Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The List

Vol. 8 · Issue 1Scranton, PA

Robert California is officially the CEO, and he's already shaking things up with a mysterious list that divides the office into winners and losers. You'll find every single line from this awkward season premiere right here, from Stanley's new catchphrase to Andy's big moment standing up for his team. Whether you're looking for Robert's intense metaphors or Jim's sweet note to Pam, all the dialogue is ready for you.

Scene 01

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Oh, for God’s sake. (notices Erin planking on parking lot curb)

Scene 02

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That’s it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet.

Scene 03

1 line
Erin Hannon
Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don’t.  And I don’t.  But I am so excited to be a part of it.

Scene 04

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(exiting elevator) After you my good sir.
Dwight Schrute
No, I insist.
Andy Bernard
I insist.

Scene 05

1 line
Jim Halpert
The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California… for the manager position. Who took one look around and left.  He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don’t really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.   And he chose…

Scene 06

4 lines
Andy Bernard
(drumroll with hands) I… it’s unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice’s first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, “I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer.” Smart, right?
Kelly Kapoor
(planking on top of cabinet] Very smart.
Andy Bernard
Uh, this has got to stop.
Kelly Kapoor
I can’t get down.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
K... Kevin! (Kevin planking on Dwight’s desk)

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I’ve got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I’ve added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I’m doin’ great.

Scene 09

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
K, I’m gonna need some help. Pam?
Pam Beesly
I don’t think I should.

Scene 10

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah. Pregnant.
Pam Beesly
Right here. Little Michael Scott- (points to her belly)
Jim Halpert
No, I told you I don’t like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early.
Pam Beesly
Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.

Scene 11

5 lines
Angela Martin
Look, it’s a ‘Little Pregs’ (points to her belly) and ‘Big Pregs’ (points to Pam’s)
Pam Beesly
Wait, when did we start calling it that-
Angela Martin
Isn’t it amazing, the difference in our sizes?
Pam Beesly
Well, I am a few months ahead of you.
Angela Martin
I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman.

Scene 12

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hoist him aloft. C’mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl. (trying to lift Kevin off desk)
Darryl Philbin
I’m lifting.

Scene 13

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin’ much better. This soda. This is mine.

Scene 14

1 line
Stanley Hudson
It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.

Scene 15

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I’m telling someone how to do somethin’. I go on with a long description and then I say, “and shove it up your butt.” It’s stupid, but it’s my thing now.

Scene 16

3 lines
Jim Halpert
No one should be planking at all.
Andy Bernard
Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?
Dwight Schrute
Say no more.

Scene 17

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(starts attacking plankers) Kids, don’t try planking. It’s dangerous. (knocks Toby off table) ‘Specially with me around.

Scene 18

4 lines
Jim Halpert
You watching that commercial again? (Pam nods) Why do you keep watching it, if you know it’s just gonna make you cry?
Pam Beesly
Because everything makes me cry, so what’s the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone.
Jim Halpert
He’s got a bank vault. That’s a start.
Pam Beesly
Not enough though.

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he’s gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it’s not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It’s strange.

Scene 20

8 lines
Erin Hannon
Here we go.
Robert California
Hello.
Erin Hannon
Robert California. Let’s have a conversation.
Robert California
Describe your day so far.
Erin Hannon
Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-
Robert California
And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It’s a waste of your time. That’s how every day’s begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.
Erin Hannon
Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I’ve been doing this thing-
Andy Bernard
Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning.

Scene 21

1 line
Andy Bernard
First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don’t know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

Scene 22

3 lines
Erin Hannon
Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. (motions her over, both looking at Robert’s notebook)
Pam Beesly
Jim. (motions him over)
Jim Halpert
(motions he is on the phone) Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. (comes over) Okay. (sees notebook with two lists of staff names) What is this?

Scene 23

3 lines
Andy Bernard
The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?
Robert California
What are your thoughts.
Andy Bernard
Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women’s soccer, no?

Scene 24

25 lines
Dwight Schrute
What are you looking at?
Jim Halpert
It’s, it’s nothing.
Dwight Schrute
It can’t be nothing.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, it can’t be nothing.
Jim Halpert
  It’s just a list of our names, split into two columns.
Stanley Hudson
What?
Jim Halpert
Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen?
Erin Hannon
No.
Jim Halpert
No. Okay. Um, I’ll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?
Dwight Schrute
(throws hard, Jim doesn’t catch) Nice catch.
Pam Beesly
If he comes out, distract him. (takes list to copier)
Kevin Malone
We need a warning signal.
Jim Halpert
We don’t need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there-
Kevin Malone
We do.
Jim Halpert
I promise you, we don’t need a warning-
Kevin Malone
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Phyllis Vance
Ahhh! (falls out of chair)
Dwight Schrute
Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
Dwight Schrute
… 2, 3! (pulls Phyllis up)
Phyllis Vance
Thanks guys.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, which side of the list am I on?
Jim Halpert
Left.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Jim Halpert
Why are you- How do you know?

Scene 25

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.
Jim Halpert
Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert’s notebook.
Pam Beesly
He left it at reception and we photocopied it.
Andy Bernard
Oh, okay. I don’t want any part of this.
Pam Beesly
Maybe it’s a list of people he’s gonna fire.
Jim Halpert
Okay, it’s not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.

Scene 26

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here’s something. Who would eat who in an ‘Alive’ situation. No... that can’t be it.
Andy Bernard
I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side’s the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam.
Jim Halpert
I don’t think it’s-
Pam Beesly
‘Scuse me?
Dwight Schrute
Shhh, Pam. C’mon, don’t be such a right-sider.

Scene 27

7 lines
Angela Martin
Did you guys figure it out?
Andy Bernard
We couldn’t crack it.
Stanley Hudson
Go in there and just ask the man what it means.
Andy Bernard
He’ll know that we looked at his private notebook.
Phyllis Vance
C’mon, just say you saw the list by accident.
Andy Bernard
I’m already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it’s starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, that’s all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day?

Scene 28

13 lines
Robert California
(Andy continuously knocking on door) Yes, for god’s sake Andy. Yes, come in.
Andy Bernard
What’s up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Robert California
Great. Thank you.
Andy Bernard
And it was open. And people saw this. And they’re just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Robert California
What is this?
Andy Bernard
It’s a photocopy from your notebook.
Robert California
You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Andy Bernard
No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Robert California
Ah, please. Here’s what it is. It’s a doodle.
Andy Bernard
What?
Robert California
Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don’t you think? Well, I doodle too, but I’m not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Andy Bernard
That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Robert California
Might as well have been sketching a cube.

Scene 29

25 lines
Andy Bernard
Okay. Robert’s in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?
Meredith Palmer
Maybe we’re s’posed to do it with people in our group.
Jim Halpert
That’s not it.
Meredith Palmer
People in the other group.
Jim Halpert
Mmum, still wrong.
Andy Bernard
Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?
Stanley Hudson
Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add ‘em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!
Andy Bernard
Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.
Kevin Malone
I know! It’s alphabetical.
Everyone
(separately) No.
Dwight Schrute
No, it’s not. Here’s how we find out. Let’s line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let’s just size each other up here and left side of the list… ATTACK!
Jim Halpert
Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! (Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling)
Andy Bernard
Dwight!
Meredith Palmer
Hey!
Kevin Malone
Warning! Warning! Warning!
Robert California
(enters room, everyone quiets and separates) I’d like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.
Dwight Schrute
That’s great. Let’s do this guys.
Jim Halpert
Alright, well, I will see you in a bit.
Pam Beesly
I love you so much. (starting to cry)
Jim Halpert
Hey. It’s nothing. Alright? I’ll text you when we get there. Let you know what’s going on.
Pam Beesly
Okay. (turns to computer)
Jim Halpert
Nope. No dog video.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Okay. See you guys.
Andy Bernard
Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!

Scene 30

13 lines
Robert California
Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Jim Halpert
Uhhh, the street?
Robert California
Sesame street.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I didn’t know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo.
Robert California
Elmo, god’s sake, it’s the Elmo era.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Robert California
Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn’t you agree.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, she does like Elmo.
Oscar Martinez
Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.
Phyllis Vance
Completely.
Darryl Philbin
Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.
Kevin Malone
The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.
Toby Flenderson
I should not be here. I’m in the- I was in the wrong- I’m- I’m sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here.

Scene 31

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Great group! Pizza party!
Kelly Kapoor
How is this a pizza party?
Andy Bernard
Well, why don’t you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, well, that’s just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.
Andy Bernard
Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?
Stanley Hudson
What’s that?
Andy Bernard
Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Stanley Hudson
That’s pizza.
Pam Beesly
That’s regular pizza.

Scene 32

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?
Robert California
I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.
Dwight Schrute
Okay!
Everyone
(separately) Awww.
Phyllis Vance
Well, what about the other guys.
Dwight Schrute
Losers.
Robert California
No.
Dwight Schrute
C’mon.
Robert California
I don’t- I don’t wanna say-
Dwight Schrute
C’mon, c’mon.
Robert California
No, no.
Dwight Schrute
C’mon.
Robert California
Ha, I guess I think they’re losers.
Dwight Schrute
Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!
Robert California
Probably shouldn’t have said that. (Jim’s jaw drops)

Scene 33

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Pam Beesly
(Pam’s phone vibrates) Oh, text from Jim. “This is getting very weird. Will explain later.”
Pam Beesly
(Everyone’s phone vibrates) Oh, text from Kevin.
Meredith Palmer
“Suck it losers.”

Scene 34

9 lines
Ryan Howard
Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn’t the fact that I’m in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!
Pam Beesly
I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, “Who’s that receptionist? I like her.” Now I’m just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you’re like, “Oh, loser.”
Andy Bernard
C’mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?
Pam Beesly
Oh. Oh God.
Kelly Kapoor
(door opens, others enter) Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?
Angela Martin
It was excellent.
Darryl Philbin
Good times.
Andy Bernard
Yeah?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it’s over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.

Scene 35

1 line
Kevin Malone
I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.

Scene 36

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I’m fine.

Scene 37

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(spraying Meredith and Creed with water gun) Loser. Losers. (Dwight holding up “L” to his forehead)
Meredith Palmer
(on the phone, while getting sprayed) Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It’ll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes.

Scene 38

1 line
Andy Bernard
When I was a salesman I could just be like “Not my job, not my prob. I’m going to the warehouse to polish my knob.” Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.

Scene 39

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it’s really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let’s say top-tier and others would be second-tier.
Robert California
I never said that.
Andy Bernard
Thank you. Great. Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you’re talking about?
Andy Bernard
Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I’m thinking of. Can you clarify that?
Robert California
Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I’ll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you’re a winner. If I didn’t, I don’t. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.
Phyllis Vance
Whew, well. I guess that’s that.
Andy Bernard
No. No, no.
Erin Hannon
Andy, don’t go in there!
Andy Bernard
I’m going in there.

Scene 40

8 lines
Andy Bernard
I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don’t know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I’m not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.
Robert California
I’m not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don’t use ballpoint pens.
Andy Bernard
Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley... you may think he’s a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he’s hard to love, but did you know that he’s in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?
Robert California
I did not know about the sales figures.
Andy Bernard
Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word “no” not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I’m being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, shut the door. This is just gross.
Jim Halpert
Shhh.
Andy Bernard
Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one.

Scene 41

1 line
Erin Hannon
I like my new group. I liked my old group.

Scene 42

6 lines
Robert California
Are we done?
Andy Bernard
Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we’re gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.
Robert California
You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?
Andy Bernard
Yes, I do.
Robert California
And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.
Andy Bernard
I don’t care. (Robert smiles as Andy exits)

Scene 43

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday.
Stanley Hudson
We get that every year.
Andy Bernard
Well, you got it this year too.
Phyllis Vance
Good night, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Night.
Angela Martin
Bye.
Oscar Martinez
Good night Andy.
Dwight Schrute
Good night.
Andy Bernard
Night.

Scene 44

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Alright, I’m gonna go warm up the car.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Oh, uh, you dropped something. Jim?

Scene 45

1 line
Pam Beesly
Okay, I know I’ve been crying easily today, but- (shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, “Pam” and “Cece” on one side, “Everything else” on the other) I mean, that’s just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it’s stupid. No. (starts crying) It’s wonderful. I’m gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.