Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Pool Party

Vol. 8 · Issue 12Scranton, PA

Robert California is hosting one last blowout at his massive mansion, and every single line from the script is right here for you. Watch as Erin tries to make Andy jealous by flirting with Dwight while Jim desperately tries to find a way to sneak out early. It’s all the wine, meatball pranks, and skinny-dipping madness you remember from the party.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Oh, ugh. (stands and looks at meatball in chair) What is this, a meatball? Really? (Stanley laughs)

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird.

Scene 03

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- (opens drawer full of meatballs)
Stanley Hudson
You've been meatballed! (laughs)
Dwight Schrute
Ugh.
Stanley Hudson
Are you ready for some meatball?
Dwight Schrute
Aw, man. (Stanley laughs) This is not very clever, Jim.
Jim Halpert
I know.
Stanley Hudson
Look for your stapler!
Dwight Schrute
(Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball) Really Jim? Really? Very funny.

Scene 04

3 lines
Stanley Hudson
(to Phyllis) Oh okay. Good night. (climbs in to Dwight's car) What's the haul?
Dwight Schrute
Thirty-two meatballs.
Stanley Hudson
Good day.

Scene 05

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
That idiot's been feeding us for a week.
Stanley Hudson
We'll never have to buy meatballs again.

Scene 06

1 line
Erin Hannon
(phone rings) Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear.

Scene 07

1 line
Erin Hannon
I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.

Scene 08

2 lines
Erin Hannon
I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay.
Andy Bernard
Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom.

Scene 09

1 line
Andy Bernard
My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...

Scene 10

21 lines
Jim Halpert
(Robert is looking at pictures of a house online) Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, who needs a house that size?
Dwight Schrute
Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.
Robert California
I'm selling the house, actually.
Jim Halpert
You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent.
Robert California
It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. (Jim laughs) Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke.
Robert California
What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?
Jim Halpert
I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing.
Robert California
Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it.
Andy Bernard
Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.
Robert California
A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.
Andy Bernard
Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.
Kevin Malone
Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? (Robert laughs)
Oscar Martinez
Kevin, no.
Robert California
What, as some sort of last hoorah?
Kevin Malone
Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.
Robert California
You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.
Kevin Malone
Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?
Oscar Martinez
That was you, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
It was me.

Scene 11

8 lines
Meredith Palmer
You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift.
Erin Hannon
Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever.
Meredith Palmer
It's no problem. You live right near me.
Erin Hannon
How do you know where I live?
Meredith Palmer
Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.
Erin Hannon
Why?
Meredith Palmer
He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.
Erin Hannon
Oh. Come on.

Scene 12

1 line
Erin Hannon
Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. (squeaks)

Scene 13

9 lines
Angela Martin
(sticks a hand in the pool) Oh, it is warm.
Cathy
It's almost too warm.
Gabe Lewis
I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half.
Ryan Howard
Oh, so close. Eighty-one.
Gabe Lewis
(to Cathy) Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret.
Cathy
(to Jim) Hey, late guy.
Jim Halpert
Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.
Andy Bernard
Oh.
Jim Halpert
DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.

Scene 14

1 line
Jim Halpert
You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine.

Scene 15

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way.
Robert California
You should see the whole thing.
Jim Halpert
I bet I should. (takes cell phone photo) That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you.
Robert California
I'm just about to give the tour.
Jim Halpert
All right-
Robert California
Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.
Jim Halpert
I must...

Scene 16

16 lines
Jessica
(looks at pool) Wow.
Andy Bernard
(hides ring) Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage.
Jessica
(sees Andy's hand in his pocket) What are you doing?
Andy Bernard
Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. (they both laugh)
Jessica
Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?
Andy Bernard
No, I'm good.
Erin Hannon
(runs to Andy) Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.
Andy Bernard
Hi.
Erin Hannon
How is everything? How's your car?
Andy Bernard
It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.
Erin Hannon
Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?
Andy Bernard
Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.
Erin Hannon
Oh, like a goodbye trip.
Andy Bernard
No. What?
Jessica
Hey.
Erin Hannon
Hi.

Scene 17

1 line
Erin Hannon
I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.

Scene 18

26 lines
Darryl Philbin
Val. You made it.
Val
Yup, yup.
Darryl Philbin
Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that?
Val
You know, you are just as dumb at night.
Darryl Philbin
Mmm. (they clink cups)
Andy Bernard
All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath.
Jessica
No, show me.
Andy Bernard
Okay.
Jessica
Dive in right here.
Andy Bernard
In a minute. In a minute.
Jessica
Okay. You don't know what you're doing.
Andy Bernard
A minute would be cool.
Erin Hannon
Hey, Dwight Snoot.
Dwight Schrute
What-
Erin Hannon
What you doing?
Dwight Schrute
I'm relaxing. Scram. (pushes her)
Erin Hannon
Ow.
Andy Bernard
Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?
Stanley Hudson
I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them.
Andy Bernard
Where... (finds pants, looks for ring)
Erin Hannon
Come on, don't you want to play?
Dwight Schrute
Oh really?
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, you want to play you little hick? (kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams)
Kevin Malone
Whoa.
Angela Martin
Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!

Scene 19

16 lines
Robert California
Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.
Oscar Martinez
(sees wine collection) Holy cow!
Robert California
Wine collection.
Oscar Martinez
How many bottles? Three hundred?
Robert California
(laughs) About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers.
Oscar Martinez
Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.
Toby Flenderson
Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau.
Ryan Howard
Robert, you are too kind.
Robert California
Oh.
Gabe Lewis
Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.
Ryan Howard
With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me.
Gabe Lewis
And Gabe-y makes three.
Jim Halpert
Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical.
Robert California
Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it.
Jim Halpert
Really? Why?
Robert California
I don't know. Maybe not. Just come.

Scene 20

5 lines
Erin Hannon
(Dwight dunks her) Oh!
Dwight Schrute
(laughs) You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?
Erin Hannon
Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. (he picks her up)
Erin Hannon
(giggles) Oh Dwight!

Scene 21

12 lines
Erin Hannon
(giggles) Stop.
Dwight Schrute
You stop.
Erin Hannon
No, you stop.
Dwight Schrute
No, you stop.
Erin Hannon
(to camera) Is he looking? (shakes her head) Oh. You can stop.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, you can stop.
Erin Hannon
No, no, no, he's not looking.
Dwight Schrute
No, you can stop.
Erin Hannon
You can actually stop.
Kelly Kapoor
Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this?
Meredith Palmer
The main stone's missing.
Kelly Kapoor
I don't know. It looks pretty great to me.

Scene 22

9 lines
Robert California
I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan.
Jim Halpert
Good night.
Oscar Martinez
(raises wine bottle) To the kitchen!
Everyone
To the kitchen!
Robert California
To the kitchen. Onward!
Oscar Martinez
Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?
Toby Flenderson
Note? It's a symphony.
Oscar Martinez
Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club.
Toby Flenderson
I would love that.

Scene 23

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?

Scene 24

4 lines
Darryl Philbin
(to Val) You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it.
Meredith Palmer
You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice.
Val
You in?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in.

Scene 25

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.

Scene 26

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
(he and Erin feed each other chips) Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah...
Erin Hannon
Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end.
Dwight Schrute
Damn it.
Erin Hannon
What is the most romantic possible thing?
Dwight Schrute
We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Erin Hannon
Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you.
Both
Yes! (they high five and jump in the pool)
Angela Martin
You're in my way!
Erin Hannon
Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all.
Dwight Schrute
Chicken fight!
Andy Bernard
No thanks.
Erin Hannon
Dang it! What the heck already?
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight!
Cathy
Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?
Kevin Malone
I'm right here! (gets in pool) Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.

Scene 27

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Yeah- oh!
Erin Hannon
(knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders) Yes! Woo!
Dwight Schrute
Woohoo! Yes!
Erin Hannon
Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.
Dwight Schrute
I know. I could just bang you right now.
Erin Hannon
He's not looking. (Dwight dumps her in the pool) Hey!

Scene 28

5 lines
Robert California
I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.
Jim Halpert
To both these bears.
Ryan Howard
To both these bears.
Toby Flenderson
Bears.
Oscar Martinez
To both these bears.

Scene 29

3 lines
Robert California
When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden (bleep) Pond.
Ryan Howard
I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema.
Gabe Lewis
Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.

Scene 30

17 lines
Andy Bernard
Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it.
Andy Bernard
I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?
Kelly Kapoor
Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about?
Andy Bernard
The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, I don't think you're being silly.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh God. (takes off ring)
Andy Bernard
You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.
Phyllis Vance
(snatches ring) Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it.
Jessica
(to Andy) Come on. Let's chicken fight those two.
Val
(comes up from under water) How was that?
Kevin Malone
Okay. Watch my toes. (does hand stand)
Darryl Philbin
Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.
Val
No, I'm good. Thank you.
Darryl Philbin
Cool.
Val
Cool. (to Kevin) Does Darryl not swim?
Kevin Malone
That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.

Scene 31

18 lines
Jessica
(knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders) Yes!
Andy Bernard
Yeah!
Dwight Schrute
(to Erin) Maybe we should take a little break.
Erin Hannon
Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Erin Hannon
One more?
Andy Bernard
Yeah!
Jessica
Yeah! Great! (others cheer and clap)
Erin Hannon
Mush, mush, mush! Come on!
Dwight Schrute
Go!
Erin Hannon
Go! Okay. Yeah.
Jessica
Here we go! (knocks Erin over) Yes!
Andy Bernard
Yay! (Erin comes back up) Whoa!
Kevin Malone
Wow!
Andy Bernard
I cannot believe you're still up!
Jessica
I cannot believe it either.
Erin Hannon
I've got this! (Dwight gasps) Charge! Go! Go! (Dwight sinks)
Andy Bernard
(muffled) Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-

Scene 32

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(coughs up water) Erin, did we win?
Erin Hannon
Sure. Sure we did.
Dwight Schrute
You're lying. We didn't win.
Erin Hannon
Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest.

Scene 33

3 lines
Kelly Kapoor
You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. (Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat)
Angela Martin
We're in the pool!
Meredith Palmer
Shut it, Angela.

Scene 34

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday.
Andy Bernard
Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday.
Dwight Schrute
I know. (laughs) But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation.
Andy Bernard
Mmm.
Dwight Schrute
So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin.
Andy Bernard
Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.
Dwight Schrute
Not what I asked.
Andy Bernard
We're done. Erin and I are over.
Dwight Schrute
So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex.
Andy Bernard
Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) You're an idiot.
Kevin Malone
Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! (Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles)
Erin Hannon
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Kevin Malone
No!
Val
Oh I've got him!
Darryl Philbin
Cannonball! (jumps in pool) Let's do this!

Scene 35

9 lines
Andy Bernard
(Erin swims up with ring) Wow.
Erin Hannon
So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?
Erin Hannon
The Bernard family seal. Duh.
Andy Bernard
Duh.
Erin Hannon
Sorry if your special night was ruined.
Andy Bernard
Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night.
Erin Hannon
Oh, you weren't going to do that?
Andy Bernard
Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you.

Scene 36

1 line
Erin Hannon
Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.

Scene 37

15 lines
Robert California
And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.
Jim Halpert
To madness.
Ryan Howard
To madness.
Toby Flenderson
To madness. (Robert laughs)
Meredith Palmer
To madness.
Jim Halpert
Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?
Meredith Palmer
Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.
Jim Halpert
Are you serious?
Ryan Howard
Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man.
Gabe Lewis
And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like.
Oscar Martinez
(Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth) Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine!
Toby Flenderson
And I am Bacchus's friend!
Robert California
Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. (Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him)
Everyone
Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!
Jim Halpert
And there's my talking point.

Scene 38

3 lines
Robert California
Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going.
Ryan Howard
Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave.
Gabe Lewis
So leave.