Every line from The Office episode "The Sting", season 7 episode 5.
Michael Scott: Look at that.
Oscar Martinez: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.
Michael Scott: She is a beaut!
Dwight Schrute: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Oscar Martinez: Yes, it is.
Michael Scott: Oh, look at that. (pushing bike) Smooth roll.
Kevin Malone: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!
Meredith Palmer: His ass was on that seat? All right!
Oscar Martinez: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses.
Kelly Kapoor: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now.
Pam Beesly: (crashing sound) Michael!
Jim Halpert: Are you sure you once knew how to do this?
Michael Scott: I did, yes! I had those extra wheels on the back...that support you. (Pam and Jim begin wheeling him) Mi-chael! Mi-chael!
Everyone: (chanting) Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael!
Pam Beesly: Come on, Michael! Yeah!
Jim Halpert: Just steer more now.
Michael Scott: (crashes into Jim and Pam's parked car) Oh, my god!
Michael Scott: Ow! (grunts, stumbles to his feet) You never forget. Whoo!
Dwight Schrute: We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select, Steve Nash.
Jim Halpert: He's not the Steve Nash. He's big though. He's kind of like...Scranton's Steve Nash.
Dwight Schrute: Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think they'll understand? It's condescending.
Jim Halpert: I'm not doing that. I'm just explaining.
Dwight Schrute: And who is this "the" Steve Nash?
Jim Halpert: Phoenix Sun's point guard?
Jim Halpert: No? Nothin'?
Dwight Schrute: No, Mr. Jock Hipster.
Jim Halpert: Well, I'm neither of those things, so...
Andy Bernard: (reading Cornell magazine) Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh, says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale-Oh, my God!
Phyllis Vance: What? Is Dan okay?
Andy Bernard: No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob. You know this guy; I showed you his picture on Facebook.
Andy Bernard: "Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, 'Calci-YUM!', featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio. Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio, and I think you can hear it in the song.'"
Phyllis Vance: Oh, that's great news for your friend.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, yeah, it's great...
Phyllis Vance: You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder.
Dwight Schrute: Danny Cordray is the worst.
Jim Halpert: Well, by worst, you mean the best.
Dwight Schrute: The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop, steals more clients from Dunder-Mifflin than anyone.
Jim Halpert: So, the situation is the worst.
Dwight Schrute: Also, he slept with Pam.
Jim Halpert: No, he didn't. (Dwight mouthing "yes, he did")
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna intimidate him. Okay?
Jim Halpert: Okay, great-
Dwight Schrute: Watch this.
Jim Halpert: -I'm just gonna watch.
Dwight Schrute: (speaking loudly) So anyway, she says, "that is the biggest penis I have ever seen." And I said, "I know. That's why I brought you to the Penis Museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars." Well, hello Danny!
Danny: Hey, Dwight. Good to see you. Jim, hey.
Jim Halpert: (shaking hands) How are ya?
Danny: Good to see you too.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Danny: Oh, I'm just here for the coffee.
Dwight Schrute: Like hell you are.
Dwight Schrute: He's not just here for the coffee, Jim. Wake up!
Michael Scott: Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-(cell phone rings) Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello?
Jim Halpert: Hey, it's Jim. Listen, this is important. Are you busy?
Michael Scott: Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up?
Oscar Martinez: You are busy! We're in a meeting!
Michael Scott: It's Jim, Okay? Yes.
Jim Halpert: Listen, you gotta get over here, 'cause we're pitching Steve Nash and Danny Cordray is here.
Michael Scott: You need the big guns, yes?
Dwight Schrute: What'd he say? What did he say?
Jim Halpert: The big gun thing. (Dwight grabs at phone) Stop!
Michael Scott: I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight. (hangs up) Well, I know a lot of you thought that my sales days were behind me, and to be honest, so did I...and the only reason I got out of the sales game was to be reluctantly called back in.
Pam Beesly: You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager.
Michael Scott: (laughing) No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me?
Michael Scott: No! Okay. (runs out the door) All right.
Andy Bernard: (knocking) Knockity-knock, don't knock back. Just kidding you can knock; it's your office. Do you have a minute?
Darryl Philbin: I'm very busy with time-sensitive work.
Andy Bernard: Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into Weight Watchers dot com.
Darryl Philbin: If you don't enter them immediately, you forget. What?
Andy Bernard: I'm starting a band and I need you on keyboards.
Darryl Philbin: Nah. I play for pleasure.
Andy Bernard: This is for pleasure.
Darryl Philbin: I wouldn't enjoy that.
Andy Bernard: I'm willing to pay you.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, yeah?
Darryl Philbin: How much?
Andy Bernard: Sixty bucks a session.
Darryl Philbin: That's crazy money. I'll take forty.
Dwight Schrute: There he is.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, that's a male model.
Jim Halpert: No, that's him.
Michael Scott: That...hello. Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company.
Danny: Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper.
Michael Scott: Nice to meet you.
Danny: Three of you guys for one sale.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well...we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy?
Danny: Well, whatever works for ya. Anyway. All right.
Michael Scott: All right.
Danny: It's good to see you guys. Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model.
Receptionist: He's ready for you.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you. All right. On the count of three, it's showtime. Ready, one, two--
Jim Halpert: Nope, not doing that.
Dwight Schrute: I've been in showtime mode since breakfast.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know-all right, just forget it then.
Michael Scott: It's showtime! Oh...never mind. Let's go.
Michael Scott: When I knock on your door, you know who it is; it's Michael Scott. We've been together forever and we-
Steve: Michael, I appreciate everything that Dunder-Mifflin has done for this company.
Michael Scott: You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We're going to deliver to you on weekends.
Steve: That's very generous, but-
Michael Scott: And you know what else we're gonna do? I can't believe I'm gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you'd better shake my hand right now.
Dwight Schrute: He's not kidding.
Michael Scott: Shake it, shake it!
Steve: Michael, I'm going with Danny.
Steve: Thanks for coming in.
Michael Scott: Okay. Thank you.
Michael Scott: Thanks, Steve.
Michael Scott: You know who we always lose out to? Staples, the big guys. Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are. What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy? Stanley, how do we combat him?
Stanley Hudson: We sell better?
Michael Scott: Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave?
Stanley Hudson: I would like to stay. This pertains to me.
Michael Scott: Why don't you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay?
Stanley Hudson: Why do you always assume I have diabetes?
Michael Scott: I don't know, your frame, your build-why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic. (Stanley stands to leave) See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance: I could try to seduce him.
Michael Scott: Oh, my god!
Dwight Schrute: I know how we can learn his tricks.
Dwight Schrute: What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy.
Jim Halpert: Is that your office?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, Jim. And with a little tweaking, it becomes a different office. We lure Danny to it and watch him sell.
Stanley Hudson: I'm outta here.
Phyllis Vance: This is weird.
Michael Scott: You know what this is? This is a stinger.
Michael Scott: Like the movie.
Jim Halpert: I think you mean The Sting.
Michael Scott: Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers.
Jim Halpert: Nope. Different movie.
Dwight Schrute: The Sting. The Sting.
Darryl & Andy: (singing) Please Mr. President, if you wanna give hope a whirl, bring our troops home safe and sound, says this little girl.
Andy Bernard: (in falsetto) Please Mr. President-
Darryl Philbin: One second, one second, one second. (stops playing) So, this song is from the point of view of a little girl?
Darryl Philbin: But you're singing it.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, but I'm using my falsetto.
Darryl Philbin: No, that's not a good idea. I don't see that as a very good song.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better if you actually sang with some soul.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, I never sing with soul.
Andy Bernard: That's a lie.
Kevin Malone: I could sing it.
Andy Bernard: I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs.
Kevin Malone: But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan.
Andy Bernard: Okay, three-way argument between a drummer, a keyboardist, and the front man lead singer. Wonder who's gonna win this one. Two, three, four-
Danny: I'm gonna take off my coat, if you don't mind. It's a bit warm in here.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no. No. Don't-
Dwight Schrute: People can't keep their true natures hidden for long, and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire.
Jim Halpert: Okay, he's not that good-looking. I don't understand why everybody's obsessed with this-
Michael Scott: Yeah, he is that good-looking.
Dwight Schrute: He's very, very handsome.
Meredith Palmer: That's a great set of shoulder's you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine? (phone rings) Sorry. Yeah?
Michael Scott: Pull it together, all right? Stop lookin' at him.
Meredith Palmer: I'm sorry. (hangs up) You're here to sell me some paper.
Danny: Well, actually, uh... no, Miss Van Helsing, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to meet you, see if we'd be a, you know, good fit.
Meredith Palmer: What do you mean?
Michael Scott: Oh...my god! He's making her sell to him.
Andy Bernard: (everyone finishes listening to song) Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar?
Oscar Martinez: It's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid.
Andy Bernard: But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something?
Pam Beesly: Not really. It's kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl.
Andy Bernard: I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the Olympics.
Ryan Howard: I-I don't think they usually...skate to such...bad songs.
Andy Bernard: Rude. And not helpful.
Creed Bratton: Well, I really, really, really liked it.
Andy Bernard: Well, that...really bums me out.
Creed Bratton: You're welcome.
Danny: We should think of this as a first date. And I think it's going very well, how 'bout you?
Meredith Palmer: Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me.
Danny: Ha ha, okay, there you go! (phone rings, Meredith answers)
Meredith Palmer: Shut up and let me do this! (hangs up) You know, what is with this desk keeping us so far apart?
Danny: I've never been a desk man. Always traveling on the road. Come on...why not, huh?
Danny: Well, we'll get this...(Meredith unbuttons)
Meredith Palmer: So, what's your drink? You a vodka man? Me too.
Jim Halpert: We gotta get someone else in there right now.
Jim Halpert: You're an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech and-
Oscar Martinez: That sounds fake.
Jim Halpert: What do you mean?
Dwight Schrute: I told you! You're an exec at Stark Industries, a corporation you inherited from your father-
Jim Halpert: Will you stop? Stop it, stop it. Here's the story-they need Meredith somewhere else asap, okay?
Jim Halpert: So you're taking over. You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can.
Oscar Martinez: All right. I can do that. Then what?
Dwight Schrute: Then make him pitch to you.
Dwight Schrute: We gotta see what he's got.
Jim Halpert: Exactly. You can do this.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, and remember-you're not gay.
Jim Halpert: Stop it! It's gonna be great.
Jim Halpert: And listen if anything else happens, just...roll with it.
Meredith Palmer: You smell like a Scorpio. (Ryan enters) This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesn't speak English either. Esteban, el flooro.
Danny: You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space, and I hate when I see others do that, so-
Meredith Palmer: Danny, I feel a real connection to you, and I gotta get real, I'm-
Michael Scott: No, no, no....
Jim Halpert: No, no, no, no...
Michael Scott: I'm goin 'in!
Dwight Schrute: Michael! No, Michael, stop it! No!
Michael Scott: Stop, stop! Oh, my god! (enters office) Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody, stop.
Michael Scott: I said stop. Okay, Danny...this is not Pennsylvania Solartech. This is Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. This is Meredith Palmer-
Meredith Palmer: Please to meet you-
Michael Scott: Don't! Get away from him. Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever.
Michael Scott: I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique, so we could stop losing so many clients to you.
Michael Scott: A surveillance room next to this one.
Danny: Okay, so you...set up this fake company, then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique?
Michael Scott: Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery.
Michael Scott: Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me. Jim and Dwight are behind that wall in the surveillance room and it was their plan as well.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no, no.
Danny: Oh, well then, yeah. All right. Hey! (knocking on wall) Good luck, guys. Seems like you got a great operation here.
Michael Scott: No, we don't. Here's-here's my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks.
Danny: What do you mean, my tricks? There's no tricks, man. I'm just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can't copy that! (opens door to leave)
Michael Scott: You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. (closes door) You are a good salesman. And because of that...I want you to work for me.
Danny: Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy.
Michael Scott: So, you will?
Danny: (opening door again to leave) No!
Michael Scott: Hold it, hold it. (forcing door closed) Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same?
Danny: Get out of my way.
Michael Scott: Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny?
Danny: I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not-it's just I'm very upset right now.
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Michael Scott: Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?
Michael Scott: I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?
Michael Scott: Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny!
Kelly Kapoor: (bleep) me!
Michael Scott: O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is?
Kelly Kapoor: Josh Duhamel.
Angela Martin: Yeah, I can see that.
Michael Scott: No. No. No. Somebody in this office.
Kevin Malone: He's like a better-looking Andy.
Andy Bernard: Thanks, Kevin.
Michael Scott: No, me. Right? Sorta like...a little younger version of me.
Oscar Martinez: It's hard to judge ourselves accurately, isn't it.
Dwight Schrute: Can I talk to you about something?
Michael Scott: No, you may not.
Dwight Schrute: It's about this very announcement you just made.
Michael Scott: I said no.
Michael Scott: We're not-
Jim Halpert: Michael, I think you really want to talk to him.
Michael Scott: Okay. Let's-all right, all right. Let's talk. Please don't let him leave. (pointing to Danny) Don't leave. Don't let him.
Erin Hannon: Gotcha. (they go into Michael's office)
Jim Halpert: You hired him?
Michael Scott: Guys, let me ask you something. Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same?
Michael Scott: Okay. Well...get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better.
Phyllis Vance: It's not gonna get better; he's gonna steal all of our clients.
Michael Scott: No, no. Wrong. He would have stolen your clients, but you know what? He can't now. This guy used to steal sales from us; now, he's going to steal sales for us.
Dwight Schrute: Where's he gonna sit? There's no more seats.
Michael Scott: He doesn't need to sit, he's a traveling salesman. Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff simply because they are threatening to you. And unless you have a better argument than that, I suggest you leave.
Dwight Schrute: Where's he gonna park? There's no more reserved parking spots.
Darryl Philbin: Song's about truth.
Darryl Philbin: What's something you really care about?
Andy Bernard: Reverse snobbery.
Darryl Philbin: More universal.
Andy Bernard: Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by.
Darryl Philbin: (plays soft chords and sings) Couldn't get outta bed today. Wish the alarm clock would go away.
Andy Bernard: Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-that's amazing!
Darryl Philbin: Go ahead.
Andy Bernard: (singing) Which me am I gonna be today?
Darryl Philbin: Which me am I gonna be today?
Andy Bernard: I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me?
Kevin Malone: Or the me that stinks.
Andy Bernard: Oh, my gosh! We're almost out of time. How much for another half hour?
Darryl Philbin: Oh, don't worry about it.
Andy Bernard: Wait. Seriously?
Andy Bernard: So we're just, like, jamming as friends?
Darryl Philbin: One, two, three, hit it.
Andy Bernard: Closet full of mes-
Danny: Oh, you know...funny. Your wife and I went on a few dates.
Danny: Yeah. Way ,way, way back.
Jim Halpert: I'm just kidding. She told me about it.
Danny: Oh. She was not into me.
Danny: Obviously. I don't even think she called me back.
Dwight Schrute: You snubbed her.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, please.
Dwight Schrute: Let me handle this, Jim. Drop the act, Cordray, okay? We all know that you probably thought that Pam was too "meh" or thin without being toned. But I wanna tell you something-she is one of the plain hearty women of Scranton that make this city great. And so what if she doesn't wear makeup? (Pam mouthing "I wear makeup") We like her better that way! And you steal clients, don't you? Don't you!
Danny: Okay...that's different.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's different, is it? Okay...thief. You better check your things, people. In fact, where are my keys? Oh, there in my pocket. False alarm. Okay. (awkward pause) So...you're gonna be workin' here?
Dwight Schrute: Welcome aboard.
Jim Halpert: Hey, crazy, um...so...that's it? You're just-you're fine?
Dwight Schrute: It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home. (shakes Danny's hand)
Dwight Schrute: Pleasure.
Kevin Malone: (singing and playing drums) Sun's in her eyes, tongue full of flies. Would you like to share my paaaaaaad?
Everyone: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love and I gave her the croak that meant I love you.
Darryl Philbin: I'll be your croak monsieur.
Andy Bernard: (falsetto) I'll be your croak madame.
Kevin Malone: Your mama mighta said that bullfrogs are dogs, but I'm here to tell you that I am a frog! Come and sit on my log, you little pollywog.
Darryl Philbin: I find you absolutely ribbiting!
Everyone: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love.
Andy Bernard: Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love.
Darryl Philbin: Scoopity-splash!
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 7. The Sting is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.