Every line from The Office episode "After Hours", season 8 episode 16.
Pam Beesly: Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby.
Angela Martin: News flash - If you didn't carry it around for nine months, it isn't your kid.
Pam Beesly: Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course.
Angela Martin: That is where we disagree.
Oscar Martinez: Exactly. That's just like crate training. All night long, all night long.
Pam Beesly: Well count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That's two sleep schedules, two naps that don't coincide, I mean, you'll never sleep again.
Nellie Bertram: It is the end of the day, it is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow. That's not bad, is it?
Todd Packer: That's great.
Dwight Schrute: Pretty good.
Nellie Bertram: Well thank you. This is very helpful feedback. (Dwight raises his hand) Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP.
Dwight Schrute: (laughing) That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like 'oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?' Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.
Nellie Bertram: I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.
Dwight Schrute: Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-
Jim Halpert: Catching butterflies.
Dwight Schrute: That's a hobby, unless it's for food.
Dwight Schrute: Waste of time.
Dwight Schrute: That's just a verb.
Jim Halpert: Dragging sticks.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks.
Nellie Bertram: Alright, I'm gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just… you three, no.
Todd Packer: Not good enough (clicks tongue)
Nellie Bertram: Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it compulsory.
Todd Packer: I'll be there at 6:00
Cathy: Ugh, we're gonna have one of those crazy nights, aren't we? Maybe we'll see the real 'Talla-nasty' we've been hearing so much about.
Jim Halpert: 'Talla-nasty', very clever.
Gabe Lewis: Wait, wait, you think she invented 'Talla-nasty?' (chuckles) no, no, no, no…
Jim Halpert: Cathy? It's been great. Fun, normal. (in voiceover) I thought I was gonna be hanging out with stanley on this trip, but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon.
Stanley Hudson: My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? (Jim slowly slinks down in his seat, with the 'Jim Face'). Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no?
Andy Bernard: Okay, everybody. 5:00. Workday is over. Put your pencils down. Aaannnnddd bring 'em back up, because now, the late night work jam begins!
Pam Beesly: Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard, we are good to go!
Pam Beesly: We are good to goooo!
Pam Beesly: We're good to goooo!
Andy Bernard: Tonight we're staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip.
Pam Beesly: Yes, of course, we could've just been doing this the whole time, but SOMEONE dropped the ball.
Andy Bernard: …ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.
Todd Packer: Jason Bourne would kick Bond's ass.
Nellie Bertram: Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government's out to get him.
Dwight Schrute: Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children … What? it's true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder)
Todd Packer: Okay, drinking game. Count of three, take three sips.
Dwight Schrute: That's a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback.
Gabe Lewis: What happens if you're the hunchback?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, you get kicked.
Jim Halpert: How many buttons do you have?
Dwight Schrute: (takes out bag) 40. Always.
Dwight Schrute: Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy)
Cathy: So, I get to kick you now.
Dwight Schrute: No, they're not transferrable just 'cause I handed 'em to you.
Cathy: Well, that's how I played it in college.
Jim Halpert: College rules (Cathy throws Jim the bag and Jim kicks Dwight)
Todd Packer: Aaaaand he host at his own lame game.
Nellie Bertram: Ooh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit.
Ryan Howard: I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please.
Erin Hannon: And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup.
Waitress: Sorry, no waffles.
Erin Hannon: Oh, okay. Just forget it, then. Forget it. Forget it.
Erin Hannon: A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy?
Erin Hannon: I'm moving down here, you know.
Ryan Howard: Oh, no, I didn't know.
Erin Hannon: I'm young, and I can … and if I can't, I'm still pretty young. I guess I'll always be young.
Ryan Howard: You come with me. We're gonna get you that waffle.
Pam Beesly: Watson carpet and tile.
Oscar Martinez: Order reference number 00983-126.
Phyllis Vance: Eight Cases, bright white inkjet.
Darryl Philbin: Processed.
Nellie Bertram: I will be right back.
Todd Packer: I will be here.
Dwight Schrute: Hey. I see what you're doing. It's futile. the VP position is mine.
Todd Packer: Oh, please, You're through. She's going to give it to me as I'm giving it to her tonight. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. (clicks tongue, whinnies)
Dwight Schrute: Well, saddles… (clicks tongue, whinnies) … sometimes fall off, especially if you don't properly cinch the girth.
Todd Packer: What? That's a joke, right? You see the way she's all over me.
Andy Bernard: Who is ready for dinner? "oh, I bet it's pizza, or tacos, or something stupid". No. (claps) I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves… (takes foil off tray) (Jamaican accent) A Jamaican feast, mon!
Phyllis Vance: If I wanted Jamaican food I'd just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.
Andy Bernard: Additional trivia factoid, this food comes to us through Val. And our server is none other than Brandon, her boyf!
Brandon: How you doing, Val? (Val and Brandon kiss)
Oscar Martinez: Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there. Crazy stuff.
Brandon: Oh no, I'm not actually Jamaican.
Oscar Martinez: Terrific.
Darryl Philbin: What's up man? I'm Darryl.
Brandon: Darryl, I heard about you. You doing good?
Brandon: Must be doing real good since you're f***ing my girlfriend.
Kevin Malone: Dude, you didn't tell me you were f***ing Val. High five!
Darryl Philbin: I'm not sleeping with your girlfriend.
Val: Brandon, what the hell are you talking about?
Brandon: Don't play dumb with me. I know what's up.
Val: Honey, I am not sleeping with-
Andy Bernard: Heyyy… let's get back to the food. Brandon, tell us about these delicious looking goops!
Brandon: Hope you all like goat.
Nellie Bertram: Blow in my ear.
Nellie Bertram: Like I'm on the beach.
Dwight Schrute: (imitates seagull calls) Seagull. (Continues seagull calls)
Nellie Bertram: And a wave crashing… a wave crashing.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, that is lovely.
Jim Halpert: Alright, that's gonna do it for me tonight. Have a lovely evening.
Jim Halpert: Hey, how's it going?
Cathy: Hey, uh, good. Uh, the heating system though in my room is all messed up. It's like 90 degrees in there. Maintenance is working on it. Can I hang out here?
Jim Halpert: Uh… yeah, I'm just watching basketball.
Cathy: Cool… (Jumps onto bed) Is this March Madness? I love March Madness.
Jim Halpert: Oh, no, that's not this 'cause that's in… March. Uh, this is just the NBA. Professional. Miami Heat, actually, so… (sits on floor)
Jim Halpert: Yes, nice. Good word association
Andy Bernard: Thornwood Wholesalers.
Brandon: I read the text you sent to Val, man.
Angela Martin: Is this spicy?
Brandon: No, baby girl. It would be messed up if I didn't find anything, but I did, so-
Andy Bernard: I'm pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text, it was about some paper emergency or something.
Kevin Malone: It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery…
Kelly Kapoor: Guys, we're not gonna settle anything this way. I think we just need to be grown-ups here.
Kelly Kapoor: I thin we're gonna need to here those texts.
Andy Bernard: Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before?
Kelly Kapoor: No. There's no way in hell I'm leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life, I am staying here. Darryl, read the texts.
Jim Halpert: Yup, coming. (opens door) All right.
Stanley Hudson: My mini bar is oddly out of rum.
Jim Halpert: We have plenty.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, hello. (laughs with Cathy)
Jim Halpert: Do you want to watch the game with us? We're watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game.
Stanley Hudson: Got it. Good night. Careful Jim, it gets easier and easier.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no, Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: mm-hmm. (about to leave)
Jim Halpert: Stanley. Stanley.
Jim Halpert: Stanley. Uhh… you know what? Just bring back those bottles!
Erin Hannon: Whoa. the lights are still on.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off.
Erin Hannon: I like how guys just know stuff all the time.
Ryan Howard: Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay? And nobody knows more than you. Especially me.
Erin Hannon: (gasps) Hello, waffle iron.
Ryan Howard: Hello, what do we have here?
Erin Hannon: Okay, so the recipe says we need a mixing bowl…
Erin Hannon: … a measuring cup…
Ryan Howard: Got that. (Metallic thud) Get down.
Erin Hannon: (whispers) It's the fuzz!
Ryan Howard: (whispers) Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.
Darryl Philbin: "I got too much ice cream. You want some?" "Getting' my fry on."
Darryl Philbin: Uh, "The moon is huge tonight."
Phyllis Vance: Ooh, gosh, the moon one's damning. Yeah, sorry.
Darryl Philbin: That's regular text talk.
Darryl Philbin: "You're such a great friend."
Darryl Philbin: "You're such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot."
Kelly Kapoor: Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, 'cause three dots means 'to be continued', four dots is a typo, but five dots means "Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
Brandon: See? Yes. Thank you, sister.
Val: Brandon, Darryl and me? That's ridiculous, right?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I'm stranded on shutter island over here.
Nellie Bertram: You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit.
Dwight Schrute: You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree? (cell phone rings) …ahhmmm… excuse me… What?! Not now, I'm busy.
Jim Halpert: (on phone) I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to know that I saw a bedbug in my room. But, never mind, sorry to interrupt.
Dwight Schrute: Wait wait wait wait, bedbugs? Oh no… Freak, I need a favor.
Gabe Lewis: Well, then you have to call me by my name. Gabriel Susan Lewis.
Dwight Schrute: I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie.
Gabe Lewis: What's in it for GSL?
Dwight Schrute: You really want Packer as your boss?
Dwight Schrute: Where did you see it?
Cathy: I haven't seen anything.
Dwight Schrute: We gotta find it before it eggs. (pulls sheets off bed)
Dwight Schrute: Describe it.
Jim Halpert: Brown, shiny, painful bite.
Dwight Schrute: Could be a bat weevil… Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?
Jim Halpert: Stressed, but to be fair, it was a tense situation.
Dwight Schrute: Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?
Jim Halpert: So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this.
Dwight Schrute: Pshh. That's a bedbug.
Dwight Schrute: Everything's a joke.
Dwight Schrute: Check your hair! (checks Jim's hair)
Dwight Schrute: God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this.
Jim Halpert: Just check it.
Dwight Schrute: You are clean. Okay… One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide (starts running in place and turning up the thermostat) I am going to generate myself into a human trap. (starts to take off clothes) When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we'll see who's laughing. (dastardly laugh)
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. (jumps into bed) Cover me!
Cathy: Is this really nessecary?
Jim Halpert: He knows what he's doing.
Dwight Schrute: Let the bedbugs bite!
Cathy: Ugh, god, I feel so gross. I have to go take a shower.
Jim Halpert: Alright, then I will catch you later… What do we do now?
Dwight Schrute: We wait. (Shower starts) Come to papa.
Jim Halpert: I don't know, Dwight, I think maybe you should check again.
Dwight Schrute: Nope, I wasn't bitten.
Jim Halpert: Well, maybe it isn't warm enough in here.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it's plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect.
Dwight Schrute: If there were any in here, They would've imbedded themselves in me.
Jim Halpert: You know what? Maybe they just ate.
Dwight Schrute: No, you're good. Clean bill of health! Besides I gotta get back downstairs. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long.
Jim Halpert: Okay, they're fine. They're adults.
Dwight Schrute: No, that's the problem. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first.
Jim Halpert: Is that really how you want to get this job?
Dwight Schrute: Such a chorus girl.
Jim Halpert: Okay, Dwight… Dwight… Dwight, Dwight Dwight!… uh…
Cathy: (in a bathrobe) Is crazy gone?
Cathy: Yeah, one death by chocolate, one bananas foster… Okay, cool. Thanks… I know, I'm a pig, right?
Cathy: (giggles) Wait, this why I exercise like a fiend. Feel. Seriously.
Jim Halpert: Okay alright. (gets up) I'm really sorry, uh, I just have to say it. I'm-I'm married. I'm very happily married.
Cathy: Oh my God, what are you thinking?
Cathy: I know that you're married, I sat at your wife's desk. How little do you think of me?
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, I feel like maybe I'm-I'm I misread things. Okay, let's just go back to watching.
Cathy: Can you… without running to the other side of the room all night?
Jim Halpert: Yes, I can. (Cathy laughs) uh, all right. I'm really sorry. I think we'll just… we'll just watch. You can watch, not watch, whatever you want to do. Take another shower, I don't care.
Cathy: Okay. (Sits next to Jim.) I am so cold.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Darryl. You okay?
Darryl Philbin: She's got a boyfriend.
Andy Bernard: Play it cool, man. She'll come around.
Pam Beesly: No, you should go for it. I mean nothing would've happened with me and Jim if he didn't put himself out there.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, but… My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool.
Pam Beesly: My husband would tell you to go for it.
Ryan Howard: Hey, this is fun.
Erin Hannon: A lot of fun.
Ryan Howard: I know. Can I give you a compliment? I'm really impressed by how much you've grown. Since I met you, it's like night and day.
Erin Hannon: You should move down here with me.
Erin Hannon: We could be roommates.
Erin Hannon: We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-
Erin Hannon: Maybe in six months-
Ryan Howard: (louder) Six months?… um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly.
Nellie Bertram: Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts.
Dwight Schrute: Okay… Seven, one, one, nine…
Nellie Bertram: No, no, no, not numbers, no.
Dwight Schrute: No, okay.
Dwight Schrute: Try again… Ugh, I'm still getting numbers! Seven, one, one… is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? 'Cause please stop, okay?
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time.
Dwight Schrute: (gasps)Wait, the numbers!
Dwight Schrute: There you go.
Nellie Bertram: I will see you in seven-
Dwight Schrute: Seven minutes. (Dwight and Nellie kiss)… Nellie, wait. Let me write my room number on the card. (chuckles). (Dwight writes on the key card scratches it with a magnet and hands it back to Nellie)
Dwight Schrute: (in voiceover) Win at all costs, don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America, and before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.
Angela Martin: 1434-967, paid.
Darryl Philbin: It has been processed.
Val: It has been delivered.
Pam Beesly: That's it, last one.
Kelly Kapoor: Andy this has been an amazing night. Epic.
Andy Bernard: Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee…
Andy Bernard: I got Romy and Michele's High School Reunion…
Val: Hey. I just wanted to apologize. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again?
Darryl Philbin: Hey, just so you know, me and you… I don't think that's ridiculous… Dot, dot, dot… dot, dot.
Jim Halpert: All right. Now I think it's time for you to go.
Cathy: What? Oh, Jim, I thought we talked about this. You're cool, right?
Dwight Schrute: (wearing face mask with spray chemicals in hand) Where's the bug?
Dwight Schrute: (sprays the bed and Cathy) Stand back!
Cathy: Aah! Stop, it, oh my god! That burns! what is that?!
Dwight Schrute: (continues spraying the bed) It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid's cart!
Cathy: (coughs and moans)
Jim Halpert: Right there! (points to Cathy)
Cathy: Oh stop it, stop it, stop it!
Jim Halpert: (coughs) Oh, big one! Big one! Really big one!
Dwight Schrute: I think I saw it!
Cathy: Stop it! (runs out the door)
Jim Halpert: Nice job, I think you got 'em.
Dwight Schrute: You can't stay here, this place is a biohazard. If I were you, I'd just bunk with Cathy.
Dwight Schrute: Second best Bananas Foster I've ever had.
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah? What's the first best?
Nellie Bertram: (at the door, unsuccessfully trying to open it with the demagnetized key card) Dwight? (knocks) Hello? Dwight?
Jim Halpert: (whispers) Is that Nellie?
Dwight Schrute: (whispers) Don't let-shh!
Nellie Bertram: Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello? (knocks) (Dwight turns off the lights) Oh, look at that. The light went off, just as I said the light went on. Hello? (knocks) Dwight? (whispers) Dwight. (Dwight eats his Bananas Foster)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 16 season 8. After Hours is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.