Scene 018 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Andy? (Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd')Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes! (as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song)Erin HannonOpen quote: Did you write this?Andy BernardOpen quote: No.Erin HannonOpen quote: Who did?Andy BernardOpen quote: Steven Sondheim.Erin HannonOpen quote: Who is he? (rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing)Angela MartinOpen quote: What the hell is happening?
Scene 021 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. We open in a couple weeks at the Loose Screw Playhouse here in Scranton and today just doing a wee bit of viral marketing.
Scene 033 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song) That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up?Andy BernardOpen quote: Like a month ago.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy?
Scene 043 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant.Erin HannonOpen quote: I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry.Andy BernardOpen quote: What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.
Scene 051 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.
Scene 069 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Oh, who else is going?Andy BernardOpen quote: Everyone.Erin HannonOpen quote: Gabe seemed to think no one was going.Andy BernardOpen quote: What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right?Michael ScottOpen quote: Andy, what time's the show?Andy BernardOpen quote: 8pm sharp.Michael ScottOpen quote: How long is it?Andy BernardOpen quote: Hour forty-five.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope, can't make it.
Scene 071 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.
Scene 084 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.Andy BernardOpen quote: Dwight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.
Scene 098 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.Michael ScottOpen quote: I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?Andy BernardOpen quote: If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow.Andy BernardOpen quote: This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?Michael ScottOpen quote: I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.Andy BernardOpen quote: Noishe!Michael ScottOpen quote: And scene.
Scene 102 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe.
Scene 111 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.
Scene 126 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Give me the punch card.Angela MartinOpen quote: No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is not in the contract.Angela MartinOpen quote: Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape.Angela MartinOpen quote: Thank you.
Scene 131 lineAngela MartinOpen quote: Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. (faint smile)
Scene 1411 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey, how are those salads?Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's my own fault-Andy BernardOpen quote: My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We'll keep looking.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: For a lot of reasons.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, I know. Neiche!
Scene 157 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh, hey guys.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You brought balloons to a play?Michael ScottOpen quote: I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: It's nice, like Up.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.UsherOpen quote: Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition?Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope.
Scene 165 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Guys?EveryoneOpen quote: Hey! Andy!Andy BernardOpen quote: You all made it, thank you so much.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You should actually thank Erin, she's the one who agreed to babysit.Andy BernardOpen quote: She's babysitting?
Scene 171 lineErin HannonOpen quote: I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club.
Scene 197 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (trying to stuff balloons below the seats) This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.Michael ScottOpen quote: Are you kidding me?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, I'm sorry. God.
Scene 202 linesUsherOpen quote: Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. (Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael)Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Ooooh!
Scene 215 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering to man sitting beside him) I work with that guy.Angela MartinOpen quote: (after taking her gum out) Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh, Dwight, just move.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering to man sitting beside him) His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.
Scene 221 lineKelly KapoorOpen quote: What time is it? (Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad)
Scene 2314 linesShelbyOpen quote: Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hello.ShelbyOpen quote: I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto...Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.ShelbyOpen quote: We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.ShelbyOpen quote: Yes?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.ShelbyOpen quote: Good.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good.ShelbyOpen quote: Enjoy the second act.Michael ScottOpen quote: You enjoy the second act.ShelbyOpen quote: Have a refreshment.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you. You, too. (steals a bottle of wine from the bar)
Scene 244 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Come on, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model?Angela MartinOpen quote: These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's go.
Scene 254 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Everything's fine.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We can relax.Jim HalpertOpen quote: We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on.
Scene 261 lineMeredith PalmerOpen quote: (seeing Michael drink from wine bottle) Michael! (bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin)
Scene 271 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute "break a legs" or "I still love you" type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.
Scene 281 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: (on cell phone) Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph.
Scene 2920 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!Sweeney ToddOpen quote: You found Johanna.Andy BernardOpen quote: That monster of a judge has locked her-(cell phone chiming). Locked her away. (phone continues ringing)Sweeney ToddOpen quote: There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. (audience laughs)Michael ScottOpen quote: How is that funny?Sweeney ToddOpen quote: The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs!Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. (Michael laughs)Sweeney ToddOpen quote: What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?Andy BernardOpen quote: (text message chime) You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But...Sweeney ToddOpen quote: (yelling) Where is Johanna?Andy BernardOpen quote: A madhouse.Sweeney ToddOpen quote: A madhouse?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes, a madhouse.Sweeney ToddOpen quote: A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? (Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons)Andy BernardOpen quote: Do you think... (bottle rolling) so you think... (bottle rolling, clanking)Sweeney ToddOpen quote: Fogg's Asylum , why not? (balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sounds like Cece.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (sees Erin holding Cece) Oh, my God! Go, go!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, my God.
Scene 301 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: (excited) That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter.
Scene 3115 linesErin HannonOpen quote: I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, this was pretty simple-Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Why are you here?Jim HalpertOpen quote: (overlapping with Pam) Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.Erin HannonOpen quote: I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or...Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.Erin HannonOpen quote: Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, we're good. Thank you, though.Erin HannonOpen quote: Okay. Alright, bye Cece.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Not together!
Scene 333 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: That was more horrifying than Nunsense.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.Angela MartinOpen quote: Where's my car? Come on.
Scene 3421 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.Sweeney ToddOpen quote: Darryl?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey!Sweeney ToddOpen quote: Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Silent. Look, congratulations.Sweeney ToddOpen quote: Thank you.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I had no idea. This plumber has pipes!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, good job. Well done.Sweeney ToddOpen quote: You're the guy who booed me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em.Sweeney ToddOpen quote: No, I saw you, and you were the only one.Michael ScottOpen quote: Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work.Sweeney ToddOpen quote: Thank you.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You didn't have to boo him.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: How would you like it if we booed you?Michael ScottOpen quote: That would never happen.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Boo! Boo!Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. I appreciate the feedback.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Boo! Boo!
Scene 367 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Are you ready?Erin HannonOpen quote: Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!Andy BernardOpen quote: (pretends to slit her throat) Ah! Blood everywhere.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, me, too.Erin HannonOpen quote: Okay, I kill you now.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 379 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: All right, let's do this.Angela MartinOpen quote: No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's okay, I smell.Angela MartinOpen quote: No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex.Angela MartinOpen quote: Well, I won't tell if you don't.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... (Angela reaches into his pocket) Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. (Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card)Angela MartinOpen quote: Good night, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good night.
Scene 386 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here.Erin HannonOpen quote: This is awesome. (cell phone rings) Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. (hangs up) Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise.Andy BernardOpen quote: Awesome.Erin HannonOpen quote: Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: See you later.Erin HannonOpen quote: Thank you.
Scene 408 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: This night was a disaster.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah?Jim HalpertOpen quote: We could put that in orange juice.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Get it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Let's get our juice on.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah!
Scene 4119 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Found him!Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, I guess you could say that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, I get those every day after work.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Your show was really great, Andy.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off.Andy BernardOpen quote: It was like amateur hour.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It was an amateur production, technically.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome.Andy BernardOpen quote: Stop just saying that.Michael ScottOpen quote: I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you. That feels good.Michael ScottOpen quote: I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Andy, sing us another song.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Come on, Andy, seriously.EveryoneOpen quote: Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, all right, all right, all right.
Scene 433 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! (imitates vacuum cleaner) I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. (humming theme music) Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about.ShelbyOpen quote: Thanks you.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act.