Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Angry Andy

Vol. 8 · Issue 21Scranton, PA

Andy Bernard returns from Florida to find Nellie in his chair, and the Nard Dog's temper finally reaches its breaking point. You can read every line from the episode here, including the awkward meeting about Andy’s personal performance issues and Ryan’s desperate horse-mounted plea to Kelly. It's all the best quotes from a classic Dunder Mifflin power struggle.

Scene 01

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Whoo! Wow, it is raining cats and dogs out there. Holy moley.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Phyllis says the same twelve clichés every time it rains. So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates.

Scene 03

4 lines
Darryl Philbin
So how was the drive in?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain.
Darryl Philbin
You don't say?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah. You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?

Scene 04

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
Oh, the plants are gonna love this.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah.

Scene 05

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
I actually sleep better when it's raining.
Meredith Palmer
Tell me about it.

Scene 06

8 lines
Oscar Martinez
Time's almost up. How many are left?
Pam Beesly
Just one. "This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book."
Darryl Philbin
Phyllis. This rain... does it make you wanna be doing something?
Phyllis Vance
What do you mean?
Pam Beesly
You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?
Jim Halpert
Hey, come on.
Phyllis Vance
Lots of things are cozy in the rain.
Jim Halpert
And that's noon. Exactly. (others groan)

Scene 07

1 line
Phyllis Vance
I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay home, curled up with a good book. But everybody's being so nice to me today. I'm really happy being here.

Scene 08

13 lines
Andy Bernard
(singing) My girlfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble-
Andy & Erin
Hey la, hey la...
Andy Bernard
...my girlfriend's back!
Erin Hannon
(simultaneously) ...his girlfriend's back! (others cheer and applaud)
Andy Bernard
Anyway, I know it's the end of the day. We just wanted to stop by and say hi.
Kevin Malone
Welcome home.
Erin Hannon
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
Hey, Kev.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Nice sweater.
Kevin Malone
(wearing a Cornell sweater) Thank you. Nellie was nice enough to give it to me. She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets.
Andy Bernard
What happened to old salty?
Dwight Schrute
Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato.

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter.

Scene 10

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Okey dokey. (knocks on door)
Nellie Bertram
Yes?
Andy Bernard
Whoa. Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about. I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about.
Nellie Bertram
Oh yes.
Andy Bernard
I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence.
Nellie Bertram
You are most welcome.
Andy Bernard
Anyway, now that I'm back, I would love to have my office back, whenever you get a chance.
Nellie Bertram
No.
Andy Bernard
Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all this stuff out of here. But, you know, the sooner the better.
Nellie Bertram
Mm-hmm.
Andy Bernard
Get back to normalcy.
Nellie Bertram
Hmm, no.

Scene 11

4 lines
Ravi
...and then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby. (Pam, Jim and Kelly laugh) But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call.
Pam Beesly
Oh my gosh, thank you so much. But seriously, we don't want to bother you any more than we already have.
Jim Halpert
That's it.
Kelly Kapoor
It's no bother, you guys are our friends.

Scene 12

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Ravi, our amazing pediatrician, was asking us if we knew any girls and I said I know the perfect girl.
Jim Halpert
Yep. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh, that's it.
Pam Beesly
Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together.

Scene 13

4 lines
Pam Beesly
(talks over flashbacks) Kelly has been a handful in the past.
Kelly Kapoor
(cries, slams fist on desk) Why?
Pam Beesly
(Ryan and Kelly make out in the nook) But she's had a bad influence. She's like an addict. (Ryan and Kelly argue) And I just had to get her clean.
Kevin Malone
(Ryan and Kelly make out on Oscar's desk) Get lower.

Scene 14

9 lines
Ryan Howard
Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.
Jim Halpert
Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do NOT shake the baby.
Ryan Howard
Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that.
Pam Beesly
Don't shake our baby?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you.
Ryan Howard
Oh, my God.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I'm glad you said something.
Ryan Howard
Me too.

Scene 15

1 line
Ryan Howard
Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome, if you're into Indian people. I'm not.

Scene 16

4 lines
Ryan Howard
Hey, um, what's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, they're really great together.
Ryan Howard
Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?
Jim Halpert
That's about it, yeah.

Scene 17

7 lines
Robert California
Nellie! You've been terrific in your interim capacity. But, Andrew is the rightful manager so if you would just give him his office-
Nellie Bertram
No.
Robert California
I'm sorry?
Andy Bernard
This is what I was trying to tell you.
Robert California
I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me. (laughs)
Nellie Bertram
Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it because then it feels so good when they finally say yes.
Robert California
You're both adults. I'm sure you can figure this out between yourselves.

Scene 18

1 line
Robert California
I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way.

Scene 19

16 lines
Nellie Bertram
I'm gonna count down from five and if you are not out of my office, I'm going to dock your pay one hundred dollars.
Andy Bernard
(chuckling) Okay.
Nellie Bertram
Five... four...
Andy Bernard
You can't dock my pay-
Nellie Bertram
Angela! Dock Andy's pay one hundred dollars.
Angela Martin
On it!
Andy Bernard
Great. Five, four, three, two, one. Angela, please dock Nellie's pay a hundred dollars. Angela?
Nellie Bertram
Do you want to go again?
Andy Bernard
Angela?
Nellie Bertram
Let's go again. Five... four...
Andy Bernard
Ooh, she's counting again.
Nellie Bertram
Three... two... one...
Andy Bernard
Oh, oh!
Nellie Bertram
Angela, two hundred dollars!
Angela Martin
You got it.
Andy Bernard
Seriously, Angela?

Scene 20

2 lines
Andy Bernard
I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.
Erin Hannon
When I see him start to get mad, I just put my hand on his arm like this.

Scene 21

5 lines
Nellie Bertram
I know what, let's go... ten thousand dollars! (Andy laughs) Five... four...
Andy Bernard
You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless.
Nellie Bertram
Three...
Andy Bernard
It's literally like-
Nellie Bertram
Two... (Andy runs out of the room) one.

Scene 22

1 line
Erin Hannon
There you go. (helps Andy in the car) Hey. we're gonna have a nice, hot date.

Scene 23

6 lines
Erin Hannon
Hey. So last night was so not a big deal.
Andy Bernard
Oh, yeah, I was just tired.
Erin Hannon
We both were. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self.
Andy Bernard
Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night, like, crazy turns me on. It just didn't last night.
Erin Hannon
Really. It's not a big deal.
Andy Bernard
Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal.

Scene 24

5 lines
Ryan Howard
I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, those are from our weekend at the time share.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, the fractional ownership property. (sigh) Oh, we took this one right before we got in that huge fight.
Kelly Kapoor
God I don't even remember what that fight was about.
Ryan Howard
You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked, taking those pictures of me. Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, I can send you the link.

Scene 25

1 line
Ryan Howard
I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.

Scene 26

13 lines
Erin Hannon
When you lost the manager job-
Dwight Schrute
Yes?
Erin Hannon
Did it affect you outside of the office?
Dwight Schrute
How?
Erin Hannon
I don't know what the technical term is... Penial softiosis?
Dwight Schrute
Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me. You came to the exact right person for this. No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. Never.
Erin Hannon
Oh, okay.
Dwight Schrute
Okay?
Erin Hannon
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Washington Monument.
Erin Hannon
Oh.
Dwight Schrute
Eiffel Tower.
Erin Hannon
Okay, okay.

Scene 27

4 lines
Pam Beesly
I saw you were getting along with Ryan again.
Kelly Kapoor
He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, "Kelly, that will be the color of our children."
Pam Beesly
Yeah, he's so great. Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though?
Kelly Kapoor
Which time?

Scene 28

1 line
Pam Beesly
I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I- I felt like that question was coming.

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So I'll keep you posted on that.

Scene 30

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Every day I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office. Most of it's irrelevant. But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on.

Scene 31

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that.
Nellie Bertram
What do you mean?
Dwight Schrute
Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant.

Scene 32

1 line
Nellie Bertram
I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood.

Scene 33

8 lines
Nellie Bertram
Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room.
Andy Bernard
You can't call a meeting. (laughs) But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So let's get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting.
Nellie Bertram
Okay, if you would like to take a seat we can get started.
Andy Bernard
Oh! Can't do it 'cause I gotta run a meeting. So.
Nellie Bertram
No.
Andy Bernard
Wanted to talk to all of you guys about (reads whiteboard) importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important.
Robert California
Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is "impotence."
Nellie Bertram
Which is important in its own way. So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy.

Scene 34

1 line
Nellie Bertram
"Take a man's job, but leave him his balls." Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie.

Scene 35

16 lines
Nellie Bertram
This meeting is not about any one person in particular. It is a human problem.
Dwight Schrute
It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male.
Oscar Martinez
Nellie, does the person affected by this want us to help her in any way in particular?
Nellie Bertram
Oh, oh, it's not me. No, no. I've never had any problem in that arena. And I have been with several older men.
Robert & Creed
(in unison) How old?
Creed Bratton
Jinx. Buy me some Coke.
Nellie Bertram
Dwight told me about it earlier.
Erin Hannon
Dwight!
Everyone
What?
Erin Hannon
You promised!
Kevin Malone
Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, no, no, It's not me. I'm gonna prove it right here and now. (thrusts his pelvis)
Angela Martin
What are you doing?
Oscar Martinez
What is this?
Angela Martin
Stop that! Dwight! Stop that, stop it.
Andy Bernard
Fine, it was me. I couldn't- I had a problem with Erin last night. Happy?

Scene 36

1 line
Andy Bernard
I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didn't perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview.

Scene 37

24 lines
Andy Bernard
Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog?
Jim Halpert
Um...
Darryl Philbin
Uh... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You- you're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what.
Robert California
It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating.
Andy Bernard
Fascinating.
Gabe Lewis
I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.
Nellie Bertram
Chumbo, come on, help me out. Any problems with Little Chumbo?
Kevin Malone
Tip-top shape.
Nellie Bertram
Oh... Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
No. Um-um.
Nellie Bertram
Creed, you are a thousand years old.
Creed Bratton
Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did.
Andy Bernard
Okay, so I-
Pam Beesly
Actually Andy, I think maybe we experienced it.
Jim Halpert
What happened?
Pam Beesly
That a couple of times-
Jim Halpert
Couple of times.
Robert California
Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah Jim.
Andy Bernard
Yeah Jim, get it out there.
Jim Halpert
Um... I don't... Uh, yes, that time that it was very late. Uh, we'd had sex so many times already, I was exhausted...
Pam Beesly
Okay, stop.
Jim Halpert
I was very drunk.
Phyllis Vance
If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was forty-two. And then when I did, it lasted 'til I was forty-four.

Scene 38

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Forty-three was ju- I got nothing done. (laughs)

Scene 39

12 lines
Gabe Lewis
I've read- and I don't know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help.
Angela Martin
Ugh.
Gabe Lewis
This is just, uh- This American Life, I think I heard it on.
Robert California
No, that's absolutely the case.
Gabe Lewis
I know, right?
Dwight Schrute
You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only but I could let you rent it.
Robert California
Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life? Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share? (Creed, Kevin and Meredith raise their hands)
Kevin Malone
Ooh, ooh!
Jim Halpert
Wow, what are we talking about?
Erin Hannon
Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking about this kind of stuff?
Toby Flenderson
Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything.
Nellie Bertram
The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse, and then you stress more. And that's a vicious spiral.

Scene 40

1 line
Robert California
I almost didn't come in today. (laughs)

Scene 41

13 lines
Andy Bernard
(on the phone) Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level. I don't think you have to tell your friends anything. It hasn't been decided yet.
Nellie Bertram
Erin, on phone memos you're writing the date American style. Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional.
Erin Hannon
Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here! (throws phone) Take 'em yourself!
Andy Bernard
Oh, and another thing! Our sex life is none of your businesses!
Erin Hannon
And Andy is the manager, not Nellie!
Andy Bernard
Stop protecting me! I'm a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry! I don't mean to lash out at you! There's a lot coming up right now, all at once! (into phone) Dad go to hell, I'm taller than you!
Nellie Bertram
Okay, just calm down.
Andy Bernard
You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.
Robert California
Andy, why don't you just take a seat?
Andy Bernard
Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? (throws chair)
Erin Hannon
And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?
Andy Bernard
And your stupid face! (grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground) And your stupid office! (punches hole in the wall) Ah!
Darryl Philbin
He does not like that wall.

Scene 42

3 lines
Erin Hannon
Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together.
Andy Bernard
That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys.
Robert California
Andy, Erin, you can join us now.

Scene 43

19 lines
Ryan Howard
Hey, I hear you been bad-mouthing me to Kelly.
Pam Beesly
All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly.
Ryan Howard
Well that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion. If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face.
Pam Beesly
Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before: I don't like you very much.
Ryan Howard
Well a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.
Oscar Martinez
Oh come on, Ryan. Really? Ravi's way better.
Ryan Howard
For Kelly?
Kevin Malone
Yeah. Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package.
Nate Nickerson
I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say, just having knowing you a short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy.
Ryan Howard
Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem. But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it.
Pam Beesly
Oh, no, no, no.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, come on.
Pam Beesly
Read it, please. I love amazing poetry.
Ryan Howard
No. It would cause me too much pain.
Pam Beesly
Read through the pain. Be strong.
Ryan Howard
This poem would crush you!
Oscar Martinez
Ryan, go away! She found herself a beautiful boyfriend!
Kevin Malone
Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous! Please leave her alone.
Ryan Howard
You see, Kelly? Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world.

Scene 44

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
Ravi makes me incredibly happy. And Ryan puts me through so much drama. So I guess I just have to decide which of those is more important to me.

Scene 45

6 lines
Robert California
Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager and put you back on the sales team. I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident. I already think it's kind of funny. (chuckles)
Andy Bernard
No.
Robert California
Excuse me?
Andy Bernard
I'm saying no.
Robert California
Well you can't say no.
Andy Bernard
No.

Scene 46

25 lines
Pam Beesly
(sees Ryan on the horse) Oh, boo! Boo! Boo to you! Boo!
Ryan Howard
You are toxic! You are toxic!
Pam Beesly
Boo!
Jim Halpert
Hey, hey. Okay.
Ryan Howard
Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, so please don't interrupt.
Kelly Kapoor
I wasn't going to interrupt.
Ryan Howard
Well you do a lot, so just don't. Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated. But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably.
Pam Beesly
Barf! Ugh, you suck!
Ryan Howard
What is your problem? (to horse wrangler) Hey, hey, hey, can we turn this back around quickly, please? This is very important to me.
Wrangler
Turn around. Turn around. Turn around!
Ryan Howard
Can we turn this (bleep)-ing thing around? Thank you.
Wrangler
She don't wanna turn around.
Ryan Howard
Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
Ryan.
Ryan Howard
Will you roll those dice with me?
Kelly Kapoor
You mean so much to me. But, I love Ravi and I choose him.
Ryan Howard
No you don't.
Kelly Kapoor
I do.
Ryan Howard
No you don't.
Kelly Kapoor
I hope we can still be friends. Can I have a hug?
Ryan Howard
What? (they hug)
Kelly Kapoor
That was really cool. (they make out)
Angela Martin
Ugh. Eww!
Jim Halpert
Well, it's good to see Kelly's maturing.
Angela Martin
Oh God!

Scene 47

8 lines
Robert California
Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.
Andy Bernard
No.
Nellie Bertram
It's the apology. I really have to insist.
Andy Bernard
(British accent) No.
Nellie Bertram
Stop saying no.
Andy Bernard
No.
Robert California
Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say?
Andy Bernard
No.

Scene 48

7 lines
Andy Bernard
I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive.
Erin Hannon
Here- (grabs the box Andy's holding)
Andy Bernard
Ah- da, da, da, da. I got it.
Erin Hannon
But you hurt your hand.
Andy Bernard
I... Got... It.
Erin Hannon
Right now?
Andy Bernard
Yes.

Scene 49

5 lines
Pam Beesly
You're not the least bit curious to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul?
Jim Halpert
Not at all, can we go?
Pam Beesly
"Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches."
Jim Halpert
Second line.
Pam Beesly
"He is a drifter out to sea."

Scene 50

2 lines
Jim Halpert
"And when the Indian Ocean calms, one speck of white remains in waters cold and Kelly green."
Pam Beesly
It's just so dumb. (chokes up) But when he describes himself as a child, lost on the life raft...

Scene 51

1 line
Jim Halpert
Uh, Ryan can never know.