Every line from The Office episode "Goodbye Michael", season 7 episode 21.
Michael Scott: (sitting on the roof of the office building) Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here, getting used to the altitude.
Dwight Schrute: (walking up) Michael?
Dwight Schrute: I've got a treat for you!
Michael Scott: Ahh, thank you. Like a butler.
Dwight Schrute: Colorado specialty, Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Michael Scott: (Michael takes one and bites) Oh, these do not taste like oysters.
Dwight Schrute: (angrily) That's because they're Not oysters, they're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! (Michael spits it out) Hah!
Michael Scott: Sick freak! What is wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute: What is wrong with you? I'm the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didn't recommend me?!
Michael Scott: I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? (Dwight scoffs) The job was not mine to give. (sighs) Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies.
Dwight Schrute: Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio?
Michael Scott: Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket...
Dwight Schrute: Great idea.
Michael Scott: ...in order to feed the bears.
Dwight Schrute: Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs!
Michael Scott: How do you mean?
Dwight Schrute: Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael, what are you thinking?! And they run faster than a horse, so if you were thinking about outrunning one on a horse I would try a cheetah. You, in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a Black Bear. Do you understand? (Michael nods in agreement) You're like a giant walking salami!
Michael Scott: Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?
Dwight Schrute: Any kind of meat that you can possibly name!
Deangelo Vickers: (with Michael in his office) You're not gonna take all these toys are you?
Deangelo Vickers: I mean you don't have a job lined up, so it's not like you have a desk to put 'em on.
Michael Scott: Well I have interviews.
Deangelo Vickers: That's nice. (reaches and a grabs a toy truck) How 'bout that truck? Can I have this little truck? I was thinking I might... glue a stapler on top. Or put a hole here, stick pens in it. (Michael gives an obviously fake smile) You okay?
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes, you know what? Take my favorite truck. Sure.
Deangelo Vickers: You know what? Uh, it's your last couple days, I'm gonna get out of your hair.
Michael Scott: Oh you don't, that's-
Deangelo Vickers: I will be in the break room.
Michael Scott: That sounds good. Thank you.
Gabe Lewis: (sees Andy walk into the Men's Room and follows him in) Stay away from Erin! (cornering him in the bathroom)
Gabe Lewis: I'm your boss!
Andy Bernard: Why don't you, uh, stay away from me?
Gabe Lewis: No, I'm gonna stand where I want. Okay? You don't wanna get on my bad side! I've seen some horrible things! I own over two hundred horror movies!
Andy Bernard: Okay! That's so weird! Just go away!
Gabe Lewis: No! You go away! (storms out, toilet flushes, Jim exits the bathroom)
Andy Bernard: (weak) Hi Tuna.
Meredith Palmer: (to Michael) We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, your favorite.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah that was a surprise...
Michael Scott: You know what, I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody'll like. How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla.
Pam Beesly: (surprised) Okay.
Michael Scott: Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. Alright?
Pam Beesly: Should we get toppings?
Michael Scott: What do you like Pam?
Pam Beesly: (confused) What?
Michael Scott: What kind of toppings would you like?
Michael Scott: Sounds good. Fudge it up! (all seem surprised at Michael's behavior)
Phyllis Vance: (holds up mittens she's knitting) Look Michael, it's a going away present so your hands won't get cold.
Phyllis Vance: It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring-dry gently, and use a hairdryer on cool.
Michael Scott: (hesitantly) Sounds great, I just think it's great. Oh, I have gifts as well! (goes into his office and comes out with a bag) And I will start, by giving the first gift to Phyllis! Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should. Because you have great ideas. So Phyllis, I am giving you this, so you can always remember to speak your mind. (presents to her a mouth wind-up chattering toy)
Phyllis Vance: It's cute. (plays with it)
Michael Scott: Stanley, you love your Sudoku and your puzzles, I bestow upon you, my felt. (gives Stanley a small felt table) May you never lose the fun loving quality in life.
Stanley Hudson: Where's the rest of it, it's got no balls.
Michael Scott: Well, okay... And Andy, Andy who needs confidence that he is a great salesman. I give you, my clients, our ten most important accounts. (other salesmen look outraged)
Stanley Hudson: (angry) Yeah wow!
Andy Bernard: You know I'm the worst salesman here right?
Michael Scott: But you're the best salesman, on the inside.
Phyllis Vance: What does that even mean?
Michael Scott: You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted.
Andy Bernard: I'm gonna lose 'em.
Michael Scott: You're not gonna lose them.
Andy Bernard: I promise you that I will.
Michael Scott: Just do your best! I have faith in you.
Stanley Hudson: (as Michael walks away, Stanley whispers angrily to Andy) Gimme those clients!
Phyllis Vance: (to Dwight) Do you believe that?!
Michael Scott: Kevin, I have something for you.
Kevin Malone: Oh! (Michael unrolls it to reveal it is a caricature of Kevin as a pig eating pizza)
Michael Scott: You know who that is?
Michael Scott: (rips the poster in half) Don't be a caricature Kevin, never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up?
Michael Scott: Good, stand up. (Kevin does so) You will be thin. You Won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore.
Michael Scott: You will find love.
Kevin Malone: Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now.
Michael Scott: Don't be. You should never settle for who you are. (moving on) Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, you are-
Andy Bernard: I just lost Porter Hardware! I just, I lost 'em!
Michael Scott: (quietly groans) Okay, you know what? Just do your best buddy! Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education. And, I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this. (takes a sack tied in the upper middle making a crude head, with a face drawn on, obviously the product of poor craftsmanship, Oscar pretends to like it)
Oscar Martinez: Thank you Michael. It's beautiful.
Michael Scott: Was it just me, or did you think that we were going to have sex at some point?
Angela Martin: It was just you...
Michael Scott: How would you have wanted to do it? Okay, okay. You know what? Inappropriate. I am engaged happily, and you have landed yourself a Senator.
Oscar Martinez: State Senator.
Michael Scott: Mmhmm, bravo!
Angela Martin: You wanna see some pictures? I just got these.
Angela Martin: Uhm, these are, okay this is us at the theater. And antiquing! Oh, rollerblading.
Michael Scott: Who's that? Who's that guy? (points to second guy in the pictures)
Angela Martin: Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide.
Michael Scott: I guess this could be the one, huh?
Angela Martin: Yeah. (Oscar shakes his head no)
Oscar Martinez: (Michael is leaving the accounting area) Oh Michael! Where do you want your last pay check sent?
Michael Scott: My last pay check?
Oscar Martinez: You have an address yet in Colorado?
Oscar Martinez: What town do Holly's parents live in?
Michael Scott: I'm not sure, um, Mountainton?
Kevin Malone: Sounds beautiful!
Pam Beesly: (Michael sits alone eating at the back of the kitchen, Pam comes in with Jim, Creed and Kevin) You should do more stuff like that.
Kevin Malone: I'm going to!
Jim Halpert: (to Michael) Hey! It's almost your last day, come sit with us.
Michael Scott: Nah, I'm almost done.
Pam Beesly: So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder.
Kevin Malone: Finally! That old shredder sucked.
Pam Beesly: It's a good shredder, it just keeps breaking.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, it won't shred magazines.
Pam Beesly: It's not supposed to shred magazines Kevin.
Jim Halpert: Did you break the shredder Kevin?
Kevin Malone: No, it's just... that old shredder sucks. (Michael looks tearful) Just get one that'll shred magazines.
Pam Beesly: I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines.
Michael Scott: (crying) I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one, and I don't think my credits will transfer. Ugh, and you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote. (picks World's Best Boss mug out of the trashcan and puts it back on his desk) I gotta call her, and I'm going to tell her, that I cannot come. (dials on his phone)
Holly Flax: (on phone) Hello there!
Michael Scott: Hi. What is the name of our town?
Holly Flax: Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay?
Michael Scott: No, no. I just needed to hear your voice.
Holly Flax: (Yoda voice) Oh you mean this?
Michael Scott: (laughing) Yes. (Olive Oyl impression) Yes my hero!
Holly Flax: (deep man voice) I'll pay the rent! (Michael laughs) Okay, my mom's looking at me and she has no sense of humor. It's a joke mom!
Michael Scott: (laughing) Ohh, I miss you.
Holly Flax: Well I'll see you tonight. I'll pick you up outside baggage claim.
Michael Scott: Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you.
Holly Flax: I love you too.
Michael Scott: (hangs up and composes himself) Yes, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm, I'm gonna be leaving tonight. I head to the airport at four. (looks at the list of members of the office, with some names crossed out) And I have said goodbye to half of them.
Toby Flenderson: Well you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up.
Michael Scott: (grimaces and nods, Toby nods back at him) Okay.
Toby Flenderson: (smiling) Okay.
Michael Scott: (walks over to Kelly) Kelly! Kelly? Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: (doing make up and irritated) What?!
Michael Scott: If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you?
Kelly Kapoor: Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice.
Pam Beesly: (in conference room with the party planning committee) So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want?
Meredith Palmer: (quickly) Erotic.
Angela Martin: See? This is what happens. You can't let a stray dog into the house.
Phyllis Vance: Hmm, let's hear here out. I would like to hear more about these cakes. (Angela and Pam look uncomfortable)
Meredith Palmer: I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.
Angela Martin: Good God...
Meredith Palmer: They make these cakes, they're wild! I mean, they show everything!
Pam Beesly: I don't, I don't think we sh-
Meredith Palmer: I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black, they do it all. And the women on these cakes, they're not just guy's fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing.
Pam Beesly: (stopping her) Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue.
Phyllis Vance: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it feels good to be represented on one.
Pam Beesly: You know what, I think we should get some other input.
Kelly Kapoor: I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, cupcakes. That's what I said.
Angela Martin: No! I'm not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms! You know, we don't really care about your opinion. You're just a tie-breaker.
Erin Hannon: (walking into the women's bathroom, Gabe storms in after her) Gabe!
Gabe Lewis: I need to talk to you!
Erin Hannon: You can't be in here. This is a lady's room!
abe: Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here everytime you go if that's what it takes. (Creed walks out of one of the stalls)
Creed Bratton: Not cool man. (walks out)
Erin Hannon: I really think you should leave.
Gabe Lewis: Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room.
Erin Hannon: Can we talk about this later, I have to go.
Gabe Lewis: Just read the letter under your windshield wiper, it explains everything. Quick one. (leans in for a kiss)
Gabe Lewis: Okay... (walks out embarrassed)
Michael Scott: (walking into Darryl's office) Darryl!
Michael Scott: I would like to give you, the only copy, of Somehow I Manage. (hands him a thin black folder) Unfinished. If there's anyone here who can finish it, it's you.
Darryl Philbin: That's sweet Mike. Let's see here. There's a chapter, called Gum. With one sentence. Everybody likes the guy who offers him a stick of gum.
Michael Scott: Mmmhmmm. It's true. Darryl, I have one last wish. I would like to use the bailer.
Darryl Philbin: No. Can't let you do that Mike.
Michael Scott: No problem. Worth a try.
Deangelo Vickers: (in car with Andy) okay, so what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? (Andy stares blankly) Hmm?
Andy Bernard: I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.
Deangelo Vickers: That's stupid. (laughing. Nervously, Andy laughs with him)
Andy Bernard: (joking) What do I know?
Deangelo Vickers: (still laughing) What do you know? We gotta get psyched up! Okay? Guy? Let's get psyched! Is there an animal shelter on the way?
Andy Bernard: (confused) Yeah.
Deangelo Vickers: Awesome! Ani Ani Shelto! Here we come. Do you know how to high-five?
Deangelo Vickers: 'Cause if you do now's the time.
Andy Bernard: (going for it) Alright.
Deangelo Vickers: Not while I'm driving.
Deangelo Vickers: (at the animal shelter with Andy) You know how I met Jo Bennett? And got started on my ladder of success?
Andy Bernard: No. I don't.
Deangelo Vickers: (hands Andy a dog) I'm walking along, out of work. Again. Thinking to myself, 'I only have enough cash to by a sandwich, or get drunk. And I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog! So I grab the dog. He runs off. She's so grateful, she hires me.
Andy Bernard: Awwhh, wow.
Deangelo Vickers: Gimme that dog! That's not your dog! (takes the dog from a confused Andy) Yeah! Again.
Andy Bernard: Oh, okay...
Deangelo Vickers: Gimme that damn dog you f***ing thief! Don't ever do It again! (Andy nods modestly) You hear me?! (Andy nods again) You feel that energy?
Deangelo Vickers: Wooo! Yeah! (parades in circles with the dog, pretends to whack Andy with it) (giving it to Andy) Okay, again.
Erin Hannon: I know that Gabe is young, and hot and everything. And he's begging me to reconsider, but I... I just think I'm in love with someone else.
Erin Hannon: I wish I knew who my birth mother was, so she could just tell me who to choose.
Michael Scott: Maybe neither.
Erin Hannon: I'm not attracted to Kevin.
Michael Scott: Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this. At all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful. And you are fun. And you are smart. (Erin is smiling) And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. (kisses her head) And you know what? You don't need a mom. Because you have my number, and you can call me anytime.
Erin Hannon: (nods) Extension 147.
Michael Scott: Okay. (both chuckling. Michael leaves Erin, looking thoughtful)
Phyllis Vance: (on the phone) You want the 27-26 or the 27-30?
Michael Scott: Phyllis. Phyllis, are my mittens done?
Phyllis Vance: No. (trying to finish her sale when Michael hangs up the phone) I'm on a sale!
Michael Scott: Listen to me. It's two p.m. From now until four, your priority is knitting. Knit like the wind.
Phyllis Vance: Okay... (Jim gives a knowing look to the camera)
Michael Scott: Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow. (pulls out an envelope from his jacket)
Michael Scott: So I wanted to give you that. (hands him the envelope) It's a letter of recommendation. (Dwight looks eager. Michael nods to him and walks away)
Dwight Schrute: This is gonna be good. (eagerly reading the letter) To whom it may concern. (off to the side) Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. (reading again) The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme. (to the side again) That's great, if I wanted the dictionary definition I'd buy a dictionary. (reading again, slowly gets sadder) I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme. (holding back tears) Lot's more like that, really repetitive. What's this? (pulling out a small card from the envelope. Reads it) Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball. (checks his watch quickly) Ohhh, yeah.
Deangelo Vickers: (giving his and Andy's pitch to a client) I would just like to start off saying, I have not worked with Mr. Andy Bernard for very long, I can say, is that he is no Michael Scott. I can't sit here and tell you he's gonna be a success. I can't sit here and tell you that he's even the best man for the job. (Andy looks awkward) But I can say this: He's got potential. Sure. You know, I always say: go big, or go home. You go with This guy, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life, OR, the biggest, Good decision of your life. It's either gonna be the best thing you ever did, or the worst thing you ever did. If you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it, for the agreed upon price, (Andy looks hopeful) Andy's not your guy. (Andy deflates) You ever play Russian Roulette? (scoffs) Time to spin the chamber horse. By signing up for another year. (hands the client a folder he needs signed for another year's contract)
Jim Halpert: (Michael walks into the office, still a mess) Ahh, what happened to you?
Michael Scott: You should see the other guy.
Dwight Schrute: (smiles knowingly)
Michael Scott: (looks at the clock to see it is three o'clock) Jim where is Pam?
Jim Halpert: Uhh, she's still pricing the whatevers. The shredders.
Michael Scott: But it is already three o'clock! (Michael leaves, Jim gives a knowing look to the camera)
Deangelo Vickers: (walking out the client's room with Andy) That is cold sir! Absolutely cold. You know what? It was a complete waste of my time.
Andy Bernard: Uh DeAngelo, I'm, uh. I forgot my bag, so I'll meet you in the car.
Deangelo Vickers: (grumbles) Okay whatever.
Andy Bernard: (walks into the client's office again) Sir, I'd just like to apologize, for that. I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is I think he's just a terrible salesman. And I want you to know, that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call.
Stanley Hudson: Yes, what is this about?
Michael Scott: What is this meeting about?
Michael Scott: Okay, here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here, together, because I have something important. Well there's two things actually. Okay first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam. (Jim looks regretful) And secondly, Phyllis how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them. I'm leaving for the day at four.
Phyllis Vance: They're almost done but my knuckles are swelling a little and-
Michael Scott: (cutting her off) Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it!
Stanley Hudson: Is that it?
Stanley Hudson: Is that it?
Michael Scott: (the office looks up expectantly) Ummm... Hm... No. (changing his mind) No. There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes, he's coming right in. (walks out and then back in, now using a Vietnamese accent) Oh hi everybody, it's Ping! (the office groans) And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people! Thank you everybody! You've been so wonderful! (only Kevin is laughing. Stanley tries to leave. Michael hugs him) I ruv you all! I ruv you very much!
Jim Halpert: Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: Sure. (Ping accent) Be right out!
Jim Halpert: (brings Michael into his office) So I've been meaning to tell ya, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.
Michael Scott: (sad) Ohh...
Jim Halpert: What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?
Michael Scott: (holding back tears) Okay...
Jim Halpert: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today right?
Jim Halpert: Wow, so that's it huh? Just, four o'clock and you are gone for good.
Michael Scott: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes... goodbyes are a bitch.
Michael Scott: (pulls out a recorder and speaks softly into it) T-Shirt idea, goodbyes stink. Okay, alright. So. James Halpert. (starts to cry) You started with this company, as a fine young man...
Jim Halpert: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
Jim Halpert: And then tomorrow, I can tell you... what a great boss, you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had. (Jim is holding back tears too)
Michael Scott: (hears a taxi honking) Oh shoot! That's my cab.
Jim Halpert: Listen Michael, I really... I did text Pam, but...
Michael Scott: I know, it's okay. Just, give her a hug. Alright?
Jim Halpert: (shakes Michael's hand) I will see you, tomorrow at lunch.
Michael Scott: I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am.
Jim Halpert: (chuckles) You got it.
Michael Scott: Okay... (crosses Jim off his list) Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: Oh no, they're still not done.
Michael Scott: No no no, let me see. (picks up the mostly knitted mittens) Oh Phyllis, nice try. I love 'em. (waves goodbye to her with the mittens) (Michael begins walking out the office, he takes one last look at all his friends to see them working, and Jim looking back, teary eyed)
Creed Bratton: (drinking from Michael's World's Best Boss mug) See ya tomorrow boss!
Michael Scott: Later guys. (leaves the office)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 21 season 7. Goodbye Michael is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.