Season 7 Episode 23
Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager
Every line from The Office episode "Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager", season 7 episode 23.
Pam Beesly: We could get Deangelo flowers.
Dwight Schrute: No, you can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up.
Phyllis Vance: That's true.
Jim Halpert: All in favor of the baskets full of chocolates, teddy bears, and balloons? (all but Dwight raise their hands)
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait. All in favor of the knapsack filled with canned goods, chainsaw, gasoline, and emergency radio in case he wakes up post-apocalypse? (Dwight raises his hand)
Jim Halpert: Nope. Baskets have it.
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Well, I really appreciate the offer, but I'm just happy the way things are. Okay. Thank you. (to Pam) That was Jo, asking me if I wanted to take over as acting manager while they find a replacement. I told her... I don't want to mess this up, right? There's a consensus, people are happy.
Dwight Schrute: (on phone) Dwight Schrute. Yes, I would. Thank you. (hangs up) Jordan, gather my things from my desk. (Dwight walks to the manager's office, rubs the door frame, sits at the desk reverently)
Pam Beesly: What have you done?
Dwight Schrute: (on phone) Mose... you'll never guess where I am right now.
Mose: (on phone) Aaaaahhhhh!
Everyone: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation...
All but Oscar: ...under God...
Everyone: ...indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. (Kevin finishes behind the rest of the group)
Dwight Schrute: Excellent. Morning announcements! There's been a problem with some people sharing copier codes. Your copier code is a distinct 21-digit number that is unique to you, and you only, okay? Don't share it. (Kevin looks exasperated) Jo Bennett, our CEO, will be here today for a high-level meeting involving Gabe and myself.
Erin Hannon: Ooh, about what?
Dwight Schrute: That's on a need-to-know basis.
Erin Hannon: I thought I needed to know for your calendar.
Dwight Schrute: (quietly) General meet-and-greet. So I expect you to be on your best behavior, which means none of you will be insubordinate, nor will you foment insurrection.
Jim Halpert: Question, if we already fomented insurrection, may we be grandfathered in?
Dwight Schrute: Define foment.
Jim Halpert: You define foment.
Dwight Schrute: (clears throat) Please take note of the new color-coding system.
Dwight Schrute: (surprising Kelly) Aha!
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, what is wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute: Gotcha! Why are you late?
Kelly Kapoor: It's none of your business, actually. It's very medical and personal.
Dwight Schrute: All right. You stop me when I reach the diseased area. (Dwight points to her legs and slowly moves his finger up, stopping at her mid-section)
Andy Bernard: In fairness, Darryl did tell me that joke, so...
Erin Hannon: Oh! Darryl's funny.
Andy Bernard: I know, right?
Gabe Lewis: Can I talk to you a second about these client memos?
Andy Bernard: Sure. What's going on? (in room with Gabe)
Gabe Lewis: Are you still in love with Erin?
Gabe Lewis: Because I am. I need to get her back. (crying) I can't be alone anymore. Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?
Andy Bernard: No, this is horrifying.
Gabe Lewis: No. I don't like being alone with me either, okay? I have to get her back. Are you still gonna date her?
Andy Bernard: We're just friends, okay?
Gabe Lewis: Do you promise that?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, fine, I promise. We'll never date again. Can we go outside now?
Gabe Lewis: No, just give me a second. I don't want anyone to know I've been crying.
Dwight Schrute: (seeing the Join the Fist flyers that Jim is hanging) Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing? What's this? What's the Fist?
Jim Halpert: Oh, it's just a social club. You know, like the French Revolution, or the Black Panthers, or communism. It's just a club. Guys talking, you know.
Dwight Schrute: You expect me to believe that you're starting a rebellion?
Jim Halpert: Nope. Social club. God, I hate when everybody calls us a rebellion. (Darryl enters and brandishes his fist, Jim returns the gesture)
Dwight Schrute: Okay, you know what? I would love to join The Fist.
Jim Halpert: And we would love to have you. But not today. Unfortunately, it's a bad day, what with Operation Overthrow and everything, but I have noted it. (Dwight tears the sign down, Jim hangs two signs in its place)
Erin Hannon: (on phone) 2:00 should probably be okay. I can either take your number or - (Gabe ends the call)
Gabe Lewis: I'm sorry. This can't wait.
Erin Hannon: He's just gonna call back.
Gabe Lewis: Erin, I am in love with you. I don't believe in much, okay? I don't believe in horoscopes. I don't believe in Christmas. Uh, uh, I sure as hell don't believe in God. (Erin and Angela both look taken aback)
Erin Hannon: (quietly) What?
Gabe Lewis: Or maybe there's a God. I don't know. I mean, it's just not a guy with a long white beard. (Erin looks shocked) Or it could be. I mean, it's possible that that is exactly what - what God is. But for all of the disbelief (phone rings) I believe in us. I believe in love. You have made me believe that for all of the hokum (phone continues ringing) out... there... uh, do we not have voicemail?
Erin Hannon: Dwight doesn't trust robots to give us our messages.
Gabe Lewis: Well... it's just... (ringing) it messes up my rhythm.
Jim Halpert: Wow, you've really embraced the whole Bond villain aesthetic.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, Jim, Jim, Jim. The gun is a Beaumont-Adams. Jo collects them. I thought we could have some nice small talk about it. And the piranha's a rescue.
Jim Halpert: And the desk.
Dwight Schrute: The desk is a replica of Uday Hussein's desk. I saw a picture in Newsweek. Listen, I'm a very busy man. Let's get right down to business.
Dwight Schrute: Jo is coming later today. I cannot have a subordinate trying to make me look stupid. Okay? I need you to promise me that you'll be on your best behavior.
Jim Halpert: I promise...d other people that I would be on my worst behavior. And I gave them my word, so...
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me fire you.
Jim Halpert: You can't fire me. You're acting manager. Not office manager. So you have no firing powers.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me pre-fire you.
Jim Halpert: You wouldn't dare.
Dwight Schrute: Watch this. You're pre-fired. And when I'm promoted, you'll be full fired.
Jim Halpert: (quietly) If you get promoted, and if you haven't fallen in love with me by then.
Dwight Schrute: How you doing, Jordan?
Dwight Schrute: Everyone here thinks that you're a joke. They think that you were hired because of your good looks, which won't last long anyway. As your pale skin and severe bone structure imply, you'll age swiftly and poorly.
Jordan: Why are you telling me this?
Dwight Schrute: Now I want you to find out what people are saying about me, things they don't want me to know abou-(Dwight opens a box and sits down in shock) Ohh... it's a holster.
Dwight Schrute: (walking around the office with the holster around his waist) Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Lookin' good. (grunts) Ohh... (stretching out his arms to better indicate the gun and holster) Oh, what a day. What a day.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, are you carrying a gun?
Dwight Schrute: The holster was a gift from my great-uncle Honk. Um, I don't know. I guess he's saying that he's proud of me.
Andy Bernard: Dwight, guns make me really uncomfortable.
Dwight Schrute: The gun is just an accessory to the holster, okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster.
Pam Beesly: Why do you need to wear the holster at all?
Dwight Schrute: Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Phyllis Vance: You could put your cell phone in it instead.
Dwight Schrute: Uh... hello! (indicates his phone clipped onto his belt)
Kevin Malone: You could put a banana in it.
Dwight Schrute: Why would I put a banana in my holster?
Kevin Malone: In case you weren't hungry now, but you got hungry later.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, no gun, okay? Don't make us call Jo.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah! (Dwight goes to flip the gun and it fires near Andy's ear, making everyone jump)
Andy Bernard: Aah! Aah! It's so loud!
Oscar Martinez: My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?
Andy Bernard: (trying to find a pitch) Eeeeeeee... There's like this crazy ringing going on. I can't - eeeeeee... I can't find perfect C.
Meredith Palmer: Okay, everyone make a list of what's lost for the insurance. I lost a necklace, a ring, a painting-
Toby Flenderson: Hey, what happened?
Kelly Kapoor: Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun.
Andy Bernard: (scatting off-key) Something's definitely wrong.
Oscar Martinez: I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms?
Angela Martin: Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD.
Oscar Martinez: (buzzer to indicate a blocked site) Firewall.
Gabe Lewis: I can't reach Jo. She must already be on the plane.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, why are you calling Jo?
Andy Bernard: I think I should go the hospital.
Erin Hannon: I'll go with you.
Gabe Lewis: No! We really shouldn't be without a receptionist. Now more than ever.
Darryl Philbin: I'll take him.
Andy Bernard: Thank you, Darryl. (Andy limps out of his chair and leans on Darryl for support)
Darryl Philbin: What's wrong with you?
Andy Bernard: It's my ear.
Andy Bernard: Okay, sorry.
Toby Flenderson: (excitedly) Oh, I should get the accident report binder. I've never used the gun violence forms before.
Gabe Lewis: I'm gonna keep trying Jo.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, everyone! Conference room, right now!
Dwight Schrute: (enters with a cowboy hat, speaking with a Western accent) Yee-haw! Whoo-hoo! (imitates gunfire) Howdy, partners! It's me, Gun-Safety Dwight! And I'm the rootin'-est-- (removes hat) I can't do this. Um, look. Obviously, a gun went off under my watch, and I'm launching a full investigation.
Stanley Hudson: We all saw you do it.
Dwight Schrute: Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andy's tie look like?
Erin Hannon: Navy blue. Little red anchors.
Dwight Schrute: I have no way of knowing if that's true.
Toby Flenderson: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this? (all raise their hands)
Dwight Schrute: Okay, really?
Toby Flenderson: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Ryan Howard: I felt terrorized.
Toby Flenderson: Oh, there's a whole 'nother terrorism booklet for that.
Dwight Schrute: I just really, really think we should handle this internally.
Ryan Howard: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Dwight Schrute: Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best.
Andy Bernard: Hey. (Erin gasps) We're back.
Dwight Schrute: There he is! Our hero! (Both Dwight and Erin move to hug Andy) You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories.
Andy Bernard: Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal.
Dwight Schrute: Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.
Phyllis Vance: How's your hearing?
Andy Bernard: Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.
Kelly Kapoor: Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition.
Dwight Schrute: American Idol? What? No.
Kelly Kapoor: Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?
Kelly Kapoor: (singing) Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition.
Phyllis Vance: Okay, well, then I want an extra vacation day.
Angela Martin: Pet Day! I want Pet Day back - no dogs.
Kevin Malone: Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit.
Dwight Schrute: I put everything back in the vending machine.
Kevin Malone: Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit.
Pam Beesly: You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish.
Jim Halpert: Oh, is it my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... you know what? I think I'm good.
Dwight Schrute: Thank God.
Jim Halpert: Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in "Shagadelic, baby," at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough can you do jazz hands?
Dwight Schrute: What's jazz hands?
Jim Halpert: (quickly shakes his hands back and forth)
Jo Bennett: Hey, all! Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers.
Dwight Schrute: Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin?
Jo Bennett: Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on. Jim Halpert - the only man that ever turned me down.
Jim Halpert: Well, I don't know about that. Just wasn't for me. But let me assure you, Dwight is firing on all cylinders. Right?
Jo Bennett: Well, some pretty big shoes to fill. I was sorry to hear about Deangelo. He was a good man. Tragic. (Jim coughs)
Dwight Schrute: (does jazz hands, Jo notices and eyes him oddly) Well, what can you do? Life.
Andy Bernard: We have to clean this up now!
Erin Hannon: She had so much -
Gabe Lewis: Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Andy Bernard: No! (Erin and Andy laugh)
Gabe Lewis: Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again?
Gabe Lewis: I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that.
Andy Bernard: Did I say that earlier? Yes, I did. Because you, Gabe, were crying...
Gabe Lewis: No, I was not.
Andy Bernard: And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.
Dwight Schrute: Oscar, can you print out last year's sale statements?
Kevin Malone: Hey, Dwight, gimme a back massage.
Dwight Schrute: No, Kevin, come on.
Kevin Malone: My back is sore, Dwight. Massage it.
Dwight Schrute: Kevin, not now.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, okay. Shh! (Dwight begins rubbing his shoulders)
Kevin Malone: No, under the jacket.
Dwight Schrute: You're kidding me. (reaches under Kevin's jacket) Oh God, what am I touching? It's moist.
Kevin Malone: I don't feel anything.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it's so wet.
Kevin Malone: Push harder, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I can't. I can't push harder!
Kevin Malone: Go a little higher. There you go. Nope, higher. Higher. (Dwight has positioned his feet on the filing cabinet behind Kevin and is kneading his back horizontally)
Dwight Schrute: Okay, how's that?
Kevin Malone: Knead it. Knead it like a pizza.
Dwight Schrute: I'm kneading it!
Kevin Malone: Don't eat it.
Jo Bennett: Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
Dwight Schrute: Jo... I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
Dwight Schrute: I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse -
Jo Bennett: Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same - you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute: It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Jo Bennett: Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
Dwight Schrute: I take full responsibility.
Jo Bennett: Who else would be responsible?
Dwight Schrute: Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Pam Beesly: You shot a gun off -
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Jo Bennett: Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
Jo Bennett: I love you, Dwight. But you don't fit this job.
Dwight Schrute: (on the verge of tears) Jo, please... I will -
Jo Bennett: No, child. No. It's over. Now I gotta find a replacement for my replacement.
Angela Martin: (giving Kevin numbers for the copier) Four, one, seven, one...
Kevin Malone: Another one?
Angela Martin: Seven, two...
Oscar Martinez: Could you turn the volume down on the beeping?
Angela Martin: Six, nine, shut up, Oscar. Eight...
Darryl Philbin: Nine first.
Angela Martin: Nine, eight, five...
Angela Martin: Three, zero, zero. Again, zero. Four, six...
Angela Martin: Two, one...
Kevin Malone: Oh, I hit three. I hit three.
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