Every line from The Office episode "Welcome Party", season 8 episode 20.
Pam Beesly: Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim Halpert: Oh, great. (reads) "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh that's not good.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam Beesly: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Jim Halpert: Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam Beesly: Yeah he does.
Oscar Martinez: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Pam Beesly: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Pam Beesly: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim Halpert: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela Martin: 'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam Beesly: Okay, which one of these looks more right? (holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache)
Dwight Schrute: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe Lewis: (bell dings) Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim Halpert: Okay, quick. Who says moustache? (Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands)
Jim Halpert: Who says no moustache? (Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face)
Gabe Lewis: (reveals Stanley's moustache) Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis Vance: He does have a moustache.
Pam Beesly: Welcome back, Stanley. (Stanley grunts)
Robert California: "Good morning, Robert," says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. (no one responds) Pam!
Pam Beesly: Oh! (takes out earbuds)
Robert California: Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz"?
Pam Beesly: Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.
Robert California: People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-
Nellie Bertram: Sorry, sorry, everyone, I'm late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness.
Robert California: (laughing) Nellie, really, nine fifty?
Nellie Bertram: Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze.
Nellie Bertram: Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!
Robert California: (laughs) I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.
Robert California: I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it.
Robert California: No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life.
Nellie Bertram: Well, yes, uh... there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?
Kevin & Meredith: (in unison) Yes.
Nellie Bertram: Ugh! I hate that! No offense.
Kevin Malone: None taken.
Oscar Martinez: Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.
Nellie Bertram: oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless!
Stanley Hudson: Who's a native?
Nellie Bertram: Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. (everyone groans)
Oscar Martinez: What does that mean?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, okay.
Nellie Bertram: If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?
Robert California: Nellie?
Nellie Bertram: Yes, Robert!
Robert California: You're clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in.
Robert California: Let's help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place.
Robert California: The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community.
Phyllis Vance: I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her.
Pam Beesly: I know, right?
Oscar Martinez: She's always late, she's always rude...
Phyllis Vance: It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.
Phyllis Vance: On purpose.
Angela Martin: (laughs) We should do it right here in the break room. (they giggle)
Phyllis Vance: Order carrot cake. (laughter)
Andy Bernard: ...and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you.
Erin Hannon: Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds.
Andy Bernard: Consider it nailed.
Erin Hannon: (vocalizing) I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario.
Andy Bernard: Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know-
Erin Hannon: (whining) What?
Andy Bernard: I just need you to know-
Erin Hannon: What is it? I didn't sleep well last night. (they laugh)
Dwight Schrute: (lifting box) Ugh! Ow.
Jim Halpert: Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door.
Dwight Schrute: Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? "Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is."
Jim Halpert: That was one time-
Dwight Schrute: I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.
Nellie Bertram: Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic.
Jim Halpert: (cell phone rings) Excuse me, one second. Hi.
Pam Beesly: Hey, what's up?
Jim Halpert: Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: (shouting) Haulin' cube!
Jim Halpert: That's moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler.
Pam Beesly: So we're planning this party for Nellie, and we're gonna make it really bad.
Jim Halpert: Sounds like every other party.
Pam Beesly: No. We're gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card.
Jim Halpert: Oh! Hire a magician.
Pam Beesly: (laughs) Okay.
Andy Bernard: Wow. There's a lot of cars here. This is just weird.
Lauren: (knocks on car window) Andy! Hey, what are you doing here?
Andy Bernard: Hey, Lauren. Look at you.
Lauren: Well, I know. Look at me.
Andy Bernard: I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica.
Lauren: Aww! (clicks tongue)
Andy Bernard: Why is Erin with me? That's a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totaled her car.
Erin Hannon: So, I'm Erin. Hi.
Andy Bernard: Yep. This is Erin.
Lauren: Nice to meet you. (Erin gasps at another girl outside her window) Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy's here!
Erin Hannon: Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime. Should we go?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just-
Lauren: Oh, Jess! (claps) Look who stopped by after his business trip!
Dwight Schrute: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.
Jim Halpert: Yes, you should.
Dwight Schrute: (finds shoe box) Ooh.
Jim Halpert: (reads) "Nellie, don't open, stupid. Love, Nellie."
Dwight Schrute: I have to see these shoes.
Jim Halpert: I doubt that they're sh-
Jim Halpert: Whoa. Who is this guy?
Dwight Schrute: Here's the two of them taking a hike. I'm guessing he's some kind of friend.
Dwight Schrute: Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend.
Jim Halpert: Like a boyfriend?
Dwight Schrute: You read my mind.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Whoa. Here's one with his face whited out.
Dwight Schrute: Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory- he's a hated Italian politician.
Jim Halpert: Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup.
Nellie Bertram: (walks in) Oh.
Jim Halpert: Oh, Nellie. I'm so sorry. We were just...
Nellie Bertram: I see you've discovered Benjamin. That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry.
Dwight Schrute: Why not call...
Nellie Bertram: God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favorite restaurant.
Dwight Schrute: That's awful. What kind of restaurant.
Nellie Bertram: I couldn't afford the flat myself. So I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what's ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?
Jim Halpert: I'm so sorry. These must be very painful memories.
Dwight Schrute: If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick.
Nellie Bertram: Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this.
Jim Halpert: No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or...
Nellie Bertram: God, no. That's the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician?
Jim Halpert: (in the phone) You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let's give up on all this mean stuff.
Pam Beesly: What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea- everyone loved it. You don't have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you.
Jim Halpert: No, that's not what I-
Nellie Bertram: Jim, could you give us a hand?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely. Yeah. (whispers) Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It's way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me.
Pam Beesly: Oh, okay. Okay, I will. (hangs up phone)
Angela Martin: Pam, we have a great idea.
Oscar Martinez: Listen to this.
Angela Martin: We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It's gonna make everyone sick.
Pam Beesly: Or what if...
Pam Beesly: We discuss... (Angela and Phyllis giggle) the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. (giggling stops) Not mean.
Angela Martin: I knew she'd crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know.
Oscar Martinez: We're in far too deep. We can't change course at this point.
Pam Beesly: What are you talking about? Yes we can.
Oscar Martinez: What I mean to say is we don't want to.
Phyllis Vance: Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks.
Lauren: (pops balloon) Suck it! (cheers, applause)
Andy Bernard: It'll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis?
Erin Hannon: No, uh, I'll just have some gummy bears.
Andy Bernard: These are delicious.
Erin Hannon: But... they're penises.
Lauren: And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. (party guests groan)
Andy Bernard: Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don't know Matthew's history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. (laughs) I don't know. I just- I don't think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don't pop that one.
Party guests: No, pop it. Pop it! (Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer)
Jessica: Sorry. It's kind of a madhouse.
Andy Bernard: Oh! Ah, Megan.
Megan: You are one of the good ones, nard dog.
Megan: No, really. (to Jessica) Where's my Andy?
Andy Bernard: Oh, he's out there.
Megan: Aww. Are you going to sing for us?
Andy Bernard: Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so...
Megan: That's not like you. That's not like you. Come on, sing! Sing!
Andy Bernard: (singing) By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes...
Pam Beesly: Okay, they're almost here- What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? (rips down ugly photo of Nellie)
Darryl Philbin: Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag.
Ryan Howard: Hey, that's not a code name. That's just an insult.
Oscar Martinez: Plus everyone would know who you meant.
Pam Beesly: No, that's a great idea. Let's have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst?
Angela Martin: Nobody's named Monday.
Ryan Howard: Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember.
Pam Beesly: 'Cause there's someone already here named Pam.
Kevin Malone: Shh, here she comes!
Phyllis Vance: Welcome to your party.
Creed Bratton: Everybody get comfy now. This first song's over a half hour long. (plays off-tune notes)
Erin Hannon: Maybe we should just go.
Andy Bernard: No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you?
Jessica: Uh, yeah, sure. What's up?
Andy Bernard: Uh, maybe we could talk in private?
Jessica: Uh, yeah. What is it?
Andy Bernard: Well, first just let me say that I hope when I'm done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends.
Jessica: You're breaking up with me?
Andy Bernard: Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now.
Jessica: Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn't relationship material and she wasn't as good as me, but it's her, isn't it?
Andy Bernard: Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I'm gay.
Andy Bernard: I am gay, and I prefer men.
Andy Bernard: You did not, Kenny!
Kenny: You invited me to go shopping with you.
Andy Bernard: I like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I'm gay.
Jessica: Andy, you're not gay. I mean, we were... together. And you seemed pretty excitable.
Andy Bernard: Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos.
Jessica: I can't say it doesn't make sense...
Andy Bernard: Well... I mean, I was good at hiding it, but-
Jessica: Look, it's fine, Andy. I didn't think we were gonna get married or anything. I just... I'm just upset for now.
Andy Bernard: Understandable. And I'm really sorry. I really am. (hugs Jessica, grunts) So... we should probably... go.
Robert California: This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent.
Oscar Martinez: To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company.
Robert California: Cheers.
Nellie Bertram: Why thank you.
Oscar Martinez: Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company.
Angela Martin: Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died. (laughter)
Jim Halpert: Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit... enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with.
Creed Bratton: We hate Pam. We hate Pam.
Everyone: We hate Pam! We hate Pam!
Magician: So we've established-
Magician: -that you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just... disappear? (sets off flash paper)
Pam Beesly: Oh! (laughter, murmuring)
Erin Hannon: That was a really rough scene.
Andy Bernard: Right? Rough scene.
Andy Bernard: Oh... at least we can kiss now.
Erin Hannon: Oh, yeah. (gives him a quick kiss)
Andy Bernard: You know, that stuff that I said about you to her... I did- That's just- I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time.
Erin Hannon: Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah... I feel really tired.
Erin Hannon: Probably from seeing that turkey.
Erin Hannon: When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it.
Magician: Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you're my volunteer. Come on over here, huh?
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'll do it. I will volunteer.
Robert California: no, Nellie, she-
Magician: Oh! Big guy, huh? How's the air up there? Watch out for... birds. (chuckles) All right, let's uh- let's do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is... I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is.
Jim Halpert: (picks a card) It's the four of hearts.
Robert California: Oh, no, you-
Magician: Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffled the deck? (Jim drops the cards) You didn't just do that on purpose, did ya?
Robert California: (to Dwight) Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?
Magician: Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory.
Jim Halpert: Not true. 'Cause that's not a real place.
Magician: But I never could seem to figure out those knots.
Pam Beesly: That's not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears.
Magician: (yells) What the hell? All right, where's Phyllis? Who's Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-
Dwight Schrute: Okay scram, wizard.
Dwight Schrute: You heard me!
Robert California: Well Nellie, I'm sorry. If I'd known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-
Nellie Bertram: Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they're brilliant employees, in their own way. Don't you see what I see?
Robert California: Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party.
Kevin Malone: You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth?
Erin Hannon: What? Why are we-
Andy Bernard: I just gotta do one thing. (leaves car, knocks on door)
Megan: Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who's here.
Jessica: What are you doing here?
Andy Bernard: Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I'm not gay. In fact, I'm so not gay, I'm in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she's right there. She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material.
Megan: Why the hell did you come back here?
Lauren: Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? (Andy and Erin run to the car) Yeah, run away!
Kenny: You're disgusting!
Lauren: I can't believe you're not gay! (Andy and Erin kiss)
Kenny: Yeah get out of here.
Various: Don't come back. (someone throws food at the car)
Erin Hannon: Uh-oh! (laughs, they drive away)
Various: You don't even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car!
Pam Beesly: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician.
Hank Tate: Yes ma'am. I got my eyes open.
Jim Halpert: Well, turns out he actually made it up there.
Hank Tate: What? That ain't right.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, he came and went.
Hank Tate: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? (Pam nods) You don't think he could've used... it couldn't have been...
Pam Beesly: Let's just- let's go.
Jim Halpert: Night-night.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 20 season 8. Welcome Party is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.