After Hours

Jim's hotel room gets a little crowded when Cathy refuses to leave and Dwight shows up to hunt for a "smug" bedbug. Between the Tallahassee drama and the awkward Jamaican feast in Scranton, there's plenty to catch up on. Here's the full script and every line of dialogue from the episode so you won't miss a single "Talla-nasty" moment.

Pam Beesly
Hey Angela, you wanna see a picture of Phillip wearing those little booties you got us?
Angela Martin
So cute.
Oscar Martinez
Hey, you guys want to see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes? He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these. Now going out in the rain is all he wants to do.
Pam Beesly
Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.
Angela Martin
News flash - If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.
Pam Beesly
Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.
Angela Martin
That is where we disagree.
Oscar Martinez
Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet?
Pam Beesly
No, three-month-old humans don't do that.
Angela Martin
My Phillip is crawling.
Pam Beesly
Angela is such a liar!
Oscar Martinez
It's maddening!
Oscar Martinez
Exactly. That's just like crate training. All night long, all night long.
Pam Beesly
Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide, I mean, you'll never sleep again.
Angela Martin
No one said "you must have two"
Oscar Martinez
Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you, no.
Angela Martin
No thank you.
Andy Bernard
(laughing) Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has NO idea what he just got himself into. There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat…am i right?
Angela & Pam
Unbelievable!
Oscar Martinez
Un-be-liev-a-ble.
Nellie Bertram
It is the end of the day, it is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow. That's not bad, is it?
Todd Packer
That's great.
Dwight Schrute
Pretty good.
Nellie Bertram
Well thank you. This is very helpful feedback. (Dwight raises his hand) Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP.
Dwight Schrute
(laughing) That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like 'oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?' Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.
Nellie Bertram
I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.
Dwight Schrute
Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-
Jim Halpert
Catching butterflies.
Dwight Schrute
That's a hobby, unless it's for food.
Jim Halpert
Theater.
Dwight Schrute
Waste of time.
Jim Halpert
Dragging.
Dwight Schrute
That's just a verb.
Jim Halpert
Dragging sticks.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks.
Nellie Bertram
Alright, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just… you three, no.
Todd Packer
Not good enough (clicks tongue)
Dwight Schrute
English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. (British accent) You're crap. You're wonderful. (back to American) They're mean, but they're incisive.
Nellie Bertram
Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it compulsory.
Todd Packer
I'll be there at 6:00
Cathy
Ugh, we're gonna have one of those crazy nights, aren't we? Maybe we'll see the real 'Talla-nasty' we've been hearing so much about.
Jim Halpert
'Talla-nasty', very clever.
Cathy
Thank you-
Gabe Lewis
Wait, wait, you think she invented 'Talla-nasty?' (chuckles) no, no, no, no…
Jim Halpert
Cathy? It's been great. Fun, normal. (in voiceover) I thought I was gonna be hanging out with stanley on this trip, but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon.
Stanley Hudson
My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? (Jim slowly slinks down in his seat, with the 'Jim Face'). Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no?
Andy Bernard
Okay, everybody. 5:00. Workday is over. Put your pencils down. Aaannnnddd bring 'em back up, because now, the late night work jam begins!
Pam Beesly
Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard, we are good to go!
Andy Bernard
Say what?
Pam Beesly
We are good to goooo!
Andy Bernard
Say what?
Pam Beesly
We're good to goooo!
Angela Martin
Stop it.
Andy Bernard
Say-
Angela Martin
Stop it.
Oscar Martinez
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Tonight we're staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip.
Pam Beesly
Yes, of course, we could've just been doing this the whole time, but SOMEONE dropped the ball.
Andy Bernard
…ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.
Todd Packer
Jason Bourne would kick Bond's ass.
Nellie Bertram
Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government's out to get him.
Dwight Schrute
Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children … What? it's true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder)
Todd Packer
Okay, drinking game. Count of three, take three sips.
Dwight Schrute
That's a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback.
Gabe Lewis
What happens if you're the hunchback?
Dwight Schrute
Oh, you get kicked.
Jim Halpert
How many buttons do you have?
Dwight Schrute
(takes out bag) 40. Always.
Cathy
Can I see?
Dwight Schrute
Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy)
Cathy
So, I get to kick you now.
Dwight Schrute
No, they're not transferrable just 'cause I handed 'em to you.
Cathy
Well, that's how I played it in college.
Jim Halpert
College rules (Cathy throws Jim the bag and Jim kicks Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
Aah!
Todd Packer
Aaaaand he host at his own lame game.
Nellie Bertram
Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit.
Todd Packer
Thank you.
Ryan Howard
I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please.
Erin Hannon
And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup.
Waitress
Sorry, no waffles.
Erin Hannon
Oh, okay. Just forget it, then. Forget it. Forget it.
Ryan Howard
A waffle?
Erin Hannon
A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy?
Ryan Howard
No.
Erin Hannon
I'm moving down here, you know.
Ryan Howard
Oh, no, I didn't know.
Erin Hannon
I'm young, and I can … and if I can't, I'm still pretty young. I guess I'll always be young.
Ryan Howard
You come with me. We're gonna get you that waffle.
Ryan Howard
Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka-who run at her? (Erin walks over) Hey.
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Watson carpet and tile.
Kevin Malone
One order.
Oscar Martinez
Order reference number 00983-126.
Phyllis Vance
Eight Cases, bright white inkjet.
Angela Martin
Paid.
Kelly Kapoor
I'm dying!
Darryl Philbin
Processed.
Val
And delivered.
Kelly Kapoor
Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sorta feel out what the situation calls for.
Nellie Bertram
I will be right back.
Todd Packer
I will be here.
Dwight Schrute
Hey. I see what you're doing. It's futile. the VP position is mine.
Todd Packer
Oh, please, You're through. She's going to give it to me as I'm giving it to her tonight. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. (clicks tongue, whinnies)
Dwight Schrute
Well, saddles… (clicks tongue, whinnies) … sometimes fall off, especially if you don't properly cinch the girth.
Todd Packer
What? That's a joke, right? You see the way she's all over me.
Dwight Schrute
If anyone's having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it's me, and I'm not joking at all. If you don't tighten your saddle, you may fall off.
Andy Bernard
Who is ready for dinner? "oh, I bet it's pizza, or tacos, or something stupid". No. (claps) I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves… (takes foil off tray) (Jamaican accent) A Jamaican feast, mon!
Phyllis Vance
If I wanted Jamaican food I'd just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.
Andy Bernard
Additional trivia factoid, this food comes to us through Val. And our server is none other than Brandon, her boyf!
Val
Hey.
Brandon
How you doing, Val? (Val and Brandon kiss)
Oscar Martinez
Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there. Crazy stuff.
Brandon
Oh no, I'm not actually Jamaican.
Oscar Martinez
Terrific.
Darryl Philbin
What's up man? I'm Darryl.
Brandon
Darryl, I heard about you. You doing good?
Darryl Philbin
Oh yeah.
Brandon
Must be doing real good since you're f***ing my girlfriend.
Everyone
Whoa.
Kevin Malone
Dude, you didn't tell me you were f***ing Val. High five!
Darryl Philbin
I'm not sleeping with your girlfriend.
Val
Brandon, what the hell are you talking about?
Brandon
Don't play dumb with me. I know what's up.
Val
Honey, I am not sleeping with-
Andy Bernard
Heyyy… let's get back to the food. Brandon, tell us about these delicious looking goops!
Brandon
Hope you all like goat.
Andy Bernard
Goat…
Nellie Bertram
Blow in my ear.
Todd Packer
Alright.
Nellie Bertram
Like I'm on the beach.
Dwight Schrute
(imitates seagull calls) Seagull. (Continues seagull calls)
Nellie Bertram
And a wave crashing… a wave crashing.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, that is lovely.
Jim Halpert
Alright, that's gonna do it for me tonight. Have a lovely evening.
Jim Halpert
Hey, how's it going?
Cathy
Hey, uh, good. Uh, the heating system though in my room is all messed up. It's like 90 degrees in there. Maintenance is working on it. Can I hang out here?
Jim Halpert
Uh… yeah, I'm just watching basketball.
Cathy
Okay, yeah.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Cathy
Cool… (Jumps onto bed) Is this March Madness? I love March Madness.
Jim Halpert
Oh, no, that's not this 'cause that's in… March. Uh, this is just the NBA. Professional. Miami Heat, actually, so… (sits on floor)
Cathy
LeBron James.
Jim Halpert
Yes, nice. Good word association
Cathy
(giggles)
Nellie Bertram
Impressive.
Dwight Schrute
Oh please, anyone can tie a knot, the real skill is in untying it (puts string in his mouth)
Andy Bernard
Thornwood Wholesalers.
Kevin Malone
One order.
Brandon
I read the text you sent to Val, man.
Val
That's messed up.
Angela Martin
Is this spicy?
Brandon
No, baby girl. It would be messed up if I didn't find anything, but I did, so-
Andy Bernard
I'm pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text, it was about some paper emergency or something.
Brandon
At midnight?
Andy Bernard
… yeah…
Kevin Malone
It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery…
Kelly Kapoor
Guys, we're not gonna settle anything this way. I think we just need to be grown-ups here.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
Kelly Kapoor
I thin we're gonna need to here those texts.
Andy Bernard
Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before?
Kelly Kapoor
No. There's no way in hell I'm leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life, I am staying here. Darryl, read the texts.
Jim Halpert
Yup, coming. (opens door) All right.
Stanley Hudson
My mini bar is oddly out of rum.
Jim Halpert
We have plenty.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, hello. (laughs with Cathy)
Jim Halpert
Do you want to watch the game with us? We're watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game.
Stanley Hudson
Got it. Good night. Careful Jim, it gets easier and easier.
Jim Halpert
No, no, no, Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
mm-hmm. (about to leave)
Jim Halpert
Stanley. Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
uh-huh.
Jim Halpert
Stanley. Uhh… you know what? Just bring back those bottles!
Erin Hannon
Whoa. the lights are still on.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off.
Erin Hannon
I like how guys just know stuff all the time.
Ryan Howard
Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay? And nobody knows more than you. Especially me.
Erin Hannon
(gasps) Hello, waffle iron.
Ryan Howard
Hello, what do we have here?
Erin Hannon
Okay, so the recipe says we need a mixing bowl…
Ryan Howard
Right.
Erin Hannon
… a measuring cup…
Ryan Howard
Got that. (Metallic thud) Get down.
Erin Hannon
(whispers) It's the fuzz!
Ryan Howard
(whispers) Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.
Darryl Philbin
"I got too much ice cream. You want some?" "Getting' my fry on."
Kelly Kapoor
Boring.
Darryl Philbin
Uh, "The moon is huge tonight."
Phyllis Vance
Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry.
Darryl Philbin
That's regular text talk.
Brandon
You forgot one.
Darryl Philbin
"You're such a great friend."
Brandon
With the dots.
Darryl Philbin
"You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot."
Kelly Kapoor
Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means 'to be continued', four dots is a typo, but five dots means "Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
Everyone
Oh…
Brandon
See? Yes. Thank you, sister.
Val
Brandon, Darryl and me? That's ridiculous, right?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I'm stranded on shutter island over here.
Nellie Bertram
You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit.
Dwight Schrute
You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree? (cell phone rings) …ahhmmm… excuse me… What?! Not now, I'm busy.
Jim Halpert
(on phone) I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to know that I saw a bedbug in my room. But, never mind, sorry to interrupt.
Dwight Schrute
Wait wait wait wait, bedbugs? Oh no… Freak, I need a favor.
Gabe Lewis
Well, then you have to call me by my name. Gabriel Susan Lewis.
Dwight Schrute
I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie.
Gabe Lewis
What's in it for GSL?
Dwight Schrute
You really want Packer as your boss?
Gabe Lewis
Got it.
Dwight Schrute
If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.
Dwight Schrute
Where did you see it?
Jim Halpert
In the bed.
Cathy
I haven't seen anything.
Dwight Schrute
We gotta find it before it eggs. (pulls sheets off bed)
Cathy
Jeez…
Dwight Schrute
Describe it.
Jim Halpert
Brown, shiny, painful bite.
Dwight Schrute
Could be a bat weevil… Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?
Jim Halpert
Stressed, but to be fair, it was a tense situation.
Dwight Schrute
Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?
Jim Halpert
So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this.
Dwight Schrute
Pshh. That's a bedbug.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Everything's a joke.
Jim Halpert
I know.
Dwight Schrute
Check your hair! (checks Jim's hair)
Jim Halpert
Ow.
Dwight Schrute
God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this.
Jim Halpert
Just check it.
Dwight Schrute
You are clean. Okay… One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide (starts running in place and turning up the thermostat) I am going to generate myself into a human trap. (starts to take off clothes) When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we'll see who's laughing. (dastardly laugh)
Jim Halpert
Alright.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. (jumps into bed) Cover me!
Cathy
Is this really nessecary?
Jim Halpert
He knows what he's doing.
Dwight Schrute
Let the bedbugs bite!
Cathy
Ugh, god, I feel so gross. I have to go take a shower.
Jim Halpert
Alright, then I will catch you later… What do we do now?
Dwight Schrute
We wait. (Shower starts) Come to papa.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Jim Halpert
I don't know, Dwight, I think maybe you should check again.
Dwight Schrute
Nope, I wasn't bitten.
Jim Halpert
Well, maybe it isn't warm enough in here.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, it's plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect.
Jim Halpert
Come on.
Dwight Schrute
If there were any in here, They would've imbedded themselves in me.
Jim Halpert
You know what? Maybe they just ate.
Dwight Schrute
No, you're good. Clean bill of health! Besides I gotta get back downstairs. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long.
Jim Halpert
Okay, they're fine. They're adults.
Dwight Schrute
No, that's the problem. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first.
Jim Halpert
Is that really how you want to get this job?
Dwight Schrute
Such a chorus girl.
Jim Halpert
Okay, Dwight… Dwight… Dwight, Dwight Dwight!… uh…
Cathy
(in a bathrobe) Is crazy gone?
Nellie Bertram
Oh!
Gabe Lewis
They don't make these cords in boot cut anymore!
Dwight Schrute
Euughh… Pathetic, huh? A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present… Hey.
Cathy
Yeah, one death by chocolate, one bananas foster… Okay, cool. Thanks… I know, I'm a pig, right?
Jim Halpert
Hmm? No.
Cathy
(giggles) Wait, this why I exercise like a fiend. Feel. Seriously.
Jim Halpert
Okay alright. (gets up) I'm really sorry, uh, I just have to say it. I'm-I'm married. I'm very happily married.
Cathy
Oh my God, what are you thinking?
Jim Halpert
um… I mean-
Cathy
I know that you're married, I sat at your wife's desk. How little do you think of me?
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I'm-I'm I misread things. Okay, let's just go back to watching.
Cathy
Can you… without running to the other side of the room all night?
Jim Halpert
Yes, I can. (Cathy laughs) uh, all right. I'm really sorry. I think we'll just… we'll just watch. You can watch, not watch, whatever you want to do. Take another shower, I don't care.
Cathy
Okay. (Sits next to Jim.) I am so cold.
Jim Halpert
(Jim Face)
Pam Beesly
Hey, Darryl. You okay?
Darryl Philbin
She's got a boyfriend.
Andy Bernard
Play it cool, man. She'll come around.
Pam Beesly
No, you should go for it. I mean nothing would've happened with me and Jim if he didn't put himself out there.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, but… My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool.
Pam Beesly
My husband would tell you to go for it.
Ryan Howard
Hey.
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Ryan Howard
Hey.
Erin Hannon
Hey.
Ryan Howard
Hey, this is fun.
Erin Hannon
A lot of fun.
Ryan Howard
I know. Can I give you a compliment? I'm really impressed by how much you've grown. Since I met you, it's like night and day.
Erin Hannon
You should move down here with me.
Ryan Howard
Yeah?
Erin Hannon
We could be roommates.
Ryan Howard
Really?
Erin Hannon
We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Erin Hannon
Maybe in six months-
Ryan Howard
(louder) Six months?… um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly.
Nellie Bertram
Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts.
Dwight Schrute
Okay… Seven, one, one, nine…
Nellie Bertram
No, no, no, not numbers, no.
Dwight Schrute
No, okay.
Nellie Bertram
No.
Dwight Schrute
Try again… Ugh, I'm still getting numbers! Seven, one, one… is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? 'Cause please stop, okay?
Nellie Bertram
Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time.
Dwight Schrute
(gasps)Wait, the numbers!
Nellie Bertram
Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
oh…
Nellie Bertram
mm-hmm…
Dwight Schrute
There you go.
Nellie Bertram
I will see you in seven-
Dwight Schrute
Seven minutes. (Dwight and Nellie kiss)… Nellie, wait. Let me write my room number on the card. (chuckles). (Dwight writes on the key card scratches it with a magnet and hands it back to Nellie)
Dwight Schrute
(in voiceover) Win at all costs, don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America, and before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.
Angela Martin
1434-967, paid.
Darryl Philbin
It has been processed.
Val
It has been delivered.
Pam Beesly
That's it, last one.
Kelly Kapoor
Andy this has been an amazing night. Epic.
Andy Bernard
Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee…
Phyllis Vance
No way.
Andy Bernard
I got Romy and Michele's High School Reunion…
Val
Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again?
Darryl Philbin
Sure.
Val
Okay, thanks.
Darryl Philbin
Hey, just so you know, me and you… I don't think that's ridiculous… Dot, dot, dot… dot, dot.
Jim Halpert
All right. Now I think it's time for you to go.
Cathy
What? Oh, Jim, I thought we talked about this. You're cool, right?
Jim Halpert
Cathy, go.
Dwight Schrute
(wearing face mask with spray chemicals in hand) Where's the bug?
Jim Halpert
Awesome.
Dwight Schrute
(sprays the bed and Cathy) Stand back!
Cathy
Aah! Stop, it, oh my god! That burns! what is that?!
Dwight Schrute
(continues spraying the bed) It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid's cart!
Cathy
(coughs and moans)
Jim Halpert
Right there! (points to Cathy)
Cathy
Oh stop it, stop it, stop it!
Jim Halpert
(coughs) Oh, big one! Big one! Really big one!
Cathy
I can't breathe!
Dwight Schrute
I think I saw it!
Cathy
Stop it! (runs out the door)
Jim Halpert
Nice job, I think you got 'em.
Dwight Schrute
You can't stay here, this place is a biohazard. If I were you, I'd just bunk with Cathy.
Jim Halpert
(Jim face)
Dwight Schrute
Second best Bananas Foster I've ever had.
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah? What's the first best?
Nellie Bertram
(at the door, unsuccessfully trying to open it with the demagnetized key card) Dwight? (knocks) Hello? Dwight?
Jim Halpert
(whispers) Is that Nellie?
Dwight Schrute
(whispers) Don't let-shh!
Nellie Bertram
Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello? (knocks) (Dwight turns off the lights) Oh, look at that. The light went off, just as I said the light went on. Hello? (knocks) Dwight? (whispers) Dwight. (Dwight eats his Bananas Foster)