Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Costume Contest

Vol. 7 · Issue 6Scranton, PA

It’s Halloween at Dunder Mifflin and the stakes are high for a coupon book supposedly worth fifteen thousand dollars. Every line from the episode is right here, including Michael’s meltdown over Darryl and the awkward reveal of why Danny Cordray never called Pam back. Whether you're looking for Gabe's Lady Gaga moments or Jim's low-effort Popeye, the full script covers it all.

Scene 01

2 lines
Andy Bernard
What about this one? It's kinda badass, right? Just seems kinda crazy in a way I might need right now.
Jim Halpert
I don't know. (looks at Stanley, who took his mug and is drinking out of it) Oh! That's... not... yours.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice?

Scene 03

5 lines
Stanley Hudson
What's a seven letter word for purse?
Kevin Malone
(sitting at Phyllis' desk, dressed like Phyllis; high pitched voice) Satchel!
Stanley Hudson
Nope. Starts with an H.
Andy Bernard
(shirtless, wearing only a tie) Handbag.
Stanley Hudson
Hmmm. (glances at Andy) Thank you.

Scene 04

1 line
Andy Bernard
Shh! Shhh! (watches Jim put a cardboard box over Stanley's monitor)

Scene 05

2 lines
Michael Scott
(standing outside the conference room, wearing fake teeth, watching Stanley walk in) All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in sales!
Everyone
Yay! (applause)

Scene 06

4 lines
Stanley Hudson
(looks at the clock, then at his watch) Hold up! That clock is slow. It is five o'clock, I will see you all tomorrow
Pam Beesly
(turns around, is wearing a mustache) Bye, Stanley! Love you! (waves, Stanley leaves)
Dwight Schrute
(standing next to a pony) So long, Stanley!
Stanley Hudson
Night, everybody.

Scene 07

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
So what kind of statement are you making with that costume, Kevin?
Kevin Malone
The statement that I am making, Oscar, is that I kind of look like Michael Moore.

Scene 08

1 line
Erin Hannon
Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin! Happy Halloween! How can I haunt you today?

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! (puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard, high pitched voice) Six seconds, MacGruber! (lifts head) Pam's got a lot of fun stuff planned! (puts head down, high pitched voice) Uh, two seconds MacGruber! (lifts head) Including a... costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board... OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! (throws fake bomb, takes off sunglasses, points to camera) MACGRUBERRRR!

Scene 10

1 line
Pam Beesly
People are really into the costume contest this year. Might have something to do with the prize, maybe you've heard of it. The 2011 Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book worth over fifteen thousand dollars in savings!

Scene 11

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Stop.
Dwight Schrute
(has his hands around Jim's neck) Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.
Jim Halpert
Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight Schrute
To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler. (looks at Pam) Oh-ho! That's very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrute's mom.
Pam Beesly
What?
Dwight Schrute
You're only one third as beautiful and only half her height.
Pam Beesly
I'm supposed to be Olive Oyl. And it makes more sense when I'm standing next to Popeye, but... Jim doesn't want to put his costume on.
Jim Halpert
(places pipe in mouth) I am Popeye!

Scene 12

1 line
Jim Halpert
I've never really been a costume guy. Even when I was a kid, it just felt like something I was too old for. And then this morning, when Pam hands me this little number (holds up Popeye costume, shakes head) ...no.

Scene 13

7 lines
Gabe Lewis
(dressed as Lady Gaga) In case you can't read m-m-my Poker Face... (laughs) we will be reviewing our sales policies. (accepts note from Michael, reads it out loud) I have ten seconds to read them or this whole place blows up.
Michael Scott
MACGRUBER!
Todd Packer
Lame. Why don't witches wear panties?
Michael Scott
Oh, here we go!
Todd Packer
Because they need to grip the broom!
Michael Scott
(laughs) OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski?
Dwight Schrute
Lake Erie.

Scene 14

7 lines
Gabe Lewis
When our warehouse workers make deliveries, they're going to be encouraged to offer clients extra products. And then they will split those commissions with sales.
Michael Scott
So, wait, drivers are going to be able to sell paper on the road?
Gabe Lewis
That is correct.
Todd Packer
Has anyone started calling you "Gabe-wad" yet?
Gabe Lewis
Not here.
Danny
Gabe-wad.
Gabe Lewis
Okay, guys, fun is fun, but-

Scene 15

11 lines
Michael Scott
Blackula!
Darryl Philbin
Dracula.
Michael Scott
Oh, so... I almost forgot. You'll find this hilarious. Apparently corporate is going to have drivers sell paper on their routes now. That's like, exactly sort of the idea that you had.
Darryl Philbin
Yes. I do remember saying something like that to you.
Michael Scott
Yeah. I'm sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that, man.
Darryl Philbin
I'm just glad we're gonna try it out.
Michael Scott
Really? We're good?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah. We're cool.
Michael Scott
Okay. (reaches out and shakes Darryl's hand) Okay.
Darryl Philbin
What's under your shirt?
Michael Scott
Oh. It's a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing.

Scene 17

7 lines
Toby Flenderson
(leans hobo sack against the refrigerator) It's a great stick, right?
Ryan Howard
It's really good. It's a classic. I think you might win the whole thing with that.
Toby Flenderson
Thanks!
Oscar Martinez
Everyone realizes that this coupon book isn't actually worth fifteen thousand dollars, right? You'd have to spend two hundred thousand dollars on crap you don't actually need to get fifteen thousand dollars worth of benefits. I'm not the only one who sees this, right?
Toby Flenderson
No.
Ryan Howard
No.
Kelly Kapoor
I get that. I get that.

Scene 18

8 lines
Danny
Excuse me, everybody. I want to invite you all to the Halloween party I'm having at my bar.
Kevin Malone
You own a bar?
Danny
Public School, at exit 11.
Oscar Martinez
That's a great name. You're hilarious. A plus!
Danny
So. You're all on the list!
Ryan Howard
Hey, man, can I get a plus five? It's all guys.
Creed Bratton
Hey, what's the crowd like, Danny? Our age?
Danny
Okay.

Scene 19

5 lines
Kevin Malone
I don't think that she would leave Jim for Danny.
Phyllis Vance
I don't know, they're both handsome.
Dwight Schrute
Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?
Phyllis Vance
I think he-
Creed Bratton
Hey hey hey, quiet, here she comes! Did you hear about that Danny guy? Heard he used to date Pam.

Scene 20

9 lines
Jim Halpert
So four years ago, when I was in Stamford, Connecticut, and dating someone else, Pam went on two dates with Danny. Which was obviously the greatest love story ever told, given how much people are walking on eggshells around us.
Pam Beesly
We were basically Romeo and Juliet.
Jim Halpert
That's right.
Pam Beesly
Except where Juliet doesn't have that great a time and Romeo doesn't call back after two dates.
Jim Halpert
Yikes.
Pam Beesly
But I've learned to love again. (puts her arm on Jim's shoulder) He's a cartoon sailor.
Jim Halpert
Oh, no.
Pam Beesly
And looks so handsome in his UNIFORM! Please?
Jim Halpert
No. No, I'm not gonna-no.

Scene 21

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Tuna! Tuna! Do you want us to skip this party?
Jim Halpert
I don't care.

Scene 22

4 lines
Kevin Malone
I am never gonna forget what Danny did to Pam. I forget nothing. I'm like an elephant in that way.
Andy Bernard
You know what else? (pulling fake teeth out of his mouth) The-this... this sucks for Jim. Right? But it also sucks for us. Because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties. (puts teeth back in)
Kevin Malone
Yeah, and everyone else is gonna be there. Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl... Creed's a maybe.
Andy Bernard
(removes teeth) Creed's going?!

Scene 23

1 line
Jim Halpert
Madge from the warehouse just made her first sale. Madge. We should have been doing this a long time ago.

Scene 24

17 lines
Michael Scott
Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone?
Darryl Philbin
(answers phone) Hello?
Michael Scott
Hi, Darryl, come out here, please.
Darryl Philbin
I'm good.
Michael Scott
You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar!
Darryl Philbin
This is embarrassing, Michael.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I bet it is! If you're gonna do your job well here, you gotta get used to being embarrassed.
Darryl Philbin
Let me put my shoes on. (hangs up phone, dial tone)
Pam Beesly
(leans over toward Erin) Um, hit the speakerphone button. The speakerphone button? The same button as you hit before... or sit on it.
Michael Scott
This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbin's. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits.
Angela Martin
So, what happened?
Michael Scott
I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea, but you know what? They need to know that it was yours. And I don't care if I take a bullet. We're gonna call them, we're gonna put them on speakerphone right now...
Erin Hannon
Oh! (fumbles for phone)
Michael Scott
And we are going to straighten this out.
Andy Bernard
Screw corporate! They probably stole the idea anyway.
Michael Scott
Mmhm!
Gabe Lewis
Uh uh. Corporate stole nothing, okay? Darryl told me, and then I told them, giving Darryl full credit, so... no need to (mimicking Andy) screw corporate! Or anything like that, so. Let's give Darryl a round of applause, as planned. (claps)

Scene 25

8 lines
Michael Scott
I'm a little peeved at Darryl right now.
Dwight Schrute
He went to Gabe behind your back.
Michael Scott
No, he didn't go behind my back. He went over my head.
Dwight Schrute
He went over your head to go behind your back.
Michael Scott
What is taking someone from behind?
Dwight Schrute
No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can't have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous.
Michael Scott
It was a good idea, though.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. Here's another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryl's idea.

Scene 26

18 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, Danny.
Danny
Hey.
Andy Bernard
I'm really sorry, but we can't come to your party tonight.
Danny
I was looking forward to throwing some darts with you guys.
Andy Bernard
You were?
Kevin Malone
Okay, well then, uh, I mean, maybe we could do it like... next Halloween.
Danny
For sure.
Andy Bernard
We're just like, totally caught in the middle here.
Danny
What are you talking about?
Andy Bernard
Well Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go...
Danny
Jim and Pam really don't want you to go?
Kevin Malone
They're really upset about the whole Danny situation.
Danny
I'll talk to them.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, but wait, don't tell them that we said anything to you.
Danny
Okay.
Kevin Malone
Or you're dead.
Danny
Okay.
Kevin Malone
Okay.

Scene 27

7 lines
Erin Hannon
Kelly! Great costume!
Toby Flenderson
Oh.
Angela Martin
KELLY! You cannot change costumes in the middle of the day! Pam, she's out.
Kelly Kapoor
Um, if I'm out, I'm going to sue this ENTIRE COMPANY for discrimination.
Oscar Martinez
Guys? You're arguing over a one in sixteen chance. Over a prize worth... forty bucks.
Kelly Kapoor
Um, fifteen thousand bucks, Oscar.
Angela Martin
Yeah, shut it, Oscar. Pam?

Scene 28

1 line
Angela Martin
This is an amazing prize. I mean, I don't even want to give Pam a compliment, because she's so blegh, but she did a good job. I really want that coupon book.

Scene 29

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
Garbage magnet. (throws magnet) Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don't need to tart them up with some design. (to Michael) I can't believe this doesn't make you mad!
Michael Scott
(staring at Gabe and Kevin) What the hell are they talking about?
Dwight Schrute
Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique.
Michael Scott
Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I don't-(sees Kevin and Gabe fist-bump) Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? That's inappropriate, Kevin. I am your boss, and if you have something to say, it goes through me, and then I take it to Gabe. Chain of command. Do you understand?
Kevin Malone
I am so sorry.
Michael Scott
Oh, you're sorry?
Kevin Malone
I just thought-
Michael Scott
What did you just thought?
Kevin Malone
Well, Gabe asked me if there were any really cool Lady Gaga moves that he could do for the catwalk. And so then I tol-(tries not to cry)
Michael Scott
All right.
Kevin Malone
I told him that there was this one cool move where she powers down like a robot.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Kevin Malone
Okay? But I- I am so sorry that I didn't tell you first.
Michael Scott
Well, don't let it happen again.
Kevin Malone
(hysterical) You think that I would let this happen again?! NO WAY JOSE.
Michael Scott
I-
Kevin Malone
(bleep) you, Gabe!
Gabe Lewis
Okay...

Scene 30

15 lines
Danny
Can you imagine? It's just crazy.
Jim Halpert
That is crazy. We would never care if Andy or Kevin went to your party.
Danny
Look, I'm just glad we can laugh about it. Because I was a little nervous about coming to work here, with, you know, our history.
Pam Beesly
Oh, my gosh! People keep blowing it out of proportion! It's not even a history.
Danny
Exactly.
Jim Halpert
It's not like you guys had some long relationship right? Big painful breakup I don't know about?
Danny
No! Two or three dates.
Pam Beesly
It was two.
Danny
Was it two? I thought it was three.
Pam Beesly
No, we um, we had plans for a third, but then I don't know, you never called me back, so...
Jim Halpert
Oooh! You can't handle the truth! (laughs)
Danny
(laughing) Well, that does not sound like me.
Pam Beesly
Yeah? (stops laughing) It was though, that's what happened.
Danny
(stops laughing) Well, great, I just wanted to make sure that things weren't weird.
Pam Beesly
Hmm-mm.

Scene 31

12 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, this whole going over my head-gate? Is making people act weird. The chain of command is crumbling. Do you know what just happened? I just made Kevin cry. And Gabe looks like Lady Gaga. That's not Halloween. Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other.
Darryl Philbin
I'm not mad. Are you mad?
Michael Scott
You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating.
Darryl Philbin
Well, I'm sorry if it seems that way to you.
Michael Scott
Okay, that might help. If you said "I'm sorry" in front of everybody.
Darryl Philbin
Mike.
Michael Scott
In front of me.
Darryl Philbin
You made a bad call. And I fixed it. So I'm not apologizing.
Michael Scott
So that's it.
Darryl Philbin
That's it.
Michael Scott
Is it?
Darryl Philbin
Yes.

Scene 32

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Sookehhh. (removes teeth) Bill Compton, from True Blood.
Stanley Hudson
How many freakin' vampires am I supposed to care about these days?

Scene 33

7 lines
Oscar Martinez
I guess you could say I'm still in costume. I'm a rational consumer.
Phyllis Vance
Oh.
Oscar Martinez
Stupid coupon booklet. Have you seen my costume? I'm a rational consumer.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, I uh, heard you say it to Phyllis. That's a good line.
Pam Beesly
Okay, everybody! After you walk the runway everyone has to vote for who gets the coupon book. And you can't vote for yourself.
Kevin Malone
Pam. Can you vote for other people?
Michael Scott
Yeah, I gotta get in on this. (mocking Darryl) Hey, it's cool, man, I work in the warehouse! I'm cool! I'm hip and I'm jive! And I don't care about nobody! Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk!

Scene 34

6 lines
Michael Scott
Still don't know who I am? I'll give you a hint. I go over other people's heads.
Pam Beesly
Michael, this is a bad idea.
Michael Scott
What's a bad idea?
Pam Beesly
Dressing up as somebody-I mean, when has that ever worked for you?
Michael Scott
NEVER! (tosses wig) Okay, you know what? Fine. I'm not Darryl. And thank God I'm not Darryl.
Kelly Kapoor
Could you for once just let us enjoy a party instead of making it about all your issues?

Scene 35

1 line
Stanley Hudson
(walking down the runway) Raaah! (waves sword)

Scene 36

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I present to you the (finger quotes) rational consumer, as it were.

Scene 37

1 line
Pam Beesly
Angela as the nurse!

Scene 38

1 line
Angela Martin
I don't like your tone! Look, they were sold out of all the other costumes, okay? I think we all live in the real world, here. Let's not pretend to be unaware of what sells in this office.

Scene 39

8 lines
Phyllis Vance
What should we ask?
Michael Scott
Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend who backstabs people in the back?
Jim Halpert
We have one question to ask the spirit world and you want us to ask that?
Erin Hannon
He says no.
Michael Scott
Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it.
Darryl Philbin
No.
Michael Scott
Dwight, you saw Darryl move it, right?
Dwight Schrute
Let's just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.

Scene 40

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth.

Scene 41

4 lines
Michael Scott
If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl what would that word be?
Erin Hannon
(hands are being forced to the letters) A... S... S... H... E... T?
Phyllis Vance
An asset!
Erin Hannon
Ah! (lets go, candy corn flies everywhere) That's enough.

Scene 42

13 lines
Danny
I don't think it's gonna work out the way you think.
Todd Packer
I don't think you get it.
Danny
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Danny
This is some party, huh?
Jim Halpert
When you work hard, you play hard around here. Even if you don't work hard. Oh, here's something. Uh, why didn't you ever call Pam back?
Danny
Are you serious?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that everyone has to fall in love, or anything, I'm just saying... but you know, to not even call her back is...
Danny
You know what it was? I think she gave me her number but then her fours look like eights, and...
Jim Halpert
Could be. But you also called her the second time so you had the number right.
Todd Packer
Halpert, you lookin' for someone to bang your wife?
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Danny
Okay. You wanna know? I didn't call her back because she spent the whole date talking about you. She was obviously in love with you.

Scene 43

4 lines
Ryan Howard
Fifty seven. Fifty eight.
Meredith Palmer
Wait, wait. She hasn't moved in awhile.
Oscar Martinez
(reaches over to pull Erin out of apple bobbing water) ERIN!
Erin Hannon
Two! I got two. I ate two whole apples.

Scene 44

8 lines
Pam Beesly
I'd remember talking about Jim. That wasn't it.
Jim Halpert
Just tell her the real reason.
Danny
Do you honestly want to know why I didn't call her back on a date over four years ago?
Jim Halpert
Hey. She had a nice time. It seems rude.
Pam Beesly
I did. And it's just one of those things that's going to keep gnawing at me, like "gnaw, gnaw, why? Why didn't he? I have no idea why."
Danny
Okay. Honestly. I didn't call you back because I-thought you seemed a little... dorky.
Jim Halpert
Hey, man.
Pam Beesly
Thank you! Thank you. I got it. Now I know. You thought I was a little dorky. You know? (gibberish sounds) Okay. Well, excuuuuse me.

Scene 45

25 lines
Gabe Lewis
In the future, you need to get Michael's approval on anything before coming to me.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Darryl Philbin
You're gonna be missing out on some good ideas.
Gabe Lewis
Okay, well, obviously if it's a really, really good idea, my door is open.
Michael Scott
If they're good ideas, I'm not gonna say no!
Darryl Philbin
You said no to this one!
Michael Scott
That was-okay, you make one mistake in fifteen years and you drag me over the coals, after everything I did for you?
Darryl Philbin
What have you done for me?
Michael Scott
Oh...
Darryl Philbin
What have you done for me?
Michael Scott
Well...
Darryl Philbin
Ed Truck hired me. Jo promoted me. Gabe listened to me. All you've ever done is say no to me. I have ambition. And you kept me at the same level for years.
Gabe Lewis
Ohh. Dropping bombs, right? (explosion noise) This really make you think, Michael?
Michael Scott
Stop it! Stop, stop. We're thinking. We're thinking about it.
Gabe Lewis
Yeah.
Michael Scott
You don't have to point to the fact that we're thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay, next time you have a really great idea, we will put it in a hat, and then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat and let her decide.
Darryl Philbin
I don't understand the point of a hat.
Gabe Lewis
You're right, we don't need a hat.
Michael Scott
I am not budging on the hat issue.
Gabe Lewis
Okay. We're going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me, I make the final decision, period.
Michael Scott
Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe.
Gabe Lewis
Okay, why don't we simplify this? Darryl brings it to Michael, Michael brings it to me, no one calls Jo.
Michael Scott
Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo, then we'll give her a call.
Darryl Philbin
Cool. Okay. Sorry I lied.
Michael Scott
Sorry I was a jerk.

Scene 46

1 line
Michael Scott
Friends fight. Friends fight.

Scene 47

6 lines
Andy Bernard
What's up, man?
Darryl Philbin
Sometimes it seems like it was better down in the warehouse, you know?
Andy Bernard
When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, the Cornell Daily Sun? This was at Cornell. I had to write an op-ed column every day. Bernard's Regards.
Darryl Philbin
This was your freshman year.
Andy Bernard
I started to ask myself, "Do I have big plans here?" I didn't want to become editor of that paper, so I got up and walked right out of Walter Bernard hall, and that's actually when I heard eight male voices, singing, unencumbered by instruments. I was hooked. So is becoming CEO of this company your a capella group? Come on, we're going to Danny's bar. Public School.
Darryl Philbin
No. I got some work to do. I do got big plans with this company.

Scene 48

1 line
Jim Halpert
To be honest, I still can't believe he didn't call her back. Who doesn't call a dork like that back?

Scene 49

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, wow!
Jim Halpert
(holding Cece) Spinach in a can. Power eat spinach. (Popeye sound)
Pam Beesly
Aww, my hero!

Scene 50

1 line
Pam Beesly
Okay, everyone, I've tallied the votes, and the winner... of the costume celebration spectacular... and the Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book... Oscar Martinez.

Scene 51

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
If I have to vote for someone, I don't want it to be someone who can beat me.

Scene 52

1 line
Ryan Howard
Shake things up. I'm a Nader guy.

Scene 53

1 line
Creed Bratton
Best Edward James Olmos costume I've ever seen. Like, freaky good.