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Season 8 Episode 15

Every line from The Office episode "Tallahassee", season 8 episode 15.

Dwight Schrute: Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late.
Dwight Schrute: Wake up! (Cathy screams)
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! (Erin kicks him) Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?
Erin Hannon: Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.
Dwight Schrute: Stanley! Wake up! You’ve got to wake up, the hotel's on fire!
Erin Hannon: Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! (Dwight pinches Stanley's nose and covers his mouth)
Stanley Hudson: Mmm! (struggles) Ugh!
Dwight Schrute: (lets go) Good morning.
Erin Hannon: Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now.
Ryan Howard: Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. (sees Dwight) Oh, not cool!
Jim Halpert: I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- (hears door, hides)
Dwight Schrute: Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? (sees trashed room) Oh man.
Erin Hannon: What do you think happened?
Dwight Schrute: Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. (sees "IT WAS DWIGHT" written in lipstick on the door) Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. (Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream)
Jim Halpert: Puppet.
Cathy: Cool, for your kids?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before.
Dwight Schrute: Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.
Dwight Schrute: I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.
Dwight Schrute: I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel.
Saleswoman: What does he like?
Dwight Schrute: Power.
Ryan Howard: Okay, and this one is, "Huh. Don't see too many museums around here."
Dwight Schrute: Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car.
Erin Hannon: Hey, are you okay?
Dwight Schrute: I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming.
Erin Hannon: Who says none of us are diarrheal?
Jim Halpert: Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you.
Dwight Schrute: Very funny, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, "For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?" and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something?
Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna set your face on fire.
Jim Halpert: That's a good one. (a red sports car drives up) Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub?
Stanley Hudson: Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod.
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Stanley Hudson: You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins.
Jim Halpert: Loggins and Messina.
Stanley Hudson: Did I say "Messina?" (tires screech)
Andy Bernard: Ahh! (laughs) Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet.
Creed Bratton: I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today.
Andy Bernard: It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... (drops pin) I thought that would be cooler.
Darryl Philbin: I loved it.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet.
Andy Bernard: Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it.
Oscar Martinez: Can we see that? Did you really find it?
Andy Bernard: Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. (chuckles, clicks tongue) In the trash.
Pam Beesly: Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail.
Everyone: Oh great. (overlapping chatter)
Kelly Kapoor: We're screwed.
Pam Beesly: There. (phone rings)
Andy Bernard: Oh! There we go! Pam?
Pam Beesly: Yeah?
Andy Bernard: Can you get the phone?
Pam Beesly: Well I'm not the receptionist.
Andy Bernard: Mm, well, you used to be.
Pam Beesly: I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do.
Andy Bernard: Phone's ringing.
Kelly Kapoor: Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. (Andy and Pam silently argue) Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone!
Everyone: Somebody! Answer the phone.
Kelly Kapoor: Andy, pick up the phone!
Stanley Hudson: Get the damn phone.
Meredith Palmer: You're the closest one to it.
Andy Bernard: Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. (ringing continues) Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?
Jim Halpert: Man.
Cathy: How was the drive?
Jim Halpert: Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast.
Stanley Hudson: Life is short. "Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse." That's one of my mottoes.
Jim Halpert: I would love to hear the other mottos.
Todd Packer: Quick query, Halpert.
Jim Halpert: No way.
Todd Packer: Still queer?
Dwight Schrute: Packer.
Todd Packer: You can't put me down. Too strong!
Todd Packer: Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-
Nellie Bertram: Psst. Say, "So who's leading this thing, anyway?"
Ryan Howard: So who's leading this thing, anyway?
Nellie Bertram: Psst. Say, "I can't wait to meet him."
Ryan Howard: I can't wait to meet him.
Nellie Bertram: Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader?
Ryan Howard: I-
Nellie Bertram: You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, (points to her head) and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. (slow clap) I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. (points to Jim) After you decided I wasn't "a good fit-"
Jim Halpert: It was-
Nellie Bertram: Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, "Yes!" So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?
Cathy: Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.
Nellie Bertram: No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.
Cathy: Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it.
Erin Hannon: Yeah!
Nellie Bertram: Let me just get the projector working.
Dwight Schrute: Uh. (eats antacids)
Jim Halpert: You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote.
Dwight Schrute: You didn't poison me, it's just stress.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: What is the antidote?
Jim Halpert: True love's kiss.
Nellie Bertram: Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. (points to Ryan) You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon.
Dwight Schrute: I'll do it! I always say, "You want something done right? Ask Dwight." Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head. (reaches up, whimpers)
Todd Packer: I can do it.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm! (screams, pulls down screen) There we go.
Dwight Schrute: (on phone) Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. (to Jim) What kind of poison did you use?
Jim Halpert: Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. (sees chart on screen) Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed.
Nellie Bertram: Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. (winks)
Emergency Operator: Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?
Dwight Schrute: Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.
Todd Packer: I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time.
Nellie Bertram: Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual.
Todd Packer: Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense.
Dwight Schrute: You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter.
Todd Packer: Did you say "masturbator?"
Dwight Schrute: I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.
Nellie Bertram: Why are you sitting down like that?
Dwight Schrute: Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over!
Jim Halpert: Wow. Are you that bored?
Stanley Hudson: It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate.
Jim Halpert: Is that another motto?
Stanley Hudson: It's whatever you want. (offers Jim the bottle)
Jim Halpert: Mmm.
Stanley Hudson: Or do you only drink with your kids?
Jim Halpert: Ah, let's do it. (laughs) Oh, that's healthy.
Jim Halpert: I've spent so much of my life telling myself "Please, don't end up like Stanley," and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes.
Nellie Bertram: We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?
Todd Packer: Yup. Tallahassee, let's go.
Erin Hannon: Jim, are you in?
Jim Halpert: Oh, I don't know.
Stanley Hudson: Sounds like a hoot. I'm in.
Jim Halpert: All right, what the heck? Let's do it.
Todd Packer: This is great. This is gonna be great.
Nellie Bertram: I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.
Dwight Schrute: I'll be on top. It's the most important position.
Ryan Howard: Dude, I think you have appendicitis.
Dwight Schrute: (tries to climb human pyramid) Ahh!
Ryan Howard: Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while?
Dwight Schrute: Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit!
Todd Packer: Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen.
Dwight Schrute: (groans) Stop moving!
Jim Halpert: No one's moving!
Dwight Schrute: Oh! (collapses)
Everyone: Oh, oh! (general commotion)
Dwight Schrute: Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.
Jim Halpert: Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning.
Jim Halpert: The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty.
Paramedic: You need an operation. You have appendicitis.
Ryan Howard: Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net.
Erin Hannon: How long will he be gone?
Paramedic: Two or three days.
Dwight Schrute: Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.
Todd Packer: Drama queen, am I right?
Dwight Schrute: (to phone) Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. (presses button) Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up.
Todd Packer: That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting?
Pam Beesly: Whoa, are those mini pizzas?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck.
Kevin Malone: Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? (giggles) Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge.
Andy Bernard: Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through.
Darryl Philbin: Oh (bleep) yeah.
Andy Bernard: Up high.
Darryl Philbin: Yes sir. Thanks.
Andy Bernard: Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. (whispers to Kelly) I put out some new magazines, check it out.
Creed Bratton: Ah, Dwell.
Andy Bernard: I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. (phone rings) Oh, there's the phone!
Dwight Schrute: I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in.
Erin Hannon: Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later.
Dwight Schrute: Who's doing the presentations?
Erin Hannon: Packer's giving one. (Dwight growls) Jim'll probably give ours, I guess.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it!
Erin Hannon: Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna-
Todd Packer: -features a tech support area. Bring in your product, a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot. Huge for building loyalty.
Nellie Bertram: Very good point.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, are you all right?
Dwight Schrute: I'm great. How are you?
Dwight Schrute: What's our presentation about?
Jim Halpert: Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours.
Dwight Schrute: I got the surgery, what else is there to do?
Erin Hannon: Do a hundred jumping jacks.
Dwight Schrute: No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks.
Erin Hannon: I don't feel like it either!
Erin Hannon: (doing jumping jacks) Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine-
Dwight Schrute: I want that vice-presidency.
Jim Halpert: You haven't done any of the research.
Dwight Schrute: "You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name." You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it.
Stanley Hudson: Aw, let him do it.
Jim Halpert: Stanley, are you listening to music?
Stanley Hudson: Yup.
Dwight Schrute: All right, who's ready for the next presentation?
Nellie Bertram: Ah, what is your topic?
Dwight Schrute: What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is.
Erin Hannon: Retail consumer habits.
Dwight Schrute: Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... (sighs) The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. (Erin makes the first slide appear) Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?
Ryan Howard: I can field this one.
Dwight Schrute: No, sit down. "Seasonal." Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. (Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips) Thank you. (Dwight sticks his head in the bowl) Oh, God. Next slide.
Andy Bernard: Mail call! (sings) His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt.
Kevin Malone: Are those the lyrics?
Dwight Schrute: Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?
Nellie Bertram: What are the three pillars of retail?
Erin Hannon: (whispers) Convenience.
Dwight Schrute: Ingredients.
Erin Hannon: Service.
Dwight Schrute: Burgers.
Erin Hannon: Building loyalty.
Dwight Schrute: Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.
Nellie Bertram: Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?
Jim Halpert: You are bleeding through your shirt.
Dwight Schrute: Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. (ties jacket around wound) Ah.
Pam Beesly: Hey, having fun?
Andy Bernard: Yes I am, as a matter of fact.
Pam Beesly: Well I know how it is. I know it's a lot of fun. I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job. What are you doing here?
Andy Bernard: I found my calling.
Darryl Philbin: Andy, when I was twelve years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog.
Pam Beesly: Guys, I don't like this analogy.
Andy Bernard: (groans) Ugh! Fine. Did you see this? (points to pens in cup)
Pam Beesly: It's nice.
Andy Bernard: I mean... (Pam giggles)
Nellie Bertram: How are you feeling?
Dwight Schrute: Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle.
Nellie Bertram: Can I see the wound?
Dwight Schrute: (show her the wound) Oh God.
Nellie Bertram: Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed.
Dwight Schrute: You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass.
Nellie Bertram: A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet.
Dwight Schrute: That's right.
Nellie Bertram: That is amazing. Todd, look at that.
Todd Packer: Oh, yikes. Incoming- (tries to touch the wound)
Dwight Schrute: Ah! Not so fast.
Nellie Bertram: Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you (points to both) have a lot to offer.
Todd Packer: It would be an honor, ma'am.
Dwight Schrute: I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.
Dwight Schrute: I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix.
Andy Bernard: (answers the reception phone) Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew.
Donna Muraski: Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin?
Andy Bernard: Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple of weeks.
Donna Muraski: Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart. You tell her Donna Muraski misses her.
Andy Bernard: I miss her too.
Nellie Bertram: Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. (cheers, claps)
Wally Amos: Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos-
Stanley Hudson: What's under the cloth?
Wally Amos: We'll get to that.
Todd Packer: Cookies. Bet you anything it’s cookies.
Wally Amos: It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first.
Nellie Bertram: Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies! (everyone goes for the cookies)
Erin Hannon: Famous, hi. I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time, but I-
Wally Amos: Is it oatmeal with no raisins?
Erin Hannon: I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 15 season 8. Tallahassee is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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