Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Andy's Play

Vol. 7 · Issue 3Scranton, PA

Here is every line from the night Andy Bernard finally gets his moment in the spotlight—or at least tries to, between Michael's heckling and a rolling wine bottle. You can find the full script from the performance here, including all of Michael's unintentional improv and Erin's babysitting mishaps. It's the complete collection of quotes from the Scranton production of Sweeney Todd.

Scene 01

8 lines
Erin Hannon
Andy? (Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd')
Jim Halpert
Yes! (as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song)
Erin Hannon
Did you write this?
Andy Bernard
No.
Erin Hannon
Who did?
Andy Bernard
Steven Sondheim.
Erin Hannon
Who is he? (rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing)
Angela Martin
What the hell is happening?

Scene 02

1 line
Andy Bernard
We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.

Scene 03

3 lines
Michael Scott
(cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song) That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?
Andy Bernard
Like a month ago.
Michael Scott
Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?

Scene 04

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant.
Erin Hannon
I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry.
Andy Bernard
What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.

Scene 05

1 line
Andy Bernard
Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

Scene 06

9 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh, who else is going?
Andy Bernard
Everyone.
Erin Hannon
Gabe seemed to think no one was going.
Andy Bernard
What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right?
Michael Scott
Andy, what time's the show?
Andy Bernard
8pm sharp.
Michael Scott
How long is it?
Andy Bernard
Hour forty-five.
Michael Scott
Nope, can't make it.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.

Scene 08

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?
Pam Beesly
Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.
Andy Bernard
Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.

Scene 09

8 lines
Andy Bernard
It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.
Michael Scott
I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?
Andy Bernard
If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer.
Michael Scott
Wow.
Andy Bernard
This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?
Michael Scott
I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.
Andy Bernard
Noishe!
Michael Scott
And scene.

Scene 10

2 lines
Angela Martin
Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight.
Dwight Schrute
Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe.

Scene 11

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.

Scene 12

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Give me the punch card.
Angela Martin
No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show.
Dwight Schrute
That is not in the contract.
Angela Martin
Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?
Dwight Schrute
Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape.
Angela Martin
Thank you.

Scene 13

1 line
Angela Martin
Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. (faint smile)

Scene 14

11 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, how are those salads?
Jim Halpert
It's my own fault-
Andy Bernard
My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could...
Pam Beesly
We'll keep looking.
Andy Bernard
Yes!
Jim Halpert
Really?
Pam Beesly
I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.
Andy Bernard
Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
For a lot of reasons.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I know. Neiche!

Scene 15

7 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, hey guys.
Stanley Hudson
You brought balloons to a play?
Michael Scott
I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.
Phyllis Vance
It's nice, like Up.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Usher
Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?
Michael Scott
Nope.

Scene 16

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Guys?
Everyone
Hey! Andy!
Andy Bernard
You all made it, thank you so much.
Jim Halpert
You should actually thank Erin, she's the one who agreed to babysit.
Andy Bernard
She's babysitting?

Scene 17

1 line
Erin Hannon
I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club.

Scene 18

1 line
Andy Bernard
I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her.

Scene 19

7 lines
Michael Scott
(trying to stuff balloons below the seats) This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
Darryl Philbin
Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.
Michael Scott
No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.
Darryl Philbin
No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me?
Darryl Philbin
Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later.
Michael Scott
All right, I'm sorry. God.

Scene 20

2 lines
Usher
Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. (Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael)
Kelly Kapoor
Ooooh!

Scene 21

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
(whispering to man sitting beside him) I work with that guy.
Angela Martin
(after taking her gum out) Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change.
Dwight Schrute
Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.
Angela Martin
Oh, Dwight, just move.
Dwight Schrute
(whispering to man sitting beside him) His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.

Scene 22

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
What time is it? (Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad)

Scene 23

14 lines
Shelby
Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director.
Michael Scott
Hello.
Shelby
I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto...
Michael Scott
Okay.
Shelby
We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Shelby
Yes?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Shelby
Good.
Michael Scott
Good.
Shelby
Enjoy the second act.
Michael Scott
You enjoy the second act.
Shelby
Have a refreshment.
Michael Scott
Thank you. You, too. (steals a bottle of wine from the bar)

Scene 24

4 lines
Angela Martin
Come on, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?
Angela Martin
These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.
Dwight Schrute
Let's go.

Scene 25

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine!
Jim Halpert
Everything's fine.
Pam Beesly
We can relax.
Jim Halpert
We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on.

Scene 26

1 line
Meredith Palmer
(seeing Michael drink from wine bottle) Michael! (bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin)

Scene 27

1 line
Andy Bernard
Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute "break a legs" or "I still love you" type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.

Scene 28

1 line
Creed Bratton
(on cell phone) Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.

Scene 29

20 lines
Andy Bernard
Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!
Sweeney Todd
You found Johanna.
Andy Bernard
That monster of a judge has locked her-(cell phone chiming). Locked her away. (phone continues ringing)
Sweeney Todd
There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. (audience laughs)
Michael Scott
How is that funny?
Sweeney Todd
The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs!
Andy Bernard
Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. (Michael laughs)
Sweeney Todd
What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?
Andy Bernard
(text message chime) You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...
Sweeney Todd
(yelling) Where is Johanna?
Andy Bernard
A madhouse.
Sweeney Todd
A madhouse?
Andy Bernard
Yes, a madhouse.
Sweeney Todd
A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? (Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons)
Andy Bernard
Do you think... (bottle rolling) so you think... (bottle rolling, clanking)
Sweeney Todd
Fogg's Asylum , why not? (balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying)
Pam Beesly
Sounds like Cece.
Jim Halpert
Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.
Pam Beesly
(sees Erin holding Cece) Oh, my God! Go, go!
Jim Halpert
Oh, my God.

Scene 30

1 line
Andy Bernard
(excited) That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter.

Scene 31

15 lines
Erin Hannon
I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.
Jim Halpert
Okay, this was pretty simple-
Pam Beesly
Why are you here?
Jim Halpert
(overlapping with Pam) Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.
Pam Beesly
What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.
Erin Hannon
I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything.
Jim Halpert
Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or...
Erin Hannon
Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?
Pam Beesly
You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Erin Hannon
Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want.
Jim Halpert
No, we're good. Thank you, though.
Erin Hannon
Okay. Alright, bye Cece.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again.
Pam Beesly
Not together!

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
(during curtain call for Sweeney Todd) Boo! Boo!

Scene 33

3 lines
Angela Martin
That was more horrifying than Nunsense.
Dwight Schrute
All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
Angela Martin
Where's my car? Come on.

Scene 34

21 lines
Michael Scott
Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.
Sweeney Todd
Darryl?
Darryl Philbin
Hey!
Sweeney Todd
Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet?
Darryl Philbin
Silent. Look, congratulations.
Sweeney Todd
Thank you.
Darryl Philbin
I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!
Michael Scott
Yeah, good job. Well done.
Sweeney Todd
You're the guy who booed me.
Michael Scott
Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.
Sweeney Todd
No, I saw you, and you were the only one.
Michael Scott
Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.
Creed Bratton
Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.
Sweeney Todd
Thank you.
Darryl Philbin
You didn't have to boo him.
Michael Scott
Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling.
Darryl Philbin
How would you like it if we booed you?
Michael Scott
That would never happen.
Darryl Philbin
Boo! Boo!
Michael Scott
Okay. I appreciate the feedback.
Darryl Philbin
Boo! Boo!

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
I don't like that at all.

Scene 36

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Are you ready?
Erin Hannon
Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!
Andy Bernard
(pretends to slit her throat) Ah! Blood everywhere.
Erin Hannon
Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, me, too.
Erin Hannon
Okay, I kill you now.
Andy Bernard
Okay.

Scene 37

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
All right, let's do this.
Angela Martin
No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted.
Dwight Schrute
It's okay, I smell.
Angela Martin
No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex.
Angela Martin
Well, I won't tell if you don't.
Dwight Schrute
I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... (Angela reaches into his pocket) Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. (Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card)
Angela Martin
Good night, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Good night.

Scene 38

6 lines
Andy Bernard
These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.
Erin Hannon
This is awesome. (cell phone rings) Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. (hangs up) Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise.
Andy Bernard
Awesome.
Erin Hannon
Okay.
Andy Bernard
See you later.
Erin Hannon
Thank you.

Scene 39

1 line
Jim Halpert
(attempting to move car seat) It's like The Hurt Locker!

Scene 40

8 lines
Pam Beesly
This night was a disaster.
Jim Halpert
No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream.
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Jim Halpert
We could put that in orange juice.
Pam Beesly
Get it.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Let's get our juice on.
Jim Halpert
Yeah!

Scene 41

19 lines
Phyllis Vance
Found him!
Michael Scott
Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I get those every day after work.
Phyllis Vance
Your show was really great, Andy.
Stanley Hudson
Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off.
Andy Bernard
It was like amateur hour.
Oscar Martinez
It was an amateur production, technically.
Michael Scott
Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome.
Andy Bernard
Stop just saying that.
Michael Scott
I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.
Andy Bernard
Thank you. That feels good.
Michael Scott
I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.
Darryl Philbin
Andy, sing us another song.
Andy Bernard
Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight.
Michael Scott
Come on, Andy, seriously.
Everyone
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy Bernard
Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Scene 42

1 line
Andy Bernard
(sings Macy Gray's "I Try" and everyone joins in)

Scene 43

3 lines
Michael Scott
In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! (imitates vacuum cleaner) I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. (humming theme music) Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about.
Shelby
Thanks you.
Michael Scott
No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act.