Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Christening

Vol. 7 · Issue 7Scranton, PA

Cece's big day gets a little crowded when Michael invites the entire office to a reception that was supposed to be intimate. You'll find every line from the episode here, from Dwight's awkward church sales pitch to Michael and Andy's impulsive decision to hop on a bus to Mexico. It's the best way to catch those "Sconesy Cider" jokes and follow the chaos of Jim losing the baby's change of clothes.

Scene 01

20 lines
Pam Beesly
I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat.
Kelly Kapoor
I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.
Michael Scott
That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what-
Jim Halpert
Stop.
Michael Scott
(under his breath) Um... kay. Uh, alright.
Pam Beesly
One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Erin Hannon
Di-Did you say vampire?
Pam Beesly
Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. (coughs into elbow)
Dwight Schrute
Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? (looks at camera) 'Cause of the euro.
Pam Beesly
Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick.
Dwight Schrute
(rolls his eyes and shakes his head) Uh...
Pam Beesly
And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.
Dwight Schrute
NO, no, no. They will cost you your life.
Jim Halpert
Elaborate.
Dwight Schrute
The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...
Pam Beesly
I'm not - I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Dwight Schrute
Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Jim Halpert
So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. I would welcome it.
Jim Halpert
(sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera) You're welcome.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.

Scene 03

1 line
Angela Martin
Jim. Pam. (gasps, speaks in baby voice) And the precious bundle of God's gift to everything. (back to her normal voice) I wish you both a pleasant day. (baby voice) And you too. Yes. Praise God. Ok.

Scene 04

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Cece's getting christened today.
Jim Halpert
Big day.
Pam Beesly
Everyone from work is here. We weren't planning on that.
Jim Halpert
Nope.

Scene 05

4 lines
Michael Scott
Top of the Sunday morning to you.
Andy Bernard
And a top of the day to you too, sir.
Ryan Howard
Hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses.
Michael Scott
Oh, yes. (mimicking smoking) Doobie-doobie doo.

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
I invited everyone in the office because it's not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our, all of ours joys.

Scene 07

1 line
Andy Bernard
(looking at Cece, under his breath) Ah, man. (looks at Erin talking to Gabe)

Scene 08

1 line
Andy Bernard
Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids.

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(handing out cards) For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.

Scene 10

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Sunday church service... it's been a few years. The Big Guy and I, we got some catching up to do.

Scene 11

18 lines
Michael Scott
(in an old man mobster voice) Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael, this is just for family.
Michael Scott
But I'm the Godfather.
Jim Halpert
It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather.
Michael Scott
Are you talking to me?
Jim Halpert
(whispers to Pam) Ok, your turn.
Michael Scott
Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.
Pam Beesly
Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott
(normal voice) I'm not the godfather.
Pam Beesly
Okay, thank you.
Michael Scott
(clears his throat) So who is the godfather?
Pam Beesly
Our friend, Seth, and his wife there.
Michael Scott
Okay. Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten?
Pam Beesly
No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They're a great couple. You should meet them later.
Michael Scott
No, I have plenty of friends, so... all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael.

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
I don't even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.

Scene 13

7 lines
Church congregation
(singing) We ask you, Lord, come to our aid.
Pastor
Good morning.
Everyone
Good morning.
Michael Scott
Good morning.
Pastor
What a terrific day this is, and not just because the Eagles are playing. (laughter, Kevin giggles)
Pastor
You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico.
Ryan Howard
I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes.

Scene 14

1 line
Toby Flenderson
(stands outside church entrance) Okay, this is, all right, this is silly. (goes inside) (walks back out) Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope...

Scene 15

3 lines
Female church member
And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery.
Pastor
Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance? (Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time, Dwight stares at him, man sits back down)
Dwight Schrute
Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price.

Scene 16

5 lines
Pastor
Christening calls to repentance, to faithfulness, and to discipleship. We've come to celebrate these babies.
Pam Beesly
(looking at Cece's diaper) Somebody needs a change.
Jim Halpert
Right now?
Pam Beesly
Well, she can't bring this up with her.
Jim Halpert
Okay. All right, come on. (picks up Cece from Pam, whispers to her) Where are we going? Where are we going? We're gonna take a little field trip.

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
(whispering, going into the bathroom with Cece) Okay. Okay. There's my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What's that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop!

Scene 18

11 lines
Pam Beesly
(seeing Jim come in with Cece wearing an old t-shirt) What?
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
Honey, no.
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Pam Beesly
No, no.
Jim Halpert
This is happening.
Pam Beesly
We have an extra outfit in the bag.
Jim Halpert
No. There's no extra outfit in the bag.
Pam Beesly
You said you checked it.
Jim Halpert
I did... say that.
Pastor
At this time, will the families please come join me?

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever.

Scene 20

2 lines
Pastor
Before we go, I'd like to remind everyone that the "Halberts" have been kind enough to host a reception next door immediately following the service.
Jim Halpert
Mm. No. Wrong on both counts.

Scene 21

1 line
Jim Halpert
Okay, "A," Halbert. And, "B," I think a more appropriate statement would be, "The 'Halberts' are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests."

Scene 22

9 lines
Ryan Howard
For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?
Kelly Kapoor
Try "Jesus."
Dwight Schrute
Opus dei.
Male church member
(to Michael) Hi. Good morning.
Michael Scott
Good morning.
Female church member
(to Michael) Good morning.
Michael Scott
Good morning.
Ryan Howard
Hello.
Dwight Schrute
Shh, shh, shh.

Scene 23

2 lines
Michael Scott
(walking around and greeting people) How are you? Good morning. Good morning.
Lady
Good morning.

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.

Scene 25

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Doug
(church member) I'm Doug Mcpherson, Davey's uncle.
Jim Halpert
Oh, well, Dave is an adorable baby.
Doug
Davey.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. (Doug walks away)
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Angela Martin
Well, this is intimate.
Pam Beesly
We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people.
Angela Martin
You don't know them all?
Pam Beesly
Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all.
Angela Martin
Jesus is not your caterer. (baby voice to Cece) But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? (normal voice) They don't think.
Pam Beesly
(to Cece) Hm. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't get to come home to someone as cute as you.
Jim Halpert
Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby?
Pam Beesly
I don't know. I'm just hungry.
Jim Halpert
Okay, well, you know what? Everybody's hungry. (Pam looks at Jim) Sorry. I think I'm just hungry.

Scene 26

5 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, after you.
Male church member
Oh, no, after you.
Michael Scott
No, I insist. After me.
Male church member
(laughs) I'm gonna use that one. Have a good lunch.
Michael Scott
Thank you. You too.

Scene 27

4 lines
Stanley Hudson
This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.
Kevin Malone
I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
Michael Scott
You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch.
Kevin Malone
With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes.

Scene 28

2 lines
Girl
Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that's leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. (group of young adults cheer and applaud)
Ryan Howard
(whispering) Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts.

Scene 29

4 lines
Girl
This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip.
Phyllis Vance
(chuckling) Who takes a kid to Mexico?
Stanley Hudson
I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are.
Michael Scott
Shh.

Scene 30

3 lines
Girl
Right now, Jessica's children have to walk twelve miles to a school with dirt floors.
Michael Scott
No.
Girl
It's gonna be three months of hard work and when we're done, we'll practically be Quimixtanos.

Scene 31

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold.
Michael Scott
(overhearing Dwight's conversation) Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey.
Dwight Schrute
I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me? Stop it.
Dwight Schrute
I'll call you back.

Scene 32

4 lines
Girl
My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?
Andy Bernard
What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?
Michael Scott
Shh.
Girl
Thank you. Or should I say gracias?

Scene 33

10 lines
Pam Beesly
(sighs) Cece went down.
Woman
(holding up an empty serving dish) What was this? You're out of it.
Jim Halpert
Scones.
Woman
I didn't get one.
Pam Beesly
Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either.
Woman
Is it just the one jug of apple cider? (Pam shrugs, woman walks away)
Pam Beesly
Who the heck was that?
Jim Halpert
I think that was sconesy cider, noted baptism reception critic.
Pam Beesly
We need more food. I'll go get some subs and sodas.
Jim Halpert
All right. And cider.

Scene 34

10 lines
Michael Scott
(pointing to group of young adults laughing) Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals.
Stanley Hudson
You could feed the hungry. Us.
Oscar Martinez
Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together.
Darryl Philbin
We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this?
Michael Scott
Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party.
Phyllis Vance
Church isn't a party, Michael.
Michael Scott
Well, it's, it's-
Ryan Howard
Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid?
Michael Scott
No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month.

Scene 35

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh, hey, Mee-Maw, would you watch Cece for a second? Don't worry. She's asleep. I'm just gonna track down some more chairs.
Mee-Maw
Fine, fine. I guess I'll watch Suzanne's purse and your baby.

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
(standing in a line saying goodbye to the kids going to Mexico) Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We're proud of you. (starts to walk down through the line and into the bus) Bye. Okay.

Scene 37

7 lines
Michael Scott
(on the bus) Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico?
Students
Yeah! (cheers, applause)
Michael Scott
(in reference to the team shirts) I'll take a shirt.
Guy
Are you coming?
Michael Scott
If you'll have me, yes.
Guy
Heck, yes.
Michael Scott
Really? (cheers, applause) Thank you. All right.

Scene 38

20 lines
Oscar Martinez
(seeing Michael on the bus) Michael. Get off the bus.
Michael Scott
No, I'm not. I'm staying on the bus. I'm already on the bus. I'm going.
Gabe Lewis
Michael, this is irresponsible.
Michael Scott
It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life.
Darryl Philbin
I agree. I think it's superb.
Gabe Lewis
Well, you have a job to do. Okay, there is no off-season when it comes to printer sales.
Michael Scott
You know what, my job will be here when I get back.
Andy Bernard
Michael, you can't go to Mexico. You don't have your passport.
Guy
(sticking his head out Michael's window on the bus) You don't need one to get in. Plus, we can just have it sent to him down in Mexico.
Michael Scott
Hey, right?
Phyllis Vance
Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?
Michael Scott
Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them.
Phyllis Vance
Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?
Michael Scott
Tell them that I'm in a meeting.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount?
Michael Scott
No, you may not.
Dwight Schrute
Gah!
Erin Hannon
I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
(looking at Erin) Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming!

Scene 39

3 lines
Andy Bernard
I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick.
Guy
We're actually building them a school.
Andy Bernard
Whatever. I won't-I won't stand for it.

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
(waving goodbye as the bus drives away) See you in a few months.

Scene 41

6 lines
Girl
If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn't have so many problems.
Michael Scott
Mm. That's not gonna happen.
Andy Bernard
We're one in a million.
Girl
I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months.
Michael Scott
Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So...
Andy Bernard
Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals...

Scene 42

1 line
Toby Flenderson
(standing in the church sanctuary, talking to the stained glass) Why you always got to be so mean to me?

Scene 43

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(seeing Cece gone from the couch he left her) Uh, MeeMaw, where's Cece?
MeeMaw
I don't know. I lost the purse too.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 44

18 lines
Andy Bernard
Good-bye, Lackawana County.
Michael Scott
How long till we get to Mexico?
Andy Bernard
Well, two days minus how long we've been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more.
Michael Scott
Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?
Andy Bernard
I don't know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or...
Michael Scott
Why aren't they building it themselves?
Andy Bernard
They don't know how.
Michael Scott
Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how?
Andy Bernard
Well, Carla knows.
Michael Scott
Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing?
Carla
Oh, trying to sleep.
Michael Scott
What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening?
Andy Bernard
Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese?
Michael Scott
Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday.
Andy Bernard
And the Christmas party.
Michael Scott
And Cinco de Mayo.
Andy Bernard
Nah, no. We'll be back before that.
Michael Scott
No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus.

Scene 45

24 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, guys, has anybody seen the baby?
Phyllis Vance
Here's her carrier, but no Cece.
Jim's Dad
Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where's the little girl of honor?
Jim Halpert
I don't know, dad. I don't know.
Doug
I don't mean to bug, but do you know when those subs are due into port? I got a hungry bunch of Mcphersons over there.
Jim Halpert
I don't know. Hey, have you seen my baby?
Doug
I think maybe some blonde lady had her.
Jim Halpert
A small blonde woman?
Doug
Smaller than me.
Jim Halpert
Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small-(pointing to Angela) Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby!
Angela Martin
(as Kevin runs to grab her) What are you doing?
Kevin Malone
(reaching into her purse) Give me the baby!
Angela Martin
What? Kevin!
Helene
(holding the baby, walks up to Jim) Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby.
Jim Halpert
(baby voice) Hi.
Pam Beesly
(walks up) Honey.
Jim Halpert
(to Cece) Hi. (to everyone) All right. Travel safe, Angela.
Angela Martin
Did you think I stole your baby?
Jim Halpert
What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don't, because I've got my eye on you.
Kevin Malone
(gasping as he looks into Angela's purse) Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby?
Angela Martin
Someone put them in my bag.
Doug
(to Pam) So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let's haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly's.
Pam Beesly
Did you lose Cece?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did.

Scene 46

27 lines
Michael Scott
Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something?
Andy Bernard
I can make myself cry.
Michael Scott
Do that. Do it.
Andy Bernard
Should I-I got it. I got it. (walks up to the bus driver) Um, hey, I saw a sign for a scenic overlook coming up. Really love to check out the view.
Bus driver
Can't stop. We're on a schedule.
Andy Bernard
Well, uh, there's a nice bistro coming up. We could pick up some Paninis for the road.
Bus driver
Maybe we'll stop in Tennesseee. It's not safe to talk to a driver.
Michael Scott
(having walked up to the front) Okay, driver, driver, if you're not gonna stop this bus, then I'm going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. (pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound)
Bus driver
Stopping in Tennessee.
Guy
Hey, is there a problem, you guys?
Michael Scott
Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please.
Guy
Why?
Andy Bernard
Just make him stop the freaking bus!
Michael Scott
Stop the bus, okay?
Carla
Are you okay, sir?
Michael Scott
I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take.
Girl
You have plenty left to give. You're doing-
Michael Scott
Blah-di-blah!
Andy Bernard
It doesn't matter.
Michael Scott
We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything.
Andy Bernard
If we went to Mexico, we'd probably screw everything up anyway.
Michael Scott
Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay?
Andy Bernard
Stop the bus!
Michael & Andy
(shouting and clapping) Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
Guy
Okay, stop the dang bus.
Michael Scott
(bus stopping) Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you.
Another guy
(getting off the bus) Wait for me! (bus drives away) Don't say anything to my parents.

Scene 47

3 lines
Erin Hannon
(driving up to pick up Michael, Andy, and kid off the road) Get in quick.
Michael Scott
Why quick?
Erin Hannon
So it's faster.

Scene 48

10 lines
Erin Hannon
Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?
Michael Scott
Is anyone still at the church?
Erin Hannon
No, actually most of them went to go see a movie.
Michael Scott
What? Shut up.
Erin Hannon
Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan.
Michael Scott
It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.
Erin Hannon
I bet. You guys.
Guy
Can I come? (silence)
Erin Hannon
Oh, Lake Wobblegone's on. Do you guys-are you cool with that?
Radio
"... banana bread, but Fred Nordquist had no appetite. He was thinking about his pair of new boots. It'd been ten years after all. As he told Mrs. Nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots."