Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Jury Duty

Vol. 8 · Issue 13Scranton, PA

Jim finds himself in hot water after faking a week of jury duty, while Angela introduces a baby that is definitely not premature. You can read through every line of the script right here to see how Jim tries to win back the office with some questionable toddler drawings. It's a classic Dunder Mifflin mess involving empanadas, "Connecticut cover-ups," and Dwight's realization about baby Philip.

Scene 01

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Val, I need the space.
Val
All right guys, clear out.
Andy Bernard
Everybody out.
Val
Promise me you're going to clean up.
Andy Bernard
I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.
Val
Promise me that-
Andy Bernard
Obviously I'm going to clean up.

Scene 02

1 line
Andy Bernard
Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, "Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance," and then you have to be like, "Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!" And then... we dance. Oh how we dance. (dances to Kenny Loggin's Footloose) Sex also works.

Scene 03

19 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey! Jim's back from jury duty.
Andy Bernard
Hey! Tuna! He's back.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Oh, look at this. (hugs Jim) Tuna wrap.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Andy Bernard
(grabs Jim's wrist) Hand roll.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Phyllis Vance
How was jury duty?
Jim Halpert
It was pretty uneventful, actually.
Dwight Schrute
Can't believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.
Erin Hannon
What was the case?
Jim Halpert
Uh, hit and run.
Erin Hannon
Ooh, "the case of the hit and run," that's exciting.
Phyllis Vance
Did you send him to the slammer?
Jim Halpert
Nope. Not guilty.
Dwight Schrute
Of course you found him not guilty. (mocking voice) "Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, mm."
Jim Halpert
We're best friends, actually. We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come.
Dwight Schrute
Not coming, have plans.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn't think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened.

Scene 05

18 lines
Erin Hannon
Ah! Angela had the baby!
Kevin Malone
Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious.
Darryl Philbin
Why?
Kevin Malone
You know.
Darryl Philbin
Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?
Kevin Malone
A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up.
Ryan Howard
Eh, a little bit.
Kevin Malone
Oh, did I win the pool?
Erin Hannon
Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.
Oscar Martinez
Well no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month.
Erin Hannon
We should all go to the hospital and visit her.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, I'd love to but, um-
Jim Halpert
Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work.
Oscar Martinez
Well Kevin and I have to go, Accounting is its own little family.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.
Gabe Lewis
Everyone, our very own Angela-
Oscar Martinez
We all got the email, some of us are going to go visit.
Gabe Lewis
Oh, I am so in.

Scene 06

1 line
Gabe Lewis
I love maternity wards. It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.

Scene 07

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?
Jim Halpert
Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so-
Meredith Palmer
How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.
Stanley Hudson
Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.
Jim Halpert
Wow, I'm really sorry.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.

Scene 09

5 lines
Jim Halpert
(demonstrating with napkin holder and salt shaker) So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually.
Toby Flenderson
You know, when I was on j-duty, uh, Strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto's.
Jim Halpert
Oh man, Ernesto's. That was our favorite restaurant too.
Toby Flenderson
You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.
Meredith Palmer
Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants.

Scene 11

15 lines
Oscar Martinez
(whispering) Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don't know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It's going to be really tiny, so please don't say anything offensive.
Kevin Malone
Got that, bimbo?
Erin Hannon
Got it, bimbo. (Oscar knocks at the door)
Angela Martin
Yes?
Oscar Martinez
Knock, knock. Oh!
Kevin Malone
Hi!
Angela Martin
Oh... I don't- I don't want any- what are you guys doing here?
Oscar Martinez
We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite.
The Senator
Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.
Kevin Malone
Phillip is so fat.
Oscar Martinez
Kevin!
Kevin Malone
You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.
Angela Martin
Hey.
The Senator
Yes, he's substantial.
Erin Hannon
He's more than substantial. He's a monster.

Scene 12

21 lines
Dwight Schrute
So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop...
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. (villainous laugh) Busted, Halpert!
Jim Halpert
Okay, wait, wait.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! Andy, get out here.
Jim Halpert
No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you.
Dwight Schrute
I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.
Andy Bernard
What's up, gangstas?
Dwight Schrute
Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
Andy Bernard
Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.
Dwight Schrute
I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-
Andy Bernard
No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.
Dwight Schrute
I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill.
Andy Bernard
Here, right there. (mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass) Down the hatch.
Dwight Schrute
I really don't want to take the chill pill. (mimes taking pill)
Andy Bernard
Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, okay. (sits, exhales) But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu. (Jim laughs nervously)
Dwight Schrute
That's good enough for me. (exhales again)

Scene 13

10 lines
Jim Halpert
...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you.
Andy Bernard
I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before.
Jim Halpert
Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.
Andy Bernard
No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?
Jim Halpert
No.
Andy Bernard
Do you know why you never heard of it?
Jim Halpert
No.
Andy Bernard
Covered it up.
Jim Halpert
Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
Andy Bernard
They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.

Scene 14

1 line
Andy Bernard
My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.

Scene 15

1 line
Ernesto
(pulls food truck up to where Dwight and Nate are standing) Where you want I park?

Scene 16

30 lines
Dwight Schrute
Okay, everybody, gather 'round. Got a real special surprise for you. (indicates Ernesto and assistant who are carrying empanadas)
Toby Flenderson
Ernesto!
Ernesto
Hola Toby! (mimes choking)
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, hey.
Ernesto
Como esta? (speaks Spanish)
Nate Nickerson
Uh, I'm going to say "I" when I'm talking for Ernesto, so instead of "he says blah, blah, blah," I'm going to say "I say, blah, blah, blah," but that's for him. Anyway, it was something like, "He remembers Toby." (makes face) "I remember Toby."
Dwight Schrute
Okay- oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?
Jim Halpert
Uh-
Toby Flenderson
It's the empanada guy.
Jim Halpert
The empanada guy!
Dwight Schrute
No, Toby! (bleep) Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. (sighs) Ask him if he remembers Jim. (Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish)
Ernesto
No.
Nate Nickerson
He says, "No."
Dwight Schrute
He says, "No!" Boom!
Andy Bernard
Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world. (Ernesto says something in Spanish)
Nate Nickerson
Ah, he doesn't want any trouble, he sees lots of people, they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.
Jim Halpert
Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them.
Creed Bratton
Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.
Dwight Schrute
Great. And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?
Andy Bernard
Why? Everybody's heard it.
Dwight Schrute
Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?
Andy Bernard
Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there.
Phyllis Vance
Why?
Andy Bernard
Why? Why? (looks at Jim)
Jim Halpert
Because my car broke down.
Andy Bernard
His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse.
Dwight Schrute
Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim's house, and then back to the courthouse?
Andy Bernard
Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that.
Phyllis Vance
(to Ernesto) I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?

Scene 17

5 lines
Andy Bernard
We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Jim Halpert
Well, I think you handled it pretty well.
Andy Bernard
I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your (bleep).
Jim Halpert
Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth.
Andy Bernard
(sighs) I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

Scene 18

14 lines
Oscar Martinez
Wow, it's so... healthy.
Kevin Malone
I'm going to call him Little Kevin.
Angela Martin
No, you will not.
Erin Hannon
Is he really five pounds?
Angela Martin
Mm-hmm.
Erin Hannon
Because I squat with five pounds. This- (squats, grunts) yeah, this feels like more than that.
The Senator
No, no, no, he's nine pounds, seven ounces.
Angela Martin
Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh. So, what did you bring?
Oscar Martinez
Oh yeah, I don't know if it's right, but-
The Senator
Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park.
Angela Martin
Aw, preemie pajamas!
Oscar Martinez
Again, it may not be the right size. I can return-
Angela Martin
No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you.
Kevin Malone
I got Little Kevin Call of Duty.

Scene 19

1 line
Oscar Martinez
This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow.

Scene 20

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry, I didn't know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off.
Stanley Hudson
What?
Jim Halpert
Funny? No? Nobody laughing?
Dwight Schrute
(laughs) You're screwed! Oh, it's happening. It's really happening.
Stanley Hudson
What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt.
Jim Halpert
Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good.
Dwight Schrute
Your clients. They're all mine.
Darryl Philbin
Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse.
Andy Bernard
Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.
Dwight Schrute
All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. (puts Jim's things in a box) Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself. (laughs)
Andy Bernard
Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no. You said- you said that you were-
Andy Bernard
I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. (gives Jim a limp slap)
Dwight Schrute
That's it? This is crap! (dumps the box on Jim's desk and leaves)

Scene 21

2 lines
Gabe Lewis
(on voicemail) You've reached Gabe Lewis, I'm currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao. (beep)
Dwight Schrute
Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP.

Scene 22

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.

Scene 23

15 lines
Angela Martin
Shh.
Oscar Martinez
Honestly, I can return this for a larger size.
Angela Martin
It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.
Oscar Martinez
The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.
Angela Martin
Ah!
Kevin Malone
(giggles) Little Kevin.
Angela Martin
Really?
Oscar Martinez
Angela.
Angela Martin
Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago.
Oscar Martinez
I knew that, I knew it.
Angela Martin
The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata.
Oscar Martinez
Chicken marsala.
Angela Martin
Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock.
Oscar Martinez
Mm-hmm.
Angela Martin
And now you all know, but you can never tell. I'm serious.

Scene 24

14 lines
Oscar Martinez
Dwight. Hey.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, hey. Have you seen Gabe?
Oscar Martinez
He went to the car or something, but he'll be back.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. (sits)
Oscar Martinez
Don't you want to see the baby?
Dwight Schrute
Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.
Oscar Martinez
I promised I wouldn't tell.
Dwight Schrute
So don't.
Oscar Martinez
Angela got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Oscar Martinez
She got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight Schrute
How long before?
Oscar Martinez
A month. (Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him) You didn't hear it from me!
Dwight Schrute
Yes I did.

Scene 25

5 lines
Angela Martin
Dwight?
The Senator
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I want to see the baby.
Erin Hannon
Oh, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It's not worth it.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... (whispers) willingly, or as slaves.

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.

Scene 27

5 lines
Angela Martin
He's hungry.
The Senator
Oh, that's my cue to leave.
Angela Martin
No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover.
The Senator
Still. Still.
Angela Martin
You won't see-

Scene 28

1 line
Jim Halpert
(to Cece) You want a giraffe?

Scene 29

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Yes, I am brining my kids in to help me get out of this hole. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hi. Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here.
Jim Halpert
Whoa, whoa, whoa, game face, baby, game face.
Pam Beesly
Oh right, okay. Hey Stanley, it's great to see you!
Jim Halpert
Whoa, no, no. That's overdoing it, I think.
Pam Beesly
Oh, hi Stanley.
Jim Halpert
Split the difference?
Pam Beesly
Jim.
Jim Halpert
Okay, let's go.

Scene 30

46 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Erin Hannon
Hi.
Pam Beesly
Hi everybody!
Jim Halpert
What?
Everyone
Hi.
Pam Beesly
How about a little visit?
Jim Halpert
Wow, what a surprise. That's crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers.
Creed Bratton
Hey, Angela's back with her baby.
Pam Beesly
Yes, well, you guys all know Cece, but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip.
Andy Bernard
Aw! You guys. He's licking on my finger, just like my cat does.
Creed Bratton
Let me have a turn.
Pam Beesly
No, it's the pacifier's turn.
Creed Bratton
All right.
Jim Halpert
Did you say something about this one bringing in something for these people?
Pam Beesly
(gasps) Yes! Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play, so she brought you a little treat.
Phyllis Vance
Cookies?
Pam Beesly
No, but that would've been a really good idea.
Jim Halpert
That was a great idea.
Pam Beesly
No, she brought you drawings.
Jim Halpert
Oh my goodness, let's take a look at these. They're usually amazing, so let's see. Yup, they are. Uncle Andy.
Andy Bernard
Oh!
Jim Halpert
Oh, Aunt Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
Oh.
Andy Bernard
Wow, these are incredible. Cece, did you do these?
Cece
No.
Pam Beesly
She says "no" to everything. You know, she thinks my name is "No." Cece, do you want some broccoli?
Cece
Yes.
Pam Beesly
No. It's crazy.
Ryan Howard
Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?
Andy Bernard
There's cross-hatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a two-year-old.
Kelly Kapoor
Cece, this is your big sister Kelly. Did you color this pretty picture?
Cece
No.
Kelly Kapoor
So then this means nothing to you. (rips picture)
Andy Bernard
Hey, Cece, why don't you draw another picture for us, exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style?
Jim Halpert
You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command. That's very weird. I'll just take that. Thank you. I think we should just wrap up the show, kiddos. Right?
Cece
(cries) Mama!
Pam Beesly
Shh.
Jim Halpert
I don't know what else we can do here.
Cece
(cries) Mama, mama, mama.
Jim Halpert
It's okay.
Pam Beesly
Oh, it's okay, sweetie.
Jim Halpert
All right, all right. Okay.
Pam Beesly
It's okay, honey. (Philip cries) It's okay, it's okay.
Jim Halpert
All right, I know, I know. Let's just get this.
Pam Beesly
Shh.
Cece
Mama!

Scene 31

25 lines
Dwight Schrute
Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.
Angela Martin
Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.
Dwight Schrute
Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?
Angela Martin
That is completely untrue.
Dwight Schrute
Completely true. Remember? Angela. No.
Dwight Schrute
You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-
Angela Martin
I did not. Uh-uh.
Dwight Schrute
-and I said, "I bet I could fulfill you," and you said, "I'd like to see you try," and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.
Angela Martin
That didn't happen.
Dwight Schrute
And then I inserted my penis-
Angela Martin
No! Stop it!
Dwight Schrute
Into your-
Angela Martin
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Vagina and-
Angela Martin
And even if it did, it's just a coincidence.
Dwight Schrute
Admit that there is a chance.
Angela Martin
I will not.
Dwight Schrute
Admit it. Admit it.
Angela Martin
I will not, it's not-
The Senator
All done?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
The Senator
Mmm.
Angela Martin
Yes, yes. He's sleeping.
Dwight Schrute
Before I go, may I?
Angela Martin
Sure. (gives Philip to Dwight) Watch the head, watch the head.

Scene 32

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.
Nurse
Who are you?
Dwight Schrute
I just might be his father.
Nurse
I don't know what that means. We're gonna circumcise him.

Scene 33

17 lines
Jim Halpert
(Philip is crying) I know, buddy, I know. Cece, you want to come? Want to come out?
Cece
No!
Jim Halpert
Oh bud, I know. Do you have a pacifier or anything?
Pam Beesly
I'm looking, I'm looking for the pacifier.
Jim Halpert
Cece!
Pam Beesly
Okay, we're going.
Jim Halpert
Okay, okay, we gotta go. All right, we're going home, we're going home. We're going home, we're going home. I know, I know, bud.
Pam Beesly
Shh, shh, shh.
Jim Halpert
I know, I know.
Pam Beesly
You want to grab her?
Jim Halpert
I'm gonna grab her, okay.
Pam Beesly
Here we go, here we go.
Jim Halpert
Hi, all right. I'm just going to go down to the car and I'm going to put her in her seat and I'll be right back up.
Stanley Hudson
(groans) We'll see you tomorrow.
Jim Halpert
No, no, it's okay, I'll be right back.
Phyllis Vance
No, just go home.
Darryl Philbin
It's all good, we got this.

Scene 34

1 line
Darryl Philbin
I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation.

Scene 35

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Jim.
Phyllis Vance
Just go.
Andy Bernard
Hey, we'll be just fine.
Jim Halpert
Thanks guys. All right, here we go. Let's go.
Andy Bernard
Oh, whew!

Scene 36

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, right. (sighs) The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe.
Gabe Lewis
You had something important to tell me?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant.

Scene 37

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?