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Season 8 Episode 14
Special Project

Every line from The Office episode "Special Project", season 8 episode 14.

Jim Halpert: Oh ho! Look who's back reporting for duty.
Pam Beesly: Hey guys!
Everyone: Hey.
Pam Beesly: (laughing) Hi.
Andy Bernard: Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. (pretends to punch Pam in the stomach) Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Phyllis Vance: Are you glad to be back?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Yeah, I mean I could have used another week, or three.
Stanley Hudson: You still had eight weeks more than we did.
Pam Beesly: (laughing) Well, it's not exactly a vacation.
Angela Martin: Hello everyone! Remember little old me. Hi!
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder baby. Four days ago.
Angela Martin: I wanted to come back to work. Not everybody needs some long luxurious Parisian maternity leave. (removes coat)
Pam Beesly: What?!
Kelly Kapoor: Damn girl! Your body!
Oscar Martinez: Angela, you look amazing.
Angela Martin: Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros. Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me so I made some treats. I've got brownies and magic cookie bars.
Group: (murmurs of delight as people shuffle toward the treats)
Pam Beesly: Oh Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts. You're allergic to walnuts, right Kevin?
Kevin Malone: Extremely, but I'm gonna fight through it.
Pam Beesly: Aw. It's OK Angela. I have mommy brain too.
Angela Martin: I don't know what that is, Pam. I made a batch with no nuts, special for you Kevin, right here.
Pam Beesly: When did you find time to do all this?
Angela Martin: Babies sleep a lot Pam, if you feed them enough. Brownie Pam?
Pam Beesly: Thank you. (takes bite) Oh my gosh. It's really good.
Angela Martin: I wouldn't know, I'm watching my weight. Ugh.
Pam Beesly: So you guys, you know what's an even more useful cash. So-
Jim Halpert: Nope. It's over.
Pam Beesly: ...we wanted to say thank you-
Jim Halpert: Nope. OK.
Andy Bernard: Dwight, I have exciting news for you.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Andy Bernard: I think you're going to like it.
Dwight Schrute: You can't tantalize me.
Andy Bernard: Oooh, maybe I can. (slowly) I got an email... from corporate....that told me that...
Dwight Schrute: OK. (looks at watch and leaves)
Andy Bernard: That...(quickly) you got a promotion! (Dwight turns back) Right? I mean that's not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.
Dwight Schrute: If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear.
Andy Bernard: No, this is legit. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, hi-yes! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Dwight Schrute: The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, “perfect pork anus” which I don't mean.
Erin Hannon: And here's the fax for you.
Andy Bernard: And here's some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.
Erin Hannon: Ah! Love to learn.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.
Erin Hannon: So... (points out their matching heart pins)
Andy Bernard: Uh yeah, look at that.
Erin Hannon: We're pin twins.
Andy Bernard: Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift really. Real gifts come later.
Erin Hannon: Yeah. That's cute. When I saw it in CVS it made me gag too. (Andy laughs, walks away, Erin throws away her pin)
Erin Hannon: For a while there I thought something would change. But nope. Andy's still with Jessica, they even carpool together most days. I don't know, I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy, but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica.
Darryl Philbin: What do we have here?
Darryl Philbin: Val knit me a beanie. But I can't if it's a “we're just friends” beanie or a “I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it poppin'” beanie. So I'm gonna up the ante, give her a clearly romantic gift, and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.
Dwight Schrute: Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear, make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded, and join me on a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Dwight Schrute: Mm hm.
Pam Beesly: I'll fly anywhere for some good barbeque.
Jim Halpert: Ooh, me three.
Dwight Schrute: Eh! No plus one's. This is for competent workers only. And don't worry about the cost, Sabre is footing the bill.
Pam Beesly: Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?
Dwight Schrute: God, you're such a spy.
Darryl Philbin: (clears throat) Notice anything different about me?
Val: You're wearing the beanie. You like it?
Darryl Philbin: Super comfortable. Like sweatpants for my head.
Nate Nickerson: I love it too Val. It's it's really itchy, uh but to be fair my head is constantly itching so I can't really peg it on the hat.
Darryl Philbin: (noticing all the warehouse workers wearing homemade beanies) Wow. It's like the nation of Islam down here.
Val: I like to knit, don't hate. And who's that for?
Darryl Philbin: Oh, this is a gift, man Nate here.
Nate Nickerson: What?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah.
Nate Nickerson: Darryl, you shouldn't have.
Darryl Philbin: Hey.
Nate Nickerson: Can I open it?
Darryl Philbin: No, no, no. Maybe just later.
Nate Nickerson: Ah, I can't wait. I'm sorry. I get too excited. (opens gift) Darryl.
Val: Wow. Those are really nice.
Nate Nickerson: They're so elegant.
Val: Cashmere.
Nate Nickerson: How'd you know?
Darryl Philbin: Just a hunch. Your gift is on the way.
Val: Can't wait.
Nate Nickerson: (reading card) “I'm glad you're in my life. Happy Valentine's Day.” Ugh, Darryl. I am glad to be in your life too. Oh, your card is more beautiful than the gloves.
Dwight Schrute: My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People who'll help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who won't be missed. We don't need idiots, good for nothing's, methheads or... What's your name?
Kathy: Kathy.
Dwight Schrute: Kathy.
Jim Halpert: I just got a text from Robert California that says “bring your clubs to Florida”.
Pam Beesly: Why? Does he think you're going to Florida?
Jim Halpert: I hope not. (laughs) Because I am not going. Two question marks?
Pam Beesly: No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive. You know it's like wha-what?? Just do one.
Andy Bernard: You wanna take Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Andy Bernard: Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?
Dwight Schrute: Oh my god.
Andy Bernard: They're not expendable exactly, I just can't...I can't think of the word I'm trying to find.
Dwight Schrute: Are you kidding me?! I'm supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? We'd never get off the runway.
Andy Bernard: Alright, look. I gotta keep this office functioning somehow. So, I have put together a list, here's your team. Darryl and Phyllis you can have, but you're also taking Kathy, Kelly and Kevin.
Dwight Schrute: Oh god.
Andy Bernard: You have your team.
Dwight Schrute: Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.
Pam Beesly: Well, let's hear it.
Jim Halpert: “Robert, Hey!” Exclamation point.
Pam Beesly: I like it so far.
Jim Halpert: “Got your text, awesome idea. Let's hit the links next time you're in PA” Dash JH.
Pam Beesly: It's perfect. You emphasized the golf, completely omit the Florida.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, it's a golf text.
Pam Beesly: Total golf text. Send it.
Jim Halpert: Duh- Wait. I just feel weird. I should just call him.
Kelly Kapoor: You wanna call someone? That texted you!? Do you wanna drive them away? I mean, ugh.
Darryl Philbin: (on phone) This is Darryl.
Bob: Oh, sorry I asked for the main shipping number. I just need the address for the warehouse? I want to send my girlfriend some flowers.
Darryl Philbin: Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?
Bob: Yeah, do you know her?
Darryl Philbin: We're friends. We're friends.
Bob: Cool. Um, so can I get that address or...?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah sorry, I'm just looking for a pen.
Bob: Why do you need a pen?
Darryl Philbin: Back off! I got my reasons.
Dwight Schrute: May I have your attention please? Could Kathy, Darryl, Phyllis, Kevin and Kelly please join me in the conference room immediately?
Kelly Kapoor: Why?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no big deal. It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three week all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida.
Kelly Kapoor: Hell yeah.
Stanley Hudson: What?!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I'm sorry Stanley, I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Meredith Palmer: Wait. Kathy gets to go? Uh, why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
Oscar Martinez: It just feels like a slap in the face.
Dwight Schrute: I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
Oscar Martinez: We're not questioning his reasons. I just wanna know what they are.
Dwight Schrute: I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kinda random to me, but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Kevin Malone: Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's gotta take off his cape.
Dwight Schrute: Good point. But we're gonna be working pretty hard until five PM. After that it's gonna be beach volleyball, trips to Cape Canaveral, and sea kayaking with Gloria Estefan.
Ryan Howard: What are the criteria for going?
Dwight Schrute: It might be innate goodness versus innate badness? But there's an easy way to find out. (knocks on Andy's office door) Oh Andy, gotta few questions for you.
Andy Bernard: Mooshie mooshie. (Dwight laughs)
Dwight Schrute: Uh, the Florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked and maybe you could just clarify?
Andy Bernard: Well uh...well the deliberations were confidential so...I feel like we should respect that.
Stanley Hudson: Respect it? You're trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson.
Kevin Malone: Hey!
Angela Martin: Ok, it's obvious Andy picked the people that are least important to the office.
Kelly Kapoor: Important? Oh because you and your enormous monster baby are so important to the branch.
Angela Martin: My baby is not a monster!
Dwight Schrute: Hey. Be proud of your enormous monster baby. I was once an enormous monster baby.
Andy Bernard: Guys. Guys. Guys. Come on, seriously? We cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys!
Ryan Howard: Stop calling us “guys”.
Andy Bernard: I use the word “guys” a lot when I'm nervous...guys.
Andy Bernard: Guys! Guys! Guys!
Group: Stop it!
Andy Bernard: Guys..
Ryan Howard: Stop. Stop it Andy.
Oscar Martinez: ...Andy.
Andy Bernard: Dudes...the dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me.
Dwight Schrute: OK hey. I specifically remember there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.
Andy Bernard: Wha-
Stanley Hudson: If anybody's going to Florida, it should be me. Every shirt I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama. I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice.
Andy Bernard: OK, I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly, so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida, I'm happy to hear you out.
Dwight Schrute: Great idea! So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida and Andy and I will listen to it.
Andy Bernard: No. That is a ridiculous waste of time.
Kelly Kapoor: For you maybe.
Andy Bernard: Five to six hours?
Dwight Schrute: Three to four hours.
Andy Bernard: No no no no.
Dwight Schrute: Two to three hours...
Andy Bernard: Nope.
Dwight Schrute: Come up with a statement in the next hour....
Andy Bernard: Thirty minutes!
Creed Bratton: I'm out.
Pam Beesly: Ok, read it back to me.
Jim Halpert: (reading text) Robert, great offer. Wish I could hit the links with you in Florida but a father of a newborn really should be helping out his wife any chance he gets.
Pam Beesly: Good. Doesn't sound're just stating a fact.
Erin Hannon: Absolutely. Works for me.
Jim Halpert: Ok, sending.
Pam Beesly: Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning.
Jim Halpert: Really did (Text bleep) He responded L-O-L.
Erin Hannon: (laughs exaggeratedly)
Phyllis Vance: I have a new swimsuit I need to break in....
Meredith Palmer: I am...
Dwight Schrute: I have already picked my team: Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby and that is the team that I am taking. What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence? Well, that's all Baltzer Gladfielder had and no one eats owls for Thanksgiving.
Ryan Howard: You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor, you need one of us there.
Andy Bernard: Or both?
Ryan Howard: Not both. Just one, me. Or if not me, Kelly. Ideally me. Again, youth knowledge. That's what you get when you put Ryan Howard on your special project team...or Kelly Kapoor. Again, not both. Thanks.
Andy Bernard: Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that.
Dwight Schrute: Mm-hm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show, no meat.
Kevin Malone: Because I feel like that I'm in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport? Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something...
Dwight Schrute: Ok. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
Kevin Malone: When do we leave?
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
Toby Flenderson: It has been a long, lonely winter.
Dwight Schrute: Wow. Seasonal effective disorder, AKA: sad. That sounds like a very real thing, Toby.
Toby Flenderson: It is real, thank you for saying that.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, wow. It's almost like we're not all experiencing the same winter?
Stanley Hudson: Florida Stanley smiles. Florida Stanley is happy to go to work. Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe it's what she does here...
Andy Bernard: Well...
Erin Hannon: Hey guys, any spots left?
Andy Bernard: Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?
Erin Hannon: I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.
Dwight Schrute: You know I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality.
Erin Hannon: Either or. But if you can find someone to fill in, I would love to go.
Andy Bernard: Well it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in..
Erin Hannon: Really? Oh, great. Good, ahem, good.
Jim Halpert: Now, is it too dark to say that Cici's having an operation?
Pam Beesly: I think you need to go to Florida.
Jim Halpert: I think you're right.
Pam Beesly: It's only for three weeks, you know with my mom and sister at the house it'll be..
Jim Halpert: Total nightmare.
Pam Beesly: I was going to say good because I'll have all the help I need?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're incredibly helpful, you're lucky to have them. I mean with them there, you probably won't even know I'm gone.
Pam Beesly: Exactly.
Dwight Schrute: Well, (Jim enters) No! No! Absolutely not! You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Andy?
Andy Bernard: Tuns, I'm really sorry. You're too essential to the operation here, I can't let you go.
Dwight Schrute: I wouldn't say's a bit much.
Jim Halpert: You know Dwight, if you didn't want me to go the smart move would be to tell Andy that I actually am essential to the operation. That way I couldn't go.
Dwight Schrute: Jim is essential to th-
Jim Halpert: Hold on, just wanna get it on camera. (holds up cellphone)
Dwight Schrute: Andy, Jim is just too...essen-...
Jim Halpert: Essential.
Dwight Schrute: This is stupid! Cut.
Jim Halpert: Alright, I'm gonna pack my trunks.
Dwight Schrute: He doesn't even want to go.
Jim Halpert: Well, I got a text from RC inviting me to come down so I think that's gonna make us roomates.
Dwight Schrute: Oh my god.
Jim Halpert: Hey, quick question: Do you shower at night or in the morning? Cause I wanna shower when you're showering. Save some water.
Andy Bernard: OK, listen up everyone, here's who's going to Florida: Kathy..
Dwight Schrute: What?
Andy Bernard: ….Stanley..
Dwight Schrute: No.
Andy Bernard: ...Ryan...
Dwight Schrute: No!
Andy Bernard: ...Erin...
Dwight Schrute: (Bleep)
Andy Bernard: ...And, Jim.
Dwight Schrute: You've gotta be (bleep)-ing kidding me. Ok. Ok, Florida group, welcome to the team. (goes into conference room and slams door) AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Dwight Schrute: Let's go, step it up you runts. You infants, let's move.
Stanley Hudson: Why is it so hot in here?
Dwight Schrute: Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice temperate Florida morning. Eighty-five degrees, seventy-five percent humidity. This is the exact environment you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life. Welcome to special projects orientation. The next three weeks of your life are gonna be the most miserable you've ever faced. They're gonna be hard, they're gonna be dirty. You're gonna wish you were dead.
Ryan Howard: But...
Dwight Schrute: But? There's not buts. That's it. You'll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed, you wanna stay here?
Ryan Howard: No no, I want to go.
Dwight Schrute: Cause if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell. (holds up Taboo buzzer)
Jim Halpert: Is that the buzzer from Taboo?
Dwight Schrute: How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?
Stanley Hudson: How did a mosquito get in here?
Dwight Schrute: I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room, just temporarily. When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes. (Frog in plastic cage ribbits)
Dwight Schrute: Yes, when he brushes your soft supple cheeks with his worn leathery hands and says “I'm gonna make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblatt” unless you ring this bell. Ring it! Ring the bell. You wanna spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? Huh? Do you? Ring it! Wha-, (Jim slaps Dwight's forehead) oh. What was that?
Jim Halpert: Mosquito.
Dwight Schrute: (Sighs and grunts) Orientation is over.
Nate Nickerson: Oh Darryl, hey.
Darryl Philbin: Hey what's up? You called?
Nate Nickerson: Yeah, you know I, I felt really terrible that you got me these lovely gloves and I didn't get you anything...
Darryl Philbin: It's cool really.
Nate Nickerson: No, it's anything but cool. Now I haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but uh, here goes. (Hands Darryl pink slips of paper)
Darryl Philbin: “This coupon entitles you to one free tickle monster attack”
Nate Nickerson: Yeah, they're Nate coupons. Or Nate-pons. And they're all different. Cash that one in and I will bring you a stick of gum, anytime, any place. I'll find you.
Darryl Philbin: Thanks. (to Val) Nice flowers.
Val: Thanks, they're from my mom.
Darryl Philbin: Your mom?
Val: Yeah.
Darryl Philbin: Uh. So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep voiced woman?
Val: Yeah, that's her.
Darryl Philbin: She said her name was Brandon, I think. Your mom's name is Brandon?
Val: (laughs) Yeah Darryl, my mom's name is Brandon.
Darryl Philbin: Then I guess I figured out where I stand. This is a love beanie.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, Florida team, let's reconvene.
Erin Hannon: I'm going to Florida.....and I'm not coming back.
Dwight Schrute: So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate.
Jim Halpert: So, what is this special project?
Dwight Schrute: Basically Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.
Jim Halpert: That sounds awesome.
Dwight Schrute: It did, it did.
Ryan Howard: You know what might be great? Is if instead of a genius bar we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it.
Erin Hannon: Yeah. And they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you don't have to carry it around like a dope. Like a coat check. (Dwight writes on whiteboard) Oh, don't write it down unless you like it.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I like it.
Ryan Howard: It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party. So I think our question is: How do we make this a better party?
Dwight Schrute: No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other stores look like a toy store.
Ryan Howard: Right. Think different, from Apple.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us?
Dwight Schrute: (long pause) Yes. What are my expectations for the group?
Dwight Schrute: I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfectinschlag.
Kelly Kapoor: I don't know how I'm going to live here without you.
Ryan Howard: Me neither. Hey, will you put this coat on my chair? I just realized I'm not going to need it down there.
Kelly Kapoor: Yes, I will take your coat. And I will keep it with me, and I will sleep with it because it smells like you.
Ryan Howard: No, no, no, no. Just put it on my chair.
Pam Beesly: Alright (kiss)
Jim Halpert: Bye.
Pam Beesly: Bye. Call me when you land.
Jim Halpert: I will.
Andy Bernard: Safe travels.
Erin Hannon: Goodbye for a very very long time.
Andy Bernard: Oh, K. It's only three weeks.
Kathy: (On phone) All expenses paid. Yeah, Jim's gonna be there. Their marriage is not good. Nobody knows better than me. Definitely we will. It's three weeks in Tallahassee, what else is there to do?

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 14 season 8. Special Project is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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