Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Tallahassee

Vol. 8 · Issue 15Scranton, PA

The Sabre store project kicks off in Florida as Dwight tries to hide a major medical emergency to impress his new boss, Nellie Bertram. While Stanley lives his best life in a convertible, Jim has to deal with Dwight's wild poisoning theories. You'll find every line and hilarious quote from the trip in this full script.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Wake up! (Cathy screams)

Scene 03

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! (Erin kicks him) Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?
Erin Hannon
Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep.

Scene 04

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Stanley! Wake up! You’ve got to wake up, the hotel's on fire!
Erin Hannon
Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! (Dwight pinches Stanley's nose and covers his mouth)
Stanley Hudson
Mmm! (struggles) Ugh!
Dwight Schrute
(lets go) Good morning.

Scene 05

2 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now.
Ryan Howard
Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. (sees Dwight) Oh, not cool!

Scene 06

4 lines
Jim Halpert
I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- (hears door, hides)
Dwight Schrute
Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? (sees trashed room) Oh man.
Erin Hannon
What do you think happened?
Dwight Schrute
Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. (sees "IT WAS DWIGHT" written in lipstick on the door) Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. (Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream)

Scene 07

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Puppet.
Cathy
Cool, for your kids?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before.
Dwight Schrute
Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.

Scene 09

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel.
Saleswoman
What does he like?
Dwight Schrute
Power.

Scene 10

15 lines
Ryan Howard
Okay, and this one is, "Huh. Don't see too many museums around here."
Dwight Schrute
Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car.
Erin Hannon
Hey, are you okay?
Dwight Schrute
I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming.
Erin Hannon
Who says none of us are diarrheal?
Jim Halpert
Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you.
Dwight Schrute
Very funny, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, "For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?" and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something?
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna set your face on fire.
Jim Halpert
That's a good one. (a red sports car drives up) Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub?
Stanley Hudson
Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod.
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Stanley Hudson
You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins.
Jim Halpert
Loggins and Messina.
Stanley Hudson
Did I say "Messina?" (tires screech)

Scene 11

25 lines
Andy Bernard
Ahh! (laughs) Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet.
Creed Bratton
I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today.
Andy Bernard
It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... (drops pin) I thought that would be cooler.
Darryl Philbin
I loved it.
Meredith Palmer
Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet.
Andy Bernard
Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it.
Oscar Martinez
Can we see that? Did you really find it?
Andy Bernard
Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. (chuckles, clicks tongue) In the trash.
Pam Beesly
Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail.
Everyone
Oh great. (overlapping chatter)
Kelly Kapoor
We're screwed.
Pam Beesly
There. (phone rings)
Andy Bernard
Oh! There we go! Pam?
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Andy Bernard
Can you get the phone?
Pam Beesly
Well I'm not the receptionist.
Andy Bernard
Mm, well, you used to be.
Pam Beesly
I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do.
Andy Bernard
Phone's ringing.
Kelly Kapoor
Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. (Andy and Pam silently argue) Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone!
Everyone
Somebody! Answer the phone.
Kelly Kapoor
Andy, pick up the phone!
Stanley Hudson
Get the damn phone.
Meredith Palmer
You're the closest one to it.
Andy Bernard
Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. (ringing continues) Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service?

Scene 12

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Man.
Cathy
How was the drive?
Jim Halpert
Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast.
Stanley Hudson
Life is short. "Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse." That's one of my mottoes.
Jim Halpert
I would love to hear the other mottos.

Scene 13

5 lines
Todd Packer
Quick query, Halpert.
Jim Halpert
No way.
Todd Packer
Still queer?
Dwight Schrute
Packer.
Todd Packer
You can't put me down. Too strong!

Scene 14

1 line
Todd Packer
Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch-

Scene 15

25 lines
Nellie Bertram
Psst. Say, "So who's leading this thing, anyway?"
Ryan Howard
So who's leading this thing, anyway?
Nellie Bertram
Psst. Say, "I can't wait to meet him."
Ryan Howard
I can't wait to meet him.
Nellie Bertram
Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader?
Ryan Howard
I-
Nellie Bertram
You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, (points to her head) and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. (slow clap) I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. (points to Jim) After you decided I wasn't "a good fit-"
Jim Halpert
It was-
Nellie Bertram
Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, "Yes!" So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like?
Cathy
Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one.
Nellie Bertram
No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic.
Cathy
Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it.
Erin Hannon
Yeah!
Nellie Bertram
Let me just get the projector working.
Dwight Schrute
Uh. (eats antacids)
Jim Halpert
You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote.
Dwight Schrute
You didn't poison me, it's just stress.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
What is the antidote?
Jim Halpert
True love's kiss.
Nellie Bertram
Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. (points to Ryan) You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon.
Dwight Schrute
I'll do it! I always say, "You want something done right? Ask Dwight." Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head. (reaches up, whimpers)
Todd Packer
I can do it.
Dwight Schrute
Mmm! (screams, pulls down screen) There we go.

Scene 16

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. (to Jim) What kind of poison did you use?
Jim Halpert
Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. (sees chart on screen) Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed.
Nellie Bertram
Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. (winks)
Emergency Operator
Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance?
Dwight Schrute
Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.

Scene 17

8 lines
Todd Packer
I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time.
Nellie Bertram
Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual.
Todd Packer
Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense.
Dwight Schrute
You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter.
Todd Packer
Did you say "masturbator?"
Dwight Schrute
I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.
Nellie Bertram
Why are you sitting down like that?
Dwight Schrute
Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over!

Scene 18

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Wow. Are you that bored?
Stanley Hudson
It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate.
Jim Halpert
Is that another motto?
Stanley Hudson
It's whatever you want. (offers Jim the bottle)
Jim Halpert
Mmm.
Stanley Hudson
Or do you only drink with your kids?
Jim Halpert
Ah, let's do it. (laughs) Oh, that's healthy.

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
I've spent so much of my life telling myself "Please, don't end up like Stanley," and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes.

Scene 20

19 lines
Nellie Bertram
We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm?
Todd Packer
Yup. Tallahassee, let's go.
Erin Hannon
Jim, are you in?
Jim Halpert
Oh, I don't know.
Stanley Hudson
Sounds like a hoot. I'm in.
Jim Halpert
All right, what the heck? Let's do it.
Todd Packer
This is great. This is gonna be great.
Nellie Bertram
I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt.
Dwight Schrute
I'll be on top. It's the most important position.
Ryan Howard
Dude, I think you have appendicitis.
Dwight Schrute
(tries to climb human pyramid) Ahh!
Ryan Howard
Dwight?
Jim Halpert
Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while?
Dwight Schrute
Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit!
Todd Packer
Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen.
Dwight Schrute
(groans) Stop moving!
Jim Halpert
No one's moving!
Dwight Schrute
Oh! (collapses)
Everyone
Oh, oh! (general commotion)

Scene 21

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.
Jim Halpert
Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning.

Scene 22

9 lines
Jim Halpert
The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty.
Paramedic
You need an operation. You have appendicitis.
Ryan Howard
Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net.
Erin Hannon
How long will he be gone?
Paramedic
Two or three days.
Dwight Schrute
Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.
Todd Packer
Drama queen, am I right?
Dwight Schrute
(to phone) Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. (presses button) Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up.
Todd Packer
That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting?

Scene 23

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Whoa, are those mini pizzas?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck.
Kevin Malone
Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? (giggles) Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge.
Andy Bernard
Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through.
Darryl Philbin
Oh (bleep) yeah.
Andy Bernard
Up high.
Darryl Philbin
Yes sir. Thanks.
Andy Bernard
Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. (whispers to Kelly) I put out some new magazines, check it out.
Creed Bratton
Ah, Dwell.
Andy Bernard
I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. (phone rings) Oh, there's the phone!

Scene 24

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in.
Erin Hannon
Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later.
Dwight Schrute
Who's doing the presentations?
Erin Hannon
Packer's giving one. (Dwight growls) Jim'll probably give ours, I guess.
Dwight Schrute
Damn it!
Erin Hannon
Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna-

Scene 25

5 lines
Todd Packer
-features a tech support area. Bring in your product, a bunch of nerdy virgins fix it on the spot. Huge for building loyalty.
Nellie Bertram
Very good point.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting.
Nellie Bertram
Dwight, are you all right?
Dwight Schrute
I'm great. How are you?

Scene 26

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
What's our presentation about?
Jim Halpert
Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours.
Dwight Schrute
I got the surgery, what else is there to do?
Erin Hannon
Do a hundred jumping jacks.
Dwight Schrute
No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks.
Erin Hannon
I don't feel like it either!

Scene 27

1 line
Erin Hannon
(doing jumping jacks) Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine-

Scene 28

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
I want that vice-presidency.
Jim Halpert
You haven't done any of the research.
Dwight Schrute
"You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name." You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it.
Stanley Hudson
Aw, let him do it.
Jim Halpert
Stanley, are you listening to music?
Stanley Hudson
Yup.
Dwight Schrute
All right, who's ready for the next presentation?
Nellie Bertram
Ah, what is your topic?
Dwight Schrute
What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is.
Erin Hannon
Retail consumer habits.
Dwight Schrute
Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... (sighs) The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. (Erin makes the first slide appear) Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay.

Scene 29

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?
Ryan Howard
I can field this one.
Dwight Schrute
No, sit down. "Seasonal." Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. (Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips) Thank you. (Dwight sticks his head in the bowl) Oh, God. Next slide.

Scene 30

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Mail call! (sings) His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt.
Kevin Malone
Are those the lyrics?

Scene 31

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?
Nellie Bertram
What are the three pillars of retail?
Erin Hannon
(whispers) Convenience.
Dwight Schrute
Ingredients.
Erin Hannon
Service.
Dwight Schrute
Burgers.
Erin Hannon
Building loyalty.
Dwight Schrute
Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.
Nellie Bertram
Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?
Jim Halpert
You are bleeding through your shirt.
Dwight Schrute
Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. (ties jacket around wound) Ah.

Scene 32

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, having fun?
Andy Bernard
Yes I am, as a matter of fact.
Pam Beesly
Well I know how it is. I know it's a lot of fun. I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job. What are you doing here?
Andy Bernard
I found my calling.
Darryl Philbin
Andy, when I was twelve years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog.
Pam Beesly
Guys, I don't like this analogy.
Andy Bernard
(groans) Ugh! Fine. Did you see this? (points to pens in cup)
Pam Beesly
It's nice.
Andy Bernard
I mean... (Pam giggles)

Scene 33

14 lines
Nellie Bertram
How are you feeling?
Dwight Schrute
Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle.
Nellie Bertram
Can I see the wound?
Dwight Schrute
(show her the wound) Oh God.
Nellie Bertram
Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed.
Dwight Schrute
You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass.
Nellie Bertram
A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet.
Dwight Schrute
That's right.
Nellie Bertram
That is amazing. Todd, look at that.
Todd Packer
Oh, yikes. Incoming- (tries to touch the wound)
Dwight Schrute
Ah! Not so fast.
Nellie Bertram
Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you (points to both) have a lot to offer.
Todd Packer
It would be an honor, ma'am.
Dwight Schrute
I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix.

Scene 35

5 lines
Andy Bernard
(answers the reception phone) Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew.
Donna Muraski
Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin?
Andy Bernard
Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple of weeks.
Donna Muraski
Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart. You tell her Donna Muraski misses her.
Andy Bernard
I miss her too.

Scene 36

10 lines
Nellie Bertram
Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. (cheers, claps)
Wally Amos
Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos-
Stanley Hudson
What's under the cloth?
Wally Amos
We'll get to that.
Todd Packer
Cookies. Bet you anything it’s cookies.
Wally Amos
It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first.
Nellie Bertram
Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies! (everyone goes for the cookies)
Erin Hannon
Famous, hi. I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time, but I-
Wally Amos
Is it oatmeal with no raisins?
Erin Hannon
I'm sorry to have wasted your time.