Michael thinks he has herpes, so he contacts all of his ex-girlfriends in this episode of The Office. This page includes the full script for "Sex Ed", the fourth episode of season 7.
Dwight Schrute:(driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work) Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! (man walks away) Que? QUE?
Mexican Man:(speaking Spanish)
Son:We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back.
Mexican Man:(speaking Spanish)
Son:We've lost friends.
Mexican Man:(speaking Spanish)
Son:We don't know what he does with them.
Mexican Man:(speaking Spanish)
Son:I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Dwight Schrute:I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada.
Nate Nickerson:Hola amigo.
Dwight Schrute:Hola, tu es une buena worker?
Nate Nickerson:Si, yo muy bueno worker.
Dwight Schrute:Y el accento, donde are you from?
Nate Nickerson:Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia.
Dwight Schrute:You speak English?
Nate Nickerson:Yes, I'm really good at English.
Dwight Schrute:Ok, good. Me too, get in the car.
Nate Nickerson:(quietly) Okay.
Dwight Schrute:(nods to camera)
Angela Martin:(seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot) Who's this guy by our cars?
Dwight Schrute:That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
Phyllis Vance:Yeah, I got stung up my dress.
Dwight Schrute:Poor hornet.
Dwight Schrute:(looking outside through the window) I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets...
Ryan Howard:But if he doesn't?
Dwight Schrute:He'll die.
Kelly Kapoor:What?
Andy Bernard:Uhh, beg your pardon?
Dwight Schrute:When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?
Nate Nickerson:(picks up blowtorch)
Kelly Kapoor:Is that a blow torch?!
Pam Beesly:No. No no no! (nos coming from all employees)
Dwight Schrute:Interesting choice...
Pam Beesly:(Nate starts walking away from hornet's nest, puts down the blowtorch) Yes!
Andy Bernard:Very very smart.
Pam Beesly:Yeah, go away. (Kelly nodding)
Nate Nickerson:(picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet's nest)
Employees except Dwight:No! No no!
Dwight Schrute:A bat! Impressive...
Andy Bernard:Oh it's stinging him! Ow! Ow! (yelling all around the office)
Michael Scott:(walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on) Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?
Erin Hannon:(giggles) Terrific!
Michael Scott:There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. (spinning in chair) He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.
Phyllis Vance:(seeing a large red spot on Michael's lip) God! Wow!
Michael Scott:(shying away) Look, (sighs) It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Phyllis Vance:That's no pimple Michael.
Michael Scott:You mean cancer?
Pam Beesly:What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.
Pam Beesly:It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.
Meredith Palmer:Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a cold sore.
Michael Scott:It is?
Meredith Palmer:Yup, just a cold sore.
Michael Scott:Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.
Kevin Malone:I know how you got it. (smug expression on his face)
Michael Scott:How?
Kevin Malone:Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.
Michael Scott:What?
Pam Beesly:Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don't know what that is.
Meredith Palmer:I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.
Kevin Malone:I never seen herpes on you.
Meredith Palmer:Because it's on my genitals, genius.
Kevin Malone:You have a penis?
Andy Bernard:Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?
Michael Scott:Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.
Jim Halpert:That was like, ten years ago.
Michael Scott:No! It was like four years ago!
Kevin Malone:Michael, you're at least forty six!
Michael Scott:Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six. (later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore)
Kelly Kapoor:Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?
Angela Martin:This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.
Andy Bernard:You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.
Kelly Kapoor:I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs.
Oscar Martinez:I don't even wanna know these things!
Meredith Palmer:(walking in) Hey guys! (Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room)
Michael Scott:How did this happen, how did I get this?
Dwight Schrute:Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it.
Michael Scott:You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. (in pirate voice) It's me own damn fault. Woman in every port.
Dwight Schrute:What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...
Michael Scott:Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.
Dwight Schrute:You may have...
Michael Scott:Oh my God! What if I did?
Dwight Schrute:You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes.
Michael Scott:Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.
Dwight Schrute:You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do.
Michael Scott:There's no way I'm gonna do that.
Dwight Schrute:Then I will.
Michael Scott:(makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up)
Dwight Schrute:No, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.
Donna:(on phone) Hello?
Michael Scott:Hi Donna. It's Michael.
Donna:Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been?
Michael Scott:I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.
Donna:Oh no.
Michael Scott:I can't even say it. H-I...
Donna:Oh my God.
Michael Scott:...R-P-E-E-S
Donna:Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes?
Michael Scott:No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?
Donna:Ummm, no.
Michael Scott:Does your stupid husband have it?
Donna:No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested?
Michael Scott:Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!
Dwight Schrute:So long Donna! (Michael hangs up)
Andy Bernard:Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?
Stanley Hudson:Not again...
Andy Bernard:What do you mean again?
Stanley Hudson:You're always asking for our attention.
Andy Bernard:Maybe like a year ago...
Stanley Hudson:Seems recent.
Andy Bernard:No, that's...
Oscar Martinez:Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy Bernard:Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis Vance:Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley Hudson:(agreement around the office) That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores.
Andy Bernard:It's the world's only international sport! (sits down)
Holly Flax:(on phone) This is Holly.
Michael Scott:No this is Holly.
Holly Flax:No this is Holly.
Michael Scott:No this is Holly.
Holly Flax:No, this is Michael Scott.
Michael Scott:Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.
Holly Flax:I am calling because, there's a terrible crash!
Michael Scott:Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Holly Flax:A lot of people.
Michael Scott:Any nuns?
Holly Flax:Three nuns, (Michael laughs) from a Missionary in South Africa.
Michael Scott:(Dwight looks confused to the camera) Were they in the missionary position? (Holly laughs)
Andy Bernard:(singing) Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. (stops singing) Yeah, now you're looking at me. Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.
Michael Scott:(still on phone with Holly) Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't been transferred?
Holly Flax:Yeah.
Michael Scott:We would have twins. (Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael's "herpes")
Holly Flax:I don't think we'd have kids.
Michael Scott:Mmhmm!
Holly Flax:It was just for a few weeks!
Michael Scott:Mhhmm! We would be married.
Holly Flax:(sternly) Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know.
Michael Scott:Do what?
Holly Flax:You romanticize things.
Michael Scott:I don't romanticize th- (Dwight nodding and mouthing 'Yes you do') No...
Holly Flax:Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael Scott:He had no arms or legs, he couldn't hear see, or speak... This is how he let a nation.
Holly Flax:You made ourselves to be more than we were.
Michael Scott:We were more than we were.
Holly Flax:I don't know what you're getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory.
Michael Scott:Ok, alright I gotta go.
Holly Flax:Michael... (Michael hangs up)
Dwight Schrute:(to the camera) He forgot to mention the herpes.
Michael Scott:It didn't come up organically.
Jan Levinson:(to a client) ...to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. (Seeing Michael and Dwight) Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it'll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. (to client again) The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to...
Jan Levinson:How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you.
Michael Scott:It's nice to see you doing so well.
Jan Levinson:Yeah I'm really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. (laughs) We're loving it, yeah. I'm kind of a supermom.
Michael Scott:Bringing home the bacon.
Jan Levinson:Yeah. (singing) Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget... (laughs) I love that commercial.
Dwight Schrute:I don't understand the reference.
Jan Levinson:Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call.
Dwight Schrute:We had to come over right away, it's urgent. Michael has something to tell you. (Michael shushes him)
Jan Levinson:Are you gonna keep me in suspense? (Michael sighs)
Michael Scott:(after long wait, to Dwight) Would you excuse us...
Dwight Schrute:Ok I'm gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Ok, is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it.
Michael Scott:He hasn't changed.
Jan Levinson:No, so what couldn't wait?
Michael Scott:Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?
Jan Levinson:Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem.
Michael Scott:What?
Jan Levinson:You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Ok, I'm in.
Andy Bernard:So, guys. I've been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we're better than that. Ok, now I'm going to show you a picture of genitalia. (grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man)
Erin Hannon:Andy...
Andy Bernard:What, is it because he's black?
Jim Halpert:Nope, it's because it's genitalia.
Andy Bernard:Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I'm going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. (Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out)
Jim Halpert:Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see?
Andy Bernard:It's normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.
Jan Levinson:No! In the beginning we were not good.
Michael Scott:Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!
Jan Levinson:Well if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong!
Michael Scott:Because we work together.
Jan Levinson:No, ok. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!
Michael Scott:Am I the princess?
Jan Levinson:No I'm the princess, and the queen.
Michael Scott:(sighs) Ok, so I'm the guy at the station.
Astrid:Mommy!
Jan Levinson:Assy! Awwhhh how was school?
Astrid:It was cool.
Jan Levinson:(singing) What did you learn?
Astrid:What did I learn?
Jan Levinson:You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we're all, sisters and brothers.
Michael Scott:I have herpes.
Michael Scott:I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong...
Andy Bernard:Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences?
Kevin Malone:It feels unbelievable!
Andy Bernard:(writing on board) Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels...
Kevin Malone:...unbelievable.
Phyllis Vance:The ability to express love physically. It's a magical thing.
Andy Bernard:Express love, magical.
Kevin Malone:It feels amazing!
Andy Bernard:Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable?
Kevin Malone:Yes.
Andy Bernard:Then I will write it down.
Creed Bratton:The feeling of pure risk.
Andy Bernard:I actually had that down in the cons column, but...
Creed Bratton:It's thrilling.
Andy Bernard:Ok, umm. I'll move that. Thrill of risk.
Erin Hannon:Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex?
Andy Bernard:Yes! Thank you! Such as?
Erin Hannon:Unplanned pregnancy.
Andy Bernard:Yes, unplanned pregnancy.
Kelly Kapoor:Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat?
Kevin Malone:Just admit that your baby was a mistake.
Pam Beesly:Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.
Jim Halpert:Good!
Darryl Philbin:I'm sure they don't regret having their child, let's move it to the pros.
Jim & Pam:Thank you!
Andy Bernard:Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column.
Dwight Schrute:Next stop is Helene. You're gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I'll remind you.
Michael Scott:You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She...
Dwight Schrute:Jan knows paper.
Michael Scott:No, I'm not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there.
Dwight Schrute:Wait, what Holly said?
Michael Scott:Yes, I don't...
Dwight Schrute:Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes.
Michael Scott:I know, I know.
Dwight Schrute:Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay.
Michael Scott:Got it.
Dwight Schrute:TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW!
Michael Scott:I'M TRYING! GOD!
Michael Scott:(walks into park with Dwight) Hi stranger! Long time!
Old Woman:Who are you?
Michael Scott:I'm Michael. We dated for a while.
Old Woman:I don't think so...
Helene:Michael?
Michael Scott:Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene?
Dwight Schrute:Come on old lady. Let's go.
Old Woman:What is happening? (Dwight shushes her)
Dwight Schrute:Come on.
Andy Bernard:Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is?
Darryl Philbin:Condoms.
Andy Bernard:Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, ok? Abstinence.
Darryl Philbin:Ohh. Ok. I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski! (office laughs)
Andy Bernard:I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That's all. Anybody?
Pam Beesly:Andy that's way too personal of a question.
Andy Bernard:Well someone could answer if they want to. (looks at Erin hopefully) Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil. (Stanley laughs)
Andy Bernard:What?
Oscar Martinez:Why would you choose a pencil Andy?
Andy Bernard:Well I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith Palmer:Come on, give it a rest pencil dick.
Andy Bernard:I'm doing this for you Meredith!
Meredith Palmer:I didn't want you it!
Andy Bernard:Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?! (throws pizza box at painting and leaves)
Helene:It'll go away in time just don't touch it.
Michael Scott:Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Helene:What did you think we were?
Michael Scott:Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you...
Helene:I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.
Michael Scott:Jerk. (walks off)
Dwight Schrute:Michael! (attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.)
Carol:So this is the chef's kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers.
Michael Scott:Real entertainers, like Billy Joel.
Carol:Michael.
Michael Scott:Carroll, how are you?
Carol:I'm great! How are you?
Michael Scott:I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her.
Carol:You didn't call my office and ask where I was?
Michael Scott:No.
Carol:Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover.
Michael Scott:Weird...
Carol:Yeah.
Michael Scott:He sounds like a nice guy.
Andy Bernard:I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith.
Gabe Lewis:This wasn't really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up.
Andy Bernard:How is that relevant to anything?
Gabe Lewis:I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, 'My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.' I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way.
Andy Bernard:The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.
Gabe Lewis:I'll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you.
Michael Scott:Oh wow another living room!
Carol:It's a family room.
Michael Scott:You put the TV here, you put the family over here.
Carol:Michael why are you here?
Michael Scott:Someone told me that I romanticize relationships
Carol:You know, we all do that.
Michael Scott:I have herpes.
Carol:What? Did you have that while we were together?
Michael Scott:I just found out today. It's, uh, right there.
Carol:Oh! Oh, that's what you're talking about?
Michael Scott:Mmhmm, I'm sorry.
Carol:Did the doctor check it out?
Michael Scott:I'm between specialists right now.
Carol:Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date.
Michael Scott:Well I believe in love at first sight.
Carol:Well so do I, but we didn't love each other at first either. I don't know what you were thinking!
Michael Scott:I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute:(walking downstairs) Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they?
Carol:No.
Darryl Philbin:(Andy walks in Darryl's office) We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy Bernard:No I'm just sweating.
Darryl Philbin:I don't know who's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy Bernard:I'm not crying I'm just sweating.
Darryl Philbin:Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy Bernard:Ok.
Darryl Philbin:Yeah.
Darryl Philbin:I have no idea what his problem is, that's just my standard advice. It's good advice right?
Holly Flax:(on answering machine) This is Holly Flax, I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. (BEEP)
Michael Scott:Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know? It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.
Oscar Martinez:What is this about?
Michael Scott:Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall?
Oscar Martinez:Yes!
Michael Scott:You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
Oscar Martinez:What?
Michael Scott:Herpes duplex.
Dwight Schrute:It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive.
Michael Scott:I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.
Oscar Martinez:We were never lovers!
Dwight Schrute:I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...
Michael Scott:Flower shops, fireworks celebrations...
Dwight Schrute:Fence with a hole in it..
Michael Scott:Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park...
Dwight Schrute:The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk's home.
Michael Scott:An electric car dealership. (Oscar gets up and starts leaving)
Dwight Schrute:The democratic primaries,
Michael Scott:Oscar! Think abou- Think! (door slams)
In The Office episode 4 season 7, "Sex Ed," Michael discovers he has a cold sore. He soon learns it might be herpes. He thinks he got it from an old girlfriend. He calls all his exes. He wants to know who gave it to him. He talks to Jan, Holly, Donna, and others. He finds out they don't have it. Dwight helps Michael track down his exes. He wants revenge on whoever gave Michael herpes.
A fan-favorite scene is when Michael calls Holly. He asks if she gave him herpes. She says no. They talk about their past. Michael says he made their time together more than it was. Holly agrees. He tells her she might have herpes. He hangs up before she can reply. Another memorable moment is when Michael visits Jan. He asks if she gave him herpes. She says she is clean. They talk about their old relationship. Michael says it was not good.
Andy also has a big part in this episode. He gives a sex ed class to the office. He wants to help after Michael's news. He shows pictures of genitals. He talks about safe sex. The office is grossed out. He tries to put a condom on a pencil. Stanley laughs at him. Andy gets mad and leaves. This is a classic scene. Fans love Andy's awkward talk. They also love the office reactions.
