Every line from The Office episode "The Inner Circle", season 7 episode 22.
Deangelo Vickers: So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are comin', and they're comin' fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright. I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at 5. Change number one: Darryl. Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night. Full ride. Deal with it.
Darryl Philbin: Seriously?
Deangelo Vickers: Stone cold seriously.
Deangelo Vickers: Change two, Toby, you're gettin' a new chair.
Deangelo Vickers: Don't thank me! Hey, don't thank me, guy! Okay? And I don't care if you like it.
Oscar Martinez: These sound like good ideas, why wouldn't we like them?
Deangelo Vickers: I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream. You either like it or you don't. (Andy nods) That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions?
Kevin Malone: This all sounds great to me. (hesitates) But I could see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think.
Deangelo Vickers: That is a s-- astute observation, Kevin.
Deangelo Vickers: It blows away Vermont in the fall.
Darryl Philbin: Snap, for real?
Pam Beesly: Good morning, Deangelo.
Deangelo Vickers: Hold on.
Deangelo Vickers: (continuing to talk to Darryl) And if you're really serious, you should go in the spring.
Pam Beesly: Because of the flowers.
Deangelo Vickers: No. Because the entire state smells like Earth.
Pam Beesly: Dogwoods, or just the Earth.
Deangelo Vickers: Yes, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hey, well, good morning. I think I have good news for you today. I found your new executive assistant. My friend Carla. (looking at resume) She's got great experience. We even considered making her Cece's godmother, but she had this boyfriend at the time-- but here's her resume.
Deangelo Vickers: Put it with the rest.
Deangelo Vickers: (entering his office) Hey dudes!
Pam Beesly: Oh my God, he hates me!
Jim Halpert: No he doesn't. You just get so nervous and hyper around him.
Jim Halpert: Every time there's a silence, your brain's like "Heh-heh-huh-huh" (imitating crying).
Pam Beesly: Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings?
Jim Halpert: Careful. There is no inner circle.
Deangelo Vickers: (holding two cups of coffee) There he is! Got ya coffee. (offers cup to Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: Oh, wow, thank you. That was so kind of you. (throws cup in the garbage)
Deangelo Vickers: Not a coffee guy, I take it.
Dwight Schrute: It's just that I own the coffee shop. So, once you've seen sausage being made, all you want to do is make sausage, because it's so much fun.
Deangelo Vickers: Listen. I've got a sixer. "Automatic for the People" on the jukebox. Let's hit the park after sundown. Come on! Pick up some sausage if you want.
Dwight Schrute: I think you'll find what you're looking for (points toward Oscar) over there.
Deangelo Vickers: Who's the biggest client in the state? I say we go get 'em, whatever it takes. Huh? What do you guys say?
Deangelo Vickers: Right! Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, I say we just go for it!
Deangelo Vickers: (shoots mini basketball at hoop on office door, misses badly) Is that ball lighter than usual? Is that a Chinatown knockoff?
Jim Halpert: That's Toys R Us, I think.
Deangelo Vickers: No, that's definitely a knockoff. You can feel the center of gravity's off. Feel that. (throws ball to Gabe) What do you think?
Gabe Lewis: (holding ball in open palm) Oh, yeah, totally. Jim, you got ripped off big time.
Deangelo Vickers: (calling for the ball) Deangelo! (shoots and makes it) See what I did there? That's what you need to do. (makes shooting gesture) It's that little English. The British are coming.
Deangelo Vickers: Deangelo's open!
Deangelo Vickers: Hey Ry. Your department's killing it, baby. (puts arm around Ryan)
Ryan Howard: Hey hey, my pleasure, my treasure.
Deangelo Vickers: Keep it up.
Ryan Howard: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Kelly Kapoor: Why should I pretend that you are my boss?
Ryan Howard: Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly? I'll tell you what I would have done for you. I'd lie for you.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie.
Ryan Howard: I'd die for you too.
Kelly Kapoor: You really would?
Ryan Howard: (hears Deangelo entering) Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company!
Kelly Kapoor: Sure thing, Mr. Howard.
Deangelo Vickers: Woo. Glad he's not my boss.
Ryan Howard: (whispers to Kelly) You're the best. Thank you.
Deangelo Vickers: You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula for a certain popular cola that I shall not name. So I've never had to buy it. True story. I just drink my cousin's.
Dwight Schrute: Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy. Each one better than the last.
Deangelo Vickers: You know what... straight up, why don't you like me?
Dwight Schrute: I'm just not a suck-up like everyone else around here. Okay? I do my job well, so why don't you just leave me alone and let me do it. Okay?
Deangelo Vickers: Ohhhh no.
Deangelo Vickers: Okay? I'm gonna win you over.
Dwight Schrute: No you're not.
Deangelo Vickers: Yes I am.
Deangelo Vickers: Oh yes.
Deangelo Vickers: Yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes (starts to run out of the break room) yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes!
Jim Halpert: (looking at resume) Uh oh, this former administrative assistant misspelled "administrative" and "assistant."
Darryl Philbin: The winner: under "Special Skills," Mr. Don Feiner put "Juggling." (laughter)
Deangelo Vickers: What's wrong with juggling, Darryl? I'm a big juggler. I actually perform a motivational juggling routine.
Deangelo Vickers: Oh yeah. I'd do it for you here, but uh, what would you say this room is, 300 square feet? 320?
Gabe Lewis: 320. Just freeballin' it.
Deangelo Vickers: It's a little cramped. How many square feet out there? 17, 18 hundo?
Kevin Malone: Oh, I think it's 18 hundo.
Gabe Lewis: Give or take. (Deangelo walks out)
Deangelo Vickers: Sorry gang. Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car. It's not.
Pam Beesly: Oh no, do you think it was stolen?
Andy Bernard: I gotcha covered, boss. Used to play with the parabolas myself. (opens desk drawer and takes out balls) Got some extra balls! (throws them toward Deangelo, who dodges them) Hey-hey-hey-ho!
Deangelo Vickers: Sorry, I never touch another juggler's instruments. You know, we're all here, I've got the music cued, why don't I just do my routine without the juggling balls? (starts to play "Wake Me Up Inside" by Evanescence) Prepare... to go into the danger zone. (begins pretend juggling routine)
Pam Beesly: Oh wow, you weren't kidding.
Deangelo Vickers: No. Never. Can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare! (Kevin pretends to throw ball) Incoming! And we're on! Remember, nothing's impossible! Phyllis, where's Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance: (raises hand) Here.
Deangelo Vickers: Do you believe in me, Phyllis?
Deangelo Vickers: Because I believe in you.
Deangelo Vickers: (pretending to bounce balls off Phyllis at close range) Feel that connection? Don't move your head. Please. Thank you. Oh! Big hand for Phyllis! (clapping) That took a lot of guts! (finishes routine) Ho! I'm Deangelo Vickers, thank you so much, hope you learned something.
Kevin Malone: Didn't drop a single ball!
Pam Beesly: (imitating Deangelo's pretend juggling routine) Look. I'm juggling eggs and bowling balls. I'm juggling with one hand. No hands.
Jim Halpert: What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine?
Pam Beesly: What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine? How can you keep defending him?
Jim Halpert: He's good at his job. And I like working for him.
Angela Martin: Of course you do, Jim. You're a man. Deangelo is a huge sexist.
Andy Bernard: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think if he was sexist, I'd be able to tell. I took a crapload of women's studies courses at Cornell. And I wrote my own companion piece to the "Vagina Monologues" called the "Penis Apologies." So I know a thing or two.
Angela Martin: Okay. Then how about I'm the head of the Accounting Department, but he only ever talks to Kevin? What about Pam and Kelly? Also department heads. But has he ever met with you or even asked you to do anything?
Andy Bernard: How could I not see it? You're so right.
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Why don't you talk to him about it?
Jim Halpert: And say what? "Hey Deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist?"
Pam Beesly: Why don't you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office?
Andy Bernard: And if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his penis goodbye. Snip snip. Am I right, girls?
Deangelo Vickers: So what's up?
Jim Halpert: Umm, really, it's nothing, I was just talking to Angela, and she was --
Darryl Philbin: (opening door to Deangelo's office) Hey, saw Jim come in. We meeting?
Deangelo Vickers: Yeah sure. Let's make it a meeting. (Darryl, Kevin, Gabe enter office)
Jim Halpert: If it's alright, can I just have like one minute alone, just to go over --
Deangelo Vickers: What's the big secret? Why are you even whispering? Come on, it's the guys!
Jim Halpert: I know. (Gabe and Darryl stand on either side of Jim with paper and pens in hand) Just the guys. Well, maybe that's, uh, part of the problem. I think...so what happened was, I was talking with some of the department heads. Uh, some of the female department heads.
Deangelo Vickers: Uh-oh. Right?
Jim Halpert: Maybe there's a vibe out there, with certain members of the office, that you are...a little sexist, or --
Jim Halpert: Whoa. Whoa. Wait.
Deangelo Vickers: Are you serious? Who feels this way?
Jim Halpert: Oh. Like nobody.
Kevin Malone: That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Deangelo, she can get really bitchy. (begins bad imitation of Pam) Kevin...
Deangelo Vickers: Guys. Hold on. Doesn't matter who, okay? I'm just happy that Jim brought it to my attention because honestly, I had - I had no idea.
Jim Halpert: That's awesome.
Deangelo Vickers: Thank you.
Ryan Howard: (joint talking head with Kelly) So I am the new customer service supervisor.
Kelly Kapoor: When Deangelo's around.
Ryan Howard: And I am also a very dutiful boyfriend when --
Kelly Kapoor: All the time.
Ryan Howard: All the time.
Deangelo Vickers: Erin, do you mind running down to the lobby and bringing up my brand new executive assistant?
Jim Halpert: Hey, who'd you end up hiring?
Deangelo Vickers: Oh, I'm glad you asked, Jim. Because apparently there's a rumor running around here that I am a sexist. I can't work here effectively if you guys think I'm something that I am not. I am not a sexist. Raise your hand if you have a vagina. (Deangelo raises hand, Kelly and Pam sheepishly raise hands) Raise your hand if someone you love has a vagina. (Deangelo raises other hand, along with rest of office) Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just about everyone. What about Deangelo's hand? Oh wow. He's got 'em both up. (Ryan raises both hands) Yeah. Uh huh. (others raise both hands) Yeah, so it bothers me when I hear that there's gossip around here that I treat women lesser than men. Okay? Frankly, we all look a little ridiculous when that happens.
Phyllis Vance: I'm not a feminist, but I think that the men in this office are being given chances that the women aren't.
Deangelo Vickers: Dwight, what's your take?
Dwight Schrute: What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.
Deangelo Vickers: Man, you're smart. (Erin arrives with new executive assistant) Oh, hey! Hi! Hello. Welcome. Uh, everyone, I'd like you to please welcome Jordan Garfield. This is everyone.
Pam Beesly: So, Jordan, uh, where did you work before? Uh, a law office?
Jordan: No, Anthropology. We don't have this in that size, pretty lame.
Kelly Kapoor: Lame? You worked at Anthropology?
Kelly Kapoor: That's like my dream job. How did you even get that job?
Kelly Kapoor: You chose this job over that job?
Ryan Howard: Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly, we have a lot to get done today.
Pam Beesly: So, umm, is this your first office job then?
Deangelo Vickers: No corporate experience whatsoever. I didn't want anyone with any bad habits.
Kevin Malone: (heading into Deangelo's office) Jim, you coming?
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah, did he text us?
Kevin Malone: Yeah. (Jim looks at cell phone as Dwight's phone vibrates)
Dwight Schrute: (holds up phone and looks into Deangelo's office) No!
Pam Beesly: Jim, what are you doing? Get in there. This is not the time to take a stand. At least he likes one of us.
Jim Halpert: He didn't text me. (Andy's phone chimes)
Andy Bernard: Yes! I'm in.
Angela Martin: Andy, what are you doing?
Andy Bernard: I'm going in, into the belly of the beast. Gonna infiltrate and change from within. (joins the group in Deangelo's office) What's up, mancave! (makes barking noises)
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Just go in. Just go in, he probably forgot to text you.
Deangelo Vickers: Internally, for office use (Jim quietly enters Deangelo's office and sits down) where do we get our paper from? Do we go -
Jim Halpert: (to Jordan) Don't worry, the first day's always the hardest.
Deangelo Vickers: (staring at Jim) Hey Jim.
Deangelo Vickers: Can I help you?
Jim Halpert: Nope. Just... (Deangelo continues staring at him) Okay. (gets up and leaves office)
Jordan: Dwight? Deangelo wanted me to ask you if there's anything I can help you with.
Dwight Schrute: Really? Anything.
Jordan: Do you need anything?
Dwight Schrute: Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone.
Andy Bernard: Okay, I do not want to waste your time, so I will keep this br-r-r-r-r-r-ief. Now, word on the street is, Mercy Hospital, back on the market. Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week. Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project. Which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut that assists in the scraping of barnacles --
Ryan Howard: Hey! Kelly, that's the last time I'm gonna talk to you about your paycheck! Okay? We pay you a fair salary here, and if you're only here for the money, maybe you shouldn't be here at all.
Deangelo Vickers: No one likes a money grubber.
Kelly Kapoor: I'm sorry, Mr. Howard, I apologize for grubbing for money. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss. Okay? Frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years.
Ryan Howard: Oh, that's hilarious, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo. He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically. Just like the way Rango didn't save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding.
Deangelo Vickers: Is this true, Ryan?
Ryan Howard: I did not see Rango.
Deangelo Vickers: Okay, I don't have time for this he said-she said.
Kelly Kapoor: He's not saying anything!
Deangelo Vickers: It's too murky. I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me. Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way.
Kelly Kapoor: That's not fair, I mean, I've been working here for such a long ti-- (Deangelo walks away)
Ryan Howard: (sighs) Oh, close call! Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2 am.
Pam Beesly: (knocking on door to Deangelo's office as loud yelling comes from inside it) Hey! It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun, but it's really loud, and some of us are trying to work, so do you think you could do it a little more quietly?
Gabe Lewis: Well, that's gonna be tough, because we're getting a dunking clinic from Magic Jordan himself.
Deangelo Vickers: (chuckles) Oh, you mean Michael Jordan?
Gabe Lewis: (laughs) Total brain burp.
Deangelo Vickers: I'm no MJ. I can do his dunk. From the free throw line.
Darryl Philbin: Daaamn! Mad respect for my brotha!
Pam Beesly: Okay, well it's just really loud.
Deangelo Vickers: Okay. We'll keep that in mind. Alright, ladies, back to the game.
Deangelo Vickers: Jim! Come on in.
Pam Beesly: You're back in.
Jim Halpert: You know what? Instead of a game, why don't we do an exhibition? I'd love to see that dunk of yours.
Deangelo Vickers: Yeah, we'll set that up one day.
Jim Halpert: Today. Now, maybe. 'Cause we have a hoop downstairs and a real ball, so you don't have to mime it.
Deangelo Vickers: Yeah, I don't know.
Deangelo Vickers: Only because no one has called NASA to request a liftoff. (laughter) Let's go downstairs! Okay? Let's do it.
Dwight Schrute: Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop.
Deangelo Vickers: Damn it, Dwight! Enough! Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper! (Dwight immediately gets up and walks out)
Jim Halpert: Alright, there you go.
Deangelo Vickers: Seems a little close, you sure that's the real foul line?
Jim Halpert: 15 feet from the baseline, so, you need me to move it in?
Deangelo Vickers: Nah, that's 15. Yeah.
Deangelo Vickers: And uh, you know what, to make it interesting, Jordan, why don't you sit underneath the basket?
Deangelo Vickers: Yeah, come on. I'll dunk over you. Best seat in the house.
Jordan: I don't, I don't think I can do that. I'm holding your jewelry.
Deangelo Vickers: Right. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Kevin, you do it.
Kevin Malone: Yes! Okay. (sits down in front of basket)
Deangelo Vickers: Someone want to sit in Kevin's lap? Angela?
Oscar Martinez: No thank you.
Deangelo Vickers: Okay, Jimmy, this is for you. Show you that anything is possible.
Deangelo Vickers: Alright?
Deangelo Vickers: This is also for the troops. (backs up, bounces ball, starts running, jumps, lands in front of Kevin, jumps again, pulls himself up by the net, dunks ball, hangs on rim) Doctor is in! (hoop starts to fall) Ahhhh! (hoop crashes down on Deangelo)
Erin Hannon: (Deangelo enters office in hospital gown with bandage on his head) Deangelo?
Deangelo Vickers: (speaking gibberish) Tablab.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God, are you alright? Erin, will you call 911 please?
Erin Hannon: Who should I say is calling?
Deangelo Vickers: (lots of gibberish) says to bartender (lots more gibberish) Droswip. Droswip.
Gabe Lewis: Droswip, yeah. I get it. Okay, we're gonna get you to the restroom.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 22 season 7. The Inner Circle is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.