Every line from The Office episode "The List", season 8 episode 1.
Andy Bernard: (drumroll with hands) I… it’s unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice’s first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, “I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer.” Smart, right?
Kelly Kapoor: (planking on top of cabinet) Very smart.
Andy Bernard: Uh, this has got to stop.
Kelly Kapoor: I can’t get down.
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah. Pregnant.
Pam Beesly: Right here. Little Michael Scott- (points to her belly)
Jim Halpert: No, I told you I don’t like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early.
Pam Beesly: Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.
Angela Martin: Look, it’s a ‘Little Pregs’ (points to her belly) and ‘Big Pregs’ (points to Pam’s)
Pam Beesly: Wait, when did we start calling it that-
Angela Martin: Isn’t it amazing, the difference in our sizes?
Pam Beesly: Well, I am a few months ahead of you.
Angela Martin: I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman.
Jim Halpert: No one should be planking at all.
Andy Bernard: Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?
Dwight Schrute: Say no more.
Jim Halpert: You watching that commercial again? (Pam nods) Why do you keep watching it, if you know it’s just gonna make you cry?
Pam Beesly: Because everything makes me cry, so what’s the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone.
Jim Halpert: He’s got a bank vault. That’s a start.
Pam Beesly: Not enough though.
Robert California: Hello.
Erin Hannon: Robert California. Let’s have a conversation.
Robert California: Describe your day so far.
Erin Hannon: Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-
Robert California: And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It’s a waste of your time. That’s how every day’s begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.
Erin Hannon: Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I’ve been doing this thing-
Andy Bernard: Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning.
Erin Hannon: Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. (motions her over, both looking at Robert’s notebook)
Pam Beesly: Jim. (motions him over)
Jim Halpert: (motions he is on the phone) Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. (comes over) Okay. (sees notebook with two lists of staff names) What is this?
Dwight Schrute: What are you looking at?
Jim Halpert: It’s, it’s nothing.
Dwight Schrute: It can’t be nothing.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, it can’t be nothing.
Jim Halpert: It’s just a list of our names, split into two columns.
Jim Halpert: Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen?
Jim Halpert: No. Okay. Um, I’ll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?
Dwight Schrute: (throws hard, Jim doesn’t catch) Nice catch.
Pam Beesly: If he comes out, distract him. (takes list to copier)
Kevin Malone: We need a warning signal.
Jim Halpert: We don’t need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there-
Jim Halpert: I promise you, we don’t need a warning-
Kevin Malone: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Phyllis Vance: Ahhh! (falls out of chair)
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?
Phyllis Vance: Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
Dwight Schrute: … 2, 3! (pulls Phyllis up)
Phyllis Vance: Thanks guys.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, which side of the list am I on?
Jim Halpert: Why are you- How do you know?
Andy Bernard: Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.
Jim Halpert: Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert’s notebook.
Pam Beesly: He left it at reception and we photocopied it.
Andy Bernard: Oh, okay. I don’t want any part of this.
Pam Beesly: Maybe it’s a list of people he’s gonna fire.
Jim Halpert: Okay, it’s not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.
Dwight Schrute: This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here’s something. Who would eat who in an ‘Alive’ situation. No... that can’t be it.
Andy Bernard: I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side’s the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam.
Jim Halpert: I don’t think it’s-
Dwight Schrute: Shhh, Pam. C’mon, don’t be such a right-sider.
Angela Martin: Did you guys figure it out?
Andy Bernard: We couldn’t crack it.
Stanley Hudson: Go in there and just ask the man what it means.
Andy Bernard: He’ll know that we looked at his private notebook.
Phyllis Vance: C’mon, just say you saw the list by accident.
Andy Bernard: I’m already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it’s starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, that’s all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day?
Robert California: (Andy continuously knocking on door) Yes, for god’s sake Andy. Yes, come in.
Andy Bernard: What’s up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Robert California: Great. Thank you.
Andy Bernard: And it was open. And people saw this. And they’re just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Robert California: What is this?
Andy Bernard: It’s a photocopy from your notebook.
Robert California: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Andy Bernard: No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Robert California: Ah, please. Here’s what it is. It’s a doodle.
Robert California: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don’t you think? Well, I doodle too, but I’m not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Andy Bernard: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Robert California: Might as well have been sketching a cube.
Andy Bernard: Okay. Robert’s in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?
Meredith Palmer: Maybe we’re s’posed to do it with people in our group.
Jim Halpert: That’s not it.
Meredith Palmer: People in the other group.
Jim Halpert: Mmum, still wrong.
Andy Bernard: Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?
Stanley Hudson: Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add ‘em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!
Andy Bernard: Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.
Kevin Malone: I know! It’s alphabetical.
Everyone: (separately) No.
Dwight Schrute: No, it’s not. Here’s how we find out. Let’s line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let’s just size each other up here and left side of the list… ATTACK!
Jim Halpert: Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! (Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling)
Kevin Malone: Warning! Warning! Warning!
Robert California: (enters room, everyone quiets and separates) I’d like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.
Dwight Schrute: That’s great. Let’s do this guys.
Jim Halpert: Alright, well, I will see you in a bit.
Pam Beesly: I love you so much. (starting to cry)
Jim Halpert: Hey. It’s nothing. Alright? I’ll text you when we get there. Let you know what’s going on.
Pam Beesly: Okay. (turns to computer)
Jim Halpert: Nope. No dog video.
Jim Halpert: Okay. See you guys.
Andy Bernard: Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!
Robert California: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Jim Halpert: Uhhh, the street?
Robert California: Sesame street.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I didn’t know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo.
Robert California: Elmo, god’s sake, it’s the Elmo era.
Robert California: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn’t you agree.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, she does like Elmo.
Oscar Martinez: Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.
Phyllis Vance: Completely.
Darryl Philbin: Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.
Kevin Malone: The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.
Toby Flenderson: I should not be here. I’m in the- I was in the wrong- I’m- I’m sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here.
Andy Bernard: Great group! Pizza party!
Kelly Kapoor: How is this a pizza party?
Andy Bernard: Well, why don’t you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, well, that’s just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.
Andy Bernard: Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?
Stanley Hudson: What’s that?
Andy Bernard: Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Stanley Hudson: That’s pizza.
Pam Beesly: That’s regular pizza.
Dwight Schrute: You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?
Robert California: I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.
Everyone: (separately) Awww.
Phyllis Vance: Well, what about the other guys.
Robert California: I don’t- I don’t wanna say-
Dwight Schrute: C’mon, c’mon.
Robert California: No, no.
Robert California: Ha, I guess I think they’re losers.
Dwight Schrute: Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!
Robert California: Probably shouldn’t have said that. (Jim’s jaw drops)
Andy Bernard: Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Pam Beesly: (Pam’s phone vibrates) Oh, text from Jim. “This is getting very weird. Will explain later.”
Pam Beesly: (Everyone’s phone vibrates) Oh, text from Kevin.
Meredith Palmer: “Suck it losers.”
Ryan Howard: Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn’t the fact that I’m in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!
Pam Beesly: I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, “Who’s that receptionist? I like her.” Now I’m just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you’re like, “Oh, loser.”
Andy Bernard: C’mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?
Kelly Kapoor: (door opens, others enter) Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?
Angela Martin: It was excellent.
Darryl Philbin: Good times.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it’s over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.
Andy Bernard: Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it’s really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let’s say top-tier and others would be second-tier.
Robert California: I never said that.
Andy Bernard: Thank you. Great.
Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you’re talking about?
Andy Bernard: Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I’m thinking of. Can you clarify that?
Robert California: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I’ll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you’re a winner. If I didn’t, I don’t. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.
Phyllis Vance: Whew, well. I guess that’s that.
Andy Bernard: No. No, no.
Erin Hannon: Andy, don’t go in there!
Andy Bernard: I’m going in there.
Andy Bernard: I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don’t know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I’m not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.
Robert California: I’m not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don’t use ballpoint pens.
Andy Bernard: Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley... you may think he’s a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he’s hard to love, but did you know that he’s in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?
Robert California: I did not know about the sales figures.
Andy Bernard: Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word “no” not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I’m being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, shut the door. This is just gross.
Andy Bernard: Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one.
Robert California: Are we done?
Andy Bernard: Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we’re gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.
Robert California: You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?
Robert California: And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.
Andy Bernard: I don’t care. (Robert smiles as Andy exits)
Andy Bernard: Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday.
Stanley Hudson: We get that every year.
Andy Bernard: Well, you got it this year too.
Phyllis Vance: Good night, Andy.
Oscar Martinez: Good night Andy.
Dwight Schrute: Good night.
Pam Beesly: Okay, I know I’ve been crying easily today, but- (shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, “Pam” and “Cece” on one side, “Everything else” on the other) I mean, that’s just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it’s stupid. No. (starts crying) It’s wonderful. I’m gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 8. The List is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.