Every line from The Office episode "Andy's Play", season 7 episode 3.
Erin Hannon: Andy? (Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd')
Jim Halpert: Yes! (as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song)
Erin Hannon: Did you write this?
Andy Bernard: Steven Sondheim.
Erin Hannon: Who is he? (rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing)
Angela Martin: What the hell is happening?
Erin Hannon: Oh, who else is going?
Erin Hannon: Gabe seemed to think no one was going.
Andy Bernard: What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right?
Michael Scott: Andy, what time's the show?
Michael Scott: How long is it?
Andy Bernard: Hour forty-five.
Michael Scott: Nope, can't make it.
Andy Bernard: Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?
Pam Beesly: Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.
Andy Bernard: It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.
Michael Scott: I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?
Andy Bernard: If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer.
Andy Bernard: This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?
Michael Scott: I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.
Michael Scott: And scene.
Dwight Schrute: Give me the punch card.
Angela Martin: No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show.
Dwight Schrute: That is not in the contract.
Angela Martin: Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?
Dwight Schrute: Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: Hey, how are those salads?
Jim Halpert: It's my own fault-
Andy Bernard: My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could...
Pam Beesly: We'll keep looking.
Pam Beesly: I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.
Andy Bernard: Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.
Jim Halpert: For a lot of reasons.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I know. Neiche!
Michael Scott: Oh, hey guys.
Stanley Hudson: You brought balloons to a play?
Michael Scott: I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.
Phyllis Vance: It's nice, like Up.
Usher: Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?
Michael Scott: (trying to stuff balloons below the seats) This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.
Michael Scott: No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.
Darryl Philbin: No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me?
Darryl Philbin: Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later.
Michael Scott: All right, I'm sorry. God.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering to man sitting beside him) I work with that guy.
Angela Martin: (after taking her gum out) Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change.
Dwight Schrute: Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.
Angela Martin: Oh, Dwight, just move.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering to man sitting beside him) His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.
Shelby: Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director.
Shelby: I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto...
Shelby: We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott.
Shelby: Enjoy the second act.
Michael Scott: You enjoy the second act.
Shelby: Have a refreshment.
Michael Scott: Thank you. You, too. (steals a bottle of wine from the bar)
Angela Martin: Come on, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?
Angela Martin: These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine!
Jim Halpert: Everything's fine.
Pam Beesly: We can relax.
Jim Halpert: We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on.
Andy Bernard: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!
Sweeney Todd: You found Johanna.
Andy Bernard: That monster of a judge has locked her-(cell phone chiming). Locked her away. (phone continues ringing)
Sweeney Todd: There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. (audience laughs)
Michael Scott: How is that funny?
Sweeney Todd: The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs!
Andy Bernard: Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. (Michael laughs)
Sweeney Todd: What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?
Andy Bernard: (text message chime) You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...
Sweeney Todd: (yelling) Where is Johanna?
Andy Bernard: A madhouse.
Sweeney Todd: A madhouse?
Andy Bernard: Yes, a madhouse.
Sweeney Todd: A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? (Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons)
Andy Bernard: Do you think... (bottle rolling) so you think... (bottle rolling, clanking)
Sweeney Todd: Fogg's Asylum , why not? (balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying)
Pam Beesly: Sounds like Cece.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.
Pam Beesly: (sees Erin holding Cece) Oh, my God! Go, go!
Erin Hannon: I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.
Jim Halpert: Okay, this was pretty simple-
Pam Beesly: Why are you here?
Jim Halpert: (overlapping with Pam) Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.
Pam Beesly: What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.
Erin Hannon: I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything.
Jim Halpert: Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or...
Erin Hannon: Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?
Pam Beesly: You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Erin Hannon: Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want.
Jim Halpert: No, we're good. Thank you, though.
Erin Hannon: Okay. Alright, bye Cece.
Jim Halpert: Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again.
Pam Beesly: Not together!
Michael Scott: Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.
Sweeney Todd: Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet?
Darryl Philbin: Silent. Look, congratulations.
Darryl Philbin: I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!
Michael Scott: Yeah, good job. Well done.
Sweeney Todd: You're the guy who booed me.
Michael Scott: Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.
Sweeney Todd: No, I saw you, and you were the only one.
Michael Scott: Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.
Creed Bratton: Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.
Darryl Philbin: You didn't have to boo him.
Michael Scott: Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling.
Darryl Philbin: How would you like it if we booed you?
Michael Scott: That would never happen.
Darryl Philbin: Boo! Boo!
Michael Scott: Okay. I appreciate the feedback.
Darryl Philbin: Boo! Boo!
Andy Bernard: Are you ready?
Erin Hannon: Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!
Andy Bernard: (pretends to slit her throat) Ah! Blood everywhere.
Erin Hannon: Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, me, too.
Erin Hannon: Okay, I kill you now.
Dwight Schrute: All right, let's do this.
Angela Martin: No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted.
Dwight Schrute: It's okay, I smell.
Angela Martin: No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex.
Angela Martin: Well, I won't tell if you don't.
Dwight Schrute: I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... (Angela reaches into his pocket) Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. (Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card)
Angela Martin: Good night, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Good night.
Andy Bernard: These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.
Erin Hannon: This is awesome. (cell phone rings) Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. (hangs up) Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise.
Andy Bernard: See you later.
Pam Beesly: This night was a disaster.
Jim Halpert: No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream.
Jim Halpert: We could put that in orange juice.
Pam Beesly: Let's get our juice on.
Phyllis Vance: Found him!
Michael Scott: Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I get those every day after work.
Phyllis Vance: Your show was really great, Andy.
Stanley Hudson: Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off.
Andy Bernard: It was like amateur hour.
Oscar Martinez: It was an amateur production, technically.
Michael Scott: Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome.
Andy Bernard: Stop just saying that.
Michael Scott: I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.
Andy Bernard: Thank you. That feels good.
Michael Scott: I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.
Darryl Philbin: Andy, sing us another song.
Andy Bernard: Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight.
Michael Scott: Come on, Andy, seriously.
Everyone: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy Bernard: Okay, all right, all right, all right.
Michael Scott: In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! (imitates vacuum cleaner) I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. (humming theme music) Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about.
Michael Scott: No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act.
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