Every line from The Office episode "WUPHF.com", season 7 episode 9.
Dwight Schrute: (lights and power go off) Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. (Turns On Flashlight and holds it to his face) Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Michael Scott: (as the power and lights come back on) My Bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet.
Jim Halpert: Uh, it's saying the server went down? Does Anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise we can't do any work.
Michael Scott: Uh... try "password".
Dwight Schrute: Try zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, zero.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, now try Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, one.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I'm not doing every number.
Pam Beesly: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?
Michael Scott: Uh... it was like eight years ago?
Pam Beesly: Lord of the Ring stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time.
Erin Hannon: Um, everyone was getting their driver's license.
Jim Halpert: Why don't we just call the I.T. Guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in Glasses, again?
Michael Scott: Okay, moving backwards, our I.T. Guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Ear Hair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge, and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.
Andy Bernard: I got it, try, um--(Coughs)
Michael Scott: You know what? It made me laugh when I heard it, but Pam got really offended.
Pam Beesly: You're typing "Big Boobs"?
Jim Halpert: I'm trying everything.
Dwight Schrute: Try "Big Boobs" with a "Z".
Jim Halpert: That's-- (ding) the password. We're in.
Dwight Schrute: All Right
Michael Scott: The important thing is... this kept us secure people.
Ryan Howard: Hey, I'm WUPHF.
Michael Scott: (wearing Ryan's glasses) I'm Facebook.
Ryan Howard: What's up Facebook?
Michael Scott: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back.
Ryan Howard: You should've sent me a WUPHF.
Ryan Howard: (pulls out Blackberry) When you send a WUPHF, it goes to your home phone, Email, Facebook, Twitter and homescreen. All at the same time. (phone rings, computer chimes, printer starts up)
Ryan Howard: (getting copies from the color copier behind the receptionist desk) Thanks Erin.
Erin Hannon: I don't wanna be a lousy snitch.
Erin Hannon: Ryan has been using the color printer for his business a lot, and as Office Administrator--
Pam Beesly: Oh, it's okay.
Erin Hannon: But it's not for--
Michael Scott: I think an investor's ski trip is the best idea. It will be a bonding experience.
Michael Scott: I was looking at a trail map, and I was thinking that we should start on a bunny hill, because I've never actually been skiing. And then work our way up to death drop.
Ryan Howard: Great, so we got our first offer to buy the company.
Michael Scott: Your kidding?!
Ryan Howard: We could sell, but why think so small? We can just get a couple more people involved, really do this thing our way.
Michael Scott: You and me.
Ryan Howard: New Investors are key, though. That's actually why I came in today.
Michael Scott: Don't you work here full-time?
Ryan Howard: (chuckles) Today, I was thinking I would sit down with a few of the people who haven't invested yet.
Ryan Howard: Or we could do that together, if that sounds fun to you.
Michael Scott: That does sound fun to me.
Dwight Schrute: (out in the parking lot with a guy unloading hay bales while Dwight sifts through the hay) Ah, this is good hay. Yeah. This is the good stuff, mattress quality.
Dwight Schrute: Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it "Hay Place". Eldred Called it "Hay World". Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on! (guy comes and sticks a Bale of Hay right behing Dwight and knocks it into Dwight) Watch it, watch it.
Dwight Schrute: Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.
Guy: Don't forget to make a broom.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!
Angela Martin: Hey, I'm kind of in the mood for a roll in the hay.
Dwight Schrute: Roll in the hay, five dollars.
Angela Martin: No, I meant... (motions you and me)
Dwight Schrute: Oh, our contract.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot. (looks at his watch) Uh... I've got a half an hour during lunch in-between the historical reenactment of the dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil.
Dwight Schrute: So, uh... (notices a kid walking on a bale of hay) Excuse me, get off of there! Those are show bales, not play bales.
Kevin Malone: Commission comes out to... dunh-duh-na-dah! Zero.
Jim Halpert: Mm-Kay, Well, it can't be zero, Kev.
Kevin Malone: I entered the sale, and I hit enter, and I said, "dunh-duh-na-dah!" I'm pretty sure I timesed it right.
Angela Martin: You met your commission cap last week. So from here until the end of the fiscal year, your commission will be zero.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about? We--we have a commission cap?
Angela Martin: It's a new corporate policy.
Kevin Malone: Dunh-duh-na-dah!
Gabe Lewis: Is this job really about the money for you, Jim? I mean, isn't this where you fell in love?
Jim Halpert: A commission cap takes away my incentive to sell. So you realize I now have no reason to work, right?
Gabe Lewis: When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room. Okay, seeing these old guys walking around naked feels almost passive-aggressive. But I deal with it. 'Cause it's policy. See what I mean?
Gabe Lewis: Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
Gabe Lewis: My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it, and I just--(put's his hands cupped by his face and turns away) keep a low--you know, I look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.
Michael Scott: Excuse me, everyone... SEX! Now that I have your attention...
Stanley Hudson: You don't have our attention.
Stanley Hudson: I'm listening.
Kevin Malone: You had me at "Sex."
Phyllis Vance: You have all of our attention just by screaming anything.
Michael Scott: That's good to know. (screams)
Pam Beesly: What do you want to say, Michael?
Michael Scott: Wuphf! All right, I've warmed them up for you. You have the floor, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: How's everybody doing?!
Ryan Howard: Good! Now, a lot of you have already staked out your corner of the WUPHF empire. Raise your hand if I'm describing you. (Michael, Pam, Daryl, and Stanley raise their hands)
Ryan Howard: For my current investors, things are going great.
Michael Scott: We already have a buyer.
Pam Beesly: Really?! Who?!
Ryan Howard: Washington University. I don't even want to think about selling until our numbers get into the billions.
Ryan Howard: So I've decided to open up a second round of investment to friends and family.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, God. Hold on to your wallets, ladies.
Oscar Martinez: Did you ever think of WUPHF as an emergency notification system, like, for college campuses with shooters or gas leaks?
Ryan Howard: No, no--Oscar, it's not--it's not a digital rape whistle. WUPHF is about fun.
Michael Scott: That's right!
Ryan Howard: Fun, communication, connection.
Oscar Martinez: What's your money situation?
Ryan Howard: Well, it's tight, as with any start-up.
Oscar Martinez: Sure, how long can you sustain this without a cash infusion?
Ryan Howard: We have nine solid days. I love these questions. Keep 'em coming.
Andy Bernard: I'm sorry, nine days until what?
Oscar Martinez: Bankruptcy?
Michael Scott: Wait, Ryan, so this could be over by the weekend?
Oscar Martinez: How long do you think a week is?
Michael Scott: No, not this weekend; next weekend. We were gonna go on the investors ski trip. I bought poles.
Jim Halpert: Pam. Okay, now I've tried everything.
Pam Beesly: Did you prank Dwight?
Pam Beesly: Well, you like that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, it's not as fun if I'm not blowing off work.
Pam Beesly: I love you, but I'm kinda busy. So I need you to figure this one out on your own.
Jim Halpert: (blows a raspberry, Erin looks shocked, Kevin chuckles)
Pam Beesly: Oscar said WUPHF only has enough money for nine days.
Ryan Howard: (colorful poster with numbers) Check this out.
Erin Hannon: All that color.
Michael Scott: Look at that. Triple your investment by January.
Andy Bernard: Anyone can just throw numbes up on a chart. What are you doing to make it happen?
Ryan Howard: Well, earlier today, I was emailing someone by the name of John Legend.
Michael Scott: There you go.
Andy Bernard: You have his email?
Ryan Howard: A lot of these guys are just Mac.com, @ their website, whatever. We get that guy WUPHFing, it's all over.
Stanley Hudson: I want my money back.
Michael Scott: Do not talk like that, Stanley.
Pam Beesly: Ryan, just tell us your plan.
Ryan Howard: Okay, all right. I know what you wanna see. I'll be right back.
Dwight Schrute: (hits the back of a Dunder-Mifflin Delivery Truck with his hand) Hey kids, was that fun?
Dwight Schrute: All Right!
Kid: I wanna go on it again.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks. (kid gives him three more bucks)
Angela Martin: Where have you been?! I've been waiting.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, can we move this to the end of the day?
Angela Martin: No, I--I think you should make time for it.
Little Girl: I found the needle in the haystack!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, congratulations! Do you know what your prize is?
Little Girl: I don't know!
Dwight Schrute: Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.
Ryan Howard: WUPHF T-Shirts. Who wants one? Just imagine that you're at spring break, Daytona Beach.
Michael Scott: Here we go.
Ryan Howard: Everyone's like, "Hey Dude, whats up with all the hotties in the WUPHF shirts?" Or, Uh, "Hey, what's up with that helicopter? It's Ry from WUPHF!"
Michael Scott: "It's Ryan the WUPHF guy!"
Ryan Howard: "Yo, Ry from WUPHF!"
Michael Scott: "He's up there."
Ryan Howard: "What's he dropping?! Wow, what's falling on us, man?!" WUPHF condoms! 50,000 condoms out of the sky!
Michael Scott: Look at that! He threw 'em on the ground!
Darryl Philbin: Look, this is a marketing campgain. You got nine days. Let's say you do get the money. What are you going to do with it?
Ryan Howard: The first lesson of Silicon Valley, actually, is that you only think about the user, the experience. You actually don't think about the money. Ever.
Andy Bernard: That sounds weird.
Michael Scott: No, it's not weird, Andy, and you know what else? We have an offer from Washington University. So monetize that.
Kelly Kapoor: (walks in) Are you guys meeting about WUPHF? You know that that was my idea, right?
Kelly Kapoor: I said to Ryan, "I try to call you, and you don't have your phone. I try to I.M. You, and you're not online. I wish there was a way that I could do everything all at once, and I could just be like this little dog going, 'Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!'"
Ryan Howard: Baby, Baby, Baby--
Kelly Kapoor: I think I'm gonna stay here.
Ryan Howard: No, no, no, no, no.
Kelly Kapoor: I do, I do. This isn't right.
Ryan Howard: I help you with your things and you help me with my things.
Kelly Kapoor: But I--it's not right.
Ryan Howard: (whispering) I got this, it's okay. Don't worry about this.
Darryl Philbin: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan Howard: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Darryl Philbin: W.U.P.H.F.
Darryl Philbin: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan Howard: The domain name. Yeah, they do.
Pam Beesly: I move we sell!
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, sell!
Andy Bernard: Yeah, sell.
Stanley Hudson: Get us out of this!
Ryan Howard: Have some faith in this idea!
Darryl Philbin: If everybody wants to sell, we sell, right?
Michael Scott: I won't sell. And you know what? Ryan and I have the majority of shares. Isn't that right?
Ryan Howard: Yes. You alone do, actually.
Michael Scott: I--yes. We're not selling. I will not sell.
Man: Do you mind if we share this bale?
Man: There's no charge to sit on the hay, is there?
Man: I mean, wouldn't you think the ten dollars to build your own broom would include the hay and not just the instructions?
Man: I mean, I'm starting to think this guy is just trying to make money off the holiday.
Angela Martin: Yeah, instead of Hay Place, it should be pay place. (man laughs) Don't laugh at me.
Man: No, no, no, I wasn't--I was just laughing at your joke.
Angela Martin: Mm. Yeah, so we can celebrate Thanksgiving-Me-Your-Money Day. (both laugh)
Angela Martin: Thank You.
Kevin Malone: (stuck in the maze, says to some kids running around in the maze) You guys know how to get out? (kids run away screaming)
Michael Scott: Can't talk, saving the planet.
Pam Beesly: Oh, we don't recycle.
Michael Scott: We Don't? Well, why have I been separating the trash into whites and colors?
Pam Beesly: I'm sure no one asked you to do that.
Michael Scott: (throws the sack of garbage onto the floor) Eight Years.
Pam Beesly: Listen, I know you really like Ryan--
Michael Scott: No, I won't even consider it.
Pam Beesly: Michael, I... (sits down) I hate to say this, but... you know this special bond that you've always felt with Ryan, where, like, you're best friends or you're his mentor or something?
Michael Scott: Right, Yes, yeah. Best friend/mentor.
Pam Beesly: Michael, I think that feeling only goes one way. And I think that Ryan knows that, and he's taking advantage of you.
Michael Scott: I think you are wrong.
Pam Beesly: And there are a lot of other people in this office who have money at stake. Other people you care about.
Michael Scott: You may be right. I may be crazy.
Michael Scott: I'm just saying that I think I agree with your point.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, but in a jokey way where you're gonna start singing.
Michael Scott: I thought it might make me feel better.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Go Ahead.
Michael Scott: (singing) But it just may be a lunatic... (stops singing) No.
Jim Halpert: (hovering over Meredith's desk) Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.
Meridith: Hey, back off. It's Solitare.
Creed Bratton: Hey, kid--hear you're looking for work.
Creed Bratton: How far can you reach those Lovely long arms of yours? (Jim reaching his arms out as far as he can go) Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours? (Jim inhales) Good.
Gabe Lewis: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?
Creed Bratton: We're working. (Jim still holding his breath)
Gabe Lewis: Can you at least try to look busy? (Jim Exhales)
Jim Halpert: (listening to and editing Jo's book on tape)
Jo Bennett: "The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled her aside and said, "You're Too Fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat." The next time I saw David Geffen was at the buffalo club. "I love you, you Gay Bastard," I said. "You Gay Bastard," I s--. "Gay Ba--" "Gay B--""
Ryan Howard: Michael, how's it going, bro?
Michael Scott: Good, good, bro.
Ryan Howard: Hey, thanks so much for having my back out there.
Michael Scott: Always have your back. So, any ideas on how we can get over this nine-day hump here?
Ryan Howard: I have nothing but ideas. The thing is, they all require money.
Michael Scott: Nine days, though. That's, like...
Ryan Howard: Look, I know I've tapped you so hard.
Michael Scott: Yes, you have tapped this. Hard.
Ryan Howard: (laughs) Oh, you are funny, Michael. You--people, people don't give you enough credit.
Michael Scott: Maybe I could take a second mortgage on my condo.
Ryan Howard: Well, a lot of people are doing that. And there don't seem to be any consequences. And they say the rates have never been lower.
Michael Scott: So you would think that's a good idea for me to do?
Ryan Howard: Think about this. You and me on a private plane flown by our private pilot--
Ryan Howard: Eating our private meal cooked by our private chef.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, we never even have dinner now, so...
Ryan Howard: We totally should.
Ryan Howard: I gotta work on this.
Michael Scott: Oh right. What am I saying? Rain Check.
Ryan Howard: Yeah. (Michael closes the door)
Man: So, if I were to call Dunder Mifflin and ask for Miss Angela Martin, would I get through to you?
Angela Martin: You would. And if I were to call your house and ask for your wife, would I get through to you?
Man: My wife passed away a few years ago.
Angela Martin: How tragic. Very sorry to hear that.
Kevin Malone: (still stuck in maze) Help! Hello?! Oh! Help!(runs around the maze)
Darryl Philbin: (opens the door the Ryan's office, grabs him by the shirt, pulls him out of his chair) Consider it a WUPHF in person. (shoves Ryan down to a chair)
Andy Bernard: Your doing the wrong thing. You're gonna lose Michael's investment. You're gonna lose ours.
Darryl Philbin: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back. Tell Mike To Sell.
Andy Bernard: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan Howard: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley Hudson: It's a bad bet.
Ryan Howard: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they're wrong?
Darryl Philbin: It's not that we don't believe in the company, We don't believe in you.
Andy Bernard: All those in favor of selling, say aye. (all say "aye")
Michael Scott: I. Do not agree to sell, which is to say nay.
Darryl Philbin: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in High School?
Stanley Hudson: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael Scott: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. (all seem to be in agreenment) And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high. And he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy Bernard: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael Scott: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan Howard: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I--I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael Scott: You can't have it.
Ryan Howard: Okay. I won't let you down. (Ryan goes back into his office and shuts the door)
Michael Scott: The world sends people your way... Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. (camera pans to different people in the office) Jim, that guy is an ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my old maid. Oscar is my queen. That's easy. Gimme a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the instruction card you throw away. Pam's a solid seven. And yeah, you know what? Ryan is probably, like, a two. But sometimes twos can be wild. So watch out. And I am obviously the joker. So... (phone rings, computer chimes, etc.) That's Uh...
Robotic Voice: WUPHF, from Ryan Howard. Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.
Michael Scott: Thank God.
Jim Halpert: (puts his phone in his coffee mug and calls Gabe)
Jo Bennett: (Jim's edited version of her book on tape): Now listen here, Gabe, you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them.
Jo Bennett: Now, I love reading, and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One. I was born, not into luxary, nor poverty. (Gabe looks through Jo's book) But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My Father was a man. That's all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Stree and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my--
Jim Halpert: (opens door to Gabe's office) All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. (Gabe motions that he's on the phone) 'Cause I really think I made good use of my day, oh! Sorry.
Jo Bennett: I've always been a fighter. And Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard--
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 9 season 7. WUPHF.com is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.