Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Trivia

Vol. 8 · Issue 11Scranton, PA

Andy is desperate to hit a sales goal, so he drags the whole Scranton crew to a trivia contest in Philly to win the cash prize. You'll find every awkward exchange and underdog victory in this complete breakdown, featuring every single line of dialogue from the episode. From Dwight's intense trip to Florida to the Einsteins' surprising win, all the best moments are right here.

Scene 01

12 lines
Kevin Malone
Oh yeah!
Everyone
Aw!
Dwight Schrute
Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
Oscar Martinez
You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar?
Kevin Malone
I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. (takes another bite) Oh yeah!
Jim Halpert
All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.
Andy Bernard
It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Dwight Schrute
You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane.
Jim Halpert
Okay, done.
Erin Hannon
(shows bloody hand) Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Darryl Philbin
Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... (overlapping chatter)
Jim Halpert
All right, here we go! Everybody get read in three, two, good luck, one-

Scene 02

9 lines
Andy Bernard
(writing on board) Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper?
Jim Halpert
You can write a book about chairs.
Andy Bernard
Books! Excellent, Jim.
Oscar Martinez
Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper-
Andy Bernard
(gasps) Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? (scattered applause)
Jim Halpert
Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is.
Andy Bernard
I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!
Angela Martin
Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?
Andy Bernard
Yes!

Scene 03

1 line
Andy Bernard
Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage.

Scene 04

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.

Scene 05

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute for Robert California!
Receptionist
Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all?
Dwight Schrute
I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine.
Receptionist
Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat.
Gabe Lewis
Dwight? What are you doing here?
Dwight Schrute
Gabe? You don't know?
Gabe Lewis
Course I know.
Dwight Schrute
Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office.

Scene 06

1 line
Gabe Lewis
Corporate says to me, “Gabe, we need you in Scranton.” Scranton says, “Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there.” So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying.

Scene 07

6 lines
Robert California
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Robert.
Robert California
You made it.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Robert California
Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. (Gabe laughs) Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly.
Dwight Schrute
Very good.

Scene 08

15 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to "play ball." Those were his words.
Oscar Martinez
Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error!
Andy Bernard
So make that error!
Oscar Martinez
Andy, no-
Kevin Malone
Hey! I can make that error.
Oscar Martinez
(clicks tongue) Aw...
Andy Bernard
Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that.
Kevin Malone
No, I-
Andy Bernard
It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. (to Oscar) What do you say?
Oscar Martinez
I'm leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia.
Andy Bernard
Oh.
Oscar Martinez
Any other crunch time, I would love to stay in, cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO, but tonight is Triviocalypse!
Andy Bernard
What?
Oscar Martinez
It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my friends, they're committed to me.
Andy Bernard
You know what? Go. Have fun.

Scene 09

18 lines
Andy Bernard
There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.
Jim Halpert
Stop right there. I love it.
Darryl Philbin
I'm in.
Andy Bernard
I didn't even say what it is.
Darryl Philbin
It's trivia.
Jim Halpert
In Philadelphia.
Andy Bernard
But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase...
Jim Halpert
That's a great idea.
Darryl Philbin
That's a great plan.
Andy Bernard
Yeah? You like it?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
All right.
Jim Halpert
All right, good stuff.
Andy Bernard
I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, "this sounds really stupid."
Darryl Philbin
You just made a good idea, a great idea.
Andy Bernard
There is one problem with this plan.
Darryl Philbin
What?
Andy Bernard
We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this.

Scene 10

15 lines
Gabe Lewis
(on the phone) You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. (hangs up)
Dwight Schrute
Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Gabe Lewis
Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight Schrute
Meat grinder.
Gabe Lewis
(makes buzzer sound) Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight Schrute
You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.
Robert California
Dwight. Today is not my day at all, I'm afraid. I'm not going to be able to meet with you, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO.
Dwight Schrute
But I can give you this pitch in one minute-
Robert California
No, he's going to meet with you later. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay? Trust me. Meet with Bill. He's a great person to know. I'll dialogue with him tonight. (leaves)
Gabe Lewis
CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes.
Dwight Schrute
Still an important position. Still a chief.
Gabe Lewis
You're really going to like Bill. He, uh, he has me toilet a lot of people for him. (Dwight sighs, Gabe's phone rings) Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking.
Robert California
Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard.
Gabe Lewis
Your wish is my command.
Robert California
It's a command.

Scene 11

22 lines
Oscar Martinez
I don't believe this. What are you doing here, Andy?
Andy Bernard
You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you.
Oscar Martinez
What? No!
Andy Bernard
I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it.
Oscar Martinez
And you guys thought this was a good idea?
Jim Halpert
I thought it was a fun idea.
Darryl Philbin
There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always going to- this is a gay bar.
Andy Bernard
Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay?
Oscar Martinez
Yes! It's a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now?
Everyone
No. Nah.
Oscar Martinez
What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? (laughs)
Andy Bernard
It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. (Oscar’s friend walks up) Not anything.
Oscar Martinez
Good luck.
Andy Bernard
Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves.
Meredith Palmer
Good-timers follow me.
Phyllis Vance
Backups. (Jim goes to join the backups)
Stanley Hudson
Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here.
Andy Bernard
A-team.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Andy Bernard
All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... (looks at Kevin, who has joined the A-team)
Kevin Malone
Okay. (leaves)
Jim Halpert
There's a table over here.

Scene 12

10 lines
Host
All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital?
Andy Bernard
Oh, we got this!
Creed Bratton
Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?
Stanley Hudson
Atlanta.
Phyllis Vance
Oh I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held.
Cathy
My cousins were actually at those Olympics.
Stanley Hudson
Keep talking all you want.
Kevin Malone
How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about?
Erin Hannon
Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness.
Host
Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. "Atlanta, Georgia" is the correct answer. (Kevin holds up “What is...SEE-attle”)

Scene 13

6 lines
Gabe Lewis
Hey man, uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire, so your appointment got-
Dwight Schrute
(sniffs) There's no fires within eight miles of here.
Gabe Lewis
Well, it's nine miles away. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf.
Dwight Schrute
What? No, no. Excuse me! Lady! Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant!
Receptionist
This must be very frustrating.
Gabe Lewis
I can see you in the jungle now.

Scene 14

15 lines
Host
Okay, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you?
Andy Bernard
Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine.
Jim Halpert
Shawn Marion.
Darryl Philbin
Yes, Shawn Marion.
Ryan Howard
That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington.
Jim Halpert
Wrong, for so many reasons.
Phyllis Vance
Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?
Stanley Hudson
That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river.
Kevin Malone
Ron Artest, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar.
Host
All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. "Lamar Odom" is what we were looking for. "Lamar Odom" Thank you. (scattered cheers)
Jim Halpert
Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes.
Kevin Malone
Nicely done!
Andy Bernard
You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen.
Darryl Philbin
Chill, man. This plan is airtight.

Scene 15

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it!
Receptionist
Well, you got my vote.
Dwight Schrute
Oh my God.
Gabe Lewis
I know.
Dwight Schrute
Most of all, I believe that character is destiny. And my character is one that- wait why are you smiling?
Gabe Lewis
What?
Dwight Schrute
What's with the smile?
Gabe Lewis
You're doing great. You know, so good.
Dwight Schrute
And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon, behind us.
Gabe Lewis
Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand. Flush! (Gabe makes a flushing motion, Dwight twists Gabe's arm) Ow!
Dwight Schrute
Take me to Robert.
Gabe Lewis
Ow! He went home.
Dwight Schrute
Take me to his house.
Gabe Lewis
Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing.
Dwight Schrute
You know where it is. Lead me there.
Gabe Lewis
Ow! Ow! Stephanie, help!
Dwight Schrute
Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.

Scene 16

14 lines
Host
Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder-Mifflin A-team? Excuse me, sir?
Ryan Howard
Yeah?
Host
I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... (laughter) but you can't check smart phones during trivia, it's against the rules.
Ryan Howard
Okay, I'm turning it off.
Host
Okay, you're not turning it off.
Ryan Howard
I won't look at it.
Host
Sir?
Ryan Howard
I can't- I can't not touch it.
Host
Okay, then we're going to have to take it away. (employee takes the phone) Thank you.
Ryan Howard
Look, I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone. (leaves)
Host
All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. (Oscar's team touches fingers) The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. (a team of hairy men growl) Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points.
Jim Halpert
(claps) All right.
Host
D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. (the "just-for-fun” Dunder-Mifflin team cheers) Ladies Gaga have five points. (more cheering)
Andy Bernard
So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no.

Scene 17

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Which one is it?
Gabe Lewis
I don't know. All I know is the building.
Dwight Schrute
Robert! Robert California! Robert!
Robert California
Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102.

Scene 18

19 lines
Host
All right guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait. Except for the Einsteins. That's all right. Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round. So let's get everyone some bells. In third place we have the Einsteins.
Kevin Malone
Oh yeah!
Kelly Kapoor
What! (cheers)
Host
In second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears.
Queerenstein Bears
Whoo! Let's go!
Host
And, in first place, is Aesop's Foibles.
Oscar's friend
Whoo!
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, we're going to get clobbered.
Host
Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- (Erin rings bell) Einsteins?
Meredith Palmer
What?
Erin Hannon
What is it?
Meredith Palmer
What?
Erin Hannon
I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl. (Oscar rings bell)
Host
Aesop's?
Oscar Martinez
Salman Rushdie.
Host
Salman Rushdie is correct. (applause) Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? (Erin rings bell)
Meredith Palmer
Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless-
Erin Hannon
Flying jib.
Host
Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins. (cheers and applause)

Scene 19

4 lines
Robert California
Shalom. (sighs) Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. (grunt) I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. (slaps the mat, they wrestle)
Stu
Grab my knee!
Gabe Lewis
Yay Robert!
Robert California
Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.

Scene 20

9 lines
Host
According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents.
Oscar's friend
(rings bell) Boom! ADHD!
Host
No. (another bell rings)
Meredith Palmer
Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!
Host
That's correct for the Einsteins. (cheers and applause)
Andy Bernard
(dances) Whoo! Yeah!
Host
Sir-
Andy Bernard
Go Einsteins!
Host
Dial it back, this isn't Tail Feathers, okay? (laughter)

Scene 21

12 lines
Robert California
They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?
Dwight Schrute
No thank you.
Robert California
Sit down, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, "table for one?" How is this possible?
Robert California
You were dining alone? All those people are you?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, exactly. Riddle number two: Who is going-
Robert California
Ah-ah-ah- your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?
Dwight Schrute
N... it's complicated.
Robert California
(holds a medal to the light) This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? (holds out medal)
Dwight Schrute
It's a job interview, not a flea market.
Robert California
Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.

Scene 22

13 lines
Host
Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body.
Andy Bernard
Oh, come on!
Host
The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? (bell rings)
Kevin Malone
Three hundred pounds!
Host
Point for the Einsteins. (applause) Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.
Oscar Martinez
(rings bell, answers in French) Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon.
Oscar's friend
Yes!
Host
I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.
Kevin Malone
(rings bell) Les Jolies Choses.
Meredith Palmer
Are you sure?
Kevin Malone
Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.
Host
The Einsteins win it! (applause)
Oscar Martinez
No! Come on!

Scene 23

1 line
Kevin Malone
Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.

Scene 24

2 lines
Stonewall Host
Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars!
Kevin Malone
Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.

Scene 25

3 lines
Stonewall Host
Riboflavin.
Kevin Malone
(holds up "Robitussin") Riboflavin?
Stonewall Host
Michigan. (Kevin holds up "A Mitten") The President of the United States is "P.O.T.U.S." (Kevin holds up "P.O.T.A.T.O.”) John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. (Kevin holds up "The California Raisins")