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Season 8 Episode 2
The Incentive

Every line from The Office episode "The Incentive", season 8 episode 2.

Jim Halpert: Hey, so this isn’t matching up with this…and I’m not sure which one’s right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?
Kevin Malone: Yes. Me do.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Jim Halpert: Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?
Kevin Malone: Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.
Pam Beesly: Kevin, do you feel OK?
Kevin Malone: Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, alright Kev why don’t you come with us?
Oscar Martinez: No, guys.
Angela Martin: No, he’s fine.
Oscar Martinez: He’s fine.
Angela Martin: He’s always been like that.
Pam Beesly: No he hasn’t.
Angela Martin: I mean, he’s gotten worse over the years….
Oscar Martinez: He’s making a statement. It’s an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
Kevin Malone: You keep think that.
Kevin Malone: Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say “car no go”, and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?
Andy Bernard: Kevin, I appreciate what you’re trying to do.
Kevin Malone: Thank.
Andy Bernard: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we’re talking about is…basically the speech equivalent… to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use…but need need for talk talk.
Kevin Malone: But save time. More success.
Jim Halpert: Does it save time though? ‘Cause we’ve been here for about an hour.
Kevin Malone: No me fault.
Pam Beesly: Kevin, at most you’re saving a microscopic amount of time.
Kevin Malone: Many small time make big time.
Andy Bernard: What are you gonna do with all this time?
Kevin Malone: See world.
Pam Beesly: Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.
Jim Halpert: K, Kevin, are you saying “See the world”? or “Sea World?”
Kevin Malone: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Jim Halpert: No, see? Right there, that’s the problem with your method. ‘Cause I still don’t know if you’re saying “Sea World” or “see the world,” and it’s taking a lot of time to explain it.
Kevin Malone: Fine, fine. I’ll talk normally.
Kevin Malone: When me President, they see. (Nodding and smiling) They see.
Dwight Schrute: This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet….the Pyramid. (holds up triangle shaped touch pad)
Phyllis Vance: Ooh, why is it shaped like that?
Dwight Schrute: So, you can tell your clients: “Unleash the power of the pyramid.”
Pam Beesly: It’s huge. How much does it weigh?
Dwight Schrute: Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it’s barely three pounds.
Ryan Howard: How much memory does it have without the booster?
Dwight Schrute: Fifty L.
Ryan Howard: I’m sorry,” L”?
Jim Halpert: How many L to a K?
Dwight Schrute: You’re really going to want the booster.
Stanley Hudson: How on earth are we supposed to sell…?
Jim Halpert: I’ll take five.
Phyllis Vance: Andy, don’t make us sell this stupid thing.
Andy Bernard: Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwight’s meeting.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties…and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? (To Oscar) What do you think, C-SPAN?
Oscar Martinez: …”C-SPAN”?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause……
Dwight Schrute: Is this really the best use of our collective time?
Andy Bernard: I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, I’m sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dog…had to pull rank.
Dwight Schrute: (to group) OK, let’s look at some ties.
Dwight Schrute: Here’s how I’m going to help out from now on. I’m going to not care, and I’m going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy’s inevitable demise.
Dwight Schrute: (To Oscar) Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.
Erin Hannon: Um, D-Dog, you have a message.
Pam Beesly: Erin, you don’t need to call him that.
Erin Hannon: Andy wants us to, P-Dog.
Darryl Philbin: It’s ok E-Dog, just who called?
Erin Hannon: Justine. She said she’s coming by later.
Jim Halpert: Your ex-wife?
Kevin Malone: Wait, I thought she was a **** and you ******* hated her guts?
Darryl Philbin: No no no no. I like her.
Kevin Malone: Well I’m just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don’t know the woman.
Darryl Philbin: Nah man, we get along now. Real well.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Alright. Can’t wait to meet her.
Darryl Philbin: I’ll introduce you.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can’t tell you what I did with my ex wife last night…. I have to sing it. (singing) We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Andy Bernard: (to Robert California) Hi Dad!...... Ahhh….oh boy.
Robert California: Hello, Andy. Excellent tie.
Erin Hannon: Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you’re here?
Robert California: I’d love some coffee.
Robert California: I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.
Andy Bernard: Are you factoring in the… whole national …economy…. declining and all that?
Robert California: Andy, do you know why I chose you?
Andy Bernard: I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor….vanilla?
Robert California: Vanilla? No no no no. You’ll never guess in a million billion years you’ll never guess.
Andy Bernard: You were saying you chose me…. There was a reason?
Robert California: Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?
Andy Bernard: Can I inspire? (laughs) I don’t know!.....I don’t know.
Robert California: Oh! Thank you. Uh….
Erin Hannon: Oh, sorry.
Robert California: You can just put it down.
Erin Hannon: Oh
Robert California: That is very cold.
Erin Hannon: Yeah. It’s old. (smiling)
Robert California: Why would I…..?
Erin Hannon: I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said “coffee”….
Andy Bernard: Why don’t we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.
Erin Hannon: Andy, you don’t want that.
Andy Bernard: I’ve been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. (sips) Mmm….
Erin Hannon: Sorry.
Robert California: You like her.
Andy Bernard: I do.
Robert California: She likes you.
Andy Bernard: You know, we’ve both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we’re in this weird dance….
Robert California: (interrupting) I’m afraid you’ve lost my interest.
Oscar Martinez: Let me call you back.
Meredith Palmer: I gotta go.
Robert California: If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?
Robert California: Ah…
Kevin Malone: This is where we go
Robert California: (chuckling) Oh, you’d go someplace else. That’s not it, that’s not the answer.
Kevin Malone: It’s a answer.
Robert California: It’s a wrong answer.
Kevin Malone: There are no wrong answers.
Robert California: Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at it’s birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?
Phyllis Vance: Wait….they’re terrified?
Robert California: Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don’t know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You’ll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them “you are welcome.” (Applause) Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.
Andy Bernard: You got it.
Robert California: Double.
Andy Bernard: Done.
Robert California: I’m not kidding.
Andy Bernard: Neither am I, it’s already done. Hah, I’m just kidding, it’s going to take some time.
Robert California: Double.
Jim Halpert: Hey. (Andy pushes things aside and sits on top of Jim’s desk, kicking things in the process.)
Andy Bernard: What’s up, guys? Just thought we’d have a little rap session, talk about business…see how things are going? Ahem…
Jim Halpert: Why don’t you start?
Andy Bernard: If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert…man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how’s the sales doubling …project going?
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can’t just press a magic button.
Andy Bernard: OF course not. There’s no magic button. You have to summon that.
Stanley Hudson: If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You’re not making any sense.
Jim Halpert: He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?
Andy Bernard: Dwight, anything?
Dwight Schrute: We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they’re out of the house.
Andy Bernard: You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? (Jim raises hand) Tuna.
Jim Halpert: New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door…
Andy Bernard: Fart….. good Sesh. (gets up) That leg’s asleep.
Justine: Hello. I’m looking for Darryl Philbin?
Kevin Malone: Don’t! oh, you must think…I’m not. I’m using the fax, this isn’t, no wait. I’m not supposed to represent the company. Right? There’s usually an Erin here.
Justine: Ok….?
Kevin Malone: So…DARRYL! A GIRL!
Darryl Philbin: (Singing) rub a dub dub…I got scrubbed. ‘Sup, darlin’? Everybody, this is Justine. (murmurs of hello from the group) This is Jim and Oscar, everybody.
Meredith Palmer: Hi.
Kevin Malone: Kevin.
Justine: Can we…. go some place private?
Darryl Philbin: Follow me, I got a space. After you. I’ve been thinking about you all mornin’. I don’t know what you did, I can barely walk today.
Andy Bernard: D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight Schrute: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie…? Lick the spoon?
Andy Bernard: No, that’s ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about…
Dwight Schrute: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don’t see the point. It’s so Wall Street.
Andy Bernard: I know, right?
Dwight Schrute: Right?
Andy Bernard: Yeah…um, how is everything?
Dwight Schrute: Good. Really really good.
Andy Bernard: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.
Andy Bernard: Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Dwight Schrute: I don’t know, what do you mean?
Andy Bernard: There’s gotta be some way you can double your beet sales…
Dwight Schrute: You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! (Licks brownie battered finger) And I’ll do mine….. walnuts?
Kevin Malone: No!
Angela Martin: Have you seen this? (Hands Pam Parenting magazine)
Pam Beesly: Parenting? Yeah. This is Cici’s favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.
Jim Halpert: She looks at it when she’s on the potty, and she makes the faces.
Angela Martin: Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?
Pam Beesly: I flipped through it.
Angela Martin: So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you’re pregnant?
Pam Beesly: Of course.
Jim Halpert: We know that.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Angela Martin: I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?
Pam Beesly: That sounds nice.
Angela Martin: Great.(Angela walks away)
Jim Halpert: You have a walking buddy.
Pam Beesly: I do.
Andy Bernard: Thanks for coming in guys.
Phyllis Vance: You don’t have to thank us for coming in, it’s our job.
Andy Bernard: Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I’m gonna thank people.
Meredith Palmer: What’s with the blanket?
Andy Bernard: This is what’s under the blanket.
Oscar Martinez: We don’t get it.
Andy Bernard: These are incentives. It’s how we’re gonna double growth. Now, you’re probably all asking yourselves: “Well, how does this work?”
Pam Beesly: Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes.
Andy Bernard: You’re exactly right and you get a point.
Pam Beesly: Oh. (smiling)
Ryan Howard: Uh, is that a vibrator?
Andy Bernard: Twenty points.
Meredith Palmer: How does one get a point?
Andy Bernard: I’ve outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.
Kelly Kapoor: Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It’s so gross.
Andy Bernard: There’s lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.
Stanley Hudson: How ‘bout you want us to work harder, pay us more.
Andy Bernard: I can’t.
Kelly Kapoor: This point system is really insulting.
Andy Bernard: Ooh I didn’t mean to offend you, and I hope you’ll forgive me because I am very very… Sari. (tosses yellow print material over shoulder) Sixteen points.
Kelly Kapoor: That’s a tablecloth.
Jim Halpert: What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?
Andy Bernard: That’s a crazy amount of points.
Jim Halpert: But, what if?
Andy Bernard: Well, what do you want?
Jim Halpert: I don’t know, for such a crazy number I’d like something pretty crazy.
Andy Bernard: Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. (laughter)
Jim Halpert: That’s pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?
Andy Bernard: I’ll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. (laughter) Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard!(Andy points to his rear-end)
Group: Ooooh!
Oscar Martinez: Really?
Jim Halpert: Alright, alright. And you are totally serious?
Andy Bernard: Swear to God, hope to die. Now let’s get to work!
Jim Halpert: Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that case…let’s get to work.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Pam Beesly: Yeah! Whoo! (Group cheers)
Jim Halpert: (on the phone)I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. (hangs up) Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto?
Phyllis Vance: (hands Jim folder) Ask for Donald, Karen’s bananas.
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Andy Bernard: T-bag bone…
Jim Halpert: Andrew.
Andy Bernard: Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Jim Halpert: No, I didn’t notice anything.
Andy Bernard: Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years….and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
Stanley Hudson: (On the phone) You’ve got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!
Jim Halpert: I don’t know what to tell you, man.
Andy Bernard: You think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Jim Halpert: Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.
Andy Bernard: Bah…I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
Jim Halpert: Nah, you definitely weren’t kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in. (hands Andy slip of paper)
Andy Bernard: Hundred and twenty points.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Big sale. Don’t worry about it though, I don’t really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though…(on phone) Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald…can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much. (gets up to give Erin his point receipt)
Pam Beesly: Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman’s?
Erin Hannon: Yes! (adds receipt to growing pile and thumbs up Andy.)
Jim Halpert: (on the phone)and I’m back. How are you sir?....I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?
Pam Beesly: Where’s Angela? (Hands paper over her shoulder)
Andy Bernard: Hey Kevin, what are you doing?
Kevin Malone: Don’t talk to me! (Everyone continues to work busily)
Andy Bernard: (on phone) Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of ’95. Hey there, um, I’m a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here…De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale…uh why? Well, um I guess you could say I’m in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. (laughs)
Erin Hannon: (fills in drawing showing points, crowd cheers and claps)
Andy Bernard: Took ‘em one day.
Pam Beesly: Ready! (flips sketch pad showing tattoo possibilities) “I’m not as think as you drunk I am!” (crowd claps and cheers)
Ryan Howard: I like it, I like it! (Pam flips the page)
Pam Beesly: Do Not Resuscitate…(mild cheering)
Andy Bernard: OK, keep in mind, it’s not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car (nervous laughter) for a thousand points….or best offer.
Phyllis Vance: What else you got?
Pam Beesly: Oh, and then this was Phyllis’s idea…(shocked cheers) So nasty Phyllis!
Pam Beesly: We were hoping you could do something like this…
Tattoo Artist: So, coming out of his butt is a…
Pam Beesly: Baby.
Tattoo Artist: Baby…
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Tattoo Artist: Yeah, no problem.
Andy Bernard: We should think about this…does anyone have any better ideas?
Stanley Hudson: I like what we have.
Meredith Palmer: Looks good.
Erin Hannon: Yeah.
Kevin Malone: For sure. (murmurs from group in agreement)
Andy Bernard: Just need a second outside.
Jim Halpert: Gettin’ psyched up?
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this…
Andy Bernard: Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ….Confession: I don’t know what I’m doing.
Jim Halpert: I mean, do you like it? You having fun? (Andy snorts, unsure how to answer) Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun….and you did that.
Andy Bernard: My ass is only so big, I mean I can’t do this everyday.
Jim Halpert: But I think it’s big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea….which, by the way, I can’t wait for.
Andy Bernard: No one expects me to go through with this, right?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not.
Andy Bernard: Let’s ink…my stink! (crowd cheers)
Andy Bernard: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.
Group: Whoa!
Andy Bernard: (lying on table) Do your worst!
Tattoo Artist: Uh, you can keep your pants on actually…if just drop ‘em down a bit, that’d be great.
Andy Bernard: They are already off, my good sir.
Tattoo Artist: I’d really prefer they not be down.
Andy Bernard: Well, I think down’s better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.
Pam Beesly: Do you think you could work from this? (showing Tattoo artist sketch pad) we made some small adjustments.
Tattoo Artist: OK, you want me to…
Pam Beesly: Just a few adjustments
Tattoo Artist: Alright, let’s begin.
Andy Bernard: This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!
Tattoo Artist: That was just the cotton swab.
Andy Bernard: Invest in softer cotton, sir. (tattooing begins) OW! Oh! Oooh! (Crowd cheers) oh, whoa!!
Dwight Schrute: Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I’m gonna like it.
Dwight Schrute: DRAW SOME BLOOD!
Andy Bernard: AHHHHH!!!!!!!
Robert California: Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he’s all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him.
Andy Bernard: (removes tape to reveal tattoo of puppy) It’s a Nard Dog! (group cheers) That’s my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!
Jim Halpert: Pull up your pants.
Robert California: There’s something about an underdog that really inspires…the unexceptional.
Pam Beesly: Um, what should we talk about?
Angela Martin: Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I’m having.
Pam Beesly: Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help.
Angela Martin: A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don’t know if I should call social services about it.
Pam Beesly: Angela, that’s pretty transparently me.
Angela Martin: Maybe.
Pam Beesly: You know it’s just herbal tea.
Angela Martin: In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I think you should call social services.
Angela Martin: I already did.
Pam Beesly: You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we’re in this together.
Angela Martin: Fine.
Pam Beesly: Fine.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 2 season 8. The Incentive is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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