Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Special Project

Vol. 8 · Issue 14Scranton, PA

Dwight finally gets his shot at corporate, though he has to bring a team of office rejects to Tallahassee for a retail project. Between Florida Stanley's high energy and the return of a certain monster baby, there is a lot to process. You'll find every single line and quote from the script right here to catch all the "perfectinschlag" moments.

Scene 01

29 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh ho! Look who's back reporting for duty.
Pam Beesly
Hey guys!
Everyone
Hey.
Pam Beesly
(laughing) Hi.
Andy Bernard
Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. (pretends to punch Pam in the stomach) Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Phyllis Vance
Are you glad to be back?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Yeah, I mean I could have used another week, or three.
Stanley Hudson
You still had eight weeks more than we did.
Pam Beesly
(laughing) Well, it's not exactly a vacation.
Angela Martin
Hello everyone! Remember little old me. Hi!
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder Mifflin...family baby. Four days ago.
Angela Martin
I wanted to come back to work. Not everybody needs some long luxurious Parisian maternity leave. (removes coat)
Pam Beesly
What?!
Kelly Kapoor
Damn girl! Your body!
Oscar Martinez
Angela, you look amazing.
Angela Martin
Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros. Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me so I made some treats. I've got brownies and magic cookie bars.
Group
(murmurs of delight as people shuffle toward the treats)
Pam Beesly
Oh Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts. You're allergic to walnuts, right Kevin?
Kevin Malone
Extremely, but I'm gonna fight through it.
Pam Beesly
Aw. It's OK Angela. I have mommy brain too.
Angela Martin
I don't know what that is, Pam. I made a batch with no nuts, special for you Kevin, right here.
Pam Beesly
When did you find time to do all this?
Angela Martin
Babies sleep a lot Pam, if you feed them enough. Brownie Pam?
Pam Beesly
Thank you. (takes bite) Oh my gosh. It's really good.
Angela Martin
I wouldn't know, I'm watching my weight. Ugh.
Pam Beesly
So you guys, you know what's an even more useful treat...is cash. So-
Jim Halpert
Nope. It's over.
Pam Beesly
...we wanted to say thank you-
Jim Halpert
Nope. OK.

Scene 02

10 lines
Andy Bernard
Dwight, I have exciting news for you.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Andy Bernard
I think you're going to like it.
Dwight Schrute
You can't tantalize me.
Andy Bernard
Oooh, maybe I can. (slowly) I got an email... from corporate....that told me that...
Dwight Schrute
OK. (looks at watch and leaves)
Andy Bernard
That...(quickly) you got a promotion! (Dwight turns back) Right? I mean that's not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.
Dwight Schrute
If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear.
Andy Bernard
No, this is legit. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, hi-yes! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, “perfect pork anus” which I don't mean.

Scene 04

9 lines
Erin Hannon
And here's the fax for you.
Andy Bernard
And here's some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.
Erin Hannon
Ah! Love to learn.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.
Erin Hannon
So... (points out their matching heart pins)
Andy Bernard
Uh yeah, look at that.
Erin Hannon
We're pin twins.
Andy Bernard
Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift really. Real gifts come later.
Erin Hannon
Yeah. That's cute. When I saw it in CVS it made me gag too. (Andy laughs, walks away, Erin throws away her pin)

Scene 05

1 line
Erin Hannon
For a while there I thought something would change. But nope. Andy's still with Jessica, they even carpool together most days. I don't know, I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy, but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica.

Scene 06

1 line
Darryl Philbin
What do we have here?

Scene 07

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Val knit me a beanie. But I can't if it's a “we're just friends” beanie or a “I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it poppin'” beanie. So I'm gonna up the ante, give her a clearly romantic gift, and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.

Scene 08

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear, make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded, and join me on a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Mm hm.
Pam Beesly
I'll fly anywhere for some good barbeque.
Jim Halpert
Ooh, me three.
Dwight Schrute
Eh! No plus one's. This is for competent workers only. And don't worry about the cost, Sabre is footing the bill.
Pam Beesly
Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?
Dwight Schrute
God, you're such a spy.

Scene 09

21 lines
Darryl Philbin
(clears throat) Notice anything different about me?
Val
You're wearing the beanie. You like it?
Darryl Philbin
Super comfortable. Like sweatpants for my head.
Nate Nickerson
I love it too Val. It's it's really itchy, uh but to be fair my head is constantly itching so I can't really peg it on the hat.
Darryl Philbin
(noticing all the warehouse workers wearing homemade beanies) Wow. It's like the nation of Islam down here.
Val
I like to knit, don't hate. And who's that for?
Darryl Philbin
Oh, this is a gift, for....my man Nate here.
Nate Nickerson
What?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Nate Nickerson
Darryl, you shouldn't have.
Darryl Philbin
Hey.
Nate Nickerson
Can I open it?
Darryl Philbin
No, no, no. Maybe just later.
Nate Nickerson
Ah, I can't wait. I'm sorry. I get too excited. (opens gift) Darryl.
Val
Wow. Those are really nice.
Nate Nickerson
They're so elegant.
Val
Cashmere.
Nate Nickerson
How'd you know?
Darryl Philbin
Just a hunch. Your gift is on the way.
Val
Can't wait.
Nate Nickerson
(reading card) “I'm glad you're in my life. Happy Valentine's Day.” Ugh, Darryl. I am glad to be in your life too. Oh, your card is more beautiful than the gloves.

Scene 10

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People who'll help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who won't be missed. We don't need idiots, good for nothing's, methheads or... What's your name?
Kathy
Kathy.
Dwight Schrute
Kathy.

Scene 11

4 lines
Jim Halpert
I just got a text from Robert California that says “bring your clubs to Florida”.
Pam Beesly
Why? Does he think you're going to Florida?
Jim Halpert
I hope not. (laughs) Because I am not going. Two question marks?
Pam Beesly
No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive. You know it's like wha-what?? Just do one.

Scene 12

9 lines
Andy Bernard
You wanna take Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Andy Bernard
Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?
Dwight Schrute
Oh my god.
Andy Bernard
They're not expendable exactly, I just can't...I can't think of the word I'm trying to find.
Dwight Schrute
Are you kidding me?! I'm supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? We'd never get off the runway.
Andy Bernard
Alright, look. I gotta keep this office functioning somehow. So, I have put together a list, here's your team. Darryl and Phyllis you can have, but you're also taking Kathy, Kelly and Kevin.
Dwight Schrute
Oh god.
Andy Bernard
You have your team.

Scene 13

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.

Scene 14

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Well, let's hear it.
Jim Halpert
“Robert, Hey!” Exclamation point.
Pam Beesly
I like it so far.
Jim Halpert
“Got your text, awesome idea. Let's hit the links next time you're in PA” Dash JH.
Pam Beesly
It's perfect. You emphasized the golf, completely omit the Florida.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, it's a golf text.
Pam Beesly
Total golf text. Send it.
Jim Halpert
Duh- Wait. I just feel weird. I should just call him.
Kelly Kapoor
You wanna call someone? That texted you!? Do you wanna drive them away? I mean, ugh.

Scene 15

9 lines
Darryl Philbin
(on phone) This is Darryl.
Bob
Oh, sorry I asked for the main shipping number. I just need the address for the warehouse? I want to send my girlfriend some flowers.
Darryl Philbin
Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?
Bob
Yeah, do you know her?
Darryl Philbin
We're friends. We're friends.
Bob
Cool. Um, so can I get that address or...?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah sorry, I'm just looking for a pen.
Bob
Why do you need a pen?
Darryl Philbin
Back off! I got my reasons.

Scene 16

26 lines
Dwight Schrute
May I have your attention please? Could Kathy, Darryl, Phyllis, Kevin and Kelly please join me in the conference room immediately?
Kelly Kapoor
Why?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no big deal. It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three week all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida.
Kelly Kapoor
Hell yeah.
Stanley Hudson
What?!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I'm sorry Stanley, I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Meredith Palmer
Wait. Kathy gets to go? Uh, why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
Oscar Martinez
It just feels like a slap in the face.
Dwight Schrute
I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
Oscar Martinez
We're not questioning his reasons. I just wanna know what they are.
Dwight Schrute
I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kinda random to me, but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Kevin Malone
Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's gotta take off his cape.
Dwight Schrute
Good point. But we're gonna be working pretty hard until five PM. After that it's gonna be beach volleyball, trips to Cape Canaveral, and sea kayaking with Gloria Estefan.
Ryan Howard
What are the criteria for going?
Dwight Schrute
It might be innate goodness versus innate badness? But there's an easy way to find out. (knocks on Andy's office door) Oh Andy, gotta few questions for you.
Andy Bernard
Mooshie mooshie. (Dwight laughs)
Dwight Schrute
Uh, the Florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked and maybe you could just clarify?
Andy Bernard
Well uh...well the deliberations were confidential so...I feel like we should respect that.
Stanley Hudson
Respect it? You're trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson.
Kevin Malone
Hey!
Angela Martin
Ok, it's obvious Andy picked the people that are least important to the office.
Kelly Kapoor
Important? Oh because you and your enormous monster baby are so important to the branch.
Angela Martin
My baby is not a monster!
Dwight Schrute
Hey. Be proud of your enormous monster baby. I was once an enormous monster baby.
Andy Bernard
Guys. Guys. Guys. Come on, seriously? We cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys!
Ryan Howard
Stop calling us “guys”.

Scene 17

1 line
Andy Bernard
I use the word “guys” a lot when I'm nervous...guys.

Scene 18

21 lines
Andy Bernard
Guys! Guys! Guys!
Group
Stop it!
Andy Bernard
Guys..
Ryan Howard
Stop. Stop it Andy.
Oscar Martinez
...Andy.
Andy Bernard
Dudes...the dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me.
Dwight Schrute
OK hey. I specifically remember there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.
Andy Bernard
Wha-
Stanley Hudson
If anybody's going to Florida, it should be me. Every shirt I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama. I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice.
Andy Bernard
OK, I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly, so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida, I'm happy to hear you out.
Dwight Schrute
Great idea! So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida and Andy and I will listen to it.
Andy Bernard
No. That is a ridiculous waste of time.
Kelly Kapoor
For you maybe.
Andy Bernard
Five to six hours?
Dwight Schrute
Three to four hours.
Andy Bernard
No no no no.
Dwight Schrute
Two to three hours...
Andy Bernard
Nope.
Dwight Schrute
Come up with a statement in the next hour....
Andy Bernard
Thirty minutes!
Creed Bratton
I'm out.

Scene 19

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Ok, read it back to me.
Jim Halpert
(reading text) Robert, great offer. Wish I could hit the links with you in Florida but a father of a newborn really should be helping out his wife any chance he gets.
Pam Beesly
Good. Doesn't sound pushy...you're just stating a fact.
Erin Hannon
Absolutely. Works for me.
Jim Halpert
Ok, sending.
Pam Beesly
Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning.
Jim Halpert
Really did (Text bleep) He responded L-O-L.
Erin Hannon
(laughs exaggeratedly)

Scene 20

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
I have a new swimsuit I need to break in....
Meredith Palmer
I am...
Dwight Schrute
I have already picked my team: Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby and that is the team that I am taking. What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence? Well, that's all Baltzer Gladfielder had and no one eats owls for Thanksgiving.

Scene 21

5 lines
Ryan Howard
You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor, you need one of us there.
Andy Bernard
Or both?
Ryan Howard
Not both. Just one, me. Or if not me, Kelly. Ideally me. Again, youth knowledge. That's what you get when you put Ryan Howard on your special project team...or Kelly Kapoor. Again, not both. Thanks.
Andy Bernard
Very impressive. He put a lot of work into that.
Dwight Schrute
Mm-hm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show, no meat.

Scene 22

5 lines
Kevin Malone
Because I feel like that I'm in a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again. You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport? Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something...
Dwight Schrute
Ok. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
Kevin Malone
When do we leave?
Andy Bernard
Thank you.

Scene 23

4 lines
Toby Flenderson
It has been a long, lonely winter.
Dwight Schrute
Wow. Seasonal effective disorder, AKA: sad. That sounds like a very real thing, Toby.
Toby Flenderson
It is real, thank you for saying that.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, wow. It's almost like we're not all experiencing the same winter?

Scene 24

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Florida Stanley smiles. Florida Stanley is happy to go to work. Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team.

Scene 25

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Maybe it's what she does here...
Andy Bernard
Well...
Erin Hannon
Hey guys, any spots left?
Andy Bernard
Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?
Erin Hannon
I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.
Dwight Schrute
You know I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality.
Erin Hannon
Either or. But if you can find someone to fill in, I would love to go.
Andy Bernard
Well it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in..
Erin Hannon
Really? Oh, great. Good, ahem, good.

Scene 26

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Now, is it too dark to say that Cici's having an operation?
Pam Beesly
I think you need to go to Florida.
Jim Halpert
I think you're right.
Pam Beesly
It's only for three weeks, you know with my mom and sister at the house it'll be..
Jim Halpert
Total nightmare.
Pam Beesly
I was going to say good because I'll have all the help I need?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They're incredibly helpful, you're lucky to have them. I mean with them there, you probably won't even know I'm gone.
Pam Beesly
Exactly.

Scene 27

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
Well, (Jim enters) No! No! Absolutely not! You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Andy?
Andy Bernard
Tuns, I'm really sorry. You're too essential to the operation here, I can't let you go.
Dwight Schrute
I wouldn't say that...it's a bit much.
Jim Halpert
You know Dwight, if you didn't want me to go the smart move would be to tell Andy that I actually am essential to the operation. That way I couldn't go.
Dwight Schrute
Jim is essential to th-
Jim Halpert
Hold on, just wanna get it on camera. (holds up cellphone)
Dwight Schrute
Andy, Jim is just too...essen-...
Jim Halpert
Essential.
Dwight Schrute
This is stupid! Cut.
Jim Halpert
Alright, I'm gonna pack my trunks.
Dwight Schrute
He doesn't even want to go.
Jim Halpert
Well, I got a text from RC inviting me to come down so I think that's gonna make us roomates.
Dwight Schrute
Oh my god.
Jim Halpert
Hey, quick question: Do you shower at night or in the morning? Cause I wanna shower when you're showering. Save some water.

Scene 28

10 lines
Andy Bernard
OK, listen up everyone, here's who's going to Florida: Kathy..
Dwight Schrute
What?
Andy Bernard
….Stanley..
Dwight Schrute
No.
Andy Bernard
...Ryan...
Dwight Schrute
No!
Andy Bernard
...Erin...
Dwight Schrute
(Bleep)
Andy Bernard
...And, Jim.
Dwight Schrute
You've gotta be (bleep)-ing kidding me. Ok. Ok, Florida group, welcome to the team. (goes into conference room and slams door) AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene 29

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Let's go, step it up you runts. You infants, let's move.
Stanley Hudson
Why is it so hot in here?
Dwight Schrute
Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice temperate Florida morning. Eighty-five degrees, seventy-five percent humidity. This is the exact environment you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life. Welcome to special projects orientation. The next three weeks of your life are gonna be the most miserable you've ever faced. They're gonna be hard, they're gonna be dirty. You're gonna wish you were dead.
Ryan Howard
But...
Dwight Schrute
But? There's not buts. That's it. You'll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed, you wanna stay here?
Ryan Howard
No no, I want to go.
Dwight Schrute
Cause if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell. (holds up Taboo buzzer)
Jim Halpert
Is that the buzzer from Taboo?
Dwight Schrute
SHUT UP MAGGOT! YOU DON'T WANT TO GO, RING THE BELL! RING IT! Ring it.

Scene 30

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?
Stanley Hudson
How did a mosquito get in here?

Scene 31

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room, just temporarily. When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes. (Frog in plastic cage ribbits)

Scene 32

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Yes, when he brushes your soft supple cheeks with his worn leathery hands and says “I'm gonna make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblatt” unless you ring this bell. Ring it! Ring the bell. You wanna spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? Huh? Do you? Ring it! Wha-, (Jim slaps Dwight's forehead) oh. What was that?
Jim Halpert
Mosquito.
Dwight Schrute
(Sighs and grunts) Orientation is over.

Scene 33

15 lines
Nate Nickerson
Oh Darryl, hey.
Darryl Philbin
Hey what's up? You called?
Nate Nickerson
Yeah, you know I, I felt really terrible that you got me these lovely gloves and I didn't get you anything...
Darryl Philbin
It's cool really.
Nate Nickerson
No, it's anything but cool. Now I haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but uh, here goes. (Hands Darryl pink slips of paper)
Darryl Philbin
“This coupon entitles you to one free tickle monster attack”
Nate Nickerson
Yeah, they're Nate coupons. Or Nate-pons. And they're all different. Cash that one in and I will bring you a stick of gum, anytime, any place. I'll find you.
Darryl Philbin
Thanks. (to Val) Nice flowers.
Val
Thanks, they're from my mom.
Darryl Philbin
Your mom?
Val
Yeah.
Darryl Philbin
Uh. So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep voiced woman?
Val
Yeah, that's her.
Darryl Philbin
She said her name was Brandon, I think. Your mom's name is Brandon?
Val
(laughs) Yeah Darryl, my mom's name is Brandon.

Scene 34

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Then I guess I figured out where I stand. This is a love beanie.

Scene 35

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Ok, Florida team, let's reconvene.

Scene 36

1 line
Erin Hannon
I'm going to Florida.....and I'm not coming back.

Scene 37

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate.
Jim Halpert
So, what is this special project?
Dwight Schrute
Basically Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.
Jim Halpert
That sounds awesome.
Dwight Schrute
It did, it did.
Ryan Howard
You know what might be great? Is if instead of a genius bar we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it.
Erin Hannon
Yeah. And they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you don't have to carry it around like a dope. Like a coat check. (Dwight writes on whiteboard) Oh, don't write it down unless you like it.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I like it.
Ryan Howard
It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party. So I think our question is: How do we make this a better party?
Dwight Schrute
No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other stores look like a toy store.
Ryan Howard
Right. Think different, from Apple.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us?
Dwight Schrute
(long pause) Yes. What are my expectations for the group?

Scene 38

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfectinschlag.

Scene 39

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I don't know how I'm going to live here without you.
Ryan Howard
Me neither. Hey, will you put this coat on my chair? I just realized I'm not going to need it down there.
Kelly Kapoor
Yes, I will take your coat. And I will keep it with me, and I will sleep with it because it smells like you.
Ryan Howard
No, no, no, no. Just put it on my chair.

Scene 40

7 lines
Pam Beesly
Alright (kiss)
Jim Halpert
Bye.
Pam Beesly
Bye. Call me when you land.
Jim Halpert
I will.
Andy Bernard
Safe travels.
Erin Hannon
Goodbye for a very very long time.
Andy Bernard
Oh, K. It's only three weeks.

Scene 41

1 line
Kathy
(On phone) All expenses paid. Yeah, Jim's gonna be there. Their marriage is not good. Nobody knows better than me. Definitely we will. It's three weeks in Tallahassee, what else is there to do?