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Season 8 Episode 11

Every line from The Office episode "Trivia", season 8 episode 11.

Kevin Malone: Oh yeah!
Everyone: Aw!
Dwight Schrute: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
Oscar Martinez: You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar?
Kevin Malone: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. (takes another bite) Oh yeah!
Jim Halpert: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.
Andy Bernard: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Dwight Schrute: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane.
Jim Halpert: Okay, done.
Erin Hannon: (shows bloody hand) Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Darryl Philbin: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... (overlapping chatter)
Jim Halpert: All right, here we go! Everybody get read in three, two, good luck, one-
Andy Bernard: (writing on board) Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper?
Jim Halpert: You can write a book about chairs.
Andy Bernard: Books! Excellent, Jim.
Oscar Martinez: Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper-
Andy Bernard: (gasps) Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? (scattered applause)
Jim Halpert: Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is.
Andy Bernard: I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!
Angela Martin: Andy, you want us to buy our own paper?
Andy Bernard: Yes!
Andy Bernard: Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage.
Dwight Schrute: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute for Robert California!
Receptionist: Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all?
Dwight Schrute: I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine.
Receptionist: Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat.
Gabe Lewis: Dwight? What are you doing here?
Dwight Schrute: Gabe? You don't know?
Gabe Lewis: Course I know.
Dwight Schrute: Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office.
Gabe Lewis: Corporate says to me, “Gabe, we need you in Scranton.” Scranton says, “Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there.” So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying.
Robert California: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Robert.
Robert California: You made it.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Robert California: Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. (Gabe laughs) Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly.
Dwight Schrute: Very good.
Andy Bernard: Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to "play ball." Those were his words.
Oscar Martinez: Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error!
Andy Bernard: So make that error!
Oscar Martinez: Andy, no-
Kevin Malone: Hey! I can make that error.
Oscar Martinez: (clicks tongue) Aw...
Andy Bernard: Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that.
Kevin Malone: No, I-
Andy Bernard: It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. (to Oscar) What do you say?
Oscar Martinez: I'm leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia.
Andy Bernard: Oh.
Oscar Martinez: Any other crunch time, I would love to stay in, cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO, but tonight is Triviocalypse!
Andy Bernard: What?
Oscar Martinez: It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my friends, they're committed to me.
Andy Bernard: You know what? Go. Have fun.
Andy Bernard: There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia.
Jim Halpert: Stop right there. I love it.
Darryl Philbin: I'm in.
Andy Bernard: I didn't even say what it is.
Darryl Philbin: It's trivia.
Jim Halpert: In Philadelphia.
Andy Bernard: But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase...
Jim Halpert: That's a great idea.
Darryl Philbin: That's a great plan.
Andy Bernard: Yeah? You like it?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: All right.
Jim Halpert: All right, good stuff.
Andy Bernard: I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, "this sounds really stupid."
Darryl Philbin: You just made a good idea, a great idea.
Andy Bernard: There is one problem with this plan.
Darryl Philbin: What?
Andy Bernard: We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this.
Gabe Lewis: (on the phone) You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. (hangs up)
Dwight Schrute: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Gabe Lewis: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight Schrute: Meat grinder.
Gabe Lewis: (makes buzzer sound) Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight Schrute: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.
Robert California: Dwight. Today is not my day at all, I'm afraid. I'm not going to be able to meet with you, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO.
Dwight Schrute: But I can give you this pitch in one minute-
Robert California: No, he's going to meet with you later. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay? Trust me. Meet with Bill. He's a great person to know. I'll dialogue with him tonight. (leaves)
Gabe Lewis: CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes.
Dwight Schrute: Still an important position. Still a chief.
Gabe Lewis: You're really going to like Bill. He, uh, he has me toilet a lot of people for him. (Dwight sighs, Gabe's phone rings) Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking.
Robert California: Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard.
Gabe Lewis: Your wish is my command.
Robert California: It's a command.
Oscar Martinez: I don't believe this. What are you doing here, Andy?
Andy Bernard: You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you.
Oscar Martinez: What? No!
Andy Bernard: I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it.
Oscar Martinez: And you guys thought this was a good idea?
Jim Halpert: I thought it was a fun idea.
Darryl Philbin: There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always going to- this is a gay bar.
Andy Bernard: Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay?
Oscar Martinez: Yes! It's a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now?
Everyone: No. Nah.
Oscar Martinez: What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? (laughs)
Andy Bernard: It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. (Oscar’s friend walks up) Not anything.
Oscar Martinez: Good luck.
Andy Bernard: Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves.
Meredith Palmer: Good-timers follow me.
Phyllis Vance: Backups. (Jim goes to join the backups)
Stanley Hudson: Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here.
Andy Bernard: A-team.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Andy Bernard: All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... (looks at Kevin, who has joined the A-team)
Kevin Malone: Okay. (leaves)
Jim Halpert: There's a table over here.
Host: All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital?
Andy Bernard: Oh, we got this!
Creed Bratton: Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska?
Stanley Hudson: Atlanta.
Phyllis Vance: Oh I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held.
Cathy: My cousins were actually at those Olympics.
Stanley Hudson: Keep talking all you want.
Kevin Malone: How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about?
Erin Hannon: Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness.
Host: Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. "Atlanta, Georgia" is the correct answer. (Kevin holds up “What is...SEE-attle”)
Gabe Lewis: Hey man, uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire, so your appointment got-
Dwight Schrute: (sniffs) There's no fires within eight miles of here.
Gabe Lewis: Well, it's nine miles away. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf.
Dwight Schrute: What? No, no. Excuse me! Lady! Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant!
Receptionist: This must be very frustrating.
Gabe Lewis: I can see you in the jungle now.
Host: Okay, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you?
Andy Bernard: Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine.
Jim Halpert: Shawn Marion.
Darryl Philbin: Yes, Shawn Marion.
Ryan Howard: That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington.
Jim Halpert: Wrong, for so many reasons.
Phyllis Vance: Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful?
Stanley Hudson: That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river.
Kevin Malone: Ron Artest, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar.
Host: All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. "Lamar Odom" is what we were looking for. "Lamar Odom" Thank you. (scattered cheers)
Jim Halpert: Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes.
Kevin Malone: Nicely done!
Andy Bernard: You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen.
Darryl Philbin: Chill, man. This plan is airtight.
Dwight Schrute: So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it!
Receptionist: Well, you got my vote.
Dwight Schrute: Oh my God.
Gabe Lewis: I know.
Dwight Schrute: Most of all, I believe that character is destiny. And my character is one that- wait why are you smiling?
Gabe Lewis: What?
Dwight Schrute: What's with the smile?
Gabe Lewis: You're doing great. You know, so good.
Dwight Schrute: And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon, behind us.
Gabe Lewis: Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand. Flush! (Gabe makes a flushing motion, Dwight twists Gabe's arm) Ow!
Dwight Schrute: Take me to Robert.
Gabe Lewis: Ow! He went home.
Dwight Schrute: Take me to his house.
Gabe Lewis: Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing.
Dwight Schrute: You know where it is. Lead me there.
Gabe Lewis: Ow! Ow! Stephanie, help!
Dwight Schrute: Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.
Host: Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder-Mifflin A-team? Excuse me, sir?
Ryan Howard: Yeah?
Host: I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... (laughter) but you can't check smart phones during trivia, it's against the rules.
Ryan Howard: Okay, I'm turning it off.
Host: Okay, you're not turning it off.
Ryan Howard: I won't look at it.
Host: Sir?
Ryan Howard: I can't- I can't not touch it.
Host: Okay, then we're going to have to take it away. (employee takes the phone) Thank you.
Ryan Howard: Look, I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone. (leaves)
Host: All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. (Oscar's team touches fingers) The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. (a team of hairy men growl) Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points.
Jim Halpert: (claps) All right.
Host: D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. (the "just-for-fun” Dunder-Mifflin team cheers) Ladies Gaga have five points. (more cheering)
Andy Bernard: So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no.
Dwight Schrute: Which one is it?
Gabe Lewis: I don't know. All I know is the building.
Dwight Schrute: Robert! Robert California! Robert!
Robert California: Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102.
Host: All right guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait. Except for the Einsteins. That's all right. Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round. So let's get everyone some bells. In third place we have the Einsteins.
Kevin Malone: Oh yeah!
Kelly Kapoor: What! (cheers)
Host: In second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears.
Queerenstein Bears: Whoo! Let's go!
Host: And, in first place, is Aesop's Foibles.
Oscar's friend: Whoo!
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, we're going to get clobbered.
Host: Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- (Erin rings bell) Einsteins?
Meredith Palmer: What?
Erin Hannon: What is it?
Meredith Palmer: What?
Erin Hannon: I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl. (Oscar rings bell)
Host: Aesop's?
Oscar Martinez: Salman Rushdie.
Host: Salman Rushdie is correct. (applause) Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? (Erin rings bell)
Meredith Palmer: Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless-
Erin Hannon: Flying jib.
Host: Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins. (cheers and applause)
Robert California: Shalom. (sighs) Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. (grunt) I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. (slaps the mat, they wrestle)
Stu: Grab my knee!
Gabe Lewis: Yay Robert!
Robert California: Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge.
Host: According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents.
Oscar's friend: (rings bell) Boom! ADHD!
Host: No. (another bell rings)
Meredith Palmer: Wrong. The answer is dyslexia!
Host: That's correct for the Einsteins. (cheers and applause)
Andy Bernard: (dances) Whoo! Yeah!
Host: Sir-
Andy Bernard: Go Einsteins!
Host: Dial it back, this isn't Tail Feathers, okay? (laughter)
Robert California: They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they?
Dwight Schrute: No thank you.
Robert California: Sit down, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, "table for one?" How is this possible?
Robert California: You were dining alone? All those people are you?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, exactly. Riddle number two: Who is going-
Robert California: Ah-ah-ah- your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right?
Dwight Schrute: N... it's complicated.
Robert California: (holds a medal to the light) This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? (holds out medal)
Dwight Schrute: It's a job interview, not a flea market.
Robert California: Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Host: Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body.
Andy Bernard: Oh, come on!
Host: The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? (bell rings)
Kevin Malone: Three hundred pounds!
Host: Point for the Einsteins. (applause) Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray.
Oscar Martinez: (rings bell, answers in French) Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon.
Oscar's friend: Yes!
Host: I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins.
Kevin Malone: (rings bell) Les Jolies Choses.
Meredith Palmer: Are you sure?
Kevin Malone: Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film.
Host: The Einsteins win it! (applause)
Oscar Martinez: No! Come on!
Kevin Malone: Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one.
Stonewall Host: Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars!
Kevin Malone: Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home.
Stonewall Host: Riboflavin.
Kevin Malone: (holds up "Robitussin") Riboflavin?
Stonewall Host: Michigan. (Kevin holds up "A Mitten") The President of the United States is "P.O.T.U.S." (Kevin holds up "P.O.T.A.T.O.”) John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. (Kevin holds up "The California Raisins")

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 11 season 8. Trivia is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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