Scene 012 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (telephone ringing) This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we’ll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Nice.
Scene 021 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not -- it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it.
Scene 031 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal.
Scene 0411 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. It’s the end of an era.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Did a good job, Buddy. Now it’s time to come home.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.Ryan HowardOpen quote: How long do you think it’s been up there, Kevin?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, “Look, a balloon.”Dwight SchruteOpen quote: My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: My kid didn’t have a face tattoo.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: I was still thinking of going back to school.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And I was still just a paper salesman.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. (everyone sighs)
Scene 051 lineEveryoneOpen quote: Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. (pops loudly) (cheers and applause)
Scene 0611 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: ooohDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Me.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Right here.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Allow me to solve your problem, then.Jim HalpertOpen quote: NellieNellie BertramOpen quote: Mmm. (bites sandwich) Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What brings you to town?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?
Scene 071 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.
Scene 089 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Mm.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You messed up saying your name?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.Nellie BertramOpen quote: That one looks empty.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, that's Andy's office.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, is it?
Scene 091 lineNellie BertramOpen quote: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.
Scene 104 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.AlonzoOpen quote: Good morning Erin. (driving by delivering newspapers)Erin HannonOpen quote: How are you? How's your family doing?Erin HannonOpen quote: Bye.
Scene 111 lineErin HannonOpen quote: Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. (chuckles) Listen to me, bragging away.
Scene 1212 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Nellie.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Robert.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?Nellie BertramOpen quote: So far, so good.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Good.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Mm-hm.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: We have a manager.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.
Scene 137 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?Andy BernardOpen quote: (on phone) Hello.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the...
Scene 161 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? (picking up dead fish) Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.
Scene 174 linesRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: Not much we can do about this until he gets here.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Can't you do something about this?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: -Right.
Scene 198 linesIreneOpen quote: Erin, you got a package.Erin HannonOpen quote: I'm in the bathroom.GlennOpen quote: Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label.IreneOpen quote: Did you wash your hands?Erin HannonOpen quote: Yes.Erin & IreneOpen quote: (screaming as Andy busts out of box)Andy BernardOpen quote: (singing) Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you.
Scene 209 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.IreneOpen quote: Where's the ring?Andy BernardOpen quote: Hm?IreneOpen quote: Where's the ring, Lancelot?Erin HannonOpen quote: Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.Erin HannonOpen quote: Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.GlennOpen quote: (whispering off screen) Why won't she go with him?IreneOpen quote: (whispering) I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.Erin HannonOpen quote: Hey... don't listen.
Scene 211 lineNellie BertramOpen quote: So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? (in American accent) Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? (normal voice) I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?
Scene 221 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name.
Scene 233 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. (in American accent) But why, m'lady? (in normal voice) Because I am your new manager.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Robert, is Nellie our new manager?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: (laughs) This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.
Scene 241 lineRobert CaliforniaOpen quote: We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?
Scene 255 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hot tub party?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Performance reviews.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?Nellie BertramOpen quote: On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.
Scene 268 linesGlennOpen quote: Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.Erin HannonOpen quote: Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better.IreneOpen quote: So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know.Erin HannonOpen quote: So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.IreneOpen quote: I think you should leave, young man.Andy BernardOpen quote: All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.Erin HannonOpen quote: You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.
Scene 273 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Any luck?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.Andy BernardOpen quote: (on phone message, singing) Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-
Scene 2818 linesErin HannonOpen quote: Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. (Andy's phone vibrating)IreneOpen quote: You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.Andy BernardOpen quote: Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger.IreneOpen quote: You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session.Andy BernardOpen quote: I don't know. (phone vibrating) Just let it vibrate. It's fine.IreneOpen quote: You could put it on silent.Andy BernardOpen quote: I don't think it does that.IreneOpen quote: Just go to preferences, then click –GlennOpen quote: (answering Andy's phone) Proctology.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (on phone) Andy?Andy BernardOpen quote: Jim?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Andy, where are you?Andy BernardOpen quote: I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops, man.IreneOpen quote: He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.Andy BernardOpen quote: What do you mean, take my job?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later.
Scene 295 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.Angela MartinOpen quote: Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I like working here.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight, should she be our manager?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.
Scene 3118 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? (clears throat)Nellie BertramOpen quote: All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: There's no limit to what I think I deserve.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Then you accept it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Five percent. No less.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Absolutely not. Seven percent.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Six percent, I know my worth.Jim HalpertOpen quote: The raise isn't real.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.Nellie BertramOpen quote: So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Phyllis.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Pam.
Scene 323 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Really?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive.
Scene 3319 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: I am not. Huh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a-- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not-- sorry.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, god, nature, please.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: When two animals are having sex, one of them...Jim HalpertOpen quote: (exhales sharply)Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: … is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Was that not the--Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mm-hm.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No. I would've said no.
Scene 342 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh, great.
Scene 3515 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office) Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (panting) Well fought. I accept the outcome.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Touch me and I'll sue.
Scene 3612 linesErin HannonOpen quote: I've heard that's amazing when it works.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, if I had my own--Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy, I care about you and I think--Andy BernardOpen quote: --sorry, you go.Erin HannonOpen quote: No, go ahead.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?Andy BernardOpen quote: You broke my heart too.Erin HannonOpen quote: You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be.Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.Erin HannonOpen quote: I know.Andy BernardOpen quote: (sighs)
Scene 3712 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy.Nellie BertramOpen quote: That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?Nellie BertramOpen quote: Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle.Nellie BertramOpen quote: You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I think... you're a witch.Nellie BertramOpen quote: I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: “I'm amazing.”Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (drowsily) I'm amazing. (sighs)
Scene 387 linesIreneOpen quote: Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.Erin HannonOpen quote: Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon.IreneOpen quote: I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink--Erin HannonOpen quote: Irene, what would you do without me?IreneOpen quote: We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.Erin HannonOpen quote: Why?IreneOpen quote: He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.
Scene 3921 linesNellie BertramOpen quote: Jim, time for your review.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, it's not, because you don't really work here.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes.Nellie BertramOpen quote: I'm Tinkerbell.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Nellie BertramOpen quote: Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: And we are grateful.Nellie BertramOpen quote: But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.Jim HalpertOpen quote: She dies.Nellie BertramOpen quote: She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Let's see it. Show of hands.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I do. (applause) Come on everyone...Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right, guys, stop.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I already spent the money.Jim HalpertOpen quote: How?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Come on Jim, you're killing her!EveryoneOpen quote: We believe! We believe!Robert CaliforniaOpen quote: Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. (applause continues)
Scene 4018 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. (tosses it out car window) It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy wait! (running down street) Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I’m sorry.Andy BernardOpen quote: Erin!Erin HannonOpen quote: Andy. (horns honking as they kiss in the street)Erin HannonOpen quote: Let's get out of here.Andy BernardOpen quote: Okay.Erin HannonOpen quote: Let's go.Andy BernardOpen quote: Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.Erin HannonOpen quote: No, I don't have any stuff.Andy BernardOpen quote: Like your toothbrush and stuff.Erin HannonOpen quote: I don't have one.Andy BernardOpen quote: You don't have a toothbrush?Erin HannonOpen quote: No.Andy BernardOpen quote: How do you not have a toothbrush?Erin HannonOpen quote: I just... there's always one around.Andy BernardOpen quote: You just use whichever one is sitting there?Erin HannonOpen quote: I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?Andy BernardOpen quote: Of course. I own my toothbrush.
Scene 411 lineNellie BertramOpen quote: I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.