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Season 8 Episode 18
Last Day In Florida

Every line from The Office episode "Last Day In Florida", season 8 episode 18.

Andy Bernard: (exiting office) Everyone stop what you're doing, I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
Everyone: (gasps) What?! Why is that?
Andy Bernard: He's gone, damn it! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail and he's staying in Florida forever.
Angela Martin: So, he's alive.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Angela Martin: Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
Andy Bernard: How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke (slight pause) of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
Phyllis Vance: If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure?
Oscar Martinez: You guys, we've gone over this, there is no treasure. (Erin retrieves the "treasure box" and slams it down on Dwight's desk)
Oscar Martinez: When the team left for Tallahassee, Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure. (cut to Dwight holding treasure chest and telling the office "Don't touch my treasure. Ok, you understand?") Obviously he wants us to obsess about it. There's nothing in there. (has realization) Which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure. Oh god, I'm Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride.
Andy Bernard: I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure. (everyone disagrees)
Oscar Martinez: I am dying to know what's in there.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I know, Oscar we all are but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane. (everyone turns to look at Creed)
Creed Bratton: Hi, hello.
Andy Bernard: (to Creed standing in front of the "treasure box") Now, carefully... open the box.
Creed Bratton: (opens box, pulls out and displays contents) It's a photo of all of us.
Pam Beesly: Aw, that's so sweet! (dart fires out of box and lodges in ceiling)
Dwight Schrute: (feigning surprise) A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart, well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison. I mean, I just have to imagine. God, I'm glad he's OK though. Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all. Wow!
Dwight Schrute: (on a golf course) Well, mister ball, it's been a pleasure. Now, give my regards to hell. Da! (hits ball)
Nellie Bertram: Oh, all right! Well swung my VIP VP.
Robert California: I am loving the chemistry between you two.
Nellie Bertram: I am so happy Dwight is gonna be working alongside me. We are a regular Archibald and his man George.
Robert California: I bet. I'm excited.
Nellie Bertram: Trick... there's no such thing. It's not even a real English duo.
Dwight Schrute: Ah!
Nellie Bertram: I just made you look like the goat of Dover. And that doesn't exist either.
Dwight Schrute: (to Robert) You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. (Robert gives a fake laugh)
Jim Halpert: Oh, that reminds me. (reaching into golf cart) Little something from all of us. (hand Dwight a small wrapped gift)
Dwight Schrute: (sarcastically) Oh my gosh, thank you Jim, that's so thoughtful. (sets gift on golf tee) Four! (smashes gift) Oh yeah!
Nellie Bertram: He doesn't even care.
Dwight Schrute: Don't even care!
Jim Halpert: This is the last time I'll ever see Dwight. It's a weird feeling, it's, um, what's the word? It's not, it's not bittersweet. It's uh... sweet. Yeah.
Darryl Philbin: (entering Andy's office) Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada. Want the same as last year?
Andy Bernard: Would if I could. And I can so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice.
Darryl Philbin: I'll put you down for shortbreads.
Andy Bernard: Damn it.
Toby Flenderson: (entering Andy's office) Knock, knock. Hey, Sasha's first year in the troops, so I'm selling cookies for her. Anyway, would you like some?
Darryl Philbin: No. No.
Toby Flenderson: What?
Darryl Philbin: I been selling here for five years. This is my spot.
Toby Flenderson: You can't claim territories. This is the only place I interact with people. Can't you sell at your church or barber shop? (Darryl looks hurt) Or chess club, or?
Darryl Philbin: You know what? It's your first time, let's split the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know I'll just take, uh, accounting.
Toby Flenderson: That's it? Yeah, well, ok. Thanks Darryl.
Darryl Philbin: OK, great.
Darryl Philbin: (exits Andy's office smiling) All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined and then some. (Kevin waves at him) When I first started selling cookies he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.
Erin Hannon: (entering a home carrying groceries) Hellosi, I'm home, babaloo.
Elderly Woman: (rises from chair) Oh, here let me help.
Erin Hannon: (spilling groceries) I got it. It was so busy at the store today. Really good cheese samples. I had, like, a hundred.
Erin Hannon: Irene hired me as her live-in helper. We met at the store launch. I told her I was moving here and I needed a place and it just sort of made sense. I basically do everything for her. (Erin randomly adds an assortment of pills to a weekly pill box) I run errands. I do chores around the house. I cook and clean. Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me.
Irene: When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer. Shallow end, deep end. He does it all.
Erin Hannon: Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene. I have to talk to my old boss, Andy, and tell him I'm staying in Florida. (hands Irene a mug)
Irene: (takes mug) Thank you. (takes a sip) Oh, what kind of tea is this?
Erin Hannon: Oh, I boiled some Gatorade.
Nellie Bertram: (misses putt) Ah. In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right, you see. We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias.
Robert California: If I may, (assists Nellie) try holding the putter... yeah, with your wrists here. And your thumbs here.
Nellie Bertram: Oh.
Robert California: That's right. Your little finger.
Darryl Philbin: (approaches Kevin) Would you like to buy some cookies?
Kevin Malone: Cookies, eh?
Kevin Malone: (singing) Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best. And fall time thinks that it's the best. Cold time has, kind of a strut. And Valentine's thinks that it's the best. But gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth. Nothing beats the cookie season, that's the truth.
Darryl Philbin: (Kevin scratches cookie order form and sniffs it) It's not a scratch-and-sniff, Kev.
Kevin Malone: I know. But sometimes you still get a little something.
Toby Flenderson: (to Darryl) Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin.
Darryl Philbin: You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See you next year, sport.
Toby Flenderson: No, no, no. It's not fair. What if Kevin wants to buy cookies from me?
Kevin Malone: I do.
Toby Flenderson: See?
Darryl Philbin: That doesn't mean anything. (to Kevin) Kevin, do you want to buy cookies from me?
Kevin Malone: Oh, I definitely do.
Darryl Philbin: (to Toby) Huh. Hit the road, jack.
Toby Flenderson: No, you hit the road, jack.
Kevin Malone: (looking pleased) Hey guys, come on. Don't fight over me.
Toby Flenderson: You know, why don't we split the order? It's only fair.
Kevin Malone: No. Wait, no. I'm buying, I make the rules. I actually do want you to fight over me. I wanna be wined and dined and... 69ed.
Angela Martin: Ugh.
Kevin Malone: Metaphorically 69ed. Ew. Perverts... no offence Oscar. (Oscar looks flabbergasted)
Nellie Bertram: Hop in, we have places to be. No rest for the wicked.
Jim Halpert: (to Dwight) All right. So... I guess this is it.
Dwight Schrute: Well, Jim, I just want to say that we haven't always got along and at times, I've even hated your guts. But...(smiles) bye, bye. I win.
Jim Halpert: (attempts to shake Dwight's hand) Goodbye, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: (drops golf ball into Jim's open hand) Robert, race you to the clubhouse, gentlemen's bet. Woohoo! (takes off in golf cart)
Jim Halpert: Well, he's Florida's problem now.
Robert California: I'll let Dwight have his fun. Today will not be his day.
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Robert California: I'm gonna tank the Sabre store at the presentation to the board.
Jim Halpert: I thought you liked the store?
Robert California: Well, the store is lovely. You created a wonderful space to showcase our product line. Great job. Cheers.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Robert California: But, there's a reason we sell our products online and over-the-phone. Have you ever used Sabre electronics, Jim? (Jim shakes head) They're cheap. They're unintuitive. The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone's wives do us.
Jim Halpert: Wow. When you put it that way, I guess it does sound pretty terrible.
Robert California: I couldn't just kill the project from the start. Jo Bennett endorsed it. Shame though, I did like Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: (from distanced golf cart) Robert! I'm gonna win, ha ha, I'm the gentleman! Suck it!
Robert California: (to Dwight) Bravo, Dwight! Very good! (Jim looks surprised) (to Jim) Shame.
Dwight Schrute: (at Sabre headquarters) The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration, plus greater visibility, will raise Sabre (Nellie emerges from behind Dwight) (together) to the power of two.
Nellie Bertram: How did that look?
Gabe Lewis: I'm not just saying this, that was the best thing I've ever seen.
Dwight Schrute: (to Nellie) I told you.
Todd Packer: When you guys do that whole power of two shebang, how 'bout I pop up also? I guess we'd have to say 'power of three'. Hm, actually, you know what, yeah, that actually works. (to Nellie) You'd spin off right. I'd spin off-
Dwight Schrute: You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy, write that down and print it out. It's gonna make some really good toilet paper.
Jim Halpert: (enters room) All right. There he is.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?
Jim Halpert: Can I just talk to you for one quick second?
Dwight Schrute: What, your stylist ran out of 'messy spray'? (others laugh)
Jim Halpert: Um, actually it's, it's for your own good. I think maybe we should- (gestures toward hallway)
Dwight Schrute: You want to do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop 'til you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go hell. (others laugh)
Todd Packer: Nice. (To Jim) Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willy?
Dwight Schrute: (to Packer) Silence.
Todd Packer: Aw, I'm just trying to-
Dwight Schrute: (interrupts) I know what you're trying to do, I don't want it. (to Jim) But your face does look like the guy from Operation.
Todd Packer: That's... that's the same guy. It's the joke I made.
Dwight Schrute: Different guy.
Jim Halpert: You know, I just think you should know that-
Dwight Schrute: (interrupts) That you look like the world's tallest hobbit. (others laugh)
Jim Halpert: Well, I tried. (gestures the meeting room) You saw it, so, it's on the record. I have a plane to catch.
Erin Hannon: Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy.
Irene: Just open the program and type in his user name.
Erin Hannon: Can you just do it?
Irene: (after briefly typing) Here, type in your password.
Erin Hannon: 'Erin123'
Irene: That's a terrible password. And you don't 'make a video chat', you video chat.
Erin Hannon: (annoyed) All right.
Andy Bernard: (video chat begins, Andy's head enters the screen from the side) Hello?
Erin Hannon: That's so weird. There's something wrong with my laptop. (turns laptop on its side) Oh. I fixed it.
Andy Bernard: Oh, now mine's broken. Hang on. (turns his laptop on its side while lying on desk) Oh, there we go.
Pam Beesly: (on phone with Jim) He said, 'I did like Dwight'? He's gonna fire him.
Jim Halpert: No, no, I think it was more like, 'you know, I liked him, but I don't anymore because he did a bad job, so I'm definitely gonna yell at him'.
Pam Beesly: Robert doesn't talk like that. You have to stop Dwight from doing this.
Jim Halpert: I tried. He will not listen.
Pam Beesly: Did you actually try your hardest?
Jim Halpert: Yes... my pretty hardest. Look, you haven't dealt with him in awhile, all right. He's like super Dwight. It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight, or som- Stanley, back me up.
Stanley Hudson: Don't talk to me.
Jim Halpert: Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida. But he would back me up.
Pam Beesly: If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him. Just get the words out. That's all you can do.
Jim Halpert: OK. All right.
Darryl Philbin: (to Kevin) What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago.
Phyllis Vance: (laughs) Yeah.
Kevin Malone: That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model.
Darryl Philbin: Thank you.
Toby Flenderson: I'm, I'm not gonna comment on my personal life.
Darryl Philbin: Look, I need this. Ok? Your daughter is a pretty little girl. Let her go door-to-door. You think people gonna buy cookies from my (hesitates) chubby daughter?
Phyllis Vance: Oh. (looks away)
Darryl Philbin: Baby, if you’re watching this, you're not chubby, you're beautiful. Daddy's just got to sell some cookies. And we're also gonna exercise more. It's gonna be fun.
Kelly Kapoor: (to Kevin) Oh, you know what you have to do? To decide? You need to make them do things for you. And, like, buy you things.
Pam Beesly: Or have them sing that song! That the frog does in Looney Tunes.
Phyllis Vance: Make them kiss each other.
Meredith Palmer: Make them kiss me. (everyone 'ew's) (Toby and Darryl look at each other)
Erin Hannon: Yes, this is too tan. This right here-
Andy Bernard: No.
Erin Hannon: This is a tanned spot.
Andy Bernard: I don't buy it. It, that is a freckle. That is not a tan, ok? I'm gonna have to inspect it in person when you get back here. I want you looking totally 'puerto ricania' when i see you.
Erin Hannon: Well, Andy, I'm not coming back.
Andy Bernard: What?
Erin Hannon: I have a job here. I work for an old lady. (turns laptop to put Irene into view)
Irene: (waves) Hello!
Erin Hannon: Andy?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, that's awesome. That's great.
Kevin Malone: (Toby and Darryl perform Hello! Ma Baby) This is tough. 'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star. I think I've reached my decision. I have decided... that you guys are gonna keep doing things for me.
Darryl Philbin: No, no, no, no. It's not worth it.
Toby Flenderson: No.
Kevin Malone: No, it's not worth it? That's too bad. 'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, ok so what, you buy 40 boxes?
Kevin Malone: Hungrier.
Toby Flenderson: 50?
Kevin Malone: Hungrier.
Darryl Philbin: You're not talking... triple digits?
Kevin Malone: Oh yeah, I'm talking triple digits. (folds arms satisfied while Toby and Darryl look at each other) Again. (both start performing Hello! Ma Baby again)
Dwight Schrute: (straightens tie in mirror) Showtime.
Jim Halpert: (enters abruptly) Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back here. You're like an Amish return stick.
Jim Halpert: OK, great, listen to me. Listen to me. (Dwight makes funny gesture) No, no, I know. Will you just let me tell you one thing, please?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, you may tell me one thing. Wait, you want to borrow money?
Jim Halpert: Listen to me. Robert is going to veto the Sabre store.
Dwight Schrute: (rolls eyes) Jim, come on.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, he's gonna kill the store.
Dwight Schrute: Uh-huh.
Jim Halpert: And then, I'm pretty sure he's gonna fire you for it.
Dwight Schrute: Wait. (holds up fingers) He's gonna kill the store? And he's gonna fire me?
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: (smiles) That's two things.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, please.
Dwight Schrute: Nice try, Jim. Your pranks have never worked in the past and they're not going to work today.
Jim Halpert: OK, first of all, they've mostly worked, so-
Dwight Schrute: You know what? You might want to get to the airport. It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, come o-
Dwight Schrute: Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a slu- Ah!(Jim tackles Dwight)
Dwight Schrute: (Jim holds him back and tries to cover his mouth) Help! Help!
Jim Halpert: Gross! Don't lick my hand! God, why is there so much saliva?
Dwight Schrute: AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.
Jim Halpert: Gross!
Dwight Schrute: (attempting to break from Jim's grasp) Ah!
Jim Halpert: What? What, what, what, what, what?
Dwight Schrute: (clutching side) Oh, god! You... oh! My appendix-
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry.
Dwight Schrute: My wound hasn't healed yet.
Jim Halpert: I'm so sorry, I forgot.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man!
Jim Halpert: You all right? You ok?
Dwight Schrute: (stops whining and charges Jim) Rrrah!
Nellie Bertram: (to Cathy) Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him.
Cathy: I don't know. He's not picking up.
Todd Packer: Well, looks like Shnoot's a no-show. Guess he wasn't vice presy material after all. But I am. Put me in, babe. I got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggy-style. I'm your man.
Nellie Bertram: (considers and decides on Packer) Right, let's begin then. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mr. Todd Packer.
Todd Packer: Sup?
Phyllis Vance: (notices Andy boxing up things from Erin's desk) What are you doing?
Andy Bernard: I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff since apparently she's not coming back. And she didn't bother to tell anyone.
Oscar Martinez: We knew. Ryan told us.
Andy Bernard: Ryan, why didn't you tell me?
Ryan Howard: Thought you checker my Tumblr?
Andy Bernard: You never update it.
Ryan Howard: Well, I updated it.
Andy Bernard: Does anyone else think this is weird? And like, kind of uncool, actually? To leave us without a receptionist?
Pam Beesly: We'll find another receptionist. I mean, that's easy. We'll be fine. (Andy nods reluctantly)
Dwight Schrute: (trying to get around Jim) Huh, huh, huh! (slides between Jim's legs)
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: I was trying to go-
Jim Halpert: Get up.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, ok.
Jim Halpert: Get up. All right? I'm not gonna let you by.
Dwight Schrute: Then you know what? I'm just gonna have to run right through you.
Jim Halpert: OK. (Dwight runs in place) What are you doing? Are you really revving up? you know that doesn't work.
Dwight Schrute: (tries to jump off wall) Jackie Chan! (falls and groans)
Kevin Malone: (holding mobile phone up) Go.
Darryl Philbin: (in a feminine voice) Hi. This is Alex.
Toby Flenderson: (in feminine voice) And this is Sam.
Darryl Philbin: (in a feminine voice) Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us.
Kevin Malone: Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.
Darryl Philbin: I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.
Kevin Malone: Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?
Toby Flenderson: Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.
Darryl Philbin: Forget it, man.
Kevin Malone: What do you mean?
Darryl Philbin: I'm out. And so is Toby.
Darryl Philbin: This may be wrong. But there's a limit to what I would do for my child.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah. I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey.
Kevin Malone: No guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies. I'll do anything. (starts performing Hello! Ma Baby) I'm even gonna kiss Meredith. (kisses Meredith) That is... hmph... that's ah... so good. (almost in tears Meredith pulls him toward her by his tie)
Jim Halpert: (tackled by Dwight) What are you doing? No. No, no, no.
Dwight Schrute: This. Ends. Now.
Jim Halpert: This is dangerous.
Dwight Schrute: (picks Jim up) Rrahh! (both fall)
Jim Halpert: Why?
Dwight Schrute: Anything else you need to talk about?
Jim Halpert: Nope. I think that was it. (Dwight gets up and walks away)
Dwight Schrute: (looking disheveled in mirror) Once again, it's show time.
Robert California: What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, (Dwight enters) which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution.
Todd Packer: If I may speak to that, I have only been vice president of this project for the last half hour, so the man you want is Dwight Shrute.
Robert California: I don't see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible.
Nellie Bertram: Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes... but not the man. You may not cancel his soul.
Robert California: That was never on the table.
Todd Packer: (to Nellie) Are you kidding? (to Robert) She's the queen of the whole freaking Magilla!
Robert California: And yet Todd, it's you who's fired.
Todd Packer: What, you, I, I can't get fired. I'm an institution. I have been at this company for 20 years. How many of you have been here that long, huh? (Dwight exits meeting room and helps Jim up)
Darryl Philbin: (Dwight and Jim enter office) Hey, hey. They're back. (Everyone greets them)
Kelly Kapoor: Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um, wow you look great. Did you lose some weight?
Kelly Kapoor: Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds.
Phyllis Vance: (to Stanley) Hey! Good to have you back.
Stanley Hudson: (insincerely) Good to be back.
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Hey, stranger!
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Aw, I missed you.
Jim Halpert: I missed you. (they embrace and kiss as Andy watches on sadly)
Pam Beesly: Aw.
Andy Bernard: I'm going to Florida to get Erin. (grabs coat, runs out, then returns) Forgot to turn off my email. It's crazy, right? It's just, when she said she was leaving, I felt so- (looks at computer frustrated) 'You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue?' Yes. I am sure. Ah, slow computer!

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