Every line from The Office episode "Christening", season 7 episode 7.
Pam Beesly: I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat.
Kelly Kapoor: I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.
Michael Scott: That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what-
Michael Scott: (under his breath) Um... kay. Uh, alright.
Pam Beesly: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Erin Hannon: Di-Did you say vampire?
Pam Beesly: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. (coughs into elbow)
Dwight Schrute: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? (looks at camera) 'Cause of the euro.
Pam Beesly: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick.
Dwight Schrute: (rolls his eyes and shakes his head) Uh...
Pam Beesly: And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.
Dwight Schrute: NO, no, no. They will cost you your life.
Dwight Schrute: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...
Pam Beesly: I'm not - I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Dwight Schrute: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Jim Halpert: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. I would welcome it.
Jim Halpert: (sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera) You're welcome.
Michael Scott: Top of the Sunday morning to you.
Andy Bernard: And a top of the day to you too, sir.
Ryan Howard: Hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses.
Michael Scott: Oh, yes. (mimicking smoking) Doobie-doobie doo.
Michael Scott: (in an old man mobster voice) Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.
Pam Beesly: Oh, Michael, this is just for family.
Michael Scott: But I'm the Godfather.
Jim Halpert: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather.
Michael Scott: Are you talking to me?
Jim Halpert: (whispers to Pam) Ok, your turn.
Michael Scott: Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.
Pam Beesly: Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather.
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott: (normal voice) I'm not the godfather.
Pam Beesly: Okay, thank you.
Michael Scott: (clears his throat) So who is the godfather?
Pam Beesly: Our friend, Seth, and his wife there.
Michael Scott: Okay. Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten?
Pam Beesly: No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They're a great couple. You should meet them later.
Michael Scott: No, I have plenty of friends, so... all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael.
Church congregation: (singing) We ask you, Lord, come to our aid.
Michael Scott: Good morning.
Pastor: What a terrific day this is, and not just because the Eagles are playing. (laughter, Kevin giggles)
Pastor: You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico.
Ryan Howard: I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes.
Toby Flenderson: (stands outside church entrance) Okay, this is, all right, this is silly. (goes inside) (walks back out) Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope...
Female church member: And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery.
Pastor: Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance? (Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time, Dwight stares at him, man sits back down)
Dwight Schrute: Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price.
Pastor: Christening calls to repentance, to faithfulness, and to discipleship. We've come to celebrate these babies.
Pam Beesly: (looking at Cece's diaper) Somebody needs a change.
Pam Beesly: Well, she can't bring this up with her.
Jim Halpert: Okay. All right, come on. (picks up Cece from Pam, whispers to her) Where are we going? Where are we going? We're gonna take a little field trip.
Jim Halpert: (whispering, going into the bathroom with Cece) Okay. Okay. There's my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What's that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop!
Pam Beesly: (seeing Jim come in with Cece wearing an old t-shirt) What?
Jim Halpert: This is happening.
Pam Beesly: We have an extra outfit in the bag.
Jim Halpert: No. There's no extra outfit in the bag.
Pam Beesly: You said you checked it.
Jim Halpert: I did... say that.
Pastor: At this time, will the families please come join me?
Ryan Howard: For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?
Kelly Kapoor: Try "Jesus."
Dwight Schrute: Opus dei.
Male church member: (to Michael) Hi. Good morning.
Michael Scott: Good morning.
Female church member: (to Michael) Good morning.
Michael Scott: Good morning.
Dwight Schrute: Shh, shh, shh.
Doug: (church member) I'm Doug Mcpherson, Davey's uncle.
Jim Halpert: Oh, well, Dave is an adorable baby.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. (Doug walks away)
Angela Martin: Well, this is intimate.
Pam Beesly: We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people.
Angela Martin: You don't know them all?
Pam Beesly: Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all.
Angela Martin: Jesus is not your caterer. (baby voice to Cece) But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? (normal voice) They don't think.
Pam Beesly: (to Cece) Hm. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't get to come home to someone as cute as you.
Jim Halpert: Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby?
Pam Beesly: I don't know. I'm just hungry.
Jim Halpert: Okay, well, you know what? Everybody's hungry. (Pam looks at Jim) Sorry. I think I'm just hungry.
Michael Scott: Oh, after you.
Male church member: Oh, no, after you.
Michael Scott: No, I insist. After me.
Male church member: (laughs) I'm gonna use that one. Have a good lunch.
Michael Scott: Thank you. You too.
Stanley Hudson: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.
Kevin Malone: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
Michael Scott: You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch.
Kevin Malone: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes.
Girl: Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that's leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. (group of young adults cheer and applaud)
Ryan Howard: (whispering) Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts.
Dwight Schrute: Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold.
Michael Scott: (overhearing Dwight's conversation) Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey.
Dwight Schrute: I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? Stop it.
Dwight Schrute: I'll call you back.
Pam Beesly: (sighs) Cece went down.
Woman: (holding up an empty serving dish) What was this? You're out of it.
Pam Beesly: Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either.
Woman: Is it just the one jug of apple cider? (Pam shrugs, woman walks away)
Pam Beesly: Who the heck was that?
Jim Halpert: I think that was sconesy cider, noted baptism reception critic.
Pam Beesly: We need more food. I'll go get some subs and sodas.
Jim Halpert: All right. And cider.
Michael Scott: (pointing to group of young adults laughing) Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals.
Stanley Hudson: You could feed the hungry. Us.
Oscar Martinez: Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together.
Darryl Philbin: We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this?
Michael Scott: Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party.
Phyllis Vance: Church isn't a party, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, it's, it's-
Ryan Howard: Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid?
Michael Scott: No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month.
Michael Scott: (on the bus) Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico?
Students: Yeah! (cheers, applause)
Michael Scott: (in reference to the team shirts) I'll take a shirt.
Michael Scott: If you'll have me, yes.
Michael Scott: Really? (cheers, applause) Thank you. All right.
Oscar Martinez: (seeing Michael on the bus) Michael. Get off the bus.
Michael Scott: No, I'm not. I'm staying on the bus. I'm already on the bus. I'm going.
Gabe Lewis: Michael, this is irresponsible.
Michael Scott: It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life.
Darryl Philbin: I agree. I think it's superb.
Gabe Lewis: Well, you have a job to do. Okay, there is no off-season when it comes to printer sales.
Michael Scott: You know what, my job will be here when I get back.
Andy Bernard: Michael, you can't go to Mexico. You don't have your passport.
Guy: (sticking his head out Michael's window on the bus) You don't need one to get in. Plus, we can just have it sent to him down in Mexico.
Michael Scott: Hey, right?
Phyllis Vance: Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?
Michael Scott: Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them.
Phyllis Vance: Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?
Michael Scott: Tell them that I'm in a meeting.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount?
Michael Scott: No, you may not.
Erin Hannon: I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: (looking at Erin) Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming!
Girl: If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn't have so many problems.
Michael Scott: Mm. That's not gonna happen.
Andy Bernard: We're one in a million.
Girl: I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So...
Andy Bernard: Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals...
Andy Bernard: Good-bye, Lackawana County.
Michael Scott: How long till we get to Mexico?
Andy Bernard: Well, two days minus how long we've been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more.
Michael Scott: Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?
Andy Bernard: I don't know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or...
Michael Scott: Why aren't they building it themselves?
Andy Bernard: They don't know how.
Michael Scott: Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how?
Andy Bernard: Well, Carla knows.
Michael Scott: Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing?
Carla: Oh, trying to sleep.
Michael Scott: What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening?
Andy Bernard: Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese?
Michael Scott: Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday.
Andy Bernard: And the Christmas party.
Michael Scott: And Cinco de Mayo.
Andy Bernard: Nah, no. We'll be back before that.
Michael Scott: No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus.
Jim Halpert: Hey, guys, has anybody seen the baby?
Phyllis Vance: Here's her carrier, but no Cece.
Jim's Dad: Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where's the little girl of honor?
Jim Halpert: I don't know, dad. I don't know.
Doug: I don't mean to bug, but do you know when those subs are due into port? I got a hungry bunch of Mcphersons over there.
Jim Halpert: I don't know. Hey, have you seen my baby?
Doug: I think maybe some blonde lady had her.
Jim Halpert: A small blonde woman?
Jim Halpert: Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small-(pointing to Angela) Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby!
Angela Martin: (as Kevin runs to grab her) What are you doing?
Kevin Malone: (reaching into her purse) Give me the baby!
Angela Martin: What? Kevin!
Helene: (holding the baby, walks up to Jim) Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby.
Jim Halpert: (baby voice) Hi.
Pam Beesly: (walks up) Honey.
Jim Halpert: (to Cece) Hi. (to everyone) All right. Travel safe, Angela.
Angela Martin: Did you think I stole your baby?
Jim Halpert: What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don't, because I've got my eye on you.
Kevin Malone: (gasping as he looks into Angela's purse) Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby?
Angela Martin: Someone put them in my bag.
Doug: (to Pam) So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let's haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly's.
Pam Beesly: Did you lose Cece?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did.
Michael Scott: Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something?
Andy Bernard: I can make myself cry.
Michael Scott: Do that. Do it.
Andy Bernard: Should I-I got it. I got it. (walks up to the bus driver) Um, hey, I saw a sign for a scenic overlook coming up. Really love to check out the view.
Bus driver: Can't stop. We're on a schedule.
Andy Bernard: Well, uh, there's a nice bistro coming up. We could pick up some Paninis for the road.
Bus driver: Maybe we'll stop in Tennesseee. It's not safe to talk to a driver.
Michael Scott: (having walked up to the front) Okay, driver, driver, if you're not gonna stop this bus, then I'm going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. (pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound)
Bus driver: Stopping in Tennessee.
Guy: Hey, is there a problem, you guys?
Michael Scott: Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please.
Andy Bernard: Just make him stop the freaking bus!
Michael Scott: Stop the bus, okay?
Carla: Are you okay, sir?
Michael Scott: I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take.
Girl: You have plenty left to give. You're doing-
Michael Scott: Blah-di-blah!
Andy Bernard: It doesn't matter.
Michael Scott: We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything.
Andy Bernard: If we went to Mexico, we'd probably screw everything up anyway.
Michael Scott: Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay?
Andy Bernard: Stop the bus!
Michael & Andy: (shouting and clapping) Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
Guy: Okay, stop the dang bus.
Michael Scott: (bus stopping) Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you.
Another guy: (getting off the bus) Wait for me! (bus drives away) Don't say anything to my parents.
Erin Hannon: Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?
Michael Scott: Is anyone still at the church?
Erin Hannon: No, actually most of them went to go see a movie.
Michael Scott: What? Shut up.
Erin Hannon: Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan.
Michael Scott: It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.
Erin Hannon: I bet. You guys.
Guy: Can I come? (silence)
Erin Hannon: Oh, Lake Wobblegone's on. Do you guys-are you cool with that?
Radio: "... banana bread, but Fred Nordquist had no appetite. He was thinking about his pair of new boots. It'd been ten years after all. As he told Mrs. Nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots."
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 7 season 7. Christening is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.