In season 8 episode 10 of The Office, Andy plays Santa and tries to make everyones Christmas wishes come true. Read the full script of "Christmas Wishes" and enjoy all the best quotes from the episode.
Andy Bernard:(Singing as if he were the dolls in his office) Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! (Normal voice) Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true.
Andy Bernard:Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?
Stanley Hudson:Holiday wishes.
Andy Bernard:What's that, Stanley?
Stanley Hudson:We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.
Andy Bernard:It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party.
Stanley Hudson:I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.
Jim Halpert:I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea.
Stanley Hudson:I don't want no Kwanza wreath, I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's it's own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas!
Meredith Palmer:What is the status on my wish?
Andy Bernard:Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required.
Dwight Schrute:What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Andy Bernard:That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight Schrute:Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy Bernard:Light side.
Dwight Schrute:Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy Bernard:As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent....beachfront.
Dwight Schrute:Thank you, Andy.
Andy Bernard:So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica....C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is.
Jim Halpert:She's not your grandmother, is she?
Andy Bernard:Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time?
Jim Halpert:Yeah.
Andy Bernard:Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee.
Creed Bratton:That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?
Andy Bernard:Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam.
Erin Hannon:I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home.
Kelly Kapoor:I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be.
Erin Hannon:Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor:It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her.
Erin Hannon:That's OK, I don't want you to do that.
Robert California:The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts.
Kelly Kapoor:Cool.
Kevin Malone:Hey, man.
Robert California:Hey! (Kevin embraces Robert in a tight hug) Oh!
Kevin Malone:How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you?
Oscar Martinez:Kevin?
Robert California:I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Kevin Malone:Yeah.
Robert California:It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.
Andy Bernard:Well you came to the right place....Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up.
Robert California:I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop.....ah, heartbreaking. (gestures to Andy in Santa costume)
Andy Bernard:Oh, thank you.
Andy Bernard:Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. (puts on baseball cap that has a foam rear-end on it with the words “HARD ASS”) But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.
Dwight Schrute:Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.
Jim Halpert:It wasn't me.
Andy Bernard:It wasn't either of you.
Jim Halpert:Kathy wants to leave our clump?
Andy Bernard:Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.
Dwight Schrute:I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. (punches Jim in the arm)
Jim Halpert:Ow, What are you doing? (Jim fights back)
Andy Bernard:Hey! Hey! Respect the hat!
Jim Halpert:Pam never seemed to have a problem with us.
Andy Bernard:Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay.
Jim Halpert:What was that?
Dwight Schrute:What is it?
Andy Bernard:Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person.
Jim Halpert:Can't do that.
Dwight Schrute:No, absolutely not.
Andy Bernard:You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells.
Jessica:Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy?
Erin Hannon:Jessica. Yes. We don't say hi, we hug. (gets up and hugs Jessica) I'm Erin.
Jessica:Oh! (laughs) Oof!
Erin Hannon:Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here.
Jessica:Oh.
Andy Bernard:My ex is meeting my sex....which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it.
Andy Bernard:Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my penis. (laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek) Hi.
Jessica:Hi.
Andy Bernard:Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.
Erin Hannon:Wow.
Andy Bernard:Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.
Jessica:Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office.
Erin Hannon:Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.
Andy Bernard:What?
Jessica:Oh.
Erin Hannon:Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did. (Jessica laughs, Erin exaggerates back curve)
Andy Bernard:Oh no.
Jessica:Ah..(laughs)
Andy Bernard:Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis.
Jessica:Spontaneous scoliosis. (both laugh)
Erin Hannon:Oh.
Darryl Philbin:This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution.
Val:Thank you.
Darryl Philbin:Alright.
Val:Alright.
Darryl Philbin:Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about.
Val:Isn't that just for popsicles?
Darryl Philbin:Popsicles?
Val:Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt?
Nate Nickerson:Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. (laughs) I, in my, I...
Darryl Philbin:Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid.
Nate Nickerson:You had me at “clookies.” I can't wait to find out what they are.
Val:What should I wear?
Darryl Philbin:Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up.
Nate Nickerson:I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.
Jim Halpert:Ah...(sees Dwight's wallet and open email) I'm gonna s- (see's Dwight watching from break room)
Jim Halpert:Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing....I get really pranky when I drink.
Robert California:Erin, what can I get for you?
Erin Hannon:Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it.
Robert California:Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots!
Ryan Howard:Yes!
Oscar Martinez:Yes!
Ryan Howard:Will do.
Robert California:The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too.
Phyllis Vance:One, two three! (group takes shots)
Kevin Malone:Yes.
Erin Hannon:OK. (takes shot, group laughs)
Robert California:Mmm. Wow.
Erin Hannon:Whoo! Jiminy Christmas!
Robert California:Jiminey Christmas indeed.
Erin Hannon:Hit 'er up.
Robert California:Oh.
Kevin Malone:Oh yes.
Ryan Howard:Whoo!
Erin Hannon:Yeah! (laughs)
Oscar Martinez:Wow.
Jim Halpert:(on phone) Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye.
Jim Halpert:So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife...from me.
Dwight Schrute:(laughing) Boom!
Ryan Howard:But look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...(Val walks in dressed very formally) whoa, hello. Um, you're allowed to do...
Kevin Malone:Good cookie.
Darryl Philbin:I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster.
Val:OK.
Darryl Philbin:I thought you'd wear a sweater.
Val:Since when does a sweater mean “dressed up”? Am I your grandson?
Darryl Philbin:Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you.
Val:As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe.
Erin Hannon:(imitating Stanley) I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. (group laughs) and then I want my nap!
Stanley Hudson:That's right. (laughs)
Erin Hannon:Whoo! (group laughs) Thank you.
Robert California:She, she is remarkable.
Andy Bernard:Edgy impressions.
Erin Hannon:Thank you.
Andy Bernard:How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.
Erin Hannon:A thousand.
Andy Bernard:Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.
Erin Hannon:(serious) Maybe you should mind your own business. (normal voice) Just kidding!
Dwight Schrute:Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!
Toby Flenderson:Oh my god.
Dwight Schrute:Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!
Jim Halpert:I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?
Dwight Schrute:Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?
Jim Halpert:Hmm...
Toby Flenderson:You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing.
Toby Flenderson:Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.
Angela Martin:Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective.
Toby Flenderson:No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife.
Dwight Schrute:Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.
Jim Halpert:Nice try, this is ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute:Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.
Jim Halpert:Three times.
Dwight Schrute:You see?
Andy Bernard:Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.
Jim Halpert:Andy, you've gotta be kidding me.
Toby Flenderson:Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand...
Kelly Kapoor:Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?
Jim Halpert:OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control...
Dwight Schrute:Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute.
Angela Martin:No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs.
Jim Halpert:(on phone) Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up.
Dwight Schrute:Come down right away!
Jim Halpert:(on phone)Uh, I don't know, let me ask. (to Dwight) Uh, were you quilled?
Dwight Schrute:Yes, I was quilled.
Jim Halpert:And what's it's name?
Dwight Schrute:Henrietta.
Jim Halpert:Oops. (hangs up)
Andy Bernard:What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight.
Erin Hannon:Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I'm so happy you guys are together. OK? (Andy and Jessica laugh) And you both have such beautiful hair.
Jessica:(laughs) Thank you.
Erin Hannon:I hope you guys get married....and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone.
Andy Bernard:OK!
Erin Hannon:And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. (blows kisses and pushes Andy and Jessica's faces together.) Ah! (laughs) OK, well I'm gonna go do another reverse spit. That's how the cool kids say “get a drink”. (blows kisses and dances away)
Jessica:That's uh, that's the girl you dated.
Andy Bernard:Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um...
Jessica:No, she, she seems fine.
Andy Bernard:Yeah, uh, excuse me.
Jessica:OK.
Andy Bernard:Yep. (leaves Jessica to talk to Erin) Hey!
Erin Hannon:Hey.
Andy Bernard:Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?
Erin Hannon:Every martini has an olive.
Andy Bernard:OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.
Kevin Malone:I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.
Erin Hannon:Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Andy Bernard:Ah, OK.
Erin Hannon:It's about you.
Andy Bernard:That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin Hannon:(slurring slightly) It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy Bernard:You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.
Erin Hannon:I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy Bernard:Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin Hannon:Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar? (Andy leaves)
Kevin Malone:Hey.
Erin Hannon:Hey.
Kevin Malone:So, there was talk of oatmeal.
Phyllis Vance:You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess.
Val:Yeah. Thanks.
Andy Bernard:I swear...
Jessica:Did you not...
Andy Bernard:I was too embarrassed! (group laughs)
Jim Halpert:Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. (shows picture of Cici with devil doodles) Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that?
Phyllis Vance:Is that Cici?
Jim Halpert:Yes. It is.
Andy Bernard:Um.
Phyllis Vance:That's awful.
Andy Bernard:Cici is Jim's daughter.
Jessica:Oh my god. How could somebody do that?
Jim Halpert:I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, any one, pick one. Not my kid though.
Oscar Martinez:Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this?
Jim Halpert:I don't-
Andy Bernard:I know who did this....Dwight.
Phyllis Vance:Dwight?
Jim Halpert:Yeah.
Andy Bernard:Dwight.
Oscar Martinez:No!
Phyllis Vance:He should pay.
Andy Bernard:Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.
Jim Halpert:O...K.
Andy Bernard:It's, I mean.
Jim Halpert:Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it’s a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like...
Oscar Martinez:That's no accident.
Jim Halpert:Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident.
Phyllis Vance:What?
Oscar Martinez:What?
Jim Halpert:I'll figure it out, get to the bottom of it....Merry merry.
Dwight Schrute:Enough of this garbage. (harshly places boom box on table and hits play) This is Christmas. (Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays. Dwight plays air violin/guitar and sings along) Hi-yah!!!!! (gabe, Creed and Nate join in as shots show various gift giving) Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!!
Jim Halpert:You alright, Santa?
Andy Bernard:You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?
Jim Halpert:Yes.
Andy Bernard:Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?
Jim Halpert:Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.
Andy Bernard:No...I don't, hmm, I don't know.
Jim Halpert:OK.
Andy Bernard:By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work.
Jim Halpert:Alright. I will definitely do that.
Andy Bernard:Alright, I'll tell Dwight.
Jim Halpert:You know what? You're sitting, and thinking, and it's probably better if it comes from me anyway.
Andy Bernard:Christmas miracles do happen.
Jim Halpert:Yes. They totally do.
Ryan Howard:You can't click on these Kardashian links, that's why you have so many viruses.
Kelly Kapoor:Well help me, OK? Just, uh take...
Ryan Howard:I'm trying but you need to-
Erin Hannon:Hey.
Kelly Kapoor:Yo.
Erin Hannon:Game on.
Kelly Kapoor:On it.
Jessica:(group laughing) I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful...
Kelly Kapoor:Jessica, did you just fart? (group stops laughing)
Kelly Kapoor:And that, is how it's done.
Erin Hannon:I would like another alcohol.
Robert California:Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar.
Oscar Martinez:What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler..does anyone have any chocolate shavings?
Robert California:Your heart is broken. So is mine.
Erin Hannon:And...
Robert California:And what?
Erin Hannon:And you have any advice or anything?
Robert California:No (laughs) my god.
Erin Hannon:...Help me feel better...
Robert California:I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice....I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better.
Nate Nickerson:When you do your makeup,
Jessica:Uh huh.
Nate Nickerson:How long you, does it take usually? Cause...
Jessica:Um, it ta-, um it depends.
Toby Flenderson:…..Chad Flendermen's kryptonite. (Darryl walks up to Toby and Val in a tuxedo)
Creed Bratton:Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here.
Darryl Philbin:Hi.
Jessica:I'll see you at home?
Andy Bernard:OK great.
Jessica:OK
Andy Bernard:Perfect.
Jessica:Bye (kiss)...I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab and pay for it.
Andy Bernard:I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish.
Jessica:Oh
Meredith Palmer:Either he drives or I drive. Now I'm drunk and mad.
Jessica:OK (laughs) Bye.
Andy Bernard:OK, bye. (helps Meredith off the floor) Alright Meredith,
Meredith Palmer:Thank you Santa.
Andy Bernard:You bet.
Andy Bernard:Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. (laughs) and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer,
Meredith Palmer:Alright. (Andy opens back of her van, things fall out)
Andy Bernard:What?
Meredith Palmer:Whoa! My stuff!
Andy Bernard:What is all that?
Meredith Palmer:It's my valuables!
Andy Bernard:It's junk!
Meredith Palmer:This is my treasures, no they're my treasures!
Andy Bernard:You're a hoarder. My god!
Meredith Palmer:No I'm not, I'm gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful.
Andy Bernard:Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.
Dwight Schrute:(laughs while spray painting “Jim is Awesome” on his own car, talks to porcupine in carrier) What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh?
Meredith Palmer:Where are we? This ain't my street.
Andy Bernard:Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh.
Meredith Palmer:Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh?
Andy Bernard:Oh my god.
Meredith Palmer:Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood?
Andy Bernard:Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.
Robert California:Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning.
Erin Hannon:Thank you, goodnight.
Meredith Palmer:What are you smiling for? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Andy Bernard:I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home.
Meredith Palmer:Ow! Take it easy.
Andy Bernard:Whoo.
Dwight Schrute:(yawns, “Idiot” is written on his forehead) Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?
Oscar Martinez:Dwight.
Dwight Schrute:Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?
Jim Halpert:Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something......C'mon, Jim. (shakes head) I got nothin'.
In "The Office" episode 10, season 8, "Christmas Wishes," Andy plays Santa. He tries to make holiday wishes come true. He wants everyone to like his girlfriend, Jessica. Erin is jealous and gets very drunk. She tells Andy she wishes Jessica was dead.
Jim and Dwight have a prank war. Andy says he will give their bonuses away if they don't stop. Dwight tries to frame Jim with a porcupine. Jim tricks Dwight into defacing a photo of his daughter. Dwight gets caught and loses his bonus. Remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote to share on social media.
Robert California brings Erin home. She is very drunk. He is kind to her despite his own divorce. A fan-favorite scene is when Dwight sprays "Jim is Awesome" on his own car. He also has "Idiot" written on his head. He fell asleep at his desk.
