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Season 8 Episode 19
Get the Girl

Every line from The Office episode "Get the Girl", season 8 episode 19.

Pam Beesly: (telephone ringing) This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we’ll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.
Kevin Malone: Nice.
Pam Beesly: There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not -- it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it.
Pam Beesly: Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal.
Jim Halpert: Wow. It’s the end of an era.
Pam Beesly: Did a good job, Buddy. Now it’s time to come home.
Oscar Martinez: I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.
Kevin Malone: When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.
Ryan Howard: How long do you think it’s been up there, Kevin?
Kevin Malone: I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, “Look, a balloon.”
Dwight Schrute: My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.
Meredith Palmer: My kid didn’t have a face tattoo.
Darryl Philbin: I was still thinking of going back to school.
Jim Halpert: And I was still just a paper salesman.
Dwight Schrute: Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. (everyone sighs)
Everyone: Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. (pops loudly) (cheers and applause)
Jim Halpert: Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?
Kevin Malone: oooh
Darryl Philbin: Me.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Right here.
Nellie Bertram: Allow me to solve your problem, then.
Jim Halpert: Nellie
Nellie Bertram: Mmm. (bites sandwich) Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?
Jim Halpert: What brings you to town?
Nellie Bertram: Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Dwight Schrute: How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.
Toby Flenderson: Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony.
Nellie Bertram: Mm.
Pam Beesly: What?
Toby Flenderson: I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby.
Pam Beesly: You messed up saying your name?
Toby Flenderson: It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.
Nellie Bertram: That one looks empty.
Jim Halpert: No, that's Andy's office.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, is it?
Nellie Bertram: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.
Erin Hannon: Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.
Alonzo: Good morning Erin. (driving by delivering newspapers)
Erin Hannon: How are you? How's your family doing?
Erin Hannon: Bye.
Erin Hannon: Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. (chuckles) Listen to me, bragging away.
Robert California: Nellie.
Nellie Bertram: Robert.
Robert California: How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
Nellie Bertram: So far, so good.
Robert California: Good.
Nellie Bertram: Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.
Robert California: Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it?
Nellie Bertram: Mm-hm.
Robert California: Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?
Nellie Bertram: Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.
Robert California: We have a manager.
Nellie Bertram: Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.
Robert California: Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?
Kevin Malone: Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys?
Andy Bernard: (on phone) Hello.
Robert California: Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?
Andy Bernard: Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick.
Robert California: I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately.
Andy Bernard: Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the...
Andy Bernard: (standing in ocean) ...Florida Flu.
Robert California: He just hung up on me mid-sentence.
Andy Bernard: I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? (picking up dead fish) Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.
Robert California: Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Jim Halpert: Can't you do something about this?
Robert California: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.
Jim Halpert: -Right.
Jim Halpert: What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on?
Irene: Erin, you got a package.
Erin Hannon: I'm in the bathroom.
Glenn: Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label.
Irene: Did you wash your hands?
Erin Hannon: Yes.
Erin & Irene: (screaming as Andy busts out of box)
Andy Bernard: (singing) Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours!
Erin Hannon: Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you.
Andy Bernard: Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.
Irene: Where's the ring?
Andy Bernard: Hm?
Irene: Where's the ring, Lancelot?
Erin Hannon: Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.
Erin Hannon: Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.
Glenn: (whispering off screen) Why won't she go with him?
Irene: (whispering) I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.
Erin Hannon: Hey... don't listen.
Nellie Bertram: So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? (in American accent) Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? (normal voice) I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo?
Jim Halpert: I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name.
Nellie Bertram: So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. (in American accent) But why, m'lady? (in normal voice) Because I am your new manager.
Pam Beesly: Robert, is Nellie our new manager?
Robert California: (laughs) This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out.
Robert California: We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?
Nellie Bertram: I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.
Kevin Malone: Hot tub party?
Nellie Bertram: Performance reviews.
Pam Beesly: How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us?
Nellie Bertram: On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.
Glenn: Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.
Erin Hannon: Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better.
Irene: So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?
Andy Bernard: Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know.
Erin Hannon: So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.
Irene: I think you should leave, young man.
Andy Bernard: All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.
Erin Hannon: You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.
Jim Halpert: Any luck?
Pam Beesly: No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.
Andy Bernard: (on phone message, singing) Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-
Erin Hannon: Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. (Andy's phone vibrating)
Irene: You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.
Andy Bernard: Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger.
Irene: You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session.
Andy Bernard: I don't know. (phone vibrating) Just let it vibrate. It's fine.
Irene: You could put it on silent.
Andy Bernard: I don't think it does that.
Irene: Just go to preferences, then click –
Glenn: (answering Andy's phone) Proctology.
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Andy?
Andy Bernard: Jim?
Jim Halpert: Andy, where are you?
Andy Bernard: I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops, man.
Irene: He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.
Jim Halpert: What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.
Andy Bernard: What do you mean, take my job?
Jim Halpert: Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.
Andy Bernard: Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later.
Jim Halpert: Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.
Angela Martin: Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?
Pam Beesly: I like working here.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, should she be our manager?
Dwight Schrute: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.
Dwight Schrute: Those who can't farm, farm celery.
Jim Halpert: And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? (clears throat)
Nellie Bertram: All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know.
Nellie Bertram: Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Nellie Bertram: Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?
Dwight Schrute: There's no limit to what I think I deserve.
Nellie Bertram: Then you accept it?
Dwight Schrute: Five percent. No less.
Nellie Bertram: Absolutely not. Seven percent.
Dwight Schrute: Six percent, I know my worth.
Jim Halpert: The raise isn't real.
Dwight Schrute: Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.
Nellie Bertram: So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it.
Pam Beesly: Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: Pam.
Nellie Bertram: So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.
Phyllis Vance: Really?
Nellie Bertram: Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive.
Jim Halpert: Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?
Robert California: I am not. Huh.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.
Robert California: Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?
Jim Halpert: Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a-- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not-- sorry.
Robert California: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Robert California: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim Halpert: Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert California: When two animals are having sex, one of them...
Jim Halpert: (exhales sharply)
Robert California: … is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim Halpert: Was that not the--
Robert California: All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim Halpert: Mm-hm.
Robert California: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it?
Jim Halpert: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad.
Robert California: My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?
Jim Halpert: No. I would've said no.
Nellie Bertram: Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, great.
Jim Halpert: I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that.
Dwight Schrute: No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.
Darryl Philbin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Darryl Philbin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Darryl Philbin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Darryl Philbin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Darryl Philbin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off.
Dwight Schrute: (Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office) Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.
Dwight Schrute: (panting) Well fought. I accept the outcome.
Creed Bratton: Touch me and I'll sue.
Erin Hannon: I've heard that's amazing when it works.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, if I had my own--
Erin Hannon: Andy, I care about you and I think--
Andy Bernard: --sorry, you go.
Erin Hannon: No, go ahead.
Andy Bernard: Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say?
Erin Hannon: Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?
Andy Bernard: You broke my heart too.
Erin Hannon: You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be.
Andy Bernard: I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.
Erin Hannon: I know.
Andy Bernard: (sighs)
Nellie Bertram: So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.
Pam Beesly: Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy.
Nellie Bertram: That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two.
Pam Beesly: Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?
Nellie Bertram: Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?
Pam Beesly: Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle.
Nellie Bertram: You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?
Pam Beesly: No.
Nellie Bertram: Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.
Pam Beesly: I think... you're a witch.
Nellie Bertram: I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: “I'm amazing.”
Pam Beesly: (drowsily) I'm amazing. (sighs)
Irene: Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.
Erin Hannon: Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon.
Irene: I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink--
Erin Hannon: Irene, what would you do without me?
Irene: We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.
Erin Hannon: Why?
Irene: He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.
Nellie Bertram: Jim, time for your review.
Jim Halpert: No, it's not, because you don't really work here.
Nellie Bertram: Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises.
Nellie Bertram: Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Nellie Bertram: I'm Tinkerbell.
Jim Halpert: No.
Nellie Bertram: Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.
Stanley Hudson: And we are grateful.
Nellie Bertram: But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist.
Jim Halpert: She dies.
Nellie Bertram: She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?
Jim Halpert: Let's see it. Show of hands.
Kevin Malone: I do. (applause) Come on everyone...
Jim Halpert: All right, guys, stop.
Meredith Palmer: I already spent the money.
Jim Halpert: How?
Kevin Malone: Come on Jim, you're killing her!
Everyone: We believe! We believe!
Robert California: Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. (applause continues)
Andy Bernard: That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. (tosses it out car window) It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.
Erin Hannon: Andy wait! (running down street) Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I’m sorry.
Andy Bernard: Erin!
Erin Hannon: Andy. (horns honking as they kiss in the street)
Erin Hannon: Let's get out of here.
Andy Bernard: Okay.
Erin Hannon: Let's go.
Andy Bernard: Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.
Erin Hannon: No, I don't have any stuff.
Andy Bernard: Like your toothbrush and stuff.
Erin Hannon: I don't have one.
Andy Bernard: You don't have a toothbrush?
Erin Hannon: No.
Andy Bernard: How do you not have a toothbrush?
Erin Hannon: I just... there's always one around.
Andy Bernard: You just use whichever one is sitting there?
Erin Hannon: I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?
Andy Bernard: Of course. I own my toothbrush.
Nellie Bertram: I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 19 season 8. Get the Girl is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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