Scene 0112 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh yeah!EveryoneOpen quote: Aw!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. (takes another bite) Oh yeah!Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.Andy BernardOpen quote: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, done.Erin HannonOpen quote: (shows bloody hand) Does anyone have a first aid kit?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... (overlapping chatter)Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, here we go! Everybody get read in three, two, good luck, one-
Scene 029 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (writing on board) Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You can write a book about chairs.Andy BernardOpen quote: Books! Excellent, Jim.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper-Andy BernardOpen quote: (gasps) Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? (scattered applause)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is.Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!Angela MartinOpen quote: Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes!
Scene 031 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage.
Scene 041 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.
Scene 058 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Dwight Schrute for Robert California!ReceptionistOpen quote: Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine.ReceptionistOpen quote: Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Dwight? What are you doing here?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Gabe? You don't know?Gabe LewisOpen quote: Course I know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office.
Scene 061 lineGabe LewisOpen quote: Corporate says to me, “Gabe, we need you in Scranton.” Scranton says, “Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there.” So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying.
Scene 076 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Robert.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: You made it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. (Gabe laughs) Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Very good.
Scene 0815 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to "play ball." Those were his words.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error!Andy BernardOpen quote: So make that error!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Andy, no-Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hey! I can make that error.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (clicks tongue) Aw...Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, I-Andy BernardOpen quote: It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. (to Oscar) What do you say?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I'm leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Any other crunch time, I would love to stay in, cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO, but tonight is Triviocalypse!Andy BernardOpen quote: What?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my friends, they're committed to me.Andy BernardOpen quote: You know what? Go. Have fun.
Scene 0918 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Stop right there. I love it.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I'm in.Andy BernardOpen quote: I didn't even say what it is.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: It's trivia.Jim HalpertOpen quote: In Philadelphia.Andy BernardOpen quote: But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase...Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's a great idea.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: That's a great plan.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah? You like it?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Andy BernardOpen quote: All right.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, good stuff.Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, "this sounds really stupid."Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You just made a good idea, a great idea.Andy BernardOpen quote: There is one problem with this plan.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: What?Andy BernardOpen quote: We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this.
Scene 1015 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: (on the phone) You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. (hangs up)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Meat grinder.Gabe LewisOpen quote: (makes buzzer sound) Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Dwight. Today is not my day at all, I'm afraid. I'm not going to be able to meet with you, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But I can give you this pitch in one minute-Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: No, he's going to meet with you later. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay? Trust me. Meet with Bill. He's a great person to know. I'll dialogue with him tonight. (leaves)Gabe LewisOpen quote: CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Still an important position. Still a chief.Gabe LewisOpen quote: You're really going to like Bill. He, uh, he has me toilet a lot of people for him. (Dwight sighs, Gabe's phone rings) Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Your wish is my command.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: It's a command.
Scene 1122 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: I don't believe this. What are you doing here, Andy?Andy BernardOpen quote: You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What? No!Andy BernardOpen quote: I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: And you guys thought this was a good idea?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I thought it was a fun idea.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always going to- this is a gay bar.Andy BernardOpen quote: Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yes! It's a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now?EveryoneOpen quote: No. Nah.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? (laughs)Andy BernardOpen quote: It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. (Oscar’s friend walks up) Not anything.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Good luck.Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Good-timers follow me.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Backups. (Jim goes to join the backups)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here.Andy BernardOpen quote: A-team.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... (looks at Kevin, who has joined the A-team)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Okay. (leaves)Jim HalpertOpen quote: There's a table over here.
Scene 1210 linesHostOpen quote: All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital?Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, we got this!Creed BrattonOpen quote: Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Atlanta.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held.CathyOpen quote: My cousins were actually at those Olympics.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Keep talking all you want.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about?Erin HannonOpen quote: Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness.HostOpen quote: Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. "Atlanta, Georgia" is the correct answer. (Kevin holds up “What is...SEE-attle”)
Scene 136 linesGabe LewisOpen quote: Hey man, uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire, so your appointment got-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (sniffs) There's no fires within eight miles of here.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Well, it's nine miles away. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What? No, no. Excuse me! Lady! Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant!ReceptionistOpen quote: This must be very frustrating.Gabe LewisOpen quote: I can see you in the jungle now.
Scene 1415 linesHostOpen quote: Okay, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you?Andy BernardOpen quote: Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Shawn Marion.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yes, Shawn Marion.Ryan HowardOpen quote: That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wrong, for so many reasons.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Ron Artest, Kelly.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar.HostOpen quote: All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. "Lamar Odom" is what we were looking for. "Lamar Odom" Thank you. (scattered cheers)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Nicely done!Andy BernardOpen quote: You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Chill, man. This plan is airtight.
Scene 1517 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it!ReceptionistOpen quote: Well, you got my vote.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh my God.Gabe LewisOpen quote: I know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Most of all, I believe that character is destiny. And my character is one that- wait why are you smiling?Gabe LewisOpen quote: What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What's with the smile?Gabe LewisOpen quote: You're doing great. You know, so good.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon, behind us.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand. Flush! (Gabe makes a flushing motion, Dwight twists Gabe's arm) Ow!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Take me to Robert.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Ow! He went home.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Take me to his house.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know where it is. Lead me there.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Ow! Ow! Stephanie, help!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.
Scene 1614 linesHostOpen quote: Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder-Mifflin A-team? Excuse me, sir?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah?HostOpen quote: I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... (laughter) but you can't check smart phones during trivia, it's against the rules.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Okay, I'm turning it off.HostOpen quote: Okay, you're not turning it off.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I won't look at it.HostOpen quote: Sir?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I can't- I can't not touch it.HostOpen quote: Okay, then we're going to have to take it away. (employee takes the phone) Thank you.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Look, I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone. (leaves)HostOpen quote: All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. (Oscar's team touches fingers) The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. (a team of hairy men growl) Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (claps) All right.HostOpen quote: D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. (the "just-for-fun” Dunder-Mifflin team cheers) Ladies Gaga have five points. (more cheering)Andy BernardOpen quote: So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no.
Scene 174 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Which one is it?Gabe LewisOpen quote: I don't know. All I know is the building.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Robert! Robert California! Robert!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102.
Scene 1819 linesHostOpen quote: All right guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait. Except for the Einsteins. That's all right. Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round. So let's get everyone some bells. In third place we have the Einsteins.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh yeah!Kelly KapoorOpen quote: What! (cheers)HostOpen quote: In second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears.Queerenstein BearsOpen quote: Whoo! Let's go!HostOpen quote: And, in first place, is Aesop's Foibles.Oscar's friendOpen quote: Whoo!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah, we're going to get clobbered.HostOpen quote: Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- (Erin rings bell) Einsteins?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: What?Erin HannonOpen quote: What is it?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: What?Erin HannonOpen quote: I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl. (Oscar rings bell)HostOpen quote: Aesop's?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Salman Rushdie.HostOpen quote: Salman Rushdie is correct. (applause) Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? (Erin rings bell)Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless-Erin HannonOpen quote: Flying jib.HostOpen quote: Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins. (cheers and applause)
Scene 194 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Shalom. (sighs) Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. (grunt) I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. (slaps the mat, they wrestle)StuOpen quote: Grab my knee!Gabe LewisOpen quote: Yay Robert!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.
Scene 209 linesHostOpen quote: According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents.Oscar's friendOpen quote: (rings bell) Boom! ADHD!HostOpen quote: No. (another bell rings)Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!HostOpen quote: That's correct for the Einsteins. (cheers and applause)Andy BernardOpen quote: (dances) Whoo! Yeah!HostOpen quote: Sir-Andy BernardOpen quote: Go Einsteins!HostOpen quote: Dial it back, this isn't Tail Feathers, okay? (laughter)
Scene 2112 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No thank you.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Sit down, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, "table for one?" How is this possible?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: You were dining alone? All those people are you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, exactly. Riddle number two: Who is going-Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Ah-ah-ah- your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: N... it's complicated.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (holds a medal to the light) This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? (holds out medal)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's a job interview, not a flea market.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.
Scene 2213 linesHostOpen quote: Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, come on!HostOpen quote: The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? (bell rings)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Three hundred pounds!HostOpen quote: Point for the Einsteins. (applause) Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (rings bell, answers in French) Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon.Oscar's friendOpen quote: Yes!HostOpen quote: I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (rings bell) Les Jolies Choses.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Are you sure?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.HostOpen quote: The Einsteins win it! (applause)Oscar MartinezOpen quote: No! Come on!
Scene 231 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.
Scene 242 linesStonewall HostOpen quote: Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.
Scene 253 linesStonewall HostOpen quote: Riboflavin.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (holds up "Robitussin") Riboflavin?Stonewall HostOpen quote: Michigan. (Kevin holds up "A Mitten") The President of the United States is "P.O.T.U.S." (Kevin holds up "P.O.T.A.T.O.”) John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. (Kevin holds up "The California Raisins")