Every line from The Office episode "Angry Andy", season 8 episode 21.
Darryl Philbin: So how was the drive in?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain.
Darryl Philbin: You don't say?
Phyllis Vance: Yeah. You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?
Oscar Martinez: Time's almost up. How many are left?
Pam Beesly: Just one. "This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book."
Darryl Philbin: Phyllis. This rain... does it make you wanna be doing something?
Phyllis Vance: What do you mean?
Pam Beesly: You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?
Jim Halpert: Hey, come on.
Phyllis Vance: Lots of things are cozy in the rain.
Jim Halpert: And that's noon. Exactly. (others groan)
Andy Bernard: (singing) My girlfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble-
Andy & Erin: Hey la, hey la...
Andy Bernard: ...my girlfriend's back!
Erin Hannon: (simultaneously) ...his girlfriend's back! (others cheer and applaud)
Andy Bernard: Anyway, I know it's the end of the day. We just wanted to stop by and say hi.
Kevin Malone: Welcome home.
Andy Bernard: Nice sweater.
Kevin Malone: (wearing a Cornell sweater) Thank you. Nellie was nice enough to give it to me. She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets.
Andy Bernard: What happened to old salty?
Dwight Schrute: Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.
Andy Bernard: Okey dokey. (knocks on door)
Andy Bernard: Whoa. Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about. I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about.
Andy Bernard: I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence.
Nellie Bertram: You are most welcome.
Andy Bernard: Anyway, now that I'm back, I would love to have my office back, whenever you get a chance.
Andy Bernard: Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all this stuff out of here. But, you know, the sooner the better.
Andy Bernard: Get back to normalcy.
Ravi: ...and then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby. (Pam, Jim and Kelly laugh) But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call.
Pam Beesly: Oh my gosh, thank you so much. But seriously, we don't want to bother you any more than we already have.
Kelly Kapoor: It's no bother, you guys are our friends.
Pam Beesly: Ravi, our amazing pediatrician, was asking us if we knew any girls and I said I know the perfect girl.
Jim Halpert: Yep. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh, that's it.
Pam Beesly: Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together.
Pam Beesly: (talks over flashbacks) Kelly has been a handful in the past.
Kelly Kapoor: (cries, slams fist on desk) Why?
Pam Beesly: (Ryan and Kelly make out in the nook) But she's had a bad influence. She's like an addict. (Ryan and Kelly argue) And I just had to get her clean.
Kevin Malone: (Ryan and Kelly make out on Oscar's desk) Get lower.
Ryan Howard: Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.
Jim Halpert: Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do NOT shake the baby.
Ryan Howard: Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that.
Pam Beesly: Don't shake our baby?
Pam Beesly: Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I'm glad you said something.
Ryan Howard: Hey, um, what's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, they're really great together.
Ryan Howard: Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?
Jim Halpert: That's about it, yeah.
Robert California: Nellie! You've been terrific in your interim capacity. But, Andrew is the rightful manager so if you would just give him his office-
Robert California: I'm sorry?
Andy Bernard: This is what I was trying to tell you.
Robert California: I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me. (laughs)
Nellie Bertram: Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it because then it feels so good when they finally say yes.
Robert California: You're both adults. I'm sure you can figure this out between yourselves.
Nellie Bertram: I'm gonna count down from five and if you are not out of my office, I'm going to dock your pay one hundred dollars.
Andy Bernard: (chuckling) Okay.
Nellie Bertram: Five... four...
Andy Bernard: You can't dock my pay-
Nellie Bertram: Angela! Dock Andy's pay one hundred dollars.
Andy Bernard: Great. Five, four, three, two, one. Angela, please dock Nellie's pay a hundred dollars. Angela?
Nellie Bertram: Do you want to go again?
Nellie Bertram: Let's go again. Five... four...
Andy Bernard: Ooh, she's counting again.
Nellie Bertram: Three... two... one...
Nellie Bertram: Angela, two hundred dollars!
Angela Martin: You got it.
Andy Bernard: Seriously, Angela?
Nellie Bertram: I know what, let's go... ten thousand dollars! (Andy laughs) Five... four...
Andy Bernard: You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless.
Andy Bernard: It's literally like-
Nellie Bertram: Two... (Andy runs out of the room) one.
Erin Hannon: Hey. So last night was so not a big deal.
Andy Bernard: Oh, yeah, I was just tired.
Erin Hannon: We both were. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self.
Andy Bernard: Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night, like, crazy turns me on. It just didn't last night.
Erin Hannon: Really. It's not a big deal.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal.
Ryan Howard: I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, those are from our weekend at the time share.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, the fractional ownership property. (sigh) Oh, we took this one right before we got in that huge fight.
Kelly Kapoor: God I don't even remember what that fight was about.
Ryan Howard: You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked, taking those pictures of me. Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, I can send you the link.
Erin Hannon: When you lost the manager job-
Erin Hannon: Did it affect you outside of the office?
Erin Hannon: I don't know what the technical term is... Penial softiosis?
Dwight Schrute: Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me. You came to the exact right person for this. No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. Never.
Dwight Schrute: Washington Monument.
Dwight Schrute: Eiffel Tower.
Pam Beesly: I saw you were getting along with Ryan again.
Kelly Kapoor: He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, "Kelly, that will be the color of our children."
Pam Beesly: Yeah, he's so great. Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though?
Kelly Kapoor: Which time?
Dwight Schrute: Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that.
Nellie Bertram: What do you mean?
Dwight Schrute: Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant.
Nellie Bertram: Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room.
Andy Bernard: You can't call a meeting. (laughs) But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So let's get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting.
Nellie Bertram: Okay, if you would like to take a seat we can get started.
Andy Bernard: Oh! Can't do it 'cause I gotta run a meeting. So.
Andy Bernard: Wanted to talk to all of you guys about (reads whiteboard) importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important.
Robert California: Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is "impotence."
Nellie Bertram: Which is important in its own way. So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy.
Nellie Bertram: This meeting is not about any one person in particular. It is a human problem.
Dwight Schrute: It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male.
Oscar Martinez: Nellie, does the person affected by this want us to help her in any way in particular?
Nellie Bertram: Oh, oh, it's not me. No, no. I've never had any problem in that arena. And I have been with several older men.
Robert & Creed: (in unison) How old?
Creed Bratton: Jinx. Buy me some Coke.
Nellie Bertram: Dwight told me about it earlier.
Erin Hannon: You promised!
Kevin Malone: Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no, no, It's not me. I'm gonna prove it right here and now. (thrusts his pelvis)
Angela Martin: What are you doing?
Oscar Martinez: What is this?
Angela Martin: Stop that! Dwight! Stop that, stop it.
Andy Bernard: Fine, it was me. I couldn't- I had a problem with Erin last night. Happy?
Andy Bernard: Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog?
Darryl Philbin: Uh... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You- you're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what.
Robert California: It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating.
Andy Bernard: Fascinating.
Gabe Lewis: I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.
Nellie Bertram: Chumbo, come on, help me out. Any problems with Little Chumbo?
Kevin Malone: Tip-top shape.
Nellie Bertram: Oh... Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: No. Um-um.
Nellie Bertram: Creed, you are a thousand years old.
Creed Bratton: Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did.
Andy Bernard: Okay, so I-
Pam Beesly: Actually Andy, I think maybe we experienced it.
Jim Halpert: What happened?
Pam Beesly: That a couple of times-
Jim Halpert: Couple of times.
Robert California: Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah Jim.
Andy Bernard: Yeah Jim, get it out there.
Jim Halpert: Um... I don't... Uh, yes, that time that it was very late. Uh, we'd had sex so many times already, I was exhausted...
Jim Halpert: I was very drunk.
Phyllis Vance: If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was forty-two. And then when I did, it lasted 'til I was forty-four.
Gabe Lewis: I've read- and I don't know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help.
Gabe Lewis: This is just, uh- This American Life, I think I heard it on.
Robert California: No, that's absolutely the case.
Gabe Lewis: I know, right?
Dwight Schrute: You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only but I could let you rent it.
Robert California: Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life? Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share? (Creed, Kevin and Meredith raise their hands)
Jim Halpert: Wow, what are we talking about?
Erin Hannon: Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking about this kind of stuff?
Toby Flenderson: Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything.
Nellie Bertram: The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse, and then you stress more. And that's a vicious spiral.
Andy Bernard: (on the phone) Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level. I don't think you have to tell your friends anything. It hasn't been decided yet.
Nellie Bertram: Erin, on phone memos you're writing the date American style. Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional.
Erin Hannon: Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here! (throws phone) Take 'em yourself!
Andy Bernard: Oh, and another thing! Our sex life is none of your businesses!
Erin Hannon: And Andy is the manager, not Nellie!
Andy Bernard: Stop protecting me! I'm a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry! I don't mean to lash out at you! There's a lot coming up right now, all at once! (into phone) Dad go to hell, I'm taller than you!
Nellie Bertram: Okay, just calm down.
Andy Bernard: You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.
Robert California: Andy, why don't you just take a seat?
Andy Bernard: Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? (throws chair)
Erin Hannon: And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?
Andy Bernard: And your stupid face! (grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground) And your stupid office! (punches hole in the wall) Ah!
Darryl Philbin: He does not like that wall.
Ryan Howard: Hey, I hear you been bad-mouthing me to Kelly.
Pam Beesly: All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly.
Ryan Howard: Well that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion. If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face.
Pam Beesly: Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before: I don't like you very much.
Ryan Howard: Well a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.
Oscar Martinez: Oh come on, Ryan. Really? Ravi's way better.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package.
Nate Nickerson: I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say, just having knowing you a short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy.
Ryan Howard: Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem. But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it.
Pam Beesly: Oh, no, no, no.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, come on.
Pam Beesly: Read it, please. I love amazing poetry.
Ryan Howard: No. It would cause me too much pain.
Pam Beesly: Read through the pain. Be strong.
Ryan Howard: This poem would crush you!
Oscar Martinez: Ryan, go away! She found herself a beautiful boyfriend!
Kevin Malone: Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous! Please leave her alone.
Ryan Howard: You see, Kelly? Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world.
Robert California: Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager and put you back on the sales team. I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident. I already think it's kind of funny. (chuckles)
Robert California: Excuse me?
Andy Bernard: I'm saying no.
Robert California: Well you can't say no.
Pam Beesly: (sees Ryan on the horse) Oh, boo! Boo! Boo to you! Boo!
Ryan Howard: You are toxic! You are toxic!
Jim Halpert: Hey, hey. Okay.
Ryan Howard: Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, so please don't interrupt.
Kelly Kapoor: I wasn't going to interrupt.
Ryan Howard: Well you do a lot, so just don't. Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated. But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably.
Pam Beesly: Barf! Ugh, you suck!
Ryan Howard: What is your problem? (to horse wrangler) Hey, hey, hey, can we turn this back around quickly, please? This is very important to me.
Wrangler: Turn around. Turn around. Turn around!
Ryan Howard: Can we turn this (bleep)-ing thing around? Thank you.
Wrangler: She don't wanna turn around.
Ryan Howard: Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly.
Ryan Howard: Will you roll those dice with me?
Kelly Kapoor: You mean so much to me. But, I love Ravi and I choose him.
Ryan Howard: No you don't.
Ryan Howard: No you don't.
Kelly Kapoor: I hope we can still be friends. Can I have a hug?
Ryan Howard: What? (they hug)
Kelly Kapoor: That was really cool. (they make out)
Jim Halpert: Well, it's good to see Kelly's maturing.
Robert California: Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.
Nellie Bertram: It's the apology. I really have to insist.
Andy Bernard: (British accent) No.
Nellie Bertram: Stop saying no.
Robert California: Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say?
Andy Bernard: I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive.
Erin Hannon: Here- (grabs the box Andy's holding)
Andy Bernard: Ah- da, da, da, da. I got it.
Erin Hannon: But you hurt your hand.
Andy Bernard: I... Got... It.
Pam Beesly: You're not the least bit curious to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul?
Jim Halpert: Not at all, can we go?
Pam Beesly: "Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches."
Jim Halpert: Second line.
Pam Beesly: "He is a drifter out to sea."
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 21 season 8. Angry Andy is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.