Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Sex Ed

Vol. 7 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

Michael Scott is on a mission to track down his exes after a health scare, while Andy tries to teach the office about safe sex. Every line and hilarious quote from this episode is right here in the full script for you to enjoy. It's a classic look at Michael's romantic history and Andy's predictably awkward attempts at leadership.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(driving past a line of Mexican men looking for work) Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! (man walks away) Que? QUE?

Scene 02

8 lines
Mexican Man
(speaking Spanish)
Son
We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back.
Mexican Man
(speaking Spanish)
Son
We've lost friends.
Mexican Man
(speaking Spanish)
Son
We don't know what he does with them.
Mexican Man
(speaking Spanish)
Son
I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada.

Scene 04

10 lines
Nate Nickerson
Hola amigo.
Dwight Schrute
Hola, tu es une buena worker?
Nate Nickerson
Si, yo muy bueno worker.
Dwight Schrute
Y el accento, donde are you from?
Nate Nickerson
Scranton, y before that La Philadelphia.
Dwight Schrute
You speak English?
Nate Nickerson
Yes, I'm really good at English.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, good. Me too, get in the car.
Nate Nickerson
(quietly) Okay.
Dwight Schrute
(nods to camera)

Scene 05

21 lines
Angela Martin
(seeing the worker Dwight picked up in the parking lot) Who's this guy by our cars?
Dwight Schrute
That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, I got stung up my dress.
Dwight Schrute
Poor hornet.
Dwight Schrute
(looking outside through the window) I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets...
Ryan Howard
But if he doesn't?
Dwight Schrute
He'll die.
Kelly Kapoor
What?
Andy Bernard
Uhh, beg your pardon?
Dwight Schrute
When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?
Nate Nickerson
(picks up blowtorch)
Kelly Kapoor
Is that a blow torch?!
Pam Beesly
No. No no no! (nos coming from all employees)
Dwight Schrute
Interesting choice...
Pam Beesly
(Nate starts walking away from hornet's nest, puts down the blowtorch) Yes!
Andy Bernard
Very very smart.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, go away. (Kelly nodding)
Nate Nickerson
(picks up baseball bat, heads towards hornet's nest)
Employees except Dwight
No! No no!
Dwight Schrute
A bat! Impressive...
Andy Bernard
Oh it's stinging him! Ow! Ow! (yelling all around the office)

Scene 06

2 lines
Michael Scott
(walks into the office with a large, fake mustache on) Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?
Erin Hannon
(giggles) Terrific!

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. (spinning in chair) He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.

Scene 08

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
(seeing a large red spot on Michael's lip) God! Wow!
Michael Scott
(shying away) Look, (sighs) It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Phyllis Vance
That's no pimple Michael.
Michael Scott
You mean cancer?
Pam Beesly
What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.

Scene 09

1 line
Pam Beesly
It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.

Scene 10

19 lines
Meredith Palmer
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's just a cold sore.
Michael Scott
It is?
Meredith Palmer
Yup, just a cold sore.
Michael Scott
Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.
Kevin Malone
I know how you got it. (smug expression on his face)
Michael Scott
How?
Kevin Malone
Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.
Michael Scott
What?
Pam Beesly
Wait! What you should do, Michael, is have a doctor take a look at it. Because we really don't know what that is.
Meredith Palmer
I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.
Kevin Malone
I never seen herpes on you.
Meredith Palmer
Because it's on my genitals, genius.
Kevin Malone
You have a penis?
Andy Bernard
Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?
Michael Scott
Yeah! My last physical when I was forty.
Jim Halpert
That was like, ten years ago.
Michael Scott
No! It was like four years ago!
Kevin Malone
Michael, you're at least forty six!
Michael Scott
Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six. (later in his office, places a band-aid over his cold sore)

Scene 11

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?
Angela Martin
This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.
Andy Bernard
You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat. Ok? I was an REA in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.
Kelly Kapoor
I guess maybe you should go marry a meth dealer with crabs.
Oscar Martinez
I don't even wanna know these things!
Meredith Palmer
(walking in) Hey guys! (Angela leaves the table, exhales as she exits the room)

Scene 12

13 lines
Michael Scott
How did this happen, how did I get this?
Dwight Schrute
Some eggs can rely dormant in a woman for years, they may not even know they have it.
Michael Scott
You know what, I feel like one of those old timey sailors. With the eye patch. (in pirate voice) It's me own damn fault. Woman in every port.
Dwight Schrute
What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...
Michael Scott
Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.
Dwight Schrute
You may have...
Michael Scott
Oh my God! What if I did?
Dwight Schrute
You need to contact Holly! You need to notify her, that she is crawling with herpes.
Michael Scott
Okay! You know what? Might! Might be crawling with herpes. I might have gotten it after her.
Dwight Schrute
You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do.
Michael Scott
There's no way I'm gonna do that.
Dwight Schrute
Then I will.
Michael Scott
(makes grunt in attempt to stop Dwight. Dwight hangs up)

Scene 13

1 line
Dwight Schrute
No, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

Scene 14

15 lines
Donna
(on phone) Hello?
Michael Scott
Hi Donna. It's Michael.
Donna
Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been?
Michael Scott
I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.
Donna
Oh no.
Michael Scott
I can't even say it. H-I...
Donna
Oh my God.
Michael Scott
...R-P-E-E-S
Donna
Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes?
Michael Scott
No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?
Donna
Ummm, no.
Michael Scott
Does your stupid husband have it?
Donna
No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested?
Michael Scott
Yes I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!
Dwight Schrute
So long Donna! (Michael hangs up)

Scene 15

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?
Stanley Hudson
Not again...
Andy Bernard
What do you mean again?
Stanley Hudson
You're always asking for our attention.
Andy Bernard
Maybe like a year ago...
Stanley Hudson
Seems recent.
Andy Bernard
No, that's...
Oscar Martinez
Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy Bernard
Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis Vance
Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley Hudson
(agreement around the office) That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores.
Andy Bernard
It's the world's only international sport! (sits down)

Scene 16

12 lines
Holly Flax
(on phone) This is Holly.
Michael Scott
No this is Holly.
Holly Flax
No this is Holly.
Michael Scott
No this is Holly.
Holly Flax
No, this is Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.
Holly Flax
I am calling because, there's a terrible crash!
Michael Scott
Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Holly Flax
A lot of people.
Michael Scott
Any nuns?
Holly Flax
Three nuns, (Michael laughs) from a Missionary in South Africa.
Michael Scott
(Dwight looks confused to the camera) Were they in the missionary position? (Holly laughs)

Scene 17

1 line
Andy Bernard
(singing) Ba na na na na. Hot pizza, check it and see. Ba na na na. Got a whole bunch of pepperoni. Ba na na na na. (stops singing) Yeah, now you're looking at me. Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.

Scene 18

20 lines
Michael Scott
(still on phone with Holly) Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you hadn't been transferred?
Holly Flax
Yeah.
Michael Scott
We would have twins. (Dwight points towards the corner of his lip, indicating Michael's "herpes")
Holly Flax
I don't think we'd have kids.
Michael Scott
Mmhmm!
Holly Flax
It was just for a few weeks!
Michael Scott
Mhhmm! We would be married.
Holly Flax
(sternly) Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this you know.
Michael Scott
Do what?
Holly Flax
You romanticize things.
Michael Scott
I don't romanticize th- (Dwight nodding and mouthing 'Yes you do') No...
Holly Flax
Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael Scott
He had no arms or legs, he couldn't hear see, or speak... This is how he let a nation.
Holly Flax
You made ourselves to be more than we were.
Michael Scott
We were more than we were.
Holly Flax
I don't know what you're getting so upset about, we had to break up a long time ago, it was a good memory.
Michael Scott
Ok, alright I gotta go.
Holly Flax
Michael... (Michael hangs up)
Dwight Schrute
(to the camera) He forgot to mention the herpes.
Michael Scott
It didn't come up organically.

Scene 19

1 line
Jan Levinson
(to a client) ...to accommodate the, uh, suppliers. (Seeing Michael and Dwight) Gentlemen! Nice to see you, it'll be just a moment. If you could show them into Conference Room B. (to client again) The pharmaceutical aspects should be able to...

Scene 20

1 line
Jan Levinson
How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Dorris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you.

Scene 21

16 lines
Michael Scott
It's nice to see you doing so well.
Jan Levinson
Yeah I'm really happy. Me and Astrid against the world. (laughs) We're loving it, yeah. I'm kind of a supermom.
Michael Scott
Bringing home the bacon.
Jan Levinson
Yeah. (singing) Fry it up in a pan. Never never never let you forget... (laughs) I love that commercial.
Dwight Schrute
I don't understand the reference.
Jan Levinson
Well, Michael, it was nice to get your call.
Dwight Schrute
We had to come over right away, it's urgent. Michael has something to tell you. (Michael shushes him)
Jan Levinson
Are you gonna keep me in suspense? (Michael sighs)
Michael Scott
(after long wait, to Dwight) Would you excuse us...
Dwight Schrute
Ok I'm gonna head outta here, I know you have a lot to talk about. Ok, is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it.
Michael Scott
He hasn't changed.
Jan Levinson
No, so what couldn't wait?
Michael Scott
Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as more than it ever was?
Jan Levinson
Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem.
Michael Scott
What?
Jan Levinson
You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Ok, I'm in.

Scene 22

7 lines
Andy Bernard
So, guys. I've been really bothered by the way certain people are getting treated around here, and I just think as an office we're better than that. Ok, now I'm going to show you a picture of genitalia. (grossed our remarks from around the office as Andy holds p a picture of a nude man)
Erin Hannon
Andy...
Andy Bernard
What, is it because he's black?
Jim Halpert
Nope, it's because it's genitalia.
Andy Bernard
Perfectly normal genitalia Tuna. Now I'm going to show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. (Kevin is grossed out immediately. The office is grossed out)
Jim Halpert
Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see?
Andy Bernard
It's normal! Big deal! Yeah sure it has some herpes on it, but you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.

Scene 23

15 lines
Jan Levinson
No! In the beginning we were not good.
Michael Scott
Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!
Jan Levinson
Well if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong!
Michael Scott
Because we work together.
Jan Levinson
No, ok. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!
Michael Scott
Am I the princess?
Jan Levinson
No I'm the princess, and the queen.
Michael Scott
(sighs) Ok, so I'm the guy at the station.
Astrid
Mommy!
Jan Levinson
Assy! Awwhhh how was school?
Astrid
It was cool.
Jan Levinson
(singing) What did you learn?
Astrid
What did I learn?
Jan Levinson
You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we're all, sisters and brothers.
Michael Scott
I have herpes.

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong...

Scene 25

25 lines
Andy Bernard
Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences?
Kevin Malone
It feels unbelievable!
Andy Bernard
(writing on board) Ok I guess I can make a pros column. Feels...
Kevin Malone
...unbelievable.
Phyllis Vance
The ability to express love physically. It's a magical thing.
Andy Bernard
Express love, magical.
Kevin Malone
It feels amazing!
Andy Bernard
Umm, ok is that different from feels unbelievable?
Kevin Malone
Yes.
Andy Bernard
Then I will write it down.
Creed Bratton
The feeling of pure risk.
Andy Bernard
I actually had that down in the cons column, but...
Creed Bratton
It's thrilling.
Andy Bernard
Ok, umm. I'll move that. Thrill of risk.
Erin Hannon
Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex?
Andy Bernard
Yes! Thank you! Such as?
Erin Hannon
Unplanned pregnancy.
Andy Bernard
Yes, unplanned pregnancy.
Kelly Kapoor
Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat?
Kevin Malone
Just admit that your baby was a mistake.
Pam Beesly
Hey! Our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.
Jim Halpert
Good!
Darryl Philbin
I'm sure they don't regret having their child, let's move it to the pros.
Jim & Pam
Thank you!
Andy Bernard
Ok, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column.

Scene 26

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Next stop is Helene. You're gonna wanna make a left on Willow, which is a little ways away, uh. I'll remind you.
Michael Scott
You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She...
Dwight Schrute
Jan knows paper.
Michael Scott
No, I'm not talking about paper. Relationships, they have the ability to point out if the man is making a bigger deal out of something that is really there.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, what Holly said?
Michael Scott
Yes, I don't...
Dwight Schrute
Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes.
Michael Scott
I know, I know.
Dwight Schrute
Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay.
Michael Scott
Got it.
Dwight Schrute
TO answer your question about Jan, no. Jan is insane. Why do you think I got- LEFT, WILLOW NOW!
Michael Scott
I'M TRYING! GOD!

Scene 27

9 lines
Michael Scott
(walks into park with Dwight) Hi stranger! Long time!
Old Woman
Who are you?
Michael Scott
I'm Michael. We dated for a while.
Old Woman
I don't think so...
Helene
Michael?
Michael Scott
Oh hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to Helene?
Dwight Schrute
Come on old lady. Let's go.
Old Woman
What is happening? (Dwight shushes her)
Dwight Schrute
Come on.

Scene 28

14 lines
Andy Bernard
Who can tell me what the safest form of sex is?
Darryl Philbin
Condoms.
Andy Bernard
Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, ok? Abstinence.
Darryl Philbin
Ohh. Ok. I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski! (office laughs)
Andy Bernard
I just thought I'd bring it up in case someone in here was practicing abstinence. That's all. Anybody?
Pam Beesly
Andy that's way too personal of a question.
Andy Bernard
Well someone could answer if they want to. (looks at Erin hopefully) Ok, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil. (Stanley laughs)
Andy Bernard
What?
Oscar Martinez
Why would you choose a pencil Andy?
Andy Bernard
Well I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith Palmer
Come on, give it a rest pencil dick.
Andy Bernard
I'm doing this for you Meredith!
Meredith Palmer
I didn't want you it!
Andy Bernard
Well did you h- di- GAH! Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?! (throws pizza box at painting and leaves)

Scene 29

6 lines
Helene
It'll go away in time just don't touch it.
Michael Scott
Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Helene
What did you think we were?
Michael Scott
Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you...
Helene
I think for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.
Michael Scott
Jerk. (walks off)

Scene 30

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael! (attempting to get out of the car on the side in which Michael parked too close to a bush. Michael ignores him and walks into a building.)
Carol
So this is the chef's kitchen, which makes it perfect for real entertainers.
Michael Scott
Real entertainers, like Billy Joel.
Carol
Michael.
Michael Scott
Carroll, how are you?
Carol
I'm great! How are you?
Michael Scott
I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her.
Carol
You didn't call my office and ask where I was?
Michael Scott
No.
Carol
Because the receptionist told me a man called but he only said he was my ex-lover.
Michael Scott
Weird...
Carol
Yeah.
Michael Scott
He sounds like a nice guy.

Scene 31

6 lines
Andy Bernard
I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith.
Gabe Lewis
This wasn't really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up.
Andy Bernard
How is that relevant to anything?
Gabe Lewis
I asked you if it was ok if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, 'My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.' I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way.
Andy Bernard
The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.
Gabe Lewis
I'll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you.

Scene 32

19 lines
Michael Scott
Oh wow another living room!
Carol
It's a family room.
Michael Scott
You put the TV here, you put the family over here.
Carol
Michael why are you here?
Michael Scott
Someone told me that I romanticize relationships
Carol
You know, we all do that.
Michael Scott
I have herpes.
Carol
What? Did you have that while we were together?
Michael Scott
I just found out today. It's, uh, right there.
Carol
Oh! Oh, that's what you're talking about?
Michael Scott
Mmhmm, I'm sorry.
Carol
Did the doctor check it out?
Michael Scott
I'm between specialists right now.
Carol
Yes, yes Michael. Actually you do make a bigger deal out of things than you need to. You proposed to me on our fourth date.
Michael Scott
Well I believe in love at first sight.
Carol
Well so do I, but we didn't love each other at first either. I don't know what you were thinking!
Michael Scott
I knew what I was thinking at the time, but right now it just seems ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute
(walking downstairs) Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they?
Carol
No.

Scene 33

7 lines
Darryl Philbin
(Andy walks in Darryl's office) We should schedule meetings, because the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy Bernard
No I'm just sweating.
Darryl Philbin
I don't know who's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy Bernard
I'm not crying I'm just sweating.
Darryl Philbin
Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy Bernard
Ok.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.

Scene 34

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I have no idea what his problem is, that's just my standard advice. It's good advice right?

Scene 35

2 lines
Holly Flax
(on answering machine) This is Holly Flax, I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. (BEEP)
Michael Scott
Hi Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just. You know? It's weird. Today I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.

Scene 36

17 lines
Oscar Martinez
What is this about?
Michael Scott
Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma of gay kissing. Do you recall?
Oscar Martinez
Yes!
Michael Scott
You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
Oscar Martinez
What?
Michael Scott
Herpes duplex.
Dwight Schrute
It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive.
Michael Scott
I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.
Oscar Martinez
We were never lovers!
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...
Michael Scott
Flower shops, fireworks celebrations...
Dwight Schrute
Fence with a hole in it..
Michael Scott
Moolit Gandala, carrage drive through Central Park...
Dwight Schrute
The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk's home.
Michael Scott
An electric car dealership. (Oscar gets up and starts leaving)
Dwight Schrute
The democratic primaries,
Michael Scott
Oscar! Think abou- Think! (door slams)