Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Last Day In Florida

Vol. 8 · Issue 18Scranton, PA

The Tallahassee trip wraps up with Jim desperately trying to keep Dwight from walking into Robert California's trap. You can read through every line from the episode here, including Darryl and Toby's ridiculous cookie-selling war to win over Kevin. Here's the full script from the day Todd Packer finally got what he deserved.

Scene 01

9 lines
Andy Bernard
(exiting office) Everyone stop what you're doing, I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
Everyone
(gasps) What?! Why is that?
Andy Bernard
He's gone, damn it! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail and he's staying in Florida forever.
Angela Martin
So, he's alive.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Angela Martin
Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
Andy Bernard
How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke (slight pause) of good fortune and he is now in a better place.
Phyllis Vance
If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure?
Oscar Martinez
You guys, we've gone over this, there is no treasure. (Erin retrieves the "treasure box" and slams it down on Dwight's desk)

Scene 02

1 line
Oscar Martinez
When the team left for Tallahassee, Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure. (cut to Dwight holding treasure chest and telling the office "Don't touch my treasure. Ok, you understand?") Obviously he wants us to obsess about it. There's nothing in there. (has realization) Which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure. Oh god, I'm Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride.

Scene 03

4 lines
Andy Bernard
I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure. (everyone disagrees)
Oscar Martinez
I am dying to know what's in there.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I know, Oscar we all are but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane. (everyone turns to look at Creed)
Creed Bratton
Hi, hello.

Scene 04

3 lines
Andy Bernard
(to Creed standing in front of the "treasure box") Now, carefully... open the box.
Creed Bratton
(opens box, pulls out and displays contents) It's a photo of all of us.
Pam Beesly
Aw, that's so sweet! (dart fires out of box and lodges in ceiling)

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(feigning surprise) A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart, well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison. I mean, I just have to imagine. God, I'm glad he's OK though. Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all. Wow!

Scene 06

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on a golf course) Well, mister ball, it's been a pleasure. Now, give my regards to hell. Da! (hits ball)
Nellie Bertram
Oh, all right! Well swung my VIP VP.
Robert California
I am loving the chemistry between you two.
Nellie Bertram
I am so happy Dwight is gonna be working alongside me. We are a regular Archibald and his man George.
Robert California
I bet. I'm excited.
Nellie Bertram
Trick... there's no such thing. It's not even a real English duo.
Dwight Schrute
Ah!
Nellie Bertram
I just made you look like the goat of Dover. And that doesn't exist either.
Dwight Schrute
(to Robert) You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. (Robert gives a fake laugh)
Jim Halpert
Oh, that reminds me. (reaching into golf cart) Little something from all of us. (hand Dwight a small wrapped gift)
Dwight Schrute
(sarcastically) Oh my gosh, thank you Jim, that's so thoughtful. (sets gift on golf tee) Four! (smashes gift) Oh yeah!
Nellie Bertram
He doesn't even care.
Dwight Schrute
Don't even care!

Scene 07

1 line
Jim Halpert
This is the last time I'll ever see Dwight. It's a weird feeling, it's, um, what's the word? It's not, it's not bittersweet. It's uh... sweet. Yeah.

Scene 08

12 lines
Darryl Philbin
(entering Andy's office) Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada. Want the same as last year?
Andy Bernard
Would if I could. And I can so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice.
Darryl Philbin
I'll put you down for shortbreads.
Andy Bernard
Damn it.
Toby Flenderson
(entering Andy's office) Knock, knock. Hey, Sasha's first year in the troops, so I'm selling cookies for her. Anyway, would you like some?
Darryl Philbin
No. No.
Toby Flenderson
What?
Darryl Philbin
I been selling here for five years. This is my spot.
Toby Flenderson
You can't claim territories. This is the only place I interact with people. Can't you sell at your church or barber shop? (Darryl looks hurt) Or chess club, or?
Darryl Philbin
You know what? It's your first time, let's split the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know I'll just take, uh, accounting.
Toby Flenderson
That's it? Yeah, well, ok. Thanks Darryl.
Darryl Philbin
OK, great.

Scene 09

1 line
Darryl Philbin
(exits Andy's office smiling) All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined and then some. (Kevin waves at him) When I first started selling cookies he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.

Scene 10

3 lines
Erin Hannon
(entering a home carrying groceries) Hellosi, I'm home, babaloo.
Elderly Woman
(rises from chair) Oh, here let me help.
Erin Hannon
(spilling groceries) I got it. It was so busy at the store today. Really good cheese samples. I had, like, a hundred.

Scene 11

1 line
Erin Hannon
Irene hired me as her live-in helper. We met at the store launch. I told her I was moving here and I needed a place and it just sort of made sense. I basically do everything for her. (Erin randomly adds an assortment of pills to a weekly pill box) I run errands. I do chores around the house. I cook and clean. Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me.

Scene 12

4 lines
Irene
When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer. Shallow end, deep end. He does it all.
Erin Hannon
Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene. I have to talk to my old boss, Andy, and tell him I'm staying in Florida. (hands Irene a mug)
Irene
(takes mug) Thank you. (takes a sip) Oh, what kind of tea is this?
Erin Hannon
Oh, I boiled some Gatorade.

Scene 13

4 lines
Nellie Bertram
(misses putt) Ah. In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right, you see. We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias.
Robert California
If I may, (assists Nellie) try holding the putter... yeah, with your wrists here. And your thumbs here.
Nellie Bertram
Oh.
Robert California
That's right. Your little finger.

Scene 14

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
(approaches Kevin) Would you like to buy some cookies?
Kevin Malone
Cookies, eh?

Scene 15

1 line
Kevin Malone
(singing) Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best. And fall time thinks that it's the best. Cold time has, kind of a strut. And Valentine's thinks that it's the best. But gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth. Nothing beats the cookie season, that's the truth.

Scene 16

16 lines
Darryl Philbin
(Kevin scratches cookie order form and sniffs it) It's not a scratch-and-sniff, Kev.
Kevin Malone
I know. But sometimes you still get a little something.
Toby Flenderson
(to Darryl) Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin.
Darryl Philbin
You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See you next year, sport.
Toby Flenderson
No, no, no. It's not fair. What if Kevin wants to buy cookies from me?
Kevin Malone
I do.
Toby Flenderson
See?
Darryl Philbin
That doesn't mean anything. (to Kevin) Kevin, do you want to buy cookies from me?
Kevin Malone
Oh, I definitely do.
Darryl Philbin
(to Toby) Huh. Hit the road, jack.
Toby Flenderson
No, you hit the road, jack.
Kevin Malone
(looking pleased) Hey guys, come on. Don't fight over me.
Toby Flenderson
You know, why don't we split the order? It's only fair.
Kevin Malone
No. Wait, no. I'm buying, I make the rules. I actually do want you to fight over me. I wanna be wined and dined and... 69ed.
Angela Martin
Ugh.
Kevin Malone
Metaphorically 69ed. Ew. Perverts... no offence Oscar. (Oscar looks flabbergasted)

Scene 17

5 lines
Nellie Bertram
Hop in, we have places to be. No rest for the wicked.
Jim Halpert
(to Dwight) All right. So... I guess this is it.
Dwight Schrute
Well, Jim, I just want to say that we haven't always got along and at times, I've even hated your guts. But...(smiles) bye, bye. I win.
Jim Halpert
(attempts to shake Dwight's hand) Goodbye, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(drops golf ball into Jim's open hand) Robert, race you to the clubhouse, gentlemen's bet. Woohoo! (takes off in golf cart)

Scene 18

12 lines
Jim Halpert
Well, he's Florida's problem now.
Robert California
I'll let Dwight have his fun. Today will not be his day.
Jim Halpert
What's that?
Robert California
I'm gonna tank the Sabre store at the presentation to the board.
Jim Halpert
I thought you liked the store?
Robert California
Well, the store is lovely. You created a wonderful space to showcase our product line. Great job. Cheers.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.
Robert California
But, there's a reason we sell our products online and over-the-phone. Have you ever used Sabre electronics, Jim? (Jim shakes head) They're cheap. They're unintuitive. The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone's wives do us.
Jim Halpert
Wow. When you put it that way, I guess it does sound pretty terrible.
Robert California
I couldn't just kill the project from the start. Jo Bennett endorsed it. Shame though, I did like Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(from distanced golf cart) Robert! I'm gonna win, ha ha, I'm the gentleman! Suck it!
Robert California
(to Dwight) Bravo, Dwight! Very good! (Jim looks surprised) (to Jim) Shame.

Scene 19

20 lines
Dwight Schrute
(at Sabre headquarters) The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration, plus greater visibility, will raise Sabre (Nellie emerges from behind Dwight) (together) to the power of two.
Nellie Bertram
How did that look?
Gabe Lewis
I'm not just saying this, that was the best thing I've ever seen.
Dwight Schrute
(to Nellie) I told you.
Todd Packer
When you guys do that whole power of two shebang, how 'bout I pop up also? I guess we'd have to say 'power of three'. Hm, actually, you know what, yeah, that actually works. (to Nellie) You'd spin off right. I'd spin off-
Dwight Schrute
You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy, write that down and print it out. It's gonna make some really good toilet paper.
Jim Halpert
(enters room) All right. There he is.
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?
Jim Halpert
Can I just talk to you for one quick second?
Dwight Schrute
What, your stylist ran out of 'messy spray'? (others laugh)
Jim Halpert
Um, actually it's, it's for your own good. I think maybe we should- (gestures toward hallway)
Dwight Schrute
You want to do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop 'til you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go hell. (others laugh)
Todd Packer
Nice. (To Jim) Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willy?
Dwight Schrute
(to Packer) Silence.
Todd Packer
Aw, I'm just trying to-
Dwight Schrute
(interrupts) I know what you're trying to do, I don't want it. (to Jim) But your face does look like the guy from Operation.
Todd Packer
That's... that's the same guy. It's the joke I made.
Dwight Schrute
Different guy.
Jim Halpert
You know, I just think you should know that-
Dwight Schrute
(interrupts) That you look like the world's tallest hobbit. (others laugh)

Scene 20

1 line
Jim Halpert
Well, I tried. (gestures the meeting room) You saw it, so, it's on the record. I have a plane to catch.

Scene 21

10 lines
Erin Hannon
Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy.
Irene
Just open the program and type in his user name.
Erin Hannon
Can you just do it?
Irene
(after briefly typing) Here, type in your password.
Erin Hannon
'Erin123'
Irene
That's a terrible password. And you don't 'make a video chat', you video chat.
Erin Hannon
(annoyed) All right.
Andy Bernard
(video chat begins, Andy's head enters the screen from the side) Hello?
Erin Hannon
That's so weird. There's something wrong with my laptop. (turns laptop on its side) Oh. I fixed it.
Andy Bernard
Oh, now mine's broken. Hang on. (turns his laptop on its side while lying on desk) Oh, there we go.

Scene 22

10 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone with Jim) He said, 'I did like Dwight'? He's gonna fire him.
Jim Halpert
No, no, I think it was more like, 'you know, I liked him, but I don't anymore because he did a bad job, so I'm definitely gonna yell at him'.
Pam Beesly
Robert doesn't talk like that. You have to stop Dwight from doing this.
Jim Halpert
I tried. He will not listen.
Pam Beesly
Did you actually try your hardest?
Jim Halpert
Yes... my pretty hardest. Look, you haven't dealt with him in awhile, all right. He's like super Dwight. It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight, or som- Stanley, back me up.
Stanley Hudson
Don't talk to me.
Jim Halpert
Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida. But he would back me up.
Pam Beesly
If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him. Just get the words out. That's all you can do.
Jim Halpert
OK. All right.

Scene 23

7 lines
Darryl Philbin
(to Kevin) What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago.
Phyllis Vance
(laughs) Yeah.
Kevin Malone
That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model.
Darryl Philbin
Thank you.
Toby Flenderson
I'm, I'm not gonna comment on my personal life.
Darryl Philbin
Look, I need this. Ok? Your daughter is a pretty little girl. Let her go door-to-door. You think people gonna buy cookies from my (hesitates) chubby daughter?
Phyllis Vance
Oh. (looks away)

Scene 24

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Baby, if you’re watching this, you're not chubby, you're beautiful. Daddy's just got to sell some cookies. And we're also gonna exercise more. It's gonna be fun.

Scene 25

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(to Kevin) Oh, you know what you have to do? To decide? You need to make them do things for you. And, like, buy you things.
Pam Beesly
Or have them sing that song! That the frog does in Looney Tunes.
Phyllis Vance
Make them kiss each other.
Meredith Palmer
Make them kiss me. (everyone 'ew's) (Toby and Darryl look at each other)

Scene 26

10 lines
Erin Hannon
Yes, this is too tan. This right here-
Andy Bernard
No.
Erin Hannon
This is a tanned spot.
Andy Bernard
I don't buy it. It, that is a freckle. That is not a tan, ok? I'm gonna have to inspect it in person when you get back here. I want you looking totally 'puerto ricania' when i see you.
Erin Hannon
Well, Andy, I'm not coming back.
Andy Bernard
What?
Erin Hannon
I have a job here. I work for an old lady. (turns laptop to put Irene into view)
Irene
(waves) Hello!
Erin Hannon
Andy?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, that's awesome. That's great.

Scene 27

10 lines
Kevin Malone
(Toby and Darryl perform Hello! Ma Baby) This is tough. 'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star. I think I've reached my decision. I have decided... that you guys are gonna keep doing things for me.
Darryl Philbin
No, no, no, no. It's not worth it.
Toby Flenderson
No.
Kevin Malone
No, it's not worth it? That's too bad. 'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, ok so what, you buy 40 boxes?
Kevin Malone
Hungrier.
Toby Flenderson
50?
Kevin Malone
Hungrier.
Darryl Philbin
You're not talking... triple digits?
Kevin Malone
Oh yeah, I'm talking triple digits. (folds arms satisfied while Toby and Darryl look at each other) Again. (both start performing Hello! Ma Baby again)

Scene 28

19 lines
Dwight Schrute
(straightens tie in mirror) Showtime.
Jim Halpert
(enters abruptly) Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back here. You're like an Amish return stick.
Jim Halpert
OK, great, listen to me. Listen to me. (Dwight makes funny gesture) No, no, I know. Will you just let me tell you one thing, please?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, you may tell me one thing. Wait, you want to borrow money?
Jim Halpert
Listen to me. Robert is going to veto the Sabre store.
Dwight Schrute
(rolls eyes) Jim, come on.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, he's gonna kill the store.
Dwight Schrute
Uh-huh.
Jim Halpert
And then, I'm pretty sure he's gonna fire you for it.
Dwight Schrute
Wait. (holds up fingers) He's gonna kill the store? And he's gonna fire me?
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
(smiles) That's two things.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, please.
Dwight Schrute
Nice try, Jim. Your pranks have never worked in the past and they're not going to work today.
Jim Halpert
OK, first of all, they've mostly worked, so-
Dwight Schrute
You know what? You might want to get to the airport. It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, come o-
Dwight Schrute
Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a slu- Ah!(Jim tackles Dwight)

Scene 29

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Jim holds him back and tries to cover his mouth) Help! Help!
Jim Halpert
Gross! Don't lick my hand! God, why is there so much saliva?
Dwight Schrute
AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.
Jim Halpert
Gross!
Dwight Schrute
(attempting to break from Jim's grasp) Ah!
Jim Halpert
What? What, what, what, what, what?
Dwight Schrute
(clutching side) Oh, god! You... oh! My appendix-
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry.
Dwight Schrute
My wound hasn't healed yet.
Jim Halpert
I'm so sorry, I forgot.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, man!
Jim Halpert
You all right? You ok?
Dwight Schrute
(stops whining and charges Jim) Rrrah!

Scene 30

5 lines
Nellie Bertram
(to Cathy) Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him.
Cathy
I don't know. He's not picking up.
Todd Packer
Well, looks like Shnoot's a no-show. Guess he wasn't vice presy material after all. But I am. Put me in, babe. I got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggy-style. I'm your man.
Nellie Bertram
(considers and decides on Packer) Right, let's begin then. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mr. Todd Packer.
Todd Packer
Sup?

Scene 31

9 lines
Phyllis Vance
(notices Andy boxing up things from Erin's desk) What are you doing?
Andy Bernard
I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff since apparently she's not coming back. And she didn't bother to tell anyone.
Oscar Martinez
We knew. Ryan told us.
Andy Bernard
Ryan, why didn't you tell me?
Ryan Howard
Thought you checker my Tumblr?
Andy Bernard
You never update it.
Ryan Howard
Well, I updated it.
Andy Bernard
Does anyone else think this is weird? And like, kind of uncool, actually? To leave us without a receptionist?
Pam Beesly
We'll find another receptionist. I mean, that's easy. We'll be fine. (Andy nods reluctantly)

Scene 32

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
(trying to get around Jim) Huh, huh, huh! (slides between Jim's legs)
Jim Halpert
What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
I was trying to go-
Jim Halpert
Get up.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, ok.
Jim Halpert
Get up. All right? I'm not gonna let you by.
Dwight Schrute
Then you know what? I'm just gonna have to run right through you.
Jim Halpert
OK. (Dwight runs in place) What are you doing? Are you really revving up? you know that doesn't work.
Dwight Schrute
(tries to jump off wall) Jackie Chan! (falls and groans)

Scene 33

12 lines
Kevin Malone
(holding mobile phone up) Go.
Darryl Philbin
(in a feminine voice) Hi. This is Alex.
Toby Flenderson
(in feminine voice) And this is Sam.
Darryl Philbin
(in a feminine voice) Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us.
Kevin Malone
Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.
Darryl Philbin
I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.
Kevin Malone
Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?
Toby Flenderson
Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.
Darryl Philbin
Forget it, man.
Kevin Malone
What do you mean?
Darryl Philbin
I'm out. And so is Toby.

Scene 34

2 lines
Darryl Philbin
This may be wrong. But there's a limit to what I would do for my child.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah. I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey.

Scene 35

1 line
Kevin Malone
No guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies. I'll do anything. (starts performing Hello! Ma Baby) I'm even gonna kiss Meredith. (kisses Meredith) That is... hmph... that's ah... so good. (almost in tears Meredith pulls him toward her by his tie)

Scene 36

7 lines
Jim Halpert
(tackled by Dwight) What are you doing? No. No, no, no.
Dwight Schrute
This. Ends. Now.
Jim Halpert
This is dangerous.
Dwight Schrute
(picks Jim up) Rrahh! (both fall)
Jim Halpert
Why?
Dwight Schrute
Anything else you need to talk about?
Jim Halpert
Nope. I think that was it. (Dwight gets up and walks away)

Scene 37

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(looking disheveled in mirror) Once again, it's show time.

Scene 38

8 lines
Robert California
What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, (Dwight enters) which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution.
Todd Packer
If I may speak to that, I have only been vice president of this project for the last half hour, so the man you want is Dwight Shrute.
Robert California
I don't see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible.
Nellie Bertram
Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes... but not the man. You may not cancel his soul.
Robert California
That was never on the table.
Todd Packer
(to Nellie) Are you kidding? (to Robert) She's the queen of the whole freaking Magilla!
Robert California
And yet Todd, it's you who's fired.
Todd Packer
What, you, I, I can't get fired. I'm an institution. I have been at this company for 20 years. How many of you have been here that long, huh? (Dwight exits meeting room and helps Jim up)

Scene 39

11 lines
Darryl Philbin
(Dwight and Jim enter office) Hey, hey. They're back. (Everyone greets them)
Kelly Kapoor
Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um, wow you look great. Did you lose some weight?
Kelly Kapoor
Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds.
Phyllis Vance
(to Stanley) Hey! Good to have you back.
Stanley Hudson
(insincerely) Good to be back.
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Hey, stranger!
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Aw, I missed you.
Jim Halpert
I missed you. (they embrace and kiss as Andy watches on sadly)
Pam Beesly
Aw.

Scene 40

1 line
Andy Bernard
I'm going to Florida to get Erin. (grabs coat, runs out, then returns) Forgot to turn off my email. It's crazy, right? It's just, when she said she was leaving, I felt so- (looks at computer frustrated) 'You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue?' Yes. I am sure. Ah, slow computer!