Scene 011 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, ugh. (stands and looks at meatball in chair) What is this, a meatball? Really? (Stanley laughs)
Scene 021 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird.
Scene 038 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- (opens drawer full of meatballs)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You've been meatballed! (laughs)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ugh.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Are you ready for some meatball?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Aw, man. (Stanley laughs) This is not very clever, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Look for your stapler!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball) Really Jim? Really? Very funny.
Scene 043 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: (to Phyllis) Oh okay. Good night. (climbs in to Dwight's car) What's the haul?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thirty-two meatballs.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Good day.
Scene 052 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: That idiot's been feeding us for a week.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: We'll never have to buy meatballs again.
Scene 061 lineErin HannonOpen quote: (phone rings) Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear.
Scene 071 lineErin HannonOpen quote: I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.
Scene 082 linesErin HannonOpen quote: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom.
Scene 091 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...
Scene 1021 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Robert is looking at pictures of a house online) Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Oh, who needs a house that size?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I'm selling the house, actually.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. (Jim laughs) Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? (Robert laughs)Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Kevin, no.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: What, as some sort of last hoorah?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: That was you, Kevin.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: It was me.
Scene 118 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: It's no problem. You live right near me.Erin HannonOpen quote: How do you know where I live?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.Erin HannonOpen quote: Why?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh. Come on.
Scene 121 lineErin HannonOpen quote: Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. (squeaks)
Scene 139 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: (sticks a hand in the pool) Oh, it is warm.CathyOpen quote: It's almost too warm.Gabe LewisOpen quote: I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Oh, so close. Eighty-one.Gabe LewisOpen quote: (to Cathy) Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret.CathyOpen quote: (to Jim) Hey, late guy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.
Scene 141 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine.
Scene 157 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: You should see the whole thing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I bet I should. (takes cell phone photo) That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I'm just about to give the tour.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right-Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I must...
Scene 1616 linesJessicaOpen quote: (looks at pool) Wow.Andy BernardOpen quote: (hides ring) Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage.JessicaOpen quote: (sees Andy's hand in his pocket) What are you doing?Andy BernardOpen quote: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. (they both laugh)JessicaOpen quote: Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?Andy BernardOpen quote: No, I'm good.Erin HannonOpen quote: (runs to Andy) Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hi.Erin HannonOpen quote: How is everything? How's your car?Andy BernardOpen quote: It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.Erin HannonOpen quote: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, like a goodbye trip.Andy BernardOpen quote: No. What?JessicaOpen quote: Hey.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hi.
Scene 171 lineErin HannonOpen quote: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.
Scene 1826 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Val. You made it.ValOpen quote: Yup, yup.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that?ValOpen quote: You know, you are just as dumb at night.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Mmm. (they clink cups)Andy BernardOpen quote: All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath.JessicaOpen quote: No, show me.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay.JessicaOpen quote: Dive in right here.Andy BernardOpen quote: In a minute. In a minute.JessicaOpen quote: Okay. You don't know what you're doing.Andy BernardOpen quote: A minute would be cool.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hey, Dwight Snoot.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What-Erin HannonOpen quote: What you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm relaxing. Scram. (pushes her)Erin HannonOpen quote: Ow.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them.Andy BernardOpen quote: Where... (finds pants, looks for ring)Erin HannonOpen quote: Come on, don't you want to play?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh really?Erin HannonOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? (kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Whoa.Angela MartinOpen quote: Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!
Scene 1916 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (sees wine collection) Holy cow!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Wine collection.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: How many bottles? Three hundred?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (laughs) About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Robert, you are too kind.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Oh.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.Ryan HowardOpen quote: With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me.Gabe LewisOpen quote: And Gabe-y makes three.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really? Why?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I don't know. Maybe not. Just come.
Scene 205 linesErin HannonOpen quote: (Dwight dunks her) Oh!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (laughs) You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?Erin HannonOpen quote: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. (he picks her up)Erin HannonOpen quote: (giggles) Oh Dwight!
Scene 2112 linesErin HannonOpen quote: (giggles) Stop.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You stop.Erin HannonOpen quote: No, you stop.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, you stop.Erin HannonOpen quote: (to camera) Is he looking? (shakes her head) Oh. You can stop.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, you can stop.Erin HannonOpen quote: No, no, no, he's not looking.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, you can stop.Erin HannonOpen quote: You can actually stop.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: The main stone's missing.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I don't know. It looks pretty great to me.
Scene 229 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Good night.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (raises wine bottle) To the kitchen!EveryoneOpen quote: To the kitchen!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: To the kitchen. Onward!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Note? It's a symphony.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I would love that.
Scene 231 lineToby FlendersonOpen quote: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?
Scene 244 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: (to Val) You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice.ValOpen quote: You in?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in.
Scene 251 lineDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.
Scene 2615 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (he and Erin feed each other chips) Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah...Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Damn it.Erin HannonOpen quote: What is the most romantic possible thing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.Erin HannonOpen quote: Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you.BothOpen quote: Yes! (they high five and jump in the pool)Angela MartinOpen quote: You're in my way!Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Chicken fight!Andy BernardOpen quote: No thanks.Erin HannonOpen quote: Dang it! What the heck already?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight!CathyOpen quote: Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I'm right here! (gets in pool) Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.
Scene 276 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah- oh!Erin HannonOpen quote: (knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders) Yes! Woo!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Woohoo! Yes!Erin HannonOpen quote: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know. I could just bang you right now.Erin HannonOpen quote: He's not looking. (Dwight dumps her in the pool) Hey!
Scene 285 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.Jim HalpertOpen quote: To both these bears.Ryan HowardOpen quote: To both these bears.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Bears.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: To both these bears.
Scene 293 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden (bleep) Pond.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema.Gabe LewisOpen quote: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.
Scene 3017 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it.Andy BernardOpen quote: I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about?Andy BernardOpen quote: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh, I don't think you're being silly.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh God. (takes off ring)Andy BernardOpen quote: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (snatches ring) Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it.JessicaOpen quote: (to Andy) Come on. Let's chicken fight those two.ValOpen quote: (comes up from under water) How was that?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Okay. Watch my toes. (does hand stand)Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.ValOpen quote: No, I'm good. Thank you.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Cool.ValOpen quote: Cool. (to Kevin) Does Darryl not swim?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.
Scene 3118 linesJessicaOpen quote: (knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders) Yes!Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (to Erin) Maybe we should take a little break.Erin HannonOpen quote: Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay.Erin HannonOpen quote: One more?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah!JessicaOpen quote: Yeah! Great! (others cheer and clap)Erin HannonOpen quote: Mush, mush, mush! Come on!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Go!Erin HannonOpen quote: Go! Okay. Yeah.JessicaOpen quote: Here we go! (knocks Erin over) Yes!Andy BernardOpen quote: Yay! (Erin comes back up) Whoa!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Wow!Andy BernardOpen quote: I cannot believe you're still up!JessicaOpen quote: I cannot believe it either.Erin HannonOpen quote: I've got this! (Dwight gasps) Charge! Go! Go! (Dwight sinks)Andy BernardOpen quote: (muffled) Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-
Scene 324 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (coughs up water) Erin, did we win?Erin HannonOpen quote: Sure. Sure we did.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You're lying. We didn't win.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest.
Scene 333 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. (Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat)Angela MartinOpen quote: We're in the pool!Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Shut it, Angela.
Scene 3416 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday.Andy BernardOpen quote: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know. (laughs) But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation.Andy BernardOpen quote: Mmm.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin.Andy BernardOpen quote: Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not what I asked.Andy BernardOpen quote: We're done. Erin and I are over.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex.Andy BernardOpen quote: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (sighs) You're an idiot.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! (Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles)Erin HannonOpen quote: Uh-uh. Uh-uh.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No!ValOpen quote: Oh I've got him!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Cannonball! (jumps in pool) Let's do this!
Scene 359 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (Erin swims up with ring) Wow.Erin HannonOpen quote: So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?Erin HannonOpen quote: The Bernard family seal. Duh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Duh.Erin HannonOpen quote: Sorry if your special night was ruined.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, you weren't going to do that?Andy BernardOpen quote: Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you.
Scene 361 lineErin HannonOpen quote: Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.
Scene 3715 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.Jim HalpertOpen quote: To madness.Ryan HowardOpen quote: To madness.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: To madness. (Robert laughs)Meredith PalmerOpen quote: To madness.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are you serious?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man.Gabe LewisOpen quote: And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth) Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: And I am Bacchus's friend!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. (Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him)EveryoneOpen quote: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!Jim HalpertOpen quote: And there's my talking point.
Scene 383 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave.Gabe LewisOpen quote: So leave.