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Season 8 Episode 13
Jury Duty

Every line from The Office episode "Jury Duty", season 8 episode 13.

Andy Bernard: Val, I need the space.
Val: All right guys, clear out.
Andy Bernard: Everybody out.
Val: Promise me you're going to clean up.
Andy Bernard: I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.
Val: Promise me that-
Andy Bernard: Obviously I'm going to clean up.
Andy Bernard: Stress is like the uptight mayor or a town who's saying, "Hey, we're uptight, you can't dance," and then you have to be like, "Oh yeah, Mayor Stress? Well watch this!" And then... we dance. Oh how we dance. (dances to Kenny Loggin's Footloose) Sex also works.
Erin Hannon: Hey! Jim's back from jury duty.
Andy Bernard: Hey! Tuna! He's back.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Andy Bernard: Oh, look at this. (hugs Jim) Tuna wrap.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Andy Bernard: (grabs Jim's wrist) Hand roll.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Phyllis Vance: How was jury duty?
Jim Halpert: It was pretty uneventful, actually.
Dwight Schrute: Can't believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.
Erin Hannon: What was the case?
Jim Halpert: Uh, hit and run.
Erin Hannon: Ooh, "the case of the hit and run," that's exciting.
Phyllis Vance: Did you send him to the slammer?
Jim Halpert: Nope. Not guilty.
Dwight Schrute: Of course you found him not guilty. (mocking voice) "Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, mm."
Jim Halpert: We're best friends, actually. We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come.
Dwight Schrute: Not coming, have plans.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Jim Halpert: I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn't think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened.
Erin Hannon: Ah! Angela had the baby!
Kevin Malone: Is it black? 'Cause that would be hilarious.
Darryl Philbin: Why?
Kevin Malone: You know.
Darryl Philbin: Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?
Kevin Malone: A little bit, yeah. Right guys? Back me up.
Ryan Howard: Eh, a little bit.
Kevin Malone: Oh, did I win the pool?
Erin Hannon: Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.
Oscar Martinez: Well no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month.
Erin Hannon: We should all go to the hospital and visit her.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I'd love to but, um-
Jim Halpert: Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work.
Oscar Martinez: Well Kevin and I have to go, Accounting is its own little family.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.
Gabe Lewis: Everyone, our very own Angela-
Oscar Martinez: We all got the email, some of us are going to go visit.
Gabe Lewis: Oh, I am so in.
Gabe Lewis: I love maternity wards. It's the perfect blend of love and horror. Things can go so wrong or so right.
Andy Bernard: Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?
Jim Halpert: Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so-
Meredith Palmer: How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.
Stanley Hudson: Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.
Jim Halpert: Wow, I'm really sorry.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.
Jim Halpert: (demonstrating with napkin holder and salt shaker) So Phyllis, he was here, and then the car came and did- he was like that. Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually.
Toby Flenderson: You know, when I was on j-duty, uh, Strangler case, we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from- at Ernesto's.
Jim Halpert: Oh man, Ernesto's. That was our favorite restaurant too.
Toby Flenderson: You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.
Meredith Palmer: Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas. Nobody cares about the empanadas.
Dwight Schrute: I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants.
Oscar Martinez: (whispering) Guys, I don't know how many of you have seen- Gabe? Bring it in. I don't know how many of you have seen a premature baby before. It's going to be really tiny, so please don't say anything offensive.
Kevin Malone: Got that, bimbo?
Erin Hannon: Got it, bimbo. (Oscar knocks at the door)
Angela Martin: Yes?
Oscar Martinez: Knock, knock. Oh!
Kevin Malone: Hi!
Angela Martin: Oh... I don't- I don't want any- what are you guys doing here?
Oscar Martinez: We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite.
The Senator: Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.
Kevin Malone: Phillip is so fat.
Oscar Martinez: Kevin!
Kevin Malone: You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.
Angela Martin: Hey.
The Senator: Yes, he's substantial.
Erin Hannon: He's more than substantial. He's a monster.
Dwight Schrute: So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop...
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. (villainous laugh) Busted, Halpert!
Jim Halpert: Okay, wait, wait.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! Andy, get out here.
Jim Halpert: No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you.
Dwight Schrute: I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.
Andy Bernard: What's up, gangstas?
Dwight Schrute: Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
Andy Bernard: Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.
Dwight Schrute: I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-
Andy Bernard: No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.
Dwight Schrute: I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill.
Andy Bernard: Here, right there. (mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass) Down the hatch.
Dwight Schrute: I really don't want to take the chill pill. (mimes taking pill)
Andy Bernard: Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, okay. (sits, exhales) But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu. (Jim laughs nervously)
Dwight Schrute: That's good enough for me. (exhales again)
Jim Halpert: ...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you.
Andy Bernard: I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before.
Jim Halpert: Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.
Andy Bernard: No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?
Jim Halpert: No.
Andy Bernard: Do you know why you never heard of it?
Jim Halpert: No.
Andy Bernard: Covered it up.
Jim Halpert: Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
Andy Bernard: They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.
Andy Bernard: My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.
Ernesto: (pulls food truck up to where Dwight and Nate are standing) Where you want I park?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, everybody, gather 'round. Got a real special surprise for you. (indicates Ernesto and assistant who are carrying empanadas)
Toby Flenderson: Ernesto!
Ernesto: Hola Toby! (mimes choking)
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, hey.
Ernesto: Como esta? (speaks Spanish)
Nate Nickerson: Uh, I'm going to say "I" when I'm talking for Ernesto, so instead of "he says blah, blah, blah," I'm going to say "I say, blah, blah, blah," but that's for him. Anyway, it was something like, "He remembers Toby." (makes face) "I remember Toby."
Dwight Schrute: Okay- oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?
Jim Halpert: Uh-
Toby Flenderson: It's the empanada guy.
Jim Halpert: The empanada guy!
Dwight Schrute: No, Toby! (bleep) Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. (sighs) Ask him if he remembers Jim. (Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish)
Ernesto: No.
Nate Nickerson: He says, "No."
Dwight Schrute: He says, "No!" Boom!
Andy Bernard: Yeah but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world. (Ernesto says something in Spanish)
Nate Nickerson: Ah, he doesn't want any trouble, he sees lots of people, they come from all around to eat his delicious meat pockets.
Jim Halpert: Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them.
Creed Bratton: Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.
Dwight Schrute: Great. And while we're enjoying these delicious empanadas, Jim, why don't you tell us your story again?
Andy Bernard: Why? Everybody's heard it.
Dwight Schrute: Walk us through it. What time would you get there every morning?
Andy Bernard: Hey, Murder She Wrote. How about we drop the whole 'Murder, She Wrote' thing, okay? Jim was at the courthouse for jury duty every morning. How do I know? Because I drove him there.
Phyllis Vance: Why?
Andy Bernard: Why? Why? (looks at Jim)
Jim Halpert: Because my car broke down.
Andy Bernard: His car broke down. So he called me, 'cause I live near the courthouse.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, wait. You live by the courthouse. So you drove from near the courthouse, out to Jim's house, and then back to the courthouse?
Andy Bernard: Thirty minutes out, thirty minutes back, easy hour. And I would watch that cute little tushie scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that.
Phyllis Vance: (to Ernesto) I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?
Andy Bernard: We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Jim Halpert: Well, I think you handled it pretty well.
Andy Bernard: I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your (bleep).
Jim Halpert: Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth.
Andy Bernard: (sighs) I don't even know what the truth is anymore.
Oscar Martinez: Wow, it's so... healthy.
Kevin Malone: I'm going to call him Little Kevin.
Angela Martin: No, you will not.
Erin Hannon: Is he really five pounds?
Angela Martin: Mm-hmm.
Erin Hannon: Because I squat with five pounds. This- (squats, grunts) yeah, this feels like more than that.
The Senator: No, no, no, he's nine pounds, seven ounces.
Angela Martin: Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh. So, what did you bring?
Oscar Martinez: Oh yeah, I don't know if it's right, but-
The Senator: Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park.
Angela Martin: Aw, preemie pajamas!
Oscar Martinez: Again, it may not be the right size. I can return-
Angela Martin: No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you.
Kevin Malone: I got Little Kevin Call of Duty.
Oscar Martinez: This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow.
Jim Halpert: Uh, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention for a second? First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry, I didn't know that my absence last week would have been a burden on any of you, because, though I did have jury duty last week, they did dismiss me early on Monday. And I think you're going to find this pretty hilarious. I kind of, uh, well, maybe took the week off.
Stanley Hudson: What?
Jim Halpert: Funny? No? Nobody laughing?
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) You're screwed! Oh, it's happening. It's really happening.
Stanley Hudson: What the hell, Jim? I covered for your bony butt.
Jim Halpert: Pam really needed some help with the kids, so, I promise my intentions were good.
Dwight Schrute: Your clients. They're all mine.
Darryl Philbin: Jim, I got my ass chewed out because one of your orders got messed up. And Andy, you said you drove him to the courthouse.
Andy Bernard: Uh, I did, every morning. And if I didn't, then I hope I die.
Dwight Schrute: All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. (puts Jim's things in a box) Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself. (laughs)
Andy Bernard: Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. You said- you said that you were-
Andy Bernard: I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. (gives Jim a limp slap)
Dwight Schrute: That's it? This is crap! (dumps the box on Jim's desk and leaves)
Gabe Lewis: (on voicemail) You've reached Gabe Lewis, I'm currently indisposed. Leave me a message. Ciao. (beep)
Dwight Schrute: Gabe, it's Dwight again. Highest priority, triple-urgent. Call me. Immediately. That means ASAP.
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.
Angela Martin: Shh.
Oscar Martinez: Honestly, I can return this for a larger size.
Angela Martin: It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.
Oscar Martinez: The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.
Angela Martin: Ah!
Kevin Malone: (giggles) Little Kevin.
Angela Martin: Really?
Oscar Martinez: Angela.
Angela Martin: Fine, God. Philip was conceived nine months ago.
Oscar Martinez: I knew that, I knew it.
Angela Martin: The senator and I wanted to wait, but we had just seen Thor and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata.
Oscar Martinez: Chicken marsala.
Angela Martin: Right. Um, point is, Philip was conceived out of wedlock.
Oscar Martinez: Mm-hmm.
Angela Martin: And now you all know, but you can never tell. I'm serious.
Oscar Martinez: Dwight. Hey.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, hey. Have you seen Gabe?
Oscar Martinez: He went to the car or something, but he'll be back.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. (sits)
Oscar Martinez: Don't you want to see the baby?
Dwight Schrute: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.
Oscar Martinez: I promised I wouldn't tell.
Dwight Schrute: So don't.
Oscar Martinez: Angela got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Oscar Martinez: She got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight Schrute: How long before?
Oscar Martinez: A month. (Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him) You didn't hear it from me!
Dwight Schrute: Yes I did.
Angela Martin: Dwight?
The Senator: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I want to see the baby.
Erin Hannon: Oh, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It's not worth it.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... (whispers) willingly, or as slaves.
Dwight Schrute: That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.
Angela Martin: He's hungry.
The Senator: Oh, that's my cue to leave.
Angela Martin: No, you don't have to. I'm going to wear this cover.
The Senator: Still. Still.
Angela Martin: You won't see-
Jim Halpert: (to Cece) You want a giraffe?
Jim Halpert: Yes, I am brining my kids in to help me get out of this hole. And you all remember my beautiful wife, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hi. Wow, I really thought I'd be more excited to be here.
Jim Halpert: Whoa, whoa, whoa, game face, baby, game face.
Pam Beesly: Oh right, okay. Hey Stanley, it's great to see you!
Jim Halpert: Whoa, no, no. That's overdoing it, I think.
Pam Beesly: Oh, hi Stanley.
Jim Halpert: Split the difference?
Pam Beesly: Jim.
Jim Halpert: Okay, let's go.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Erin Hannon: Hi.
Pam Beesly: Hi everybody!
Jim Halpert: What?
Everyone: Hi.
Pam Beesly: How about a little visit?
Jim Halpert: Wow, what a surprise. That's crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers.
Creed Bratton: Hey, Angela's back with her baby.
Pam Beesly: Yes, well, you guys all know Cece, but we wanted to introduce you to baby Philip.
Andy Bernard: Aw! You guys. He's licking on my finger, just like my cat does.
Creed Bratton: Let me have a turn.
Pam Beesly: No, it's the pacifier's turn.
Creed Bratton: All right.
Jim Halpert: Did you say something about this one bringing in something for these people?
Pam Beesly: (gasps) Yes! Cece wanted to thank everybody for letting her daddy stay home with her all last week and play, so she brought you a little treat.
Phyllis Vance: Cookies?
Pam Beesly: No, but that would've been a really good idea.
Jim Halpert: That was a great idea.
Pam Beesly: No, she brought you drawings.
Jim Halpert: Oh my goodness, let's take a look at these. They're usually amazing, so let's see. Yup, they are. Uncle Andy.
Andy Bernard: Oh!
Jim Halpert: Oh, Aunt Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: Oh.
Andy Bernard: Wow, these are incredible. Cece, did you do these?
Cece: No.
Pam Beesly: She says "no" to everything. You know, she thinks my name is "No." Cece, do you want some broccoli?
Cece: Yes.
Pam Beesly: No. It's crazy.
Ryan Howard: Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?
Andy Bernard: There's cross-hatching in some of these. That's kind of advanced for a two-year-old.
Kelly Kapoor: Cece, this is your big sister Kelly. Did you color this pretty picture?
Cece: No.
Kelly Kapoor: So then this means nothing to you. (rips picture)
Andy Bernard: Hey, Cece, why don't you draw another picture for us, exactly like this one, or at least in the exact same style?
Jim Halpert: You know what? I don't think you need to do things on command. That's very weird. I'll just take that. Thank you. I think we should just wrap up the show, kiddos. Right?
Cece: (cries) Mama!
Pam Beesly: Shh.
Jim Halpert: I don't know what else we can do here.
Cece: (cries) Mama, mama, mama.
Jim Halpert: It's okay.
Pam Beesly: Oh, it's okay, sweetie.
Jim Halpert: All right, all right. Okay.
Pam Beesly: It's okay, honey. (Philip cries) It's okay, it's okay.
Jim Halpert: All right, I know, I know. Let's just get this.
Pam Beesly: Shh.
Cece: Mama!
Dwight Schrute: Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.
Angela Martin: Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.
Dwight Schrute: Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?
Angela Martin: That is completely untrue.
Dwight Schrute: Completely true. Remember? Angela. No.
Dwight Schrute: You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-
Angela Martin: I did not. Uh-uh.
Dwight Schrute: -and I said, "I bet I could fulfill you," and you said, "I'd like to see you try," and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.
Angela Martin: That didn't happen.
Dwight Schrute: And then I inserted my penis-
Angela Martin: No! Stop it!
Dwight Schrute: Into your-
Angela Martin: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Vagina and-
Angela Martin: And even if it did, it's just a coincidence.
Dwight Schrute: Admit that there is a chance.
Angela Martin: I will not.
Dwight Schrute: Admit it. Admit it.
Angela Martin: I will not, it's not-
The Senator: All done?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
The Senator: Mmm.
Angela Martin: Yes, yes. He's sleeping.
Dwight Schrute: Before I go, may I?
Angela Martin: Sure. (gives Philip to Dwight) Watch the head, watch the head.
Dwight Schrute: Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.
Nurse: Who are you?
Dwight Schrute: I just might be his father.
Nurse: I don't know what that means. We're gonna circumcise him.
Jim Halpert: (Philip is crying) I know, buddy, I know. Cece, you want to come? Want to come out?
Cece: No!
Jim Halpert: Oh bud, I know. Do you have a pacifier or anything?
Pam Beesly: I'm looking, I'm looking for the pacifier.
Jim Halpert: Cece!
Pam Beesly: Okay, we're going.
Jim Halpert: Okay, okay, we gotta go. All right, we're going home, we're going home. We're going home, we're going home. I know, I know, bud.
Pam Beesly: Shh, shh, shh.
Jim Halpert: I know, I know.
Pam Beesly: You want to grab her?
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna grab her, okay.
Pam Beesly: Here we go, here we go.
Jim Halpert: Hi, all right. I'm just going to go down to the car and I'm going to put her in her seat and I'll be right back up.
Stanley Hudson: (groans) We'll see you tomorrow.
Jim Halpert: No, no, it's okay, I'll be right back.
Phyllis Vance: No, just go home.
Darryl Philbin: It's all good, we got this.
Darryl Philbin: I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation.
Pam Beesly: Jim.
Phyllis Vance: Just go.
Andy Bernard: Hey, we'll be just fine.
Jim Halpert: Thanks guys. All right, here we go. Let's go.
Andy Bernard: Oh, whew!
Andy Bernard: Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, right. (sighs) The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe.
Gabe Lewis: You had something important to tell me?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant.
Dwight Schrute: Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?

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