really don't like spending time with him.
Pam Beesly: Don't you think it's better to tell him the truth now? You know, rather than waste more of his time?
Jim Halpert: I think I'm gonna go.
Jim Halpert: I think you got this. Kay? (Erin nods) Alright. Feel better!
Erin Hannon: Thank you Jim.
Dwight Schrute: (standing by the Louie Volpies entrance greeting people and giving them menus)
Kevin Malone: (walks in) Hi!
Dwight Schrute: Appalling. (Meredith walks in) Eye sore. (Jim and Pam come in) Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds!
Erin Hannon: DeAngelo, Jo's on the phone for you.
Jo Bennett: (Michael dressed as Jo Bennett, using a bad Southern accent) DeAngelo! We're in serious horse manure here! The Dundies are tonight! And we ain't got no host!
Jo Bennett: Luckily I have someone for you!
Deangelo Vickers: Billy Crystal?
Deangelo Vickers: Neil Patrick Harris?
Jo Bennett: He's in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi! (everyone in the audience is laughing)
Deangelo Vickers: Ughhh, I gotta find Michael Scott! And then I gotta, (Russel Brand impression) Get Him to the Dundies!
Deangelo Vickers: (in the office near the accountants) Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott Angela?
Angela Martin: (Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice) My boyfriend can, he's a state senator.
Angela Martin: Oh wait, he can't help because that title has no meaning!
Oscar Martinez: (laughing)
Oscar Martinez: Try Jim DeAngelo, he'll be able to help.
Deangelo Vickers: Jim! Do you know where I can find Michael Scott?
Jim Halpert: (Michael is wearing a wig that is very close to Jim's actual hair, and he is wearing fake earrings, and speaking in a punk-ish deep voice) I totally don't know where Michael is, dude, hey you wanna listen to some records?
Jim Halpert: (shaking head at the camera)
Deangelo Vickers: No one is listening to me! And I'm running out of time!
Phyllis Vance: (Micheal dressed as Phyllis, pretending to knit) Well, what are you talking about? (cracking noise) Ohh! Ohh! (falls onto the ground) I've fallen and I can't get up!
Deangelo Vickers: Maybe I just need to look into my heart. (in the bathroom in front of the mirror) DeAngelo, where is Michael Scott. (his reflection in the mirror turns around to reveal that it is Michael)
Michael Scott: I'm here. (DeAngelo gasps and turns around) In a good way! I've been here the whole time.
Michael Scott: (in the bathroom) DeAngelo, what are you doing? There's a live audience out there!
Deangelo Vickers: Go do it by yourself, get Ryan.
Michael Scott: No, Ryan would never do it. It's too on the radar. Look, look. The boss, hosts, the Dundies! It's sort of our perk!
Deangelo Vickers: This was not, part of the job description!
Michael Scott: Listen to me, you're not doing this for me, you're not doing this for you, you're not even doing this for them!
Deangelo Vickers: Who am I doing this for?
Michael Scott: (slaps him) You're doing this for all those kids out there, eating off the Louie Volpies kid's menu, wondering: Does it get better? What I want you to do, is I want you to say: It's showtime. Get out there.
Deangelo Vickers: I can't. (Michael slaps him again)
Deangelo Vickers: Stop, hitting me.
Michael Scott: You can do it, just say it.
Deangelo Vickers: Hit me again. (Michael slaps him once more)
Michael Scott: Now hit me. (DeAngelo slaps him) One, two, three.
Michael Scott: Alright, here we go.
Michael Scott: Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line. (everyone laughs)
Deangelo Vickers: Fall asleep right after sex. Huh guys?
Jim Halpert: Nope, go back to the script.
Michael Scott: There are a lot of great salesmen in this office, but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad. And a close personal friend of mine, Jim Halpert! Best Dad Dundie! (Dwight plays a celebratory honking noise on his keyboard)
Jim Halpert: Wow! I do not parent for the award but I gotta tell you It feels pretty good. Uh, Cece, if you're watching this at home it's way past your bedtime, by the way how'd this get televised?
Michael Scott: Well done.
Jim Halpert: I don't know maybe being a good dad is just all in your own compass. I don't know, I don't know. Thank you!
Michael Scott: Alright. (all applaud Jim)
Pam Beesly: You didn't think to mention me huh?
Michael Scott: Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. (Pam gets ready and Jim smiles at her) I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office. Meredith Palmer!
Meredith Palmer: (jogs up and makes out with Michael, who is unwilling) Tell ya one thing, I'm not gonna be a good mom tonight! Whooo!
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, can I get a photo of the Best Mom and the Best Dad please?
Jim Halpert: I gotta go do this.
Pam Beesly: (annoyed) Why?
Dwight Schrute: Big smiles folks! There they are.
Michael Scott: Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the office goes to, (Ryan stands up) Danny Cordray! (Ryan quickly sits) Danny couldn't be here tonight...
Deangelo Vickers: They say he's going to be my right hand man, adlib masturbation joke. (realizing he wasn't supposed to read that directly off the cue card, speaks quietly) No, I hate this, I hate it so much. (loud again) Dwight Schrute! Please accept this promising Assistant Manager Dundie. (people clap as Dwight takes the microphone, he is obviously unenthused) Thank you, thank you so much. I would like to thank something that we, uh, take for granted in our daily lives. And that is the humble trashcan. (Creed nods) This is for you trashcan! (walks off and throws the Dundie into the trashcan)
Manager: (the manager of Louie Volpies approaches a giggling Kevin, who is coloring with crayons on the tablecloth) Who gave you those crayons?
Kevin Malone: I brought them from home! Do you have a red?
Manager: This is a cloth tablecloth! You can't color on it!
Kevin Malone: Oh really? (camera shows that Kevin has drawn a house on the tablecloth.
Michael Scott: You know, herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? (manager looks up, angrily at Michael) Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley, what do thay all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here and receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award! (Erin looks thrilled and walks up to the stage)
Meredith Palmer: That is bull! (throws her Dundie)
Erin Hannon: Thank you, thank you! This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life. (Gabe and Andy smile at her) People are right about the Dundies, they are magical. But, I don't feel it. And I think that's because I'm not with the right person. Gabe, we should break up.
Erin Hannon: I'm not attracted to you. I just, I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, right Pam? (Pam looks very awkward) Thank you for hearing me.
Gabe Lewis: (stands up and walks to stage, takes the microphone) Well, this is embarrassing, um, I'm obviously really angry at Erin. It's that quarter life crisis everyone's been talking about. (Jim is looking wide eyed, jaw dropped) Alright I'm gonna go. (Dwight plays cricket noises)
Michael Scott: (escorts Erin off stage) There you go.
Darryl Philbin: Damn that was cold.
Michael Scott: It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. (DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and tries to go back to his seat)
Audience: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Deangelo Vickers: Hold on, hold on one second. (puts on the headphones and turns the volume up all the way) I WANNA, I WANNA, I FEEL TRULY BLESSED! UHHH, TO BE WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU! BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, FUNNY STORY, I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, VOMITTING, AND VOMITTING IN THE MEN'S ROOM!
Manager: Okay, okay. (trying to stop him from offending other people in his restaurant)
Deangelo Vickers: THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR MOST OF THE EVENING...
Michael Scott: (stopping Manager) DeAngelo is expressing himself. (manager pulls the microphone cable, everyone can still here DeAngelo.
Deangelo Vickers: This is truly special, for me! And uh, anyway. It's so much lighter!
Michael Scott: Okay, we're done! That's it.
Deangelo Vickers: Michael, are we?!
Michael Scott: We're done. We're done!
Michael Scott: (Outside of the restaurant, obviously sad) So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it'd be more like Godfather Three. That rapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather One! That was, very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh well...
Pam Beesly: Michael, we were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going!
Deangelo Vickers: I know I'm the cause of this royal screw up but I would like to see this show go on.
Michael Scott: No, no. You're being too hard on yourself. We had a very truncated rehearsal time.
Pam Beesly: Let's grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started. (others nod in agreement)
Michael Scott: So what you're saying is you kinda like it? (Phyllis impression) I've fallen and I can't get up! (normal again) That Phyllis bit, that was pretty good.
Jim Halpert: I don't know that we need to dissect it all now, but-
Michael Scott: That got a big laugh.
Jim Halpert: That did. Pretty huge laugh.
Michael Scott: (to Stanley, who is cracking up again) You were laughing right?
Deangelo Vickers: (with Dwight and Michael outside Michael's car) You know what, I have to go to the bathroom.
Michael Scott: We're really close.
Deangelo Vickers: I can just run over to the gas station.
Dwight Schrute: We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room?
Michael Scott: That's true, we wouldn't get seats together.
Deangelo Vickers: Okay, fine I'll hold it.
Michael Scott: (in the car) You know, despite a couple hiccups, I think that went very well.
Dwight Schrute: I thought it was the worst Dundies I've ever been to.
Michael Scott: Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award.
Dwight Schrute: Gladly! I'd accept that award, because a bitch, is a female dog!
Deangelo Vickers: (as Michael pulls over and stops the car) Please don't stop so suddenly, the seatbelt is pressing on my bladder. Why are you even wearing a seatbelt, you're sitting in the backseat, baby.
Michael Scott: What is your problem?!
Dwight Schrute: I just don't see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue is bad, the fashion is boring.
Michael Scott: Okay! That, that is unfair! The clothing was safe, but tasteful.
Dwight Schrute: And next time, why don't you pick a co-host, that doesn't have microphone-a-phobia!
Deangelo Vickers: (very uncomfortable) Look, what ever you're going to do, how long is it going to take? Ballpark. 'Cause I just, I gotta make a decision here. (gets out and slams the door)
Michael Scott: He is in an all-out sprint.
Michael Scott: (in conference room) Here... (Andy walks in) Okay! By his own omission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award goes to, Andy Bernard! (Andy walks up)
Andy Bernard: A lot of people I'd like to thank, but I think we all actually wanna thank you Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. (nods to him)
Andy Bernard: I mean, we actually all really wanna thank you, for everything.
Darryl Philbin: (starts playing the tune to Seasons of Love while Andy sits down)
Michael Scott: Oh my God, something's happening.
Andy Bernard: (singing) Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
Everyone: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
Jim Halpert: And impressions!
Toby Flenderson: In meetings.
Erin & Kelly: And cups of coffee.
Kevin Malone: For birthdays!
Stanley Hudson: More meetings and-
Women: E-Mail forms you made us read.
Everyone: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
Meredith Palmer: You hit me with your car!
Ryan Howard: You helped me get off drugs!
Creed Bratton: I watch you when you sleep.
Oscar Martinez: I forgive you for kissing me!
Everyone: Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call.
Kelly & Erin: Call, text or e-mail, or call.
Deangelo Vickers: (falsetto) Measure your life in love!
Everyone: Remember to call, remember to, call. Remember to call.
Deangelo Vickers: (recall to Dundies at Louie Volpies) Every day, millions of Americans suffer from extreme repulsiveness. Someone in our midst, is bringing that problem to light. Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the Extreme Repulsiveness Award. Oh that's so mean!
Michael Scott: No it's not.
Oscar Martinez: (Toby is shaking his head, no) It's his last Dundies.
Jim Halpert: You gotta play along man.
Oscar Martinez: Come on Toby.
Michael Scott: Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it! (Toby comes up and take the mic)
Toby Flenderson: I really disagree with this. I think it's kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case I was recently a juror on. The Scranton Strangler. That man's being put to death. I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty any more. (Dwight plays a clip from the song Oh Yeah: Ohhhh yeah! Chica chicaaa)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 20 season 7. Michael's Last Dundies is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.