Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Welcome Party

Vol. 8 · Issue 20Scranton, PA

Robert California forces the staff to throw Nellie a welcome party, but the Party Planning Committee is aiming for a prank instead of a celebration. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from the mustache debate to Andy’s extremely awkward breakup with Jessica. It is the perfect spot to grab that one quote about haulin' cube or the terrible magician.

Scene 01

22 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim Halpert
Oh, great. (reads) "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh that's not good.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam Beesly
It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Jim Halpert
Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam Beesly
Yeah he does.
Oscar Martinez
Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Pam Beesly
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Pam Beesly
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim Halpert
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela Martin
'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam Beesly
Okay, which one of these looks more right? (holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache)
Dwight Schrute
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe Lewis
(bell dings) Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim Halpert
Okay, quick. Who says moustache? (Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands)
Dwight Schrute
Yep.
Jim Halpert
Who says no moustache? (Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face)
Gabe Lewis
(reveals Stanley's moustache) Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis Vance
He does have a moustache.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Pam Beesly
Welcome back, Stanley. (Stanley grunts)

Scene 02

33 lines
Robert California
"Good morning, Robert," says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. (no one responds) Pam!
Pam Beesly
Oh! (takes out earbuds)
Robert California
Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz"?
Pam Beesly
Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.
Robert California
People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-
Nellie Bertram
Sorry, sorry, everyone, I'm late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness.
Robert California
(laughing) Nellie, really, nine fifty?
Nellie Bertram
Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze.
Robert California
Ah.
Nellie Bertram
Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!
Robert California
(laughs) I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.
Nellie Bertram
Ah ha!
Robert California
I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it.
Robert California
No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life.
Nellie Bertram
Well, yes, uh... there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?
Kevin & Meredith
(in unison) Yes.
Nellie Bertram
Ugh! I hate that! No offense.
Kevin Malone
None taken.
Oscar Martinez
Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.
Nellie Bertram
oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless!
Stanley Hudson
Who's a native?
Nellie Bertram
Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. (everyone groans)
Oscar Martinez
What does that mean?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, okay.
Nellie Bertram
If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?
Robert California
Nellie?
Nellie Bertram
Yes, Robert!
Robert California
You're clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in.
Nellie Bertram
Yeah.
Robert California
Let's help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place.
Dwight Schrute
Why Jim?
Robert California
The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community.

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
I’m sorry, we're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment.

Scene 05

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm still not sure why this woman is even here.

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
Why is she here?

Scene 07

2 lines
Andy Bernard
(sings) Two crazy kids on the journey of life.
Erin Hannon
(sings) Going to Pennsylvania.

Scene 08

5 lines
Andy Bernard
On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania.
Erin Hannon
Oh. That must be nice.
Andy Bernard
Mm-hmm. It's a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy.
Erin Hannon
Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents.
Andy Bernard
Oh. Hmm.

Scene 09

9 lines
Andy Bernard
(sings) Time to have a little kiss!
Erin Hannon
No.
Andy Bernard
Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official.
Erin Hannon
Yes.
Andy Bernard
I believe in that.
Erin Hannon
Yes. So do I.
Andy Bernard
I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important.
Erin Hannon
Important.
Andy Bernard
Mm-hmm.

Scene 10

9 lines
Phyllis Vance
I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her.
Pam Beesly
I know, right?
Oscar Martinez
She's always late, she's always rude...
Phyllis Vance
It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah.
Phyllis Vance
On purpose.
Pam Beesly
Phyllis!
Angela Martin
(laughs) We should do it right here in the break room. (they giggle)
Phyllis Vance
Order carrot cake. (laughter)

Scene 11

8 lines
Andy Bernard
...and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you.
Erin Hannon
Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds.
Andy Bernard
Consider it nailed.
Erin Hannon
(vocalizing) I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario.
Andy Bernard
Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know-
Erin Hannon
(whining) What?
Andy Bernard
I just need you to know-
Erin Hannon
What is it? I didn't sleep well last night. (they laugh)

Scene 12

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
(lifting box) Ugh! Ow.
Jim Halpert
Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door.
Dwight Schrute
Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? "Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is."
Jim Halpert
That was one time-
Dwight Schrute
I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.
Nellie Bertram
Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic.
Jim Halpert
(cell phone rings) Excuse me, one second. Hi.
Pam Beesly
Hey, what's up?
Jim Halpert
Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(shouting) Haulin' cube!
Jim Halpert
That's moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler.
Pam Beesly
So we're planning this party for Nellie, and we're gonna make it really bad.
Jim Halpert
Sounds like every other party.
Pam Beesly
No. We're gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card.
Jim Halpert
Oh! Hire a magician.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
Trust me.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) Okay.

Scene 13

15 lines
Andy Bernard
Wow. There's a lot of cars here. This is just weird.
Lauren
(knocks on car window) Andy! Hey, what are you doing here?
Andy Bernard
Hey, Lauren. Look at you.
Lauren
Well, I know. Look at me.
Andy Bernard
I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica.
Lauren
Aww! (clicks tongue)
Andy Bernard
Why is Erin with me? That's a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totaled her car.
Lauren
Oh. God.
Erin Hannon
So, I'm Erin. Hi.
Andy Bernard
Yep. This is Erin.
Lauren
Nice to meet you. (Erin gasps at another girl outside her window) Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here!
Erin Hannon
Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime. Should we go?
Andy Bernard
Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just-
Lauren
Oh, Jess! (claps) Look who stopped by after his business trip!
Jessica
Andy! Hey!

Scene 14

21 lines
Dwight Schrute
I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.
Jim Halpert
Yes, you should.
Dwight Schrute
(finds shoe box) Ooh.
Jim Halpert
(reads) "Nellie, don't open, stupid. Love, Nellie."
Dwight Schrute
I have to see these shoes.
Jim Halpert
I doubt that they're sh-
Dwight Schrute
Oh!
Jim Halpert
Whoa. Who is this guy?
Dwight Schrute
Here's the two of them taking a hike. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend.
Jim Halpert
Boyfriend.
Dwight Schrute
Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend.
Jim Halpert
Like a boyfriend?
Dwight Schrute
You read my mind.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.
Dwight Schrute
Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he's a hated Italian politician.
Jim Halpert
Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup.
Nellie Bertram
(walks in) Oh.
Jim Halpert
Oh, Nellie. I'm so sorry. We were just...
Nellie Bertram
I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry.
Dwight Schrute
Why not call...
Jim Halpert
Shh!

Scene 15

9 lines
Nellie Bertram
God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant.
Dwight Schrute
That's awful. What kind of restaurant.
Jim Halpert
Dwight!
Nellie Bertram
I couldn't afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?
Jim Halpert
I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories.
Dwight Schrute
If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick.
Nellie Bertram
Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this.
Jim Halpert
No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or...
Nellie Bertram
God, no. That's the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician?

Scene 16

17 lines
Jim Halpert
(in the phone) You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let's give up on all this mean stuff.
Pam Beesly
What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea- everyone loved it. You don't have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you.
Jim Halpert
No, that's not what I-
Nellie Bertram
Jim, could you give us a hand?
Jim Halpert
Absolutely. Yeah. (whispers) Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It's way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me.
Pam Beesly
Oh, okay. Okay, I will. (hangs up phone)
Angela Martin
Pam, we have a great idea.
Oscar Martinez
Listen to this.
Angela Martin
We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It's gonna make everyone sick.
Pam Beesly
Or what if...
Angela Martin
Okay.
Pam Beesly
We discuss... (Angela and Phyllis giggle) the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. (giggling stops) Not mean.
Angela Martin
I knew she'd crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know.
Oscar Martinez
We're in far too deep. We can't change course at this point.
Pam Beesly
What are you talking about? Yes we can.
Oscar Martinez
What I mean to say is we don't want to.
Phyllis Vance
Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks.

Scene 17

23 lines
Lauren
(pops balloon) Suck it! (cheers, applause)
Erin Hannon
Andy-
Andy Bernard
It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?
Erin Hannon
No, uh, I'll just have some gummy bears.
Andy Bernard
These are delicious.
Erin Hannon
But... they're penises.
Lauren
And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. (party guests groan)
Andy Bernard
Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don't know Matthew's history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. (laughs) I don't know. I just- I don't think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don't pop that one.
Party guests
No, pop it. Pop it! (Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer)
Jessica
Hey.
Andy Bernard
Hey.
Jessica
Sorry. It's kind of a madhouse.
Megan
(grabs Andy) Ahh!
Andy Bernard
Oh! Ah, Megan.
Megan
You are one of the good ones, nard dog.
Andy Bernard
Aww.
Megan
No, really. (to Jessica) Where's my Andy?
Jessica
I dunno.
Andy Bernard
Oh, he's out there.
Megan
Aww. Are you going to sing for us?
Andy Bernard
Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so...
Megan
That's not like you. That's not like you. Come on, sing! Sing!
Andy Bernard
(singing) By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes...

Scene 18

13 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay, they're almost here- What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? (rips down ugly photo of Nellie)
Darryl Philbin
Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag.
Ryan Howard
Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult.
Oscar Martinez
Plus everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan Howard
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
No, that's a great idea. Let's have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst?
Angela Martin
Nobody's named Monday.
Ryan Howard
Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember.
Pam Beesly
'Cause there's someone already here named Pam.
Kevin Malone
Shh, here she comes!
Everyone
Hey!
Phyllis Vance
Welcome to your party.
Creed Bratton
Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long. (plays off-tune notes)

Scene 19

1 line
Creed Bratton
Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, "Have you heard my originals? They're terrible." They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it. It's an ironic party for Nellie."

Scene 20

22 lines
Erin Hannon
Maybe we should just go.
Andy Bernard
No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you?
Jessica
Uh, yeah, sure. What's up?
Andy Bernard
Uh, maybe we could talk in private?
Jessica
Uh, yeah. What is it?
Andy Bernard
Well, first just let me say that I hope when I'm done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends.
Jessica
You're breaking up with me?
Andy Bernard
Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now.
Jessica
Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it?
Andy Bernard
Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I'm gay.
Jessica
What?
Andy Bernard
I am gay, and I prefer men.
Kenny
I knew it!
Andy Bernard
You did not, Kenny!
Kenny
You invited me to go shopping with you.
Andy Bernard
I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I'm gay.
Jessica
Andy, you're not gay. I mean, we were... together. And you seemed pretty excitable.
Andy Bernard
Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos.
Jessica
I can't say it doesn't make sense...
Andy Bernard
Well... I mean, I was good at hiding it, but-
Jessica
Look, it's fine, Andy. I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything. I just... I'm just upset for now.
Andy Bernard
Understandable. And I'm really sorry. I really am. (hugs Jessica, grunts) So... we should probably... go.

Scene 21

14 lines
Robert California
This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.
Oscar Martinez
To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company.
Robert California
Cheers.
Nellie Bertram
Why thank you.
Oscar Martinez
Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company.
Everyone
Cheers.
Angela Martin
Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died. (laughter)
Jim Halpert
Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with.
Creed Bratton
We hate Pam. We hate Pam.
Everyone
We hate Pam! We hate Pam!
Magician
So we've established-
Jim Halpert
No. No.
Magician
-that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just... disappear? (sets off flash paper)
Pam Beesly
Oh! (laughter, murmuring)

Scene 22

11 lines
Erin Hannon
That was a really rough scene.
Andy Bernard
Right? Rough scene.
Erin Hannon
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Oh... at least we can kiss now.
Erin Hannon
Oh, yeah. (gives him a quick kiss)
Andy Bernard
You know, that stuff that I said about you to her... I did- That's just- I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time.
Erin Hannon
Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah... I feel really tired.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Erin Hannon
Probably from seeing that turkey.
Andy Bernard
Oh yeah.
Erin Hannon
When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it.

Scene 23

22 lines
Magician
Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?
Jim Halpert
Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer.
Robert California
no, Nellie, she-
Jim Halpert
I'll do it.
Magician
Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. (chuckles) All right, let's uh- let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is.
Jim Halpert
(picks a card) It's the four of hearts.
Robert California
Oh, no, you-
Magician
Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? (Jim drops the cards) You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?
Robert California
(to Dwight) Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Magician
Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory.
Jim Halpert
Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place.
Magician
But I never could seem to figure out those knots.
Pam Beesly
That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears.
Magician
(yells) What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-
Dwight Schrute
Okay scram, wizard.
Magician
What?
Dwight Schrute
You heard me!
Magician
Huh!
Robert California
Well Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-
Nellie Bertram
Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?
Robert California
Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party.
Kevin Malone
You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?

Scene 24

19 lines
Erin Hannon
What? Why are we-
Andy Bernard
I just gotta do one thing. (leaves car, knocks on door)
Megan
Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who's here.
Jessica
What are you doing here?
Andy Bernard
Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay, I'm in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she's right there. She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material.
Megan
Why the hell did you come back here?
Jessica
Go away.
Kenny
Get lost!
Woman
Get out!
Andy Bernard
Okay.
Lauren
You're done!
Andy Bernard
Bye guys.
Lauren
Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? (Andy and Erin run to the car) Yeah, run away!
Kenny
You're disgusting!
Lauren
I can't believe you're not gay! (Andy and Erin kiss)
Kenny
Yeah get out of here.
Various
Don't come back. (someone throws food at the car)
Erin Hannon
Uh-oh! (laughs, they drive away)
Various
You don't even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car!

Scene 25

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey Hank.
Hank Tate
Yes ma'am.
Pam Beesly
I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician.
Hank Tate
Yes ma'am. I got my eyes open.
Jim Halpert
Well, turns out he actually made it up there.
Hank Tate
What? That ain't right.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, he came and went.
Hank Tate
Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? (Pam nods) You don't think he could've used... it couldn't have been...
Pam Beesly
Let's just- let's go.
Jim Halpert
Night-night.