Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Incentive

Vol. 8 · Issue 2Scranton, PA

Andy Bernard tries to prove he can inspire the office by promising a butt tattoo if sales double. Between Kevin trying to save time by using fewer words and the staff pooling their points for the Nard Dog, you'll find every line from the episode right here. It’s the best way to catch all those awkward Robert California moments and funny lines.

Scene 01

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, so this isn’t matching up with this…and I’m not sure which one’s right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?
Kevin Malone
Yes. Me do.
Jim Halpert
Alright.

Scene 02

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?
Kevin Malone
Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.
Pam Beesly
Kevin, do you feel OK?
Kevin Malone
Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, alright Kev why don’t you come with us?
Oscar Martinez
No, guys.
Angela Martin
No, he’s fine.
Oscar Martinez
He’s fine.
Angela Martin
He’s always been like that.
Pam Beesly
No he hasn’t.
Angela Martin
I mean, he’s gotten worse over the years….
Oscar Martinez
He’s making a statement. It’s an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
Kevin Malone
You keep think that.

Scene 03

1 line
Kevin Malone
Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say “car no go”, and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?

Scene 04

15 lines
Andy Bernard
Kevin, I appreciate what you’re trying to do.
Kevin Malone
Thank.
Andy Bernard
Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we’re talking about is…basically the speech equivalent… to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use…but need need for talk talk.
Kevin Malone
But save time. More success.
Jim Halpert
Does it save time though? ‘Cause we’ve been here for about an hour.
Kevin Malone
No me fault.
Pam Beesly
Kevin, at most you’re saving a microscopic amount of time.
Kevin Malone
Many small time make big time.
Andy Bernard
What are you gonna do with all this time?
Kevin Malone
See world.
Pam Beesly
Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.
Jim Halpert
K, Kevin, are you saying “See the world”? or “Sea World?”
Kevin Malone
See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Jim Halpert
No, see? Right there, that’s the problem with your method. ‘Cause I still don’t know if you’re saying “Sea World” or “see the world,” and it’s taking a lot of time to explain it.
Kevin Malone
Fine, fine. I’ll talk normally.

Scene 05

1 line
Kevin Malone
When me President, they see. (Nodding and smiling) They see.

Scene 06

21 lines
Dwight Schrute
This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet….the Pyramid. (holds up triangle shaped touch pad)
Phyllis Vance
Ooh, why is it shaped like that?
Dwight Schrute
So, you can tell your clients: “Unleash the power of the pyramid.”
Pam Beesly
It’s huge. How much does it weigh?
Dwight Schrute
Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it’s barely three pounds.
Ryan Howard
How much memory does it have without the booster?
Dwight Schrute
Fifty L.
Ryan Howard
I’m sorry,” L”?
Jim Halpert
How many L to a K?
Dwight Schrute
You’re really going to want the booster.
Stanley Hudson
How on earth are we supposed to sell…?
Jim Halpert
I’ll take five.
Phyllis Vance
Andy, don’t make us sell this stupid thing.
Andy Bernard
Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwight’s meeting.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties…and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? (To Oscar) What do you think, C-SPAN?
Oscar Martinez
…”C-SPAN”?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause……
Dwight Schrute
Is this really the best use of our collective time?
Andy Bernard
I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, I’m sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dog…had to pull rank.
Dwight Schrute
(to group) OK, let’s look at some ties.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Here’s how I’m going to help out from now on. I’m going to not care, and I’m going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy’s inevitable demise.

Scene 08

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(To Oscar) Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.
Erin Hannon
Um, D-Dog, you have a message.
Pam Beesly
Erin, you don’t need to call him that.
Erin Hannon
Andy wants us to, P-Dog.
Darryl Philbin
It’s ok E-Dog, just who called?
Erin Hannon
Justine. She said she’s coming by later.
Jim Halpert
Your ex-wife?
Kevin Malone
Wait, I thought she was a **** and you ******* hated her guts?
Darryl Philbin
No no no no. I like her.
Kevin Malone
Well I’m just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don’t know the woman.
Darryl Philbin
Nah man, we get along now. Real well.
Jim Halpert
Wow. Alright. Can’t wait to meet her.
Darryl Philbin
I’ll introduce you.

Scene 09

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can’t tell you what I did with my ex wife last night…. I have to sing it. (singing) We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Scene 10

4 lines
Andy Bernard
(to Robert California) Hi Dad!...... Ahhh….oh boy.
Robert California
Hello, Andy. Excellent tie.
Erin Hannon
Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you’re here?
Robert California
I’d love some coffee.

Scene 11

7 lines
Robert California
I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.
Andy Bernard
Are you factoring in the… whole national …economy…. declining and all that?
Robert California
Andy, do you know why I chose you?
Andy Bernard
I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor….vanilla?
Robert California
Vanilla? No no no no. You’ll never guess in a million billion years you’ll never guess.
Andy Bernard
You were saying you chose me…. There was a reason?
Robert California
Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
Can I inspire? (laughs) I don’t know!.....I don’t know.

Scene 13

17 lines
Robert California
Oh! Thank you. Uh….
Erin Hannon
Oh, sorry.
Robert California
You can just put it down.
Erin Hannon
Oh
Robert California
That is very cold.
Erin Hannon
Yeah. It’s old. (smiling)
Robert California
Why would I…..?
Erin Hannon
I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said “coffee”….
Andy Bernard
Why don’t we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.
Erin Hannon
Andy, you don’t want that.
Andy Bernard
I’ve been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. (sips) Mmm….
Erin Hannon
Sorry.
Robert California
You like her.
Andy Bernard
I do.
Robert California
She likes you.
Andy Bernard
You know, we’ve both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we’re in this weird dance….
Robert California
(interrupting) I’m afraid you’ve lost my interest.

Scene 14

18 lines
Oscar Martinez
Let me call you back.
Meredith Palmer
I gotta go.
Robert California
If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?
Robert California
Ah…
Kevin Malone
This is where we go
Robert California
(chuckling) Oh, you’d go someplace else. That’s not it, that’s not the answer.
Kevin Malone
It’s a answer.
Robert California
It’s a wrong answer.
Kevin Malone
There are no wrong answers.
Robert California
Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at it’s birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?
Phyllis Vance
Wait….they’re terrified?
Robert California
Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don’t know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You’ll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them “you are welcome.” (Applause) Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.
Andy Bernard
You got it.
Robert California
Double.
Andy Bernard
Done.
Robert California
I’m not kidding.
Andy Bernard
Neither am I, it’s already done. Hah, I’m just kidding, it’s going to take some time.
Robert California
Double.

Scene 15

13 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey. (Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jim’s desk, kicking things in the process.)
Andy Bernard
What’s up, guys? Just thought we’d have a little rap session, talk about business…see how things are going? Ahem…
Jim Halpert
Why don’t you start?
Andy Bernard
If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert…man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how’s the sales doubling …project going?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can’t just press a magic button.
Andy Bernard
OF course not. There’s no magic button. You have to summon that.
Stanley Hudson
If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You’re not making any sense.
Jim Halpert
He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?
Andy Bernard
Dwight, anything?
Dwight Schrute
We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they’re out of the house.
Andy Bernard
You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? (Jim raises hand) Tuna.
Jim Halpert
New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door…
Andy Bernard
Fart….. good Sesh. (gets up) That leg’s asleep.

Scene 16

9 lines
Justine
Hello. I’m looking for Darryl Philbin?
Kevin Malone
Don’t! oh, you must think…I’m not. I’m using the fax, this isn’t, no wait. I’m not supposed to represent the company. Right? There’s usually an Erin here.
Justine
Ok….?
Kevin Malone
So…DARRYL! A GIRL!
Darryl Philbin
(Singing) rub a dub dub…I got scrubbed. ‘Sup, darlin’? Everybody, this is Justine. (murmurs of hello from the group) This is Jim and Oscar, everybody.
Meredith Palmer
Hi.
Kevin Malone
Kevin.
Justine
Can we…. go some place private?
Darryl Philbin
Follow me, I got a space. After you. I’ve been thinking about you all mornin’. I don’t know what you did, I can barely walk today.

Scene 17

15 lines
Andy Bernard
D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight Schrute
Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie…? Lick the spoon?
Andy Bernard
No, that’s ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about…
Dwight Schrute
Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don’t see the point. It’s so Wall Street.
Andy Bernard
I know, right?
Dwight Schrute
Right?
Andy Bernard
Yeah…um, how is everything?
Dwight Schrute
Good. Really really good.
Andy Bernard
Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.
Andy Bernard
Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Dwight Schrute
I don’t know, what do you mean?
Andy Bernard
There’s gotta be some way you can double your beet sales…
Dwight Schrute
You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! (Licks brownie battered finger) And I’ll do mine….. walnuts?
Kevin Malone
No!

Scene 18

14 lines
Angela Martin
Have you seen this? (Hands Pam Parenting magazine)
Pam Beesly
Parenting? Yeah. This is Cici’s favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.
Jim Halpert
She looks at it when she’s on the potty, and she makes the faces.
Angela Martin
Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?
Pam Beesly
I flipped through it.
Angela Martin
So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you’re pregnant?
Pam Beesly
Of course.
Jim Halpert
We know that.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Angela Martin
I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?
Pam Beesly
That sounds nice.
Angela Martin
Great.(Angela walks away)
Jim Halpert
You have a walking buddy.
Pam Beesly
I do.

Scene 19

36 lines
Andy Bernard
Thanks for coming in guys.
Phyllis Vance
You don’t have to thank us for coming in, it’s our job.
Andy Bernard
Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I’m gonna thank people.
Meredith Palmer
What’s with the blanket?
Andy Bernard
This is what’s under the blanket.
Oscar Martinez
We don’t get it.
Andy Bernard
These are incentives. It’s how we’re gonna double growth. Now, you’re probably all asking yourselves: “Well, how does this work?”
Pam Beesly
Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes.
Andy Bernard
You’re exactly right and you get a point.
Pam Beesly
Oh. (smiling)
Ryan Howard
Uh, is that a vibrator?
Andy Bernard
Twenty points.
Meredith Palmer
How does one get a point?
Andy Bernard
I’ve outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.
Kelly Kapoor
Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It’s so gross.
Andy Bernard
There’s lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.
Stanley Hudson
How ‘bout you want us to work harder, pay us more.
Andy Bernard
I can’t.
Kelly Kapoor
This point system is really insulting.
Andy Bernard
Ooh I didn’t mean to offend you, and I hope you’ll forgive me because I am very very… Sari. (tosses yellow print material over shoulder) Sixteen points.
Kelly Kapoor
That’s a tablecloth.
Jim Halpert
What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?
Andy Bernard
That’s a crazy amount of points.
Jim Halpert
But, what if?
Andy Bernard
Well, what do you want?
Jim Halpert
I don’t know, for such a crazy number I’d like something pretty crazy.
Andy Bernard
Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. (laughter)
Jim Halpert
That’s pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?
Andy Bernard
I’ll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. (laughter) Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard!(Andy points to his rear-end)
Group
Ooooh!
Oscar Martinez
Really?
Jim Halpert
Alright, alright. And you are totally serious?
Andy Bernard
Swear to God, hope to die. Now let’s get to work!
Jim Halpert
Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that case…let’s get to work.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
Yeah! Whoo! (Group cheers)

Scene 20

22 lines
Jim Halpert
(on the phone)I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. (hangs up) Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto?
Phyllis Vance
(hands Jim folder) Ask for Donald, Karen’s bananas.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Andy Bernard
T-bag bone…
Jim Halpert
Andrew.
Andy Bernard
Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Jim Halpert
No, I didn’t notice anything.
Andy Bernard
Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years….and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
Stanley Hudson
(On the phone) You’ve got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!
Jim Halpert
I don’t know what to tell you, man.
Andy Bernard
You think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Jim Halpert
Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.
Andy Bernard
Bah…I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
Jim Halpert
Nah, you definitely weren’t kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in. (hands Andy slip of paper)
Andy Bernard
Hundred and twenty points.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Big sale. Don’t worry about it though, I don’t really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though…(on phone) Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald…can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much. (gets up to give Erin his point receipt)
Pam Beesly
Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman’s?
Erin Hannon
Yes! (adds receipt to growing pile and thumbs up Andy.)
Jim Halpert
(on the phone)and I’m back. How are you sir?....I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?
Pam Beesly
Where’s Angela? (Hands paper over her shoulder)
Andy Bernard
Hey Kevin, what are you doing?
Kevin Malone
Don’t talk to me! (Everyone continues to work busily)

Scene 21

1 line
Andy Bernard
(on phone) Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of ’95. Hey there, um, I’m a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here…De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale…uh why? Well, um I guess you could say I’m in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. (laughs)

Scene 22

1 line
Erin Hannon
(fills in drawing showing points, crowd cheers and claps)

Scene 23

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Took ‘em one day.
Pam Beesly
Ready! (flips sketch pad showing tattoo possibilities) “I’m not as think as you drunk I am!” (crowd claps and cheers)
Ryan Howard
I like it, I like it! (Pam flips the page)
Pam Beesly
Do Not Resuscitate…(mild cheering)
Andy Bernard
OK, keep in mind, it’s not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car (nervous laughter) for a thousand points….or best offer.
Phyllis Vance
What else you got?
Pam Beesly
Oh, and then this was Phyllis’s idea…(shocked cheers) So nasty Phyllis!

Scene 24

12 lines
Pam Beesly
We were hoping you could do something like this…
Tattoo Artist
So, coming out of his butt is a…
Pam Beesly
Baby.
Tattoo Artist
Baby…
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Tattoo Artist
Yeah, no problem.
Andy Bernard
We should think about this…does anyone have any better ideas?
Stanley Hudson
I like what we have.
Meredith Palmer
Looks good.
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Kevin Malone
For sure. (murmurs from group in agreement)
Andy Bernard
Just need a second outside.

Scene 25

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Gettin’ psyched up?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this…
Andy Bernard
Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ….Confession: I don’t know what I’m doing.
Jim Halpert
I mean, do you like it? You having fun? (Andy snorts, unsure how to answer) Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun….and you did that.
Andy Bernard
My ass is only so big, I mean I can’t do this everyday.
Jim Halpert
But I think it’s big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea….which, by the way, I can’t wait for.
Andy Bernard
No one expects me to go through with this, right?
Jim Halpert
Absolutely not.

Scene 26

1 line
Andy Bernard
Let’s ink…my stink! (crowd cheers)

Scene 27

1 line
Andy Bernard
My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.

Scene 28

13 lines
Group
Whoa!
Andy Bernard
(lying on table) Do your worst!
Tattoo Artist
Uh, you can keep your pants on actually…if just drop ‘em down a bit, that’d be great.
Andy Bernard
They are already off, my good sir.
Tattoo Artist
I’d really prefer they not be down.
Andy Bernard
Well, I think down’s better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.
Pam Beesly
Do you think you could work from this? (showing Tattoo artist sketch pad) we made some small adjustments.
Tattoo Artist
OK, you want me to…
Pam Beesly
Just a few adjustments
Tattoo Artist
Alright, let’s begin.
Andy Bernard
This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!
Tattoo Artist
That was just the cotton swab.
Andy Bernard
Invest in softer cotton, sir. (tattooing begins) OW! Oh! Oooh! (Crowd cheers) oh, whoa!!

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I’m gonna like it.

Scene 30

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
DRAW SOME BLOOD!
Andy Bernard
AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Scene 31

1 line
Robert California
Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he’s all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him.

Scene 32

2 lines
Andy Bernard
(removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy) It’s a Nard Dog! (group cheers) That’s my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!
Jim Halpert
Pull up your pants.

Scene 33

1 line
Robert California
There’s something about an underdog that really inspires…the unexceptional.

Scene 34

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Um, what should we talk about?
Angela Martin
Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I’m having.
Pam Beesly
Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help.
Angela Martin
A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don’t know if I should call social services about it.
Pam Beesly
Angela, that’s pretty transparently me.
Angela Martin
Maybe.
Pam Beesly
You know it’s just herbal tea.
Angela Martin
In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I think you should call social services.
Angela Martin
I already did.
Pam Beesly
You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we’re in this together.
Angela Martin
Fine.
Pam Beesly
Fine.