Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager

Vol. 7 · Issue 23Scranton, PA

Here's the full script for when Dwight finally gets the keys to the kingdom. From the 21-digit copier codes to that accidental gunshot, you'll find every line from the episode right here. It's a look at why Dwight probably shouldn't be in charge of anything, let alone a holster.

Scene 01

6 lines
Pam Beesly
We could get Deangelo flowers.
Dwight Schrute
No, you can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up.
Phyllis Vance
That's true.
Jim Halpert
All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and balloons? (all but Dwight raise their hands)
Dwight Schrute
Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse? (Dwight raises his hand)
Jim Halpert
Nope. Baskets have it.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
So as it turns out, unless you're a young child or a prison inmate, you don't need anyone supervising you. People just come in and do their work on their schedule. Imagine that - people like us allowed to sell paper. Unsupervised. (Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, and Oscar are working while Andy and Ryan play on a foosball table) And yet, somehow it works. It must be because the stakes are so high.

Scene 03

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Well, I really appreciate the offer, but I'm just happy the way things are. Okay. Thank you. (to Pam) That was Jo, asking me if I wanted to take over as acting manager while they find a replacement. I told her... I don't want to mess this up, right? There's a consensus, people are happy.
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) Dwight Schrute. Yes, I would. Thank you. (hangs up) Jordan, gather my things from my desk. (Dwight walks to the manager's office, rubs the door frame, sits at the desk reverently)
Jim Halpert
Wait...
Pam Beesly
What have you done?
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) Mose... you'll never guess where I am right now.
Mose
(on phone) Aaaaahhhhh!

Scene 04

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Can't stay there all day.
Jim Halpert
I'm coming.
Pam Beesly
Do I at least get to go with you in this fantasy?
Jim Halpert
You'd slow me down.

Scene 05

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No. A week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. (Jim puts a pencil into the time clock and pulls it out broken in half) We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now Junior Employee. Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.
Pam Beesly
Stop stalling! Come on.

Scene 06

13 lines
Everyone
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation...
All but Oscar
...under God...
Everyone
...indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. (Kevin finishes behind the rest of the group)
Angela Martin
Amen.
Dwight Schrute
Excellent. Morning announcements! There's been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and you only, okay? Don't share it. (Kevin looks exasperated) Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself.
Erin Hannon
Ooh, about what?
Dwight Schrute
That's on a need-to-know basis.
Erin Hannon
I thought I needed to know for your calendar.
Dwight Schrute
(quietly) General meet-and-greet. So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.
Jim Halpert
Question, if we already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?
Dwight Schrute
Define foment.
Jim Halpert
You define foment.
Dwight Schrute
(clears throat) Please take note of the new color-coding system.

Scene 07

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
(surprising Kelly) Aha!
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, what is wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute
Gotcha! Why are you late?
Kelly Kapoor
It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal.
Dwight Schrute
All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area. (Dwight points to her legs and slowly moves his finger up, stopping at her mid-section)

Scene 08

16 lines
Andy Bernard
In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so...
Erin Hannon
Oh! Darryl's funny.
Andy Bernard
I know, right?
Gabe Lewis
Hey, Andy?
Andy Bernard
Yeah?
Gabe Lewis
Can I talk to you a second about these client memos?
Andy Bernard
Sure. What's going on? (in room with Gabe)
Gabe Lewis
Are you still in love with Erin?
Andy Bernard
What?
Gabe Lewis
Because I am. I need to get her back. (crying) I can't be alone anymore. Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?
Andy Bernard
No, this is horrifying.
Gabe Lewis
No. I don't like being alone with me either, okay? I have to get her back. Are you still gonna date her?
Andy Bernard
We're just friends, okay?
Gabe Lewis
Do you promise that?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now?
Gabe Lewis
No, just give me a second. I don't want anyone to know I've been crying.

Scene 09

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(seeing the Join the Fist flyers that Jim is hanging) Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's the Fist?
Jim Halpert
Oh, it's just a social club. You know, like the French Revolution, or the Black Panthers, or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking, you know.
Dwight Schrute
You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?
Jim Halpert
Nope. Social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. (Darryl enters and brandishes his fist, Jim returns the gesture)
Dwight Schrute
Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.
Jim Halpert
And we would love to have you. But not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything, but I have noted it. (Dwight tears the sign down, Jim hangs two signs in its place)

Scene 10

1 line
Kevin Malone
(inputting numbers into the copier and holding up the line) One...

Scene 11

1 line
Stanley Hudson
(refills his coffee near a sign that reads "Honor System: $0.50" with a camera pointed at it)

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
Pam, I have to show you this video. You're gonna love it. It's Beyonce falling with a fart mixed in. (buzzer to indicate a blocked web site)

Scene 13

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager.

Scene 14

5 lines
Kevin Malone
(looking at empty vending machine) No food now? Someone has to do something about Dwight!
Creed Bratton
He put some snacks in the freezer for us.
Pam Beesly
You mean the frozen mice for the piranha?
Creed Bratton
No. The blueberry Slurpee pouch.
Phyllis Vance
He means the ice pack.

Scene 15

8 lines
Erin Hannon
(on phone) 2:00 should probably be okay. I can either take your number or - (Gabe ends the call)
Gabe Lewis
I'm sorry. This can't wait.
Erin Hannon
He's just gonna call back.
Gabe Lewis
Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. Uh, uh, I sure as hell don't believe in God. (Erin and Angela both look taken aback)
Erin Hannon
(quietly) What?
Gabe Lewis
Or maybe there's a God. I don't know. I mean, it's just not a guy with a long white beard. (Erin looks shocked) Or it could be. I mean, it's possible that that is exactly what - what God is. But for all of the disbelief (phone rings) I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum (phone continues ringing) out... there... uh, do we not have voicemail?
Erin Hannon
Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages.
Gabe Lewis
Well... it's just... (ringing) it messes up my rhythm.

Scene 16

1 line
Erin Hannon
I'm taking a break from dating. Gabe was a great guy with so many wonderful qualities, but it was a challenge being touched by him.

Scene 17

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Wow, you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic.
Dwight Schrute
Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim. The gun is a Beaumont-Adams. Jo collects them. I thought we could have some nice small talk about it. And the piranha's a rescue.
Jim Halpert
And the desk.
Dwight Schrute
The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek. Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim Halpert
I promise...d other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...
Dwight Schrute
Don't make me fire you.
Jim Halpert
You can't fire me. You're acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers.
Dwight Schrute
Don't make me pre-fire you.
Jim Halpert
You wouldn't dare.
Dwight Schrute
Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired.
Jim Halpert
(quietly) If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.
Dwight Schrute
What?

Scene 18

1 line
Jim Halpert
If I had thought that there was a real chance that Dwight would be permanent manager, I would have pre-quit. And you might be saying to yourself, "Well that's pretty premature to think," but I always say, it's better to be pre-pre-preprepared.

Scene 19

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
How you doing, Jordan?
Jordan
I'm good.
Dwight Schrute
Everyone here thinks that you're a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks, which won't last long anyway. As your pale skin and severe bone structure imply, you'll age swiftly and poorly.
Jordan
Why are you telling me this?
Dwight Schrute
Now I want you to find out what people are saying about me, things they don't want me to know abou-(Dwight opens a box and sits down in shock) Ohh... it's a holster.

Scene 20

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
(walking around the office with the holster around his waist) Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Lookin' good. (grunts) Ohh... (stretching out his arms to better indicate the gun and holster) Oh, what a day. What a day.
Pam Beesly
Dwight, are you carrying a gun?
Dwight Schrute
The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. Um, I don't know. I guess he's saying that he's proud of me.
Andy Bernard
Dwight, guns make me really uncomfortable.
Dwight Schrute
The gun is just an accessory to the holster, okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster.
Pam Beesly
Why do you need to wear the holster at all?
Dwight Schrute
Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Phyllis Vance
You could put your cell phone in it instead.
Dwight Schrute
Uh... hello! (indicates his phone clipped onto his belt)
Kevin Malone
You could put a banana in it.
Dwight Schrute
Why would I put a banana in my holster?
Kevin Malone
In case you weren't hungry now, but you got hungry later.
Pam Beesly
Dwight, no gun, okay? Don't make us call Jo.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah! (Dwight goes to flip the gun and it fires near Andy's ear, making everyone jump)
Erin Hannon
Andy!
Andy Bernard
Aah! Aah! It's so loud!

Scene 21

24 lines
Oscar Martinez
My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?
Andy Bernard
(trying to find a pitch) Eeeeeeee... There's like this crazy ringing going on. I can't - eeeeeee... I can't find perfect C.
Meredith Palmer
Okay, everyone make a list of what's lost for the insurance. I lost a necklace, a ring, a painting-
Toby Flenderson
Hey, what happened?
Kelly Kapoor
Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun.
Andy Bernard
(scatting off-key) Something's definitely wrong.
Oscar Martinez
I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms?
Angela Martin
Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD.
Oscar Martinez
(buzzer to indicate a blocked site) Firewall.
Gabe Lewis
I can't reach Jo. She must already be on the plane.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, why are you calling Jo?
Andy Bernard
I think I should go the hospital.
Erin Hannon
I'll go with you.
Gabe Lewis
No! We really shouldn't be without a receptionist. Now more than ever.
Darryl Philbin
I'll take him.
Andy Bernard
Thank you, Darryl. (Andy limps out of his chair and leans on Darryl for support)
Darryl Philbin
What's wrong with you?
Andy Bernard
It's my ear.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Okay, sorry.
Toby Flenderson
(excitedly) Oh, I should get the accident report binder. I've never used the gun violence forms before.
Gabe Lewis
I'm gonna keep trying Jo.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, everyone! Conference room, right now!

Scene 22

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
(enters with a cowboy hat, speaking with a Western accent) Yee-haw! Whoo-hoo! (imitates gunfire) Howdy, partners! It's me, Gun-Safety Dwight! And I'm the rootin'-est-- (removes hat) I can't do this. Um, look. Obviously, a gun went off under my watch, and I'm launching a full investigation.
Stanley Hudson
We all saw you do it.
Dwight Schrute
Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andy's tie look like?
Erin Hannon
Navy blue. Little red anchors.
Dwight Schrute
I have no way of knowing if that's true.
Toby Flenderson
I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? (all raise their hands)
Dwight Schrute
Okay, really?
Toby Flenderson
Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Ryan Howard
I felt terrorized.
Dwight Schrute
Come on.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, there's a whole 'nother terrorism booklet for that.
Dwight Schrute
I just really, really think we should handle this internally.
Ryan Howard
Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Dwight Schrute
Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best.

Scene 23

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey. (Erin gasps) We're back.
Dwight Schrute
There he is! Our hero! (Both Dwight and Erin move to hug Andy) You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories.
Andy Bernard
Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal.
Dwight Schrute
Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Phyllis Vance
How's your hearing?
Andy Bernard
Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.

Scene 24

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I was talking like this. (mouths words while pointing to his ear) I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me.

Scene 25

19 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition.
Dwight Schrute
American Idol? What? No.
Kelly Kapoor
Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Kelly Kapoor
(singing) Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition.
Phyllis Vance
Okay, well, then I want an extra vacation day.
Angela Martin
Pet Day! I want Pet Day back - no dogs.
Kevin Malone
Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit.
Dwight Schrute
I put everything back in the vending machine.
Kevin Malone
Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit.
Pam Beesly
You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Oh, is it my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... you know what? I think I'm good.
Dwight Schrute
Thank God.
Jim Halpert
Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in "Shagadelic, baby," at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough can you do jazz hands?
Dwight Schrute
What's jazz hands?
Jim Halpert
(quickly shakes his hands back and forth)
Dwight Schrute
Fine.

Scene 26

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
(leaves the men's room with an empty fish tank after flushing the toilet)
Kevin Malone
(after entering the men's room) What the (bleep) is that? (runs out of the bathroom) Oh, my...

Scene 27

6 lines
Jo Bennett
Hey, all! Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers.
Dwight Schrute
Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin?
Jo Bennett
Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on. Jim Halpert - the only man that ever turned me down.
Jim Halpert
Well, I don't know about that. Just wasn't for me. But let me assure you, Dwight is firing on all cylinders. Right?
Jo Bennett
Well, some pretty big shoes to fill. I was sorry to hear about Deangelo. He was a good man. Tragic. (Jim coughs)
Dwight Schrute
(does jazz hands, Jo notices and eyes him oddly) Well, what can you do? Life.

Scene 28

12 lines
Andy Bernard
We have to clean this up now!
Erin Hannon
She had so much -
Gabe Lewis
Hey, guys.
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Gabe Lewis
Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Andy Bernard
No! (Erin and Andy laugh)
Gabe Lewis
Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again?
Andy Bernard
Uh...
Gabe Lewis
I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that.
Andy Bernard
Did I say that earlier? Yes, I did. Because you, Gabe, were crying...
Gabe Lewis
No, I was not.
Andy Bernard
And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.

Scene 29

35 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oscar, can you print out last year's sale statements?
Kevin Malone
Hey, Dwight, gimme a back massage.
Dwight Schrute
No, Kevin, come on.
Kevin Malone
My back is sore, Dwight. Massage it.
Dwight Schrute
Kevin, not now.
Kevin Malone
Hey, Jo!
Dwight Schrute
Okay, okay. Shh! (Dwight begins rubbing his shoulders)
Kevin Malone
No, under the jacket.
Dwight Schrute
You're kidding me. (reaches under Kevin's jacket) Oh God, what am I touching? It's moist.
Kevin Malone
I don't feel anything.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, it's so wet.
Kevin Malone
Push harder, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I can't. I can't push harder!
Kevin Malone
Go a little higher. There you go. Nope, higher. Higher. (Dwight has positioned his feet on the filing cabinet behind Kevin and is kneading his back horizontally)
Dwight Schrute
Okay, how's that?
Kevin Malone
Knead it. Knead it like a pizza.
Dwight Schrute
I'm kneading it!
Kevin Malone
Don't eat it.
Jo Bennett
Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
Dwight Schrute
Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
Jo Bennett
What?!
Dwight Schrute
I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse -
Jo Bennett
Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same - you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute
It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Jo Bennett
Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
Dwight Schrute
I take full responsibility.
Jo Bennett
Who else would be responsible?
Dwight Schrute
Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Pam Beesly
You shot a gun off -
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Jo Bennett
Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
Dwight Schrute
Got it.
Jo Bennett
I love you, Dwight. But you don't fit this job.
Dwight Schrute
(on the verge of tears) Jo, please... I will -
Jo Bennett
No, child. No. It's over. Now I gotta find a replacement for my replacement.

Scene 30

6 lines
Jo Bennett
You three are my search committee. You're in charge of finding me my next manager. All righty?
Gabe Lewis
Yep.
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Jo Bennett
Till then, we need a new acting manager. Now, who's got the most experience in this office?
Toby Flenderson
Uh, well, we probably don't want to go just on seniority.
Jo Bennett
Who is it?

Scene 31

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Dwight. What's up?
Dwight Schrute
Shut up.
Jim Halpert
Well, you do know that Jo was right to take the job away from you, right? There's no debating that. But, I will say... in your one week, every single one of the orders went out on time. And I think that is shagadelic, baby. (Dwight sees Creed claiming the desk in the manager's office)

Scene 32

14 lines
Angela Martin
(giving Kevin numbers for the copier) Four, one, seven, one...
Kevin Malone
Another one?
Darryl & Angela
Yes!
Angela Martin
Seven, two...
Oscar Martinez
Could you turn the volume down on the beeping?
Angela Martin
Six, nine, shut up, Oscar. Eight...
Darryl Philbin
Nine first.
Angela Martin
Nine, eight, five...
Kevin Malone
Thank you.
Angela Martin
Three, zero, zero. Again, zero. Four, six...
Kevin Malone
Nice.
Angela Martin
Two, one...
Kevin Malone
Oh, I hit three. I hit three.
Angela Martin
God!