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Season 8 Episode 12
Pool Party

Every line from The Office episode "Pool Party", season 8 episode 12.

Dwight Schrute: Oh, ugh. (stands and looks at meatball in chair) What is this, a meatball? Really? (Stanley laughs)
Jim Halpert: It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- (opens drawer full of meatballs)
Stanley Hudson: You've been meatballed! (laughs)
Dwight Schrute: Ugh.
Stanley Hudson: Are you ready for some meatball?
Dwight Schrute: Aw, man. (Stanley laughs) This is not very clever, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I know.
Stanley Hudson: Look for your stapler!
Dwight Schrute: (Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball) Really Jim? Really? Very funny.
Stanley Hudson: (to Phyllis) Oh okay. Good night. (climbs in to Dwight's car) What's the haul?
Dwight Schrute: Thirty-two meatballs.
Stanley Hudson: Good day.
Dwight Schrute: That idiot's been feeding us for a week.
Stanley Hudson: We'll never have to buy meatballs again.
Erin Hannon: (phone rings) Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear.
Erin Hannon: I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.
Erin Hannon: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay.
Andy Bernard: Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom.
Andy Bernard: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...
Jim Halpert: (Robert is looking at pictures of a house online) Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, who needs a house that size?
Dwight Schrute: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.
Robert California: I'm selling the house, actually.
Jim Halpert: You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent.
Robert California: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. (Jim laughs) Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke.
Robert California: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?
Jim Halpert: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing.
Robert California: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it.
Andy Bernard: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.
Robert California: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.
Andy Bernard: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.
Kevin Malone: Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? (Robert laughs)
Oscar Martinez: Kevin, no.
Robert California: What, as some sort of last hoorah?
Kevin Malone: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.
Robert California: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.
Kevin Malone: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?
Oscar Martinez: That was you, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: It was me.
Meredith Palmer: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift.
Erin Hannon: Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever.
Meredith Palmer: It's no problem. You live right near me.
Erin Hannon: How do you know where I live?
Meredith Palmer: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.
Erin Hannon: Why?
Meredith Palmer: He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.
Erin Hannon: Oh. Come on.
Erin Hannon: Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. (squeaks)
Angela Martin: (sticks a hand in the pool) Oh, it is warm.
Cathy: It's almost too warm.
Gabe Lewis: I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half.
Ryan Howard: Oh, so close. Eighty-one.
Gabe Lewis: (to Cathy) Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret.
Cathy: (to Jim) Hey, late guy.
Jim Halpert: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.
Andy Bernard: Oh.
Jim Halpert: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.
Jim Halpert: You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine.
Jim Halpert: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way.
Robert California: You should see the whole thing.
Jim Halpert: I bet I should. (takes cell phone photo) That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you.
Robert California: I'm just about to give the tour.
Jim Halpert: All right-
Robert California: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.
Jim Halpert: I must...
Jessica: (looks at pool) Wow.
Andy Bernard: (hides ring) Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage.
Jessica: (sees Andy's hand in his pocket) What are you doing?
Andy Bernard: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. (they both laugh)
Jessica: Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?
Andy Bernard: No, I'm good.
Erin Hannon: (runs to Andy) Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.
Andy Bernard: Hi.
Erin Hannon: How is everything? How's your car?
Andy Bernard: It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.
Erin Hannon: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?
Andy Bernard: Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.
Erin Hannon: Oh, like a goodbye trip.
Andy Bernard: No. What?
Jessica: Hey.
Erin Hannon: Hi.
Erin Hannon: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.
Darryl Philbin: Val. You made it.
Val: Yup, yup.
Darryl Philbin: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that?
Val: You know, you are just as dumb at night.
Darryl Philbin: Mmm. (they clink cups)
Andy Bernard: All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath.
Jessica: No, show me.
Andy Bernard: Okay.
Jessica: Dive in right here.
Andy Bernard: In a minute. In a minute.
Jessica: Okay. You don't know what you're doing.
Andy Bernard: A minute would be cool.
Erin Hannon: Hey, Dwight Snoot.
Dwight Schrute: What-
Erin Hannon: What you doing?
Dwight Schrute: I'm relaxing. Scram. (pushes her)
Erin Hannon: Ow.
Andy Bernard: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?
Stanley Hudson: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them.
Andy Bernard: Where... (finds pants, looks for ring)
Erin Hannon: Come on, don't you want to play?
Dwight Schrute: Oh really?
Erin Hannon: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? (kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams)
Kevin Malone: Whoa.
Angela Martin: Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!
Robert California: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.
Oscar Martinez: (sees wine collection) Holy cow!
Robert California: Wine collection.
Oscar Martinez: How many bottles? Three hundred?
Robert California: (laughs) About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers.
Oscar Martinez: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.
Toby Flenderson: Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau.
Ryan Howard: Robert, you are too kind.
Robert California: Oh.
Gabe Lewis: Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.
Ryan Howard: With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me.
Gabe Lewis: And Gabe-y makes three.
Jim Halpert: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical.
Robert California: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it.
Jim Halpert: Really? Why?
Robert California: I don't know. Maybe not. Just come.
Erin Hannon: (Dwight dunks her) Oh!
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?
Erin Hannon: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. (he picks her up)
Erin Hannon: (giggles) Oh Dwight!
Erin Hannon: (giggles) Stop.
Dwight Schrute: You stop.
Erin Hannon: No, you stop.
Dwight Schrute: No, you stop.
Erin Hannon: (to camera) Is he looking? (shakes her head) Oh. You can stop.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, you can stop.
Erin Hannon: No, no, no, he's not looking.
Dwight Schrute: No, you can stop.
Erin Hannon: You can actually stop.
Kelly Kapoor: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this?
Meredith Palmer: The main stone's missing.
Kelly Kapoor: I don't know. It looks pretty great to me.
Robert California: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan.
Jim Halpert: Good night.
Oscar Martinez: (raises wine bottle) To the kitchen!
Everyone: To the kitchen!
Robert California: To the kitchen. Onward!
Oscar Martinez: Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?
Toby Flenderson: Note? It's a symphony.
Oscar Martinez: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club.
Toby Flenderson: I would love that.
Toby Flenderson: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?
Darryl Philbin: (to Val) You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it.
Meredith Palmer: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice.
Val: You in?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in.
Darryl Philbin: I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.
Dwight Schrute: (he and Erin feed each other chips) Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah...
Erin Hannon: Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it.
Erin Hannon: What is the most romantic possible thing?
Dwight Schrute: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Erin Hannon: Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you.
Both: Yes! (they high five and jump in the pool)
Angela Martin: You're in my way!
Erin Hannon: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all.
Dwight Schrute: Chicken fight!
Andy Bernard: No thanks.
Erin Hannon: Dang it! What the heck already?
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight!
Cathy: Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?
Kevin Malone: I'm right here! (gets in pool) Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah- oh!
Erin Hannon: (knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders) Yes! Woo!
Dwight Schrute: Woohoo! Yes!
Erin Hannon: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.
Dwight Schrute: I know. I could just bang you right now.
Erin Hannon: He's not looking. (Dwight dumps her in the pool) Hey!
Robert California: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.
Jim Halpert: To both these bears.
Ryan Howard: To both these bears.
Toby Flenderson: Bears.
Oscar Martinez: To both these bears.
Robert California: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden (bleep) Pond.
Ryan Howard: I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema.
Gabe Lewis: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.
Andy Bernard: Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it.
Andy Bernard: I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?
Kelly Kapoor: Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about?
Andy Bernard: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I don't think you're being silly.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh God. (takes off ring)
Andy Bernard: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.
Phyllis Vance: (snatches ring) Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it.
Jessica: (to Andy) Come on. Let's chicken fight those two.
Val: (comes up from under water) How was that?
Kevin Malone: Okay. Watch my toes. (does hand stand)
Darryl Philbin: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.
Val: No, I'm good. Thank you.
Darryl Philbin: Cool.
Val: Cool. (to Kevin) Does Darryl not swim?
Kevin Malone: That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.
Jessica: (knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders) Yes!
Andy Bernard: Yeah!
Dwight Schrute: (to Erin) Maybe we should take a little break.
Erin Hannon: Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Erin Hannon: One more?
Andy Bernard: Yeah!
Jessica: Yeah! Great! (others cheer and clap)
Erin Hannon: Mush, mush, mush! Come on!
Dwight Schrute: Go!
Erin Hannon: Go! Okay. Yeah.
Jessica: Here we go! (knocks Erin over) Yes!
Andy Bernard: Yay! (Erin comes back up) Whoa!
Kevin Malone: Wow!
Andy Bernard: I cannot believe you're still up!
Jessica: I cannot believe it either.
Erin Hannon: I've got this! (Dwight gasps) Charge! Go! Go! (Dwight sinks)
Andy Bernard: (muffled) Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-
Dwight Schrute: (coughs up water) Erin, did we win?
Erin Hannon: Sure. Sure we did.
Dwight Schrute: You're lying. We didn't win.
Erin Hannon: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest.
Kelly Kapoor: You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. (Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat)
Angela Martin: We're in the pool!
Meredith Palmer: Shut it, Angela.
Dwight Schrute: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday.
Andy Bernard: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday.
Dwight Schrute: I know. (laughs) But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation.
Andy Bernard: Mmm.
Dwight Schrute: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin.
Andy Bernard: Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.
Dwight Schrute: Not what I asked.
Andy Bernard: We're done. Erin and I are over.
Dwight Schrute: So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex.
Andy Bernard: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) You're an idiot.
Kevin Malone: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! (Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles)
Erin Hannon: Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Kevin Malone: No!
Val: Oh I've got him!
Darryl Philbin: Cannonball! (jumps in pool) Let's do this!
Andy Bernard: (Erin swims up with ring) Wow.
Erin Hannon: So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?
Erin Hannon: The Bernard family seal. Duh.
Andy Bernard: Duh.
Erin Hannon: Sorry if your special night was ruined.
Andy Bernard: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night.
Erin Hannon: Oh, you weren't going to do that?
Andy Bernard: Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you.
Erin Hannon: Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.
Robert California: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.
Jim Halpert: To madness.
Ryan Howard: To madness.
Toby Flenderson: To madness. (Robert laughs)
Meredith Palmer: To madness.
Jim Halpert: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?
Meredith Palmer: Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.
Jim Halpert: Are you serious?
Ryan Howard: Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man.
Gabe Lewis: And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like.
Oscar Martinez: (Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth) Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine!
Toby Flenderson: And I am Bacchus's friend!
Robert California: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. (Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him)
Everyone: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!
Jim Halpert: And there's my talking point.
Robert California: Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going.
Ryan Howard: Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave.
Gabe Lewis: So leave.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 12 season 8. Pool Party is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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