Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Inner Circle

Vol. 7 · Issue 22Scranton, PA

Here is every line from the script where Deangelo creates a "boys club" and Ryan pretends to be Kelly's boss. You'll find all the quotes from the episode, including that bizarre invisible juggling routine and the disastrous basketball dunk. It's the best way to see how the office handles the post-Michael Scott chaos.

Scene 01

3 lines
Deangelo Vickers
So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are comin', and they're comin' fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright. I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at 5. Change number one: Darryl. Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night. Full ride. Deal with it.
Darryl Philbin
Seriously?
Deangelo Vickers
Stone cold seriously.

Scene 02

1 line
Deangelo Vickers
They are trying to figure me out. And I don't like it. Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear. And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader. Because as soon as I'm hearing what I want to hear, I'm not gonna care.

Scene 03

7 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Change two, Toby, you're gettin' a new chair.
Toby Flenderson
Thanks.
Deangelo Vickers
Don't thank me! Hey, don't thank me, guy! Okay? And I don't care if you like it.
Oscar Martinez
These sound like good ideas, why wouldn't we like them?
Deangelo Vickers
I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream. You either like it or you don't. (Andy nods) That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions?
Kevin Malone
This all sounds great to me. (hesitates) But I could see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think.
Deangelo Vickers
That is a s-- astute observation, Kevin.

Scene 04

1 line
Deangelo Vickers
Kev's got me pegged. (chuckles)

Scene 05

13 lines
Deangelo Vickers
It blows away Vermont in the fall.
Darryl Philbin
Snap, for real?
Pam Beesly
Good morning, Deangelo.
Deangelo Vickers
Hold on.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Deangelo Vickers
(continuing to talk to Darryl) And if you're really serious, you should go in the spring.
Pam Beesly
Because of the flowers.
Deangelo Vickers
No. Because the entire state smells like Earth.
Pam Beesly
Dogwoods, or just the Earth.
Deangelo Vickers
Yes, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hey, well, good morning. I think I have good news for you today. I found your new executive assistant. My friend Carla. (looking at resume) She's got great experience. We even considered making her Cece's godmother, but she had this boyfriend at the time-- but here's her resume.
Deangelo Vickers
Put it with the rest.
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 06

9 lines
Deangelo Vickers
(entering his office) Hey dudes!
Jim Halpert
Hey!
Andy Bernard
Hey!
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, he hates me!
Jim Halpert
No he doesn't. You just get so nervous and hyper around him.
Pam Beesly
I know.
Jim Halpert
Every time there's a silence, your brain's like "Heh-heh-huh-huh" (imitating crying).
Pam Beesly
Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings?
Jim Halpert
Careful. There is no inner circle.

Scene 07

1 line
Andy Bernard
Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things, to a few guys.

Scene 09

1 line
Kevin Malone
Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! (thinks) Which doesn't exist.

Scene 10

6 lines
Deangelo Vickers
(holding two cups of coffee) There he is! Got ya coffee. (offers cup to Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
Oh, wow, thank you. That was so kind of you. (throws cup in the garbage)
Deangelo Vickers
Not a coffee guy, I take it.
Dwight Schrute
It's just that I own the coffee shop. So, once you've seen sausage being made, all you want to do is make sausage, because it's so much fun.
Deangelo Vickers
Listen. I've got a sixer. "Automatic for the People" on the jukebox. Let's hit the park after sundown. Come on! Pick up some sausage if you want.
Dwight Schrute
I think you'll find what you're looking for (points toward Oscar) over there.

Scene 11

1 line
Deangelo Vickers
No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It reminds me of my relationship with my son. Except there, I'm the Dwight.

Scene 12

11 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Who's the biggest client in the state? I say we go get 'em, whatever it takes. Huh? What do you guys say?
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Deangelo Vickers
Right! Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, I say we just go for it!
Deangelo Vickers
(shoots mini basketball at hoop on office door, misses badly) Is that ball lighter than usual? Is that a Chinatown knockoff?
Jim Halpert
That's Toys R Us, I think.
Deangelo Vickers
No, that's definitely a knockoff. You can feel the center of gravity's off. Feel that. (throws ball to Gabe) What do you think?
Gabe Lewis
(holding ball in open palm) Oh, yeah, totally. Jim, you got ripped off big time.
Deangelo Vickers
(calling for the ball) Deangelo! (shoots and makes it) See what I did there? That's what you need to do. (makes shooting gesture) It's that little English. The British are coming.
Kevin Malone
Yes.
Deangelo Vickers
Deangelo's open!

Scene 13

3 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Hey Ry. Your department's killing it, baby. (puts arm around Ryan)
Ryan Howard
Hey hey, my pleasure, my treasure.
Deangelo Vickers
Keep it up.

Scene 14

1 line
Ryan Howard
The problem with having "It" or "the X-factor" or whatever it is you want to call it, is that it's impossible to put into words what you're bringing to the table. So to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying, strongly implied that I'm Kelly's supervisor. It's not even that much of a stretch. She pretty much does whatever I say.

Scene 15

11 lines
Kelly Kapoor
What?
Ryan Howard
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Kelly Kapoor
Why should I pretend that you are my boss?
Ryan Howard
Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly? I'll tell you what I would have done for you. I'd lie for you.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie.
Ryan Howard
I'd die for you too.
Kelly Kapoor
You really would?
Ryan Howard
(hears Deangelo entering) Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company!
Kelly Kapoor
Sure thing, Mr. Howard.
Deangelo Vickers
Woo. Glad he's not my boss.
Ryan Howard
(whispers to Kelly) You're the best. Thank you.

Scene 16

21 lines
Deangelo Vickers
You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula for a certain popular cola that I shall not name. So I've never had to buy it. True story. I just drink my cousin's.
Dwight Schrute
Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy. Each one better than the last.
Deangelo Vickers
You know what... straight up, why don't you like me?
Dwight Schrute
I'm just not a suck-up like everyone else around here. Okay? I do my job well, so why don't you just leave me alone and let me do it. Okay?
Deangelo Vickers
Ohhhh no.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Deangelo Vickers
Okay? I'm gonna win you over.
Dwight Schrute
No you're not.
Deangelo Vickers
Yes I am.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Deangelo Vickers
Oh yes.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Deangelo Vickers
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Deangelo Vickers
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Deangelo Vickers
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Deangelo Vickers
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Deangelo Vickers
Yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes (starts to run out of the break room) yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes!

Scene 17

9 lines
Jim Halpert
(looking at resume) Uh oh, this former administrative assistant misspelled "administrative" and "assistant."
Darryl Philbin
The winner: under "Special Skills," Mr. Don Feiner put "Juggling." (laughter)
Deangelo Vickers
What's wrong with juggling, Darryl? I'm a big juggler. I actually perform a motivational juggling routine.
Jim Halpert
Seriously?
Deangelo Vickers
Oh yeah. I'd do it for you here, but uh, what would you say this room is, 300 square feet? 320?
Gabe Lewis
320. Just freeballin' it.
Deangelo Vickers
It's a little cramped. How many square feet out there? 17, 18 hundo?
Kevin Malone
Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.
Gabe Lewis
Give or take. (Deangelo walks out)

Scene 18

13 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Sorry gang. Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car. It's not.
Pam Beesly
Oh no, do you think it was stolen?
Andy Bernard
I gotcha covered, boss. Used to play with the parabolas myself. (opens desk drawer and takes out balls) Got some extra balls! (throws them toward Deangelo, who dodges them) Hey-hey-hey-ho!
Deangelo Vickers
Sorry, I never touch another juggler's instruments. You know, we're all here, I've got the music cued, why don't I just do my routine without the juggling balls? (starts to play "Wake Me Up Inside" by Evanescence) Prepare... to go into the danger zone. (begins pretend juggling routine)
Pam Beesly
Oh wow, you weren't kidding.
Deangelo Vickers
No. Never. Can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare! (Kevin pretends to throw ball) Incoming! And we're on! Remember, nothing's impossible! Phyllis, where's Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance
(raises hand) Here.
Deangelo Vickers
Do you believe in me, Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah.
Deangelo Vickers
Because I believe in you.
Phyllis Vance
Okay.
Deangelo Vickers
(pretending to bounce balls off Phyllis at close range) Feel that connection? Don't move your head. Please. Thank you. Oh! Big hand for Phyllis! (clapping) That took a lot of guts! (finishes routine) Ho! I'm Deangelo Vickers, thank you so much, hope you learned something.
Kevin Malone
Didn't drop a single ball!

Scene 19

13 lines
Pam Beesly
(imitating Deangelo's pretend juggling routine) Look. I'm juggling eggs and bowling balls. I'm juggling with one hand. No hands.
Jim Halpert
What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine?
Pam Beesly
What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine? How can you keep defending him?
Jim Halpert
He's good at his job. And I like working for him.
Angela Martin
Of course you do, Jim. You're a man. Deangelo is a huge sexist.
Andy Bernard
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think if he was sexist, I'd be able to tell. I took a crapload of women's studies courses at Cornell. And I wrote my own companion piece to the "Vagina Monologues" called the "Penis Apologies." So I know a thing or two.
Angela Martin
Okay. Then how about I'm the head of the Accounting Department, but he only ever talks to Kevin? What about Pam and Kelly? Also department heads. But has he ever met with you or even asked you to do anything?
Andy Bernard
How could I not see it? You're so right.
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Why don't you talk to him about it?
Jim Halpert
And say what? "Hey Deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist?"
Pam Beesly
Why don't you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office?
Jim Halpert
Mmm-hmm.
Andy Bernard
And if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his penis goodbye. Snip snip. Am I right, girls?

Scene 20

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, you got a second?
Deangelo Vickers
Yeah, I got tons of time. This job's a joke.

Scene 21

21 lines
Deangelo Vickers
So what's up?
Jim Halpert
Umm, really, it's nothing, I was just talking to Angela, and she was --
Darryl Philbin
(opening door to Deangelo's office) Hey, saw Jim come in. We meeting?
Deangelo Vickers
Yeah sure. Let's make it a meeting. (Darryl, Kevin, Gabe enter office)
Jim Halpert
If it's alright, can I just have like one minute alone, just to go over --
Deangelo Vickers
What's the big secret? Why are you even whispering? Come on, it's the guys!
Jim Halpert
I know. (Gabe and Darryl stand on either side of Jim with paper and pens in hand) Just the guys. Well, maybe that's, uh, part of the problem. I think...so what happened was, I was talking with some of the department heads. Uh, some of the female department heads.
Deangelo Vickers
Uh-oh. Right?
Kevin Malone
Hot!
Jim Halpert
Maybe there's a vibe out there, with certain members of the office, that you are...a little sexist, or --
Darryl Philbin
Damn!
Jim Halpert
Whoa. Whoa. Wait.
Deangelo Vickers
Are you serious? Who feels this way?
Jim Halpert
Oh. Like nobody.
Gabe Lewis
Umm, Pam?
Jim Halpert
It was --
Gabe Lewis
Was it Pam?
Kevin Malone
That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Deangelo, she can get really bitchy. (begins bad imitation of Pam) Kevin...
Deangelo Vickers
Guys. Hold on. Doesn't matter who, okay? I'm just happy that Jim brought it to my attention because honestly, I had - I had no idea.
Jim Halpert
That's awesome.
Deangelo Vickers
Thank you.

Scene 22

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(on phone) Mom, Ryan's taking us out to dinner tonight. No, no, he's not going to stand us up like he did last time. He won't ever stand us up again.

Scene 23

5 lines
Ryan Howard
(joint talking head with Kelly) So I am the new customer service supervisor.
Kelly Kapoor
When Deangelo's around.
Ryan Howard
And I am also a very dutiful boyfriend when --
Kelly Kapoor
All the time.
Ryan Howard
All the time.

Scene 24

22 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Erin, do you mind running down to the lobby and bringing up my brand new executive assistant?
Erin Hannon
Absolutely.
Jim Halpert
Hey, who'd you end up hiring?
Deangelo Vickers
Oh, I'm glad you asked, Jim. Because apparently there's a rumor running around here that I am a sexist. I can't work here effectively if you guys think I'm something that I am not. I am not a sexist. Raise your hand if you have a vagina. (Deangelo raises hand, Kelly and Pam sheepishly raise hands) Raise your hand if someone you love has a vagina. (Deangelo raises other hand, along with rest of office) Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just about everyone. What about Deangelo's hand? Oh wow. He's got 'em both up. (Ryan raises both hands) Yeah. Uh huh. (others raise both hands) Yeah, so it bothers me when I hear that there's gossip around here that I treat women lesser than men. Okay? Frankly, we all look a little ridiculous when that happens.
Phyllis Vance
I'm not a feminist, but I think that the men in this office are being given chances that the women aren't.
Deangelo Vickers
Dwight, what's your take?
Dwight Schrute
What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.
Deangelo Vickers
Man, you're smart. (Erin arrives with new executive assistant) Oh, hey! Hi! Hello. Welcome. Uh, everyone, I'd like you to please welcome Jordan Garfield. This is everyone.
Jordan
Hello.
Pam Beesly
So, Jordan, uh, where did you work before? Uh, a law office?
Jordan
No, Anthropology. We don't have this in that size, pretty lame.
Kelly Kapoor
Lame? You worked at Anthropology?
Jordan
Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor
That's like my dream job. How did you even get that job?
Jordan
Well, I umm -
Kelly Kapoor
You chose this job over that job?
Ryan Howard
Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly, we have a lot to get done today.
Pam Beesly
So, umm, is this your first office job then?
Jordan
Yeah.
Deangelo Vickers
Yup.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Deangelo Vickers
No corporate experience whatsoever. I didn't want anyone with any bad habits.

Scene 25

10 lines
Kevin Malone
(heading into Deangelo's office) Jim, you coming?
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah, did he text us?
Kevin Malone
Yeah. (Jim looks at cell phone as Dwight's phone vibrates)
Dwight Schrute
(holds up phone and looks into Deangelo's office) No!
Pam Beesly
Jim, what are you doing? Get in there. This is not the time to take a stand. At least he likes one of us.
Jim Halpert
He didn't text me. (Andy's phone chimes)
Andy Bernard
Yes! I'm in.
Angela Martin
Andy, what are you doing?
Andy Bernard
I'm going in, into the belly of the beast. Gonna infiltrate and change from within. (joins the group in Deangelo's office) What's up, mancave! (makes barking noises)
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Just go in. Just go in, he probably forgot to text you.

Scene 26

6 lines
Deangelo Vickers
Internally, for office use (Jim quietly enters Deangelo's office and sits down) where do we get our paper from? Do we go -
Jim Halpert
(to Jordan) Don't worry, the first day's always the hardest.
Deangelo Vickers
(staring at Jim) Hey Jim.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Deangelo Vickers
Can I help you?
Jim Halpert
Nope. Just... (Deangelo continues staring at him) Okay. (gets up and leaves office)

Scene 27

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
So, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh?
Jim Halpert
Well, there is no inner...circle.

Scene 28

4 lines
Jordan
Dwight? Deangelo wanted me to ask you if there's anything I can help you with.
Dwight Schrute
Really? Anything.
Jordan
Do you need anything?
Dwight Schrute
Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone.

Scene 29

1 line
Andy Bernard
Okay, I do not want to waste your time, so I will keep this br-r-r-r-r-r-ief. Now, word on the street is, Mercy Hospital, back on the market. Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week. Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project. Which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut that assists in the scraping of barnacles --

Scene 30

1 line
Jim Halpert
So this is my life. Until I win the lottery (laughs). Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.

Scene 31

1 line
Pam Beesly
So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer.

Scene 32

13 lines
Ryan Howard
Hey! Kelly, that's the last time I'm gonna talk to you about your paycheck! Okay? We pay you a fair salary here, and if you're only here for the money, maybe you shouldn't be here at all.
Deangelo Vickers
No one likes a money grubber.
Kelly Kapoor
I'm sorry, Mr. Howard, I apologize for grubbing for money. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss. Okay? Frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years.
Deangelo Vickers
Ohh.
Ryan Howard
Oh, that's hilarious, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo. He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically. Just like the way Rango didn't save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding.
Deangelo Vickers
Is this true, Ryan?
Ryan Howard
I did not see Rango.
Deangelo Vickers
Okay, I don't have time for this he said-she said.
Kelly Kapoor
He's not saying anything!
Deangelo Vickers
It's too murky. I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me. Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way.
Kelly Kapoor
That's not fair, I mean, I've been working here for such a long ti-- (Deangelo walks away)
Ryan Howard
(sighs) Oh, close call! Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2 am.

Scene 33

7 lines
Pam Beesly
(knocking on door to Deangelo's office as loud yelling comes from inside it) Hey! It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun, but it's really loud, and some of us are trying to work, so do you think you could do it a little more quietly?
Gabe Lewis
Well, that's gonna be tough, because we're getting a dunking clinic from Magic Jordan himself.
Deangelo Vickers
(chuckles) Oh, you mean Michael Jordan?
Gabe Lewis
(laughs) Total brain burp.
Deangelo Vickers
I'm no MJ. I can do his dunk. From the free throw line.
Kevin Malone
Whoa.
Darryl Philbin
Daaamn! Mad respect for my brotha!

Scene 34

1 line
Darryl Philbin
The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say, and soon, I will say it in Chinese.

Scene 35

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay, well it's just really loud.
Deangelo Vickers
Okay. We'll keep that in mind. Alright, ladies, back to the game.
Darryl Philbin
Do it!
Deangelo Vickers
Jim! Come on in.
Pam Beesly
You're back in.
Jim Halpert
You know what? Instead of a game, why don't we do an exhibition? I'd love to see that dunk of yours.
Deangelo Vickers
Yeah, we'll set that up one day.
Jim Halpert
Today. Now, maybe. 'Cause we have a hoop downstairs and a real ball, so you don't have to mime it.
Deangelo Vickers
Yeah, I don't know.
Jim Halpert
Why not?
Deangelo Vickers
Only because no one has called NASA to request a liftoff. (laughter) Let's go downstairs! Okay? Let's do it.
Dwight Schrute
Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop.
Deangelo Vickers
Damn it, Dwight! Enough! Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper! (Dwight immediately gets up and walks out)

Scene 36

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Okay, a little about me. I respond to strong leadership.

Scene 37

20 lines
Jim Halpert
Alright, there you go.
Deangelo Vickers
Seems a little close, you sure that's the real foul line?
Jim Halpert
15 feet from the baseline, so, you need me to move it in?
Deangelo Vickers
Nah, that's 15. Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Deangelo Vickers
And uh, you know what, to make it interesting, Jordan, why don't you sit underneath the basket?
Jordan
Seriously?
Deangelo Vickers
Yeah, come on. I'll dunk over you. Best seat in the house.
Jordan
I don't, I don't think I can do that. I'm holding your jewelry.
Deangelo Vickers
Right. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Kevin, you do it.
Kevin Malone
Yes! Okay. (sits down in front of basket)
Deangelo Vickers
Someone want to sit in Kevin's lap? Angela?
Angela Martin
No.
Deangelo Vickers
Oscar?
Oscar Martinez
No thank you.
Deangelo Vickers
Okay, Jimmy, this is for you. Show you that anything is possible.
Jim Halpert
Fantastic.
Deangelo Vickers
Alright?
Jim Halpert
Yup.
Deangelo Vickers
This is also for the troops. (backs up, bounces ball, starts running, jumps, lands in front of Kevin, jumps again, pulls himself up by the net, dunks ball, hangs on rim) Doctor is in! (hoop starts to fall) Ahhhh! (hoop crashes down on Deangelo)

Scene 38

1 line
Jim Halpert
(ambulance pulls away in parking lot) Now what?

Scene 39

7 lines
Erin Hannon
(Deangelo enters office in hospital gown with bandage on his head) Deangelo?
Deangelo Vickers
(speaking gibberish) Tablab.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, are you alright? Erin, will you call 911 please?
Erin Hannon
Who should I say is calling?
Jim Halpert
Erin.
Deangelo Vickers
(lots of gibberish) says to bartender (lots more gibberish) Droswip. Droswip.
Gabe Lewis
Droswip, yeah. I get it. Okay, we're gonna get you to the restroom.