Scene 011 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late.
Scene 032 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! (Erin kicks him) Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.
Scene 044 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Stanley! Wake up! You’ve got to wake up, the hotel's on fire!Erin HannonOpen quote: Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! (Dwight pinches Stanley's nose and covers his mouth)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Mmm! (struggles) Ugh!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (lets go) Good morning.
Scene 052 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. (sees Dwight) Oh, not cool!
Scene 064 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- (hears door, hides)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? (sees trashed room) Oh man.Erin HannonOpen quote: What do you think happened?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. (sees "IT WAS DWIGHT" written in lipstick on the door) Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. (Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream)
Scene 074 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Puppet.CathyOpen quote: Cool, for your kids?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.
Scene 081 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.
Scene 093 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel.SaleswomanOpen quote: What does he like?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Power.
Scene 1015 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Okay, and this one is, "Huh. Don't see too many museums around here."Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hey, are you okay?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming.Erin HannonOpen quote: Who says none of us are diarrheal?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Very funny, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, "For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?" and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm gonna set your face on fire.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's a good one. (a red sports car drives up) Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Loggins and Messina.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Did I say "Messina?" (tires screech)
Scene 1125 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Ahh! (laughs) Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet.Creed BrattonOpen quote: I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today.Andy BernardOpen quote: It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... (drops pin) I thought that would be cooler.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I loved it.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet.Andy BernardOpen quote: Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Can we see that? Did you really find it?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. (chuckles, clicks tongue) In the trash.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail.EveryoneOpen quote: Oh great. (overlapping chatter)Kelly KapoorOpen quote: We're screwed.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: There. (phone rings)Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh! There we go! Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah?Andy BernardOpen quote: Can you get the phone?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well I'm not the receptionist.Andy BernardOpen quote: Mm, well, you used to be.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do.Andy BernardOpen quote: Phone's ringing.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. (Andy and Pam silently argue) Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone!EveryoneOpen quote: Somebody! Answer the phone.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Andy, pick up the phone!Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Get the damn phone.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: You're the closest one to it.Andy BernardOpen quote: Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. (ringing continues) Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?
Scene 125 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Man.CathyOpen quote: How was the drive?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Life is short. "Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse." That's one of my mottoes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I would love to hear the other mottos.
Scene 135 linesTodd PackerOpen quote: Quick query, Halpert.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No way.Todd PackerOpen quote: Still queer?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Packer.Todd PackerOpen quote: You can't put me down. Too strong!
Scene 141 lineTodd PackerOpen quote: Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-
Scene 1525 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: Psst. Say, "So who's leading this thing, anyway?"Ryan HowardOpen quote: So who's leading this thing, anyway?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Psst. Say, "I can't wait to meet him."Ryan HowardOpen quote: I can't wait to meet him.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I-Nellie BertramOpen quote: You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, (points to her head) and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. (slow clap) I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. (points to Jim) After you decided I wasn't "a good fit-"Jim HalpertOpen quote: It was-Nellie BertramOpen quote: Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, "Yes!" So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?CathyOpen quote: Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.Nellie BertramOpen quote: No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.CathyOpen quote: Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it.Erin HannonOpen quote: Yeah!Nellie BertramOpen quote: Let me just get the projector working.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh. (eats antacids)Jim HalpertOpen quote: You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You didn't poison me, it's just stress.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What is the antidote?Jim HalpertOpen quote: True love's kiss.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. (points to Ryan) You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'll do it! I always say, "You want something done right? Ask Dwight." Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head. (reaches up, whimpers)Todd PackerOpen quote: I can do it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Mmm! (screams, pulls down screen) There we go.
Scene 166 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (on phone) Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. (to Jim) What kind of poison did you use?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. (sees chart on screen) Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. (winks)Emergency OperatorOpen quote: Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.
Scene 178 linesTodd PackerOpen quote: I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual.Todd PackerOpen quote: Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter.Todd PackerOpen quote: Did you say "masturbator?"Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Why are you sitting down like that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over!
Scene 187 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. Are you that bored?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is that another motto?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: It's whatever you want. (offers Jim the bottle)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mmm.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Or do you only drink with your kids?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ah, let's do it. (laughs) Oh, that's healthy.
Scene 191 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I've spent so much of my life telling myself "Please, don't end up like Stanley," and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes.
Scene 2019 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?Todd PackerOpen quote: Yup. Tallahassee, let's go.Erin HannonOpen quote: Jim, are you in?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I don't know.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Sounds like a hoot. I'm in.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, what the heck? Let's do it.Todd PackerOpen quote: This is great. This is gonna be great.Nellie BertramOpen quote: I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'll be on top. It's the most important position.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Dude, I think you have appendicitis.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (tries to climb human pyramid) Ahh!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Dwight?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit!Todd PackerOpen quote: Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (groans) Stop moving!Jim HalpertOpen quote: No one's moving!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh! (collapses)EveryoneOpen quote: Oh, oh! (general commotion)
Scene 212 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning.
Scene 229 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty.ParamedicOpen quote: You need an operation. You have appendicitis.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net.Erin HannonOpen quote: How long will he be gone?ParamedicOpen quote: Two or three days.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.Todd PackerOpen quote: Drama queen, am I right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (to phone) Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. (presses button) Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up.Todd PackerOpen quote: That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting?
Scene 2310 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Whoa, are those mini pizzas?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? (giggles) Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Oh (bleep) yeah.Andy BernardOpen quote: Up high.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yes sir. Thanks.Andy BernardOpen quote: Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. (whispers to Kelly) I put out some new magazines, check it out.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Ah, Dwell.Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. (phone rings) Oh, there's the phone!
Scene 246 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in.Erin HannonOpen quote: Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Who's doing the presentations?Erin HannonOpen quote: Packer's giving one. (Dwight growls) Jim'll probably give ours, I guess.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Damn it!Erin HannonOpen quote: Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna-
Scene 255 linesTodd PackerOpen quote: -features a tech support area. Bring in your product, a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot. Huge for building loyalty.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Very good point.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Dwight, are you all right?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm great. How are you?
Scene 266 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What's our presentation about?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I got the surgery, what else is there to do?Erin HannonOpen quote: Do a hundred jumping jacks.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks.Erin HannonOpen quote: I don't feel like it either!
Scene 2811 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I want that vice-presidency.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You haven't done any of the research.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: "You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name." You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Aw, let him do it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Stanley, are you listening to music?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Yup.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: All right, who's ready for the next presentation?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Ah, what is your topic?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is.Erin HannonOpen quote: Retail consumer habits.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... (sighs) The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. (Erin makes the first slide appear) Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay.
Scene 293 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I can field this one.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, sit down. "Seasonal." Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. (Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips) Thank you. (Dwight sticks his head in the bowl) Oh, God. Next slide.
Scene 302 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Mail call! (sings) His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Are those the lyrics?
Scene 3112 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?Nellie BertramOpen quote: What are the three pillars of retail?Erin HannonOpen quote: (whispers) Convenience.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ingredients.Erin HannonOpen quote: Service.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Burgers.Erin HannonOpen quote: Building loyalty.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You are bleeding through your shirt.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. (ties jacket around wound) Ah.
Scene 329 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, having fun?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yes I am, as a matter of fact.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well I know how it is. I know it's a lot of fun. I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job. What are you doing here?Andy BernardOpen quote: I found my calling.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Andy, when I was twelve years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Guys, I don't like this analogy.Andy BernardOpen quote: (groans) Ugh! Fine. Did you see this? (points to pens in cup)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's nice.Andy BernardOpen quote: I mean... (Pam giggles)
Scene 3314 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: How are you feeling?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Can I see the wound?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (show her the wound) Oh God.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass.Nellie BertramOpen quote: A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's right.Nellie BertramOpen quote: That is amazing. Todd, look at that.Todd PackerOpen quote: Oh, yikes. Incoming- (tries to touch the wound)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ah! Not so fast.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you (points to both) have a lot to offer.Todd PackerOpen quote: It would be an honor, ma'am.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.
Scene 341 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix.
Scene 355 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (answers the reception phone) Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew.Donna MuraskiOpen quote: Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin?Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple of weeks.Donna MuraskiOpen quote: Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart. You tell her Donna Muraski misses her.Andy BernardOpen quote: I miss her too.
Scene 3610 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. (cheers, claps)Wally AmosOpen quote: Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos-Stanley HudsonOpen quote: What's under the cloth?Wally AmosOpen quote: We'll get to that.Todd PackerOpen quote: Cookies. Bet you anything it’s cookies.Wally AmosOpen quote: It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies! (everyone goes for the cookies)Erin HannonOpen quote: Famous, hi. I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time, but I-Wally AmosOpen quote: Is it oatmeal with no raisins?Erin HannonOpen quote: I'm sorry to have wasted your time.