Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Get the Girl

Vol. 8 · Issue 19Scranton, PA

Andy heads to Florida to win back Erin, while Nellie literally just walks into his office and takes his job. You'll find every line of dialogue from the episode right here, from Dwight's fake raise to Erin's collection of "found" toothbrushes.

Scene 01

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(telephone ringing) This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we’ll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.
Kevin Malone
Nice.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not -- it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it.

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal.

Scene 04

11 lines
Jim Halpert
Wow. It’s the end of an era.
Pam Beesly
Did a good job, Buddy. Now it’s time to come home.
Oscar Martinez
I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.
Kevin Malone
When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.
Ryan Howard
How long do you think it’s been up there, Kevin?
Kevin Malone
I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, “Look, a balloon.”
Dwight Schrute
My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.
Meredith Palmer
My kid didn’t have a face tattoo.
Darryl Philbin
I was still thinking of going back to school.
Jim Halpert
And I was still just a paper salesman.
Dwight Schrute
Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. (everyone sighs)

Scene 05

1 line
Everyone
Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. (pops loudly) (cheers and applause)

Scene 06

11 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?
Kevin Malone
oooh
Darryl Philbin
Me.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Right here.
Nellie Bertram
Allow me to solve your problem, then.
Jim Halpert
Nellie
Nellie Bertram
Mmm. (bites sandwich) Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?
Jim Halpert
What brings you to town?
Nellie Bertram
Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here.
Dwight Schrute
What?

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.

Scene 08

9 lines
Toby Flenderson
Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony.
Nellie Bertram
Mm.
Pam Beesly
What?
Toby Flenderson
I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby.
Pam Beesly
You messed up saying your name?
Toby Flenderson
It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.
Nellie Bertram
That one looks empty.
Jim Halpert
No, that's Andy's office.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, is it?

Scene 09

1 line
Nellie Bertram
I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.

Scene 10

4 lines
Erin Hannon
Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.
Alonzo
Good morning Erin. (driving by delivering newspapers)
Erin Hannon
How are you? How's your family doing?
Erin Hannon
Bye.

Scene 11

1 line
Erin Hannon
Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. (chuckles) Listen to me, bragging away.

Scene 12

12 lines
Robert California
Nellie.
Nellie Bertram
Robert.
Robert California
How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
Nellie Bertram
So far, so good.
Robert California
Good.
Nellie Bertram
Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.
Robert California
Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?
Nellie Bertram
Mm-hm.
Robert California
Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?
Nellie Bertram
Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.
Robert California
We have a manager.
Nellie Bertram
Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.

Scene 13

7 lines
Robert California
Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?
Kevin Malone
Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?
Andy Bernard
(on phone) Hello.
Robert California
Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?
Andy Bernard
Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick.
Robert California
I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately.
Andy Bernard
Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the...

Scene 14

1 line
Andy Bernard
(standing in ocean) ...Florida Flu.

Scene 15

1 line
Robert California
He just hung up on me mid-sentence.

Scene 16

1 line
Andy Bernard
I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? (picking up dead fish) Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.

Scene 17

4 lines
Robert California
Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Jim Halpert
Can't you do something about this?
Robert California
Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.
Jim Halpert
-Right.

Scene 18

1 line
Jim Halpert
What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?

Scene 19

8 lines
Irene
Erin, you got a package.
Erin Hannon
I'm in the bathroom.
Glenn
Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label.
Irene
Did you wash your hands?
Erin Hannon
Yes.
Erin & Irene
(screaming as Andy busts out of box)
Andy Bernard
(singing) Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!
Erin Hannon
Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you.

Scene 20

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.
Irene
Where's the ring?
Andy Bernard
Hm?
Irene
Where's the ring, Lancelot?
Erin Hannon
Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.
Erin Hannon
Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.
Glenn
(whispering off screen) Why won't she go with him?
Irene
(whispering) I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.
Erin Hannon
Hey... don't listen.

Scene 21

1 line
Nellie Bertram
So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? (in American accent) Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? (normal voice) I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?

Scene 22

1 line
Jim Halpert
I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name.

Scene 23

3 lines
Nellie Bertram
So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. (in American accent) But why, m'lady? (in normal voice) Because I am your new manager.
Pam Beesly
Robert, is Nellie our new manager?
Robert California
(laughs) This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.

Scene 24

1 line
Robert California
We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?

Scene 25

5 lines
Nellie Bertram
I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.
Kevin Malone
Hot tub party?
Nellie Bertram
Performance reviews.
Pam Beesly
How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?
Nellie Bertram
On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.

Scene 26

8 lines
Glenn
Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.
Erin Hannon
Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better.
Irene
So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?
Andy Bernard
Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know.
Erin Hannon
So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.
Irene
I think you should leave, young man.
Andy Bernard
All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.
Erin Hannon
You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.

Scene 27

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Any luck?
Pam Beesly
No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.
Andy Bernard
(on phone message, singing) Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-

Scene 28

18 lines
Erin Hannon
Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. (Andy's phone vibrating)
Irene
You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.
Andy Bernard
Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger.
Irene
You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session.
Andy Bernard
I don't know. (phone vibrating) Just let it vibrate. It's fine.
Irene
You could put it on silent.
Andy Bernard
I don't think it does that.
Irene
Just go to preferences, then click –
Glenn
(answering Andy's phone) Proctology.
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Andy?
Andy Bernard
Jim?
Jim Halpert
Andy, where are you?
Andy Bernard
I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops, man.
Irene
He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.
Jim Halpert
What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.
Andy Bernard
What do you mean, take my job?
Jim Halpert
Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.
Andy Bernard
Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later.

Scene 29

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.
Angela Martin
Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?
Pam Beesly
I like working here.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, should she be our manager?
Dwight Schrute
I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.

Scene 30

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Those who can't farm, farm celery.

Scene 31

18 lines
Jim Halpert
And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? (clears throat)
Nellie Bertram
All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know.
Nellie Bertram
Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.
Nellie Bertram
Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Nellie Bertram
Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?
Dwight Schrute
There's no limit to what I think I deserve.
Nellie Bertram
Then you accept it?
Dwight Schrute
Five percent. No less.
Nellie Bertram
Absolutely not. Seven percent.
Dwight Schrute
Six percent, I know my worth.
Jim Halpert
The raise isn't real.
Dwight Schrute
Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.
Nellie Bertram
So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.
Pam Beesly
Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
Pam.

Scene 32

3 lines
Nellie Bertram
So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.
Phyllis Vance
Really?
Nellie Bertram
Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive.

Scene 33

19 lines
Jim Halpert
Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?
Robert California
I am not. Huh.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.
Robert California
Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?
Jim Halpert
Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a-- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not-- sorry.
Robert California
Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Robert California
Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim Halpert
Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert California
When two animals are having sex, one of them...
Jim Halpert
(exhales sharply)
Robert California
… is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim Halpert
Was that not the--
Robert California
All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim Halpert
Mm-hm.
Robert California
And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?
Jim Halpert
Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.
Robert California
My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?
Jim Halpert
No. I would've said no.

Scene 34

2 lines
Nellie Bertram
Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, great.

Scene 35

15 lines
Jim Halpert
I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that.
Dwight Schrute
No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.
Darryl Philbin
No.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Darryl Philbin
No.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Darryl Philbin
No.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Darryl Philbin
No.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Darryl Philbin
No.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off.
Dwight Schrute
(Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office) Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.
Dwight Schrute
(panting) Well fought. I accept the outcome.
Creed Bratton
Touch me and I'll sue.

Scene 36

12 lines
Erin Hannon
I've heard that's amazing when it works.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, if I had my own--
Erin Hannon
Andy, I care about you and I think--
Andy Bernard
--sorry, you go.
Erin Hannon
No, go ahead.
Andy Bernard
Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?
Erin Hannon
Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?
Andy Bernard
You broke my heart too.
Erin Hannon
You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be.
Andy Bernard
I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.
Erin Hannon
I know.
Andy Bernard
(sighs)

Scene 37

12 lines
Nellie Bertram
So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.
Pam Beesly
Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy.
Nellie Bertram
That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.
Pam Beesly
Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?
Nellie Bertram
Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?
Pam Beesly
Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle.
Nellie Bertram
You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?
Pam Beesly
No.
Nellie Bertram
Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.
Pam Beesly
I think... you're a witch.
Nellie Bertram
I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: “I'm amazing.”
Pam Beesly
(drowsily) I'm amazing. (sighs)

Scene 38

7 lines
Irene
Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.
Erin Hannon
Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon.
Irene
I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink--
Erin Hannon
Irene, what would you do without me?
Irene
We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.
Erin Hannon
Why?
Irene
He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.

Scene 39

21 lines
Nellie Bertram
Jim, time for your review.
Jim Halpert
No, it's not, because you don't really work here.
Nellie Bertram
Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises.
Nellie Bertram
Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Nellie Bertram
I'm Tinkerbell.
Jim Halpert
No.
Nellie Bertram
Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.
Stanley Hudson
And we are grateful.
Nellie Bertram
But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.
Jim Halpert
She dies.
Nellie Bertram
She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?
Jim Halpert
Let's see it. Show of hands.
Kevin Malone
I do. (applause) Come on everyone...
Jim Halpert
All right, guys, stop.
Meredith Palmer
I already spent the money.
Jim Halpert
How?
Kevin Malone
Come on Jim, you're killing her!
Everyone
We believe! We believe!
Robert California
Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. (applause continues)

Scene 40

18 lines
Andy Bernard
That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. (tosses it out car window) It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.
Erin Hannon
Andy wait! (running down street) Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I’m sorry.
Andy Bernard
Erin!
Erin Hannon
Andy. (horns honking as they kiss in the street)
Erin Hannon
Let's get out of here.
Andy Bernard
Okay.
Erin Hannon
Let's go.
Andy Bernard
Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.
Erin Hannon
No, I don't have any stuff.
Andy Bernard
Like your toothbrush and stuff.
Erin Hannon
I don't have one.
Andy Bernard
You don't have a toothbrush?
Erin Hannon
No.
Andy Bernard
How do you not have a toothbrush?
Erin Hannon
I just... there's always one around.
Andy Bernard
You just use whichever one is sitting there?
Erin Hannon
I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?
Andy Bernard
Of course. I own my toothbrush.

Scene 41

1 line
Nellie Bertram
I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.