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Season 8 Episode 17
Test the Store

Every line from The Office episode "Test the Store", season 8 episode 17.

Dwight Schrute: Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR (imitating trumpet) and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine.
Ryan Howard: Are you holding this chair?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Ryan Howard: ‘cause I feel like I’m gonna fall off.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Yes.
Ryan Howard: I’m not wearing the right shoes for this.
Dwight Schrute: We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.
Erin Hannon: Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening.
Erin Hannon: Hey, my name’s Tabitha. I’m camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid. Psst. It’s me Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype, and it’s working. There’s already people camped out behind me.
Nellie Bertram: Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I’m this patrician goddess. But here’s the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, (cockney accent) I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than … what’s lower than dirt?
Dwight Schrute: Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.
Nellie Bertram: Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didn’t even get a callback.
Jim Halpert: Which Spice Girl?
Nellie Bertram: The black one. I never stood a chance.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Nellie Bertram: Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much.
Todd Packer: Yep
Dwight Schrute: Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing – bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You’re gonna love ‘em. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a world’s fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?
Ryan Howard: When people see this presentation, they’re gonna (bleep) in their pants.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Come on, man.
Cathy: Seriously disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.
Cathy: Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea.
Dwight Schrute: Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid.
Todd Packer: Uh…
Nellie Bertram: Uh… that is excellent.
Todd Packer: I don’t see what that gets us, but I’m a team player.
Dwight Schrute: Perfect casting, right?
Todd Packer: Schrute’s out to get me. But I’m playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.
Nellie Bertram: I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.
Dwight Schrute: Speaking of pimples, let’s release the BLOGGERS!
Andy Bernard: Morning, everyone.
Kevin Malone: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy Bernard: Don’t care. Tell me later.
Kevin Malone: Listen, it’s important. You’ve gotta hear this.
Andy Bernard: What do you got?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, my god!
Phyllis Vance: Do you have a black eye?
Andy Bernard: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin Malone: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy Bernard: What?
Kevin Malone: It’s not a kid on a bike. It’s a man in a car.
Darryl Philbin: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith Palmer: Hey, I was on the can. What’s this about a black guy in the office?
Angela Martin: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly Kapoor: Will someone please explain what’s going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, it’s like my life is buffering.
Andy Bernard: Here’s what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam…
Pam Beesly: That’s true.
Andy Bernard: They had, uh… weapons.
Pam Beesly: Weapons.
Andy Bernard: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam Beesly: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy Bernard: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam Beesly: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar Martinez: Good job Andy.
Kevin Malone: Yeah (all murmuring)
Andy Bernard: I didn’t do anything any of you wouldn’t have done.
Dwight Schrute: Open the gates! There’s plenty for everyone. No need to panic. There’s plenty for everyone!
Man: Quit it.
Dwight Schrute: There’s plenty. Don’t stampede. No need to stampede, sir.
Erin Hannon: I was ahead of you!
Dwight Schrute: Okay, okay. Hey, hey. It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. There’s plenty of Pyramids.
Erin Hannon: Come on. I was in line before you.
Cathy: So you’re a blogger right?
Blogger: Yeah. Blogger.
Cathy: God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. I’m trying to be a good girl for once.
Erin Hannon: Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I don’t want to leave yet. I haven’t had so much fun since seeing… zoo-Ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla music festival. So fun.
Oscar Martinez: How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!
Andy Bernard: No.
Angela Martin: Yes.
Andy Bernard: No, no, no, no, no, we don’t need to call the police. They’ll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone’s business, right, Pam?
Pam Beesly: Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.
Andy Bernard: And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area.
Angela Martin: Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?
Andy Bernard: Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.
Pam Beesly: 1-8-5-0-5.
Darryl Philbin: Guys, guys. That’s so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7.
Phyllis Vance: Look, I don’t feel safe. I think we should call the police.
Angela Martin: Yes.
Andy Bernard: Exactly. We need to feel safe, which is why… Toby is giving us self defense training.
Toby Flenderson: Me?
Andy Bernard: Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, um... I can’t believe you remembered. I do self-defense. Um, I’ll go put on my cup.
Andy Bernard: Great.
Nellie Bertram: Yes!
Blogger: Okay.
Nellie Bertram: I wasn’t really sure which one of you is Chuck.
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?
Blogger: Look at that guy. He’s got his Sabre phone on, and he’s not even using it.
Blogger 2: This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.
Jim Halpert: Uh, I - I gotta go. Okay.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, no, no, no. It’s good. It’s really -- on the Internet, it’s a really -- that’s a really good, good, thing.
Dwight Schrute: Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?
Jim Halpert: I’m very sorry.
Nellie Bertram: We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? “Hello. Hi sweetie. It’s Jim. I’m calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape.”
Jim Halpert: I’m really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?
Dwight Schrute: You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck!  Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.
Dwight Schrute: Point it towards the store, idiot!
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over.
Dwight Schrute: Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!
Erin Hannon: We are closed! Come on.
Toby Flenderson: Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Let’s try it.
Creed Bratton: (smacks Meredith’s head) (screams) (runs out)
Meredith Palmer: Ow.
Toby Flenderson: That may have been my fault.
Meredith Palmer: What the hell, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you’re not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. “It’s all about the groin.”
Andy Bernard: What if you’re being attacked by a … smallish man who happens to not have a groin?
Toby Flenderson: I don’t think that’s very common.
Andy Bernard: What if you’re being attacked by a 4’11” man who is penisless?
Oscar Martinez: Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?
Andy Bernard: Why don’t we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.
Toby Flenderson: Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female.
Andy Bernard: So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?
Toby Flenderson: It’s interesting that you’re drawn to the point of view of the attacker.  You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... (everyone groans) written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.
Angela Martin: Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.
Toby Flenderson: All right, well, let’s try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesn’t everyone stand? Okay, so... you’re being attacked. You’ve got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two.
Everyone: One, two.
Andy Bernard: (softly) Take that, kid.
Dwight Schrute: Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.
Lady Blogger: Patty Grossman. I’m a woman.
Dwight Schrute: But you still work for Wired, right?
Patty: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Good! Okay. Flirt away.
Ryan Howard: Sabre. It’s time to come home.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think seemed like you were a little nervous.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, no (bleep), Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?
Dwight Schrute: Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen.
Ryan Howard: You know what?
Dwight Schrute: You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.
Jim Halpert: Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I’m trying to make him feel important.
Ryan Howard: God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.
Dwight Schrute: Um... (imitating Kelly) Oh, Ryan, you’re so smart. You’re smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee.
Ryan Howard: You’re so ignorant. You barely know what you’re talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books.
Dwight Schrute: What’s a book? (giggles)
Ryan Howard: On my God. You’re so embarrassing.  My mom would say the best stuff, though.
Jim Halpert: (ahem) You can... (slightly effeminate) You can do it Ryan.
Ryan Howard: And you know that I’m capable of this.
Jim Halpert: You’re the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.
Ryan Howard: What did you think of the presentation?
Jim Halpert: I thought it was great, sweetie. I would just fix that one --
Ryan Howard: Oh! “Fix” means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink!
Dwight Schrute: Jim, get him a water.
Ryan Howard: No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!
Dwight Schrute: Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!
Toby Flenderson: Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you’re alive.
Lady: Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?
Andy Bernard: (deep voice) I think you guys might have the wrong Office.
Girl: That’s him... the guy I hit.
Darryl Philbin: What?
Oscar Martinez: You’ve gotta be kidding me.
Kevin Malone: Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?
Oscar Martinez: No, Kevin -- (sighs)
Lady: What about the lady you hit with the pine cone?
Girl: There. That chubby one.
Pam Beesly: I just had a baby.
Girl: Yesterday?
Pam Beesly: Wow.
Lady: Apologize.
Girl: Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your “thin” girlfriend.
Pam Beesly: How ‘bout we wait til next year after you have your kid?
Lady: You know what? Tiffy’s going to college.
Andy Bernard: (deep voice) Listen, I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I guess I’ll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day.
Lady: God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye.
Kevin Malone: Bye.
Kelly Kapoor: So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar -- “How to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.”
Toby Flenderson: There’s no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me.
Kelly Kapoor: No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.
Darryl Philbin: Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop.
Andy Bernard: Oh... (Kelly laughing)
Dwight Schrute: Have you seen Erin?
Stanley Hudson: I’m on break.
Dwight Schrute: Oh God...  Hey no! Where do you think you’re going? You’ve gotta stay for the big presentation we’ve got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. He’s like an even more handsome Bill Gates.
Blogger: When’s the presentation?
Dwight Schrute: It’s moments away. Just stay here!
Ryan Howard: (on phone) Hey Uncle Lucas, it’s your nephew Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it’s different because it’s your wife?  Well, that doesn’t make any sense to me.
Nellie Bertram: How you doing?
Ryan Howard: Don’t talk to me right now. I’m sorry. I- I know you’re my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face. What I don’t understand is... (voice fades)
Nellie Bertram: (to Dwight) Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it.
Erin Hannon: Sorry about kicking you out. It’s just, we don’t want our brand associated with death.
Old Lady: It’s okay. I’ll go to the Costco and search for handsome men.
Erin Hannon: You’re not married yet?
Old Lady: (laughs) Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend. He passed away.
Erin Hannon: My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and we’re not really friends.
Old Lady: Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him!
Erin Hannon: Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband.
Old Lady: Well...
Dwight Schrute: How long has he been in the bathroom?
Jim Halpert: About ten minutes.
Dwight Schrute: Jeez! What’s he doing in there? (cell phone vibrates)
Jim Halpert: Oops, that’s my phone. Am I allowed to answer it or are you gonna freak out?
Dwight Schrute: Are there any bloggers around?
Jim Halpert: It’s Ryan. “I’m sorry. I lied. I’m not in the bathroom. I can’t do it. I need to see my mom. I’m going home.”
Nellie Bertram: What is the delay here? Where’s Ryan? Why is he not here?
Dwight Schrute: I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!
Jim Halpert: Uh...
Nellie Bertram: What?
Dwight Schrute: That’s right. Will you just give us a second?
Nellie Bertram: You are gonna bloody ruin it. You’re gonna bloody ruin it because you’re a no-good half-assed cock-eyed...
Jim Halpert: okay.
Nellie Bertram: That’s....
Dwight Schrute: Jim --
Jim Halpert: I’m not doing the Presentation.
Dwight Schrute: Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. I’m telling you... if you don’t do this, (whispers) I don’t stand a chance. Please, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I’ll do it.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, my God. O... Kay! Go get into Ryan’s costume and check out his notes.
Jim Halpert: A costume?
Dwight Schrute: Of course there’s a costume! (laughs)  Oh, this is gonna be great. There’s nothing like some last-minutes changes to really energize a presentation.
Dwight Schrute: Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?
Jim Halpert: I’ve been in here for 20 seconds.
Dwight Schrute: Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?
Jim Halpert: I’m not wearing eyeliner.
Dwight Schrute: You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Time. Space. Gender. (Dwight mouthing words) There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that -- the only thing that remain -- the only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time -- love, values, and of course, the pyramids -- the strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. (softly) No, that’s --
Dwight Schrute: It’s true.
Jim Halpert: This... is the future, because... This is the past. I’ve been through a lot of issues in my life. I’ve seen drug addiction -- unemployment. I’ve been in a relationship that tore my heart apart, without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain. (scattered applause)
Dwight Schrute: Yep.
Jim Halpert: When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney world. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me.  I just wanted... to go home.  This is what the Pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world. It has a usb port. Wireless... will be available in 2013.  You can play Anything from Chuck to Cars 2. With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything -- in time... and space.
Crowd: ahhhhhh
Dwight Schrute: Psst.
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Ryan Howard: (image on Pyramid) Sabre... It’s time... to come home.
Crowd: (applause)
Jim Halpert: All right.  Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night! (applause continues)
Jim Halpert: Yeah.  Thank you. Thank you.
Toby Flenderson: Okay, this isn’t over. Let’s stay focused, okay?  We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but... little things can be dangerous.
Kevin Malone: Whether it’s a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity.
Toby Flenderson: Okay. Good point...
Angela Martin: Good point? What is a tub of electricity?
Toby Flenderson: I don’t... I don’t...
Oscar Martinez: With all due respect we know what we’re defending against: a twelve year old female bully.
Kelly Kapoor: I was a twelve year old bully.
Angela Martin: Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.
Others: Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, that’s not a bad idea, actually, because I have had a lot of pent up aggression.
Angela Martin: Thanks.
Kelly Kapoor: Good. Let’s go.
Toby Flenderson: I don’t know if this is gonna help...Uh...
Angela Martin: Let’s go Kelly.
Toby Flenderson: We should stay to maybe some more traditional models...
Kelly Kapoor: You think you’re so pretty!  Well you’re not gonna be so pretty come Prom time!
Toby Flenderson: Okay, this is what’s called pre-violent posturing.
Kelly Kapoor: Take that!  Not so pre-violent anymore!
Toby Flenderson: Okay, I’m at what’s called “the decision point.”
Andy Bernard: Hey, hey, hey. Kelly Kelly, Kelly... come on.... Ow! God! My good eye!
Pam Beesly: (laughs) Oh boy. Oh no, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at, um, something that Cece did on the playground earlier -- yesterday. This morning.
Andy Bernard: You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby.  I stepped in and I didn’t care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, “Where were you when the girls came?”
Andy Bernard: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank a half a bottle of wine, took my pants off.  I just feel good!
Dwight Schrute: Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it.  We could have integrated more Chuck into the Presentation.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight.  You’re the vice president.
Dwight Schrute: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah!
Nellie Bertram: (squealing)
Dwight Schrute: Okay! Come on!
Nellie Bertram: aagh!
Dwight Schrute: Hah! Yah! (kicking and punching the air) Boom!

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