Scene 011 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: Oh, for God’s sake. (notices Erin planking on parking lot curb)
Scene 021 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That’s it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet.
Scene 031 lineErin HannonOpen quote: Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don’t. And I don’t. But I am so excited to be a part of it.
Scene 043 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (exiting elevator) After you my good sir.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, I insist.Andy BernardOpen quote: I insist.
Scene 051 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California… for the manager position. Who took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don’t really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill. And he chose…
Scene 064 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (drumroll with hands) I… it’s unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice’s first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, “I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer.” Smart, right?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: (planking on top of cabinet] Very smart.Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh, this has got to stop.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I can’t get down.
Scene 081 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I’ve got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I’ve added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I’m doin’ great.
Scene 092 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: K, I’m gonna need some help. Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don’t think I should.
Scene 104 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, yeah. Pregnant.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Right here. Little Michael Scott- (points to her belly)Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I told you I don’t like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.
Scene 115 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Look, it’s a ‘Little Pregs’ (points to her belly) and ‘Big Pregs’ (points to Pam’s)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Wait, when did we start calling it that-Angela MartinOpen quote: Isn’t it amazing, the difference in our sizes?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, I am a few months ahead of you.Angela MartinOpen quote: I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman.
Scene 122 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hoist him aloft. C’mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl. (trying to lift Kevin off desk)Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I’m lifting.
Scene 131 lineDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin’ much better. This soda. This is mine.
Scene 141 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.
Scene 151 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I’m telling someone how to do somethin’. I go on with a long description and then I say, “and shove it up your butt.” It’s stupid, but it’s my thing now.
Scene 163 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: No one should be planking at all.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Say no more.
Scene 171 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (starts attacking plankers) Kids, don’t try planking. It’s dangerous. (knocks Toby off table) ‘Specially with me around.
Scene 184 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You watching that commercial again? (Pam nods) Why do you keep watching it, if you know it’s just gonna make you cry?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Because everything makes me cry, so what’s the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone.Jim HalpertOpen quote: He’s got a bank vault. That’s a start.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Not enough though.
Scene 191 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he’s gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it’s not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It’s strange.
Scene 208 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Here we go.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Hello.Erin HannonOpen quote: Robert California. Let’s have a conversation.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Describe your day so far.Erin HannonOpen quote: Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It’s a waste of your time. That’s how every day’s begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.Erin HannonOpen quote: Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I’ve been doing this thing-Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning.
Scene 211 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don’t know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.
Scene 223 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. (motions her over, both looking at Robert’s notebook)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Jim. (motions him over)Jim HalpertOpen quote: (motions he is on the phone) Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. (comes over) Okay. (sees notebook with two lists of staff names) What is this?
Scene 233 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: What are your thoughts.Andy BernardOpen quote: Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women’s soccer, no?
Scene 2425 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What are you looking at?Jim HalpertOpen quote: It’s, it’s nothing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It can’t be nothing.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yeah, it can’t be nothing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It’s just a list of our names, split into two columns.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen?Erin HannonOpen quote: No.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No. Okay. Um, I’ll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (throws hard, Jim doesn’t catch) Nice catch.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: If he comes out, distract him. (takes list to copier)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: We need a warning signal.Jim HalpertOpen quote: We don’t need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there-Kevin MaloneOpen quote: We do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I promise you, we don’t need a warning-Kevin MaloneOpen quote: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Ahhh! (falls out of chair)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yeah. Yeah. Oh.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: … 2, 3! (pulls Phyllis up)Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Thanks guys.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, which side of the list am I on?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Left.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Why are you- How do you know?
Scene 256 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert’s notebook.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He left it at reception and we photocopied it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, okay. I don’t want any part of this.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Maybe it’s a list of people he’s gonna fire.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, it’s not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.
Scene 265 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here’s something. Who would eat who in an ‘Alive’ situation. No... that can’t be it.Andy BernardOpen quote: I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side’s the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don’t think it’s-Pam BeeslyOpen quote: ‘Scuse me?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Shhh, Pam. C’mon, don’t be such a right-sider.
Scene 277 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Did you guys figure it out?Andy BernardOpen quote: We couldn’t crack it.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Go in there and just ask the man what it means.Andy BernardOpen quote: He’ll know that we looked at his private notebook.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: C’mon, just say you saw the list by accident.Andy BernardOpen quote: I’m already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it’s starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yeah, that’s all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day?
Scene 2813 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: (Andy continuously knocking on door) Yes, for god’s sake Andy. Yes, come in.Andy BernardOpen quote: What’s up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Great. Thank you.Andy BernardOpen quote: And it was open. And people saw this. And they’re just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: What is this?Andy BernardOpen quote: It’s a photocopy from your notebook.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.Andy BernardOpen quote: No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Ah, please. Here’s what it is. It’s a doodle.Andy BernardOpen quote: What?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don’t you think? Well, I doodle too, but I’m not an artist. So I draw words and lists.Andy BernardOpen quote: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Might as well have been sketching a cube.
Scene 2925 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Okay. Robert’s in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Maybe we’re s’posed to do it with people in our group.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That’s not it.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: People in the other group.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mmum, still wrong.Andy BernardOpen quote: Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add ‘em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I know! It’s alphabetical.EveryoneOpen quote: (separately) No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, it’s not. Here’s how we find out. Let’s line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let’s just size each other up here and left side of the list… ATTACK!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! (Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling)Andy BernardOpen quote: Dwight!Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Warning! Warning! Warning!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (enters room, everyone quiets and separates) I’d like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That’s great. Let’s do this guys.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright, well, I will see you in a bit.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I love you so much. (starting to cry)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey. It’s nothing. Alright? I’ll text you when we get there. Let you know what’s going on.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay. (turns to computer)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nope. No dog video.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay. See you guys.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!
Scene 3013 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uhhh, the street?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Sesame street.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I didn’t know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Elmo, god’s sake, it’s the Elmo era.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn’t you agree.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, she does like Elmo.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Completely.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I should not be here. I’m in the- I was in the wrong- I’m- I’m sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here.
Scene 319 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Great group! Pizza party!Kelly KapoorOpen quote: How is this a pizza party?Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, why don’t you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah, well, that’s just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: What’s that?Andy BernardOpen quote: Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: That’s pizza.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That’s regular pizza.
Scene 3215 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay!EveryoneOpen quote: (separately) Awww.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, what about the other guys.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Losers.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: C’mon.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I don’t- I don’t wanna say-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: C’mon, c’mon.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No, no.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: C’mon.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Ha, I guess I think they’re losers.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Probably shouldn’t have said that. (Jim’s jaw drops)
Scene 334 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (Pam’s phone vibrates) Oh, text from Jim. “This is getting very weird. Will explain later.”Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (Everyone’s phone vibrates) Oh, text from Kevin.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: “Suck it losers.”
Scene 349 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn’t the fact that I’m in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, “Who’s that receptionist? I like her.” Now I’m just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you’re like, “Oh, loser.”Andy BernardOpen quote: C’mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh. Oh God.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: (door opens, others enter) Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?Angela MartinOpen quote: It was excellent.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Good times.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it’s over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.
Scene 351 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.
Scene 362 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, I’m fine.
Scene 372 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (spraying Meredith and Creed with water gun) Loser. Losers. (Dwight holding up “L” to his forehead)Meredith PalmerOpen quote: (on the phone, while getting sprayed) Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It’ll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes.
Scene 381 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: When I was a salesman I could just be like “Not my job, not my prob. I’m going to the warehouse to polish my knob.” Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.
Scene 399 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it’s really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let’s say top-tier and others would be second-tier.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I never said that.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you. Great. Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you’re talking about?Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I’m thinking of. Can you clarify that?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I’ll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you’re a winner. If I didn’t, I don’t. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Whew, well. I guess that’s that.Andy BernardOpen quote: No. No, no.Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy, don’t go in there!Andy BernardOpen quote: I’m going in there.
Scene 408 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don’t know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I’m not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I’m not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don’t use ballpoint pens.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley... you may think he’s a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he’s hard to love, but did you know that he’s in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I did not know about the sales figures.Andy BernardOpen quote: Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word “no” not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I’m being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim, shut the door. This is just gross.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Shhh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one.
Scene 426 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Are we done?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we’re gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes, I do.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans.Andy BernardOpen quote: I don’t care. (Robert smiles as Andy exits)
Scene 439 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: We get that every year.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, you got it this year too.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Good night, Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Night.Angela MartinOpen quote: Bye.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Good night Andy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good night.Andy BernardOpen quote: Night.
Scene 442 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Alright, I’m gonna go warm up the car.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay. Oh, uh, you dropped something. Jim?
Scene 451 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay, I know I’ve been crying easily today, but- (shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, “Pam” and “Cece” on one side, “Everything else” on the other) I mean, that’s just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it’s stupid. No. (starts crying) It’s wonderful. I’m gonna frame it. I can always unframe it.