Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Viewing Party

Vol. 7 · Issue 8Scranton, PA

Michael struggles with not being the center of attention during Gabe’s Glee party while Dwight proves to be the ultimate baby whisperer. Every line from the episode is laid out here, so you can catch all the drama of the Scranton Strangler chase and Andy's unfortunate encounter with powdered seahorse. It's a full breakdown of the script for anyone who needs to settle a debate about Michael’s favorite pizza toppings or his latest "that’s what she said" moments.

Scene 01

9 lines
Erin Hannon
(to Gabe) They caught the Scranton Stranger, they trapped him in his house. (run to conference room, everyone is watching the news on a monitor)
Reporter
Police have now surrounded the apartment complex.
Michael Scott
(whispering to Pam) They have him surrounded. It's the SWAT. The SWAT's arriving.
Reporter
It is unknown if he is armed with anything.
Kevin Malone
They should do that thing where they play the really good music to get him to come out.
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) They shouldn't televise any of this, it just encourages copy-cats.
Angela Martin
Just say copies, why do you have to drag cats into this.
Gabe Lewis
Okay, while this is interesting we should get back to work. These stand-offs can last a long time. What if it's another Waco.
Erin Hannon
It's pronounced wacko.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Some events are so news worthy, so historic, that you have to stop everything to watch. Balloon Boy, Michael Jackson's funeral. Things that if you didn't see them live, you wouldn't really care that you didn't see them at all.

Scene 03

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Columbia Street in Washington Ave! When is he gonna come out? (phone rings, Kelly answers and hangs up)
Andy Bernard
I bet he's wishing he had a hybrid, right? Sixty miles to the gallon in the city.
Kevin Malone
No! I bet he's wishing he was strangling someone!
Michael Scott
Ok, that's our street! That's our street! He's going down our street! (runs out of conference room.) Come on everybody! (all quickly follow)

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
(on sidewalk) There it is! I saw it! I saw it! He went right by! You missed it! (all groan)

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
(collecting pebbles off the street into a jar) Grandpa, where were you the day the the Scranton Strangler was caught? (old man voice) Well kiddo, I was there. I was there... And I'll tell you what. (shakes jar of pebbles) You go sell these and buy yourself a nice spaceship.

Scene 06

17 lines
Erin Hannon
Michael!
Michael Scott
Walk with me.
Erin Hannon
Gabe and I are having a party, and everyone's invited, and it's at his house apartment and we're gonna watch Glee.
Michael Scott
(obviously faking being serious the whole time) Glee? What is Glee, some television program? Jim I need that thing stat!
Jim Halpert
(confused) Okay?
Erin Hannon
Yeah it's a TV show...
Michael Scott
Dwight! Sign please. I don't have time for parties I don't have time for TV shows. Stanley! What time is that thing I have to do?
Stanley Hudson
I...
Michael Scott
Cancel it! Are you still here? (to Erin)
Erin Hannon
Uhh. It's just that it's our first party together so...
Michael Scott
MMM MMM MM MM MM! Did you hear what I said? I'm a very busy man. I don't have time for your TV show.
Erin Hannon
(sad) Okay, sorry.
Michael Scott
I'm joking.
Erin Hannon
Wait which one?
Michael Scott
I'm joking. I'm kidding around! I'm not actually angry. (Erin laughs) I'm not busy at all, I'm not doing anything. And I know what Glee is, I'm a total Gleek.
Erin Hannon
Good me too!
Michael Scott
You know who my favorite character is? The invalid. (Jim makes a face) I am coming to your party.

Scene 07

1 line
Erin Hannon
I don't know if Michael likes Gabe that much, but there's this thing on Glee called mash-up, where two things that don't go together, make one great song. Take Gabe, take Michael, you make Gay Mike. Best friends.

Scene 08

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(reacting to Erin's invitation) No really? Is there time to change this?! That show! Now first they say that Mr. Schu doesn't know anything about choreography, then like three episodes later he's this fantastic choreographer?! Pick a lane people!

Scene 09

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
And what was with Jesse's sudden turn on Rachel, between Dream-On and Funk. Where the heck did that come from?! Honestly that show, it's just. It's irresponsible.

Scene 10

4 lines
Angela Martin
Are you going? (to Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now that's a show I'd watch.
Angela Martin
I would watch that.
Dwight Schrute
Tonight might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse.

Scene 11

8 lines
Andy Bernard
(to Erin) You're having a party at Gabe's apartment?
Erin Hannon
Mhmm! I'd love it if you were there.
Andy Bernard
You would?
Erin Hannon
You and Michael are always the life of the party!
Andy Bernard
Try and keep me from coming!
Erin Hannon
Why would I keep you from coming?
Andy Bernard
Try and hide it, I will track this party down!
Erin Hannon
Why would I hide it! (giggling)

Scene 12

9 lines
Michael Scott
Kevin!
Kevin Malone
Hey, you going tonight?
Michael Scott
Yes, I am. Are you?
Kevin Malone
Yeah! You gotta go to the boss's party!
Michael Scott
What? No Gabe is... Gabe is not the boss.
Kevin Malone
No he's not the boss.
Michael Scott
Why did you just say he was the boss?
Kevin Malone
'Cause, you're the boss!
Michael Scott
Yeeee... Guys! Do you consider Gabe to be the boss?

Scene 13

6 lines
Erin Hannon
(to Michael at Gabe's apartment) It's make your own pizza night. Isn't Gabe's place so nice?
Michael Scott
Uh huh...
Erin Hannon
Look at the size of those wine glasses Michael!
Michael Scott
Big...
Erin Hannon
Those posters used to be real French ads.
Michael Scott
All right!

Scene 14

2 lines
Gabe Lewis
So these are your cheeses, your ham, your sausages, your herbs, and your vegetables. Here's what's been done, so start creating. Some times it helps to think of a part of the world, and...
Michael Scott
(interrupting) Okay okay okay.

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
Gabe likes to entertain a lot, ad he cooks in an oven, and all that jazz. I just have a different life style. They have these bags of vegetables that steam right inside their own bag. So I'll get a few ingredients, sit down in front of the TV, a bag of vegetables, before you know it I'm ready for bed!

Scene 16

3 lines
Michael Scott
(tossing pizza dough in the air)
Gabe Lewis
You don't really toss the dough.
Michael Scott
Try and destroy the old ways, Gabe, well I will not let you. (throws pizza dough, hits the ceiling)

Scene 17

6 lines
Gabe Lewis
(walking with Jim and Pam) Welcome to my Man Cave! I did my senior year in prog in Japan. Best year of my life.
Jim Halpert
You play? (referring to keyboard)
Gabe Lewis
Oh! I like to play soundscapes. I imagine one instant of a song, expanded to be the size of the universe.
Jim Halpert
You can't even do that.
Cece
(crying)
Pam Beesly
She's up! Great!

Scene 18

1 line
Pam Beesly
Cece, is reverse cycling, which means she sleeps all day and is up all night. Which basically means I'm up all day and I'm up all night. And if it doesn't stop soon, I am going to be up all night.

Scene 19

16 lines
Erin Hannon
(peeking into various rooms) The show's starting. The show's starting! The show's starting! Show's starting! (Glee begins as all get nearby to watch)
Phyllis Vance
(to Kelly) Who's that?
Kelly Kapoor
Finn.
Phyllis Vance
Who's that?
Kelly Kapoor
Rachel.
Phyllis Vance
Which one's Glee?
Kelly Kapoor
You have to stop.
Michael Scott
Where's Michael? Where's Michael? We can't start without Michael! Oh here he is! Ohhhh. Yayyy, and let the show begin! (turning up volume)
Gabe Lewis
(takes remote) It's a little loud...
Michael Scott
Actually I think it's not loud enough. May I? Thank you sah! (takes remote, raises volume) There we go. Glee right? Rock and roll! Turn it up to elevaan! Spinal Cord!
Gabe Lewis
(lowers volum) Some of us are trying to have a conversation.
Michael Scott
Well some of us are trying to have a...
Gabe Lewis
I'll just turn the captions on.
Michael Scott
(grabs different remote from the table) Well I will turn up the volume.
Gabe Lewis
That's for the other box.
Michael Scott
Okay... Heeeere's what we're gonna do! Right down the hall is a bed room. All the real Glee fans are gonna go down the hall to the real Glee party in the bedroom, follow me! Where we can crank it!

Scene 20

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
(noise on TV, Oscar pauses show) That one! She's been in a couple episodes of Friday Night...
Kelly Kapoor
You know what? I'm so confused. Is this a Glee watching party? Or a Glee pausing party? 'Cause we keep stopping it, to get a history lesson from...
Oscar Martinez
You know what? I didn't read the rules, I didn't know the rules. There, it's on. I didn't read the rule book.

Scene 21

3 lines
Pam Beesly
(enters on Michael alone sitting on a bed watching Glee) Michael? Maybe you should try gong in the other room again. You can have my seat. It's closer to the TV. It'll seem louder.
Michael Scott
Pam I have a loaded gun in my desk at work. If I ever start acting like that weenie Gabe I want you to take that gun, and I want you to shoot me like a hundred times in the groin until I'm dead. Okay?
Pam Beesly
You have a gun in your desk?

Scene 22

4 lines
Ryan Howard
(in Gabe's bedroom with Andy) Hey! Marantz Tubes Sterio. From the 1970's. I respect that. I respect that a lot. Oh hoho. The five Chinese Berilidy Herbs. No kidding. This is powdered seahorse. They say that fifteen Chinese soldiers fought off the entire army of Gangus Kong just using this stuff. You know what they say...
Andy Bernard
No what?
Ryan Howard
What is this, Samurai wood cuts? Yep. Pretty erotic.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.

Scene 23

4 lines
Michael Scott
(Pam in the background struggling with Cece) Better men than Gabe have tried to be my boss. David got fired. Charles got fired. Jan went crazy. Ed Truck, who I liked, got decapitated.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, I find it absolutely disgraceful that no one followed you in here for your walk-out. I took the liberty of making a list of everyone who didn't follow you in here. Jim. Oscar. Creed. Me, at first.
Pam Beesly
Maybe I should go.
Dwight Schrute
(continuing) Kelly. Kev- (to Pam) Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to? (Dwight grabs Cece and makes noises, Cece stops crying) In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.

Scene 24

8 lines
Darryl Philbin
(to Andy) Take a shot.
Andy Bernard
Oh thanks.
Darryl Philbin
Wow, so much Asia stuff. I wonder if there's a guy in China right now, looking at a bunch of our stuff.
Andy Bernard
Why does Erin like Gabe?
Darryl Philbin
Andy look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters... I'd choose you.
Andy Bernard
That's really nice, thank you.
Darryl Philbin
And I'd blow your mind.
Andy Bernard
(pours powdered seahorse into his wine glass)

Scene 25

16 lines
Jim Halpert
(changes channel during commercial, sports scores appear on screen.)
Oscar Martinez
Jim what are you doing?
Jim Halpert
Oh, it was commercial break so I just wanted to check the scores.
Oscar Martinez
Flip it back please.
Jim Halpert
Okay... (changes back to Glee)
Kelly Kapoor
The show's back on, what happened?
Ryan Howard
We're behind.
Oscar Martinez
Go to the recorded version.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God what song was that?
Erin Hannon
I wasn't recording it.
Oscar Martinez
What?!
Kelly Kapoor
(texting) What song was it?
Erin Hannon
Wait, why do you have to record it?
Oscar Martinez
This is why Erin! We're living it! Start recording now!
Erin Hannon
Jim. (Jim gives her the remote)
Kelly Kapoor
Okay, they did Blinded by the Light and they did it with an actual blind guy. Was it worth it Jim? (Jim leaves) 'Cause we missed it!

Scene 26

7 lines
Pam Beesly
If I could get her sleeping normally I could get my life back.
Dwight Schrute
That would be nice wouldn't it?
Pam Beesly
I can't even talk about it.
Dwight Schrute
You know it's not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suit, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do rally, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suit in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours.
Pam Beesly
I kind of doubt Gabe has suit.
Dwight Schrute
Really? Oh... Then here we are.
Erin Hannon
Michael. Gabe is making the pigs in a blanket, and he kind of needs some (Dwight shushes her) help so, (Erin whispering) he was wondering if you could help him. (Michael goes with Erin)

Scene 27

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(enters room where Phyllis is pouring wine, using stadium announcer voice) Ladies and gentlemen please welcome, Phyllis Vance! (sniffs her) Isn't that White Diamonds Maya Smith Taylor?
Phyllis Vance
You know your perfumes!
Andy Bernard
My nanny used to wear that.

Scene 28

1 line
Andy Bernard
I just ate powdered seahorse! I have to admit I did not think it was gonna work, but it is totally working! (clip of him doing pull ups in Gabe's doorway) I feel exactly like a seahorse! (Seahorse impression) Blub blub blub blub blub blub blub blub.

Scene 29

15 lines
Erin Hannon
Look who I found! (points to Michael)
Michael Scott
Yeah, well I wasn't very hard to find.
Gabe Lewis
Let's go ahead and wash our hands.
Michael Scott
Is this the same dough you used for the pizza crust?
Gabe Lewis
Yep! Waste not right?
Michael Scott
So these are pizza dogs, they aren't pigs in a blanket per se.
Erin Hannon
Michael knows everything there is to know about snacks,
Michael Scott
Well...
Erin Hannon
Gabe was born in 1982. He was the longest baby in the hospital.
Michael Scott
He's the longest baby in this room.
Erin Hannon
What's the longest thing you've ever seen? (Michael chuckles) For me it was the tale from Jets.
Gabe Lewis
Erin you don't have to...
Michael Scott
You know what Erin you do have to.
Gabe Lewis
Michael! You are making this harder than it has to be.
Michael Scott
(grimacing) That's what she said. (leaves)

Scene 30

18 lines
Jim Halpert
(whispering) Hey.
Pam Beesly
It's a miracle. She loves him.
Jim Halpert
I don't know about, love...
Dwight Schrute
She loves me.
Angela Martin
(whispers in Dwight's ear) Outside my car in two minutes.
Dwight Schrute
Well something's come up, I have to go.
Pam Beesly
No no no no no! She'll wake up!
Dwight Schrute
I have something to do.
Pam Beesly
Look, I know what you have to do, please stay with Cece. Dwight? I've always considered for us to be very good friends. Great friends! Remember your concussion?
Dwight Schrute
I do. But you married my worst enemy.
Jim Halpert
Well I think enemy's a strong word. 'Cause I think we have a really charming back and forth. And-
Dwight Schrute
Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.
Pam Beesly
Absolutely! (starts out)
Dwight Schrute
From Jim.
Jim Halpert
I don't think that's gonna...
Pam Beesly
Do it!
Jim Halpert
What kind of pizza would you like?
Dwight Schrute
Surprise me. No! Pepperoni.

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
(outside opening Gabe's cable hookup box) Okay... Alright.

Scene 32

2 lines
TV
And the winner is, by two votes- (TV goes blank)
Kelly Kapoor
Ahhh! What's going on?!?!

Scene 33

11 lines
Andy Bernard
(muttering going on all around, Andy looks sick) Hey Creed, would you read Chinese?
Creed Bratton
Beleniege!
Andy Bernard
What does this say?
Creed Bratton
HI mahhhh. Boo yowww. Gunjo! Ooh uncow!
Andy Bernard
(confused, rushes out of the room to the room Erin's in, picks up phone, talking fast) Hello UPS! Still waiting on that five minutes with Erin order. Oh never mind it's here. Oh if it isn't the bell of the ball! (queasily) You throw a lovely party ma lady...
Erin Hannon
(concerned) Are you having a good time?
Andy Bernard
Did you wear my favorite outfit on purpose?
Erin Hannon
Andy you look awful!
Andy Bernard
You're four seasons in a day. (heaves) You... got the Autumn thing going on. But if you put on ba- (heaves again) Put if you put on a blue... (stops, is struggling) It's Spring Time in the Rockies!
Erin Hannon
Are you alright?
Andy Bernard
No! (runs off)

Scene 34

23 lines
Dwight Schrute
(referring to the pizza Jim is offering him) Insert it in my mouth.
Jim Halpert
That's not gonna make your pizza eating experience any better. Trust me.
Dwight Schrute
No, try me.
Pam Beesly
Jim, just don't think of it as degrading. Think of it as, you happen to be moving the six inches his way and he happens to be biting it.
Dwight Schrute
I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading.
Jim Halpert
Okay... (puts pizza into Dwight's mouth)
Dwight Schrute
No. Crust first. (Jim turns the pizza around) Okay, now the beer. (Jim shakes his head no) Beer me Jim. (Jim quickly puts the beer into his face) Ssss. Gentle. (drinks the beer) Now I've gotta go meet Angela.
Pam Beesly
What no, wait! You said you were gonna help us!
Dwight Schrute
I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay, she needs to be serviced.
Jim Halpert
You need to stop talking.
Dwight Schrute
Oh come on, stop the fake prissy act. We're in the real world. Sex contracts exist!
Pam Beesly
Okay fine! There must be some way to get out of it. Even just for tonight!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah sure, Jim could go see her.
Jim Halpert
(unbelievingly) Okay...
Dwight Schrute
You ever been with the blondes before? It's the big leagues.
Jim Halpert
I'm going home, and I'm taking my baby with me.
Pam Beesly
No no no, don't. I will go talk to Angela.
Dwight Schrute
She's in heat. She will eat your face off!
Pam Beesly
The reverse cycling ends tonight! (Pam leaves)
Dwight Schrute
(to Jim) A single piece of pepperoni please.
Jim Halpert
I'm not gonna- (cuts himself off, Kevin walks in)
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing?
Kevin Malone
(getting under the bed covers) I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket!

Scene 35

8 lines
Andy Bernard
(throws up on bed) Puts pillow in front of the puke.
Phyllis Vance
Are you alright?
Andy Bernard
Erin likes Gabe.
Phyllis Vance
I know. I thought you two were nice together.
Andy Bernard
Do you think that they've ever...
Phyllis Vance
Made love? I don't know.
Andy Bernard
Well girls tell each other things right?
Phyllis Vance
I'll see what I can find out.

Scene 36

14 lines
Darryl Philbin
(Michael walks into disarray of people's reactions to the TV going out) Where you been?
Michael Scott
I just went out for a walk.
Darryl Philbin
Cable's out.
Michael Scott
What? Really? That stinks!
Gabe Lewis
It's still on upstairs.
Michael Scott
What does that mean? Party's over? Everybody leaves? Are you sure?
Creed Bratton
(receiving message on his phone) Hey! Puck and Finn worked it out, and the solo is now a duet.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me?
Creed Bratton
No.
Michael Scott
Now that's going on?
Kevin Malone
I can't believe we're missing that!
Michael Scott
Boy I wish I could see that. You know what? I have an idea. I don't know if it's gonna work, but let me give it this. Okay, I'm gonna give it shot. (hurries out)
Kevin Malone
Please Michael, just make the Glee happen!
Kelly Kapoor
Good luck Michael!

Scene 37

7 lines
Phyllis Vance
Erin! Uhm, so how long have you two been going out now?
Erin Hannon
Oh, uhm, like three months.
Phyllis Vance
And I imagine things are starting to heat up?
Erin Hannon
I don't know.
Phyllis Vance
Of course you don't wanna rush things! I mean the anticipation can be so exquisite. Bob and I took our time. The first time we saw each other naked we didn't even make love, we just stared at each other until we fell asleep. It was magical.
Erin Hannon
(awkwardly) I have to go Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
Magical...

Scene 38

10 lines
Pam Beesly
(knocking on Angela's car window, Angela is naked inside) Hey in there. It's Pam. It's not Dwight! Don't think it's Dwight!
Angela Martin
What are you doing here?
Pam Beesly
I know you and Dwight have this weird deal, uhm, he sent me out here to see if you could postpone.
Angela Martin
Are you authorized to do this?
Pam Beesly
Yes! I have been so authorized.
Angela Martin
Ok, uhm, then tell him that we'll do this tomorrow night instead.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Angela Martin
Wait Pam! How did he seem? Like, you know, did he seem disappointed?
Pam Beesly
You know, there are a lot of guys out there who would just love and appreciate a-
Angela Martin
You know what Pam just save it.

Scene 39

19 lines
Erin Hannon
(Michael is outside fixing the cable box) You did this?
Michael Scott
No I was just check- Yeah. Yes I did, yeah yeah.
Erin Hannon
Why don't you like him?
Michael Scott
What is there to like? He's just, he's a weird little skeevy guy with no waist, why do you care whether we like him or not?
Erin Hannon
I care if you like him.
Michael Scott
Why? I'm not your father. (Erin looks sad) All right.
Erin Hannon
Okay...
Michael Scott
Go to your room.
Erin Hannon
What? (confused)
Michael Scott
Go to your room young lady!
Erin Hannon
(slowly getting it) Uhm, I'm not going to my room.
Michael Scott
You listen to me. You listen good. You are are not, to see that boy, anymore.
Erin Hannon
You listen to me. You are not to tell me what to do.
Michael Scott
As long as you are living under this roof you are going to do what I say.
Erin Hannon
I hate your roof!
Michael Scott
Oh do not raise your voice to me!
Erin Hannon
I'll raise it how I want! I'll raise the roof!
Michael Scott
Gahh, I will pull this car over!
Erin Hannon
I hate it! I hate your car!

Scene 40

2 lines
Gabe Lewis
See ya Oscar! (Oscar leaves)
Michael Scott
(enters, looks to Gabe) If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart I will literally kill you and your entire family.

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
Gabe, just go and have fun with Erin. But not too much fun! That girl's gonna turn my hair gray.

Scene 42

6 lines
Gabe Lewis
(Andy is leaning over toilet) What happened?
Andy Bernard
I accidentally ate some seahorses.
Gabe Lewis
How much?
Andy Bernard
I didn't know it's powdered, so like four or five, I don't know.
Gabe Lewis
I've got just the thing! (leaves, comes back with a synthesizer) This one's called Earth Rise, on the Moon. (music plays)
Andy Bernard
That's so beautiful.