Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Christmas Wishes

Vol. 8 · Issue 10Scranton, PA

Here are all the lines from the episode where Andy tries to make holiday dreams come true while dealing with a very drunk Erin. You'll see the whole script of Jim and Dwight trying not to prank each other for that sweet bonus money. It's the perfect way to see how Jessica's first Scranton party went down, porcupine and all.

Scene 01

1 line
Andy Bernard
(Singing as if he were the dolls in his office) Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! (Normal voice) Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true.

Scene 02

6 lines
Andy Bernard
Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley Hudson
Holiday wishes.
Andy Bernard
What's that, Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy Bernard
It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley Hudson
I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.

Scene 03

1 line
Jim Halpert
I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea.

Scene 04

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I don't want no Kwanza wreath, I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's it's own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!

Scene 05

16 lines
Meredith Palmer
What is the status on my wish?
Andy Bernard
Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required.
Dwight Schrute
What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Andy Bernard
That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight Schrute
Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy Bernard
Light side.
Dwight Schrute
Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy Bernard
As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent....beachfront.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Andy.
Andy Bernard
So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica....C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.
Jim Halpert
She's not your grandmother, is she?
Andy Bernard
Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.
Creed Bratton
That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?
Andy Bernard
Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam.

Scene 06

1 line
Erin Hannon
I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home.

Scene 07

18 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be.
Erin Hannon
Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.
Erin Hannon
That's OK, I don't want you to do that.
Robert California
(laughing) Hello, ah. Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati.
Kelly Kapoor
Eww, what is that?
Robert California
The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts.
Kelly Kapoor
Cool.
Kevin Malone
Hey, man.
Robert California
Hey! (Kevin embraces Robert in a tight hug) Oh!
Kevin Malone
How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you?
Oscar Martinez
Kevin?
Robert California
I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Robert California
It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.
Andy Bernard
Well you came to the right place....Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up.
Robert California
I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop.....ah, heartbreaking. (gestures to Andy in Santa costume)
Andy Bernard
Oh, thank you.

Scene 08

17 lines
Andy Bernard
Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. (puts on baseball cap that has a foam rear-end on it with the words “HARD ASS”) But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.
Dwight Schrute
Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.
Jim Halpert
It wasn't me.
Andy Bernard
It wasn't either of you.
Jim Halpert
Kathy wants to leave our clump?
Andy Bernard
Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.
Dwight Schrute
I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. (punches Jim in the arm)
Jim Halpert
Ow, What are you doing? (Jim fights back)
Andy Bernard
Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!
Jim Halpert
Pam never seemed to have a problem with us.
Andy Bernard
Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay.
Jim Halpert
What was that?
Dwight Schrute
What is it?
Andy Bernard
Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person.
Jim Halpert
Can't do that.
Dwight Schrute
No, absolutely not.
Andy Bernard
You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells.

Scene 09

5 lines
Jessica
Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy?
Erin Hannon
Jessica. Yes. We don't say hi, we hug. (gets up and hugs Jessica) I'm Erin.
Jessica
Oh! (laughs) Oof!
Erin Hannon
Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here.
Jessica
Oh.

Scene 10

1 line
Andy Bernard
My ex is meeting my sex....which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it.

Scene 11

15 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my penis. (laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek) Hi.
Jessica
Hi.
Andy Bernard
Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.
Erin Hannon
Wow.
Andy Bernard
Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.
Jessica
Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office.
Erin Hannon
Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.
Andy Bernard
What?
Jessica
Oh.
Erin Hannon
Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did. (Jessica laughs, Erin exaggerates back curve)
Andy Bernard
Oh no.
Jessica
Ah..(laughs)
Andy Bernard
Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis.
Jessica
Spontaneous scoliosis. (both laugh)
Erin Hannon
Oh.

Scene 12

14 lines
Darryl Philbin
This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution.
Val
Thank you.
Darryl Philbin
Alright.
Val
Alright.
Darryl Philbin
Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about.
Val
Isn't that just for popsicles?
Darryl Philbin
Popsicles?
Val
Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt?
Nate Nickerson
Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. (laughs) I, in my, I...
Darryl Philbin
Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid.
Nate Nickerson
You had me at “clookies.” I can't wait to find out what they are.
Val
What should I wear?
Darryl Philbin
Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up.
Nate Nickerson
I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
Ah...(sees Dwight's wallet and open email) I'm gonna s- (see's Dwight watching from break room)

Scene 14

1 line
Jim Halpert
Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing....I get really pranky when I drink.

Scene 15

19 lines
Robert California
Erin, what can I get for you?
Erin Hannon
Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it.
Robert California
Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots!
Ryan Howard
Yes!
Oscar Martinez
Yes!
Ryan Howard
Will do.
Robert California
The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too.
Phyllis Vance
One, two three! (group takes shots)
Kevin Malone
Yes.
Erin Hannon
OK. (takes shot, group laughs)
Robert California
Mmm. Wow.
Erin Hannon
Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!
Robert California
Jiminey Christmas indeed.
Erin Hannon
Hit 'er up.
Robert California
Oh.
Kevin Malone
Oh yes.
Ryan Howard
Whoo!
Erin Hannon
Yeah! (laughs)
Oscar Martinez
Wow.

Scene 16

1 line
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye.

Scene 17

1 line
Jim Halpert
So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife...from me.

Scene 18

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(laughing) Boom!

Scene 19

2 lines
Ryan Howard
But look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...(Val walks in dressed very formally) whoa, hello. Um, you're allowed to do...
Kevin Malone
Good cookie.

Scene 20

6 lines
Darryl Philbin
I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster.
Val
OK.
Darryl Philbin
I thought you'd wear a sweater.
Val
Since when does a sweater mean “dressed up”? Am I your grandson?
Darryl Philbin
Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you.
Val
As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe.

Scene 21

10 lines
Erin Hannon
(imitating Stanley) I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. (group laughs) and then I want my nap!
Stanley Hudson
That's right. (laughs)
Erin Hannon
Whoo! (group laughs) Thank you.
Robert California
She, she is remarkable.
Andy Bernard
Edgy impressions.
Erin Hannon
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.
Erin Hannon
A thousand.
Andy Bernard
Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.
Erin Hannon
(serious) Maybe you should mind your own business. (normal voice) Just kidding!

Scene 22

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!
Toby Flenderson
Oh my god.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!
Jim Halpert
I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?
Dwight Schrute
Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?
Jim Halpert
Hmm...
Toby Flenderson
You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.

Scene 23

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.

Scene 24

22 lines
Angela Martin
Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
Toby Flenderson
No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife.
Dwight Schrute
Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.
Jim Halpert
Nice try, this is ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute
Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.
Jim Halpert
Three times.
Dwight Schrute
You see?
Andy Bernard
Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.
Jim Halpert
Andy, you've gotta be kidding me.
Toby Flenderson
Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand...
Kelly Kapoor
Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?
Jim Halpert
OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control...
Dwight Schrute
Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute.
Angela Martin
No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs.
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up.
Dwight Schrute
Come down right away!
Jim Halpert
(on phone)Uh, I don't know, let me ask. (to Dwight) Uh, were you quilled?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, I was quilled.
Jim Halpert
And what's it's name?
Dwight Schrute
Henrietta.
Jim Halpert
Oops. (hangs up)
Andy Bernard
What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight.

Scene 25

28 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I'm so happy you guys are together. OK? (Andy and Jessica laugh) And you both have such beautiful hair.
Jessica
(laughs) Thank you.
Erin Hannon
I hope you guys get married....and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone.
Andy Bernard
OK!
Erin Hannon
And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. (blows kisses and pushes Andy and Jessica's faces together.) Ah! (laughs) OK, well I'm gonna go do another reverse spit. That's how the cool kids say “get a drink”. (blows kisses and dances away)
Jessica
That's uh, that's the girl you dated.
Andy Bernard
Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um...
Jessica
No, she, she seems fine.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, uh, excuse me.
Jessica
OK.
Andy Bernard
Yep. (leaves Jessica to talk to Erin) Hey!
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
Erin Hannon
Every martini has an olive.
Andy Bernard
OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Kevin Malone
I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.
Erin Hannon
Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Andy Bernard
Ah, OK.
Erin Hannon
It's about you.
Andy Bernard
That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin Hannon
(slurring slightly) It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy Bernard
You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.
Erin Hannon
I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy Bernard
Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin Hannon
Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar? (Andy leaves)
Kevin Malone
Hey.
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Kevin Malone
So, there was talk of oatmeal.

Scene 26

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess.
Val
Yeah. Thanks.

Scene 27

28 lines
Andy Bernard
I swear...
Jessica
Did you not...
Andy Bernard
I was too embarrassed! (group laughs)
Jim Halpert
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. (shows picture of Cici with devil doodles) Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that?
Phyllis Vance
Is that Cici?
Jim Halpert
Yes. It is.
Andy Bernard
Um.
Phyllis Vance
That's awful.
Andy Bernard
Cici is Jim's daughter.
Jessica
Oh my god. How could somebody do that?
Jim Halpert
I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, any one, pick one. Not my kid though.
Oscar Martinez
Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this?
Jim Halpert
I don't-
Andy Bernard
I know who did this....Dwight.
Phyllis Vance
Dwight?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Dwight.
Oscar Martinez
No!
Phyllis Vance
He should pay.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.
Jim Halpert
O...K.
Andy Bernard
It's, I mean.
Jim Halpert
Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it’s a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like...
Oscar Martinez
That's no accident.
Jim Halpert
Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident.
Phyllis Vance
What?
Oscar Martinez
What?
Jim Halpert
I'll figure it out, get to the bottom of it....Merry merry.

Scene 28

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Enough of this garbage. (harshly places boom box on table and hits play) This is Christmas. (Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays. Dwight plays air violin/guitar and sings along) Hi-yah!!!!! (gabe, Creed and Nate join in as shots show various gift giving) Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!!

Scene 29

13 lines
Jim Halpert
You alright, Santa?
Andy Bernard
You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Andy Bernard
Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?
Jim Halpert
Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.
Andy Bernard
No...I don't, hmm, I don't know.
Jim Halpert
OK.
Andy Bernard
By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work.
Jim Halpert
Alright. I will definitely do that.
Andy Bernard
Alright, I'll tell Dwight.
Jim Halpert
You know what? You're sitting, and thinking, and it's probably better if it comes from me anyway.
Andy Bernard
Christmas miracles do happen.
Jim Halpert
Yes. They totally do.

Scene 30

7 lines
Ryan Howard
You can't click on these Kardashian links, that's why you have so many viruses.
Kelly Kapoor
Well help me, OK? Just, uh take...
Ryan Howard
I'm trying but you need to-
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Kelly Kapoor
Yo.
Erin Hannon
Game on.
Kelly Kapoor
On it.

Scene 31

2 lines
Jessica
(group laughing) I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful...
Kelly Kapoor
Jessica, did you just fart? (group stops laughing)

Scene 32

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
And that, is how it's done.

Scene 33

3 lines
Erin Hannon
I would like another alcohol.
Robert California
Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar.
Oscar Martinez
What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler..does anyone have any chocolate shavings?

Scene 34

7 lines
Robert California
Your heart is broken. So is mine.
Erin Hannon
And...
Robert California
And what?
Erin Hannon
And you have any advice or anything?
Robert California
No (laughs) my god.
Erin Hannon
...Help me feel better...
Robert California
I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice....I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better.

Scene 35

4 lines
Nate Nickerson
When you do your makeup,
Jessica
Uh huh.
Nate Nickerson
How long you, does it take usually? Cause...
Jessica
Um, it ta-, um it depends.

Scene 36

3 lines
Toby Flenderson
…..Chad Flendermen's kryptonite. (Darryl walks up to Toby and Val in a tuxedo)
Creed Bratton
Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here.
Darryl Philbin
Hi.

Scene 37

12 lines
Jessica
I'll see you at home?
Andy Bernard
OK great.
Jessica
OK
Andy Bernard
Perfect.
Jessica
Bye (kiss)...I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab and pay for it.
Andy Bernard
I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish.
Jessica
Oh
Meredith Palmer
Either he drives or I drive. Now I'm drunk and mad.
Jessica
OK (laughs) Bye.
Andy Bernard
OK, bye. (helps Meredith off the floor) Alright Meredith,
Meredith Palmer
Thank you Santa.
Andy Bernard
You bet.

Scene 38

1 line
Andy Bernard
Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. (laughs) and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer,

Scene 39

14 lines
Andy Bernard
Let's go, let's go.
Meredith Palmer
I know, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Andy Bernard
Hang on.
Meredith Palmer
Alright. (Andy opens back of her van, things fall out)
Andy Bernard
What?
Meredith Palmer
Whoa! My stuff!
Andy Bernard
What is all that?
Meredith Palmer
It's my valuables!
Andy Bernard
It's junk!
Meredith Palmer
This is my treasures, no they're my treasures!
Andy Bernard
You're a hoarder. My god!
Meredith Palmer
No I'm not, I'm gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful.
Andy Bernard
Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.
Dwight Schrute
(laughs while spray painting “Jim is Awesome” on his own car, talks to porcupine in carrier) What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh?

Scene 40

12 lines
Meredith Palmer
Where are we? This ain't my street.
Andy Bernard
Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh.
Meredith Palmer
Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh?
Andy Bernard
Oh my god.
Meredith Palmer
Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?
Andy Bernard
Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.
Robert California
Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning.
Erin Hannon
Thank you, goodnight.
Meredith Palmer
What are you smiling for? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Andy Bernard
I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home.
Meredith Palmer
Ow! Take it easy.
Andy Bernard
Whoo.

Scene 41

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(yawns, “Idiot” is written on his forehead) Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?
Oscar Martinez
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?

Scene 42

1 line
Jim Halpert
Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something......C'mon, Jim. (shakes head) I got nothin'.