Every line from The Office episode "Costume Contest", season 7 episode 6.
Stanley Hudson: What's a seven letter word for purse?
Kevin Malone: (sitting at Phyllis' desk, dressed like Phyllis; high pitched voice) Satchel!
Stanley Hudson: Nope. Starts with an H.
Andy Bernard: (shirtless, wearing only a tie) Handbag.
Stanley Hudson: Hmmm. (glances at Andy) Thank you.
Michael Scott: (standing outside the conference room, wearing fake teeth, watching Stanley walk in) All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in sales!
Everyone: Yay! (applause)
Stanley Hudson: (looks at the clock, then at his watch) Hold up! That clock is slow. It is five o'clock, I will see you all tomorrow
Pam Beesly: (turns around, is wearing a mustache) Bye, Stanley! Love you! (waves, Stanley leaves)
Dwight Schrute: (standing next to a pony) So long, Stanley!
Stanley Hudson: Night, everybody.
Michael Scott: A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! (puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard, high pitched voice) Six seconds, MacGruber! (lifts head) Pam's got a lot of fun stuff planned! (puts head down, high pitched voice) Uh, two seconds MacGruber! (lifts head) Including a... costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board... OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! (throws fake bomb, takes off sunglasses, points to camera) MACGRUBERRRR!
Dwight Schrute: (has his hands around Jim's neck) Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.
Jim Halpert: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight Schrute: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler. (looks at Pam) Oh-ho! That's very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrute's mom.
Dwight Schrute: You're only one third as beautiful and only half her height.
Pam Beesly: I'm supposed to be Olive Oyl. And it makes more sense when I'm standing next to Popeye, but... Jim doesn't want to put his costume on.
Jim Halpert: (places pipe in mouth) I am Popeye!
Gabe Lewis: (dressed as Lady Gaga) In case you can't read m-m-my Poker Face... (laughs) we will be reviewing our sales policies. (accepts note from Michael, reads it out loud) I have ten seconds to read them or this whole place blows up.
Michael Scott: MACGRUBER!
Todd Packer: Lame. Why don't witches wear panties?
Michael Scott: Oh, here we go!
Todd Packer: Because they need to grip the broom!
Michael Scott: (laughs) OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?
Dwight Schrute: Lake Erie.
Gabe Lewis: When our warehouse workers make deliveries, they're going to be encouraged to offer clients extra products. And then they will split those commissions with sales.
Michael Scott: So, wait, drivers are going to be able to sell paper on the road?
Gabe Lewis: That is correct.
Todd Packer: Has anyone started calling you "Gabe-wad" yet?
Gabe Lewis: Okay, guys, fun is fun, but-
Michael Scott: Oh, so... I almost forgot. You'll find this hilarious. Apparently corporate is going to have drivers sell paper on their routes now. That's like, exactly sort of the idea that you had.
Darryl Philbin: Yes. I do remember saying something like that to you.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that, man.
Darryl Philbin: I'm just glad we're gonna try it out.
Michael Scott: Really? We're good?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah. We're cool.
Michael Scott: Okay. (reaches out and shakes Darryl's hand) Okay.
Darryl Philbin: What's under your shirt?
Michael Scott: Oh. It's a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.
Toby Flenderson: (leans hobo sack against the refrigerator) It's a great stick, right?
Ryan Howard: It's really good. It's a classic. I think you might win the whole thing with that.
Oscar Martinez: Everyone realizes that this coupon book isn't actually worth fifteen thousand dollars, right? You'd have to spend two hundred thousand dollars on crap you don't actually need to get fifteen thousand dollars worth of benefits. I'm not the only one who sees this, right?
Kelly Kapoor: I get that. I get that.
Danny: Excuse me, everybody. I want to invite you all to the Halloween party I'm having at my bar.
Kevin Malone: You own a bar?
Danny: Public School, at exit 11.
Oscar Martinez: That's a great name. You're hilarious. A plus!
Danny: So. You're all on the list!
Ryan Howard: Hey, man, can I get a plus five? It's all guys.
Creed Bratton: Hey, what's the crowd like, Danny? Our age?
Kevin Malone: I don't think that she would leave Jim for Danny.
Phyllis Vance: I don't know, they're both handsome.
Dwight Schrute: Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?
Phyllis Vance: I think he-
Creed Bratton: Hey hey hey, quiet, here she comes! Did you hear about that Danny guy? Heard he used to date Pam.
Jim Halpert: So four years ago, when I was in Stamford, Connecticut, and dating someone else, Pam went on two dates with Danny. Which was obviously the greatest love story ever told, given how much people are walking on eggshells around us.
Pam Beesly: We were basically Romeo and Juliet.
Jim Halpert: That's right.
Pam Beesly: Except where Juliet doesn't have that great a time and Romeo doesn't call back after two dates.
Pam Beesly: But I've learned to love again. (puts her arm on Jim's shoulder) He's a cartoon sailor.
Pam Beesly: And looks so handsome in his UNIFORM! Please?
Jim Halpert: No. No, I'm not gonna-no.
Kevin Malone: I am never gonna forget what Danny did to Pam. I forget nothing. I'm like an elephant in that way.
Andy Bernard: You know what else? (pulling fake teeth out of his mouth) The-this... this sucks for Jim. Right? But it also sucks for us. Because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties. (puts teeth back in)
Kevin Malone: Yeah, and everyone else is gonna be there. Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl... Creed's a maybe.
Andy Bernard: (removes teeth) Creed's going?!
Michael Scott: Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone?
Darryl Philbin: (answers phone) Hello?
Michael Scott: Hi, Darryl, come out here, please.
Darryl Philbin: I'm good.
Michael Scott: You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar!
Darryl Philbin: This is embarrassing, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I bet it is! If you're gonna do your job well here, you gotta get used to being embarrassed.
Darryl Philbin: Let me put my shoes on. (hangs up phone, dial tone)
Pam Beesly: (leans over toward Erin) Um, hit the speakerphone button. The speakerphone button? The same button as you hit before... or sit on it.
Michael Scott: This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbin's. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits.
Angela Martin: So, what happened?
Michael Scott: I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea, but you know what? They need to know that it was yours. And I don't care if I take a bullet. We're gonna call them, we're gonna put them on speakerphone right now...
Erin Hannon: Oh! (fumbles for phone)
Michael Scott: And we are going to straighten this out.
Andy Bernard: Screw corporate! They probably stole the idea anyway.
Gabe Lewis: Uh uh. Corporate stole nothing, okay? Darryl told me, and then I told them, giving Darryl full credit, so... no need to (mimicking Andy) screw corporate! Or anything like that, so. Let's give Darryl a round of applause, as planned. (claps)
Michael Scott: I'm a little peeved at Darryl right now.
Dwight Schrute: He went to Gabe behind your back.
Michael Scott: No, he didn't go behind my back. He went over my head.
Dwight Schrute: He went over your head to go behind your back.
Michael Scott: What is taking someone from behind?
Dwight Schrute: No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can't have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous.
Michael Scott: It was a good idea, though.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. Here's another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryl's idea.
Andy Bernard: Hey, Danny.
Andy Bernard: I'm really sorry, but we can't come to your party tonight.
Danny: I was looking forward to throwing some darts with you guys.
Kevin Malone: Okay, well then, uh, I mean, maybe we could do it like... next Halloween.
Andy Bernard: We're just like, totally caught in the middle here.
Danny: What are you talking about?
Andy Bernard: Well Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go...
Danny: Jim and Pam really don't want you to go?
Kevin Malone: They're really upset about the whole Danny situation.
Danny: I'll talk to them.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, but wait, don't tell them that we said anything to you.
Kevin Malone: Or you're dead.
Erin Hannon: Kelly! Great costume!
Angela Martin: KELLY! You cannot change costumes in the middle of the day! Pam, she's out.
Kelly Kapoor: Um, if I'm out, I'm going to sue this ENTIRE COMPANY for discrimination.
Oscar Martinez: Guys? You're arguing over a one in sixteen chance. Over a prize worth... forty bucks.
Kelly Kapoor: Um, fifteen thousand bucks, Oscar.
Angela Martin: Yeah, shut it, Oscar. Pam?
Dwight Schrute: Garbage magnet. (throws magnet) Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don't need to tart them up with some design. (to Michael) I can't believe this doesn't make you mad!
Michael Scott: (staring at Gabe and Kevin) What the hell are they talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique.
Michael Scott: Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I don't-(sees Kevin and Gabe fist-bump) Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? That's inappropriate, Kevin. I am your boss, and if you have something to say, it goes through me, and then I take it to Gabe. Chain of command. Do you understand?
Kevin Malone: I am so sorry.
Michael Scott: Oh, you're sorry?
Kevin Malone: I just thought-
Michael Scott: What did you just thought?
Kevin Malone: Well, Gabe asked me if there were any really cool Lady Gaga moves that he could do for the catwalk. And so then I tol-(tries not to cry)
Michael Scott: All right.
Kevin Malone: I told him that there was this one cool move where she powers down like a robot.
Kevin Malone: Okay? But I- I am so sorry that I didn't tell you first.
Michael Scott: Well, don't let it happen again.
Kevin Malone: (hysterical) You think that I would let this happen again?! NO WAY JOSE.
Kevin Malone: (bleep) you, Gabe!
Danny: Can you imagine? It's just crazy.
Jim Halpert: That is crazy. We would never care if Andy or Kevin went to your party.
Danny: Look, I'm just glad we can laugh about it. Because I was a little nervous about coming to work here, with, you know, our history.
Pam Beesly: Oh, my gosh! People keep blowing it out of proportion! It's not even a history.
Jim Halpert: It's not like you guys had some long relationship right? Big painful breakup I don't know about?
Danny: No! Two or three dates.
Danny: Was it two? I thought it was three.
Pam Beesly: No, we um, we had plans for a third, but then I don't know, you never called me back, so...
Jim Halpert: Oooh! You can't handle the truth! (laughs)
Danny: (laughing) Well, that does not sound like me.
Pam Beesly: Yeah? (stops laughing) It was though, that's what happened.
Danny: (stops laughing) Well, great, I just wanted to make sure that things weren't weird.
Michael Scott: Okay, this whole going over my head-gate? Is making people act weird. The chain of command is crumbling. Do you know what just happened? I just made Kevin cry. And Gabe looks like Lady Gaga. That's not Halloween. Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other.
Darryl Philbin: I'm not mad. Are you mad?
Michael Scott: You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating.
Darryl Philbin: Well, I'm sorry if it seems that way to you.
Michael Scott: Okay, that might help. If you said "I'm sorry" in front of everybody.
Michael Scott: In front of me.
Darryl Philbin: You made a bad call. And I fixed it. So I'm not apologizing.
Michael Scott: So that's it.
Darryl Philbin: That's it.
Oscar Martinez: I guess you could say I'm still in costume. I'm a rational consumer.
Oscar Martinez: Stupid coupon booklet. Have you seen my costume? I'm a rational consumer.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, I uh, heard you say it to Phyllis. That's a good line.
Pam Beesly: Okay, everybody! After you walk the runway everyone has to vote for who gets the coupon book. And you can't vote for yourself.
Kevin Malone: Pam. Can you vote for other people?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I gotta get in on this. (mocking Darryl) Hey, it's cool, man, I work in the warehouse! I'm cool! I'm hip and I'm jive! And I don't care about nobody! Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk!
Michael Scott: Still don't know who I am? I'll give you a hint. I go over other people's heads.
Pam Beesly: Michael, this is a bad idea.
Michael Scott: What's a bad idea?
Pam Beesly: Dressing up as somebody-I mean, when has that ever worked for you?
Michael Scott: NEVER! (tosses wig) Okay, you know what? Fine. I'm not Darryl. And thank God I'm not Darryl.
Kelly Kapoor: Could you for once just let us enjoy a party instead of making it about all your issues?
Phyllis Vance: What should we ask?
Michael Scott: Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend who backstabs people in the back?
Jim Halpert: We have one question to ask the spirit world and you want us to ask that?
Michael Scott: Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it.
Michael Scott: Dwight, you saw Darryl move it, right?
Dwight Schrute: Let's just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.
Danny: I don't think it's gonna work out the way you think.
Todd Packer: I don't think you get it.
Danny: This is some party, huh?
Jim Halpert: When you work hard, you play hard around here. Even if you don't work hard. Oh, here's something. Uh, why didn't you ever call Pam back?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that everyone has to fall in love, or anything, I'm just saying... but you know, to not even call her back is...
Danny: You know what it was? I think she gave me her number but then her fours look like eights, and...
Jim Halpert: Could be. But you also called her the second time so you had the number right.
Todd Packer: Halpert, you lookin' for someone to bang your wife?
Danny: Okay. You wanna know? I didn't call her back because she spent the whole date talking about you. She was obviously in love with you.
Ryan Howard: Fifty seven. Fifty eight.
Meredith Palmer: Wait, wait. She hasn't moved in awhile.
Oscar Martinez: (reaches over to pull Erin out of apple bobbing water) ERIN!
Erin Hannon: Two! I got two. I ate two whole apples.
Pam Beesly: I'd remember talking about Jim. That wasn't it.
Jim Halpert: Just tell her the real reason.
Danny: Do you honestly want to know why I didn't call her back on a date over four years ago?
Jim Halpert: Hey. She had a nice time. It seems rude.
Pam Beesly: I did. And it's just one of those things that's going to keep gnawing at me, like "gnaw, gnaw, why? Why didn't he? I have no idea why."
Danny: Okay. Honestly. I didn't call you back because I-thought you seemed a little... dorky.
Pam Beesly: Thank you! Thank you. I got it. Now I know. You thought I was a little dorky. You know? (gibberish sounds) Okay. Well, excuuuuse me.
Gabe Lewis: In the future, you need to get Michael's approval on anything before coming to me.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Darryl Philbin: You're gonna be missing out on some good ideas.
Gabe Lewis: Okay, well, obviously if it's a really, really good idea, my door is open.
Michael Scott: If they're good ideas, I'm not gonna say no!
Darryl Philbin: You said no to this one!
Michael Scott: That was-okay, you make one mistake in fifteen years and you drag me over the coals, after everything I did for you?
Darryl Philbin: What have you done for me?
Darryl Philbin: What have you done for me?
Darryl Philbin: Ed Truck hired me. Jo promoted me. Gabe listened to me. All you've ever done is say no to me. I have ambition. And you kept me at the same level for years.
Gabe Lewis: Ohh. Dropping bombs, right? (explosion noise) This really make you think, Michael?
Michael Scott: Stop it! Stop, stop. We're thinking. We're thinking about it.
Michael Scott: You don't have to point to the fact that we're thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay, next time you have a really great idea, we will put it in a hat, and then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat and let her decide.
Darryl Philbin: I don't understand the point of a hat.
Gabe Lewis: You're right, we don't need a hat.
Michael Scott: I am not budging on the hat issue.
Gabe Lewis: Okay. We're going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me, I make the final decision, period.
Michael Scott: Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe.
Gabe Lewis: Okay, why don't we simplify this? Darryl brings it to Michael, Michael brings it to me, no one calls Jo.
Michael Scott: Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo, then we'll give her a call.
Darryl Philbin: Cool. Okay. Sorry I lied.
Michael Scott: Sorry I was a jerk.
Andy Bernard: What's up, man?
Darryl Philbin: Sometimes it seems like it was better down in the warehouse, you know?
Andy Bernard: When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, the Cornell Daily Sun? This was at Cornell. I had to write an op-ed column every day. Bernard's Regards.
Darryl Philbin: This was your freshman year.
Andy Bernard: I started to ask myself, "Do I have big plans here?" I didn't want to become editor of that paper, so I got up and walked right out of Walter Bernard hall, and that's actually when I heard eight male voices, singing, unencumbered by instruments. I was hooked. So is becoming CEO of this company your a capella group? Come on, we're going to Danny's bar. Public School.
Darryl Philbin: No. I got some work to do. I do got big plans with this company.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 6 season 7. Costume Contest is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.