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Season 7 Episode 3
Andy's Play

Every line from The Office episode "Andy's Play", season 7 episode 3.

Erin Hannon: Andy? (Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd')
Jim Halpert: Yes! (as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song)
Erin Hannon: Did you write this?
Andy Bernard: No.
Erin Hannon: Who did?
Andy Bernard: Steven Sondheim.
Erin Hannon: Who is he? (rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing)
Angela Martin: What the hell is happening?
Andy Bernard: We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.
Michael Scott: (cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song) That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?
Andy Bernard: Like a month ago.
Michael Scott: Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?
Andy Bernard: Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant.
Erin Hannon: I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry.
Andy Bernard: What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.
Andy Bernard: Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.
Erin Hannon: Oh, who else is going?
Andy Bernard: Everyone.
Erin Hannon: Gabe seemed to think no one was going.
Andy Bernard: What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right?
Michael Scott: Andy, what time's the show?
Andy Bernard: 8pm sharp.
Michael Scott: How long is it?
Andy Bernard: Hour forty-five.
Michael Scott: Nope, can't make it.
Michael Scott: They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.
Andy Bernard: Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?
Pam Beesly: Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.
Andy Bernard: Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.
Andy Bernard: It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.
Michael Scott: I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?
Andy Bernard: If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Andy Bernard: This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?
Michael Scott: I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.
Andy Bernard: Noishe!
Michael Scott: And scene.
Angela Martin: Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight.
Dwight Schrute: Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe.
Dwight Schrute: Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.
Dwight Schrute: Give me the punch card.
Angela Martin: No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show.
Dwight Schrute: That is not in the contract.
Angela Martin: Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?
Dwight Schrute: Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Angela Martin: Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. (faint smile)
Andy Bernard: Hey, how are those salads?
Jim Halpert: It's my own fault-
Andy Bernard: My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could...
Pam Beesly: We'll keep looking.
Andy Bernard: Yes!
Jim Halpert: Really?
Pam Beesly: I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.
Andy Bernard: Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: For a lot of reasons.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I know. Neiche!
Michael Scott: Oh, hey guys.
Stanley Hudson: You brought balloons to a play?
Michael Scott: I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.
Phyllis Vance: It's nice, like Up.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Usher: Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?
Michael Scott: Nope.
Andy Bernard: Guys?
Everyone: Hey! Andy!
Andy Bernard: You all made it, thank you so much.
Jim Halpert: You should actually thank Erin, she's the one who agreed to babysit.
Andy Bernard: She's babysitting?
Erin Hannon: I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club.
Andy Bernard: I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her.
Michael Scott: (trying to stuff balloons below the seats) This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
Darryl Philbin: Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.
Michael Scott: No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.
Darryl Philbin: No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me?
Darryl Philbin: Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later.
Michael Scott: All right, I'm sorry. God.
Usher: Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. (Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael)
Kelly Kapoor: Ooooh!
Dwight Schrute: (whispering to man sitting beside him) I work with that guy.
Angela Martin: (after taking her gum out) Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change.
Dwight Schrute: Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.
Angela Martin: Oh, Dwight, just move.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering to man sitting beside him) His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.
Kelly Kapoor: What time is it? (Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad)
Shelby: Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director.
Michael Scott: Hello.
Shelby: I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto...
Michael Scott: Okay.
Shelby: We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Shelby: Yes?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Shelby: Good.
Michael Scott: Good.
Shelby: Enjoy the second act.
Michael Scott: You enjoy the second act.
Shelby: Have a refreshment.
Michael Scott: Thank you. You, too. (steals a bottle of wine from the bar)
Angela Martin: Come on, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?
Angela Martin: These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine!
Jim Halpert: Everything's fine.
Pam Beesly: We can relax.
Jim Halpert: We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on.
Meredith Palmer: (seeing Michael drink from wine bottle) Michael! (bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin)
Andy Bernard: Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute "break a legs" or "I still love you" type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.
Creed Bratton: (on cell phone) Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.
Andy Bernard: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!
Sweeney Todd: You found Johanna.
Andy Bernard: That monster of a judge has locked her-(cell phone chiming). Locked her away. (phone continues ringing)
Sweeney Todd: There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. (audience laughs)
Michael Scott: How is that funny?
Sweeney Todd: The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs!
Andy Bernard: Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. (Michael laughs)
Sweeney Todd: What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?
Andy Bernard: (text message chime) You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...
Sweeney Todd: (yelling) Where is Johanna?
Andy Bernard: A madhouse.
Sweeney Todd: A madhouse?
Andy Bernard: Yes, a madhouse.
Sweeney Todd: A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? (Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons)
Andy Bernard: Do you think... (bottle rolling) so you think... (bottle rolling, clanking)
Sweeney Todd: Fogg's Asylum , why not? (balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying)
Pam Beesly: Sounds like Cece.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.
Pam Beesly: (sees Erin holding Cece) Oh, my God! Go, go!
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God.
Andy Bernard: (excited) That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter.
Erin Hannon: I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.
Jim Halpert: Okay, this was pretty simple-
Pam Beesly: Why are you here?
Jim Halpert: (overlapping with Pam) Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.
Pam Beesly: What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.
Erin Hannon: I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything.
Jim Halpert: Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or...
Erin Hannon: Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?
Pam Beesly: You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Erin Hannon: Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want.
Jim Halpert: No, we're good. Thank you, though.
Erin Hannon: Okay. Alright, bye Cece.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again.
Pam Beesly: Not together!
Michael Scott: (during curtain call for Sweeney Todd) Boo! Boo!
Angela Martin: That was more horrifying than Nunsense.
Dwight Schrute: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
Angela Martin: Where's my car? Come on.
Michael Scott: Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.
Sweeney Todd: Darryl?
Darryl Philbin: Hey!
Sweeney Todd: Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet?
Darryl Philbin: Silent. Look, congratulations.
Sweeney Todd: Thank you.
Darryl Philbin: I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!
Michael Scott: Yeah, good job. Well done.
Sweeney Todd: You're the guy who booed me.
Michael Scott: Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.
Sweeney Todd: No, I saw you, and you were the only one.
Michael Scott: Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.
Creed Bratton: Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.
Sweeney Todd: Thank you.
Darryl Philbin: You didn't have to boo him.
Michael Scott: Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling.
Darryl Philbin: How would you like it if we booed you?
Michael Scott: That would never happen.
Darryl Philbin: Boo! Boo!
Michael Scott: Okay. I appreciate the feedback.
Darryl Philbin: Boo! Boo!
Michael Scott: I don't like that at all.
Andy Bernard: Are you ready?
Erin Hannon: Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!
Andy Bernard: (pretends to slit her throat) Ah! Blood everywhere.
Erin Hannon: Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, me, too.
Erin Hannon: Okay, I kill you now.
Andy Bernard: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: All right, let's do this.
Angela Martin: No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted.
Dwight Schrute: It's okay, I smell.
Angela Martin: No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex.
Angela Martin: Well, I won't tell if you don't.
Dwight Schrute: I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... (Angela reaches into his pocket) Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. (Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card)
Angela Martin: Good night, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Good night.
Andy Bernard: These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.
Erin Hannon: This is awesome. (cell phone rings) Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. (hangs up) Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise.
Andy Bernard: Awesome.
Erin Hannon: Okay.
Andy Bernard: See you later.
Erin Hannon: Thank you.
Jim Halpert: (attempting to move car seat) It's like The Hurt Locker!
Pam Beesly: This night was a disaster.
Jim Halpert: No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream.
Pam Beesly: Yeah?
Jim Halpert: We could put that in orange juice.
Pam Beesly: Get it.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Pam Beesly: Let's get our juice on.
Jim Halpert: Yeah!
Phyllis Vance: Found him!
Michael Scott: Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I get those every day after work.
Phyllis Vance: Your show was really great, Andy.
Stanley Hudson: Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off.
Andy Bernard: It was like amateur hour.
Oscar Martinez: It was an amateur production, technically.
Michael Scott: Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome.
Andy Bernard: Stop just saying that.
Michael Scott: I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.
Andy Bernard: Thank you. That feels good.
Michael Scott: I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.
Darryl Philbin: Andy, sing us another song.
Andy Bernard: Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight.
Michael Scott: Come on, Andy, seriously.
Everyone: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy Bernard: Okay, all right, all right, all right.
Andy Bernard: (sings Macy Gray's "I Try" and everyone joins in)
Michael Scott: In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! (imitates vacuum cleaner) I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. (humming theme music) Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about.
Shelby: Thanks you.
Michael Scott: No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 3 season 7. Andy's Play is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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