Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Test the Store

Vol. 8 · Issue 17Scranton, PA

Here's the complete script for the big Sabre store launch. Between Dwight trying to act like a boss and Andy's embarrassing run-in with a middle schooler, there’s a lot to keep track of. You can look through every line of dialogue from the episode right here, including Jim’s questionable presentation for the Pyramid.

Scene 01

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR (imitating trumpet) and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine.
Ryan Howard
Are you holding this chair?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Ryan Howard
‘cause I feel like I’m gonna fall off.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Yes.
Ryan Howard
I’m not wearing the right shoes for this.
Dwight Schrute
We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.
Erin Hannon
Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening.

Scene 02

1 line
Erin Hannon
Hey, my name’s Tabitha. I’m camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid. Psst. It’s me Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype, and it’s working. There’s already people camped out behind me.

Scene 03

17 lines
Nellie Bertram
Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I’m this patrician goddess. But here’s the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, (cockney accent) I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than … what’s lower than dirt?
Dwight Schrute
Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.
Nellie Bertram
Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didn’t even get a callback.
Jim Halpert
Which Spice Girl?
Nellie Bertram
The black one. I never stood a chance.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Nellie Bertram
Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much.
Todd Packer
Yep
Dwight Schrute
Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing – bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You’re gonna love ‘em. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a world’s fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?
Ryan Howard
When people see this presentation, they’re gonna (bleep) in their pants.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Come on, man.
Cathy
Seriously disgusting.
Dwight Schrute
Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.
Cathy
Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea.
Dwight Schrute
Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid.

Scene 04

4 lines
Todd Packer
Uh…
Nellie Bertram
Uh… that is excellent.
Todd Packer
I don’t see what that gets us, but I’m a team player.
Dwight Schrute
Perfect casting, right?

Scene 05

1 line
Todd Packer
Schrute’s out to get me. But I’m playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.

Scene 06

2 lines
Nellie Bertram
I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.
Dwight Schrute
Speaking of pimples, let’s release the BLOGGERS!

Scene 07

26 lines
Andy Bernard
Morning, everyone.
Kevin Malone
Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy Bernard
Don’t care. Tell me later.
Kevin Malone
Listen, it’s important. You’ve gotta hear this.
Andy Bernard
What do you got?
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, my god!
Phyllis Vance
Do you have a black eye?
Andy Bernard
Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin Malone
I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy Bernard
What?
Kevin Malone
It’s not a kid on a bike. It’s a man in a car.
Darryl Philbin
Andy, who punched you?
Meredith Palmer
Hey, I was on the can. What’s this about a black guy in the office?
Angela Martin
Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly Kapoor
Will someone please explain what’s going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, it’s like my life is buffering.
Andy Bernard
Here’s what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam…
Pam Beesly
That’s true.
Andy Bernard
They had, uh… weapons.
Pam Beesly
Weapons.
Andy Bernard
I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam Beesly
But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy Bernard
Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam Beesly
Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar Martinez
Good job Andy.
Kevin Malone
Yeah (all murmuring)
Andy Bernard
I didn’t do anything any of you wouldn’t have done.

Scene 08

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Open the gates! There’s plenty for everyone. No need to panic. There’s plenty for everyone!
Man
Quit it.
Dwight Schrute
There’s plenty. Don’t stampede. No need to stampede, sir.
Erin Hannon
I was ahead of you!
Dwight Schrute
Okay, okay. Hey, hey. It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. There’s plenty of Pyramids.
Erin Hannon
Come on. I was in line before you.

Scene 09

3 lines
Cathy
So you’re a blogger right?
Blogger
Yeah. Blogger.
Cathy
God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. I’m trying to be a good girl for once.

Scene 10

1 line
Erin Hannon
Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I don’t want to leave yet. I haven’t had so much fun since seeing… zoo-Ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla music festival. So fun.

Scene 11

17 lines
Oscar Martinez
How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!
Andy Bernard
No.
Angela Martin
Yes.
Andy Bernard
No, no, no, no, no, we don’t need to call the police. They’ll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone’s business, right, Pam?
Pam Beesly
Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.
Andy Bernard
And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area.
Angela Martin
Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?
Andy Bernard
Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.
Pam Beesly
1-8-5-0-5.
Darryl Philbin
Guys, guys. That’s so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7.
Phyllis Vance
Look, I don’t feel safe. I think we should call the police.
Angela Martin
Yes.
Andy Bernard
Exactly. We need to feel safe, which is why… Toby is giving us self defense training.
Toby Flenderson
Me?
Andy Bernard
Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, um... I can’t believe you remembered. I do self-defense. Um, I’ll go put on my cup.
Andy Bernard
Great.

Scene 12

9 lines
Nellie Bertram
Yes!
Blogger
Okay.
Nellie Bertram
I wasn’t really sure which one of you is Chuck.
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?
Blogger
Look at that guy. He’s got his Sabre phone on, and he’s not even using it.
Blogger 2
This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.
Jim Halpert
Uh, I - I gotta go. Okay.
Nellie Bertram
Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no, no, no. It’s good. It’s really -- on the Internet, it’s a really -- that’s a really good, good, thing.

Scene 13

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?
Jim Halpert
I’m very sorry.
Nellie Bertram
We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? “Hello. Hi sweetie. It’s Jim. I’m calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape.”
Jim Halpert
I’m really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?
Dwight Schrute
You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck!  Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.

Scene 14

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Point it towards the store, idiot!

Scene 15

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(laughs) You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over.

Scene 16

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!
Erin Hannon
We are closed! Come on.

Scene 17

18 lines
Toby Flenderson
Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Let’s try it.
Creed Bratton
(smacks Meredith’s head) (screams) (runs out)
Meredith Palmer
Ow.
Toby Flenderson
That may have been my fault.
Meredith Palmer
What the hell, Toby?
Toby Flenderson
Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you’re not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. “It’s all about the groin.”
Andy Bernard
What if you’re being attacked by a … smallish man who happens to not have a groin?
Toby Flenderson
I don’t think that’s very common.
Andy Bernard
What if you’re being attacked by a 4’11” man who is penisless?
Oscar Martinez
Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?
Andy Bernard
Why don’t we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.
Toby Flenderson
Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female.
Andy Bernard
So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?
Toby Flenderson
It’s interesting that you’re drawn to the point of view of the attacker.  You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... (everyone groans) written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.
Angela Martin
Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.
Toby Flenderson
All right, well, let’s try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesn’t everyone stand? Okay, so... you’re being attacked. You’ve got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two.
Everyone
One, two.
Andy Bernard
(softly) Take that, kid.

Scene 18

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.
Lady Blogger
Patty Grossman. I’m a woman.
Dwight Schrute
But you still work for Wired, right?
Patty
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Good! Okay. Flirt away.

Scene 19

22 lines
Ryan Howard
Sabre. It’s time to come home.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think ...it seemed like you were a little nervous.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, no (bleep), Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?
Dwight Schrute
Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen.
Ryan Howard
You know what?
Dwight Schrute
You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.
Jim Halpert
Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I’m trying to make him feel important.
Ryan Howard
God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.
Dwight Schrute
Um... (imitating Kelly) Oh, Ryan, you’re so smart. You’re smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee.
Ryan Howard
You’re so ignorant. You barely know what you’re talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books.
Dwight Schrute
What’s a book? (giggles)
Ryan Howard
On my God. You’re so embarrassing.  My mom would say the best stuff, though.
Jim Halpert
(ahem) You can... (slightly effeminate) You can do it Ryan.
Ryan Howard
And you know that I’m capable of this.
Jim Halpert
You’re the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.
Ryan Howard
What did you think of the presentation?
Jim Halpert
I thought it was great, sweetie. I would just fix that one --
Ryan Howard
Oh! “Fix” means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink!
Dwight Schrute
Jim, get him a water.
Ryan Howard
No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!
Dwight Schrute
Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!

Scene 20

25 lines
Toby Flenderson
Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you’re alive.
Lady
Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?
Andy Bernard
(deep voice) I think you guys might have the wrong Office.
Girl
That’s him... the guy I hit.
Darryl Philbin
What?
Oscar Martinez
You’ve gotta be kidding me.
Kevin Malone
Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?
Oscar Martinez
No, Kevin -- (sighs)
Lady
What about the lady you hit with the pine cone?
Girl
There. That chubby one.
Pam Beesly
I just had a baby.
Girl
Yesterday?
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Lady
Apologize.
Girl
Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your “thin” girlfriend.
Pam Beesly
How ‘bout we wait til next year after you have your kid?
Lady
You know what? Tiffy’s going to college.
Andy Bernard
(deep voice) Listen, I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but I guess I’ll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day.
Lady
God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye.
Kevin Malone
Bye.
Kelly Kapoor
So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar -- “How to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.”
Toby Flenderson
There’s no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me.
Kelly Kapoor
No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.
Darryl Philbin
Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop.
Andy Bernard
Oh... (Kelly laughing)

Scene 21

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Have you seen Erin?
Stanley Hudson
I’m on break.
Dwight Schrute
Oh God...  Hey no! Where do you think you’re going? You’ve gotta stay for the big presentation we’ve got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. He’s like an even more handsome Bill Gates.
Blogger
When’s the presentation?
Dwight Schrute
It’s moments away. Just stay here!

Scene 22

4 lines
Ryan Howard
(on phone) Hey Uncle Lucas, it’s your nephew Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it’s different because it’s your wife?  Well, that doesn’t make any sense to me.
Nellie Bertram
How you doing?
Ryan Howard
Don’t talk to me right now. I’m sorry. I- I know you’re my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face. What I don’t understand is... (voice fades)
Nellie Bertram
(to Dwight) Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it.

Scene 23

8 lines
Erin Hannon
Sorry about kicking you out. It’s just, we don’t want our brand associated with death.
Old Lady
It’s okay. I’ll go to the Costco and search for handsome men.
Erin Hannon
You’re not married yet?
Old Lady
(laughs) Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend. He passed away.
Erin Hannon
My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and we’re not really friends.
Old Lady
Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him!
Erin Hannon
Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband.
Old Lady
Well...

Scene 24

21 lines
Dwight Schrute
How long has he been in the bathroom?
Jim Halpert
About ten minutes.
Dwight Schrute
Jeez! What’s he doing in there? (cell phone vibrates)
Jim Halpert
Oops, that’s my phone. Am I allowed to answer it or are you gonna freak out?
Dwight Schrute
Are there any bloggers around?
Jim Halpert
It’s Ryan. “I’m sorry. I lied. I’m not in the bathroom. I can’t do it. I need to see my mom. I’m going home.”
Nellie Bertram
What is the delay here? Where’s Ryan? Why is he not here?
Dwight Schrute
I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!
Jim Halpert
Uh...
Nellie Bertram
What?
Dwight Schrute
That’s right. Will you just give us a second?
Nellie Bertram
You are gonna bloody ruin it. You’re gonna bloody ruin it because you’re a no-good half-assed cock-eyed...
Jim Halpert
okay.
Nellie Bertram
That’s....
Dwight Schrute
Jim --
Jim Halpert
I’m not doing the Presentation.
Dwight Schrute
Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. I’m telling you... if you don’t do this, (whispers) I don’t stand a chance. Please, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Okay, I’ll do it.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, my God. O... Kay! Go get into Ryan’s costume and check out his notes.
Jim Halpert
A costume?
Dwight Schrute
Of course there’s a costume! (laughs)  Oh, this is gonna be great. There’s nothing like some last-minutes changes to really energize a presentation.

Scene 25

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?
Jim Halpert
I’ve been in here for 20 seconds.
Dwight Schrute
Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?
Jim Halpert
I’m not wearing eyeliner.
Dwight Schrute
You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.

Scene 26

12 lines
Jim Halpert
Time. Space. Gender. (Dwight mouthing words) There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that -- the only thing that remain -- the only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time -- love, values, and of course, the pyramids -- the strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. (softly) No, that’s --
Dwight Schrute
It’s true.
Jim Halpert
This... is the future, because... This is the past. I’ve been through a lot of issues in my life. I’ve seen drug addiction -- unemployment. I’ve been in a relationship that tore my heart apart, without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain. (scattered applause)
Dwight Schrute
Yep.
Jim Halpert
When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney world. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me.  I just wanted... to go home.  This is what the Pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world. It has a usb port. Wireless... will be available in 2013.  You can play Anything from Chuck to Cars 2. With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything -- in time... and space.
Crowd
ahhhhhh
Dwight Schrute
Psst.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Ryan Howard
(image on Pyramid) Sabre... It’s time... to come home.
Crowd
(applause)
Jim Halpert
All right.  Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night! (applause continues)
Jim Halpert
Yeah.  Thank you. Thank you.

Scene 27

22 lines
Toby Flenderson
Okay, this isn’t over. Let’s stay focused, okay?  We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but... little things can be dangerous.
Kevin Malone
Whether it’s a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity.
Toby Flenderson
Okay. Good point...
Angela Martin
Good point? What is a tub of electricity?
Toby Flenderson
I don’t... I don’t...
Oscar Martinez
With all due respect we know what we’re defending against: a twelve year old female bully.
Kelly Kapoor
I was a twelve year old bully.
Angela Martin
Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby.
Others
Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, that’s not a bad idea, actually, because I have had a lot of pent up aggression.
Angela Martin
Thanks.
Kelly Kapoor
Good. Let’s go.
Toby Flenderson
I don’t know if this is gonna help...Uh...
Angela Martin
Let’s go Kelly.
Toby Flenderson
We should stay to maybe some more traditional models...
Kelly Kapoor
You think you’re so pretty!  Well you’re not gonna be so pretty come Prom time!
Toby Flenderson
Okay, this is what’s called pre-violent posturing.
Kelly Kapoor
Take that!  Not so pre-violent anymore!
Toby Flenderson
Okay, I’m at what’s called “the decision point.”
Andy Bernard
Hey, hey, hey. Kelly Kelly, Kelly... come on.... Ow! God! My good eye!
Pam Beesly
(laughs) Oh boy. Oh no, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at, um, something that Cece did on the playground earlier -- yesterday. This morning.
Andy Bernard
You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby.  I stepped in and I didn’t care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, “Where were you when the girls came?”

Scene 28

1 line
Andy Bernard
Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank a half a bottle of wine, took my pants off.  I just feel good!

Scene 29

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it.  We could have integrated more Chuck into the Presentation.
Nellie Bertram
Dwight.  You’re the vice president.
Dwight Schrute
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah!
Nellie Bertram
(squealing)
Dwight Schrute
Okay! Come on!
Nellie Bertram
aagh!
Dwight Schrute
Hah! Yah! (kicking and punching the air) Boom!