Get the Girl

Vol. 8 · Issue 19The Office · NBCScranton, PA

Here is every line from the episode where Nellie pulls a power move and takes over Andy's office while he is away in Florida. You'll find the full script of Andy's grand gesture to win Erin back and the chaos of Nellie handing out raises to the rest of the Scranton crew. It is all right here, from the falling warehouse balloon to the weird conversation about communal toothbrushes.

Scene 01

2 lines

Pam Beesly

(telephone ringing) This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we’ll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.

Kevin Malone

Nice.

Scene 02

1 line

Pam Beesly

There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not -- it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it.

Scene 03

1 line

Pam Beesly

Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal.

Scene 04

11 lines

Jim Halpert

Wow. It’s the end of an era.

Pam Beesly

Did a good job, Buddy. Now it’s time to come home.

Oscar Martinez

I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.

Kevin Malone

When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.

Ryan Howard

How long do you think it’s been up there, Kevin?

Kevin Malone

I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, “Look, a balloon.”

Dwight Schrute

My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.

Meredith Palmer

My kid didn’t have a face tattoo.

Darryl Philbin

I was still thinking of going back to school.

Jim Halpert

And I was still just a paper salesman.

Dwight Schrute

Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. (everyone sighs)

Scene 05

1 line

Everyone

Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. (pops loudly) (cheers and applause)

Scene 06

11 lines

Jim Halpert

Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?

Kevin Malone

oooh

Darryl Philbin

Me.

Phyllis Vance

Yeah.

Dwight Schrute

Right here.

Nellie Bertram

Allow me to solve your problem, then.

Jim Halpert

Nellie

Nellie Bertram

Mmm. (bites sandwich) Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?

Jim Halpert

What brings you to town?

Nellie Bertram

Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here.

Dwight Schrute

What?

Scene 07

1 line

Dwight Schrute

How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.

Scene 08

9 lines

Toby Flenderson

Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony.

Nellie Bertram

Mm.

Pam Beesly

What?

Toby Flenderson

I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby.

Pam Beesly

You messed up saying your name?

Toby Flenderson

It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.

Nellie Bertram

That one looks empty.

Jim Halpert

No, that's Andy's office.

Nellie Bertram

Oh, is it?

Scene 09

1 line

Nellie Bertram

I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.

Scene 10

4 lines

Erin Hannon

Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.

Alonzo

Good morning Erin. (driving by delivering newspapers)

Erin Hannon

How are you? How's your family doing?

Erin Hannon

Bye.

Scene 11

1 line

Erin Hannon

Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. (chuckles) Listen to me, bragging away.

Scene 12

12 lines

Robert California

Nellie.

Nellie Bertram

Robert.

Robert California

How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?

Nellie Bertram

So far, so good.

Robert California

Good.

Nellie Bertram

Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.

Robert California

Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?

Nellie Bertram

Mm-hm.

Robert California

Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?

Nellie Bertram

Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.

Robert California

We have a manager.

Nellie Bertram

Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.

Scene 13

7 lines

Robert California

Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?

Kevin Malone

Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?

Andy Bernard

(on phone) Hello.

Robert California

Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?

Andy Bernard

Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick.

Robert California

I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately.

Andy Bernard

Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the...

Scene 14

1 line

Andy Bernard

(standing in ocean) ...Florida Flu.

Scene 15

1 line

Robert California

He just hung up on me mid-sentence.

Scene 16

1 line

Andy Bernard

I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? (picking up dead fish) Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.

Scene 17

4 lines

Robert California

Not much we can do about this until he gets here.

Jim Halpert

Can't you do something about this?

Robert California

Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.

Jim Halpert

-Right.

Scene 18

1 line

Jim Halpert

What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?

Scene 19

8 lines

Irene

Erin, you got a package.

Erin Hannon

I'm in the bathroom.

Glenn

Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label.

Irene

Did you wash your hands?

Erin Hannon

Yes.

Erin & Irene

(screaming as Andy busts out of box)

Andy Bernard

(singing) Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!

Erin Hannon

Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you.

Scene 20

9 lines

Andy Bernard

Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.

Irene

Where's the ring?

Andy Bernard

Hm?

Irene

Where's the ring, Lancelot?

Erin Hannon

Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.

Erin Hannon

Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.

Glenn

(whispering off screen) Why won't she go with him?

Irene

(whispering) I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.

Erin Hannon

Hey... don't listen.

Scene 21

1 line

Nellie Bertram

So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? (in American accent) Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? (normal voice) I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?

Scene 22

1 line

Jim Halpert

I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name.

Scene 23

3 lines

Nellie Bertram

So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. (in American accent) But why, m'lady? (in normal voice) Because I am your new manager.

Pam Beesly

Robert, is Nellie our new manager?

Robert California

(laughs) This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.

Scene 24

1 line

Robert California

We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?

Scene 25

5 lines

Nellie Bertram

I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.

Kevin Malone

Hot tub party?

Nellie Bertram

Performance reviews.

Pam Beesly

How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?

Scene 26

8 lines

Glenn

Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.

Erin Hannon

Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better.

Irene

So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?

Andy Bernard

Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know.

Erin Hannon

So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.

Irene

I think you should leave, young man.

Andy Bernard

All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.

Erin Hannon

You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.

Scene 27

3 lines

Jim Halpert

Any luck?

Pam Beesly

No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.

Andy Bernard

(on phone message, singing) Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-

Scene 28

18 lines

Erin Hannon

Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. (Andy's phone vibrating)

Irene

You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.

Andy Bernard

Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger.

Irene

You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session.

Andy Bernard

I don't know. (phone vibrating) Just let it vibrate. It's fine.

Irene

You could put it on silent.

Andy Bernard

I don't think it does that.

Irene

Just go to preferences, then click –

Glenn

(answering Andy's phone) Proctology.

Jim Halpert

(on phone) Andy?

Andy Bernard

Jim?

Jim Halpert

Andy, where are you?

Andy Bernard

I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops, man.

Irene

He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.

Jim Halpert

What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.

Andy Bernard

What do you mean, take my job?

Jim Halpert

Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.

Andy Bernard

Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later.

Scene 29

5 lines

Jim Halpert

Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.

Angela Martin

Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?

Pam Beesly

I like working here.

Jim Halpert

Dwight, should she be our manager?

Dwight Schrute

I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.

Scene 30

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Those who can't farm, farm celery.

Scene 31

18 lines

Jim Halpert

And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? (clears throat)

Nellie Bertram

All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.

Phyllis Vance

Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know.

Nellie Bertram

Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.

Nellie Bertram

Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise.

Dwight Schrute

What?

Nellie Bertram

Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?

Dwight Schrute

There's no limit to what I think I deserve.

Nellie Bertram

Then you accept it?

Dwight Schrute

Five percent. No less.

Nellie Bertram

Absolutely not. Seven percent.

Dwight Schrute

Six percent, I know my worth.

Jim Halpert

The raise isn't real.

Dwight Schrute

Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.

Nellie Bertram

So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.

Pam Beesly

Phyllis.

Phyllis Vance

Pam.

Scene 32

3 lines

Nellie Bertram

So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.

Phyllis Vance

Really?

Nellie Bertram

Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive.

Scene 33

19 lines

Jim Halpert

Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?

Robert California

I am not. Huh.

Jim Halpert

Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.

Robert California

Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?

Jim Halpert

Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a-- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not-- sorry.

Robert California

Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.

Jim Halpert

Yes.

Robert California

Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?

Jim Halpert

Oh, god, nature, please.

Robert California

When two animals are having sex, one of them...

Jim Halpert

(exhales sharply)

Robert California

… is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.

Jim Halpert

Was that not the--

Robert California

All life is sex. And all sex is competition.

Jim Halpert

Mm-hm.

Robert California

And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?

Jim Halpert

Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.

Robert California

My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?

Jim Halpert

No. I would've said no.

Scene 34

2 lines

Nellie Bertram

Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.

Kelly Kapoor

Oh, great.

Scene 35

15 lines

Jim Halpert

I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that.

Dwight Schrute

No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.

Darryl Philbin

No.

Dwight Schrute

Yes.

Darryl Philbin

No.

Dwight Schrute

Yes.

Darryl Philbin

No.

Dwight Schrute

Yes.

Darryl Philbin

No.

Dwight Schrute

Yes.

Darryl Philbin

No.

Dwight Schrute

Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off.

Dwight Schrute

(Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office) Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.

Dwight Schrute

(panting) Well fought. I accept the outcome.

Creed Bratton

Touch me and I'll sue.

Scene 36

12 lines

Erin Hannon

I've heard that's amazing when it works.

Andy Bernard

Yeah, if I had my own--

Erin Hannon

Andy, I care about you and I think--

Andy Bernard

--sorry, you go.

Erin Hannon

No, go ahead.

Andy Bernard

Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?

Erin Hannon

Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?

Andy Bernard

You broke my heart too.

Erin Hannon

You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be.

Andy Bernard

I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.

Erin Hannon

I know.

Andy Bernard

(sighs)

Scene 37

12 lines

Nellie Bertram

So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.

Pam Beesly

Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy.

Nellie Bertram

That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.

Pam Beesly

Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?

Nellie Bertram

Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?

Pam Beesly

Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle.

Nellie Bertram

You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?

Pam Beesly

No.

Nellie Bertram

Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.

Pam Beesly

I think... you're a witch.

Nellie Bertram

I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: “I'm amazing.”

Pam Beesly

(drowsily) I'm amazing. (sighs)

Scene 38

7 lines

Irene

Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.

Erin Hannon

Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon.

Irene

I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink--

Erin Hannon

Irene, what would you do without me?

Irene

We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.

Erin Hannon

Why?

Irene

He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.

Scene 39

21 lines

Nellie Bertram

Jim, time for your review.

Jim Halpert

No, it's not, because you don't really work here.

Nellie Bertram

Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?

Jim Halpert

Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises.

Nellie Bertram

Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?

Jim Halpert

Yes.

Nellie Bertram

I'm Tinkerbell.

Jim Halpert

No.

Nellie Bertram

Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.

Stanley Hudson

And we are grateful.

Nellie Bertram

But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.

Jim Halpert

She dies.

Nellie Bertram

She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?

Jim Halpert

Let's see it. Show of hands.

Kevin Malone

I do. (applause) Come on everyone...

Jim Halpert

All right, guys, stop.

Meredith Palmer

I already spent the money.

Jim Halpert

How?

Kevin Malone

Come on Jim, you're killing her!

Everyone

We believe! We believe!

Robert California

Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. (applause continues)

Scene 40

18 lines

Andy Bernard

That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. (tosses it out car window) It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.

Erin Hannon

Andy wait! (running down street) Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I’m sorry.

Andy Bernard

Erin!

Erin Hannon

Andy. (horns honking as they kiss in the street)

Erin Hannon

Let's get out of here.

Andy Bernard

Okay.

Erin Hannon

Let's go.

Andy Bernard

Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.

Erin Hannon

No, I don't have any stuff.

Andy Bernard

Like your toothbrush and stuff.

Erin Hannon

I don't have one.

Andy Bernard

You don't have a toothbrush?

Erin Hannon

No.

Andy Bernard

How do you not have a toothbrush?

Erin Hannon

I just... there's always one around.

Andy Bernard

You just use whichever one is sitting there?

Erin Hannon

I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?

Andy Bernard

Of course. I own my toothbrush.

Scene 41

1 line

Nellie Bertram

I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.